I Never Meant For You to Fix Yourself
by AnakinCaffrey
Summary: [Sequel to "To Us the World is Different"] Neal struggles with regret and hope and finds himself thinking about his family's future. [SLASH. Neal/Peter. Rated for future themes/language.]
1. Chapter 1

Twelve hours after the shooting, Neal was still sitting on the edge of his seat in the waiting room. He was an absolute wreck earlier, so he'd sent Mozzie a text, asking him to pick up Nicky and text a few of their mutual friends about Peter. He could barely handle telling Mozzie about it. He didn't think he could handle telling his and Peter's friends. The moment he looked down at his clothes, he started hyperventilating. He'd gone with the ambulance straight from the scene once he flashed his badge and said they're married. Because of this, he hadn't had time to go home and change nor did he think he could force himself to do so.

Doubling over, he held his head in his hands and shut his eyes tightly. The smell of Peter's blood on himself was intoxicating and he couldn't make it go away. He wasn't too sure that he wanted it to go away. He wanted the image of his husband bleeding out on the sidewalk to leave though. He'd held Peter against him while the ambulance was prepping to put him on a gurney.

In the absolute silence of the waiting room, he could hear the gunshot and see the face his husband made just before he collapsed. He was terrified by the thought that Peter might die. He'd taken a shot to the chest and Neal had no idea whether or not it'd hit anything major.

He was angry with himself because of the argument they'd had at home that kept them tense even as they arrived at work. He was going to apologize himself once Peter clutched his hand, but he never got the chance. He hadn't even told Peter he loved him all that morning. If Peter died, he would die without hearing Neal swear he loved Peter.

The tears began to roll down his cheeks as the whole thing replayed over and over in his head. He'd started the fight with Peter over something so trivial. Peter forgetting to do the laundry shouldn't have made that big of a fuss, but Neal was upset because he offered to do the dishes if Peter did the laundry. Peter ended up distracted by work and hadn't done his chore, so Nicky wasn't able to wear the outfit Neal thought would be just perfect for picture day.

Now he was able to look back and reflect on how ridiculous the whole thing was. He regretted not telling Peter he loved him at least once. He didn't stop loving Peter because of the laundry, but he assumed he'd never have the chance to tell Peter he loves him and hear the same thing in return.

Neal was so convinced that his husband was going to die and that made him sob. He felt terrible. There were agents out there trying to find who'd taken a shot at Peter and he was sitting in a hospital waiting room alone just to hear them eventually tell him that they were sorry, but his husband was dead. "Sweetie," Elizabeth breathed in a rush as she came through the door to find Neal in a very emotional state. She knelt in front of him, setting her purse down beside her and placed her hands on Neal's thighs. "Oh, sweetie, you're not alone," she said reassuringly, wanting him to know he had her support. As soon as Mozzie told her, she rushed out of work and got to the hospital as quickly as she could. He rubbed his face and exhaled shakily, nodding as his eyes met Elizabeth's. "Have you heard anything yet?" she asked gently.

"No. No one's told me anything." El nodded sympathetically. "I'm so scared. What if he's already dead and has been since the ambulance?"

"He's going to make it. You and I both know he's too stubborn to die." He forced a laugh and she rubbed his thighs slowly in the hopes of calming him. "Peter loves you too much to let a bullet separate you two."

Neal stared at her, his bright blue eyes dulled. "They think it might've hit something serious. That's all I heard in the ambulance. I don't know anything and that's what's eating at me the most." He ran his fingers through his hair, breathing heavily. "I don't know if my husband is going to come home with me after making his recovery—if there is a recovery."

Elizabeth frowned, looking at Neal's clothes for the first time since arriving. "Sweetie, he's not going to leave you. It would take an apocalypse to make that only slightly possible." She thought it was a very light joke until Neal started crying again. She crawled up into the seat beside him and pulled him close. "He's going to be okay, Neal. Peter won't leave you." She stroked his hair and let him cry it out. When he was quiet again, she gently nudged him. "We need to get you out of those clothes. Will you come downstairs with me?" She watched as his eyes drifted toward the doors he'd been waiting for someone to come through—with good or bad news, but hopefully _good_ news. "It might be a little while before a doctor comes out. You're in a bloody shirt, sweetie." He eventually nodded and they rose together. She held his hand as she took him down to a shop and bought him a new, generic shirt. She let him pick it out because it seemed to make him feel a little bit better.

He changed in the men's room and they went back upstairs to the waiting room afterwards. He sat forward with his elbows on his knees, his fingers laced together underneath his chin. "Thank you for coming, El," he whispered. "I…couldn't ask Moz to come because he's taking care of Nicky and I…can't…" El hugged him, understanding completely, before he erupted into tears. "How do you tell your baby that his poppa's dead?" he asked hysterically, gasping for breath.

She rubbed his back, burying her face in his neck. "Sweetheart, it's okay," she whispered against his neck. "Peter's okay. You'll see."

Not even an hour later, a doctor finally came out. Neal's head lifted out of his hands and El saw the hope in his eyes. "Family of Peter Burke?" Neal jumped up and was in front of the doctor within milliseconds. Elizabeth joined him, standing at his side. "Can I ask what your relations are to the patient?"

Neal firmly stated, "I'm Neal Burke, Peter's husband." Gesturing to El, he added, "And she's a very close and dear friend to us both." El looked up at Neal and saw challenge glinting in his eyes. He was daring the female doctor to make some kind of homophobic comment and El knew he was going to be hostile. She put her hand on his arm and he relaxed a little.

The doctor nodded. "Mister Burke," she said softly. Neal's heart wasn't sure if it wanted to flutter or sink. He held his breath until she said, "Your husband is stable. We're going to be transferring him to ICU shortly and then you should be able to see him." Neal burst into tears of relief, beyond grateful to hear _those_ words. "The bullet was mere millimeters from his heart and he lost a lot of blood. Fortunately, he was stabilized and is on the mend. He's a very lucky man."

"Thank you," he breathed, rubbing his eyes. He turned to El and hugged her tightly, whispering, "He's alive," into her hair.

"Told you, sweetheart," she said softly. She squeezed him before letting go so she could look up at him. "Have faith in your hubby, dear."

Neal was able to calm down a little once he got the good news. He texted Mozzie and Elizabeth texted Diana. Mozzie's word would get around their circle of friends and Diana's would circulate the bureau. They'd been shown to the ICU waiting room and he was eager to be given permission to enter the room to see his husband.

Another doctor came through the doors and knew right away that he was Peter's family. She gestured for him to come over and he did. "He's still unconscious, but would you like to see him?" Neal nodded without the slightest hint of hesitation. As Peter's husband, Neal should be the first to visit. Elizabeth wanted him to get in there so he could completely relax and see for himself that Peter was alive. "This way, Mister Burke." Neal, now that he was feeling better, felt a little thrill in being called _Mister Burke._ He loves his surname because, to him, it means he belongs to someone. He belongs to Peter and he made that very clear on numerous occasions by outright telling Peter that Peter owned him. If Peter owned him, Peter was _alive._

As soon as Neal was shown into the room, his heart fluttered. The doctor left him alone to give him space and he was grateful for that. He moved towards a chair and dragged it closer to the bed, plopping down into it at Peter's bedside. He sighed heavily, blinking back tears as he reached over to take his husband's hand. He laughed lightly to himself, whispering, "It's so strange being on this side of the hospital bed." He took Peter's left hand in both of his and caressed it. "I'm so used to you being right here, waiting for me to wake up to your handsome face." He gently squeezed Peter's fingers, smiling softly at his unconscious husband. He felt ridiculous for talking to himself, but he made himself think he was talking to Peter and that Peter was slightly aware of his presence. "I'm not leaving your side, babe. I'm going to be _right here_ when you wake up."

Neal stayed overnight after calling Nicky to tell him that his poppa was okay. Nicky was relieved, but he was worried about his daddy now and he expressed that directly to Neal. Neal reassured him that he was fine and that he was just staying until he was sure Peter was okay and conscious. He said good night to his son once Nicky finally believed that he wasn't lying when he said he was fine. He'd fallen asleep not too long after that, slumped over Peter's hospital bed, holding Peter's hand. He only slept because he knew Peter was all right.

Around three-thirty in the morning, Peter was slowly coming into consciousness. When he came out of his daze, he flexed his fingers and wasn't entirely surprised to feel someone else's fingers. He caressed those fingers, knowing their owner worried sick about him. Without even opening his eyes, he knew Neal was right there. He felt Neal's left hand and found his wedding ring. The older man smiled to himself before finally opening his eyes to see his husband's sleeping form hunched over the bed.

He was glad Neal was there with him. It was his way of knowing he was alive and that this was reality. He vaguely remembered what happened, but he didn't understand all of it. He remembered fighting with Neal, but he couldn't remember about what. He remembered driving to the bureau, getting out of his car, and walking towards Neal to take his hand. And then everything was darkness after that.

Prying his hand away from Neal's hands slowly, his lifted his hand to tangle his fingers in Neal's hair. He slowly raked his fingers through the soft strands, admiring his husband. Neal shifted a little and smiled subconsciously. A few moments later, his eyelids began to flutter until they were barely open. He met Peter's gaze and smiled sleepily at him. "Hey, baby," Peter whispered.

"Hey, love," Neal whispered back. He closed his eyes again and then they flew open and he stared up at Peter. "You're awake." Peter nodded and let Neal sit up, dropping his hand back to the mattress to rest on Neal's. "How do you feel?"

Peter squeezed Neal's fingers. "Sore and tired. Happy you're here."

Neal got up and leaned over to kiss Peter, whispering, "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

"What about Nick?"

"Moz is babysitting. They both know you're okay."

Peter gave Neal an affectionate smile. "I love you for being here."

Neal didn't move his left hand away from Peter's hand, but he lifted his right hand to stroke Peter's hair back a bit. "You're my husband," he said softly. "I wouldn't leave you."

The two men relaxed together. Peter asked Neal to get on the hospital bed with him and he tried to lay down without hurting Peter, which he'd accidentally done once or twice. Once he'd finally laid down beside Peter, the older man couldn't stop staring and smiling at him. "I love you."

"And I love you," Neal said, his voice shaking. Peter's brows furrowed as he watched his husband's expression shift from controlled and tired to tired and emotional. Peter didn't get to ask him what was wrong before Neal answered. "I felt so terrible when I was waiting to hear about your condition. Peter, I had this horrible feeling that you weren't going to make it and you didn't get to hear me tell you I love you one last time. I can't live with that—I need you to know I love you."

He was trembling and Peter knew this was really hard for Neal and he understood because he'd been there. He'd been the one waiting to hear about Neal's condition. After Neal's suicide attempt nearly succeeded, Peter sobbed like never before. Losing Neal would have destroyed him and he figured that Neal would feel the same way if he lost him. "Hon, I know you love me. Even if you don't say it, I know it."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm so sorry for fighting with you—and about the laundry of all things." Peter shook his head, stroking Neal's arm soothingly. "If I'd lost you, that would've been our last conversation. It wouldn't have been sweet and _us._ It would've been me acting like an asshole over something so _stupid._"

"I can't remember anything we said," Peter whispered. Neal just stared at him, quiet. "I know we fought. I can't remember why or what was said."

Neal sighed and shifted onto his right side a little more comfortably. He rested his left hand on Peter's stomach even though his shoulder screamed at him. "I'm sorry anyway. I could've lost you, Peter. I would never be able to live with myself for arguing with you before you…"

Peter nodded, understanding. "Well, I love you," he whispered. "I'll always love you. I don't care what happens between us. Nothing you do or say and nothing anyone else does or says will make me _not_ love you." He touched Neal's hand, giving his husband a small smile. "I won't leave you here alone," he whispered.

"El said you wouldn't," Neal said quietly, laughing lightly. "She came to check up on me and stayed for a while. She…helped me and told me you'd make it."

"I'm glad she was there for you," Peter whispered. "I hoped you weren't suffering alone."

Neal sighed. "Diana and Jones are still trying to figure out who the gunman was and why they took a shot at you when they did," he said quietly. "I didn't have a chance to look for myself. By the time my shock wore off, you'd just fallen down. I tried to help you." He looked lost and it made Peter's heart ache. "I tried… Mouth to mouth wasn't working and I was afraid to do compressions because your chest was bleeding. I'm sorry, Peter. I didn't do anything helpful."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Peter said, shifting his hand up to touch Neal's face. "Hon, obviously you did something to help. I'm here, aren't I?" Neal frowned. "Hon, the CPR might've saved my life while the ambulance was en route."

"I guess."

"No. You know you saved me. _I_ know you saved me. Take credit for that." Neal snuggled closer to Peter, making sure he was careful enough. He didn't want to hurt Peter at all. "Thank you, honey, for being the first response."

Neal leaned closer, kissing Peter. "You're my husband. I couldn't just walk away or _stand_ there." Peter gave him a soft smile that touched his eyes. He was grateful to have this man in his life for so many reasons. "Superman doesn't die," he whispered.

Peter chuckled, bumping noses with Neal. "No. No, he doesn't." He pulled Neal over enough to have the younger man's head resting on his shoulder. His left arm was wrapped around Neal's torso. He rubbed Neal's back until the younger man was asleep. When Neal was asleep, he himself was able to drift off with the feeling of safety, security, and love.

•◊•

"Honey, this is really unnecessary…"

"Um, shut up. Please." Peter looked up at his husband as he was pushed around leisurely in a wheelchair throughout the floor they were on. "You always do so much for me," Neal said quietly. "I owe you and this is the least I could do."

Peter lifted his hand to reach behind him, touching Neal's hand. "You don't owe me anything, angel." Neal groaned, shaking his head. He'd been carting Peter around the hospital in a wheelchair for almost a week during times where Peter wasn't feeling up to actually walking and Peter really didn't like feeling so useless. "How's Nicky doing?"

"He misses you and has kept telling me repeatedly he wants you home as well as repeatedly asking me when you'll come home. Because he hasn't visited you yet due to the fact that you were slipping in and out of consciousness frequently, I'll bring him here after I pick him up from school—assuming you're okay with him being here."

The older man smiled when Neal gently squeezed his hand. "He's our son. I don't have any issue with him being here." He sighed. "I miss him, too, and I can't wait to go home to be with you both. I keep dragging you away from being at home and taking care of Nicky. He's—"

"He's my boy and he understands that I'm extremely worried about you," he interjected, leaning down enough to press a quick kiss atop his husband's head. "Moz and El have been alternatively taking care of him when I'm not home. Nick slept with me the last few nights and said he didn't want me to feel alone."

"God. Neal, I love Nicky so damn much. He has such a beautiful heart and he's so respectful." He closed his eyes, knowing he was making Neal's heart flutter because Neal always loved when his son was genuinely complimented. He knew Nicky worried about Neal and he loved their son all the more for keeping Neal close company while he's been in the hospital. Neal needed someone to ground him at home and Nicky did that by offering as much support as he could. "You've done a fantastic job at raising him properly."

Neal's left hand slid over Peter's shoulder. "I raised him the way I raised myself, essentially. If I wanted respect, I respected them. If I wanted a friend, I treated them as I'd treat a friend. Et cetera."

"He's the sweet boy of a beautiful man. There's no room in either of you for cruelty."

"Damn right," Neal murmured. "Little brat isn't going to be raised like _some_ people's children. I seriously can't stand how disrespectful some of these kids are nowadays. Nick's never gotten into fights at school before fighting with Trent and I'm relieved that that was resolved and that the two of them are close. Nick's a good kid."

Peter nodded, agreeing with Neal totally. "Speaking of Trent, didn't you tell me Nick's hosting a sleepover tonight?"

"Yes, I did. He asked a couple of the boys at school if they wanted to spend the night with him to watch some movie that I have yet to discover the title and rating of."

Peter chuckled and winked. "You'll have a blast with the kids, daddy."

Neal cringed. "Ew. No." Peter laughed. "When you're referring to me in front of him, that's okay. Other than that, don't be like those teenagers. I'm younger than you, so I can't be your sugar daddy anyway."

"I'm really glad there's, what, three or four years between us?"

"Yep."

Peter looked up at him again. "I can't see us being like teenagers. If we ever went to some kind of dance together, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't hump you in public." Neal laughed that time. "I _might_ stand behind you with my arms around you, but I'm not about to grind into your ass like that."

"That your gray hair talking? Because I know your dick wants to be all over me."

"If you let me stand up, I'll promptly give you a smack on the ass." Neal grinned, stopping in a sitting area. He positioned Peter at an angle near the chair he was going to seat himself in. When Neal came around, Peter swatted his ass, eliciting a quiet yelp. Peter smirked up at him. "That's for being a smartass—and mentioning gray hairs."

Neal mock-glared at him. "You're lucky _your_ ass is in a wheelchair." He took a seat and sighed, relaxing into it. "I'm just glad you're playful about it," he said, chuckling. "I'd kill you if you hit me hard enough to make it hurt when I sat down. You do that enough with the hot sex."

Peter burst into a fit of quiet laughter, reaching over to rest his hand atop Neal's. "I'll playfully swat your ass anytime, baby. You could win awards for that ass." Neal gave him a wry smile and Peter sobered up a bit. "I haven't asked in a while, but how's the shoulder and ribs?"

"I'm doing fine, love," Neal said softly. "No reason to worry about me at all."

"What about the bruising on your back?"

"I can't see behind myself," Neal deadpanned. "And I don't want Nick to see it if it's still bruised or if there's some lingering damage. We'll have to wait until you're home to find out." Peter liked the sound of that. He knew that touching Neal's bare back would set off flames in Neal's body and the two of them wouldn't be able to break away from each other. Even though his chest still hurt a little bit, he'd make love to Neal the moment Neal seemed like he wanted it.

"When _am_ I going home?"

Neal gave him a soft smile. "Your nurse told me you should be okay enough for a discharge by this evening. They want to make sure everything's fine before doing that, but I know I'll have you home for dinner tonight."

Peter sighed heavily in relief. "I'm so tired of this shitty hospital food. I want to go home and eat something one of us cooked." He lifted Neal's hand and planted a soft kiss atop it. "More than that, I want to be home with you—in our bed. It's hard to cuddle with you comfortably when the bed here barely supports both of us."

"Well, typically, there's only meant to be one patient on the beds at a time," Neal said, chuckling. "I don't think they anticipated an obsessive lover staying in the hospital bed with the patient."

"They should," Peter said a little petulantly. "I can't get enough of you. I want to hold you close every waking moment, stroke your hair, caress your cheeks… I want to kiss you when you're at the table doing work or making dinner or even doing the dishes." Neal smiled at him, knowing Peter was homesick. "I don't like the fact that you're home and I'm here. It's like living apart from you."

Neal leaned closer to Peter, brushing his lips against Peter's cheek. "I don't like the feeling any more than you do, love. It doesn't feel normal when you're not home. I'm so used to you just being there."

"Separation anxiety," Peter muttered. "We're having separation anxiety." Neal laughed and Peter saw the way his eyes lit up. Neal was amused by the thought even though they both knew it was true. Neal didn't say anything else. He just took both of Peter's hands in his, holding them up so he could kiss Peter's knuckles. Peter smiled, knowing there was no way he couldn't have separation anxiety because of this man. Neal is everything to him. Losing Neal would end his world. He'd rather be anxious about separation rather than live with that separation permanently.

•◊•

"Poppa!"

Peter grinned as soon as the boy crashed against him. He gasped quietly in a slight amount of pain, but he didn't care that much. He loved that Nicky was so excited to see him. "Hey, you," he said, stroking Nicky's hair. "I missed you, buddy."

Nicky closed his eyes and smiled, hugging Peter. Neal came in with Peter's bag and smiled at the sight before him. Peter noticed. He was always happy when Neal was and Neal was always happy when he was with his family. "I missed you, too," Nicky whispered. He opened his eyes and looked up at Peter. "You're doing okay?"

"Yes," he said softly. "I'm even better now that I'm home with you." Nicky giggled and backed up. "Poppa, I didn't have time to get something to take to you in the hospital earlier because daddy took me right from school, but stay here. I have something for you."

The little boy darted off towards his room and Peter glanced at Neal in question. "You'll love it," Neal whispered, walking past him to get Peter's things unpacked and put away. Peter's clothes were immediately put into the hamper so they could get washed and he'd take the toothpaste and toothbrush back into the bathroom later. He set pictures of himself and Nicky back on the nightstand on Peter's side of the bed and put a couple of Peter's books into the drawers where he'd gotten them at Peter's request.

Nicky came back a few moments later, holding something in his hands. Peter noted that he looked extremely nervous, but Neal seemed to like whatever it was. Nicky held a folded paper up for Peter and Peter took it, his heart warming at the picture that was drawn on the front. It was hand drawn by Nicky of the three of them. Granted, it wasn't on Neal's skill level, but it still touched Peter nonetheless. It looked like Neal was hugging Peter while Peter held Nicky's hand and they all looked really happy.

He opened it up and his lips parted as he read the little note Nicky wrote inside. '_I miss you, poppa. I can't wait for you to come home and keep daddy safe and warm. I can't wait for you to come home so we can watch games on TV together. I want to hug and kiss you when you come home. Please feel better soon, poppa. Daddy and I need you home because we love you. Love, your little buddy Nicky._'

"Oh, kiddo," he whispered, looking up from the paper. Nicky still looked visibly nervous. He closed the paper and knelt in front of the boy, pulling him into a hug. "That means a lot to me, Nick. You're such a sweet kid," he murmured, kissing Nicky's hair. "Thank you so much."

Nicky was excited to see that Peter liked it. Neal told him a couple days ago that Peter would love it, but he wasn't so sure. He squeezed Peter, giggling quietly. "I'm glad you're home," he said, stepping back to put his hands on Peter's shoulders. He leaned forward and kissed Peter's forehead, nose, and then his lips. Peter chuckled, reaching up to brush Nicky's unruly hair back.

"Thank you," he whispered. When he rose to his feet, he couldn't help opening the card up to look at Nicky's handwriting. It was really sweet and very touching. "This is going in a very special spot," Peter promised him. Nicky grinned and glanced in Neal's direction. Neal was sitting on the bed, watching them quietly.

"I'm gonna go get ready for my friends to come over. Go talk to daddy," Nicky said quietly, giggling to himself. Peter smirked at him, ruffling his hair a bit. Nicky darted off to go clean his room a bit and Peter turned to face his husband.

"That was the single most beautiful thing I think I've ever seen him do for you," Neal whispered. Peter circled the bed to get onto his side. He propped the card up on his nightstand and made sure it wouldn't fall over before getting onto the bed to lay on his back. Neal rolled onto his side, facing his husband. He put his hand on Peter's stomach and smiled affectionately. "Peter, you're the best thing that's happened to _both_ of us. He loves you and trusts you, which is what I wanted when I was in any relationship."

Peter put his hand atop Neal's, nodding slowly. "I'm lucky to have earned your trust and even luckier to have earned it from both of you. I love you both more than anything and I'd do anything for both of you."

Neal was so happy as he stared at his husband and Peter was overwhelmed by his happiness. He really treasured moments where Neal was this happy because he loved to see a man who's been hurt so much in his lifetime come out with a smile on his beautiful face. "I hope you know you're stuck with us forever," Neal murmured, pushing himself up a bit to kiss Peter's lips.

The older man cradled the back of Neal's head when Neal pulled away slowly. They just stared at each other in silence for a few moments. "To live with two wonderful people for the rest of my life is a blessing," he whispered. "There's nothing I want more than to be your husband and his second father." Neal kissed him again, longer this time. It was his way of thanking Peter without saying it aloud. Peter's other hand came to rest on Neal's neck. They kissed lazily, their tongues slowly dancing together.

When they parted for breath, neither of them needed words to express their feelings. Their flushed faces were enough. Neal bowed his head, touching his forehead to Peter's, closing his eyes. He truly couldn't imagine life without Peter. His son was loved by Peter just as Neal loved Nicky. Neal's relationship with Peter wasn't the only thing Neal based their future on. It always came down to whether or not he could trust the other person with Nicky. Realizing Nicky would be okay around him was just the start. He needed to be sure Peter wouldn't take advantage of Nicky and he knew now that Peter would _never_ do that to anyone.

He felt bad for Peter and Elizabeth because they hadn't been able to have a baby. Peter seemed like he'd step into fatherhood without much of a challenge. He'd been there for Nicky when Neal couldn't and Neal loved Peter more. He loved that he could trust Peter to take care of Nicky, that he could think about and watch them both without having an anxiety attack. Just the thought of some other man living with him, being around his son, was frightening before he met Peter. Now, it didn't seem all that bad and he was really, _really_ thankful to have found such a wonderful man to bind his and his son's life to.

Even though Neal knew nothing was perfect, he always claimed Peter was too perfect for him. In all honesty, he knew this—watching Nicky and Peter act so much like family—was perfection. This was all he'd ever wanted for his son. He knew Peter would always love them both and he knew Peter would love them both as well as an additional child they were planning to adopt someday. He was able to think about expanding his family because of Peter, because he trusted Peter, and he couldn't wait to see where their marriage took them in their many years to come.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Two years later.**_

"Honey, did you move the box of dryer sheets?"

"It's in the cabinet, top shelf on the right, love," Neal called from the downstairs.

Peter looked at where Neal said the box was and found it. "Got it! Thanks, baby."

Neal smiled to himself as he sat on their soft and comfortable couch as he folded clothes that he'd taken out of the dryer so Peter could switch the load over and toss a new one in. They bought a house together six months ago and it was perfect. Nicky had his own room, both men had a room with a door, and there was plenty of space for a few more kids or guestrooms. They had an attic and a basement to use for whatever they wanted and that thrilled Neal to no end because he and Peter created a game room in the basement for Nicky and his friends.

Neal always wanted a game room when he was little, so Peter asked him to design it beforehand and said they'd work on it together and they had. It only took them about two weeks to fix up the walls, paint them, and buy enough rug to cover the length of the basement. They bought another television to put down there and Nicky asked for a few more games. By the time it was finished, Neal was excited and very happy with the results.

Peter went downstairs to join his husband, smiling at the younger man. Neal glanced at him and returned the smile. "Hey, handsome."

"Hey, beautiful." He walked over to Neal and plopped down onto the couch beside him, taking clothes out of the basket to help Neal fold. He leaned over and kissed Neal's cheek, chuckling as he pulled away. "Somebody needs a shave," he teased.

Neal gave him a wry smile, tossing a shirt at him. "Somebody needs to stop leaving the razor in various places if he wants me to shave." Peter laughed lightly, gently gripping Neal's jaw to bring him closer for an actual kiss. "I'm thinking I might end up buying myself a new one so you can keep using the other one."

"Don't like sharing the razor with me?"

"It's never there when I need it," Neal said, laughing. His eyes lit up as he poked Peter's arm. Peter rolled his eyes and bumped his arm against Neal's. "Oh, don't you start, mister."

Peter grinned, bumping Neal's arm again. They were alone at the moment and he knew he was testing Neal's patience. Since moving in, Neal's been extremely into sex and it surprised Peter. Any time they could get alone, they took the opportunity. Neal liked not having to worry about Nicky or Nicky's friends seeing them and nobody could walk in on them since they weren't within view of anyone walking through the doorway. They had a door blocking anyone's entrance—with a perfectly good lock that Neal put in himself. "Neal Burke," he murmured, pecking his husband's lips. "Will you join me in the bedroom?"

Neal's eyes flashed and Peter saw the excitement there. He jumped up from the couch just as Nicky came downstairs. "Oh, hey, kiddo," Neal said softly.

"Hi." Neal's brows furrowed. He'd noticed that Nicky wasn't acting much like himself anymore since turning thirteen and it was bothering him because Nicky wouldn't talk to either of them. "Dad, can I talk to you?"

Neal glanced at Peter before answering. "Of course, Nicky." Peter got up from the couch and made to leave the room, but he noticed the little cringe Nicky made. As soon as Peter got up, Neal cleared off the couch, putting the clothes he'd folded into a neat pile in the basket. He put whatever wasn't folded off to the side to finish at some point. He sat down and looked up at his son. "What's up?"

Nicky was quiet for a few moments. Neal waited patiently, smiling softly at his son. He wanted Nicky to feel comfortable talking to him, so he really encouraged it when Nicky tried or asked. "Can you stop treating me like a kid?" Neal looked a bit surprised by the question, so Nicky elaborated. "You embarrass me in front of my friends, dad. I don't want you to walk me to school and kiss me goodbye anymore."

Peter overheard the conversation and knew Neal was hurting without even seeing him. He himself was devastated by the comment Nicky made. Neal is his husband and he loves his husband beyond words, so he'd protect Neal, even if it was from their own son. Neal stared at his son sadly. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was embarrassing you," he whispered. He knew there'd be a day where Nicky wouldn't want to walk with him or be kissed goodbye before he went to work with Peter, but he didn't realize that day was _today._ He loved his son and wanted to show him that without words, but Nicky didn't want that anymore and he forced himself to understand. He wasn't sure how he would've felt when he was Nicky's age because neither of his parents cared about him enough to even consider showing him some kind of affection.

"I'm thirteen, dad. I don't need to be coddled like a baby anymore." Neal was quiet and Nicky continued. "You don't have to act so worried all the time either. Just because you got raped when you were thirteen doesn't mean the same thing is going to happen to me." Neal's entire expression changed as he gasped quietly. That _hurt_ more than he physically expressed. He couldn't even look at his son now.

"Don't you _dare_ talk to your father like that," Peter growled, coming back into the room. Nicky startled a bit, turning to face Peter. "I understand feeling like you need to be independent, but you have no right to talk to your father like that after all that he's done for you."

"Peter, it's—"

"He's been worried about you for a while and he's been trying to figure out what was going on so he could try to help you. He loves you more than life itself and that's how you treat him? Nicolas James Burke, I do _not_ want to hear you _ever_ say that to your father again." Nicky was quiet, looking at the floor. He didn't realize Peter was listening. He just wanted Neal to back off a bit because his friends' dads weren't always looking over their shoulders. Their fathers gave them a lot more freedom and Nicky was jealous. In reality, he had it really good in comparison to their lives. Their parents didn't care enough to make sure the kids weren't getting into trouble. Neal would rather be overly worried than not worry at all. "Go to your room and think about what you said," Peter said gently. He wasn't overly angry with Nicky, but he was upset with him.

Nicky nodded and sulked up the stairs, shutting his bedroom door once he was in his room. "Peter, it's okay. He—"

"No. That was _not_ okay. Neal, I love him as much as you do, but I'm not going to stand idly and let him talk to you that way." He kept his distance from Neal, watching his husband's face. He knew Neal was crying because Neal wouldn't look at him. "Honey, don't let him disrespect you like that. Bringing your past up in that way was uncalled for and I'm sure he knows that it hurt you."

Neal shook his head, rubbing his eyes. "It's fine. He doesn't know any better. It's not like he knows how insane I was or how shitty I always felt about myself."

Peter crossed the room and knelt in front of Neal, wiping his husband's eyes for him. "I don't give a damn if he knows how you felt through all of it. He should know enough to realize how much that hurts you. He's thirteen. He knows what everything means now, so there's no reason to discuss your past in such a cruel way—especially if he's talking about it the way he did."

"I'll get over it. It doesn't bother me all that much anymore, but still. I don't need it shoved in my face," Neal whispered. "I don't know what's gotten into him. He's never acted like _that_ before. He never used my past against me."

Neal sniffled a bit and Peter reached up to stroke Neal's hair. "I love you and I'm not going to let him do that to you. He's your son, but he has no right to treat you like that because you're protective of him."

"He doesn't understand," Neal said quietly. "I can't make him understand and I hope I never have to make him understand. It's something I don't want him to experience or have nightmares about."

Peter sighed heavily, pulling Neal close for a gentle hug. "There's no reason for him to use your past against you," he whispered against Neal's neck. "All you've ever done was love and protect him."

"Maybe a little too much," Neal murmured. "He's a teenager now. I should've—"

"No. You're the father here, Neal. I know you hate being hard on him, but you need to put your foot down at some point. I refuse to let him walk all over you and purposely hurt you." He kissed Neal's neck, rubbing his back. "He's only thirteen. We're going to have to work through this with him. I won't let him go through his teenage years resenting you for essentially giving your life up for him."

•◊•

Nicky came downstairs after Neal yelled up to let him know it was time for dinner a little while later. He and Peter were dishing everything out together and Nicky felt terrible. He knew he hurt his dad, but that wasn't all that he'd done wrong. He hurt his father and made his poppa mad. Neal came out of their kitchen and set Nicky's plate down in front of Nicky's seat without saying a word. He wasn't going to ignore Nicky, but he really didn't want Nicky and Peter to get into something over him. "Dad." Neal paused and looked at him, seeing his son's sad expression. "I'm really sorry about what I said."

Peter came through the doorway then and Nicky bit his lip. Peter didn't say anything. He took his and Neal's plates and set them on the table in their spots. "It's all right," Neal said, watching Peter warily.

"It's not," Nicky said quietly. "I was really mean to you for no reason. I'm sorry, dad." Neal nodded and was about to sit down, but Nicky darted over to him and hugged him tightly, burying his face in Neal's chest with his eyes closed. "I'm sorry, daddy," he whispered.

Neal held his son, rubbing his back. "It's okay, Nick. I forgive you."

Nicky opened his eyes, but still held onto his father. "Is poppa still mad?" he asked quietly enough so that Neal heard him.

"No," Neal said softly.

He backed away from Neal and turned to look at Peter. "I'm sorry, poppa." Peter nodded, glancing at Neal. Nicky knew they were having some kind of silent discussion. They could do that with their eyes and Nicky thought that was because the two had been together for a little over four years.

"If dad forgives you, I don't see any reason to be upset," he said quietly, sitting down. He looked up at Neal before Neal took his own seat. Nicky sat down as well, glancing between his father and poppa occasionally to see if he could figure out what they were thinking about without having to ask. Neal and Peter kept sharing glances until Peter finally said whatever he'd wanted to say before sitting silently. "Your father loves you more than anything. He'd give his life for you and you know he almost did before. He doesn't deserve to be treated like _he_ did something _wrong._"

Nicky nodded slowly. "I know, poppa. I know he didn't do anything wrong." Neal's gaze was downcast and he wasn't eating his dinner. Nicky noticed and reached over to touch his father's hand. "Dad, are you okay?"

Peter glanced at Neal, concerned. "Yeah, I'm all right. Just thinking."

Nicky squeezed his father's hand and waited until Neal looked at hm. "Dad?"

"Can I have a minute to myself?" he asked, glancing at Peter. Peter nodded despite the ache in his chest. He watched Neal push his chair back and get up. When Neal left the room, Peter frowned.

"Did I make him leave?" Nicky asked sadly.

"I don't think so." Nicky gave him a confused look. "He's got a lot of things on his mind right now. He'll be okay." Peter met Nicky's eyes. "You, however, should possibly be grounded for speaking to your father the way you did earlier. I know you were planning on going to the movies with Trent and his step-dad. I'm not sure if you should go now."

Nicky swallowed hard. "How bad did I hurt him?" Peter didn't answer. "Did I make him cry?" Again, Peter didn't answer. He just sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Poppa, I'm sorry. I feel really bad."

"Just don't talk about the rapes like that to him ever again," Peter whispered. "He's been fine for a little while now. I don't want him to relapse because of a comment _you_ made, Nick. He really doesn't need that from _you._ You're his son."

"Poppa, I know this might be a dumb question, but why does it still bother him?"

Peter gave him a leveled look, inhaling sharply before exhaling heavily. "His body was tortured both times. That was a lot of pain for him to go through—both times. He was scared and vulnerable and forced to endure it against his will." Nicky's eyes watered and he looked away from Peter. "He suffered physically, but he suffered emotionally as well. The emotional suffering is what's still affecting him. He falls back into those moments where he had no control over his life." He reached over to rub Nicky's arm. "Your father… He went through a lot, Nick. I don't know how much more I can or should tell you because it isn't my story to tell. If he doesn't want to divulge it all, I respect that."

"Will he ever feel better?"

"He's been feeling better," Peter whispered, "but he'll never forget that those things happened to him. He has to live with that pain for the rest of his life, so… Please, Nick, help him. Don't hurt him." He took Nicky's hand, holding it gently. "We're his family and he needs us."

Neal came back a few minutes after that. Peter looked up at him as Neal messed with Nicky's hair before sitting back in his seat. Peter gave his husband a concerned look, waiting for some kind of explanation—silent or aloud. When Neal looked at him, he knew Neal just needed a few minutes to get things out of his system. His face and eyes were red, so he'd been crying.

Nicky looked at his father and realized Neal was forcing a smile as he glanced at Peter. "Daddy," Nicky said quietly. Neal turned his attention towards his son. "Are you okay? Don't lie to me."

Neal gave him a soft, genuine smile. "I'm all right, Nick. I just needed a few minutes." He took his son's other hand and squeezed it before letting it go so he could eat. Once he began to eat, the other two joined him. The conversation at the table was light. Peter was talking about taking Nicky out to play some baseball or football sometime soon if he was interested. Nicky was extremely excited by that, especially since he'd hurt Neal. If Peter was asking to play with him, then things were okay. "That sounds like fun," Neal said, chuckling.

"We could pretty much play anything, babe," he said to Neal. "I know you don't like baseball. Whether or not you want to play football, I don't know, but I know you're into playing soccer."

"It's been a while since I did any kind of sport though. We all played together forever ago."

Once dinner was finished, Nicky offered to help Neal do the dishes while Peter gave their son a small smile and went to do the laundry again. Neal hand-washed some of the bigger dishes while Nicky unloaded the dishwasher. The teenager glanced at his father, noticing the slight frown on his face. There was something really bothering him and Nicky wanted to know what he could do to help. When Neal dropped a plate and gripped his head, panting, Nicky's eyes widened. The plate he dropped shattered on the floor. "Dad, what is it?" He rushed over to his father, hugging him tightly. "Dad?" Neal's eyes were shut tightly and he looked like he was in pain. Nicky didn't understand what was going on, but he hoped Peter might. "Poppa!" he cried out desperately.

In a matter of moments, Peter was bounding down the stairs thinking something was wrong because of the way Nicky yelled for him. As soon as he got into the kitchen, Neal was collapsing to his knees with Nicky barely managing to keep him from hitting the sink and cupboard on the way down. "Neal!" Peter helped Nicky ease Neal down to the floor, avoiding the broken plate, and began stroking Neal's hair. "Baby, I'm here. You're okay. Everything's okay." He held Neal against him, shifting him to support him fully while Nicky stayed close.

Neal whimpered quietly and Nicky looked at Peter helplessly. "Poppa, what's going on?"

Peter rocked Neal gently, whispering, "I think he's having a flashback—or something similar." Nicky took his father's right hand in both of his. Neal wrenched his hand away, then his hands flew up to cover his face and Peter's lips parted. "Honey, it's okay," he said quietly. "I've got you. Peter's got you." He glanced at Nicky and added, "Nicky's here, too. Everyone's okay—you're okay."

"Did I do this to him?" Nicky asked, horrified.

"Did you say anything to him?"

"No. We were just doing the dishes."

Peter's brows furrowed and he watched his husband, waiting for something to indicate what the problem was. Neal was gasping and sobbing simultaneously, sounding hysteric. "Jesus." Peter tried to gently pry Neal's hands away from his face so he wouldn't harm himself as he'd done before. "Neal, listen to me," he said softly. "Nicky and I are here for you. You're safe."

A few moments after Peter spoke to him, Neal's right hand flew out and frantically tried to grab something—or someone. "Nicky," he gasped loudly.

Nicky immediately took his father's hand. "I'm here, daddy. I'm with poppa."

Neal seemed like he was beginning to relax, but the two stayed in their positions. Peter held him close and Nicky didn't let go of his hand. When all that was left was a shaking, sniffling Neal, Peter's shoulders and back relaxed exponentially. Neal slowly opened his eyes and looked up at his husband, squeezing his son's hand. "Hey, beautiful," Peter said softly. Neal didn't respond. He just stared at Peter silently and then his gaze shifted to his son—his _terrified_ son.

His breath hitched when he realized he'd just had one of his flashbacks in front of Nicky. He couldn't ever remember having a full-blown episode like that in front of his son, so he let go of Nicky and scrambled to get away from Peter. Peter tried to reach for him, but Neal ran. He was up the stairs in a matter of moments and then a door slammed. Nicky stared at his poppa. "What just happened?" he whispered.

"I don't know." He got up and glanced at his son. "Stay here. I'll…see if I can figure out what's going on."

"Will you tell me when you find out?"

Peter hesitated. "If dad's okay with me telling you, then yes." Nicky nodded and let Peter head upstairs to see Neal. He waited patiently to hear back from either one or both of them because he was overly concerned about his father now. He hadn't meant to hurt him this badly at all and now he felt terrible. He knew Peter did everything he could to get Neal to the point where he could live an almost normal life and he realized he'd thrown all of Peter's work over the last four years away in a matter of a few short hours.

The door flew open upstairs and he could hear loud voices, but he couldn't understand what was being said. He stepped out of the dining area and stood at the bottom of the stairway. "Just go away, Peter. I don't want either of you to see me right now."

"Neal, we both love you. Don't shut yourself away," Peter pleaded. "You know we aren't judging you. We—"

"I'm judging myself!" Neal cried exasperatedly. "I can't stand myself sometimes. Do you know how it felt to look into his eyes and see _terror?_ No, Peter, you don't." Peter was trying to ask him to calm down, but Neal only got louder. "I'm a God damn lunatic, Peter! I have never understood why you stayed. I have so many problems that you work too damn hard to fix and you always wind up with no progress whatsoever because I'm a fucking failure."

"Don't talk about yourself like that," Peter said sadly. Nicky bit his lips, listening to his fathers argue. It'd been a while since they sounded this angry with each other. "Neal, he's as worried about you as—"

"He's _thirteen!_ He shouldn't _have_ to worry about me!"

Nicky's eyes watered and he darted up the stairs as Neal's voice became distant, which meant he was in his bedroom now. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Peter cried out.

"He has you to keep him safe and love him. I can't do this to you two anymore. I can't try to live a normal life because I can't have a normal life." Nicky crept through the hallway silently, peering into his parents' room. Neal was throwing a bunch of his clothes into a suitcase that Peter grabbed and tossed to the floor. "Stop resisting, Peter!"

"Stop trying to leave!" Peter gripped Neal's shoulders and stared at his face. "Dear God, Neal, we've been together for four years and you _still_ think I don't love you." Neal shoved Peter away and tried to collect the clothes Peter threw on the floor. "If you think I'm letting you leave this house alone in an emotional state like this, you're insane. You know damn well that Nick and I love you. Neither of us resent you or judge you for what just happened downstairs."

Neal shook his head and threw something Nicky couldn't see at Peter. "Stop loving me, damn it! You and Nick deserve better!"

Nicky dashed into the room and yelled, "I want _you!_" Neal and Peter both startled, looking at their son. Peter was standing over Neal, trembling, and Neal was on his knees surrounded by his clothing. "Daddy, if you leave me, I'll never forgive you." Neal's lips parted as Nicky gave him such a hardened glare. It was in that moment that he realized Neal's wedding ring was lying at Peter's feet. "Put that ring back on, dad. If you don't, then I hate you." Neal's eyes widened and even Peter looked surprised. "If you abandon us, then you hate us, and that gives me the right to hate you back."

Neal blinked rapidly, swallowing hard as he stared at his son. He glanced at Peter's feet, finding the ring there. Slowly, he crawled towards it and took it in his hand. He sat back and slid it back onto his ring finger, closing his eyes while cradling his left hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered. When he opened his eyes, tears were streaming down his cheeks. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I love you both and I'm so sorry."

Peter watched as Nicky moved closer to Neal. Nicky got on his knees and leaned against his father, wrapping his arms around his torso. "Don't leave us," he begged.

Neal rested his chin atop his son's head and breathed shakily. "I won't. I promise I won't." The three of them cleaned up the bedroom together before sitting down on the large bed in the center of the room. Neal was hunched over, holding his head in one hand. Peter sat near the headboard, facing Neal, and Nicky was sitting right beside Neal. "I think we need to talk about this," Neal whispered, his gaze flickering between his son and husband. Peter leaned forward and rested his hand on Neal's thigh. "Nick, you did nothing wrong, okay? Don't blame yourself."

"What happened, daddy?"

Neal debated on telling the truth to his thirteen year old, but he figured Nicky deserved some kind of explanation for his actions. "I…had a flashback," he whispered, keeping his gaze locked onto his son. "It came on very suddenly and I lost control. It all felt so real and I…I lost my hold on reality." Nicky nodded, remaining silent. "This hasn't happened since…since before poppa and I got married. I mean, I had a couple nightmares here and there, but they weren't nearly as bad as what you saw."

"It was…about those guys?" Neal nodded slowly. "Dad, that _is_ my fault."

"No," Neal said firmly. "It's… Nick, when you were really little, you were too young to understand that I was living in my own little version of hell. It was nothing you did, I promise." He reached out to stroke Nicky's cheek with the back of his hand. "Vincent… He took away my innocence when I was your age. I am overprotective of you and I'm sorry if you resent me for that." Nicky frowned at him. He hadn't meant to make his father think he resented him in any way. He still loves Neal and he always will. "I've been having nightmares since your birthday about Vincent breaking out." He briefly shifted his gaze towards his husband, knowing Peter wouldn't be very surprised despite the fact that he hadn't opened up to Peter in almost six months about this. "When we were in the kitchen, I…felt like I was being suffocated. I felt like Vincent was in our house and I thought he was hurting you."

Nicky held his father's hand against his face, staring directly at him. "Daddy, I'm sorry…"

Neal gave him a sad smile. "I live in a world in between nightmares and reality. Poppa's helped me through a lot of things, but I'm still messed up."

"Neal—"

"Listen," he pleaded, looking at his husband. Peter nodded, letting him continue. "Ever since you were born, I had this feeling that history was going to repeat itself. Fortunately, the only history that repeated itself was my rape—not yours like I feared it would be." He rubbed his thumb over his son's cheeks when tears slid down Nicky's face. "I thought Vincent was going to do more than just beat you when he kidnapped you. I thought he was going to do to you what he did to me. I'm glad I was raped a second time if it prevented you from ever having to experience that. I'd give myself to him if it saved you." He met Peter's eyes, nodding slowly. "Vincent and Craig."

"That's not fair," Nicky said, his voice thick. "Daddy, that's not fair."

Neal nodded slowly. "I never want you or poppa to know what it feels like to be powerless and vulnerable. I never want your bodies to hurt or your minds to deteriorate every time you have the slightest inkling of a thought about what happened." He glanced at Peter again. "I did it for you," he whispered. "I'd do it again and again if it meant I could protect you—either of you."

Nicky took his father's hand away from his face and held it tightly in both of his. "I don't want anyone else to do that to you," he whispered. "Dad, you never deserved that."

"I know that now," Neal said quietly. "Poppa taught me that over time." He sat up straighter and took Peter's hand in his free hand. "Poppa loves me enough to stay with me. He was the first person I told about Vincent. Uncle Mozzie didn't even know about it until much later." Peter was watching Neal's face, seeing the haunted look in his eyes. "Poppa changed my life, Nick, and I'm not trying to say you did nothing for me. You're my son and I love you with all of my heart. I'd give my life for you." Nicky looked down at Neal's hand, nodding. "This is something I'm going to live with for the rest of my life. I can try to shove it away as long as I can and I did really well for about two years, but that pain and fear won't go away, Nick. I'm sorry that you have to watch me act the way I did. I'm sorry that you have to hear me threaten to leave you and poppa."

Nicky let go of Neal's hand and threw himself against Neal's chest, closing his eyes to cry silently into Neal's shirt. "I love you, dad. I know you're hurting and I won't hate you for it. I don't understand why you got hurt, but I know you need me and poppa—or at least poppa. You—"

"Don't you dare say I don't need you," Neal whispered fiercely. "You are the light of my life, Nicolas James. You're my baby boy. I don't give a damn how old you are. You're always going to be my baby boy. You're the biggest part of me—and I refuse to let that part of me slip away. I _need_ you, baby." He let go of Peter's hand without being resisted and pulled Nicky closer, holding him in his lap. "You could be in your fifties or sixties and I'd still call you my baby boy. You're my everything."

The teenager nodded, looking at Peter while Neal held him. "I'm glad you met poppa though. I know you love me, dad. I never thought you didn't love me." Neal's arms wrapped around him protectively. "You needed poppa to love you. You're a loving guy and I knew you couldn't just give me all of your love. It needed to be spread out a little."

Neal laughed quietly. "I love you both equally. You're my son and poppa's my husband. I can't lose either of you without it destroying me entirely."

"Would you ever leave me and poppa?"

"No," Neal replied hastily. "Never. I don't think I could bear being away from either of you."

A little while later, Neal ended up carrying his son back to his room. They'd relaxed together after finishing their conversation and Nicky fell asleep against him. He'd been lying between his fathers and he curled up against Neal, feeling as safe and secure as he felt since he was a baby. He always felt so connected to his father and he could've ruined that if he hadn't apologized to Neal. He didn't really want Neal to back off. He wanted his dad to love him, but his friends' parents didn't give them the same kind of love Neal gave Nicky. Neal loved playing with Nicky, taking him places, buying him things. He put Nicky first and Nicky realized that. When he'd been in his room earlier in the evening, he thought about all the times Neal struggled to pay for things he wanted. Nicky knew he'd been overbearing, but that was the age. He wanted every toy he saw because it looked awesome and Neal had a hard time telling Nicky that he couldn't have said toy. If he could, he'd buy it, even if he'd gone to the store for something he himself needed.

Nicky couldn't hate his father—ever. He knew Neal wasn't making enough money early on and that made it so much harder on him because he didn't want to disappoint Nicky. Nicky reflected on all the times when he'd asked Neal for something, only to have Neal bite his lip and look at his wallet before saying he'd buy it. Nicky couldn't remember one instance where Neal flat-out said no to him. His friends' parents didn't even bother to buy them toys most of the time. If Nicky wanted something, Neal bought it.

Resenting Neal for loving him that much was ridiculous. He knew his dad didn't have a good father in his life, so it meant a lot for Neal to take him in even though he never heard a word about the pregnancy until the day Nicky was born. Neal didn't abandon Nicky when he'd been working through his alcoholism. He sacrificed paychecks and debts he owed in order to keep Nicky happy and, since Nicky was old enough to understand that to some extent, he knew Neal was perfect. Neal took care of him, lost jobs because of him, had no money because of him, but he never _once_ told Nicky he couldn't stand him. Trent's father, Matthew Keller, threatened his son instead of spoiling him. Nicky felt bad for Trent and Trent was the one who made him see that Neal was a good father and that he was really taking Neal for granted.

As Neal pulled Nicky's blanket back and set Nicky down onto the bed, the teenager woke up, clutching at his father's hands as he pulled the blanket up and over Nicky's shoulders. "Daddy," he murmured. Neal sat down on the bed and put his hand behind his son, smiling softly at him. "I love you."

"I love you, Nicky," he whispered, leaning down to kiss his son's forehead. He rubbed his son's side before getting up to fix the blanket. "Get some sleep, baby." Nicky smiled and closed his eyes, listening to his father leave the room as he slid the door nearly to a close.

"I love you, daddy," he whispered to himself before falling asleep even though Neal wouldn't hear him.


	3. Chapter 3

Neal was fine for the next few weeks following his flashback that his son witnessed. Peter noticed about a week and a half ago that Neal was getting too thin, so he made a comment about it and was making sure Neal was eating properly again. There hadn't been any more flashbacks, but Peter wouldn't let Neal stress himself to the point where he was as thin as a stick. He wanted his husband to have some substance rather than having the ability to feel Neal's all too prominent ribs. Since Peter's comment, Neal was doing very well. He'd put on a couple pounds and seemed like he was back to his normal weight, which Peter was relieved to see. Even though he and Neal were two men, he wasn't interested in having a supermodel thin husband. That's not the kind of man he is and he wouldn't let Neal harm himself that way.

Friday morning, Neal woke up early to take a shower. While he was in there, Nicky knocked on his parents' bedroom door. Peter woke up slowly, murmuring, "Hm?" Nicky came in hesitantly and Peter sat up, rubbing his eyes when he realized Nicky was there. "What's up, Nick?"

Nicky sat on the big bed, crossing his legs. "Poppa, how's daddy been?"

Peter gave him a small smile. "He's doing fine, Nicky. He's been all right, so don't worry."

"Would you tell me if he wasn't okay?"

"You'd know if he wasn't okay," Peter said gently. "He's happy and all right, kiddo." Nicky nodded slowly, his eyes diverting from Peter's own. "Is something else on your mind?"

The teenager frowned. "I want to do something nice for daddy. I don't know what to do though." Peter gave him a curious look. "You told me that I shouldn't have treated him the way I did a few weeks ago after all that he'd done for me and I thought about everything he's done. I owe him, poppa. He never disappointed me, but he was always out of money." Peter remembered Neal mentioning that. Neal hated saying no to Nicky from the start. He didn't want to be a hardass kind of father, but he didn't want to be a pushover either, so he found a balance between the two. Even if he cracked, he still gave Nicky small or partial punishments. "He's done a lot to keep me happy and I want to make him happy for a change."

Peter smiled. "Just give him a hug and tell him you love him. That's all he needs, Nick." Nicky didn't look happy with that answer and Peter understood. "He doesn't want either of us to buy him things. He usually gets mad at me when I try to spend money on him, so that might not be the best route to take. Make him a card or something. It needs to come from you to be special."

Nicky nodded. "Can you think of anything I can do that's more special than a card?"

Peter chuckled. "Nick, this is from you. You are giving him something. Make it something he'll treasure because he knows it's from you—like the bracelet you made him that he still wears." Nicky smiled a little at that. He never actually looked to see if Neal still wore that after two years. He'd have to look when Neal got out of the shower. "He'll love anything you give him, so don't worry about that."

When Nicky finished talking to Peter, he went out into the hallway and nearly ran into his father. "Whoa," he startled. "Morning, kiddo." Nicky glanced at his father's wrist and grinned when he saw the bracelet there. Obviously, Neal took it off before getting into the shower, but he always put it back on. Neal gave his son a curious look. "Everything okay?"

"You still have that," he replied, nodding towards Neal's wrist.

Neal glanced down and smiled a bit. "Of course I do," he said. "It's from my baby. It means a lot to me." He ruffled Nicky's hair before walking past him to get into his bedroom. Peter was thrilled to see him, smiling up at his wet self. "Hey, love," he said quietly when Nicky came in after him.

Peter pulled his briefs on while he was still on the bed before sliding out of bed to walk over to Neal, kissing him fiercely while holding his hips. Neal moaned into the kiss for a moment before they mutually broke away. They needed to stop or they'd get carried away in front of their son. "Hello, my beautiful man."

Nicky smiled at them. He really liked seeing them together like this. For all the times that they've argued, moments like this make up for at least half of them in Nicky's mind. He hates when they argue, but they usually resolve it within a few hours of calming down.

Neal hummed as he went through his dresser to find something nice to wear. He was also trying to drag it out because he was going to mess around with Peter a little before work—or at least he'd been hoping he could. Peter bought him some more lingerie since their honeymoon and Neal liked wearing it for him. He always teased Peter with the idea of what he'd look like if they ended up in some hostage situation and his pants were somehow removed. Peter would just shake his head and tease him, telling him their captor would probably fuck him on the spot for looking so good in lingerie.

When Peter glanced over at Neal, he knew exactly what was going on. He grinned, amused, staring at Neal's broad back. There was a long, hardly noticeable scar there from when he'd been beaten by Martins with a crowbar. Neal was never on his stomach when Peter made love with him, so Neal had no reason to feel self-conscious about it. It hurt Peter's heart every time, but he was just glad his husband was still alive. He didn't care about the scars and tried to convince Neal to forget about them. Neal conceded sometimes and let Peter have his way with him as he'd wanted initially without further thought about his scars.

"Daddy?" Neal turned and gave his son a questioning look. "Can… Can we take the day off from school and work?"

Neal raised an eyebrow, sharing a brief look with Peter before focusing on his son. "How come?"

Nicky shrugged. "I don't want to go today. I'd like to spend time with you since we haven't done much together in a while." Neal gave him a small smile. "Can we?"

Peter would explain that things between Nicky and Neal were rough lately and Hughes would be fine with it. As long as he was able to come in if there was an emergency, he was fine with Neal taking a 'stress day.' "Go ahead," Peter said gently, watching Neal. "I'll talk to Reese."

"Won't that complicate reports and things I need to do?"

"I could bring them home for you if you want."

Neal considered it for a moment. "All right. Thanks, love." Peter smiled as Neal glanced at Nicky again. "Let me get dressed and then we'll talk about what we're going to do today." Nicky nodded, thrilled that Neal was letting him spend time with him on a school day. "Go put some decent clothes on, baby. No pajamas outside." Nicky giggled and darted out of the room, heading to his own to change. "He's excited to spend a whole day with me?" Neal asked curiously, glancing at his husband again.

"You're his daddy. He loves you, Neal. Don't question it." Neal rolled his eyes. "Hey, you're pretty fun to be around when you're not tired or irritated."

"In other words, you hate when I'm cranky and bitchy," Neal said, chuckling. "Shut the door."

Peter closed the door and watched as Neal pulled out his lingerie and jeans. "You've been a little bit of both on _some_ occasions, but that's usually my fault anyway." He hungrily watched Neal as he flung the towel at the bed and started getting dressed. "God damn," Peter whispered. Neal smirked, standing upright when he'd pulled the lingerie on. "If I didn't have to go to work, I think I'd love you into the bedsprings."

Neal grinned. "We do that during the night." Peter walked over to Neal, tracing Neal's hipbone lightly. "Mm. You can look, but you can't touch. I've got a date with my son to uphold."

Peter sighed. "Can I at least blow you before work?" Neal raised an eyebrow. "…Or you can blow me?"

"Nobody's blowing anybody this morning," Neal said, laughing. Peter loved how the laugh affected Neal's beautiful eyes and smile. "I'll blow you tonight if you don't feel like being inside of me."

"When has that ever prevented the latter from happening regardless?"

Neal shrugged. "I suppose you're right. For a man your age, you recover pretty quickly."

Peter's brows went up to his hairline as he laughed. "A man _my_ age? You aren't that far off forty yourself, buddy." Neal grinned at him. "A man my age," he muttered. "I'm going to kick your ass the day you turn forty."

"Four years to go, my love," he said, winking. Peter neared him and Neal jumped back, covering his ass. "No," he whined. "I'm not gonna lie when I say I'm sore from last night's rigorous fuck."

Peter laughed at him. "Awe. Poor baby Neal."

"If I wanted to, I could probably make _your_ ass hurt as much as mine does, _then_ I'll smack you to see if _you_ like the feeling."

"Oh, honey," Peter said, shaking his head. He reached out and stroked Neal's jaw. "I'm so glad you like being a bottom guy," he teased. Neal gave him a wry smile. "I'll be gentle with you, angel. We've been pretty rough the last few times."

Neal smacked Peter's chest. "I _love_ it. It's nice when you're not holding out on me." He went over to Peter's dressed and pulled a shirt out at random, pulling it on. "When you finally realize you aren't going to break me, it's nice to have you be a little rough."

There was a knock on the door and both men asked for another minute. Nicky giggled before taking off to wait downstairs. "Fine. I'll rough you up so you can't even _sit_ tomorrow," he murmured. Neal shivered and Peter's heart sped up a bit. "You actually like when I'm rough?"

"Well, to an extent—obviously. It's fantastic, mind-blowing sex with you. You're, like, perfectly in the middle of feather-light and ripping my ass off." Peter burst into a fit of laughter and Neal rolled his eyes. "I suppose that's what I get for giving you a compliment…"

"Those are two extremes. I know I've been as slow as a turtle and I think I only jack-rabbitted you once or twice. I've worked on finding a nice, comfortable medium."

Neal hugged him, nuzzling Peter's throat. "You're really good at it."

Both men finally finished dressing themselves and they met Nicky downstairs after playing like children on the stairs, shoving each other playfully. Nicky laughed when he watched them act like that. "All right," Peter said, slyly sliding his hand down Neal's back to grip his ass gently. "You boys have fun today. I can't wait to hear all about it."

Neal watched Peter, struggling to keep himself under control when Peter touched him like that. "Be safe at work, poppa." When Nicky darted over to give him a hug, Neal exhaled without having realized he'd been holding his breath in the first place.

"I will, buddy." He squeezed Nicky before letting him go. "You keep daddy out of trouble," he whispered with a wink. Neal smirked, waiting for Peter to kiss him goodbye. Nicky giggled when Peter ruffled his hair. Then Peter turned towards his husband. "I love you," Peter whispered to him, pulling him close for a quick hug and a longer kiss. Neal was breathless when Peter pulled away. The older man brushed Neal's hair back gently, a soft smile on his lips. "Have a fantastic day, angel."

They murmured, "Love you," to each other before they all headed outside. Peter's arm slid around Neal's waist as they stepped off of the stairs and onto the pavement. He pecked Neal's lips and smiled at him before saying goodbye to them both. He got into his Taurus to head to work while Neal and Nicky got into Neal's Corvette they bought him a year ago with their tax returns.

Neal waited for Peter to back out of their driveway so he could back out, too. Nicky got buckled up beside him and was really excited. "Do you think I should've asked poppa to take off with us?"

Neal chuckled. "I'm sure poppa's okay. You two can have quality time whenever you want, baby. Poppa will take you anywhere you want to go." Nicky smiled at his father. "So, where are we heading?" he asked as he got to the end of the driveway. "It's too early for McDonalds, so don't say that just yet. I promise I'll take you there for lunch though, all right?"

"Dad, you're awesome!" Neal laughed, shaking his head. "Um, can we go see a movie?"

"Depends on which one. Last I saw, there were a bunch of non-kid-oriented movies, baby."

"My friends have been talking about _Frozen._ They said it was good. Can we see that?"

Neal pulled his phone out and searched the movie online so he could make the decision before heading all the way out to the theatre. He wouldn't take Nicky to see anything that wasn't meant for kids or family. He shrugged. "Sure. This looks fine." He put his phone back into his pocket and checked both ways before backing out into the street, turning to head east. Nicky was excited and Neal could just feel it.

He decided to run a few errands since they had some time to kill, so he took Nicky with him to the bank to put his and Peter's last paychecks into their joint account after texting Peter to ask if that was all right. He pulled out a bit of cash for the movies and a couple other things he wanted to buy, then dragged Nicky over to the dollar store to grab some soap for dishes and laundry. Nicky was getting really anxious after they'd gotten back into the car and Neal promised that they were heading out there next. They made it to the theatre with plenty of time to spare before the next showing. He paid for their tickets, some snacks Nicky wanted, drinks, and popcorn. Carrying all of that was an adventure for Neal. He didn't take Nicky to movie theatres very often, so he was a bit out of practice.

Neal picked seats that were fairly decent. He knew Nicky wouldn't particularly care about their seating, but he wanted to make sure they could see everything just fine. While they were waiting, he was on his phone using his right hand, his left arm draped across the back of Nicky's seat. He briefly glanced up from his phone screen to see his son chewing ravenously at the twizzlers he bought him and it made him chuckle. He captured a video without Nicky noticing and promised himself that he'd show Peter later.

He and his husband were exchanging obscene text messages with each other while waiting for the previews to come on. He was slightly embarrassed to admit to Peter that he was turned on by the texts—very physically turned on—and Peter teased him mercilessly about it. "_Ooh. Did someone just get really hot all of a sudden? Damn, Neal, you naughty brat. You're mine when we get home._"

Neal chuckled to himself, replying with, "Suck my dick, jerk."

Peter almost instantly replied, "_Yes, please._"

The younger man rolled his eyes, telling Peter he loved him before putting his phone away. The previews were on and Nicky was leaning against him now. "Were you texting poppa?" Neal smiled at him. "I'm glad you're happy, daddy."

Neal rubbed Nicky's left shoulder. "Are you happy?"

Nicky looked a little confused by the question. "With poppa?" Neal nodded. "Of course, dad. He's my poppa and I love him as much as I love you." He smiled up at Neal and whispered, "I think he's really good for you."

"Mhm," Neal murmured, knowing his son was hinting at his and Peter's bedroom activities. "Somebody's gonna sleep outside if they don't mind their own business during the night." Nicky giggled and Neal wasn't entirely sure how to continue the conversation or if he wanted to. When he himself had been thirteen, he hardly knew a thing about sex—until Adler _taught_ him. Nicky seemed to know a lot and he was aware of the fact that Nicky watched some of his porn. He made damn sure he didn't have it lying around or that it was easily accessible on his laptop. He also had a password put onto the laptop that only he and Peter knew.

Part of him worried that Nicky would become one of those teenage boys who had sex with a girl for fun and ran out on them if they got pregnant. It made him sick to think of his son acting that way, so he and Peter discussed how they'd try to get across to him that they want him to be respectful to whoever he's with. He figured they had a couple more years to go before Neal really needed to have _the talk_ with Nicky, but he trusted his son to make good decisions instead of decisions based on peer pressure.

Neal rubbed Nicky's shoulder slowly, swallowing hard. He didn't want to think about Nicky growing up just yet. Hell, he was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Nicky was looking for bits of independence here and there. He didn't want Nicky to grow up, but it was happening anyway.

He focused on the movie and was actually as interested in it as Nicky was. He let Nicky have all of the popcorn and snacks as he did whenever they were at the movies. During the movie, he decided he was going to buy it the day it came out on DVD. With that decision came the realization that Peter would laugh at him for either being too flamboyantly gay about it or that he's as childish and young as his son. Either way, he didn't care. He liked _Frozen._

•◊•

After Neal tucked Nicky in for the night, he joined Peter downstairs on the couch. Nicky said he had a lot of fun with Neal. He liked the movie, loved going to McDonalds, and was thrilled to no end when Neal surprised him and took him to Adventureland Amusement Park. "You guys are so worn out," Peter teased when Neal dropped down onto the couch.

"Next time, you take him to the amusement park. That kid has way too much energy."

"Awe. Is daddy getting too old?"

Neal mock-glared at him. "I'm still young enough to kick your ass, Burke." Peter smiled, rubbing Neal's thigh. Neal groaned as he pulled his legs up onto the couch and, much to his surprise, Peter pulled his legs over his thighs. "Whoa. You're initiating my irritating habit of laying all over you?"

Peter chuckled. "Maybe I just like rubbing your legs." He rubbed Neal's ankles slowly. "I'm really glad you two had a good day. I think it was really necessary for you to spend time together."

"Does he think I'm upset with him?"

"He doesn't," Peter said gently. "I think he feels guilty about…the flashback." Neal started to say something, but Peter cut him off. "I've told him he had nothing to do with it, angel. He's as sensitive as you are. He felt bad and I think he's happier now that he got to spend a whole day with you, hon." Peter rested his hands on Neal's knees and smiled at him. "He likes to see you happy and he told me you had a blast."

Neal nodded, staring at his husband lovingly. "The three of us need to do more together, Peter. Maybe we've all been a little distant over the past few months."

"If that's your subtle way of asking if I'm upset with you for not sharing your nightmares with me, then you're a dork. I love you more than life itself." He slid his hands up to Neal's thighs, pulling them closer. "We agreed that living on top of each other all the time might not be what's best for us. You know I'm always going to be here—right here—for you if you need me, honey."

"That's why I love you," he whispered, resting his hand on Peter's. "I appreciate you so much. Like, you respect me and my needs, love me unconditionally even when I'm an idiot, and you're just the sweetest man I've ever met in my life."

Peter grinned at him. "I knew I wanted to marry you. I wanted you to know that I love you with all of my heart, Neal. There's no other man I'd rather be with than you."

They ended up taking their conversation upstairs to the bedroom to pursue a heated intimacy in bed. Neal was quieter, knowing Peter liked that more than crying out loudly. Peter was always gentle with him and there was always a flame of passion between them. "I love you," Neal whispered, staring up at his husband. Peter didn't want to lie down despite being exhausted and spent. Neal noticed though and chuckled. "Lay on me."

Peter couldn't hold himself up much longer, so he conceded. He laid on his husband's front, breathing against his neck. "God. You're so damn warm," he murmured. Neal laughed quietly as Peter's hands roamed over his body. "Neal, I'm never getting up again."

"Oh?" Neal asked, chuckling.

"You're so warm and I can feel your pulse in your neck," he whispered, licking over Neal's pulse. Neal shivered and laughed lightly. "Your heart's beating against mine and it's all just… You're intoxicating. I hope you know that." Neal ran his fingers through Peter's hair, smiling as he closed his eyes. "I'll never be able to get enough of you, angel. There's so much of you I have yet to worship."

"I'm not a god," Neal said, opening his eyes to give his husband an amused smirk even though he wasn't looking. "I'm just me. That's all I've ever been with you and that's all I'll ever be." Peter groaned against him in protest to his initial comment about not being a god. "Don't you _ugh_ me, Peter Michael Burke."

Peter kissed Neal's throat. "Neal George Burke, I will _ugh_ you all I want—and maybe get some oomph in there, too."

"I could just moan and say your name in the most lascivious way possible. The oomph would be in your head, my delirious lover." Peter's hand slid down Neal's right side, sliding over his hip to rest near his groin. "Peter," he whined. "We _just_ finished. You can't possibly want to go again."

"Try me," Peter challenged, closing his eyes.

Neal groaned as he pushed Peter over and got him onto his back. "Okay. You lay there for me." Peter's eyes were barely open as Neal straddled his hips, lowering himself onto Peter's miraculously hardened length. "Wow," he moaned. "Your recovery time was impeccable."

"If you're gonna sit there, can I thrust up into you, baby?"

Neal raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Oh, my bad. I didn't realize I was being slow by talking to you," he teased. He put his hands on Peter's chest and moved, gasping quietly each time he impaled himself on his husband.

Peter held Neal's forearms loosely, moaning. "You're so beautiful."

"And you're very handsome." Peter reached up to stroke Neal's jaw, smiling at his husband.

"Mm," Peter murmured sleepily. Neal stopped moving and smirked wryly at the older man. "You stopped."

Neal rolled his eyes. "Go to sleep, my love. I'll stay on you."

"But I want you to move."

Neal chuckled and kissed Peter's chest. "You know I move around in my sleep." Peter groaned. "We've learned that you can ejaculate in your sleep, which is a wonderful talent of yours."

Peter shut his eyes and murmured, "Shut up and lie down, brat." Neal laughed quietly, lying down on top of Peter without disconnecting their sweaty bodies. "You're gonna complain about being sore tomorrow morning. You sure you wanna sleep this way?"

"Yes, love."

"I don't want to hear any complaints…"

Neal smiled up at Peter. "When have I ever complained? Your performance is always immaculate." Peter grunted at him and Neal's smile widened. "Exactly. Now go to bed, babe." Peter nodded, cradling Neal's head with one hand while resting his other on Neal's shoulder. He needed to feel Neal before he fell asleep just to be sure that he hadn't dreamt his husband up in some half delirious dream. Every time, he realized this was his life—this was his husband—and every time he was touched by the knowledge that Neal is willingly his forever.

•◊•

Peter wandered down the stairway the following morning, rubbing his eyes while yawning. "Hon, you down here?" He was met with silence. That was strange to him. Neal wasn't in bed and he could smell something in the kitchen, so Neal was supposedly in the kitchen. "Honey?" he called out.

He rounded the corner to find Neal curled in on himself against the lower portion of the cupboard, sobbing quietly, sounding like he was in hysterics. His laptop wasn't too far from where he was sitting. Concerned, Peter knelt beside him and touched his arm gently. "Look at it," Neal gasped.

The older man's brows furrowed, but he pulled Neal's laptop closer and entered the password, immediately seeing a news report in front of him. Peter's eyes widened, his throat dried, and his anger rose. The anger lasted for mere moments before he set the laptop aside and tried to pull his husband close. "Neal, you're safe. I swear to you, nothing will happen to you."

"It's over," he said brokenly. "My life is over."

"No, Neal. No." He glanced at the laptop while stroking his husband's hair. Adler somehow managed to break out of prison after all this time and Neal was terrified. "He's not coming for you or Nicky. I will kill him if he tries to take either of you, angel."

Neal shook his head, lifting it a moment later to gasp for breath. Peter's heart ached as he watched his husband cry. "I didn't even mean to find that online. I-I… Peter, I'm scared." Peter nodded, keeping his eyes locked onto Neal's. "He's going to come after me—us. I can't… Peter, please."

Peter hushed him gently, wiping his tears away. "Do you trust me?"

"More than anyone," Neal replied fiercely, sniffling.

The older man whispered, "Then trust me to protect you. You're my husband and Nicky's our son. Nothing is going to happen to either of you this time." He took both of Neal's hands in his and held them, trying to reassure Neal that nothing would happen. He leaned forward and kissed Neal softly, making a silent promise to keep him safe.


	4. Chapter 4

"This is getting out of hand," Mozzie whispered as he sat with Peter on the patio in the back of the Burke house. He glanced at Peter and noticed that his best friend's husband looked lost. "Are you even trying to help him?"

Peter's glossy look faded almost instantly and he glared at Mozzie. "Yes. This whole week has been hell for him, Moz. He's been jumpy at work and he's afraid to be alone." He rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. "I have put all of my efforts and all of my people on Adler. If he so much as breathes within twenty feet of Neal, I'll know about it."

"You have him being watched if you're not with him."

He knew it wasn't a question. Mozzie knew exactly what Peter was doing to keep Neal safe. The older man respected Peter for taking those kinds of precautions, but he wanted to know what Peter was doing to emotionally save Neal. "I have undercover agents at Ascension to protect Nicky at all costs and, yes, I have him tailed if I'm not with him. He's hardly away from me, Mozzie, so it's not like I'm frequently sending someone after him."

Mozzie's eyes widened and Peter froze. "I don't need a tail," Neal whispered behind him.

Peter turned to look up at his husband. He looked so worn out and exhausted mentally and physically. The news of Adler's breakout was hitting him hard. Because of that, Peter also had people keeping Craig Laird, Garrett Fowler, and Matthew Keller under extreme surveillance. Having one bastard out in the world was problematic enough. If all four of them were roaming the streets, Neal would never leave the house again. Hell, Peter figured he'd never leave their bedroom ever again.

"Neal—"

"I don't want people who don't know me to follow me," he said firmly. "You promised me you'd protect me. They didn't make that promise." Peter nodded, staying quiet. He thought Neal went to sleep. They'd been in bed together and Neal seemed relaxed. He'd either faked falling asleep or he'd woken up in a panic when he realized Peter wasn't in bed with him. "I only need you. Just you." Peter could see the panic attack coming on and he swallowed hard.

He stood up slowly as Neal's breathing became labored and he started sweating. "Neal, I'm not going anywhere. You know I'm going to be right here with you."

Mozzie watched with a heavy heart. He was glad Peter knew how to help Neal. It was better than any effort he could make because Neal didn't trust him as much as he trusts Peter. To some extent, that hurt Mozzie, but he was just relieved to know that Neal had a strong support system in his husband. "Peter," Neal choked out as his eyes began to water. "_Help._"

Peter was holding Neal in mere seconds. He could feel Neal's distress, so he rubbed Neal's back, whispering, "I've got you," repeatedly. Neal's eyes were shut tightly and he held onto Peter, clutching the back of his shirt roughly. He didn't want to let go of Peter at all. "Honey, do you want to go sit down?" Neal sobbed against Peter's shoulder and murmured something that Peter took as a yes. He helped Neal back into the house and led him to their couch, gently lowering him onto it. The younger man started stammering unintelligible things that made Peter's heart hurt. He knelt in front of Neal, holding his hands. "Angel. Angel, it's okay." Neal shook his head, trying to stop the sobs before they came. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop. "I'm not letting you out of my sight, baby," he whispered. "I'm going to keep you safe. I promised you that."

"I—I—terrified—scared… Peter—please—I…."

Neal looked like he was in physical pain and Peter didn't know what to do. He wouldn't leave Neal alone though. He hushed him, nodding slowly. "Baby, you don't have to say anything if you're afraid to talk about it. I'm not forcing you to—"

"I need to leave. I can't stay here." Peter's lips parted in surprise. "I'm the one he wants. If I'm not here, Nicky's safe. If I'm not here, you're safe." He was sincerely trying to convince himself that leaving his family was for the best even though it was killing him inside. Peter could see the emotional toll this was taking on Neal. "I—can't…. I can't be here. I can't stay."

Peter rested Neal's hands on Neal's lap, lifting his own hands to caress Neal's cheeks. "I'm not letting you do this on your own," he whispered. "You're not leaving me, Neal George Burke. You can't leave me or Nicky."

Neal's breath hitched. "I should," he whispered. "I can't," he added, his voice cracking to make him sound broken. "Need… Need…" He was breathing too fast and Peter was trying to get him to relax as best he could.

"I will do anything for you," Peter whispered fiercely, stroking Neal's cheekbones. "You're not leaving, honey. I'm not letting you hurt yourself by doing this alone. I couldn't live with myself if I let you go."

Neal's eyes finally opened and he nodded quickly. "Keep me, please," he pleaded. "I can't do this without you. I can't live without you." Peter knew that Neal might say those things under normal circumstances during passionate conversations, but these were desperate circumstances for Neal. He didn't want to be alone even though he told himself he should isolate himself from his loved ones to protect them. He was too afraid to leave Peter and all of the safety and security that came with Peter's presence.

Peter nodded. "You're my husband—the love of my life. I'm going to hold onto you and we'll make it through this together." Neal was wary as he tried to agree with his husband. "We're in this together, okay?"

"Okay," Neal whispered, nodding as he tried to convince himself that they could work through this together. They'd done things like this before, but he never knew if Peter would come to resent him for being so weak and dependent. "Okay."

His breathing was starting to regulate itself and Peter gave him a soft smile, leaning forward to give Neal a chaste kiss. "Nobody's going to hurt you before I can hurt them. I'll be your human shield, honey. Nobody is getting to you."

"What if he kills you?" Neal asked so quietly that Peter nearly didn't catch the question.

"He won't," Peter vowed. "I'm not letting you leave me and I promise you that I won't leave you either. Nothing will take me from you, hon. That son of a bitch can try all he likes, but I'm not leaving you."

Neal ran his fingers through his hair, nodding. "Okay, Peter. I…I believe you."

Mozzie noticed far too late that Nicky had come downstairs. He'd seen and heard everything that just happened and Mozzie knew Neal couldn't deal with that right now. "Uh, I'm going to use your lovely restroom," Mozzie said quickly, darting across the room towards Nicky. Peter glanced up and saw his son. His eyes widened for a split second and he was grateful that Neal wasn't looking at him for once.

Mozzie herded Nicky upstairs silently and Peter relaxed beside his husband. "How're you feeling, honey?"

Neal breathed shakily. "I don't know why this is hitting me so hard," he whispered. "I've been fine. I was fine after twenty years. It's only been about four and I'm having panic attacks." Peter didn't know what to say to that. He wasn't sure why Neal was affected this way. Something dawned on the younger man then. "It's because of Nicky," he whispered. Peter's brows furrowed. "I'm panicking because Adler broke out—because Nicky is thirteen. Adler raped me when I was thirteen." The panic came back full force. He nearly knocked Peter back into the coffee table when he frantically stood up and tried to run upstairs. Peter barricaded him, telling him everything was fine and that Nicky was safe. Neal only struggled against Peter's grip and then he resorted to screaming for Nicky.

In seconds, Nicky was bounding down the stairway, standing on the landing to look at his father, concerned. He could see that something was really wrong. He knew his father wasn't at fault. Even though he's thirteen and they tried to keep him out of the loop, he knew Adler was out of prison. He was afraid only for his father's well-being. "Daddy?"

"Let me go!" he yelled, trying to break out of Peter's grip. He wasn't seeing Peter or even Mozzie coming downstairs behind Nicky. His vision was tunneled and focused on his son—on protecting his son. When he finally broke free, he ran straight to Nicky and scooped him up into his arms, holding the teenager against him. He was breathing heavily, his hands roaming all over Nicky's hair and back just so he was certain that his son was alive and okay.

"Daddy?" Neal kissed Nicky's neck, shutting his eyes tightly as he began to cry silently. "Dad, I'm okay. You're okay, too." He looked beyond Neal to meet Peter's eyes, seeing the hurt and fear in those chocolate eyes. "Poppa's here with us, dad, and so is Uncle Mozzie."

Neal nodded, slowly setting his son down. "I can't let you get hurt," he whispered brokenly, keeping his son wrapped up in his tight embrace. "I can't…"

Peter hadn't even considered this to be one of the reasons Neal was panicking. He agreed with Neal that Adler was coming after him, not his son. They hadn't thought about him going after their son. Kneeling beside his husband, Peter rested his hand on Neal's back, rubbing him tentatively. "I promised I'd protect you," Peter whispered, "and I promise you I'll protect our son."

Nicky understood then. He knew his father was worried about him. With that came the realization that Neal was terrified of Adler taking Nicky to rape him. Nicky's heart hurt. "Dad, poppa will keep us safe."

Neal leaned away from his son, his eyes still shut tightly. Peter watched him and reached out when Neal threw himself at his husband. Peter gently stroked Neal's hair, holding him. It wasn't long after that when Neal fell asleep, clearly exhausted. The other three were still in the room and Peter sighed shakily, looking up at Nicky. "Dad will be okay."

"He's worried about me more than himself?"

Peter nodded. "I'll get him through this and I swear I'll keep you both safe, Nick."

Nicky gave his poppa a small smile. "I knew you would."

Mozzie used one of the guestrooms after tucking Nicky in. He'd stay overnight because he was worried about the man he considered his little brother. Peter carried Neal up to their bedroom. Despite putting on some weight at Peter's request, Neal was still frighteningly light.

Peter laid Neal down on their bed and covered him up. He laid down beside Neal and just stared at him, wishing that none of this was happening. He wished he could have stretched the last two years out to make them last longer because Neal was happy. Nothing was hurting him like this during those two years.

After a few hours of watching a silent game on their television, Peter got up to use the bathroom. He was only gone for a couple of minutes, but he startled when he reached the bed and found his husband staring up at him sadly.

Neal was breathing evenly when he whispered, "What's the collateral damage?" Peter shook his head, pulling the blanket up so he could slide under it with Neal. Neal was frustrated and Peter knew that. "Peter, tell me how bad I made everything."

"Angel, go to sleep with me." He turned off the nightstand lamp and television and flipped onto his side, taking the liberty of resting his head on Neal's chest and his hand on Neal's stomach. He hated that Adler could do this to him. Neal could be all right one moment and falling to pieces the next.

"I need to talk to you," Neal whispered in the darkness.

Peter internally sighed. "I'm listening, hon." He didn't want Neal to talk about this. He'd rehash memories he wanted to forget and Peter feared that Neal would go into severe hysterics.

Neal weaved his fingers through Peter's hair. "I'm really sorry for the way I was acting. I should be able to control myself by now." Peter frowned. "I'm sorry for hurting you."

"You didn't—"

"I know you're in pain when you have to watch me during my panic attacks," he whispered. "I really need your help, Peter. I'm not afraid to admit that to you. I'm afraid that Nicky will… That he'll…" He swallowed and Peter was going to stop that line of thought in its tracks until Neal finished. "I'm afraid that he'll rape my son. I was afraid when he kidnapped Nicky, but Nicky's the age I was when he took me." Tears were welling up in Neal's eyes as he stared up at the ceiling. "I can feel that pain all over again. I can feel Adler raping me and then I imagine Nicky in my place and it _kills_ me."

Peter pushed himself up and stared at his husband in the barely lit room. The moonlight was their only light for the moment. "Honey, I know you're scared," he whispered. "I'm scared, too. I'm scared for you and for our son, which is why I will put every ounce of energy and every moment of every day into making damn sure neither of you are harmed." He tentatively kissed Neal, relieved when the younger man's lips moved against his. "No one will be raped," he promised. "Not you. Not Nicky. I refuse to let him do that to either of you." Neal stared up at him, believing in his husband and all that he said he'd do for Neal. He knew that Peter was the only one who would go to the ends of the earth to protect him and Nicky. He was the only person Neal trusted that much with both his and Nicky's life. They kissed again, a short and chaste kiss, before Neal decided this was enough for him to talk about tonight.

•◊•

Neal sat at his desk, drinking his coffee. He was trying to live his life as though Adler were still imprisoned, as though he wasn't afraid of what would happen to his son. He didn't want to live in fear. He'd done that to himself for twenty years and he couldn't do it again. He wouldn't live his life behind closed doors. Peter and Nicky didn't deserve to live that way.

He was writing reports for Peter by hand that morning because these didn't need to be computerized. His hand was cramping and it wasn't even noon yet. He sighed in frustration and set his pen down. He couldn't do this anymore for the moment. Peter didn't need these reports until the following afternoon, so he had time. Combing his fingers through his hair, he sighed heavily. Thoughts of Adler and Craig kept coming back to him and he was doing his damnedest to bury them. He couldn't let Peter suffer because he couldn't control his inner demons. He'd work to get himself under control and work to have a normal life with Peter and his son.

If things got to the point where they were unbearable, Neal would go to Peter. He held onto Peter for support as it was, but he needed him even more when the terror struck him immensely. His desk phone rang and he glanced up to see if Peter was messing with him again, but Peter was in Hughes' office talking to Hughes. He tentatively picked up the phone and answered, "Special Agent Neal Burke speaking."

"_So you're still alive and now you're married,_" the voice on the other end said bitterly. He ground his teeth and closed his eyes. "_You didn't even ask if I wanted to be at your wedding, yet you invited your father._"

"Because I didn't want your bullshit," he said quietly enough so as not to get anyone's attention. "We've been married for two years."

She made a hurt sound and Neal knew better than to believe she was in actual pain over missing his wedding. "_Two years and you never once called to tell me that you were a_ Burke. _I'm very disappointed in you. Why couldn't you live with Bennett or Caffrey?_"

"You don't even deserve the answers you're looking for—I owe you _nothing,_" he hissed. "You weren't invited two years ago and I'm really glad I did that. It was so much fun and great because you weren't there. Swallow that bit of information for a little while and stay off my work phone's line. This is for emergencies."

"_I want to see you._"

He decided that he didn't even want to dignify that with a response, so he hung up and set the phone down. The last thing he wanted right now was for his mother to try to squeeze her way back into his life. Nicky wasn't interested in getting to know her while both Neal and Peter hated her—all with good reason.

The last two years have been great. He didn't have his mother's drama and his father wasn't entirely in his life. He stopped by around birthdays for the three of them as well as Thanksgiving and Christmas if they weren't heading up to the Burkes in Maine. James gave them space because he didn't want to be overbearing like Maryann had been. He actually wanted to stay in his son and grandson's lives. Neal appreciated that he was making the effort to keep his distance unless there was something going on that warranted a random pop-in or phone call.

His phone rang again and he muttered, "Son of a bitch," before answering. "Special Agent Neal Burke."

"_Wow. Very professional, mon frère._"

Neal sighed and palmed his forehead in aggravation. "Seriously, Moz? Calling my work phone? You do realize you're dialing the FBI?"

"_Of course I do. Your personal phone must be on silent because I tried to call you that way._" Neal mentally slapped himself. He should've turned it back up once he got to work. "_I'm just calling to let you know that everything is okay on the Nicky front._"

Neal was relieved. "Thanks, Moz. I really appreciate that you're watching him."

"_The Suits aren't even remotely connected to the little guy. I wouldn't leave him to fend for himself in the midst of guns and handcuffs._"

Neal smiled wryly. "They won't pull guns unless they see Adler and the handcuffs will come after they've already shot him." They talked a little more about Nicky and the school and Mozzie critiqued the lack of emotion in the FBI agents standing guard around the school. When Neal glanced up from his papers he was reading while Mozzie ranted, he saw Peter give him the finger point, asking him to come up. "Uh, Moz, sorry to interrupt, but I need to go."

Mozzie let him off without a problem and Neal got up, heading up to Peter's office. "Shut the door." Neal's brows furrowed, but he did as Peter asked. "I need to tell you something, Neal, and I need to know if you need to go home or not after I tell you."

"What's going on?"

Peter swallowed hard. "Neal, please, sit down." Neal did and looked up at his husband expectantly. "It's about… It's about Ellen." Neal's heart leapt up into his throat. He knew this wasn't good news. He already knew what Peter was going to say and he wanted to know _how._ "Ellen… She was murdered last night." Neal's breath hitched and Peter looked concerned as well as sympathetic. "We're still looking into it, angel. We don't have all the details, but Hughes told me not too long ago."

Neal looked so lost and Peter's heart broke. He knew this would hit Neal hard, which is why he didn't want Neal to hear it from a news report or from another agent. He wanted to be the one to support his husband. "Is anything being done?"

"Yes," Peter said gently. "Agents are sweeping the house for prints and a possible weapon."

"I don't think the idiot would leave a gun behind after killing someone." Peter was silent. "She wasn't killed with a gun." Peter shook his head slowly and swallowed. "What was she killed with?"

"Neal, I'm not going to tell you right now." Neal gaped at him. He knew Peter was aware of the relationship between him and Ellen. "I don't want you to look into this right now. Please, for me, just…wait for me to give you the information."

Neal looked away from Peter, thinking. He'd find out somehow. Even if Peter didn't tell him, he'd find out. "Are there any suspects?"

Peter nodded. "A few." He was surprised that Neal hadn't lost control, but he was proud of him. Neal was probably dying on the inside, but he was really working on his emotional breakdowns. Peter told him he could breakdown in front of him without having to worry about being judged, but Neal still wanted to try to contain his emotional outbursts. "Are you okay?" he asked, trying to keep his voice gentle and calm. He didn't want Neal to burst into tears, but he didn't want Neal to isolate himself either.

"Yeah," he whispered. "I just… It's a lot to process." Peter knew he was struggling to keep the façade up. "I need to know what happened and why, Peter."

"In time, honey. I promise I'll tell you as I'm updated." Neal didn't leave Peter's office even after their conversation was finished. Peter didn't ask him to leave either. The younger man just fidgeted with a paperclip, bending it. He set it down to play with a pencil and Peter glanced at him then, watching him. Peter flinched when the pencil snapped in half and Neal seemed oblivious to what he'd just done as he picked the paperclip up again. "Angel," he whispered. Neal looked up at him, question in his expression. "Should I take you home?"

Neal's brows furrowed. "Why are you asking?" Peter nodded towards the remnants of the pencil on the desk and Neal glanced down. His eyes widened a bit and his lips parted as he stared at the pencil and then at the paperclip. "What am I doing?"

"Do you want to go home?" Neal shook his head and sighed. Peter glanced at his watch and then looked up at Neal again. "Baby, let's go get some lunch." Neal muttered that he wasn't hungry and Peter gave him a very disapproving look until Neal conceded and said he'd try to eat something. Peter didn't want Neal to create an eating disorder for himself. Neal needed to eat and Peter would make him eat regularly. If he refused, Peter would gladly spoon the food into Neal's mouth as though Neal were an infant who couldn't hold his utensils.

Peter drove them down to McDonalds at Neal's half-hearted request. They went inside, ordered, and then found themselves a table to sit at. Neal was just staring at his sandwich and occasionally eating one of his fries. Peter was worried about him. Neal wasn't freaking out or crying or acting anything other than the strong Neal he'd come to love. Neal swallowed hard and bowed his head. Peter felt bad about bringing him here now, knowing Neal would feel ten times worse if he fell apart in a public place. "Why did it have to be her?" he whispered. The older man reached across the table to touch Neal's hand. He didn't have the answers to Neal's questions. "The last time I saw her was when we invited her over for dinner." He lifted his head a bit to inhale sharply and Peter could see that he was crying. "She brought the skateboard I used as a kid over for Nicky," he said, laughing quietly. He rubbed his eyes and exhaled shakily. "She told me how proud of me she was when she looked at the family I made."

The older man slid out of his side of the booth and swung around to sit beside Neal. He wrapped one arm around his husband and kissed Neal's hair. "You have those memories to keep forever," Peter whispered to him. "You know she's proud of you. You know she loves you."

Neal nodded, rubbing his eyes as he leaned against Peter. "She's my mom. My mom's dead." Peter's right hand flew up to cradle Neal's head when the younger man buried his face into the crook of his throat. "Why do bad things always happen so close together? I can't be happy. I can't live my life the way I want to." He was pressing soft kisses against Peter's throat and Peter kept his hand on Neal's head, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek on the crown of Neal's head. "My flashbacks came back, Vincent broke out of prison, and now my mom is dead."

Peter was on the verge of tears himself, but he wanted to help Neal. Crying would only hinder his efforts to help his husband. "I don't know why these things happen," Peter said softly, "but I'm so sorry, baby."

"God hates me," he whispered, sobbing quietly against his husband's neck. "I was raped by two men repeatedly, my son was kidnapped, my mom's dead, and I don't even know what Vincent will do to me or Nicky next." Peter's eyes watered. "Sometimes, I swear everyone is against me. In the end, I know I have you and Nicky. You two love me. You two are always on my side."

"Honey, you believe in God," Peter said. "Don't start talking like me. Stick to your faith and—"

"I can't," Neal murmured. "I can't stick to it. I have no faith. Everyone I care about is being hurt. I'm just waiting for something to happen to you because that'll be the ultimate end of me."

Peter shook his head. "No. Don't say that." He leaned away to kiss Neal's hair. "Don't think that way. You're still alive, Neal. If…" He felt really hypocritical because he's lapsed in his faith, but he wanted to encourage Neal to keep his. "If God didn't love you, he wouldn't have let you live."

Neal's heart pounded in his chest. He didn't know what to believe in anymore. "It may have been more merciful to have just killed me instead," he whispered. "I have to live while Nicky's mom is dead, while my mom is dead."

"That's part of life," Peter whispered. "We live and we die. Kate gave her life to create Nicky and Ellen died knowing she gave you hope to live the life you want." Neal stayed quiet and Peter understood. "Honey, I'm going to ask for a bag so we can take our stuff. We're gonna head out."

The younger man, surprisingly, put up no resistance to what Peter said. He was cleaning up their food while Peter asked for a bag. He brought it back to Neal and helped him put their food into it. Peter kept his hand on Neal's lower back as they made their way outside. He could just feel the breakdown coming on and he couldn't blame Neal. If he were in Neal's position and his own mother died, he'd fall apart, too, and only in the comfort of his husband's arms.

Peter was surprised that they made it to the car without an issue. They both got in and he hesitated, watching Neal, before starting the car. He wanted to give Neal his full attention if Neal needed it and he couldn't do that if he were driving. "Can we go home?" he whispered. "Both of us?"

"I'm sure that won't be a problem," Peter said quietly. Neal nodded slowly, staring at the dashboard. Peter started up the car and backed out of the parking space. As soon as he was able to drive straight rather than backwards, he reached over and cradled Neal's head, carding his fingers through Neal's hair slowly.

The entire drive home shocked Peter, honestly. Neal didn't cry anymore during it and he really wondered why. If this were his birth mother, Peter would understand why Neal wasn't crying. This was Ellen and she was the only real mother he'd ever had. His detachment worried Peter. "Take me to Ellen's house," Neal said abruptly when they reached a red light. Peter gave him an incredulous look. "I need to see it for myself to believe it. Please, Peter."

Peter swallowed hard, his gaze locked with Neal's. When someone behind them honked, they looked away from each other. Peter flipped his turning signal on and turned right. Neal, even though he was looking down, was surprised that Peter was doing what he asked. Peter kept stroking Neal's hair. "I'll do anything for you," he whispered. "Just promise me that you won't hide from me, Neal. I know you're hurting—you know I love you and I'm not walking away from you."

"I promise." Neal looked over at his husband, giving him a small smile. "Thank you, Peter," he said sincerely. He tentatively reached over to rub Peter's thigh for a moment. "I love you, too, Superman."

Peter smiled, knowing Neal would be all right in the end if he could call Peter 'Superman.'

As soon as they arrived at Ellen's home, Neal was reluctant to get out of the car. Peter was watching him, letting Neal make the decision. Neal took a deep breath before unbuckling and pushing his door open. Peter did the same and they met on the sidewalk leading up to the stairway. Peter extended his hand towards Neal, whispering, "I'm going to be right there with you." Neal nodded and took his hand, holding it firmly. Together, they walked up to the house. Neal pulled his keychain out of his pocket and slipped the key into the lock, pushing the large and heavy door open.

They walked inside together and Peter shut the door behind them. Neal froze on the spot, staring in horror at the scene before him. He knew not to touch or move anything because this was all considered evidence. Neal walked them into the living room after making it through the disastrous obstacle course of Ellen's belongings that had been thrown around.

In the living room, they found the bloodstain. Neal's heart ached as he stared at it. It was proof that she was gone. Her home was trashed and there was blood on the floor. "Tell me what they killed her with," Neal whispered.

There was too much blood for a simple gunshot and he had various scenarios running through his mind that were more and more horrific as he thought about them. "She was stabbed to death," Peter said sadly, keeping his eyes on Neal. "There were multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen. Her lungs were punctured and she… She was dead when the paramedics arrived."

Neal couldn't help staring around the room. He was trying so hard not to believe this was real, but everything was right here. He was subconsciously crushing Peter's hand. The fury inside him was rising and overwhelming his despair. The only woman he'd loved as a parental figure throughout his whole life was brutally murdered and he couldn't understand why. "We're going to find this sick bastard," Neal growled. "I'm going to find her killer, Peter."

"We aren't about revenge," Peter said desperately. "Neal, we're going to solve this as FBI agents. I loved her like family because she's the woman you saw as your mother. We can't put our personal feelings into this investigation if we want to find whoever did this."

"Then what are you suggesting we do?"

"We go about this through normal procedure. We're FBI agents, Neal. We need to act professionally in the field." He lifted Neal's left hand, kissing his knuckles. "When we're just Neal and Peter at home, you and I can be emotional and grieve—together. We're not looking for revenge. This is about justice."

Neal's eyes were locked onto the bloodstain, but he heard what his husband was saying. He wanted to wreak havoc and raise all holy hell on whoever murdered Ellen, but Peter was right. Peter was able to look at this from a leveled perspective. His judgment wasn't influenced by his heart and Neal knew he needed to listen to Peter. He himself was emotionally attached to the situation, but he needed to step back if they were going to solve this. "Justice," he whispered, nodding. He looked away from the bloodstain and met Peter's eyes. "I'm with you."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: There's a little bit of sex in this chapter—nothing too graphic.**

Peter woke up one Saturday morning to Neal's muffled voice. It sounded like he was in their bathroom and Peter wondered why he was in there as well as who he was talking to. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, trying to listen to what Neal was saying in the other room. Not even two minutes later, Neal came out with a huge grin on his face. That was something Peter hadn't seen in a _while._ "Well, good morning," Peter said, smiling at him.

"Good morning!"

Peter raised an eyebrow. "Did you get into my stash of beer?" he teased.

"Peter, we're off the wait-list! A mom picked us!"

Peter slid off of the bed and met his husband halfway, hugging him tightly. "That's great news, baby," he said, kissing Neal's neck. "I know how shitty it was to get the phone call that we were put on the wait-list. I'm so thrilled to hear that we're not on it anymore."

Neal closed his eyes, resting his head on his husband's shoulder. "We're meeting her this coming Friday. She's only about three or four months along right now, but she chose us."

The older man rubbed Neal's back, his heart pounding in his chest. This was the happiest he's seen Neal since his flashbacks came back. He knew this meant a lot to Neal, too. Neal was really depressed when they were told they were put on a list since the mother Neal had spoken to chose a different family. They assumed it was because they were gay and found out accidentally that it was. Peter had been furious and Neal was just distraught. Now, they'd be nearing their third year of marriage by the time they brought a new baby home. Even though they knew they weren't going to split up, it might've been good for them to wait instead of jumping right into adoption.

Both men went downstairs after taking a shower together, subsequently getting half-dressed, and started breakfast. Neal was so happy and Peter was just waiting for him to start bouncing off of the walls. It was nice to see him like this and Peter wished it could stay like this. With Adler's breakout and Ellen's death, Neal needed _one_ moment to breathe easy. Ellen's funeral was tomorrow, so Neal really needed something positive to happen.

Peter didn't realize he'd zoned out until he blinked and saw the extremely affectionate expression on Neal's face. "You were saying something really important, weren't you?"

Neal shrugged, chuckling. "Pretty much just babbling on and on about how excited I am for this." Peter smiled softly at his husband. Neal knew what Peter was thinking and he himself was thinking those same thoughts as well. He didn't like being down all the time. He desperately tried to be happy, but things just kept happening.

"Why don't you tell me again, honey?"

The younger man gave him a wry smile. "I'm so thrilled about this, love. We talked about this forever ago and now it's becoming a reality. Despite all the times I've complained about taking care of Nicky as a baby, I really miss it." Peter chuckled, gazing affectionately at his husband while he talked and darted around the kitchen. "I miss holding a baby, feeding a baby with a bottle… I miss trying to rock Nicky to sleep as he wailed in my arms. I had to sing to him sometimes to get him to sleep."

"Neal, you're an amazing father," he whispered. Neal looked up from what he was doing and smiled at Peter, silently thanking him for the compliment. "I'm going to learn from you how to do all of this. You're such a pro with children and the only experience I've really had with babies is holding them awkwardly."

Neal laughed. "I think you'll do just fine because he or she will be your own baby." He raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Ever change a baby's diaper?" Peter looked horrified and Neal took that as a no. "Oh, you're going to learn, poppa. You are _so_ going to learn."

Peter groaned playfully at the thought. "Well, at least my teacher is sexy." Neal smiled wryly. "You'll still be a better father than I am, but I'm excited to do this with you."

Neal rolled his eyes and went back to working on their eggs and bacon. "You bitched at me for degrading my parenting skills. I'll bitch at you if you start doing that, too."

The older man chuckled, shaking his head. "All right, honey."

By the time Nicky came downstairs, Neal and Peter were singing Disney songs together. The teenager stopped before entering the kitchen, staring at his fathers curiously. He loved that his dad was actually happy and it made him wonder. He couldn't think of anything that made his dad that happy, especially since he knew his dad's mom died. Nicky knew the difference between Maryann and Ellen once Neal and Peter sat him down and explained it to him. They kept most of the details to themselves, but Neal hinted constantly at the fact that he hates his own mother.

Neal and Peter decided that they were going to keep the news about the adoption under wraps for a little while because there was always the slight possibility that the mother would change her mind once the baby was born. They would hold onto their hope and be happy about the whole thing, but they had to keep in mind that the birthmother might want to keep custody rather than signing off on it. Neal didn't want to look like a liar to his son if things didn't work in their favor. "Good morning," Nicky said when he finally went into the kitchen.

Both men said, "Good morning," simultaneously and then laughed at themselves.

"No offense, but why are you guys so happy?"

Neal smiled at his son and then looked at Peter. "Poppa made me really happy this morning." And he had contributed to Neal's happiness. Their shower had been fantastic. Peter sucked him off and then they made love against the shower wall. It was perfect in Neal's mind and he was happy that Peter loved him enough to strive for perfection. He loved Peter for making love to him in general, but it was so much better when Peter purposely did everything he could to make it perfect.

Peter reached across the island in their kitchen to stroke Neal's cheek and jaw. They were both really trying to make it seem like something other than sex put them in a good mood and Neal realized they were failing when Nicky started snickering. "Whoops," Peter whispered, chuckling.

"Brat," Neal muttered loud enough for Nicky to hear him. Nicky kept snickering at the kitchen table and Neal even started to laugh a little. "Hey, you shouldn't even be thinking about stuff like that," Neal said wryly. "Pain in the butt."

"Dad, you make it really obvious."

"I do not!"

Peter rolled his eyes when they started going 'do not' and 'do to' back and forth. "Boys, I'm going to put you both in a corner of the kitchen if you don't knock it off," he teased. Neal raised an eyebrow at him before his face flushed. He realized he'd been acting childish and Nicky just grinned up at his father. "Nick, try not to look into things that deeply. We had a really nice conversation together that made daddy happy."

Nicky laughed. "Yeah. In bed."

"I'm gonna kick your—"

"Okay, okay," Peter said, rubbing Neal's arm. "What daddy and I do or talk about in the bedroom is meant to _stay_ in the bedroom where little peoples' ears shouldn't be listening." He felt kind of uncomfortable talking to Nicky about this. He'd felt uncomfortable before when Nicky admitted that he'd listened in on them before. Now that Nicky was older, he seemed to think he could tease them about their bedroom activities. "You, young man, need to stay in your bedroom and stop listening to me and dad while we're in ours."

Nicky rolled his eyes and Neal caught it. "Don't you roll your eyes at poppa, Nicolas James." The teenager bit his lip. He didn't realize Neal was paying attention to him. Neal turned away a moment later to finish up with breakfast and dish it out for them all. Peter stood by the stove with Neal, resting his hand just barely above Neal's ass. "I'm not sure what to do about _that,_" Neal murmured. "I never really thought about it because I always assumed he wouldn't hear me or us."

"Well, he heard you with your boyfriends."

"It was only one at a time," Neal said hurriedly, which Peter already knew.

He kissed Neal's cheek, smiling at him. "I know. I'm just saying. He heard you then, so… He hears us now."

"He shouldn't though." Peter agreed with that. They'd gotten a room far enough away from Nicky's and that should've allowed them some breathing room. Neal was quieter now since he'd trained himself to take his pleasure down a couple notches, but Nicky still seemed to know.

All through breakfast there hadn't been another word about the couple's lovemaking. Neal was still in a good mood and Peter wanted to keep it that way as long as he could. "Do you guys want to do anything today?" he asked them. They couldn't go out and play ball because it was cold outside and Neal banned inside play after Nicky missed catching a football Peter threw and their television ended up breaking. He put them both in the doghouse that weekend because it was a perfectly good and expensive television.

"We could play inside," Nicky said tentatively even though he knew Neal said no to that. Staying in his room for the weekend unless he had to go to the bathroom or come out to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner had sucked. He didn't understand why Peter wasn't staying in his room, but he didn't understand that Neal took sex off the table for a couple days, which was comparable to being grounded in his room.

Neal raised an eyebrow at him from across the table and Nicky looked down. Peter glanced sideways at Neal and wanted to laugh at how fatherly Neal was sometimes. Even if that fatherly gaze was focused on him, he loved it. Neal took his parental authority seriously. If need be, he admonished Nicky—sometimes Peter, too. "You can go play on the Wii if you want to do something sporty," Neal suggested. He turned his fatherly gaze on Peter, muttering quietly enough for his husband to hear him, "As long as you don't throw the damn controller."

"That only happened once," Peter said defensively. He leaned over and pecked Neal's lips, grinning at him. "And it was accidental, my love."

When Nicky left to go set up the game, Neal said, "Accidental my ass, mister."

He and Neal had been arguing that one morning and Neal was trying to find something that he knew Peter moved. The problem was that Peter couldn't remember moving it nor did he remember where he'd moved it to. Peter and Nicky had been playing with the Wii while they were having said argument and Neal was pissed off when he realized Peter was playing a game instead of helping him. He'd accidentally thrown the controller at Neal when he whipped it off. He'd intended to toss it to the floor or couch. Hitting Neal's chest was _not_ the target and Neal had been just a little more pissed off after that.

"I kissed it and made it all better," Peter said, trying to get Neal to smile.

"Uh huh." Neal rolled his eyes and got up to clean the dishes from the table. He kissed Peter's temple as he grabbed Peter's plate. "Kissed it and then some," he said quietly before taking the dishes over to the sink to rinse off and put into the dishwasher.

Peter put the dishes into the dishwasher after Neal rinsed them and then they both went into the living room to play with Nicky. "Okay, so daddy's rules are: no fits of anger, no throwing controllers, and no breaking the television."

Neal gave him a wry smile, smacking his chest playfully before they got going.

•◊•

Nicky held his father's hand as they stood in the cemetery together Sunday afternoon. Peter stood beside his husband, keeping his hand on his lower back to offer some support. Neal was crying silently as he listened to the small eulogy about Ellen. He'd been asked to do a eulogy and he wasn't sure if he still wanted to do that in front of all of her friends, his father, and his family. Nicky promised he'd stand there with Neal if he went through with it and Neal really appreciated that.

When it came time for him to give his eulogy, he set flowers on Ellen's casket, letting the tears slide down his face. Nicky was crying, too. He didn't know Ellen very well, but he knew her well enough to know that she meant a lot to Neal. He stood in front of everyone and didn't know what to say. "I'm…not very good at this kind of thing," he admitted right from the start. "Ellen was like a mother to me," he said, smiling softly. He looked down at his son and Nicky squeezed his hand. "She was always there for me when I needed her and she loved me like the son she never had. She was so sweet and family-oriented. She never treated anyone poorly if they didn't deserve it. Justice was her middle name." Neal blinked his tears away, laughing. "It's going to be strange, knowing she'll never smile or laugh again. She'll never walk through my door with a huge smile on her face and hugs ready for me, my husband, and my son. I remember the first time she saw my little guy right here," he said, smiling at his son. "She told me he was beautiful and told me he'd be just like me when he grew up. She slugged me on the shoulder and told me she was proud of me." Nicky leaned into his father's side and Neal's arm wrapped around his shoulders. "I'm going to miss her so much," he whispered, touching the casket gently. "I hate that she's gone because she brightened my day. She could brighten anyone's day. I remember speaking to one of her friends before who said the same thing." He laughed and rubbed his eyes. "She was such a wonderful woman with a heart of gold and not a single bad bone in her. No one could _ever_ be as lovely as she was." He slid his fingers over the glistening wooden cocoon that encased his mom. "I love you… Rest in peace, mom," he said quietly, his lips trembling.

Nicky walked with his father, keeping their hands locked together, as they made their way back to Peter. Peter pulled Neal in for a half hug, giving Nicky the remainder of his hug. "Thank you for being with daddy," he whispered to Nicky. Nicky smiled, rubbing his own eyes. Peter glanced at Neal and quietly asked, "Do you want to head out, hon?"

"Yeah. I…I can't be here to see them bury her." Peter nodded, circling his arm around Neal's waist. Nicky kept his father's hand in his, knowing his dad was hurting a lot. Nicky didn't know his mom, so he didn't cry for her. He knew that he'd cry if he lost his dad though. He tried to imagine how that would feel so he knew what his father was feeling and it wasn't pleasant. He didn't want to think about his father not being there one day.

The three of them went to the Taurus and got in. Neal sat in the passenger seat and was trying to calm himself down by the time Peter got in. Nicky was leaning forward, resting a hand on his dad's shoulder. "I love you, dad," he said quietly.

Neal smiled and reached up to rest his hand atop Nicky's. "Love you, Nicky—so much." He took his son's hand and kissed his knuckles. "I really appreciate that you were standing beside me, Nicky. It meant a lot to me. I hope you know that."

"You're my daddy," Nicky said softly. Peter smiled, listening to them. "I can't leave you when you're in pain. You never left me and I know you'll never leave me."

Neal was quiet for a moment. "Sometimes, you're too mature, baby," he said teasingly. He turned in his seat to smile at his son. "Thank you," he whispered.

Peter took them all home and was relieved to get out of his dreary suit he'd donned for the funeral. Once he was in comfortable clothes, he laid on the bed and watched his husband. Neal was in his sweatpants and shirtless. He came to sit on the edge of the bed, sighing. "Need to talk, hon?"

"I'm not sure what to do anymore, honestly." Peter gave him a questioning look. "Nicky's growing up. My dad is… He's in my life, but not as much as your dad. My mother, I could care less about whether or not she's here, but Ellen… I don't know what I'm going to do without her. I knew she'd pass someday, but I thought it would be naturally. It wasn't supposed to…to end this way."

The older man sat up and scooted over to sit beside Neal. "She wouldn't want you to freeze up because she's gone," he whispered, taking Neal's hand to hold between their thighs on the mattress. "I know she would want you to keep your head up and live, baby."

Neal nodded. "I know she'd want that, too. I want answers though. I want to know who did this to her. I need to know who took her from me."

"We'll find the answers," Peter promised. "I'm not going to let this rest until you get closure."

"I don't want closure," Neal whispered. "I want my mom."

Peter squeezed his husband's hand gently. "I know, honey, and I'm sorry."

Neal bowed his head abruptly and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and kept breathing deeply and slowly. Peter didn't know what he was doing, but he let Neal do whatever it was nonetheless. When Neal opened his eyes and raised his head, he smiled a little. "Until we get the answers, I'm going to live day by day. I need to stop letting things eat at me like this. If I keep doing that, I'll probably give myself a stress-induced heart attack."

"You know I hate when you say things like that," Peter whispered.

Neal nodded. "It's true though. I need to relax more." He slid his hand out of Peter's and rubbed Peter's thigh. "You don't deserve a husband who's frequently caught up in his own mind. I don't want to neglect you and your needs or concerns. You're my husband and I need to make sure I give most of my time to you."

He jumped at Peter, pushing his husband onto his back before straddling him. Peter raised an eyebrow, amused. "Why do you always think making love is the answer to solving your 'negligence?'" Neal chuckled, pressing his palms against Peter's chest. "You know I don't feel like you're not giving me enough attention, right? Because… I'll have to screw you into the mattress so hard if you honestly believe you're being inattentive."

"At least let me grab a pillow to lay on before we do that." Peter smirked. "In all seriousness, I do feel like I've been inattentive. You're my hubby and I've been way too caught up in my own problems lately." He rubbed Peter's chest. "I know you've had a couple frustrating days lately. I'm sorry for not talking to you about them."

Peter startled Neal by flipping them quickly. Neal bounced on the bed as his back hit the mattress. His eyes were wide as he stared up at Peter and then he laughed. Peter kissed him fiercely for a few moments, murmuring, "I'm going to make you so damn sore today if you keep apologizing and thinking you're neglecting me." Neal shivered, liking the sound of that. "You and I make love every night, Neal. You're very attentive to what I need when we're together."

"I didn't mean _sexually_ inattentive. I know I pay attention during sex," he said wryly. "How does this sound? You make love to me and tell me about your last few days or so. Tell me what's frustrated you or bothered you or made you happy—anything that's on your mind. Love me and take out the frustration on me."

Peter just stared at him silently. "You want me to abuse you?"

"No!" Neal said hurriedly. "I mean, well, kind of. I've cried all over you lately. The least I could do is let you pound into me if it makes you feel better."

The older man didn't like hearing that. "You—" Neal pleaded with his eyes. "God. You're such a brat," he muttered. He kissed Neal for a moment before pulling away. "I will make love with you and talk to you during it, but I'm not going to hurt you because of it."

Neal nodded. "All right. Just tell me whatever's on your mind. It's my turn to listen to you for once."

Neal stripped himself out of his sweatpants and lingerie before locking their bedroom door. Peter, having stripped himself quickly, was waiting for Neal on their bed. He had the blanket pulled back for Neal to slide in beside him.

Peter watched as Neal immediately laid on his back and waited for Peter to hover above him. When Peter did, he kissed Neal first. Neal's hands came to rest on Peter's shoulders, his thumbs rubbing the skin slowly. Peter was stunned when Neal broke away from the kiss and started scooting down the bed. "What're you doing?"

"I'm gonna suck your dick," he said as though it were obvious, which it was. Peter rolled his eyes and let Neal do what Neal wanted. "Talk."

Peter bit the inside of his cheek when Neal licked his tip. "All right… Well, I had a really frustrating case the other day," he started. He moaned when Neal started to suck on him. "I was working with a probie who had no idea what the hell he was doing and he wasn't following orders at all." Neal's hands slid up to hold Peter's hips, rubbing his hipbones gently while he sucked at Peter's cock. Peter closed his eyes and imagined the way Neal looked right now. "It made me miss working with you. Like, this kid is a recent Harvard grad and he hadn't had the slightest clue about how to go about interrogating one of our suspects."

Neal gagged for a moment and Peter pulled away, looking down at Neal in horror. "I'm good. Sorry. Damn gag reflex."

"You don't have a gag reflex unless I'm literally starting to choke you." Neal was silent. "Okay. I don't like lying on top of you when you're sucking me if I'm not allowed to suck you." He waited for Neal to move before flipping over to lie on his back. Neal rolled his eyes at him and got back into position.

"Talk, love."

Peter closed his eyes and let himself feel Neal's hot mouth on his skin. He reached down to tangle his fingers in Neal's hair, feeling his husband. "This kid… I told him he needed to pull his shit together because he made a damn fool out of everybody involved, including myself, and he had the nerve to make a comment." Peter wanted to stop there, but knew Neal would press him for an answer, so he sighed, knowing Neal's eyes were on him even as he moved. "He disrespected you and he doesn't even know you. He knows we're married, but he doesn't know _you._" Neal didn't really care about what people said about him anymore. He's happy and happily married, which is all that matters to him. "He said he's not my Ken doll and he doesn't have to take orders from me because I'm not fucking him up the ass."

Neal leaned back for a breather, breathing heavily for a moment. "Wow. What an asshole. I hope you told Reese."

"Nah. I took care of the little prick myself." Neal smiled and went back to working his tongue around his husband's cock, teasing the slit. "I told him I didn't have a Ken doll and said you aren't taking orders from me because we're physically intimate. I told him he can go fuck himself." Neal was impressed. He knew Peter would always stick up for him, but Peter wasn't really one to say 'fuck yourself' unless he was teasing Neal or really pissed off with somebody else. "I put him on report and he's making excessive coffee runs for you for the next month and a half at your request."

Neal laughed throatily, causing exhilarating sensations to flow through Peter. Neal's laugh nearly made him come in his husband's mouth on the spot. Neal pulled away again, knowing Peter was ready to take him. "Keep talking. I'll prep myself."

Peter raised an eyebrow. Neal reached over for their lube and opened it, coating his middle and index fingers the way Peter always did. He found it very arousing to watch Neal play with himself and Neal knew that. "All right. Uh… Okay." He watched Neal raptly as the younger man tried not to take too much pleasure in what he was doing to himself. "I was talking to Diana on Friday and you know I've had her sitting on Craig since everything started happening lately." Neal nodded, looking at his husband while he slicked himself. "She told me Craig was bitching about how horny he was and asked if he could borrow _you._ I want to go down there so badly and punch the bastard in the face. You have no idea how badly I want to maul him." Neal gave him a small smile. "Nobody has the right to talk about you like that. I don't give a damn who they think they are. You're my husband and I refuse to let them talk about you like you're something other than a human being."

"Craig doesn't deserve the time of day from you," Neal whispered. "If you go down there, you're giving him what he wants. He's trying to get a rise out of you and he's probably hoping I'll get pissed off and go down there myself."

The older man hadn't considered what Neal was thinking. He thought about it while Neal finished opening himself up and flopped down onto his back, staring at Peter with a small smile on his face. Peter slicked himself before turning over to hover over his husband. He kissed Neal passionately for a moment. "I don't like it when people say things about you," he whispered. "You're a wonderful and very beautiful man and I—"

"Babe, this is supposed to help _you_ feel better. I'm not looking for an ego boost."

Peter raised an eyebrow once again. He shifted Neal's legs a bit and slowly slid into his husband, watching his face. There was a brief moment of pain and then Neal was fine after that. Peter slowly rocked against Neal, loving that he could have Neal this way—loving that he was the only one to have Neal this way. "Complimenting you makes me feel better," he murmured, kissing Neal's nose. "I look at you and I know I'm happy. I've got an amazing husband and an amazing son and we're going to have another amazing son or daughter in the near future, I hope."

Neal stroked Peter's cheek, arching his back up from the mattress when Peter hit his prostate for the first time. Peter took advantage of Neal's position, sliding his left arm underneath his husband to hold him close. "Well, I hope you know you're the best husband any man could ask for."

He didn't want to believe Neal, but he knew he made Neal happy. If he made Neal happy, then he was doing everything right. "When I thought about what Craig said to Diana, I was infuriated. He degraded you in so many ways and I loathe his existence. I wish he'd suffocate on his own breath sometimes." Peter didn't realize he'd thrust into his husband roughly in that moment. It'd been very brief, but still hurt Neal nonetheless. The younger man hid it well though, knowing Peter would never intentionally hurt him.

"Hey," Neal whispered. "You're above him. What he did to me is in the past. He can talk about it all he likes because it's just a bunch of talk." Peter frowned. "He hurt me, but he can't hurt me now. You're here to protect me."

"I wasn't there to protect you then," Peter growled. Neal couldn't stop himself from crying out in pain then. Peter's eyes widened. "Holy shit," he whispered. "Neal, I—"

Neal sucked in a deep breath, closing his eyes. "I'm okay. Just focus on talking, love."

"I can't. I can't vent and make love to you at the same time. Neal, I don't want to hurt you."

The younger man pulled Peter's shoulders down when he tried to get up. "Stay," he demanded. "I said I'm fine, babe. Don't worry about me." Peter closed his eyes and kissed Neal's throat, rocking against him at an easygoing pace. Neal was quiet, waiting for Peter to talk. "Peter, you—"

"I'm going to make love to you without saying another word," he whispered. "You're my husband and I love you to death. I want to show you that." He stared into Neal's eyes, willing Neal to concede. "I promise we'll talk afterwards, but I can't… I can't multitask during this. I'm not going to hurt you because I'm pissed at other people." Neal nodded, seeing the sincerity in Peter's eyes. "Can we do this in a different position?" Neal swallowed, nodding silently. Peter moved away and Neal did the one thing that Peter never wanted him to do. He got on his hands and knees and turned away from Peter. The older man stared at his husband, horrified. "No. We are _never_ using that position," he said fiercely. He tugged Neal towards himself, holding Neal so that Neal's back was pressed against his chest. "I will _never_ do that to you."

Neal looked up at him, uncertain. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. He had this slight feeling that Peter was upset with him and he'd moved to fit the mood, which he realized now was wrong. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Peter kissed Neal's shoulder, rubbing his chest. "I will never make love to you if you're facing away from me," he promised his husband. "I won't put you through that." Neal nodded, his heart pounding in his chest. This was the first time he'd done that with Peter and he definitely hadn't expected Peter to react so strongly to it. Peter breathed shakily as he mouthed Neal's throat. After a few quiet moments, Neal turned in Peter's arms. Peter sat back, gently pulling Neal with him.

Neal understood now and he moved without having to ask or guess what Peter wanted. He mounted Peter, getting as comfortable as he could manage. His legs ran past Peter's body. Peter really wanted to be close to him, so he wrapped his arms around Peter's neck and smiled lovingly at his husband, hoping he was helping the mood somehow. Peter's arms wound around Neal's waist and he returned the smile before kissing Neal. He thrust very slowly into Neal while they lazily kissed each other. "I love you," Neal murmured against Peter's mouth, his eyes closed lightly. He pressed his forehead against Peter's and just let them have this moment for themselves and their marriage.

•◊•

Neal woke up early Monday morning. He was up at four-thirty because he thought he heard something and he'd startled awake. He stared at his husband who was snoring quietly beneath him. Their bodies were still connected and he had no intention of moving despite the slight discomfort. He knew that he'd wake Peter up the moment he moved off of him. He just laid there, listening to Peter's even breathing, feeling Peter's heartbeat underneath his palm.

He closed his eyes and relaxed. Peter talked to him about a lot of things, opened up about so many things Neal didn't realize Peter was keeping to himself. Peter was severely stressed out while trying to track down Adler and find Ellen's murderer as well as keeping his family safe. Neal didn't realize he was putting Peter through so much, but Peter told him he didn't regret doing any of those things. He made sure Neal understood that Neal is his priority, but Neal knew Peter needed to take a breather himself.

Peter's hand twitched on Neal's lower back and Neal's eyes opened. He hoped Peter wasn't awake. They'd only gotten to sleep around one in the morning and Peter needed to rest. Fortunately, Peter was still asleep. He'd just twitched in his sleep and he seemed to relax once both of his hands were on Neal's back. Neal took comfort in that small subconscious gesture, knowing Peter wanted to protect him even in his sleep.

He went back to sleep, wishing he could run away with Peter and Nicky—take them somewhere where they'd never be found, somewhere they'd be safe. He wished things were different in their lives. He wished he'd never been raped because he wanted to live happily and calmly with his family. Neal hated being the center of attention. He never wanted the spotlight and certainly not because of his past. Things had to get better. He kept telling himself that and he hoped that there would finally be a day where he could say '_things did get better._'


	6. Chapter 6

The following Friday, Neal and Peter met with the social worker Neal had spoken to on the phone the weekend prior as well as when he'd initially started looking into the adoption process. She'd been very helpful throughout the process and she herself had been depressed when she made the call to inform them that they were wait-listed. She knew the Burkes would be excited to hear the good news and she'd spoken to the mother who seemed enthusiastic about the two.

She led them to a room where the mother was and left them to talk to her. Neal was surprised to see how young the mother was, but he wasn't going to judge her. She smiled at them and Neal started the introductions when Peter stood beside him with increasing tension. He hadn't gone with Neal before, so he wasn't sure what to expect. "I'm Neal Burke and this is my husband Peter," he said amicably, extending his hand towards the mother.

The mother shook his hand. "My name's Karen Walters." Neal gestured for her to take a seat on the couch while he and Peter grabbed chairs and brought them over. "I read the file on you guys when my social worker started showing me potential parents. I really liked what I was reading and I wanted to see it for myself." She glanced between the two for a moment. "I read that you already have one son and I'm assuming he's biologically one of yours?"

Peter glanced at Neal and Neal gave him a wry smile. "He's biologically my son, yes, but we think of Nicky as _our_ son. We went through the second parent adoption process after Peter and I got married, so he's legally my son's father as well."

Karen smiled at him. She seemed really taken by Neal and Peter noticed. It was a good thing Neal did this before because he certainly wasn't being very helpful with the conversation. The most he'd been doing was pushing things off on Neal and frequently finding himself touching Neal's back or holding Neal's hand. "You two seem like a good, lasting couple. If I'm allowed to ask, where's your son's mother? She gave her rights up?"

"She died during childbirth," Neal said quietly. Karen looked apologetic almost immediately. "Honestly, I never would've met my son if she hadn't died. His mother never told me I'd gotten her pregnant…" He sighed shakily. Even after all these years, some little part of himself still believed he was to blame for Kate's death. "I guess she realized something might happen. She'd listed me as the father and I eventually took a paternity test to confirm that he was mine."

She looked shocked and Neal wasn't sure if he'd fucked up royally. "That had to be one hell of an experience."

Neal chuckled, feeling his face heat up a little. "Very much so." He glanced at Peter for a moment. "I knew early on that I'm gay, so I came to terms with the realization that I wasn't going to have biological children. I wasn't aware of or able to pay for surrogacy at the time. Even after I learned about it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to put that kind of pressure on a woman. She'd end up parting with the baby she'd carry for me and…" He looked at Peter again, seeing the small smile that most likely meant he'd been speaking too much. "Sorry," he said apologetically. "I'm rambling."

She shook her head and giggled. "No, you're fine," she said softly. "You must be a really good dad."

For the first time since arriving, Peter contributed. He rubbed Neal's thigh and met his husband's eyes. "He _is._ He's an exceptional father." Neal gave him a small, appreciative smile. "Nicky's thirteen now and he was just about to turn nine when I met him. He's a really good kid, very sensitive and loving—like his father." Neal grinned, blushing a bit. He really liked hearing Peter talk about Nicky that way. He always sounded like he adored their son and that made Neal happy. "He'd be a great big brother, I think."

"Wow. You two have a thirteen year old?" Neal and Peter both nodded. Neal guessed that she was about sixteen or seventeen. She looked really young and Neal was actually kind of proud of her for looking for a specific family for her baby. "I'm fifteen. He and I could be friends," she said, laughing. Neal chuckled. Peter was stunned when she said her age. He didn't realize she was _that_ young. "In all seriousness, I really like you guys. My baby's father is… He's got a lot of problems. I left him before I told him about the baby, but my social worker wants me to talk to him so he can make the decision to sign his rights off like I'm hoping he will."

Peter rubbed Neal's thigh again. "Drug problems?" Neal asked gently.

She nodded. "Drug, alcohol, emotional problems. He's just all around a bad guy and I don't want my baby anywhere near him." Neal's heart ached for her as well as the baby. He didn't like that she'd had to put up with a guy like that and he was also concerned about the baby's health. "I'm positive he won't want the baby and I know I can't take care of it."

"I can speak for us both when I say we'll give him or her all the love in the world if you give us the opportunity to care for your baby," Peter said. "No one is more dedicated to parenting than Neal, I assure you. I'm learning all that I can with him and I'll be able to raise this baby with him from the beginning."

Karen smiled. "Oh, I know you'll both be great parents. It's not every family that has _two_ FBI agents." Her smile widened when Neal and Peter chuckled. "You're both federal agents and you have a stable home life with a son. The moment you two walked in, I knew you were perfect." Neal smiled up at his husband and Peter took his hand. "You're both gentlemen and obviously dedicated to each other."

"More than you know," Peter whispered, staring directly at Neal.

The conversation continued from there, turning into an inquiry about how her pregnancy was going thus far and she'd asked if she could see a picture of their son, which Neal readily provided. She was instantly awed by how cute Nicky looked—cute and very healthy. She could tell that he was definitely Neal's because they looked alike. "I won't even be looking into other couples, so I assure you that your position is secure," she told them as their conversation was coming to a close.

Neal stood when she did and extended his hand once again, but she tentatively pulled him into a hug. "We truly appreciate this, Karen. Thank you," he said softly, squeezing her gently. She gave Peter a similar hug and said goodbye to them both before showing them out.

As they made their way outside to the Taurus, Neal was vibrating with excitement and Peter couldn't help smiling at that. When they got to the car, he knew Neal couldn't get in with all of that pent up joy without exploding. He unlocked the car on the passenger side and pulled his husband against him, hugging him tightly. "I'm so glad this is going well," he said, kissing Neal's throat.

"We'll just have to wait and see what happens when she tells the father," Neal said. "If he tries to take custody, she'll have to fight him in court. Nothing you or I do will speed the process along nor will it guarantee anything, so we need to keep our minds open to this and just…be patient, I guess."

Peter nodded, leaning back to stroke Neal's hair. "I agree. Things are looking good, but you're right." He held Neal's hip with his right hand, rubbing his thumb just below Neal's belt. "I love you, baby."

Neal smiled. "I love you, too." Peter pecked Neal's lips, then his forehead before letting Neal finally get into the car. He drove them home, his fingers intertwined with Neal's.

•◊•

Neal stared intently at his computer screen, reading through multiple reports linked to a case he'd picked up a few days ago. He rubbed his knuckles over his lips subconsciously, scanning through the names and details. There were a few reports about a man kidnapping young boys on the streets and it made him wonder if Adler was going after random victims to pull him out. He closed his eyes and kept seeing the pictures of the children who'd gone missing. He remembered his own missing poster and hated the fact that his mother gave them one of his happier photos that was surprisingly up to date at the time.

These children were too young, too innocent. They were between seven and ten and it made him sick. If Adler was using these children to pull him out, he needed to end this. He couldn't let Adler hurt them.

Breathing deeply, he lifted his head and glanced over to his right on the desk. He looked up at Peter's office, finding his husband looking very busy. Peter didn't know about this case he'd snatched up for himself, but he was considering pulling Peter in. The last time he'd taken a case without Peter's knowledge, their marriage—though they'd only been engaged at the time—nearly ended. Two years into their marriage, Neal didn't want to lose his husband.

He grabbed his gun and put it into the harness underneath his suit jacket, rising from his seat. He went up to Peter's office and knocked on the door, swallowing hard. Peter looked up from his paperwork looking exhausted and then he smiled. "Hey, gorgeous."

"Hey, handsome," he said, chuckling. "Can I come in for a sec?"

"Of course." Peter set his papers aside and looked up at Neal as Neal neared his desk. "Everything okay, baby?"

Neal shook his head. "No, to be honest." Peter's brows furrowed, but he nodded, gesturing for Neal to take a seat. "I pulled a case about kids being kidnapped. I want to go take a look, but I… I don't want to go alone."

"You think it's Vincent?" Neal nodded slowly. "You know I'll go with you, honey." Neal gave him a small, appreciative smile as Peter got up and pulled his suit jacket back on. Neal took the liberty of grabbing Peter's gun, phone, and keys from the desk, holding them for a moment. Peter turned towards him and smirked, taking the gun first to tuck into his harness. He set his phone in the pocket of his suit jacket and curled Neal's fingers over the keys. "You take the wheel on this one, baby."

They made their way down to the first floor and outside, heading to the Taurus. "What I've gathered in the reports I've read is that the children he's kidnapped—"

Peter paused and Neal did moments after, turning to face him. "He's kidnapping children? You said kids. When you say children, you usually mean younger than Nicky. How old are they?"

Neal frowned. "Between seven and ten. That's why we need to find him, Peter." Peter nodded, walking towards Neal again. They continued towards the Taurus and Neal was getting Peter caught up even as they got in. "They were all kidnapped around west eighty-sixth and usually during the night. NYPD has been patrolling the area, but they haven't found anything useful."

Peter kept his eyes on Neal as Neal drove them up to west eighty-sixth. He knew this was scaring Neal, but he knew Neal felt like he needed to take responsibility for these children's lives. He would never discourage that in Neal. He understood the reasons behind it and he was proud of Neal for them. Neal startled for a split second and then turned the police scanner's volume up in the Taurus. Peter hadn't been listening to it because he's been too worried about Neal, but he listened now. The man on the scanner was reporting another kidnapping in the area and Neal stepped on the gas. "Honey, you need to slow down," he said tentatively, watching buildings, people, and other landmarks pass them by far too quickly for his liking.

One look at Neal told him that his husband wasn't listening to him. He was only hearing the scanner as it detailed the situation at hand and he was driving in the direction that all of this was happening in.

Upon arriving on west eighty-sixth, he drove down near the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir and parked, getting out almost immediately. Peter followed him and watched as Neal's eyes darted all over the area. He knew the house the child had been taken from was nearby. Neal's gun was in his hands the moment he heard a little boy screaming for help and he was sprinting towards the scream even as it muffled and vanished. His heart was racing and he didn't even register Peter trying to catch up with him.

Neal raced through the area towards the reservoir and saw a man looming over the water. "FBI!" he yelled. The man spun to look at him before darting off. Neal realized it wasn't Adler immediately, but he wouldn't let this man get away nonetheless. He'd let Peter's shooter get away because he'd been concerned with saving his husband's life and they still hadn't found said shooter to this day. This was another bastard he couldn't let slip away. He closed one eye and followed the man as he ran, shooting without moving. In seconds, the man was on the ground, howling in pain. Peter caught up to Neal, breathless. "Go get him. I'm gonna find the—" Neal's eyes widened and he took off for the water. He dropped his gun and was taking his suit jacket and harness off as he ran. Once he was freed of the few things that would hinder him, he dove into the water.

Neal's heart clenched as he thought about what was happening to the little boy the man had kidnapped. The screams vanished and that terrified him. He didn't want to be too late. Though his chest was physically starting to ache as he dove deeper into the water, he kept going. He could see the child and he, luckily, had his pocketknife on him. For once, he was glad he didn't take it out of his pants pocket.

Peter was stunned for a moment before doing as Neal asked. He sprinted towards the man who was trying to scramble to get up. Promptly, Peter dropped down to his knee, digging it into the man's lower back. "Bastard," he hissed, grabbing the man's arms. He pulled them behind him and handcuffed him. "You've been kidnapping them?" The man grunted. "Sick son of a bitch," Peter growled, turning towards the reservoir. Thus far, Neal hadn't resurfaced and he himself was beginning to panic.

Fortunately, NYPD came and took the man Peter cuffed to one of the cruisers. Peter neared the water just as Neal came up, gasping for breath with a little boy sputtering water and gasping against him. He swam as best he could towards where Peter was at and Peter pulled the boy up from Neal's arms and set him down gently, then he pulled his husband out, looking him over quickly. Neal was on his knees seconds later, brushing the boy's hair out of his eyes. "Hey," Neal said softly. Peter realized the boy was crying hysterically. Neal slicked his hair back so he could make direct eye contact with the boy. "Look at me. C'mon, kiddo. Look at me." The boy met Neal's eyes and Neal smiled a little. "You're okay. I promise."

Peter took his suit jacket off and wrapped it around the shivering little boy. "Y-You saved me," the kid said, awed.

Neal nodded, dismissing the suggestion that he was a hero immediately. He was more concerned about the boy than he was about being a hero. He pulled the suit jacket around the boy tighter, continuing to stroke his hair, which seemed to help him calm down a bit. "Jamie!" a woman screamed. Neal looked up as the woman started sprinting towards them.

"Mom!" The boy got to his feet, holding the suit jacket as his mom pulled him in for a hug.

She was kissing his face and hair as she cried, relieved that he was still alive. Neal looked up at Peter and Peter met his eyes, seeing the haunted look in his husband's blue eyes. Neal rose to his feet, dripping as he stood in front of Peter. "I… The other kids…" Neal's voice sounded strangled, the complete opposite of how he'd sounded when he was talking to the little boy. "Peter, they're down there." Peter's heart ached as Neal's heart broke on his face. "He didn't see them, but they're anchored down at the bottom."

"Jesus Christ." Even though Neal was soaking wet, he pulled his husband close, letting him cry silently against his shoulder. Peter rubbed Neal's back, feeling on the verge of tears himself. He couldn't imagine the sight Neal saw down there nor did he want to. Like Neal, he always pictured Nicky in place of another child. Thinking about Nicky floating under the water with all of his life drained out of him from being asphyxiated made him _want_ to cry. Thinking about Nicky drowning made him think about Neal's suicide attempt and that thought was no more comforting than the first. "Honey," he whispered, kissing Neal's neck. "There was nothing you could've done."

Neal breathed shakily against his husband, nodding. "Excuse me." Neal backed away from Peter, rubbing his eyes quickly. "You saved my son?" Neal nodded and was shocked when the woman hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much."

"It was no problem at all," he whispered, returning the hug gently. When she returned her focus to her son, Peter walked with Neal to retrieve Neal's gun, harness, and suit jacket. Neal slipped his suit jacket on, shivering a bit. He tucked his gun into his harness and held it out for Peter to take. The older man held it, knowing Neal was jittery enough at the moment. The last thing Neal wanted was a gun at the moment.

An ambulance arrived a few minutes later and Peter had the boy and his mother as well as Neal near it within moments of its arrival. He threw a blanket around Neal, staring into his eyes as he pulled it tighter around the younger man's body. The boy's mother wrapped her son up in another blanket, whispering how grateful she was that he was safe.

Peter reported what Neal told him to a few of the officers and a team was on their way to retrieve the bodies.

Neal sat on the ambulance, holding his head in his hand, breathing slowly. "Hey," Peter said quietly as he neared the younger man. "Neal?"

"I couldn't save them," he whispered. "I saw them and could do nothing."

Peter stood in front of Neal, stroking Neal's wet hair. "No one knew they were taken there, honey. No one could have saved them, so, please, don't blame yourself," he said softly. "You saved that little boy over there and he's so thankful for that."

Neal glanced at the boy and his mother, watching her fuss over him, telling him to stop unwrapping the blanket so he could stay warm. It made him smile. Peter noticed and glanced over, keeping his hand on his husband's head. "I did that," Neal said quietly.

"Yes. You did."

The boy's mother came over to them once her son finally stopped messing with the blanket. She held the suit jacket out and Peter lowered his hand from Neal's hair to take it from her. "I owe you so much," she said to Neal. "You risked your life by saving my baby." Neal shook his head and said he was doing what he knew he needed to do and she cut him off. "Please, let me repay you somehow. I can't just let you walk away without thanking you—I don't even know your name."

Neal gave her a small smile, holding his hand out. "Special Agent Neal Burke, ma'am," he said politely. "I—" He looked at Peter and corrected himself. "_We_ are fathers ourselves and we'd do the same for our son—we'd want someone to do the same if we weren't able to," he whispered. "Neither of us could imagine how we'd feel if our baby were in your son's place."

"The world needs more people like you," she said, awed. "Thank you, Special Agent Burke. Tell me what I can do to—"

"Love him unconditionally and protect him," he said softly, smiling at the boy. Returning his gaze to the mother, he nodded. "All I ask is that you keep doing what you're doing. You reported the incident immediately and that gave us time to get to your son. Thank you for being a good mom."

Peter and the mother watched as the boy came over, took Neal's hand, and dragged Neal back a little ways to talk to him. "You two are together?" the mother asked gently, looking up at Peter. Peter nodded, keeping his eyes on Neal. "He's a wonderful man. I wish Jamie's father were like your husband."

"Neal is a wonderful man," Peter whispered. "I've never seen him jump into action that quickly before and I've very proud of him. If he hadn't acted as quickly as he did, your son might not have had a chance." She nodded, laughing lightly when her son grabbed Neal's hand and put a rock into his palm.

"That's his way of thanking people," she said.

Peter smiled. "How old is he?"

"Eight."

He felt sick, thinking that little boy might have drowned if Neal weren't fast enough. "Our son is thirteen," he said quietly. "Neal will never let anything happen to a child if he's able to stop it."

"You don't find men like him every day," she whispered.

"No," he agreed. "You don't."

When the two came back to them, Neal was smiling, the rock still in his closed palm. "Agent Neal is awesome!" Neal chuckled, shaking his head. "He's like Aquaman, mom. He can swim really fast and breathe underwater!" Peter stared lovingly at his husband, knowing how this was hitting him. "He's a new superhero and I'm gonna make a comic about him."

Neal encouraged the little boy's imagination. "Oh? What's my superhero name?"

Jamie paused to think about it. "King Aqua!" Neal laughed and nodded. "Do you like it?"

"Oh, yeah. I'll have to tell my son and have him call me that when I tell him to take a bath," he said, grinning.

"His name is Prince Aqua!" All three of the adults laughed that time. Peter walked over to Neal, wrapping an arm around him. Jamie stared at Peter really hard. "You can't be King Aqua because he's King Aqua and you can't be Queen Aqua…" Peter smiled at the boy.

Jamie was trying really hard to think of a superhero name for Peter and Peter found it really amusing. "How about King Aqua's husband? I think that's a decent name."

"It's so long," the boy whined. "King Peteraqua." Peter raised an eyebrow at the boy. "He said your name is Peter. You guys live underwater, so you need aqua in your name."

Peter chuckled, kissing Neal's temple. "I like it," he said quietly.

Peter and Neal hurried them out of the area after all of the thanks from the mother and Jamie once the retrieval team was on the scene and they themselves left. Neal didn't think he could handle any more of it. By the time they were leaving, it was time to get Nicky from school, so they'd head right over to pick him up. Neal was driving and Peter couldn't take his eyes off of him. At a red light, Neal glanced over. "What?" he asked.

"I'm so in love with you," he whispered, "and very proud of the man you are."

Neal blushed, taking off when the light turned green. "I was just doing my job."

Peter rolled his eyes. "You're the man of the day, damn it. Don't sell yourself short here. You saved that little boy's life." Neal ducked his head, trying not to take too much pride in what he did. He didn't want to be the kind of guy who gets caught up in and blinded by his victories. "You—" He saw how Neal held the rock in his right hand and chuckled. "Look at you, you little brat." Neal raised an eyebrow. "You know damn well you did something amazing."

"It's what I would have wanted someone to do for my son if he were that little boy. I've told you before that I'll stop something if I'm able to."

Peter reached over and brushed his knuckles over Neal's cheek. "King Aqua saves the day," he said, adoration coloring his tone. Neal gave him a wry smile, knowing deep down that he was that little boy's hero.

•◊•

"And daddy leapt into the water to save him without giving it a second thought. He was truly amazing." Nicky giggled as Neal rolled his eyes. Neal was laying on his back on the couch, holding a book over himself to read. His legs were across Peter's lap and Peter's hands were rubbing them gently. "Daddy's a hero."

Nicky darted over to the couch his fathers were on and kissed Neal's forehead. "He's my hero before anyone else's," he said, sounding really jealous of the other boy. Neal closed his book and laid it on his stomach, smiling at his son.

Peter rubbed Neal's calves, looking at his husband lovingly. "I'll always be your hero," Neal promised Nicky. "Whenever you need me, I'll be right there."

A little while later, Nicky put a movie on for them all to watch. Neal's head was in Peter's lap and Nicky was lying between Neal and the back of the couch, his head on Neal's chest. Peter stroked Neal's hair, unable to take his eyes off of him. He always found a reason to love Neal more and rescuing Jamie was added to that list. Neal hummed along to the music playing in the movie and Peter chuckled when Nicky joined him.

He loved these two and he always found himself thinking he was so very lucky to have taken both of their hearts. Without Nicky's, he'd never have gotten Neal's. Neal said he was the lucky one, but Peter knew he had a lot he needed to prove and show when he started dating Neal. Nick was such a huge factor in their relationship and he was thrilled to see that everything was still the same after four years.

When the movie was over, Neal herded Nicky upstairs to have him brush his teeth and get ready for bed while he turned off the television and was heading out to the kitchen to grab a drink before heading to bed. Peter followed Nicky upstairs and went into his own bedroom to wait for Neal. Nicky came into the room after he'd finished brushing his teeth and jumped on the big bed and Peter wondered why Neal wasn't upstairs yet.

Just as he was considering sliding out of bed, Neal came in. "'Bout time you got up here, dad."

Neal smiled wryly at his son. "Shouldn't you be in _your_ bed?" Nicky giggled. "Say good night to poppa, silly kid."

Nicky moved over towards Peter and pecked his lips, grinning when he said, "Good night, poppa."

"Good night, Nicky."

Nicky slid off of the bed and realized Neal wasn't looking for a good night kiss. He grabbed his dad's arm and pulled him down to give him a kiss anyway. Neal chuckled. "Good night, daddy."

"Night night, baby," he whispered, watching his son leave the room.

"You gonna say good night to poppa, too?" Peter winked at him.

Neal raised an eyebrow, amused. "Only if he tires me out first." Neal shut the door and Peter slid off of the bed. They both undressed themselves before crawling into bed together. "Hey, there's a Yankees game on tonight, right?" Peter stared at him, wondering how Neal knew that since he had no interest in the sport whatsoever. "Don't look at me like I've grown a second head," he muttered. "Do you want to watch it?"

"If you promise you'll behave this time." Neal grinned and flopped down onto the pillows, reaching over to hand the remote to Peter. The older man turned the game on and tugged on Neal's arm until Neal conceded and curled up against him, mostly lying on top of him. "What made you want to watch the game?"

Neal glanced up at him. "Um, unless my husband hates baseball now, I kind of figured he'd want to watch it."

"Smartass."

The younger man laughed. "I'm serious. I have a schedule for the games on my phone and I realized one was on tonight, so… I asked if you'd like to watch it." Peter rubbed Neal's arm, smiling at him. "I try to pay attention to stuff like that. I may not watch the game entirely, but I try to look out for things you like. Baseball is your thing, so… I've made it our thing."

Peter tangled his fingers in his husband's hair. "That's really sweet of you. I'll find a gay reality show for you to watch." Neal smacked his chest and pushed himself up, laughing.

"You are _such_ a dick!" He kept laughing and Peter smiled up at him. "I flip to a reality show one time…" He rolled over and Peter knew he was just messing around. Neal pretended to pout while smiling to himself.

The older man spooned him, kissing his shoulder. "Awe, baby. I didn't mean to insult your poor taste of television." Peter smiled when Neal twisted around to kiss him. "Silly man."

Neal chuckled. "You're lucky I'm not into reality shows. They're so stupid." Peter nodded, kissing the younger man. "I've got enough of a reality show here in my own home. I don't think I could sit through an actual show."

Peter mock-gasped. "You found out I'm sleeping with your brother? Shit!"

Neal gave him a wry smile. "You're an ass." He kissed Peter again, murmuring, "I'm sleeping with your sister," against his lips. Peter laughed and rolled onto his back, pulling Neal with him. "Mike likes you, but he doesn't like you _that_ much, babe. I know my family well enough."

"Are you saying you're the only man capable of making another man bi-curious?" Neal raised an eyebrow and Peter sighed contentedly. "I love you—I love _that._ It's nice to mess around with you."

Neal smiled as they both fixed the bed up since they'd been rolling all over it. They curled up together and finally started watching the game. "If you ever sleep with my brother, I will murder you, Peter Michael Burke."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Ew. I would not sleep with your brother. He's, like, twenty years younger than me." Peter paused. "He _is_ twenty years younger than me."

"Hence the reason I would kill you."

The older man kissed Neal's forehead. "I've only got one beautiful man on my mind at all times and he's sharing a bed with me right now." He slid his hand down Neal's back, smiling down at his husband. "A bed and his heart."

Neal looked up at him, returning the smile. "We'll always share a bed and you know you'll always have my heart, love," he whispered. "I love you with all of it."

Peter rubbed Neal's warm back, leaning his head against Neal's. Neal placed his hand over Peter's heart, moving his fingers idly over his husband's bare chest every now and then. Neal started asking Peter a few questions as the baseball game progressed and Peter loved him for trying to get into it, for trying to understand one thing Peter grew up loving. He found Neal really adorable when Neal recognized errors the announcers were making because Neal started yelling at the television just like Peter always did. Peter couldn't even yell at the screen because he was too caught up in adoring his husband.

When Neal relaxed, Peter rubbed his shoulder. "You're so cute," he whispered. "And really sexy. I like when you're all fired up like that." Neal gave him a wry smile, laying his head on Peter's chest to continue watching the game with him. He was starting to understand the game a little more and he felt a little closer to Peter since he'd finally opened himself up to the sport Peter fell in love with as a kid.


	7. Chapter 7

Neal was moving things around in the living room, cleaning up after his husband and son who'd played very hard on the Wii the previous night and left quite the mess. "So, did Peter ask you to babysit me?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder. Mozzie was sitting on their couch, sipping wine from the stash _only_ he and Peter were supposed to know about.

"No one _asks_ me to do anything," the older man muttered. "I came because I thought you might want some company."

Neal rolled his eyes and smiled wryly. "Uh huh. I know Peter can't lie directly to my face, so I'll get the answers I'm looking for when he comes back home." Mozzie crossed his arms, sitting defiantly on the couch. Neal fixed the blankets and pillows.

Mozzie just watched his best friend, amused by how domesticated he was. "Quite the housemaid, I see." Neal raised an eyebrow, standing upright with his hands on his hips. "Has Suit gotten you an outfit to go along with your household duties?"

The younger man lowered the waistband of his sweatpants just enough to reveal his lacy lingerie. Mozzie looked at him, stunned. "If this counts as an outfit, then yes." He smirked when Mozzie's face flushed. "Still a prude." There was no further comment on that and Neal felt like he'd earned himself a victory. He fixed his pants and went about picking up Peter's papers that were lying all over the table.

There was a long silence as Mozzie observed Neal. He'd been talking to Neal off and on, but he'd spoken to Peter more often than not. Neal wouldn't usually tell him if he weren't feeling up to par, but he'd always get the truth from Neal's husband. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Neal cringe while he was walking. "Did the Suits host the Olympics in bed last night?" Neal glared at him. "Looks like he went downhill rapidly."

"Sometimes I really, _really_ wonder how we're still friends after all this time," Neal deadpanned. Mozzie only smiled. "I feel good when I'm with him," he whispered after a few minutes. Mozzie's attention flew back to his friend who kept moving about the room, eventually taking his compulsive cleaning to the dining room next. "I know you know about the flashbacks because Peter told you. I've been afraid to be alone, but I feel safe with Peter. Even when we're in bed, I don't even think about _them._ It's just me and Peter."

Mozzie got up and followed Neal into the dining room. He was surprised that Neal was opening up to him. "That's great, Neal. I'm assuming that's a huge improvement in the bedroom activities?" Neal sighed and Mozzie decided to tone his teasing down a bit. "Before, you and Suit weren't very comfortable in the bedroom?"

Neal rubbed his eye and Mozzie wondered if he'd upset his friend. "It's not really that I was uncomfortable with him. I loved him then as much as I love him now, but it was difficult not to think about Craig and Vincent." He finally stopped and put his hands on the back of Peter's dining room chair, bowing his head. "Honestly, I was scared to be alone with another man for at least five years following the day I ran away from home. For me to bounce back from Craig the way I have, I think it's really… I think I'm a little stronger now than I was when I was a teenager heading into my twenties." Mozzie nodded and noticed when Neal's lips trembled for a few moments. He had the sudden urge to get Peter on the phone. "It's strange to think that it'll be three years in May."

"You're keeping track of how much time has passed?"

"It's hard to forget," Neal whispered, glancing warily at his friend. "Vincent raped me on April twenty-first—a month after my thirteenth birthday—in nineteen-ninety. Nicky was born February twenty-seventh in two thousand. Peter and I started dating August twenty-eighth of oh-nine. Craig raped me on the…seventeenth, I believe, of May in twenty-ten. Peter and I were married on August twenty-eighth of twenty-eleven." Mozzie stared at him, horrified. He expected Neal to remember the dates relevant to his and Peter's relationship and _obviously_ his son's birthday, but he didn't realize Neal remembered the dates when he'd initially been raped both times as well. Neal noticed the look Mozzie was giving him and blinked rapidly, shaking his head. "Sorry. Sorry. I'll… I'm gonna go clean the kitchen." He darted off towards the kitchen and Mozzie felt bad.

Neal hadn't let him into this part of his life very much, so he didn't know what to do for Neal. Peter knew how to help him more than anyone did. Following him tentatively, he asked, "Should I call Peter?"

Neal spun, looking confused. "What? No. Moz, I'm good." Mozzie looked skeptical and Neal forced a laugh. "I'm fine, Mozzie."

"If you're having a panic attack, I need to get Peter on the phone." The younger man just stared at him. Part of him was grateful that Mozzie would call Peter if there were an issue, but the other part was aggravated by the fact that Mozzie assumed he was having a panic attack. "Neal, you need to tell me if Peter should be here. He isn't that far away."

"I know where Peter is," Neal muttered, turning away from Mozzie. He hunched over the sink in the kitchen and stared at the tiled wall. "I'm not having a panic attack. I'm fine and Peter doesn't need to be here. He's busy."

Mozzie snorted. "He'd jump off a cliff while bleeding to death if you needed him."

"That _isn't_ funny," Neal snapped, leaving the kitchen to head back to the living room. Mozzie was stunned by the sudden hostility. He trailed after Neal, watching the younger man from afar. "Tell me honestly if Peter asked you to come over."

Mozzie's eyes darted away from Neal's as Neal turned to face him. "He did."

"Go home, Moz. I'm gonna take a nap since it's quiet." Mozzie protested and was trying to tell Neal that he wanted to spend the afternoon with him as Neal started heading upstairs, but Neal snapped, "I said go home!" Mozzie stared at him in silence. "I don't need a watchdog or a babysitter. I'm thirty-six, Mozzie. I can handle myself—I'll see you later." He trudged upstairs and didn't wait to see if Mozzie left him alone. He went straight to his bedroom and slammed the door. "Wow. How God damn mature," he muttered to himself. "Thirty-six and slamming doors like a thirteen year old." He loves Peter for caring about him and worrying, but he was pissed that Peter didn't think he could handle a couple hours by himself.

He holed himself up in the bedroom for two hours, ignoring the text messages that kept coming in on his phone. He knew they were from Peter and he really wasn't in the mood to say anything pleasant to his husband, so he chose to say nothing at all. The television was muted and he was irritated overall.

When his phone began to ring, he groaned and reached over for it, answering. "_Hon? Are you okay? I've been trying to get a hold of you for the last hour and a half._"

"I'm fine."

There was a long pause. "_What did I do?_"

Neal wasn't sure if he felt like going off on Peter or not. He knew Peter asked Mozzie to come over to protect him in case something happened, but he also inferred that Peter thought he was weak from that. Peter always said he wasn't weak, but he'd called on Mozzie to watch over him for an afternoon. "You know what you did," Neal whispered.

Another long pause. "_Neal, I only did it because I love you. I'm not going to apologize for that._"

Neal closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. "Whatever, Peter."

"_Honey, I'm only sorry for upsetting you, but I'm worried about you. As your husband, I'm supposed to worry about you._"

"Am I so incapable of being alone that you—?"

"_You've said it yourself: you're afraid to be alone._" Neal frowned, hating him for being right because he _did_ say that. "_If I didn't give a damn about you, I would've left you there without a second thought. I love you so much it hurts, Neal. I didn't want you to be alone and I still don't._" Neal just breathed quietly, feeling miserable all of a sudden. He didn't blame Peter. If anything, he'd made himself miserable by avoiding Peter. "_You're my husband, my soulmate. Damn it, Neal._"

"Thank you," Neal whispered, feeling like he was about to cry now. "I'm sorry. You're just doing what you think is best and I shouldn't bitch at you for that."

Peter sighed heavily. "_Just tell me, honestly, how you're doing. Are you okay, baby?_"

Neal shook his head before realizing Peter wasn't there to see him. "I'm not feeling all that great. I yelled at Mozzie and I think I made him feel really awkward. He'll probably never want to be around me again."

The older man was very confused. Mozzie called him earlier to tell him that Neal was acting strange and hostile, but he hadn't given the reasons or any kind of explanation. Instead, Mozzie was as cryptic and obtuse as always. "_What do you mean?_" There was a very long pause this time and Neal felt really guilty. He wondered how Peter would react. Would he look disturbed like Mozzie did? He was emotionally scarred by his rapes, so the dates in which they'd happened were etched into his memory as though scars had been burnt into his skin. Peter always understood to an extent, but he might think Neal was truly insane for keeping track of how long it's been since the initial rape. "_Angel?_"

He opened his eyes and his vision became a watery blur. He tried to act normal as he spoke, but his heart was aching. "I was talking about things with him. I really don't feel good right now, Peter. I don't want to talk about it."

Peter hushed him gently. "_That's fine, honey. Do you want me to come home?_"

Neal debated on asking him if he could or just telling Peter to finish up what he was doing. He'd love it if Peter came home to be with him. Nicky was out with Trenton for a little while, so he was alone in the house after kicking Mozzie out. "If you're busy, finish up," he finally said.

"_Baby, I'm pretty much done at this point. I can come home._"

Neal rubbed his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks. "Okay."

Peter whispered, "_Are you crying?_"

"No," he snapped, shutting his eyes tightly. He buried his right palm against his eye and clutched the phone tighter in his left hand. He didn't know what his problem was. It wasn't like he was having a flashback. He was just sitting on his bed while on the phone with his husband and he felt really emotional all of a sudden. His chest hurt. Neal could hear a car door open and close and then a car started up. "Damn it, Peter. Just finish what you're doing. I'm fine," he said miserably, unable to cover his crying that time.

Peter spoke softly as he put the phone on speaker and set his phone down in Neal's seat so he could talk to Neal while driving without disconnecting the call. "_Honey, I'm done. I'm on my way home now._" Neal shook his head, hating himself. He hasn't felt this horrible since the day he'd temporarily given his engagement ring back to Peter. "_You don't sound like you're having a panic attack. Neal, do you know—?_"

"I'm just being my emotionally unstable self," he said tightly. "I'm sorry. Peter, just… Don't come home, please. I'm so tired of acting this way. I hated it before and I hate it even more now. The last thing you need right now is for me to fall apart."

"_Don't you_ dare _talk that way. You know I love you to death. I'd do anything for you and I've promised you repeatedly over the last four years that I'm not going anywhere, that I'll always be with you._" Neal wanted to throw his phone. Peter was still too damn good for him and Peter deserved a hell of a lot better. "_Neal, I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. After four years, I'd hoped you'd learn by now that I'm not leaving you._"

Neal acted impulsively and hung up on Peter. He didn't even know why he did it. He just didn't want Peter to hear him fall apart for no reason. Peter was at least fifteen minutes away. He palmed his eyes and sobbed shakily. The ache in his chest was worse now.

Just as he thought he was going crazy because he wasn't having any flashbacks or even thoughts related to Vincent or Craig, they came on so suddenly and overwhelmed him. He could see everyone who'd ever been involved in what happened: Vincent, his mother, Garrett, Craig, and even Craig's lackeys. He could see his mother standing there, watching as all of the men viscously attacked him. He screamed, feeling the pain building up. Part of him knew there was no real pain, but he was inflicting it on himself. He didn't realize he was tearing at his own skin even as he backed himself into a corner—one of the worst things he could do to himself.

He started to panic then and got on his hands and knees, frantically crawling away from his corner. He desperately tried to get into the bathroom in the hopes of evading all of those men and his mother's bitter gaze. He gasped in agony, feeling like flames were licking his skin. He kept struggling, trying to get into the bathroom, but he couldn't make it.

His own screams went unheard. He knew he was screaming, but he couldn't hear himself. He heard bitter laughter and threats aimed at his husband and his son. Hell, even the threats aimed at his mother hurt him. She didn't try to help him even now. There had to be at least five or six men attacking him, ripping him apart, and she watched—just let it happen. "Stop!" he screamed, begging as he sobbed. He tried to push himself up and managed to get onto his knees. He crashed against Peter's dresser in their bedroom and gasped in pain.

Twisting around, he opened his dresser drawers and started frantically throwing whatever he could grab at people who weren't even in the room with him. Somehow, he'd tripped himself while backing away and he'd ended up on his back, staring at the ceiling. His throat felt dry and tight. His eyes kept watering and he tried to move.

There was a very sudden and very loud sound as a door hit a wall and he screamed in terror, remembering when Vincent would come into his bedroom and wake him up if he'd managed to get to sleep, remembering when Craig came through the door to abuse him in every possible way that he could imagine.

He managed to sit up and started backing away in fear. When he was lifted and held in someone's arms, he kept screaming, begging to be let go. He couldn't understand the muffled voice and he didn't try to. He decided to give up, knowing he couldn't get away from them in the end and he wound up blacking out.

•◊•

Peter stared at his husband. He'd considered calling nine-one-one, but he knew Neal wasn't in need of medical attention. Neal hurt himself and Peter didn't know what exactly he'd done it with, but he'd managed to cut his lip and forearms as well as bruise his abdomen, upper right arm, thighs, hips, and his right cheek. When Neal went unconscious, Peter's heart nearly stopped due to how concerned he was about the man he loved more than anything. He'd panicked as he raced across the city to get home after Neal hung up on him and walking into the house to hear Neal screaming hadn't been very pleasant. It was extremely nerve-wracking and he didn't understand what happened.

He'd undressed Neal on their bed to see how much damage he'd caused himself and there was very little blood, fortunately. He got up from the bed and went into their bathroom, stepping over all of the clothing Neal had thrown. He wet a washcloth with warm water and wrung it out until it stopped dripping and then he returned to the bedroom.

Sitting beside Neal on the bed, he rubbed Neal's face, neck, chest, arms, and legs down. He was covered in a layer of sweat from stressing himself out and the most Peter could do to help him was clean him up a bit. He carefully redressed Neal in one of his own shirts since they were slightly oversized on Neal and he grabbed Neal's loose sweatpants. Once Neal was dressed, he breathed shakily. He had no idea how to explain this. He'd _never_ seen Neal physically try to escape something that wasn't real on such an extreme level. Looking around the room told him that Neal crawled across the floor as though he were in real pain and couldn't force himself to stand.

There was nothing else he could do for Neal at the moment but wait for him to wake up. He thought about watching some television to pass the time, but he was far too concerned to even take his eyes off of Neal. He was so glad Nicky hadn't been around to see what Neal went through because Nicky would have been terrified and that would have made things a hell of a lot worse for Neal later on. Nicky wouldn't have known what to do. Peter didn't even know what to do. He'd come into their bedroom to find an absolute disaster and his husband in a state of extreme emotional distress.

He laid next to Neal, staring at Neal's face. He wanted Neal to be all right. He needed to understand what brought all of this on in order to help Neal, but he'd learned that Neal needed time before he could open up properly. If Peter asked him about it moments after everything happened, Neal would respond differently. He remembered the night he'd been listening to the recording between Fowler and Craig when Neal called him and seemed strange on the phone. Going home to find his lover curled up on the terrace in the pouring rain was strange. How Neal reacted after he'd smashed their bathroom mirror wasn't what Peter expected. Neal distanced himself from Peter and laid in bed silently until he'd finally gotten too tired to attempt to stay awake.

This was worse than that…

After half an hour, Neal seemed like he was beginning to stir and Peter sat up a little, holding himself up on his arm. Neal groaned and his left hand flew up to hold his head. Peter's eyes followed each movement Neal made raptly. He didn't want to miss a thing because he wanted to help Neal through this—whatever _this_ was. Neal slowly opened his eyes and looked up at Peter, looking confused and disoriented. Peter suddenly cursed himself for being selfish. He hadn't even thought about cleaning up the room. It was still in complete disarray and he knew Neal would remember everything that happened once he looked around their bedroom. "Hey," Peter said softly, giving him a small smile.

"Peter," he whispered, his eyes immediately beginning to water. Peter's lips parted and he was more concerned than reassuring at the moment. Neal blinked quickly, gasping for breath. "They're here. Peter, please…" He turned quickly onto his side and buried his face into the crook of Peter's neck. "Please…" he begged. Peter held him gently even as Neal clutched him tighter.

He didn't move or say anything for a little while. He just held his husband and listened to him breathe, wishing he could take all of Neal's pain away. When Neal started to stutter out apologies and explanations, Peter hushed him and whispered, "Baby, relax. You don't need to talk about it right now. Just… Just take it easy, honey. I'm right here and I'm going to stay right here." He stroked Neal's hair slowly, glancing at Neal's hands as they rubbed his sides. Neal was trying to ground himself in the present, Peter realized. He knew Peter's body and that seemed to help. When Neal put a little space between them and slid his shirt up a bit, he didn't stop him. Neal's hand roamed over Peter's abdomen, sliding up to his chest. Peter just kept his eyes on Neal. The younger man looked intent on what he was doing. Closing his eyes while resting his palm above Peter's warm chest, he could feel Peter's scar. When he'd been shot, they'd opened him up and the scar was still there after two years. Neal knew it now after spending so many nights touching or kissing it.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Neal whispered, opening his eyes to look up tearfully at Peter.

Peter shook his head. "Nothing, honey. Nothing's wrong with you." He kissed Neal's forehead. "I don't know how to explain this to you because I don't even know what happened, angel. I just want to make sure you're okay now."

"I don't know if I'm okay," Neal whispered. "Peter, they were here. I swear I felt them. I heard them."

The older man nodded. He'd never tell Neal that he was insane because he was seeing and hearing things that weren't there. He hadn't been raped or abused like Neal had been, so he didn't understand the emotional and mental trauma that coupled with the physical pain. Peter understood parts of Neal's trauma, but he'd never know how Neal felt because he'd never experienced that level of pain before. The most he could do was remind Neal that he was safe, that he was loved, and that he would never be at fault for what happened. If he could help Neal that way, then he'd do the best he could and then some. "They're gone now," Peter whispered, stroking Neal's hair. "They can't hurt you anymore." Neal never understood how Peter could just go along with his insanity, but he knew no one else would ever stay with him through it all. No one could ever love him this much.

Neal glanced down at himself and was horrified at first, then he calmed down a bit when he looked up at his husband. "Did you change my clothes?" he asked, his voice sounding so small for a grown man.

"Yes," Peter said, staring into Neal's eyes. "You… You're bruised a bit, hon. I wanted to make sure you weren't hurt too badly."

Neal relaxed a little and Peter was surprised that Neal wasn't screaming in terror while accusing Peter of raping him when he was unaware. "How bad did I hurt myself?"

Peter rested his hand on Neal's chest. "There are a few bruises here and there on your arms, thighs, and midsection. Your cheek seems to like being bruised." He gave Neal a small smile, hoping the failure of a joke would help Neal calm down a little more. When Neal returned the smile, he knew it worked somehow. "You cut your lip and I… I was too afraid to look at your back." Neal gave him a look of confusion. "Honey, I was worried about scaring you…" he said quietly. Neal understood and nodded. "I don't want you to—"

"I will never think you're taking advantage of me," Neal said firmly. "Never again." He waited until Peter nodded before continuing. "I trust you with my life, my body, my heart, and my son. You earned that trust, Peter. I know you'll never hurt me." Peter kissed Neal's lips carefully, trying not to hurt him. When they parted, Neal met Peter's gaze. "Can you check my back, please? It…kind of hurts. I don't know what I did to it."

Peter scooted back a bit on the bed and let Neal roll over onto his stomach. He sat up and carefully as well as cautiously slid Neal's shirt up a bit to look at his skin. There was a gash near his left shoulder blade that concerned him and bruising near Neal's lower back. "It isn't as bad as I was telling myself it was," he said quietly. He fixed Neal's shirt and backed away. Neal just stayed put, staring up at Peter silently. Peter had no idea what he'd done, but he felt like he'd fucked up and scared the hell out of Neal suddenly.

He was about to get off of the bed, but Neal's hand flew out and touched his knee. "Don't leave," Neal pleaded. Peter nodded and relaxed into his initial position, lying beside Neal as Neal flipped over to lay on his side. "Peter, I want to know what you're thinking…and how you're feeling." Peter's brows furrowed. "I need you to open up to me," he whispered. "I don't want you to close up because you think you need to be silent to help me. Please, Peter, talk to me."

The older man nodded and rested his hand between Neal's neck and shoulder. "I'm admittedly very concerned about you, angel. I was terrified when I came in and found you in the state you were in," he said slowly. Neal didn't look like he felt extremely guilty. If anything, he looked like he wanted to understand Peter's thoughts. "You scared me when you hung up on me and I thought someone broke in when I…when I heard you scream."

"Do you think you'll ever get so scared that you'll leave?"

Peter shook his head. "Never—not in a million years. I love you far too much to leave." He rubbed Neal's jaw gently. "You scare me when I don't know what to do to help you, but I want you in my life, Neal. I…" Peter looked like he wanted to shut up because he was getting extremely emotional all of a sudden, but Neal was encouraging it and he knew he could let his walls down with Neal. After all, Neal left himself vulnerable so many times in Peter's presence. Neal would never mistreat him for becoming vulnerable. Neal truly loves him—their love runs deep into their souls and he knew they would suffer if they split up, so he hoped to God he never fucked up enough to make Neal run away from him. "I'm afraid to live without you," he finally admitted. "I'm scared when I think about how my life could be without you in it, Neal, because I feel so empty and cold. You give me life and warmth and I know I'm loved. If I lost you, I wouldn't even be alive anymore."

Neal looked a little surprised by Peter's extreme and sincere honesty. "I mean that much to you?"

"God, yes," Peter breathed. "You mean so much to me. I can't even put into words how much you mean to me because…because you're my soulmate." He kissed Neal fiercely. "If I didn't wake up to you or go to sleep beside you every day, I would never know true happiness." Neal looked like he actually believed what Peter was telling him and Peter was relieved. "I know we were made for each other," he whispered. "I'm here to give you pieces of myself to help you become as strong as you think you need to be. _You_ are meant to show me how my life should be. Without you, I don't know if I ever would have come out of the closet, Neal, and I'd be miserable. I love you more than I can ever tell you. I… Neal, I need you in my life. I truly need you in my life because you make my life worth living." Neal's eyes lit up a bit and that made butterflies flutter in Peter's stomach. "You've given me family and unconditional love. I have a husband and I never thought I'd be able to say that in my lifetime because I was too afraid of who I was. I have a son who loves me as much as he loves you. Neal, you let me into your life and I feel like I was one of the bigger missing pieces to your puzzle—if that sounds even remotely like a decent analogy."

Neal smiled and lifted his hand to caress Peter's jaw. "I love you so much," he whispered, "and I'm so thankful to have met you." Peter kissed Neal's index finger when it passed over his lips. "There's no one else in this world who could put up with me day in and day out. Nicky can't help it because, before you, I was his only legal guardian and he has to live with me, but I wasn't visibly insane around him." Peter sighed and Neal eased up a bit. "You married me, Peter. We have rings that prove we're in love and that we belong together. I've said no to marriage before, but it felt so right when you asked me. There was no way I could say no to you—nor will I ever be able to say that to you."

Peter smiled weakly at him. "I'm lucky to have a man as beautiful inside and out as you," he whispered. "El and I married out of convenience. Neal, I asked you to marry me because you're the only man I want to spend forever with. I don't give a damn about all of the millions of other men out there I could've been with." He pushed himself up and leaned over Neal, kissing him passionately. "Fuck all of those other men. You're the only one for me, Neal. You came with your own set of flaws and issues and I brought mine in as well. If we weren't meant to be together, we wouldn't have tried to work through things. I've messed up a lot—"

"So have I."

"—and I find myself reflecting on that occasionally. You forgave me for things I didn't deserve to be forgiven for. A man who doesn't love me wouldn't have let me into bed with him after I read his journal nor would he have taken his engagement ring back from me."

Neal nodded slowly. "You're human," Neal whispered. "You don't try to act like you're hot shit and I like that. You're strong and you know that, but you don't flaunt it. I've always said that you use your strength to protect me and I stand by that."

"And _you_ are human," Peter countered. "What you're feeling, everything you're going through… That's not something you need to be embarrassed about. I've dealt with you while you were drunk and pissed off with me. I've seen you fall apart, cry until you sobbed, and I've also seen you smile and laugh freely." Neal smiled a bit. "I think I've seen you in every possible situation, Neal, and I love you. I have never for one moment stopped loving you. Even when I accused you of cheating on me, I couldn't make myself stop." Neal tentatively shifted a bit and Peter realized what he was trying to do. He pulled Neal on top of him and held him. "You're one in a million. You've been through so much and you have every possible reason to never trust another man again, but you never once told me I needed to leave because you couldn't handle a relationship. I know you struggled to balance your emotions and us, but you put effort into it. You came to me and we worked through it."

Neal whispered, "I've never felt like I could be…me. I always tried so hard to be normal and my relationships always failed because I tried too hard to be someone I'm not. I…tried to hide my past from you, but I felt a connection to you and it told me I needed you to know." He was tearing up as he kissed Peter. "I couldn't trust anyone with that. I couldn't tell them I was raped and expect them to stay. I didn't expect you to stay, but you're a different kind of man. You're Peter Michael Burke. You're the only you you'll ever be consistently."

"Cute," Peter said, teasing him.

Neal laughed and rubbed his eyes. "Before you, I don't think I could have pulled myself through my flashbacks. I couldn't actually. I…suffered in silence. I did what I could for Nicky and I wanted Mozzie to stay with me because I was afraid of ending up alone." Peter knew this. "When Matthew broke my heart and disgusted me to the point where I actually got sick, I thought I'd never love anyone again. He's my step-brother and he knew that all that time that we were together. He abused and exploited my feelings to appease his father." Peter stroked Neal's cheek gently. "If I'd let myself fall apart even for a second, he'd have called me a nutcase, more than likely beaten me, and walked out without looking back. He would've left me alone and he did anyway. Since then, I was afraid to trust another man. Then I met you. I think there was a part of me that didn't want to trust you, but I wanted to try. I…needed someone to love me and I needed to love someone. I didn't want to die alone, Peter."

Peter whispered, "I can relate." If he'd never gotten out of his first marriage, he would have felt as though he'd died alone. "You came to me in pieces and I've worked with you. I'm never going to say I'm trying to fix you because you aren't broken. I'm trying to heal what was damaged before I came into your life and I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not…"

"You are," Neal said sincerely. "I'm the living proof—emphasis on _living._" Peter gave him a wry smile. "You gave me hope, Peter. You gave me a chance."

"Because you were and still are so worth it," Peter said, letting tears slide down the sides of his face. "I can't imagine walking away from you—from this. I love you and Nicky and we're in the process of adopting a baby together. You're my husband, my love, my best friend." He stroked the side of Neal's face softly and gave him a small smile. "Walking away from all that you and I have built together would destroy me."

Neal nodded, his own tears starting up. "I always thought my mind would destroy me, Peter, and I still think it could, but I know that I'd be destroyed if I lost you and all of this." Neal tried to wipe Peter's tears away. "When you came in and found me the way you did, I truly believed what I was seeing and hearing. I thought they were raping me all over again and I felt helpless even as I tried to get away." He sniffled a bit, using the back of his hand to wipe his face off. "I don't know why the freak-out was so…drastic. We were talking and then I was bombarded with thoughts and flashbacks that transferred to myself in the present."

"Do you think it might've been brought on by talking about things with Mozzie?"

Neal's eyes met Peter's directly. "Probably… We were talking about you and me. I…brought up the fact that I've bounced back from what Craig did to me much faster than I did after Vincent. I told him it was strange that it'll have been three years in May since Craig raped me and the look he gave me…" Peter felt slightly angry with Mozzie. He knew Neal was sensitive and always told Peter that Peter needed to be more considerate. "I felt like a freak. I'm keeping track of the days they raped me among other things. He…looked at me like I'm a freak."

Peter kissed him. "He doesn't understand, Neal."

"Do you?"

The question was very sudden and Peter felt like he knew, but saying that Neal was traumatized would be obvious. "You'll never forget them because of the pain—the hell you went through. You survived three years of Vincent's perversion and—thank God—you only had to survive a week with Craig. I can't imagine how you would be right now if you'd been there longer."

Neal nodded, smiling sadly. "How is it that you understand when he doesn't?"

"You're my husband. I've tried with all of my might to understand you in every way. I've never been raped nor have I been abused, but I saw what those monsters did to you." He laid Neal down onto his back on the mattress and then hovered above Neal, kissing him lovingly. Neal's eyes closed and his fingers tangled themselves in Peter's hair. His left hand slid down to Peter's shoulder. Neal truly appreciated that Peter was being open with him about this because he never really talked about how _Peter_ felt. Peter always helped him get through his problems. Neal was beginning to realize how much he was affecting his husband and he refused to let Peter go on without being able to speak his own mind and let his own feelings out. Peter was always such a mystery when Neal really thought about it. He knew his husband, but he didn't know what Peter was keeping to himself.

Peter's a very resilient man, but that doesn't mean Peter has to keep his thoughts and emotions in. If he kept doing that, he'd become Pandora's Box. Neal wanted to get him to open up before reaching that point. "Peter," he whispered, sliding his lips away from Peter's for a moment. Peter made a sound of acknowledgement. "Promise me you'll talk to me about _you_ more. Please."

"Like my thoughts and stuff?" Neal nodded, opening his eyes. "I promise, baby."

"Don't give me the spotlight all the time," he said quietly. "This relationship isn't just _me._ This is _us_ and that means _you_ need to communicate with me as much as I communicate with you. This…long conversation we've had was good. I never give you any consideration and you deserve it."

Peter sighed. "I was never hurt or—"

"You're still human. You're a man who feels strongly, but he keeps it tucked into his suit jacket pocket." Peter smiled, kissing the corner of Neal's mouth. He kept his eyes closed. "It's unfair to you if I drone on and on about my terrors and issues. I know they're important to you, so I tell you, but I don't think you realize that your life and all that you have to say about it is important to me."

Peter opened his eyes then, staring into Neal's. "I won't close up anymore," he promised. "I'll tell you how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it instead of telling you months or years down the road." Neal smiled at him and Peter couldn't help running his fingers over Neal's lips. He treasured Neal's smiles. "We're husbands. If this marriage is going to work, then you're right; I need to talk to you, too. I don't think about myself very much, but that's only because I love you."

"And I love you," Neal whispered, "so let me in."

The older man nodded and their eyes slid to a close as they kissed again. Peter whispered, "I promise," when their lips parted for a moment and then he returned to the kiss. Neal was right, he believed. Peter never realized how much he'd been holding back from Neal until Neal asked him to speak. He knew he didn't have to wait for Neal to ask him about it, but he always thought Neal was too stressed to deal with petty Peter problems. Talking to Neal now, he realized he was wrong. Neal wanted to know. He'd had a severe panic attack and Peter was terrified when he saw how animalistic Neal was acting while he was trying to escape his demons. Neal needed to hear how Peter felt and Peter knew that it helped Neal.

Telling Neal that they were destined for forever was one thing he needed to keep planting into his husband's thoughts. Neal needed to stop being so afraid of Peter leaving him because Peter would never leave him. Now that Peter thought about it, maybe Neal was always afraid of him leaving because he didn't know what Peter was thinking. He didn't ask Neal to confirm or deny that. He decided he'd take the initiative and open himself as much as Neal always has. He trusts Neal and knows Neal is sensitive enough to feel what Peter will be feeling. Neal will take care of him in almost all of the same ways Peter cares for Neal. Neal needed help quelling his demons, but he realized that Neal also needed him for all that he is, thoughts and all. He wouldn't let Neal go on thinking Peter's going to leave at any given moment. He'll tell Neal everything from now on if only to show Neal he's devoted to him.


	8. Chapter 8

Tara rubbed Neal's hand as they sat beside each other on the floor of Neal's bedroom. He was doing the laundry this morning and he decided it was time for a break. She gave him a small smile when he looked at her. He returned it and pecked her cheek. "Thanks for coming over. It's been a while since we've hung out."

She giggled. "Well, that happens when you get pregnant," she said, gesturing down at her stomach. "I've been spending all of my time with Declan and I know you've been with Peter." He raised an eyebrow. "You two made facebook pages and neither of you use them. All you both did was update your relationship statuses so everyone knows you're married to each other. _You_ only use it to post pictures of Nicky and you have like ten friends."

"I have everyone's phone numbers, so I send text messages. Peter really doesn't care for facebook and Mozzie will never join it." He chuckled. "I'm proud of my son and my marriage, so that's pretty much all I have to say about my life. I'm not all that interesting."

She wiggled her eyebrows at him. "You could post sexy pictures of yourself. That shirt is too constrictive and your body is just gorgeous, especially in lace from what I've been told."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah. All I need is for the FBI to see that I wear lingerie for my husband." She raised an eyebrow. "I'm friends with Diana, Jones, and Reese. A couple of the probies added me, too. I'd probably lose my job."

"You haven't yet!"

"And I'd like to keep it that way," he said, laughing. "Peter thinks I look sexy. That's all I need and his eyes are the only ones I'd like to flaunt my lingerie in front of."

A deep laugh erupted quietly behind him and Neal smiled, turning to flash a grin at his husband. "Rock star trying to steal my blue eyes?" Neal looked amused as he pushed himself up to meet Peter halfway for a kiss. Peter played with Neal's wedding ring since they were this close. He liked messing with it because it was a constant reminder that he'd won this man's heart. Neal kept his eyes on Peter's, silently conveying his love for the older man. Peter pecked his lips again before Tara stood up and walked over to them.

She put her hands on her hips and whined, "Don't I get some love?"

"_Obviously_ you do," Peter said, gesturing at her stomach. Neal laughed and they both pulled her in for a simultaneous hug. Nicky came bounding up the stairs with Trent on his tail and they made a mad dash for Nicky's room. Neal allowed Trent to have a sleepover at their house since Nicky did his chores and all of his homework throughout the week and the two were begging him to say yes when they asked the day he picked them both up to take Trent home for his mom.

"I wonder what those brats are up to," Neal murmured. Peter chuckled and they all parted from the hug. "They've been strangely secretive and I'm honestly really curious." Peter watched as Neal left the room to go to his son's room just to look in. He thought it was funny, Neal worrying about what the kids were up to even though they're both good kids. He followed Neal and stood beside him as Neal opened the door just enough to see inside. What he saw surprised him. He pushed the door open and the two boys startled, scrambling away from each other. "Nicolas James."

"Daddy," Nicky said, swallowing. He glanced at Trent and so did Neal.

"Uh, Trent," Peter said, watching Neal. He knew Neal would take care of this. Trent got up from the floor and scurried over to Peter's side, leaving the room with him.

Nicky swallowed hard and got up from the floor. "What were you…? Nicolas…" He sighed and shut the door, coming in to sit on his son's bed. "Baby, why were you kissing Trent?"

The teenager's face flushed immediately and he wouldn't look at his father. "I don't know."

Neal didn't know his son's sexuality yet and Nicky was still trying to figure out where he was in the world, but he wondered if he was influencing Nicky's decisions. "There's always a reason, Nick." Nicky looked like he was going to cry, so Neal got up and knelt in front of him, hugging him. "I'm not mad at you. I just want to know why. I'm the _last_ person to criticize kissing another boy." He kissed Nicky's nose. "And you know I love you. Whether you're into boys or girls, I don't care. You're my son."

"You…" Neal's heart clenched a little, thinking he was at fault for this. He didn't want Nicky to try to be gay if he really wasn't. "Dad, I want to be happy like you are with poppa. Trent makes me happy."

Neal nodded. He wasn't going to deny his son the privilege to fall in love with whoever he wants, but he also wasn't going to let Nicky start dating until he was at least sixteen. With the way the world is changing, he didn't want Nicky to get sucked into peer pressure and wind up getting some girl pregnant—Neal realized they were getting younger and younger now. When he was growing up, he was stunned to hear that eighteen year olds were having babies because he thought people were supposed to be in their twenties before having children. If Nicky wanted to be with boys, he didn't want Nicky to have sex right now. Fresh horrors were building up in his mind that he forced himself to shove aside when he thought about Nicky being sexually active by his own choice. He didn't want Nicky to spend his teenage years trying to figure out whether he was a top or bottom guy. He wanted Nicky to live and experience things without sex influencing him. "Are you sure it's the same kind of happy that poppa and I have?" Nicky looked unsure, staring at his father's soft eyes. "Don't jump into things just yet, Nicky. Take the time to figure yourself and your interests out. If you're supposed to be with Trent, you'll be with Trent." He combed his fingers through Nicky's hair, smiling softly at his son. "I don't want you to think you need to be gay because I am. You're Nicky and I'm daddy. I don't want you to grow up with heartbreak and regret and I know you don't want to hurt your friendship with Trent."

"Why can't I date Trent now?"

"Because I think you're both too young for that. Wait a few years and you know I won't have a problem with this. Just…think, Nick. Be _you._"

"I want to be with Trent," he said petulantly. "I'm gonna move in with him if you don't let me date him."

Neal raised an eyebrow at the challenge in Nicky's tone. "I will ground you to your room before you even start packing," he said tightly. "You're too young for a relationship right now, Nicolas James. I like Trent, too, but I'm not allowing a relationship at the moment. In a few years, maybe."

"You're a hypocrite!"

"Excuse me?" Neal said, surprised to hear his son argue with him like this.

"You always said you wouldn't care if I was gay or straight, but you _do_ care. You don't want me to be gay."

Neal's eyes hardened as he stared at his son, straightening up to loom over the teenager. "I don't give a damn if you're gay or straight, Nicolas. You're my son and I'll love you for who you are. I'm not trying to be a jerk about this. I want you to take it easy and think about things before getting in too deep."

Nicky looked so disgusted and it hurt Neal's heart. He hadn't said he didn't want Nicky to be gay. If Nicky was gay, Nicky was gay, and it was as simple as that. Neal just wanted him to wait before leaping headfirst into the fray. "Why won't you let me be with Trent? You were with a lot of guys before poppa, so what's the difference?"

"The difference between you and me is _twenty-three years,_ Nicolas. You're thirteen. I'm not going to let you date until you're a little older and a little more mature. I have nothing against Trent. I'll support you in every—"

"You're a liar!" Neal's words died on his lips. "You don't want me to be happy. You want me to be miserable. I want to be with Trent and you won't let me. What kind of dad are you?"

Neal was stunned, but he bounced back. He was really pissed off now. "I'm the kind of dad who will ground his son to his room for a week," he growled. "I'm not going to let you talk back to me like this. I'm the dad. When you're a dad with your own kids, you make the rules." Nicky just glared up at him, crossing his arms over his chest. "While you live under my roof, you're going to follow my rules. Poppa won't let me ease up on you if this attitude of yours doesn't improve."

Nicky uncrossed his arms and balled his hands up into fists. "Everybody was right about you. You're going to be a control freak. You'll never let me do anything I want to do or be with people I want to be with." He brazenly took a step forward and Neal had enough.

"You're grounded for a week, Nicolas."

"You can't do that!"

"I just did—and I can make it _two_ weeks," Neal said tightly. "Trent's going to sleep in one of the guestrooms until he goes home. Once he leaves, you're not to leave your room unless you need to go to the bathroom or I call you downstairs to eat." He didn't like acting this way with Nicky. He's never felt this angry at his son, but Nicky was pushing it.

Nicky looked just as angry as Neal felt. "You're a terrible father and I hate you."

Neal threw his arms out to his sides, shrugging. "Nothing I can do about that if that's what you want to think. You can hate me all you want, but you're still grounded."

"I hate you!" Nicky screeched at him.

Neal's heart was aching terribly. "Well, I love you. Because I love you, I'm trying to protect you. If you can't understand that, then I sure as hell hope you like spending time in your room."

Again, Nicky cried, "I hate you! Go away!"

Neal left without saying another word and Nicky slammed the door on him as soon as he was out of the room. He considered going back in there, but he didn't want to. Nicky was really upset with him. Normally, Neal would hate himself for upsetting his son, but not this time. This time, he knew he needed to lay down the rules. He lost his innocence at thirteen and he sure as hell wouldn't let Nicky do that to himself. He hadn't been ready for sex at thirteen, so Neal refused to let Nicky date and more than likely end up having sex when he really shouldn't.

He didn't realize Tara and Peter were standing right there until Peter came over to touch his chest. "Honey…"

Neal shrugged. "You heard him. He hates me. I'm a terrible dad."

Peter shook his head. "He doesn't hate you, Neal. He loves you to death. He appreciates you."

"That was appreciation? What made you, in your right mind, think that was _appreciation?_"

The older man didn't have an answer to that, so Neal stormed off. "Shit," Peter whispered when Neal shut their bedroom door. Tara looked concerned. He glanced at the stairway to see Trenton standing there, looking afraid. "You're okay, Trent. Nicky and his daddy had an argument. They'll be fine."

Trent swallowed. "Mister Burke, should I go home?" Peter shook his head and the teen frowned. "I didn't know they were going to fight. I'm really sorry. Nicky was talking to me about kissing and we wanted to try it…"

"It's okay," Peter said gently. He glanced at Tara. "Can you take him downstairs for a little bit? Neal needs to cool off and I'll see if I can get Nicky to listen to me." Tara nodded and smiled at Trent as she led him back downstairs. Peter knocked on Nicky's door and Nicky told him to go away, thinking he was Neal. "It's poppa," he said quietly. In only a few short moments, Nicky opened the door and let him in. "Hey, kiddo."

"Hi, poppa," Nicky said, sounding depressed. Peter watched his son hop up onto the bed and lay down miserably. He shut the door and went to sit on the bed, rubbing Nicky's leg. "I don't hate daddy," he whispered, looking at Peter with tears in his eyes.

Peter patted Nicky's thigh before taking his hand. "He knows that deep down. He isn't trying to be mean, Nick. He's thinking about what's good for you and I think you need to listen to him."

Nicky frowned. "Why doesn't he want me to date Trent?"

"Because of his past," Peter whispered. "Daddy didn't want these things when he was thirteen. He—"

"Vincent forced him," Nicky said sadly. "Dad didn't have a choice. Is he trying to say Trent is going to rape me?"

Peter shook his head, squeezing Nicky's hand. "He wasn't ready for any of that, Nick, and he doesn't think you're ready right now. He wants you to wait and take your time. Daddy's first boyfriend was when he was in his twenties."

Nicky gripped Peter's hand a little tighter. "All I did was kiss him and dad thinks I want to have sex with Trent." Peter heard the hostility returning and internally sighed. "He's such an idiot."

"Don't call your father an idiot. He's done so much for you, Nick. He cares about you more than you know. If he didn't think you needed to wait or if he didn't care, he'd let you do what you wanted." Peter stroked Nicky's hand with his thumb. "Has dad ever said no to you when you wanted something?" Nicky frowned, shaking his head. "He loves you. He's trying to be a good dad. He thinks you really hate him, Nicky."

The teenager sat up and leaned against Peter. "Poppa, can you tell him I'm sorry?"

"I think you need to be the one to tell him," Peter said gently.

"But I'm grounded."

Peter nodded. "You're still going to be grounded regardless. He needs to hear from you that you don't hate him. Hearing that from me won't do anything for him." He wrapped his arm around Nicky, squeezing his arm gently. "Nicky, try to understand. Dad didn't want any kind of relationship with another boy when he was thirteen. Vincent took that decision away from him and he hates Vincent for that. You might think dad's doing the same thing to you, but he's not." Nicky closed his eyes, listening to Peter. "Your father isn't planning on raping you or hurting you. He'd do anything for you. This is _one_ thing he's asking you to wait on. Dad doesn't want you to go through life regretting things he regrets."

"Does he think I'm not serious?"

"He doesn't know what to think and neither do you. Right now, you don't know what you'll want in ten years. Ne—_dad_ waited. He went through a lot of rough relationships until we got together. He doesn't want you to end up that way."

Nicky nodded slowly. "What if I'm gay? Is he going to be freaked out by it?"

Peter chuckled quietly. "Both your father and I are gay. He definitely won't be freaked out by you. He just wants you to look at your options before settling on something you're not sure about." He kissed Nicky's hair. "If you're gay, he'll love you as much as he always has. Same thing if you're straight. He doesn't know what you are and you're at a point in your life where you might not be so sure either."

"Can Trent hang out with me still or is dad going to tell me I can't be around Trent?"

"Do you think he'd tell you that you're not allowed to see your best friend?" Nicky thought about it, then shook his head. "Dad's not going to forbid you from seeing him. He's concerned is all. Don't rush into things, buddy. Love isn't supposed to be rushed." Nicky nodded slowly, opening his eyes. "It took daddy and me a long time to find each other. I knew I loved him when I met him and now we're married. When you're truly in love, you'll know." He squeezed Nicky against him for a moment. "Don't try to find your one true love right now. You have so much time for that down the road. Just be a kid," he said softly. "If you and Trent have feelings for each other, you'll know later on. You're both kids right now. Trying to date each other now might hurt you both later if one or both of you realizes you're really not gay."

The teenager looked down at his lap. "I guess you're right," Nicky murmured. "Does dad hate me?"

Peter sincerely said, "No. He'll never hate you."

"I said some really hurtful things to him…"

"And daddy isn't the kind of man to hold that against you. You're his baby boy. He'll always love you with all of his heart. You've always been first in his life." Nicky met Peter's eyes and Peter smiled at him. "I'll be honest with you. I've said awful things to daddy before, too. We argue, we ignore each other for a little while, and then we talk about it. He still loves me even though I was mean to him. If he can love me after saying things like that, he will certainly love you in the end."

Nicky bounced off of the bed. "I wanna talk to him. Can you ask if I can first? I don't…wanna make him even angrier." Peter got up and ruffled Nicky's hair, nodding. Nicky watched his poppa leave his bedroom and head down the hallway and around the corner. He stood in his doorway waiting for Peter to come back. After a couple minutes, Peter came around the corner and motioned for him to come over. Nicky darted over to him, holding onto Peter's arm like a lifeline.

"Don't be afraid," Peter whispered. "He's not mad anymore."

Peter led Nicky into his and Neal's bedroom and Neal was sitting on the edge of his bed with his shirt off. Nicky held onto Peter when Neal looked at him. He could see the pain in his father's eyes even though he was trying to hide it. "Dad, I'm sorry." Neal nodded silently. Nicky finally let go of Peter's arm and moved across the room to stand in front of his dad. He forced Neal's legs apart and positioned himself between them, wrapping his arms around his dad's waist and resting his head on Neal's shoulder. "I don't hate you," he whispered.

"I know," Neal said, clearing his throat. He sounded miserable, but he was trying to play it down and keep to himself so Nicky wouldn't think he was weak. "Don't worry. I talked to poppa and… You're just grounded for the weekend, which just means no ice cream or late movies." He looked at Nicky like he was waiting for another onslaught of hate and Nicky just hugged him tighter. "You know I love you. Nick, I don't like when you talk back to me. I'm not one of your friends. I'm your father and I want you to respect me, okay?" Peter noticed how uncomfortable Neal looked. "I'm not asking you to worship me or suck up to me. I just don't want you to call me a hypocrite or a liar. I wasn't being hypocritical nor was I lying to you. You're too young for a relationship right now. I told you that you can be with Trent in a few years if you still feel the same way about him. I'm not going to pick and choose who you can or can't be with unless they're really bad for you. Trent's a good kid—like you."

Nicky stepped back to stare at his father's sad face. He kissed Neal, then hugged him again. "I love you, daddy. I didn't mean it when I said I hate you." He paused, inhaling his dad's scent. He really liked how his dad had this sweet scent around him all the time. It made Nicky feel comfortable and safe because he knew it was his dad. "I didn't mean it when I said you're a bad dad either." Neal smiled weakly, blinking unwanted tears away. "Trent's dad used to beat him up and your step-dad used to beat you up, too." Neal cringed, thinking that Nicky was putting that into terms too polite for the situation he had with Vincent. "You've never hit me. You don't yell at me either. Dad, you don't like swearing at me. You only end up doing that when you're really mad and I'm sorry for making you mad."

Neal kissed Nicky's neck, closing his eyes. "I couldn't live with myself if I ever beat you," he whispered. "The thought of hurting you kills me inside. I will never _ever_ hit you." He hadn't even spanked Nicky when Nicky was growing up. He was so against physical punishments, so he chose to go down the lecturing route. If he could talk it out with Nicky, that's what he'd do. He refused to make his son cry because he hit him. "I'm not going to apologize for grounding you or saying what I said to you," he said sincerely. "I meant everything I said and you're still grounded. I'm not going to let you walk all over me. I love you, but I'm not going to put up with this anymore, Nick. I think I was too lenient on you as you grew up and that's my fault. I blame myself for all of this and—"

"You were just being a good dad," Nicky whispered. "You love me a lot. You didn't have to take me home with you when you found out you had me, but you did anyway." Neal nodded, breathing shakily. "You're my hero. You keep me safe and love me with all of your heart." Neal opened his eyes and looked up at Peter, meeting his husband's affectionate eyes. "I'm stupid if I hate you for doing everything you could for me."

"You're a smart boy," Neal said quietly. "I don't want you to grow up too quick, Nicky. I feel old as it is. I miss when you were a baby. I miss trying to get you to talk to me and trying to help you walk." He laughed as his vision became a watery blur. "I remember your first word. You said 'dada.' I remember how giggly you were when you realized I wasn't holding your hands and you walked straight to me." He held Nicky a little tighter. "I miss the simplicity of that. I miss being able to make you so happy."

Nicky stepped back and gripped his father's hands. "You think you make me unhappy?" Neal didn't answer. "Dad, I'm happy because of you. Like I said, you didn't have to take me home. You didn't have to raise me. You didn't have to love me and take care of me." He squeezed Neal's fingers. "You didn't do any of those things because you had to. You _wanted_ to. You wanted to be my daddy and you still do. Some of my friends have bad daddies and some of them don't even have a daddy in their life." He kissed his father again, giving him a little smile. "I'm lucky 'cause I have a good dad who wants to be in my life."

Neal laughed lightly. He rubbed his eyes and nodded slowly. "I… Nick, you're my world. You and poppa are my family. If I hurt either of you or pushed either of you away, I wouldn't be able to survive." Peter smiled softly at his husband, glad he and Nicky were talking this through. Nicky needed to understand and Neal was trying to help him understand. "Poppa protects me and makes me feel safe when he holds me." Both of them looked at Peter and Neal kept his gaze locked onto his husband. "I've messed up a lot with poppa, but he still loves me. He's still here." He turned his focus towards Nicky. "You're a kid. You're gonna hate me and be upset with me. It's part of life, I think, but there will never be even a split second where I look at you and think I hate you."

"It's just… My friends are dating and—"

Neal cut him off, softly saying, "I don't care what your friends are doing." He poked Nicky's chest gently. "I only care what Nicky's doing, okay?"

Nicky nodded. "I'm allowed to be friends with Trent?" Neal nodded. "Just no kissing or stuff like that?"

"For now. If you and Trent have feelings for each other in a few years, I won't have too much of a problem with you two being together. I just want you to be a little kid for as long as you can." He stroked Nicky's hair. "Don't try to grow up too fast. Being an adult isn't all that it's cracked up to be."

Peter went to sit on the bed beside his husband, sliding his arm behind Neal to rub his warm, bare back. The two resolved a few more little issues between themselves and then Neal told Nicky to go play. When his son was gone, he leaned into his husband's immediate embrace. "That went well," Peter said gently. Neal nodded and Peter reached up to stroke Neal's hair. "How are you feeling, baby?"

Neal sighed and nuzzled his husband's throat. "I don't know how I feel, Peter. I feel like I don't even know my own son sometimes and it feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest when I can't fix things or when I think I'm fucking up royally." He closed his eyes and breathed erratically for a few moments. "You and me—we're adults. We're gonna have plenty of problems with each other that we'll blow up at each other for, but we get through it and I never really believe you'll leave me after an argument. I usually fight you over stupid things as it is."

"I accuse you of ridiculous things," Peter whispered, "and that's my problem. I…honestly thought you were thinking about cheating on me when I found your wedding ring here instead of on your finger while you were out for a little while…"

The younger man nodded. "I know. I'm just glad you listened to me this time," he whispered. "You didn't flip out on me without giving me the chance to explain and I appreciated that. I didn't realize you weren't aware of that case… If I'd known you had no idea, I would've told you right from the start."

Peter kissed Neal's hair. "I trust you. I haven't accused you of cheating in at least a year and a half, which is good…" Neal sighed and Peter stopped depressing them both. "The point is, you know I'll put effort into fixing our problems. I know you're the same way—with me and with Nicky. You can't bear the thought of losing us."

"Losing you would destroy me. No one could ever love me like you do." Peter hated when Neal said things like that. He believed Neal could be loved by someone else if something were to happen to him or them. The only thing he appreciated with that sentiment was that Neal swore he'd never fall in love again. "If Nicky grew up hating me, I'm not sure what I'd do, Peter. I try so hard to please him and I think I'm failing."

The older man put a bit of space between them, meeting Neal's eyes as they opened. "You aren't failing. You're doing a fantastic job, honey. He's just growing up and looking for more and more independence." Neal frowned. "He'll have it someday. He needs to understand that he's still a kid. As you kept reminding him, _you_ are the father. I agree that he needs to respect you a little more. He's been hurting you a lot off and on. I don't like it because I know how much it hurts you." He kissed the corner of Neal's lips. "You're extremely sensitive to his and my feelings. I just hope you know that we love you no matter how angry we get at each other. You're my husband and I could never dream of leaving you. You're his father and he looks up to you because you're his hero—his role model."

"He talks to you a lot more than he talks to me," Neal whispered.

"Because he knows he's wrong and he wants me to help him fix the problem. He wanted me to come in here and apologize for him and I told him that he needed to tell you." Neal appreciated that. He loved that Peter always stuck up for him, even if it was simple as telling Nicky to cowboy up and talk to Neal. "You're the only one who loved him more than life, Neal. He needed you then and he needs you now even though I'm in the picture now. I love him as much as you do, but you're his daddy. He'll always need you."

Neal gave him a half smile. "It's like a triangle of need," he said, laughing lightly. "I need you and Nicky, he needs us, and you need me and Nicky."

Peter kissed him, reaching up to stroke Neal's hair again. "And that's how it's always going to be."

•◊•

"You really didn't have to drive me home. I could've had Declan pick me up."

Neal shrugged and glanced over at her for a moment. "I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes anyway. Peter's got Nick and Trent under control for the moment."

She reached over to take his right hand while he drove. "You're such a sweetheart and I'm sorry about how Nicky treated you tonight. I know that hurt you a lot. Peter told me Nicky's having a hard time keeping some things to himself when he's arguing with you."

"He brought up my rapes once before," Neal whispered. "He used it against me and Peter got pissed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong." He blinked a few tears away. "Peter and I argue because we need to work through some things. He has never used my rapes against me. He never tells me I'm a whore or a slut or that I'm broken because of them."

"Peter loves you so much, Nealie. He knows what can hurt you the most without putting any effort into it. If he ever did that, I think you'd really consider leaving him."

Neal didn't know about that. "I love him no matter what he says to me. I don't think I'd leave even if he told me I'm pretty worthless because two men raped me repeatedly in my lifetime." Keller used to call him worthless because he wouldn't try to defend himself in arguments or physical fights. Every time he thought about Keller and the abuse he suffered at Keller's hands, he loved Peter more. As far as he could remember, Peter only implied that he whored himself when he'd gone undercover as a male prostitute without Peter's knowledge. Peter never looked disgusted with him or like he wanted to leave. Neal thought he was a saint because he stuck around through all of Neal's drama and he's still sticking around.

Tara was looking at him, watching the pain in his expression subtly appear and disappear. "Peter's a good man. You deserve that kind of man. I'm so glad he doesn't mistreat you, Nealie." Neal smiled weakly. "He loves you a lot and it shows. He's never abused you physically or emotionally. As far as I know, he's only tried to help you through things."

"He's always supported me emotionally. He hasn't had to support me physically very much. I mean, yeah, he did after I'd gotten shot a couple times, but… I was grateful to have him help me after Craig. Craig broke me and I don't think I could've walked nor done much of anything if not for Peter." He turned down onto Tara's street then and Tara was disappointed to have to get out soon. She liked when Neal talked to her about things like this because she knew he trusted her then. "In the hospital, he had to help me go to the bathroom and everything because I was so weak and in pain."

She smiled at him. "You guys are awesome together," she whispered. "Sometimes I think you're too awesome."

Neal laughed lightly. "We just try to make it work." He pulled up in front of her house and parked. "I don't know where I'd be right now if he wasn't in my life. I know I wouldn't be married right now, but… Emotionally, I think I'd be destroyed. I wouldn't have him trying so hard to make me understand that he's in love with me and he won't leave. He wouldn't be in bed with me, holding me close. With how horrible my nightmares used to be, I felt bad for waking him occasionally, but I really appreciated that he was there to comfort me. He let me talk to him about anything I wanted to talk about and that was great." She squeezed his hand gently. "Being with him has changed me. I feel free to open up to him without having to worry that he'll look at me like I'm crazy. He hates my low self-esteem more than anything."

"And the sex that follows that must be amazing."

He flashed a bright smile at her. "It is. He's really, really sweet. Like, you wouldn't think he's such a teddy bear when you look at him, but he is. He's amazing."

"Does he kiss you all over and make you feel good about yourself?"

Neal nodded. "Yes, he does. Now go get kissed all over by your boyfriend." She giggled and leaned towards him. He pecked her cheek and she giggled again. "Have a good night, Tara. We'll have to get together again soon."

She patted his cheek and smiled sweetly at him. "I agree. I miss hearing about your sex life."

He laughed. "It's mutual sharing. Although, yours should be a little less painful than mine. And it usually is."

"Well, if somebody would stop asking for it rough, I'm sure your ass would be okay." He smirked. "I bet Peter loves that you're asking him to pound your ass. Declan likes a fast pace. Is that like a manly fetish?"

"Uh, how would I know?" She giggled. "I don't give it; I take it. Peter can be fast or slow. He only acts based on what I'm asking him for and sometimes he'll tell me no. Like, we can't have two rough nights in a row because I bled _one_ time."

She pecked his cheek this time and grinned. "You've got a sweetheart for a husband. He's looking out for you, Nealie. Let him. He wants to take care of you and I think that's really sweet."

Neal just smiled. "That's why he's my husband," he said quietly. "And I hope Declan takes care of you and the baby as well as Peter takes care of me and Nick."

"Or you'll drag his ass outside and run him over?" He chuckled. "Silly. You'd be the first person I'd talk to if there was a problem, sexy man."

He laughed quietly, watching her as she got out of the car. "Good night, Tara."

"Night, Nealie!"

He waited until she was welcomed into the house by Declan before taking off. He dialed Peter before driving. While it was ringing, he drove off. "_Hey, gorgeous._"

"Hello, sexy. Just calling to let you know I'm on my way home now."

Peter chuckled and Neal imagined his smile. "_Eagerly awaiting your return,_" he murmured. "_The kids are quiet for now. They're watching a movie and I think we should spend that time wisely… Bedroom activities sound interesting?_"

Neal moaned quietly. "God, yes. Get the music ready and have the blanket turned down so I can crawl in with you as soon as I get there."

"_We need music? Don't you like the music we make?_"

"Awe!" Neal cried. "You're so _cute!_" Peter groaned on the other end. "You've got a point though. Strike the music, but still have the blanket turned down for me. Deal?"

Peter sighed contentedly. "_Always, honey. I'll see you when you get home._"

"See ya then," Neal said, smiling to himself. One thing he definitely loved about their marriage is that they knew each other very well. Peter would have everything set up when he got there and then they could decide together what they were playing or doing. He always looked forward to that because Peter is very attentive and _performs_ exceptionally well. He was already getting aroused just thinking about what they could do with each other. He loves the vanilla sex, but it's nice to change it up every now and then. They could always adapt to the situations they found themselves in.


	9. Chapter 9

"I don't like this."

There was a heavy sigh in response. "_Oh, I know. You keep reminding me._"

Peter rubbed his wedding ring anxiously. Neal was trying to suck in a target by acting as an escort, which meant their target would be all over him. "I despise the thought of some woman touching you," Peter muttered, trying to keep his jealousy toned down a bit.

"_Peter, relax. I'm still wearing my wedding ring._"

"I don't think that was a wise choice. She might not—"

Neal interjected, "_Just trust me, Peter. I have an angle to play. She'll want me even if I've got my ring on._" That offered no comfort to Peter. Diana stood behind Peter, resting a hand on his shoulder. She understood how concerned and jealous he was. She'd feel the same way if this were Elizabeth. "_She's here._"

"Be safe," Peter pleaded.

The crowd was bothering Peter. They were just background noise, but he didn't want to miss a single thing going on around his husband. This woman was potentially dangerous and Neal had to convince her that he was interested in some illegal fun with a little bit of sex on the side. Peter sincerely hoped Neal wouldn't find himself in a situation where he _had_ to act aroused because Neal would utterly fail to get it up and the whole thing would be blown. "_Well, hello. You're a gorgeous man for such an…unimportant job._"

Neal chuckled. "_Somebody's got to do the job, unfortunately._" Peter knew he was leading her into the party and it made him sick. He glanced up at the screens in the van and watched Neal give her a playful, sexy smile that he used on Peter when he was up for another round of lovemaking.

"_I'm so lucky to have you as an escort. You've got a nice ass._"

Peter grit his teeth, watching her idly slide her hand down Neal's back and over his ass. Neal only smiled when she squeezed his ass and Diana could see that he was struggling. She knew Neal felt uncomfortable doing this with Peter watching and he'd tried to ask Peter to stay behind, but he should've expected his husband to want to be there to watch his every move.

Neal made a show of looking her over. "_Mm. You're not so bad looking yourself,_" he said lightly.

She stared at him hungrily and Peter wasn't sure who he wanted to maul first: his husband or the mark. Neal was doing this too damn well for his liking. Neal slid his arms around her slender waist, sliding his hands down a moment later to grip her ass. "I'm going to kill you," Peter growled.

She started clutching his outfit, seemingly trying to rip it off of him on the spot. "_Easy, tiger._" Peter knew that was aimed at him even though he was responding to the woman. "_We have time and you've rented me for the afternoon. I'm yours._"

"So going to kill you," Peter muttered.

The woman was excited to hear that and then she was caught up in socializing while Neal stood off to the side patiently. "_Control, please,_" he whispered when he had a moment. "_You know how I feel._"

As the afternoon wore on, Peter's patience was wearing thin. He was trying desperately to be professional as he observed, but he didn't want this woman clawing at his husband. She was getting drunker the longer they stayed until she finally asked Neal to take her to her hotel room just across the street. Peter knew Neal was screwed. They wouldn't have cameras in the room and Neal wouldn't be able to arouse himself.

When the two arrived at her hotel room, he heard kissing. Neal was kissing her. "Boss," Diana warned, clutching Peter's shoulder tighter. "He's only doing this for the job. He doesn't like this any more than you do."

Neal murmured sweet nothings to her while she drunkenly giggled at everything he said and then Peter heard the bed squeak a little. "He's on the bed," Peter said disbelievingly. "He's on the bed with her."

"_Ooh, baby! Your hands are so warm._"

She moaned and Peter's heart clenched in his chest. "Neal, what the _hell_ are you doing?"

"_Is this working?_" She moaned again and Peter couldn't stop imagining Neal with her. "_I mean, this is my job… I want to know if I'm doing it right._" The woman laughed and the bed squeaked again. She sounded pleased—a little too pleased.

"You are," Diana said, cutting in since Peter seemed unresponsive for the moment. She glanced at Peter as Neal went about his work. "He's not going to have sex with her, Peter. That's why he's wearing the ring."

The next half of an hour consisted of Neal sloppily kissing her as she giggled like a schoolgirl and Peter got the impression that she wanted Neal to finger her and he was, fortunately, not up for that. Peter wasn't sure if he could handle listening to that. The kisses were bad enough. Neal let out a small gasp and Peter startled a bit. "_I like strong, sexy men. You lie back and I'll do the work._" Peter could hear the rustling of clothing until the woman gasped. "_You're married?_"

"_Yeah," he said, sounding nonchalant. "My wife's okay with my job. She doesn't know about this part though._"

"His wife," Peter muttered under his breath.

She, much to Peter's absolute relief, didn't try to push for sex. They kept making out, but that was it. "_Ugh. You are so much better at kissing me than my boyfriend._" Neal chuckled a bit, thanking her quietly. "_He's in prison though, so he can't improve it._" This is what Neal was trying to get out of her. He asked for a name and she breathed, "_Bruce Donovan._"

Peter was concerned when Neal was quiet for a little while. After a few minutes, he excused himself and went into the bathroom. "Neal?"

"_That's Keller,_" he whispered, horrified. "_It's an alias he first used with me._" Peter was stunned. He didn't understand how Keller was orchestrating all of this from a prison cell. The guns being sold were on the black market, so it wasn't like Keller could get access to a fence or do it himself. He couldn't have any way of getting this woman to do it for him because she hasn't gone to see him.

"All right. Honey, everything's okay. We're going to figure this out." Neal was breathing a little erratically, Peter noticed, and he wished more than anything that he could be there to hold Neal against him. "Hon, tell me if you need me to pull you out."

Neal sighed, trying to even out his breathing. "_I'm all right. I'll finish this and then we can all go home._"

A few moments later, Neal went back into the room where the woman was waiting on the bed. "_You were gone so long,_" she whined.

"_Sorry._" He sounded so unapologetic and Peter hoped she didn't catch that. Neal needed to pull through if he was going to finish this. Otherwise, they'd lose the op. Neal's composure was key. "_So what's a beautiful woman like you got to do with a guy like Bruce Donovan? You shouldn't have a man who's doing time._"

She giggled and Peter heard Neal sit down on the bed. "_He had me help him enlist a sniper. There was a woman he_ so _wanted dead. It was really easy._" She rolled around on the bed, playing with Neal's fingers, toying with his ring. She had no idea what she was doing or saying and Neal was using that to his advantage. His morals told him it was wrong to extract information from someone who was intoxicated, but he threw his morals out the window as soon as she mentioned Keller's alias.

"_Wow. He had some woman killed?_"

"_Yeah. He said he was getting back at an ex or something like that. I don't know what the guy's name was. The woman was some old broad. Ellen or Helen._"

Peter's heart stopped when he heard that. "_Ellen Parker?_" Neal whispered.

She squealed excitedly. "_Yeah! That's the name!_" Peter knew this was about to go to hell very quickly.

"_Peter, get a team in here_ now." The woman started asking him questions about who he was talking to and Neal was agitated beyond his breaking point. "_I'm an undercover FBI agent and you're under arrest._" The woman screeched. She couldn't believe she'd been duped by a federal agent. He had cuffs on her in seconds and Peter's team was on its way—Peter included.

By the time Peter and his team got up to the floor and broke through the door, Neal was citing her rights. Diana took the woman and escorted her away while Neal stayed where he was with his back to everyone. He had a hand on his hip and the other was combing through his hair. "Neal," Peter whispered, cautiously stepping towards his husband.

Neal turned then and Peter saw the pure rage in Neal's eyes. "Keller killed her. He _killed_ my mom."

"Not directly," Peter said gently.

"I don't give a damn if it wasn't directly him!" he cried, exasperated. Peter stared at him, his eyes widening a little. He'd seen Neal angry and pissed off. This was beyond both of those points. Peter swore he saw murder glinting in Neal's eyes and it scared him. "He was involved in her death, Peter. That's the _only_ thing that matters here and he—"

Peter gripped Neal's shoulder tightly. "You are _not_ going to pursue this in this frame of mind," he whispered, warning his husband. "I will put you into solitary confinement if you can't handle this like an FBI agent, Neal."

Neal stared at him in disbelief. "You're bluffing."

"Try me," Peter said tightly. He would go through with it. He'd done it once before and he wouldn't hesitate to do it again if he thought Neal's actions would do more harm than good to himself. Neal started to argue that Peter would act the same way if this were his mother and Peter snapped. "You're thirty-six, God damn it. Act your age and get yourself under control, Neal." Neal was stunned into silence. The rage was simmering, but it still lingered. "I'm not going to protect you if you do something self-destructive. I love you and you're my husband, but I refuse to let you act irrationally."

The agents standing in the room waited in awkward silence for the two to finish their conversation and head out, but it looked like it was far from over. "He killed the only woman I have _ever_ loved, Peter. I hate my biological mother and Ellen was all I had." Neal laughed bitterly. "He didn't _kill_ her. He brutally _murdered_ her. If you're going to let him get away with this—"

"You'll leave me?" Neal stopped talking and his lips parted. They were both silent as they both tried to read each other's thoughts in their eyes and expressions. "Neal, I know what she meant to you. I loved her, too. I wasn't as close to her as you were, but I saw how _you_ fell apart. Her death will be avenged, Neal. I swear to you I will do everything in my power to pin this on him, but we need facts and hard evidence." He tentatively reached out to take Neal's left hand, rubbing his wedding ring. "I don't plan on letting him get away with this, but we can prove _nothing_ at this moment other than a little bit of hearsay because she was inebriated and he's in prison."

Neal looked away from him and subtly glanced at his watch. "I'm done with this conversation," he whispered. "We need to get Nicky from school and pretend everything's fine, then we'll talk."

Peter frowned, feeling like Neal cut his heart into tiny pieces when Neal pulled his hand away and stormed out of the room. He had this sudden fear that he'd ruined them. The minimal amount of comfort came with the fact that Neal hadn't taken his wedding ring off to give back to Peter. He gave orders to the agents who would be remaining on the site and then made his way out of the hotel to find his husband at their car.

Upon arriving at the Taurus, he found Neal sitting on the ground while leaning against the car with his head in his hands. "Neal?" Neal didn't look up, but Peter could see that his shoulders were shaking. "Oh, baby…" He sped up to get to Neal faster, kneeling in front of him when he was close enough. "Honey," he whispered, tentatively stroking Neal's hair.

"I'm so sorry," Neal murmured. Peter leaned closer to kiss Neal's temple.

The older man hushed his husband gently. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to do everything I can for you, Neal. I promise."

Neal shook his head. "I'll do this myself. I'm tired of having you do everything for me." Peter's brows furrowed when Neal lifted his head to wipe his face off. "You've done enough for me, Peter. You've taken care of me, gotten me through so many issues, married me, and so much more. I can't ask you to help me bring Keller down. It's selfish of me to keep expecting you to help me." Peter was going to speak until Neal kept going. "You're my husband and I'm treating you like my slave. When was the last time I did something for you that doesn't include blowjobs, handjobs, or sex in general?"

Peter caressed Neal's cheeks. "You leave cute notes for me in the office," he whispered with a smile.

"That doesn't do a damn—"

"Over the last two years, I have kept every single one." Neal stared up at him, a little surprised. "Neal, you're amazing. You always find some way to express your love for me and those notes or even the papier-mâché swans you occasionally leave for me mean a lot to me." He stood up and held his hand out for Neal's. The younger man hesitated, then took his husband's hand. Peter pulled him up and wrapped his arms around Neal's waist. "I love when you do little things like that. You don't have to _help_ me do something to get some satisfaction, hon. All I've ever wanted from you is your love and you give that to me every single day."

"Every waking moment," Neal whispered, staring into his husband's eyes.

Peter nodded and kissed him. "You aren't a selfish man. We're married and I'm feeling the way you feel. We'll get through these things together. Your past doesn't bother me nor does the present or future." Peter rubbed Neal's back slowly, pecking his lips a few times. "I'm always going to be at your side. Whether you believe me or not, helping you helps me. I can only be as happy as the man I love."

Neal gave him a small smile when he pulled back. "I stand by my belief that you have some script in your head," he whispered. "You always know what to say in any situation to help me feel a little better."

"It's my job," he whispered in return. "Neal, you're the love of my life. If I weren't in love with you or devoted to you, I wouldn't try to keep you happy. I _want_ to make you happy. I love when you smile and laugh. Those are two very beautiful parts of you."

The younger man groaned. "You make me feel bad sometimes. I feel like I never say anything worthwhile to you." Peter just chuckled, shaking his head. Neal knew Peter wasn't expecting compliments, but he felt like it was unfair for Peter to give _him_ compliments if Neal couldn't return the favor.

Peter shrugged. "The fact that you're with me is good enough. You're a loving, caring, sweetheart of a husband. I couldn't ask for better." Before Neal could put his own two cents in, Peter hushed him. "Even with all of your 'issues' and such, I would never ask for a do-over. I'd never try to find anyone else, Neal. I told you I'm in this for the long-run, honey."

•◊•

Neal stabbed at his dinner occasionally. He wasn't feeling all that hungry even though Peter forced him to grab a plate and sit at the table with him and Nicky. Peter hated when he wouldn't eat after he'd gone the whole day without eating as it was. Despite Peter's overly pushiness, he knew Peter was looking out for him. Sometimes even he didn't realize he was hurting himself and this was one of those subtle ways.

Nicky was giving his father sidelong glances while Peter kept glancing at Neal concernedly. "Daddy?" Neal lifted his eyes to meet his son's. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course, Nick." He forced a smile that made Peter frown. Neal caught it and his smile faltered. Nicky looked confused. He wasn't sure how his father was feeling, but it couldn't be all that great since Peter and Neal had hardly spoken to each other after they'd gotten home. "No," he whispered after a few moments. "No. I'm not okay." Nicky reached over to take Neal's left hand, holding it firmly. "I had a really rough day at work is all, baby. I'm a little tired, but everything else is fine."

After dinner, Nicky went down into the basement to play in the game room while Neal and Peter did the dishes together. "Neal?" Peter said softly, getting his husband's attention. "Are you still upset?"

Neal sighed and shook his head. "Not with you anymore. We're fine. The nice thing about us is that we'll talk it out and I need to hear your blunt comments sometimes." He gave his husband a weak smile. "I was acting childish and you made me realize that. I'm an adult and I should start acting like one. You know I'm overly emotional, but I'm not a murderer."

"I never accused you of being a murderer," Peter whispered. "I just know Ellen's death was hard on you, honey. The fact that Keller played a part in her death is understandably upsetting and I'm pissed off, too, but we… We can't risk doing this the irrational way." He rested his left hand on Neal's right on the countertop. "I love you very much and I don't want to see you become something you're not. You're not a cruel man, Neal. You're a beautiful man and I don't want you to change."

The younger man nodded. "I'm going to do this your way," he whispered. "I told you I would before and I still will." Peter rubbed Neal's hand slowly, staring at his husband's face. "Would you really put me into solitary confinement again?" Neal asked tentatively.

Peter gave him a half smile. "I love you and I can't watch you hurt yourself, so yes. I did it when I considered you a suicide risk after Nicky was kidnapped and I'll do it again if you're planning to kill yourself or someone else." Neal believed him now and just nodded silently in response. "I don't _want_ to put you there, but I'll do what I need to do to keep you safe. I don't want to lose you, Neal."

The two finished up with the dishes and Neal was drying his hands as Peter slid his arms around Neal's torso. Neal rested his hands on Peter's, leaning back against his husband. "You okay, Superman?"

"I want to talk if that's okay with you," he whispered. Neal turned in his arms and looked up at him, nodding. Peter let go of Neal for a moment, only to take Neal's hand and lead him to the living room couch. They sat down and faced each other. Neal was patiently waiting for Peter to speak. "Neal, I'm concerned—about you and us and our family." Neal's brows furrowed and Peter sighed. "I'm always afraid that you're going to commit suicide," he whispered. "You've attempted it a couple times and I don't know if I can handle any more than that. We're trying to find Vincent and we _will_ bring Keller down for murdering Ellen, but I need you to keep a level head. I can't… I can't live without you and I don't want you to take things too far and end up _dead._ I _need_ you, Neal." He wanted to touch Neal so very badly, but he needed to convey his feelings without physical means. "I'm not criticizing you or calling you crazy. I'm just worried. You're my husband and I don't want anything to happen to you." He frowned, looking away from Neal for a moment. "Anything _else,_" he amended quietly. Neal sat forward and rested his hand on Peter's thigh, rubbing small patterns into the fabric of Peter's jeans slowly. "Our marriage is important to me. I need you to give me your word and _swear_ to me that you're not going to try to kill yourself—and mean it, Neal."

Neal nodded, staring into Peter's eyes. "I promise you that I won't try to kill myself or anyone else," he whispered. "I won't _intentionally_ kill anyone else." Peter sighed and Neal bit his lip.

"We're starting a family together," Peter said quietly. "We have a son and we're going to have a baby in the near future. I can't raise them without you, so… Baby, _please_ don't abandon me." Neal couldn't remember Peter ever sounding so desperate and it made his heart hurt. He was doing this to Peter by saying things he knew he shouldn't say and he realized he needed to work on thinking before speaking. "You're a better dad than I could ever be. If you leave me, I won't know how to raise them. They'll grow up hating me because I'm a poor excuse for a father and—"

"Shut up," Neal said suddenly and Peter looked surprised. "My son _is_ your son, Peter Michael. You're his father, too, and I know he loves you. He looks up to you, Peter. When he can't or won't talk to me, you're his safe haven. He didn't have that when I was single or hiding him from my boyfriends." He lifted his left hand to stroke Peter's arm. "You're a wonderful father. He and this baby will love you so much. You and I both know Nicky loves you to death. He never would have called you anything but 'Peter' if he didn't love you."

Peter heard the truth behind that and realized Neal was right. "I guess I never really thought of it like that. I mean, I know he trusts me, but… I didn't think that had anything to do with him loving me."

Neal gave him a sincere look when he said, "It has _everything_ to do with him loving you. Peter, you were just my boyfriend when you met him. He called you by your name for quite a while and then something changed. He loves you like a father, Peter. You're his poppa and he… If he didn't want you to be in our lives, he never would have called you _his_ poppa."

The older man was really touched by that. "I'm proud to be his poppa and I'm so thankful that he trusts and loves me enough to welcome me into your family. I love you both. Even as he gets older and acts like a little pain in the ass, I love him."

Neal chuckled. "He's _our_ little pain in the ass," Neal whispered. "You're a dad, Peter. You're a _great_ dad, so don't give me this bullshit that you're a _poor excuse for a father._" Neal shifted and leaned forward to kiss his husband. "If he didn't think you were a good dad, would he get excited to play ball with you? Would he ask you to tuck him in at night or kiss you?"

Peter cradled Neal's head, holding him in close proximity. He pecked Neal's lips softly. "I see your point, honey."

"Good. Because this baby Burke is going to have the best poppa ever," Neal whispered. "You learned from your father and you've watched me with Nicky. _I_ have seen you with Nicky, too. There's not a single doubt in my mind about your ability to care for a baby."

"Ask Cara," Peter muttered. "I'm terrible with babies."

Neal smiled at him. "I'm gonna teach you everything, love. You'll be a pro with the baby in no time at all. Hell, after a few days I bet you won't want me to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby because you'll be so excited to do it yourself."

Peter looked thoughtful. "Wow. You and I are going to lose a lot more sleep," he said. He met Neal's eyes and kissed him fiercely. "But I'm committed to this," he whispered. "I want to raise a baby with you. I love being with you and Nicky. To have a new addition to the family… Neal, that would be amazing."

"Oh, I know. Poppa-Peter over here will finally know how it feels to be a cranky parent who's up through all hours of the night with a crying baby. Fortunately, there aren't many walls between us and the baby's possible bedroom. You shouldn't run into anything on the way there."

The older man had a sudden idea. "When we get closer to the time when we'll bring our baby home, can we decorate the baby's room together?" He sounded really eager and it made Neal smile broadly.

Neal laughed lightly and nodded, loving this man so much more. "Of course. We'll have plenty of shopping to do, too."

Peter talked a little more about his concerns related to Neal and their children and he asked Neal to, once again, promise that he wouldn't abandon them. Once he was satisfied with Neal's promise, they relaxed together. Neal laid between Peter's body and the back of the couch with his head and left hand on Peter's chest. He had his eyes closed as he listened to Peter's heartbeat. But just as Peter was starting to drift off while stroking up and down Neal's back, a phone's ringtone started blaring, startling both men.

Neal lifted his head off of his husband's chest and forced himself to lean over Peter a bit to grab Peter's phone from the coffee table. He gave it to Peter and let him answer. "Hey, El," he said when he answered. He was quiet for a few moments and then he gasped. "El, that's fantastic news!" Neal gave him a curious glance. "God, hon. I'm so happy for you—both of you." Neal listened to half of the conversation, trying to figure out what was going on. When Peter finally got off of the phone, Neal looked at him expectantly. "Diana proposed to El tonight," he said happily. "And El is pregnant."

Neal looked shocked for a moment and then laughed sweetly. "Wow. Two biggies in one night. That's amazing." He smiled at his husband, rubbing Peter's chest. "El went to a sperm donor and got pregnant?" Peter nodded. "I thought she couldn't conceive? You're okay with that?"

"Of course, honey. She and Di are thrilled. I'm not disappointed that she didn't have my baby if that's what you're getting at." He stroked Neal's hair, sighing contentedly. "Maybe it's just that she and I weren't meant to have a baby together. I may not be able to have children biologically connected to myself, so that may have been our issue rather than _her_ being unable to conceive. She and Diana were more than likely meant to have a baby together—and you and I will have a baby soon, too."

Neal's eyes widened as he thought about all of this. "Jesus. I know El's wanted kids for a long time. We'll have to go see her tomorrow and congratulate them both in person."

Peter eventually pulled Neal on top of him to kiss him passionately since they were still alone. They'd hear Nicky coming if he were heading back upstairs, so they just relaxed. The older man was hard against his husband and he muttered, "At least we know my problem isn't that I'm impotent." Neal giggled against his lips. "I get you pregnant all the time anyway."

"Yeah. We have at _least_ fifty children already. It's pretty amazing how you can get a man pregnant." Peter opened his eyes and stared up at his husband, smiling sweetly at him. "Unless you're going for the fact that I'm the more feminine of the two of us."

"You're a man," Peter said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not going to call you the mommy or 'the more feminine of the two of us.' You're my _husband_. You're the daddy and very, _very_ much a man."

Neal smiled at him. "I'm glad to hear that," he said teasingly. "I wasn't sure if I was or not, so you totally just cleared it up for me."

Peter rolled his eyes before pecking Neal's lips. "You're such a smartass, but I love you to death."

•◊•

Neal hugged Elizabeth, grinning. He rubbed her back as she cried happily against his shoulder. "I'm so happy," she whispered to him.

"I'm happy for you," he said sincerely. Peter and Diana were in the kitchen discussing wedding details and Elizabeth's pregnancy. "Peter told me last night. How far along are you?"

She giggled. "Almost through the first trimester now."

Neal backed up to smile softly at her. "That's fantastic, El. You _have_ to tell us when you figure out if you're having a boy or girl. We can plan accordingly to set our babies up for an arranged marriage."

She smacked his chest playfully and his eyes lit up. "It means a lot to have you and Peter excited for me, too. He's excited about your baby and I was thrilled to hear about it, so I returned the favor."

"I'm gonna tell you now that Nicky will be all over you as you progress through the pregnancy. He _loves_ it. He kept rubbing Tara's belly when she was over for a little while. I can only imagine how excited he'll be once the baby is mobile and kicking."

Elizabeth led him over to the couch and she sat down with him, continuing to smile at him. "I literally called Peter the moment we found out, so you both should feel very special," she teased him. She reached over and patted his cheek and he chuckled. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"

"Pregnant since Peter seems to have a magical talent for—"

"Hon," she interjected softly. He gave her a confused look. "I'm concerned about you."

He sighed. "Peter talked to you?" She nodded. "I'm all right. He's really worried, too, so I'm trying to ease his worries and just act…sane." He ran his fingers through his hair and gave her a weak smile. "I'm really trying for him. I don't like that I'm scaring him." She took his left hand and held it gently. "We talked about our family last night and he put a lot of things into perspective. I can't lose myself or my control because he needs me as his husband and our children will need me as their daddy. I can't imagine how bad things would be for them all if I…lost it. Peter would be a mess and the kids—I don't know. All I know is that I need to work harder. I need to think about _them_ and stop getting so absorbed in my problems."

"That isn't what Peter meant, honey. You can't let go of the things that bother you for understandable reasons and he knows that. He loves you regardless. All he wants is for you to stay for him. He needs to know he makes you happy enough to _live_ your life with him. If you kill yourself or leave him, he'll spiral into a place no one would be able to bring him back from." Neal frowned, rubbing his thumb over El's fingers. "He loves you to death, sweetie. I know you love him just as much, but you need to remind that stubborn man. He wants to be worthy of you and your love and—"

"He's worth so much more than me and my love," Neal interjected. "God. He's so damn amazing. I have always known he's amazing and I've told him that _I'm_ not worth his time or love too many times to count. That man is the best I could ever imagine having in my life. If something happened to us, there would never be another man like Peter." Elizabeth smiled softly at him, loving that Neal and Peter were both able to talk to her about their relationship. "Besides, he knows too damn much about me," Neal said, laughing lightly. "He knows all of my secrets. The bastard wouldn't be allowed to leave with them."

She giggled and shook her head. "He'd never tell a soul about them. Peter has his own confidentiality rules. Everything 'Neal-related' stays in a file no one else will ever be able to look at."

He glanced at the kitchen and smiled to himself as he watched his husband talk to Diana. "Don't I know it," he said quietly. She looked at the two in the kitchen for a moment and then shifted a bit to lean against Neal who held her close. "Without him, I never would have gotten help or worked through things. He has always encouraged me to talk if I need to and he's the reason Vincent, Craig, and Garrett were put away. If I didn't have his support, I never would have pursued anything against any of them. I would have been too afraid to."

She rested a hand on his chest, nuzzling her face against his collarbone. "I'm glad you two met," she whispered. "I've never seen Peter so happy and I'm really glad you were able to get the help you deserved."

Neal lifted his hand and stroked El's hair absentmindedly. "Thank you for letting me have him," he whispered, gently pressing his lips against the crown of her head. "We all got the one we spent so much time looking for. You found your wife-to-be and I have a husband. All of this was a whole lot of chance."

"You have a man you deserve and you're going to have a second baby soon that you can both raise. I have Di and we're going to be mommas together. After everything with Peter, I never thought I'd have children. This was all a surprise, honestly. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant, but I know I've got a _huge_ support team to help me through the pregnancy."

She giggled when he rested his hand on her belly. "I'm excited to be an uncle," he said with a wink. "Uncle Nealie sounds kind of appealing."

"Uncle Nealie it is, honey." He wrapped his arms around her and smiled. Sometimes, things still felt so surreal to him, but he was finally coming to the realization that he isn't dreaming. Good things _do_ happen.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: The sex scene in this chapter was taken out, but was put into the chapter I uploaded onto AO3.**

Peter glanced up from his paperwork when he heard his office door shut. Diana came in and looked frustrated. "I found evidence," she said quietly. "Keller made phone calls to the woman we arrested and we have video footage to prove that he was in contact with Adler prior to the escape. I'm beginning to think Keller arranged the whole thing."

"I wouldn't put it past him," Peter muttered. "I don't understand why they planned for Adler to escape. Wouldn't Keller be more interested in getting himself out of prison?" She gave him a look and he understood. "Keller knows Neal's afraid of Adler more than he's afraid of Keller. You think they're playing with Neal?" She nodded. "Why Adler though? Everybody knows that Laird did things that were ten times if not _more_ horrible than anything Adler ever did to Neal."

She stepped closer to his desk and set a file down on Peter's desk. "Adler and Laird were also in contact. I have him being heavily guarded now. I'm afraid Adler might try to break him out."

"Holy shit," Peter whispered, horrified. "I-I need to…" He looked down into the bullpen, watching his husband work diligently. "I need to get him out of the city for a little while. I can't let them hurt him again. He's angry with Keller's involvement in Ellen's death and I've had a hard time keeping him in control of _that_ situation. If they try… If they _succeed_ in raping him, I can't help him. He will kill himself, Diana. They'd go after him together rather than separately and…" His stomach twisted painfully and his heart ached as he thought about the things Craig and Vincent would do to Neal if they both had him. Craig nearly killed Neal when he'd taken him and Vincent wouldn't be so merciful this time around. "I can't lose him. I can't let them hurt him. I need to get him and Nicky out of New York until this all blows over. They need to be stopped."

Diana nodded slowly. "I can make aliases for all three of you to get you out of the city. I don't want to see him hurt either, boss." She glanced at the picture Peter had on his desk of himself and Neal. Neal's arms were draped over Peter's shoulders, his hands clasped in front of Peter's chest. They both looked so happy together and Diana wanted to sob as she thought about all of the implications of Adler's escape. If she were right, Craig would be broken out and they'd hunt Neal down. She knew that they wouldn't hesitate to rape him again and they might end up killing him before Neal could find a way to end his own life or before Peter could come to save him. "You need to talk to him. If you aren't honest with him about this, he won't be expecting any of this."

"I don't want him expecting this," Peter said tightly. "I want him to go to bed dreaming about our future and our family. I can't listen to him scream in terror or sob until he can't breathe. Diana, you don't understand… No one understands how much pain he goes through. _I_ don't even know how much pain he goes through. I just watch him and die inside." He held his forehead in his palm, breathing shakily. He couldn't help imagining the things Neal would go through as well as what he'd already been through. "I can't live without him and I can't let them rape him again. His body and mind won't be able to take it. I know he's strong, but they would break him in an instant if they hurt him together."

"Ask him to leave with you," she whispered. "Reese would completely understand. He'd do the same if he were you. Peter, you have him and children to think about. If you didn't try to protect him in any way you could, you wouldn't be you."

He wanted to sob. He remembered the way Neal broke down in front of him when he'd pushed Neal too far and essentially forced Neal to reveal that he'd been raped by Adler as a teenager. He'd suffered with Neal through all of that and then Craig came along and decided to play with Neal as well. Neal was damaged heavily in the aftermath and Peter wasn't sure if Neal would pull through. His body was abused far worse by Craig than it had been by Vincent. Neal's nightmares about Craig used to have him screaming while he was still asleep. Those memories haunted Peter. He didn't want Neal to go through this a third time. "I'm going to force him to leave with me if he doesn't agree to it. I refuse to let him go about his normal life while they prowl around the city and prey on him."

Diana nodded and left Peter to his work and his thoughts. He couldn't focus on his work, instead finding himself watching his husband's every move. Neal has been on the phone for several minutes and he looked happy, so Peter assumed he might be talking to Elizabeth or Mozzie. He wished Neal could always look that happy.

Rising from his seat, Peter left his office and made his way down the stairs into the bullpen and towards Neal's desk. "Yes. Eight o'clock tonight—reservation for two under Burke, please." Neal glanced up at Peter and grinned at him. "Thank you very much." He hung up and set the phone down before looking up at his husband again. "Hey, lover." Peter was at a loss for words. His husband was in such a good mood and he couldn't find it in him to ruin that by demanding that Neal agree to leave the city for a week or so to hide with him and their son. "You all right, babe?"

Peter shook his head to clear his thoughts, focusing on his husband. "Yeah. What was the call about?"

Neal's smile was affectionate. "It's date night, remember?"

"Oh. Fuck. You're right, hon." He mentally slapped himself for forgetting that he'd promised Neal a date night. They hadn't had one in a while and Michael said he'd come over to play with Nicky while they were out. Neal just chuckled and kept smiling at Peter. "You look so beautiful," he whispered to Neal.

The younger man's face flushed as he ducked his head a bit. He looked up at Peter, seemingly shy. Peter found it absolutely adorable. "You're pretty damn handsome yourself." Peter sat on the edge of Neal's desk and resisted the urge to stroke his husband's hair. "Based on the look you came over to me with, I take it you have one of two things. Bad news or new case?"

"What look?"

"That look," Neal said, nodding at him as Peter made the face again. He looked like he was in physical pain and he was. Staring at Neal made him remember how he'd found Neal after what Craig did to him. He remembered how broken, bloody, and bruised Neal was and he felt it all like an echo now. Neal's pain felt like his own and he was imagining how Neal must have felt to have himself invaded entirely. They tormented Neal's body to the point where he was crying in pain afterwards. When Neal woke up after the ordeal with Craig, he'd sobbed for a little while and Peter tried to help him calm down with promises that he was safe, but Neal kept telling him that he was in so much pain. "So bad news or new case?"

Peter shrugged, wishing things were different. He wanted Neal regardless of their life situations. If Neal hadn't been raped, he'd want to be with Neal. He still wanted Neal even though Neal was raped and he'd always want him. Neal's a good man in his eyes and he's a man who deserves true and pure love after all of the torture he underwent. "Why does it have to be any kind of new at all? Can't I just come over to spend some time with you?"

Neal glanced at his computer clock. "It's not our lunch time yet. You're usually sorting through some cases or documents you need to sign and pass on." Peter was really giving himself away and Neal was concerned because Peter wasn't telling him what was wrong directly. "Peter?"

"Diana and I have found new…information…" Neal nodded, silently encouraging his husband to elaborate. Peter sighed and shook his head. "I think it'd be best if you came up into my office with me. I don't want to explain it to you down here." Neal got up when Peter did and followed his husband up into his office. Peter let Neal enter first and then followed him, shutting the door behind them. "I need to ask you something and I need you to understand the severity of the situation."

Neal stared at the floor fearfully until Peter came around to stand in front of him. "Stop scaring me and just tell me," he whispered.

"We believe Matthew broke Vincent out. We know he was in contact with the woman who confessed that he was involved in Ellen's murder. What I'm terrified by is the fact that we just learned that Vincent and Craig were in contact for a short while prior to Vincent's escape." Neal's eyes widened and his lips parted. His throat felt constricted and his entire body felt as though flames were shooting through him, burning him painfully. His body ached and he tensed. Peter noticed and wished he could do something to help. Neal cringed and shuddered, exhaling shakily. "I need to get you and Nicky as far away from this as I can. Will you let me take you both somewhere safe?"

The younger man rubbed his eyes before tears even began to form. "Nowhere is safe with them around, Peter."

Peter stepped closer to Neal and, bullpen be damned, he caressed Neal's cheeks, staring at his husband. "I can't let them get to you," he whispered fiercely. "I need to protect you, Neal. You need to let me take you out of the city."

"No," Neal said, shaking his head. "I told you I won't run anymore. I want to end all of this. If I keep running, I'll never be able to stop."

"Neal, I am _terrified_ by the thought of what they'd do to you if they—"

"Please don't," Neal begged him. "For my sake, _please_ don't try to imagine it."

Peter moved towards Neal, pressing his forehead against the younger man's. "I can't help it," he said sadly. "I need to keep you safe. I can't let them hurt you again. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they took you again. Baby, please…"

Neal gripped Peter's hips, breathing heavily. "We're gonna make it through this. They won't take me or Nicky. We _can't_ run away, Peter. That's not who we are." Peter closed his eyes, silently damning Neal for trying to be strong when he was allowed to fall to pieces. "I ran away from him for almost twenty years and the toll that took on me was…was horrible. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting him to be right there behind me. I don't want to live that way again. Please, Peter. Please, don't make me live my life in fear."

The older man kissed his husband fiercely, trying to convey how afraid he was. He didn't care if anyone were watching them. He needed to help Neal. "I will do anything to get you to leave New York with me," Peter whispered. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want them to rape you. Neal, I want to save you and you need to let me."

"I have you already," Neal said hoarsely. "You can protect me _here._ If we run, our family will fall apart. I struggled to balance my fears with raising Nicky before you came into my life and that was hell on me. If you make me go through that again…"

Peter slid his arms around Neal's torso, holding him tightly. "I love you," he whispered. "I can't bear the thought of them raping you, causing you so much pain… Baby, I don't want them to torture you again. I love you too much to let them get to you. Please, let me help you…"

Neal stepped back and rubbed his face, staring at Peter. "The more you believe they'll rape me again, the more likely it'll be because you'll just wait for them to grab me. If you're so afraid of them raping me, then—"

"Don't even finish that ultimatum," Peter growled. "I will do everything in my power for you, Neal. If you won't run with me, what are we going to do?"

"We wait," Neal whispered.

Peter stared at his husband in disbelief. "I'm not going to sit here and _wait_ for those monsters to rape you, Neal!"

Neal flinched and stepped further away from Peter. "Then don't. _You_ can run. I'm not running anymore."

"You think I'd run away from you?"

"I don't know what to think!" Neal cried exasperatedly. He didn't know what to do or say. This wasn't how he wanted their morning to go. He was excited for their date and he wanted to keep the excitement flowing. Fighting with Peter was counterproductive. "Do your work. I'll figure it out." He turned and left without giving Peter the chance to say another word.

•◊•

Neal sat quietly at their table as they ate. He and Peter hadn't gone to lunch together earlier in the day nor had they spoken very much in general since their argument. "I'm sorry," Peter said, setting his fork down abruptly. He waited for Neal to look at him before continuing. "I'm sorry for scaring you and for saying things I shouldn't have said. All I want to do is take care of you and I know I'm doing the opposite of that right now."

Peter tentatively reached across the table and Neal didn't hesitate to intertwine their fingers. "I know," he whispered. "I know how hard this is on you, Peter. You're as terrified as I am by the possibilities, but I don't want to think about them. I'd rather pretend they're nonexistent than consider the fact that I could be murdered as I'm being raped." Peter cringed and Neal bit his lip.

He hadn't meant to be so graphic, but the thought had crossed his mind since Peter told him what was going on. "I don't want to think about you in that situation. I want to hold you tonight and every night after that for the rest of our lives. Neal, I can't do this without you. I can barely sleep let alone _live_ without you. Losing you is the most frightening thought of all."

Neal gave his husband a sad smile. "Believe me when I say I'm petrified just by the thought of never seeing you again," he whispered. "I don't care how broken and beaten my body or mind could ever be. Never seeing you again would destroy me."

"We're going to make it through this," Peter whispered, squeezing Neal's fingers. "I'm going to protect you and Nicky. I'm going to sound possessive, but…"

"I don't want you to leave me alone," Neal murmured. "If I'm with you or if I know Nicky is with you, then everything is okay. It's… It's when we _aren't_ with you that scares me."

Peter nodded slowly. "I promised you I'd stay at your side," he said softly. "I won't leave either of you. You two are the loves of my life. I need my husband and our son… I'm acting emotional right now, but I _mean_ everything I'm saying. Without one or both of you, I'm nothing but an empty husk."

Neal shuddered, bowing his head for a moment. Peter gripped Neal's hand a little tighter to keep Neal in the present in case he was falling backwards. "I…can't talk about this anymore for right now, okay? I love you and I know this conversation is important, but I'm just physically unable to keep going." Peter gave him a concerned look and Neal sighed heavily. "I feel cold, empty, and dead," he admitted. "If we keep talking about this while I'm feeling this way, I don't know what's going to happen."

"Okay. Okay, honey," Peter said softly. He understood what Neal was saying and he was glad Neal was able to tell him that he was feeling this way. "How are the pierogies?"

"Pretty good." He glanced at the wedding band on Peter's hand and smiled a little before meeting Peter's eyes. "And the steak for you, my love?"

Peter returned his smile. "Almost as good as the sight of my beautiful husband." Neal blushed a bit, chuckling quietly. "You picked a good restaurant. I like this place a lot. The music is nice, the food is delicious, and the lighting is perfect—so perfect that my heart flutters when I look at you and soak in just how God damn beautiful you are."

"Flattery isn't exactly a preferable change in topic," Neal teased.

"I mean every word of it," Peter said, lifting Neal's hand to kiss knuckles. "I get so lost in your eyes and just imagining the feeling of your soft, warm skin against mine…"

Neal gave him a crooked smile now. "Sexy thoughts already? We haven't even finished eating," he admonished.

Peter shrugged and chuckled. "All I want right now is to get undressed with you and just lie beside you. I want to hold you close and rub your skin against mine."

"In other words: you want to fuck."

Peter rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You're impossible, brat. _No._ I mean I want to cuddle with you."

Neal smiled, laughing. "Whatever you say, babe. Innocent cuddling always becomes really hot lovemaking within a very short period of time."

The older man rubbed his husband's hand with his thumb. "It does," he admitted, "but not always. I'm perfectly content with lying beside you in bed. Sex or no sex, I'm still with the love of my life."

They finished up their dinner and started to head out to the car, hand in hand. "Couple more months and we'll be celebrating our third year of marriage," Neal whispered, looking up at him.

"And our fifth year together," Peter added. "What're we gonna do to celebrate this year?"

Neal swung their hands gently as they crossed the parking lot. "We've had really hot sex in a hotel room, on the beach—which was romantically stupid since we decided to go at _night_—and in our bed. We did all of that in one night for the last two years and that was fun. You're really sexy when we're celebrating."

Peter chuckled, letting go of Neal's hand long enough for them to get into the car. He took Neal's hand once they were buckled in and smiled. "Well, August twenty-eighth is very, very special. First of all, it's the day we first got together four years ago. Second, you married me on the same day two years ago. I have so many reasons to celebrate with you. You let me into your life, your heart, your mind, and eventually your body."

"Oh, that's good," Neal teased. "You had to throw in the fact that I let you _into_ my body."

"You did!" Peter said defensively. "We didn't make love until a few months later, but you're so important to me. I have treasured every moment I spent with you. Looking into your beautiful eyes at any moment, staring at your luscious lips, touching your warm skin, making love to you as passionately as I can... I love kissing you and holding you among many other things. I love stroking your hair and giving you massages when you're tired and tense."

Neal smiled. He really hated himself at times despite all that he's done in the last four years to rearrange his life. When Peter talked like this, he wanted to cry. Peter knew every single way to make him feel better about himself and he always used them all. Peter knew everything, Neal realized. The one thing he was always grateful for was that Peter knew when to cut himself off. He knew when he was complimenting Neal to the point where Neal felt he was being unrealistic and he also knew when to _think_ during an argument so he wouldn't slip up and hurt Neal by using his past as a dagger to stab him in the back.

Peter respected him even when they were hostile with each other. Even if they had one of those rare nights where all they had was angry sex, Peter respected him and made sure Neal was okay. He wasn't intentionally brutal nor was he cruel. "You're amazing," Neal whispered, leaning closer to kiss his husband. Peter gave him a brief kiss before they mutually parted and Peter started to drive them home. "Thank you for everything, Peter. You always make me so happy."

"That's what your hubby is supposed to do when you make said hubby just as happy, angel, and that's what he'll always do for you."

"I wasn't worried about that one bit," Neal said quietly, resting his head against the headrest while smiling at his husband. "I know I've got it good."

•◊•

Peter sat with Karen as they waited in the waiting room. She was getting a sonogram done and asked if Peter wouldn't mind being there. He felt a little out of place, but Neal wasn't feeling very well and Nicky was home sick with him. Peter wasn't sure what to do for Karen or how to support her. He'd done very little research into this after everything with Elizabeth didn't work out. Neal didn't go to any of the appointments Kate made when she was pregnant due to his not knowing, but he did lots of research once they were told they'd been chosen by Karen. He wanted to know everything that occurred during the pregnancy, internally and externally, and he looked into several illnesses the baby could be born with because he wanted to be prepared. Peter had no idea how Neal could process and retain all of that information, but he was glad one of them could.

"You okay, Peter?"

He glanced up from his phone and looked a bit startled. He'd been waiting for a reply from Neal since he'd texted him about twenty minutes ago to ask how he was doing. "Yeah. Just…worrying about Neal as usual."

She gave him a small smile. "I'm sure he's all right. You guys are so good together." She patted the hand he had resting on the armrest and grinned. "I'm really glad I picked you two. You'll both be perfect parents for the baby."

That warmed his heart. "Neal's fantastic and I'm learning from him. I have an excellent example for a father at home." She leaned against him and he smiled a bit. "I was kind of intimidated by Nick when I first met him because I was in the early stages of falling in love with Neal at the time. Neal, being the great dad he is, wouldn't have stayed with me if Nicky didn't trust me—or if Neal didn't trust me with Nicky. He puts Nick first and I love that about him. I've barely been around children, so I'm…out of practice, I guess. He's promised to attune my fatherly abilities that are _somewhere_ deep down inside me."

Karen giggled and he smiled wider. "My dad wouldn't come with me when I asked him if he'd come to this appointment because I was scared. He's not very supportive and I can tell you and Neal would be supportive. I'm sure Nicky's done some things you guys weren't happy about, but you two seem like you're down to earth."

"He's our baby," Peter said quietly. "Neal and I will always support him and we've tried to let him know that whenever he seems to question that." He considered draping an arm around her shoulders, but he felt that that might be very inappropriate considering where they were. The last thing he needed was for someone to figure out that he isn't Karen's father and immediately assume he's the one who got Karen pregnant. She's a minor, so he was making sure he was very careful. That was the major FBI agent paranoia speaking to him.

Peter's phone buzzed and he immediately looked at it. "_Feeling shitty. Got sick a little bit ago. Kill me?_"

Peter smiled affectionately, responding, "Kind of need you, hon. Survive another day for me, please?"

"Did Neal write you back?" He nodded. "I figured. You perked up all of a sudden."

He chuckled. "You'd think we'd be kind of sick of each other by now. We've lived together since we got together and he hasn't kicked me out yet."

She looked surprised and he was confused, rethinking what he'd just said. He couldn't see anything wrong with what he'd said. "You lived together from the start?" He nodded warily. "Wow. You guys really do have a strong relationship if you can put up with each other that long." He chuckled and stared at the picture of Neal he had on his lockscreen.

Peter traced Neal's lips on his screen, whispering, "I've loved him since day one. The moment I met him, I was compelled by him. He acted so awkward at first and then he trusted me with—" He cut himself off, his eyes widening slightly. He was so used to talking about Neal in their exclusive group of friends that he sometimes _nearly_ let everything slip. Neal would probably kill him if he told Karen about Neal's past. There was no way in hell he was going there. He could've lost Neal for simply reading his journal. Telling someone who Neal didn't feel comfortable sharing his sensitive past with would _certainly_ end them. "He trusted me with a lot of things," he said quietly.

His phone buzzed a few minutes after his near blunder and his heart fluttered when he read the text. "_I'd go on forever if you asked it of me. I'll suffer with this flu for you. Love you so much, Peter._" The smiley face at the end made him smile.

"I appreciate that as much as I appreciate you, baby. I love you so much—I don't know how it feels not to love you anymore," he replied to Neal.

In less than two minutes, Neal replied with, "_I hope you always love me. I know I'll always love you. Even if you're an asshole sometimes, you're my asshole._"

Peter laughed out loud. He shook his head when Karen looked up at him, confused. He wrote back, "You know I'm always going to love you. What did I do to warrant being called an asshole? Laundry problem?"

"How's he doing?" Karen asked softly.

"Well enough to playfully insult me," he said, chuckling. His phone went off just as they were called in for the appointment. "Fuck," he muttered. Karen looked up at him fearfully and he added, "I'll be right in, Karen. I need to call Neal really quick." She nodded and hesitantly followed the woman who came to get them.

Peter stepped out of the waiting area and into a hallway so as not to disturb anyone. He dialed Neal and waited the few moments it took for Neal to answer. "_Don't think you needed to call me, lover,_" Neal said hoarsely. He started coughing violently on the other end and it made Peter cringe. He was just imagining how Neal's body contorted with each cough.

"Hey. When you're telling me you're vomiting blood and I'm an asshole because I misplaced the doctor's phone number on _your_ notepad, I'm kinda concerned, honey."

"_It's not as bad as I think I made it sound. I googled the issue and it's probably just because I'm coughing like fucking crazy. I'm sure I'm fine, love._"

Peter groaned disapprovingly. "Your health is important to me. If it's something serious, we need to figure out what it is so we can take care of it before it gets to an extreme we can't help."

Neal's laugh sounded ragged and painful. "_Babe, I'm fine. All I did was vomit blood. Nothing else wrong with me. I promise._" Peter was skeptical only because he knew Neal could downplay an illness or problem if he didn't want Peter to worry about him.

"Is there anything I can bring you from the store? After Karen's done, I'm dropping her off at home and then I can make an extra stop if you need something."

His husband's coughing fits were worrying him. "_Get me some ginger ale and I'll…do whatever you want me to do for a month at the very least._"

Peter rolled his eyes. "I will get some for you, baby. You go curl up with Nicky and stay warm. You were cold when I was getting out of bed this morning."

"_I'm hotter than hell now,_" Neal muttered.

The older man smirked. "You have _always_ been hotter than hell."

"_Ha-ha. Very funny. No. I'm serious. Like, I'm sweating a God damn swimming pool in bed. You'd think we just had sex._"

"Where the hell is Nicky if you're talking to me like this?" Peter asked, laughing.

Neal sighed. "_Supposedly the kitchen to get me some crackers or soup or whatever he promised me he was getting. I honestly don't remember._"

"You are so out of it. Geez."

"_Oh, thanks. Do I win the award for dumbass husband of the flu season?_" Peter couldn't tell if he'd pissed Neal off because Neal sounded so hoarse. It could honestly be one extreme or the other on Neal's mood scale. "_Judging by your silence, I'm gonna guess you need me tell you I was kidding._" Peter exhaled a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "_Wow. You worry way too much._"

Peter closed his eyes, imagining Neal right now. "Because I have the best reason," he murmured. "My husband is the center of my world. Without him, I don't know what I'd do. He keeps me warm and happy and—"

"_Nice ass kissing._" Peter chuckled, telling Neal that he meant what he was saying. "_Oh, I know, love. You excessively compliment me. I don't doubt anything you just said. My husband is the center of my world, too—he just shares it with my son as well._"

The older man smiled. "I bet he's happy to share that space with the little boy he loves like his own."

He could imagine Neal smiling. "_He is. He's the best husband ever. He has a heart of gold, a thick and long dick of steel, and a body gorgeous beyond compare._"

Peter covered his mouth to stifle his laughter. "My husband is perfect," he said once he had himself under control. "Beautiful heart, eyes, and hair, a thick cock I love to suck, and a body I'll worship until my dying breath." Neal moaned quietly on the other end and Peter kind of wished he'd stayed home with Neal if only to make sweet love to him. "As much as I love this conversation, I kind of left Karen so I could—"

"_Oh, shit. Right. Get in there. If you fuck this up, we might not get the baby in the end and I'll hate you forever._" Peter rolled his eyes, especially when Neal added, "_But I can learn to love you again if you bring ginger ale home. In all seriousness, you should get back in there. She's probably scared half to death._"

"You're probably right. I'll call you from the car when we're leaving, okay?"

Neal laughed lightly. "_I'm not gonna die between now and then, but okay. Looking forward to hearing your voice in a little bit. I love you._"

"I love you, too, hon."

He hung up and went back into the waiting area. He crossed through it and made it into the back where Karen was with not much of an issue. He took a seat a little ways away from where Karen was having her sonogram done. He watched with curiosity as the woman rubbed gel over Karen's stomach.

The two were making idle chitchat while everything was going on and then Peter looked at the screen. At first, he wondered what the hell they were looking at, but then he realized it was the baby. He was awed by it. The woman was going over how the baby was developing and Peter was just taken by the sight. He loved how the baby looked and it wasn't even here yet. "Can we tell what it is yet?" Karen asked. Peter and Neal discussed early on if they wanted to know the sex of the baby and they were both okay with knowing, so they'd asked Karen how she felt and she was eager to know herself.

It was the beginning of February now and she was about seven months along. She'd been coming here with her mother for a portion of the appointments until her father decided it was time that she learns to do things on her own since she was old enough to have a child. She'd immediately turned to Neal and Peter and they offered to join her if she wanted them to. Neal went to the appointments earlier in the pregnancy and he'd always come home to Peter a little disappointed because the baby was being stubborn and didn't want to reveal what it was.

Peter and Karen raptly watched the screen as the practitioner roamed over Karen's belly to see if she could figure it out. When she did, she smiled. "It looks like you're having a baby boy."

Karen looked over at Peter and grinned at him. "Congratulations to the Burkes," she said, giggling. Karen made a surprised sound when the baby started moving around a bit and Peter couldn't help watching the baby on the screen. He and Neal were going to have another son and he was really excited.

He couldn't identify things on the screen very well, but the practitioner looked a bit surprised. "What's wrong?"

She looked at Karen and then at Peter. "You're having twins," she said quietly. Peter and Karen were both floored. She hadn't realized she had _two_ babies inside of her. She didn't look like she did either. The practitioner was carefully touching Karen in an attempt to figure out what the sex of the other baby was. She showed them both what she found and explained the image on the screen since Peter was absolutely lost. He realized that the one was _definitely_ a boy and the other was a girl. "You're having a boy and a girl."

"Peter, I swear I didn't know. I… Peter—"

He got up from his seat and walked to her, hushing her. "Don't panic. It's all okay. You're not in trouble or anything."

"You and Neal—you're only taking one. What am I supposed to do with the second one?"

She sounded like she was near hysterics. "We'll take them both," he said quietly. She looked surprised. "Neal would kill me if I told him you're having twins and then followed that up with 'baby, we're only keeping one.' I highly doubt Neal would ever separate twins like that." He took her hand in his and gave her a small smile. "Neal will be excited, Karen. Don't worry."

He watched her face, seeing signs of distress he'd seen in Neal when Neal was going to have a panic attack. He didn't think Karen was going to have one though. Neal's entire body reacted to an oncoming panic attack. "You guys will really take both of them?"

"We're both big on family," he said softly. "Neal, especially. He loves children." She started to calm down and he was relieved. "Neal is an angel and a fantastic father. He can teach me how to be almost as good as he is." She giggled at that and he chuckled quietly. "He's going to be so excited," he whispered. "I honestly can't wait to tell him."

They were finished up shortly thereafter and Peter was driving Karen home. She'd been quiet after he'd calmed her down and he wondered if something were wrong. It dawned on him then that she was afraid of _one_ birth and now she had _two_ to go through. He glanced at her and she whispered, "I didn't even think it was possible for me to have twins at my age."

"Anything's possible," he said gently. "I understand how scary this must be. I couldn't imagine doing this if I were you." She looked like that only made her feel worse and he wished Neal would magically appear in the backseat to cheer her up. He was good with the whole parenting situation and he'd managed to get Karen through a few of her fears. "You know you're not alone. Neal and I are at your beck and call, Karen. You're giving us two beautiful children. The very least we can do is support you. You have both of our cell numbers. We will _always_ be there if you need us—during and, if need be, afterwards as well."

She smiled sadly. "I really appreciate that, Peter. You and Neal are great and I'm so lucky to have found dads like you two. I know the babies are going to a home they'll be loved unconditionally in." Peter wasn't sure what to say, so he just nodded silently and drove. He couldn't wait to tell Neal the news the moment he got home.


	11. Chapter 11

Peter went into the house quietly. He could hear the game system on downstairs and shook his head. "Baby, I'm home," he called out softly. If Neal were on the floor, he'd hear Peter. Since Neal didn't respond, Peter figured Neal listened to him and actually stayed in bed. He took his jacket and shoes off, hanging the jacket on the rack behind the door. He headed upstairs and immediately went into his bedroom, finding his husband sleeping on his stomach. He smiled and crawled onto the bed. He laid beside Neal, kissing his bare back. "Honey," he whispered, peppering kisses across Neal's warm skin. "Hey. I'm home."

Neal groaned and rolled onto his back to look at his husband through half-closed eyes. When he realized it was Peter, he smiled. "Hey." Peter kissed his forehead. "Missed you."

"I missed you, too," Peter said softly. He touched Neal's forehead with the back of his hand and Neal closed his eyes again. "You're still pretty warm." Neal nodded and lifted the blanket so Peter could slide under it to get closer to him. Peter laughed quietly as he scooted closer to Neal. "You must be feeling pretty sick to sleep naked with Nicky up and about."

Neal shrugged. "He's too old to sleep with his dad," he murmured.

Peter rolled his eyes. Nicky was still trying to get a little bit of freedom when it came to Neal, but Peter made sure there were no more arguments between the two of them. He hates when they fight because he knows Neal needs him, but Nicky does as well. Neal never said he resented Peter for talking to Nicky first. If anything, Neal was grateful. Peter seemed to have the ability to talk some sense into the teenager. "Well, I'm not too old to sleep with his dad," he whispered, kissing Neal's forehead. Neal chuckled and snuggled closer to Peter until Peter wrapped his arms around him and held him.

A few minutes of quiet went by and then Neal inhaled sharply and opened his eyes to look up at Peter. "How did the sonogram go? Was Karen okay?"

"All went well. She and the baby are fine. Neal, I got to see the baby." Neal smiled sleepily at him. "That's the first time I've ever seen a baby on a screen like that. My sister brought pictures home when she was pregnant with my nieces, but those pictures weren't _moving._"

Neal kissed Peter's jaw. "It's fascinating," he whispered.

Peter smiled. "Want to see a picture?" Neal perked up and nodded, twisting to lay on his back. Peter shifted around a bit, pulling his wallet out of his jeans pocket. He opened it up and smiled, taking the copy of the sonogram he'd been given out of his wallet. He handed it to Neal and watched his husband's face. He'd looked so sleepy and now he was really excited.

The older man was waiting for Neal to look a little closer. When Neal's brows furrowed, he turned the picture back to Peter and asked, "What's this?" He was pointing at the second baby. He definitely didn't think Karen would be having twins, so he chose to discard that idea.

"Neal, we're going to be the daddies of very beautiful babies." Neal's eyes widened in surprise.

"Are you serious?" Peter nodded in response and Neal surged up on their bed, pulling Peter down for a fierce kiss. Despite the fact that Neal was sick, Peter returned the ferocity of the kiss. He was a bit surprised when Neal leaned back and pulled him along until he was hovering above Neal's body. The moment they parted for breath, Neal was breathing heavily and grinning at Peter. "This is amazing." Neal's throat hurt, but he was too excited to really focus on that. "Did you guys figure out what she's having or are they being too stubborn to show us?"

Peter pecked Neal's lips gently. "Boy and girl," he whispered.

Neal's eyes widened and Peter realized Neal was overwhelmed all of a sudden. "I'm going to have a daughter?"

"Yes, angel."

Neal's eyes lit up and Peter's heart fluttered. "I'm gonna have a little princess," he said hoarsely, trying to refrain from coughing all over his husband. Peter just smiled at him. "Wow. We'll have the whole ensemble—kings, princes, and a princess."

Peter chuckled, loving this. Neal was ecstatic. "She's going to have a damn good daddy."

"And a damn good poppa," Neal countered. He went into a coughing fit for a few moments and calmed down. Once he was able to lay there without worrying about coughing on Peter, he slid his hands up Peter's chest until his hands were gripping Peter's shoulders. "This is such a blessing," he whispered. "Two babies. Wow."

Neal was overjoyed and Peter could see it in his eyes. "I knew you'd be happy."

"Happy? _Happy?_ Peter, fuck you." Peter's eyebrow rose. "Happy is such an understatement. I can't describe how I'm feeling, but I'd suggest euphoric—and I'd also suggest we stay away from naming them Luke and Leia."

Peter kissed him, then nuzzled his nose against Neal's. "Do you think we can handle twins?"

Neal shrugged. "I don't see why not. There are two of us and two of them. Divide and conquer." Peter laughed and sighed contentedly. "It's going to be a challenge though. Nicky was a pain in the ass as a baby. I loved when he was so tiny, but dear God. You're going to hear the babies crying and it'll all be in your head."

"Oh?"

"Yep. I was always so tired and I swore I heard Nicky crying when he was asleep. Every time I went in, he was sleeping." Neal smiled and looked thoughtful, like he was reflecting on Nicky's baby days. "The only difference between then and now is that I'm not alone," he whispered, "and that means a hell of a lot to me. I know you're going to help out. Matthew didn't give a damn about Nicky when I was still with him and it really…hurt my feelings, honestly. I love my baby and he didn't."

Peter pecked his lips, whispering, "He didn't love you and Nicky the way I love you both. I truly love the two of you and I'm going to love the twins just as much." He caressed Neal's cheek, smiling lovingly at him. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm not leaving. You're my family—all of you. I'm excited, baby. Spending all of this time with Nicky has been fantastic because I got to see a lot of you through him. I wasn't here for you when he was a baby, but I'm going to be here for him and these babies."

Neal nodded, spreading his legs a bit so Peter could shift between them. "I don't doubt that," he said softly. "You're amazing with Nicky. He loves you more than you know, Peter. To him, you've been family forever. I don't think _stepdad_ is in his vocabulary when it comes to you. Hell, I would never call you his stepfather because you're so much more than that."

"I don't call him my stepson or my husband's son. Anytime I talk about him, he's _my son._ I'm really proud of him and of you. Living with and loving you two has changed my life entirely and I'm thankful to have been given the chance to earn your trust."

"You're not a bad guy. I call you a jerk or other names here and there, but I don't mean them. If something were to happen to me, the only person I trust with all of my being to take care of my son is you. You're his poppa—his daddy, essentially. He trusts you and he'd be comfortable living with you."

Peter wanted so desperately to kiss Neal fiercely. He didn't like when Neal suggested something might happen to him, but Peter understood that Neal was making a point rather than being pessimistic. "Thank you," Peter whispered. "Thank you for staying with me and for letting me start a life with you. I can't wait to take care of the babies and I have this strange urge to watch you in action."

Neal blushed a bit. Not that Peter could tell though since Neal was hot as it was. "You could definitely call me the mom if you watch me. I'm so mother hennish."

"I want to see it," Peter said softly. "I'm not calling you mommy at any point in our lives. We've had that discussion one too many times. You're daddy and you'll be the daddy to all three of them. Daddy doesn't imply mommy or mother hen." Peter deviously snuck a hand underneath the blanket and rubbed Neal's hard length pressed against him. "You're a man," he said as he kissed Neal's chest. "My man—their daddy."

The younger man chuckled and nodded. "It's always so strange. I kind of told myself that I was Nicky's mom when I was raising him at first. I was all fussy and taking care of him around the clock. I had no time to do anything for myself until he was a little older. I wouldn't ask for a refund though. Watching him take his first steps, hearing his first word, and watching as he grew up has been a journey I'm proud to have taken."

Peter nodded. "I'm proud of you for taking it even when you were at a rough point in your life, angel," he whispered, pressing his lips against his husband's softly.

•◊•

Two weeks following the discovery of the twins, Neal and Peter met with Karen and the children's father. Both men arrived on time and the birthfather was late as Karen predicted. "Hey," Neal said softly, resting his hand on Karen's thigh. She was shaking and biting her lip. "Everything's going to be okay. You told him about the baby and your intentions for the baby. If he tries to hurt you in any way, you know Peter and I won't let him get close enough."

She smiled nervously at him and Peter was feeling like he needed to play the part of Superman. He hadn't met the father yet, but he heard from both Neal and Karen that the guy was a total asshole. "Thanks," she whispered, leaning against Neal for comfort. He wrapped his arm around her and held her close. Every time he was around her lately, he felt like she was his daughter and he was taking care of her. Peter absolutely loved hearing about that and Neal figured this was his way of preparing for everything. They'd gotten past the home study with no problem whatsoever. Neal was initially nervous about the fact that he'd been accused of statutory rape a few years ago, but Peter gently reminded him that he'd never registered as a sex offender, so he had nothing to worry about. He was cleared before anything was put on record.

Neal glanced at his husband and his heart clenched. He was willing Peter to look at him silently and was surprised when Peter did look at him a few moments later. He gave Peter a look that the older man understood. He simply nodded in response and rubbed his wedding ring. Neal was asking Peter to keep calm. They knew they could potentially lose this opportunity if they pissed off the father. Neal tried to be pleasant when he met the father, but he hated him instantly for being such a dick to Karen.

When the doorbell rang, Peter got up to answer it. He let the teenager in and followed him back into Karen's living room. "Okay. What?"

Neal gave him an incredulous look. "Jake, I need you to sign your rights over."

"Why would I do anything for you?"

"Because she can come after your ass for child support if you don't," Peter growled. "You'll be paying for the child for the next eighteen years." He didn't feel the need to mention that there were two babies. That decision was Karen's to make. If he made a comment about it, he knew Jake would sign his rights off in a heartbeat. Paying child support for two children would be tough on him.

Jake glared at Peter. "How exactly are you planning on paying for the little shit, old man?" Peter bristled and Neal did as well.

"Jake—"

"Shut up, bitch."

Neal carefully moved away from Karen and got up, grabbing the front of Jake's shirt roughly. "Listen here, you little punk," he growled, throwing his initial nervousness about pissing the kid off to the wind. "She's been carrying _your_ baby for nearly eight months. You're the asshole who didn't help her through any of it. She's been alone for the most part until she chose my husband and me." His fingers clenched around the fabric of the black, skull-infested shirt. "You have no right to speak to her like this. You have _absolutely_ no right to insult my husband. And don't you dare call the baby a little shit. If anyone's a little shit, it's you, God damn it."

Peter stared up at Neal. He could only remember ever seeing Neal this angry when he'd finally confronted Adler in the interrogation room. "You're a fag. For all I know, you'll probably end up molesting the damn thing."

In an instant, Peter stood up and grabbed Neal to pull him back. "Don't fucking accuse me of molesting children," Neal snarled.

Peter was struggling to keep Neal back. He didn't want Neal to get charged with aggravated assault or something of that nature. "You play with dicks for a living. If the baby ends up being a boy, there's no telling what you'll do to him."

Neal was absolutely enraged and Peter ended up having to wrap both arms around Neal to keep him back. "I already have a son, you asshole. I've never once touched him or thought about him like that. We aren't stereotypical gay men, so it's in your best interest to shut the hell up."

"So much for staying calm," Peter muttered near Neal's ear. Neal stiffened against him and he could feel Neal's fingers grasping at his pant leg. He needed to touch something and Peter was the closest person to him. With his fingers rubbing Peter's jeans and Peter's arms around him, Neal was grounded and knew who he was with. "Neal and I are federal agents—special agents working for the FBI, in other words," he said to Jake. "You work at Taco Bell for a living. Who's more suitable to provide for the baby? You or us?"

Karen was mortified behind Neal and Peter. She didn't know Neal's past, so she didn't understand why he was acting this way. The only Neal she knew was the kind, sweet man she'd been spending time with here and there. "Don't you guys get shot up for a living?"

Peter glared and tried to keep Neal under control. He knew Neal was defensive when it came to Karen and the babies because that's the man he is. "No. We don't stand in front of firing squads, you idiot. We protect people and save as many lives as we can."

Neal's erratic breathing was beginning to calm down as Peter started rubbing his chest. Jake made several more ridiculous comments about Peter and Neal's sexuality before Peter finally nearly forced Jake to sign his rights off because he wasn't fit to father the children. Karen was relieved when he signed the paperwork and he promptly left after that.

The three remaining were sitting in the living room quietly. Peter sat with Neal on the other couch, rubbing his back as he was hunched over, covering his face with his hands. "Is he okay?" Karen asked tentatively, biting her lip.

"He will be," Peter said quietly. He leaned closer and kissed Neal's hair.

After several minutes, Neal sat upright and sighed heavily. "I don't know if I should be entirely honest with you or not," he whispered. Karen looked confused. "I didn't want to say anything about my past because I was afraid it would affect your decision."

"Neal, I love you two. Nothing you say could change my mind."

Neal nodded slowly, glancing at his husband warily. "I was raped by my stepfather when I was a teenager. I was accused of raping a child a few years ago by the son of one of my ex-boyfriends. When he started suggesting that I would molest the baby, I lost it and I'm sorry. I should have gotten myself under control and I am truly sorry for scaring you."

She looked so sympathetic and even went so far as to get up and walk over to him. She carefully pulled him into a hug and he relaxed into it. "I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't say that," she whispered to him. "I know you're a great dad, Neal, and I know you'd never hurt the babies. Your son is proof of that. If you were doing to him what your stepfather did to you, he wouldn't look nearly as happy as he did in all of the pictures and videos you showed me of him."

Peter smiled a little as he kept rubbing Neal's back. "I could never be like my stepfather. I went through it and I know how it feels. Thinking about making Nicky or anyone else feel like that…is physically painful. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt a child—regardless of the age."

"This is why Neal was afraid to let me into his life," Peter said tentatively. "He was afraid someone would do the same thing to his son. He's so overprotective and I love that in him. If you saw him in trying circumstances involving children, you'd get to see a whole new side of him and I know you'd love it as much as I do." Neal gave his husband a very loving and appreciative smile. "To be honest, he actually saved a child's life not too long ago. It was a kidnapping case and Neal was hellbent on getting there in time once we heard some more information. He incapacitated the kidnapper and dove into the reservoir to save a little boy who was drowning because he'd been weighted down." Peter kissed Neal's temple and closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against his husband's head. "I have never seen him jump into action so quickly before that moment and I'm so proud of him."

Karen looked really astonished even as she watched the two nuzzle their faces together almost like dogs. Peter kissed the corner of Neal's mouth and hoped he was conveying the truth of what he'd said. "Neal, your past doesn't influence my decision. You're incredible. I'm sure Peter's told you that you're a great man in spite of your past a million if not more times, so…" She smiled when he quickly kissed Peter's lips and they both focused on her afterwards. "I trust you to keep the babies safe and to give them a good life. Nicky is happy, so I know these two will be just as happy. I made the right choice when I chose you two." Neal smiled a little more as his eyes watered a bit. "What Jake said about you both being gay… He was wrong. Neither of you would hurt the babies—and being gay has nothing to do with it. You're both gentlemen and loving fathers. As soon as these babies are born, I'll know they're being taken care of. I won't spend my nights worrying about whether or not I made the right choice because I've spent enough time with both of you to see it for myself."

"I hope you know how much this means to us, Karen," Neal whispered. "Peter… He's always wanted to be a dad." He glanced at his husband before rubbing his own eyes. "I've never trusted anyone with my son before him. Nicky loves him and I know Peter loves us both." He took Peter's left hand in his and intertwined their fingers. "You're getting everything you wanted," he whispered to the older man. "You're able to be openly gay and you're a father to Nicky—and now you'll be the father of all three of our children. There's no one else I'd rather raise children with. I never wanted more kids until you came into my life and we started talking about adoption. I've been excited about it because of you."

Karen loved seeing them like this. She could see that they're both vulnerable and sensitive and protective. She understood a little more now. Looking at Neal and knowing what he'd just told her, she could see that he was haunted by his past and she believed him when he said he would never become the monster who hurt innocent children. She watched as Neal defended his husband and sexuality, but it meant a lot to watch him defend _her_ and the unborn children. She knew he was a great dad and she'd almost called him that once or twice by accident because he's so sweet and fatherly when he's around her. Seeing him come undone showed her how he protects his loved ones—how aggressive he is when they're threatened.

Peter kissed Neal's knuckles. "I'm excited to do this with you," he whispered. "I only have all of this because of you, Neal." He glanced at Karen and nodded at her. "You're giving us two beautiful little blessings and that means the world to us as fathers. You've gone through all of the stages of your pregnancy to give us something we'll be eternally grateful to you for."

She smiled. "I think you're the ones who should be thanked. I know I wouldn't be able to raise one baby on my own right now let alone _two._ You offered to take both of them and I know they'll be loved as they deserve to be loved. Thank _you._"

Neal and Peter glanced at each other and smiled softly. They were both thrilled to be adopting the twins, but what made it so much better was that they had each other to share the experience with.

•◊•

Neal dropped his keys into the little bowl on top the small bookshelf in the living room with Peter following him. Mozzie was asleep on their couch and Nicky was downstairs playing with his games. "Will you do this with me?" Neal whispered, looking up at Peter.

Peter gave him an incredulous look. "Did you ever think I wouldn't?"

The younger man smiled and took Peter's hand and led him down into the basement to find Nicky. "Daddy! Poppa!" He leapt up from the floor and hugged both men as they stepped onto the basement floor. "You're home. I missed you both."

"We missed you, too," Neal said, stroking Nicky's hair. "We also have something we need to tell you. Can you turn the game's music down a little bit?" Nicky nodded, darting over to the television to turn the volume down. Neal gestured for Nicky to take a seat on the small couch and then he and Peter stood in front of him. "Poppa and I have some news that we're hoping will excite you." Nicky nodded, wishing his father would stop stalling. He could tell his dad was nervous about something and he wanted to know what it was. "We've been in the process of adopting a baby for a little while as you know. Well, a few months ago, we got a call from our social worker and she told us that a mom was interested in meeting us. We met with her and she liked us. We were just with her and the baby's father and he…" He looked up at Peter warily. "The father gave us permission to adopt the baby."

"I'm gonna have a baby brother?" Nicky asked, his eyes lighting up.

Neal grinned. "It gets better, Nick. The baby is actually twins—you'll have a baby brother and baby sister."

Nicky jumped up from the couch and ran to them both, hugging them tightly. He was so excited and Neal wondered why he'd hesitated. He knew Nicky wanted siblings, so of course Nicky would be happy. "When, daddy?" he asked when he calmed down a bit. His head was pressed against Neal's chest because he wanted to feel his dad's heart beating. Nicky had the feeling that Neal was excited, too, and he wanted to hear the proof of it.

"Soon actually. The mom is eight months pregnant. In a few weeks, you'll be a big brother, kiddo." Nicky smiled, closing his eyes. He nuzzled Neal's chest, loving his father for finally giving him the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world. He wanted siblings more than any toy Neal ever bought him. He would have been content with one sibling, but two… He was ecstatic.

Both men finally let Nicky go back to his game shortly thereafter and headed upstairs. They went into the kitchen to get dinner started and Neal coughed a little bit. "Awe. You seemed like you were getting better…"

Neal rolled his eyes once he stopped coughing. "I'm still a little sick. Peter, you still kiss me regardless."

Peter smiled, holding Neal's hips. "Because kissing my husband is one of my favorite hobbies."

The younger man chuckled, raising an eyebrow. "I'm a hobby?"

"The best kind," Peter whispered, leaning down to kiss Neal. They kissed a little longer than they'd anticipated and Peter ended up backing Neal into the countertop. He lifted Neal on top of it and positioned himself between Neal's legs, kissing him fiercely. For now, he loved that Neal had nothing to worry about.

Neal started undoing Peter's belt with haste, opening his mouth a bit so Peter could French kiss him, which he did so enthusiastically. Peter held Neal close—close enough that they were rubbing against each other to add to their arousal. "Could you not take the time to copulate in your private bedroom?"

Both men groaned as they broke away from their kiss. "Moz," they both whined.

Mozzie raised his hands, proclaiming innocence. "I'm not the guilty party attempting to have physical relations with another person—or rather _Suit_—on the kitchen countertop. Is this your ideal mating locale?"

"Mozzie, what the hell?" Neal asked, laughing. "Peter and I aren't even undressed. If anything, he's just dry humping me." Peter raised an eyebrow at his husband. "_Fine._ We're dry humping each other. It's not like we asked you to watch. You didn't bring your ticket or the popcorn."

"Very funny, mon frère."

Neal smiled when Peter helped him off of the countertop. "The father signed his rights off," Peter said. "Neal and I were…celebrating. This was just the prelude to the real celebration though." He pulled Neal close and kissed his temple. "Thanks for watching Nicky, Mozzie."

"It was no problem at all," he said, eyeing Neal. "You needn't worry about making me feel awkward or uncomfortable, mon frère. Your past is your past and you know I love you. I'll do anything you ask of me."

Neal looked away for a moment before nodding. "That means a lot, Moz."

And it did. Mozzie and Peter both knew he was being honest. Peter spoke to Mozzie shortly after Neal's extreme panic attack and he'd considered going in enraged, but he discovered the reason behind Mozzie's actions. Mozzie explained how he wanted to call Peter, but Neal seemed so against it at the time. He sincerely stated that he didn't think Neal was a freak; he was only concerned about the younger man. Peter didn't tell anyone about what he'd gone home to find in his bedroom. That was between him and Neal and it would stay that way. Neal was ashamed of himself for how he'd acted even though Peter kept telling him everything was okay. Now that they'd gotten past that hurdle, Neal was able to talk about it a little more freely with his husband. Peter was extremely grateful for that because he hated when Neal closed up.

"Since that's all cleared up," Mozzie began, "am I allowed to finally see a picture of your lovely little Burke-spawns?"

Neal chuckled and Peter gave the smaller man a wry smile. He pulled the sonogram picture out of his wallet and handed it to Mozzie. "I'm a bit lost. What am I looking at?"

Peter burst into a fit of laughter, startling Mozzie. "That's exactly how I felt when I first saw it." He moved closer to Mozzie, dragging Neal along with him, and pointed out both babies to Mozzie.

"Wow. This is…truly amazing. Have I congratulated you both yet?"

"Not that I can remember," Peter said.

Mozzie tentatively walked over to them and hugged Neal, whispering, "Congratulations. I'm ecstatic to see you both happy."

Neal rubbed Mozzie's back, smiling to himself. Peter had to bend down to give Mozzie a hug, but it affected the married couple in the same way. When everything was straightened up, Neal's eyes were on Peter and Peter met Neal's eyes as though their minds were linked. They both knew that a lot of little things hurt them. Their friends knew as well and they were excited when something good finally happens. They needed to celebrate the victories when they arose because there would certainly be something to bring them down later. Peter brushed his fingers across Neal's, sharing a small smile that they both understood. Adopting the twins was huge—in the positive direction for once. They silently made a promise to drag this out and milk it for all of its optimism and all of its worth. All they both wanted was to keep the other happy, so they'd do their damnedest to make sure they were both happy and that their relationship was stable. Neither one of them wanted to lose this. Their marriage was important to them both.

Losing that would hurt them on such an extreme level. Losing each other would devastate them and burn their worlds to the ground.


	12. Chapter 12

Neal woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, gasping silently for breath. His eyes flew open and his vision was blurred. He felt like he was being strangled and he couldn't make any noises. The darkness didn't soothe his anxiety as he struggled to twist around in the bed sheets. He could hardly breathe and he knew he'd pass out if he didn't get Peter's attention. He felt horrible for waking him, but he _needed_ help. He started shaking Peter awake, shutting his eyes tightly in an attempt to keep himself from crying. Peter startled awake. "Neal?" He looked up at his husband and immediately sat up, taking Neal's hand. "Honey, what's wrong?" Neal shook his head, his lips parting in a silent, agonized cry. He felt like he was in so much pain and he didn't understand. His breath was altered, his body felt like it was on fire, and he could barely focus. "Honey, it's okay. You're okay. You're safe." He was stroking Neal's arm gently, keeping his eyes on the younger man. "You're here with me, Neal. Try to relax. Breathe, baby." Neal struggled, but managed to calm himself and regulate his breathing. He opened his eyes and looked at Peter, seeing a sad smile on his husband's face. "You're okay," he whispered, reaching over to stroke Neal's hair. "I promise." Neal shook, leaning into Peter's palm.

Peter was giving him time to relax, but Neal needed to talk. "P-Peter," he whispered. "I felt…I felt _them._" He shuddered and Peter sat up straighter, pulling Neal closer to him. "They were choking me. I couldn't breathe. I tried to scream and I _couldn't._"

"It's okay, Neal. They aren't here. They can't do that to you." He was trying to figure out what might've brought on this sudden nightmare and ended up with nothing. This was the first time in a long time that Neal had to urge Peter to wake up because of a nightmare. "I promise—you're okay."

The younger man swallowed hard, clutching Peter's hand tightly. "I can't live like this. I can't wait for them to come after me or my family. This needs to end, Peter, so let me end it."

Peter's brows furrowed. "How exactly are you planning on ending it if we don't know where Adler is for starters?"

Neal closed his eyes again and rubbed his cheek against Peter's bare skin. "I'll find a way."

•◊•

"Your Suit isn't going to wonder where you are?"

Neal sighed as he drove. "He thinks I'm running a few errands. I didn't _lie_ to him, Moz. I consider this an errand."

Mozzie raised an eyebrow, glancing over at his best friend. He didn't like that Neal was being secretive around Peter. For as much as he dislikes the FBI, he likes Peter because Peter made Neal happy. He threatened Peter repeatedly over the course of the past four years, telling him that he'd make Peter's life a living hell if Neal were hurt. Mozzie would have loved to inflict pain on Peter those few times he'd hurt Neal considerably, but Peter was good for Neal and he didn't want Neal to ruin that relationship by going behind Peter's back. "I didn't ask before, but why did you choose to drag me along rather than your husband?"

"Because I don't want Peter to hear anything that's going to be said. We both know what kind of asshole we're meeting with and I know my husband. Peter wouldn't be able to keep himself under control."

They arrived at the penitentiary not too long thereafter. Mozzie trailed behind his best friend warily, hoping Neal knew what he was doing and what the implications of this meeting were. As soon as they were led into the small meeting area, Mozzie's anger flared. "Well, well," the other man tsked. "Looks like it's my sweetheart, Caffrey, and his lover boy."

"Shut up," Neal demanded. "I'm not _Caffrey_ anymore. And I'm here on official business."

Matthew Keller looked like hell. He'd been given the same treatment the other prisoners inflicted on Neal when he'd been imprisoned under the allegation of statutory rape. Keller was in for domestic abuse as well as child abuse. Anything to do with children warranted hell and Neal was grateful to see that Keller was getting what he deserved. It wasn't because of what Keller did to him. Neal loathed him for what he'd done to Trent. Trent is Keller's son and he'd abused the boy. Neal could remember sitting in the courtroom, handcuffed, as Trent tried to do as his father commanded. He'd fallen apart and Neal leapt into action. Neal, even though Trent was the one to accuse him, would never have let anything happen to Trent. He damned the kid for being Keller's, but he loved the kid now that he'd spent a lot more time around him. Watching Trent and Nicky was great. They were best friends—and it did remind him of his relationship with Peter to a certain extent.

"What can I do for you, sweetheart?"

Neal swallowed back bile, refusing to sit down while speaking to his ex-boyfriend. "Why is Vincent out? What game are you two playing?"

Keller smiled that smile that made Neal shiver. He'd smiled like that when he was pissed off or drunk among other things just before he beat Neal. "Good 'ol daddy just wanted some free time. I don't know why you think I'm part of this."

"You killed someone very close to me," Neal growled. "She was innocent. She had nothing to do with this."

Neal refrained from backing away when Matthew stepped towards him. "Let's just say our daddy likes toying with you. He knows your weaknesses and we've all discussed what it was like to _fuck_ you senseless until you were forced to plead or beg for—"

"Leave the sex out of this," Neal snapped. "You and your father are perverted beyond definition. Craig is a bastard just like both of you. I'm past all of that. I just want to know _why_ you helped him escape."

Keller shrugged. "Maybe he broke out because he was looking for some entertainment. I heard your boy is a cutie." Neal's blood ran cold and Mozzie stepped forward, putting Neal slightly behind him. Neal would have had a panic attack if Nicky were at school, but he was home with Peter—safe. "You haven't changed one bit, Caffrey. I can still imagine you naked."

Neal wanted to strangle his ex-boyfriend. "_Burke._ I'm Neal Burke, Matthew. I disowned the Caffrey surname." He tried to brush past Mozzie, but Mozzie was a barrier. "I don't care if you imagine me naked. Yes, all three of you know what I look like without my clothes on as well as how it feels to screw me. I couldn't give a damn if I tried."

Matthew drew closer to Neal and forced Neal's head back a bit so he could look at the scars on Neal's neck. "Damn. Craig got you good." Neal snarled and shoved Matthew away. "Oh. Are we a little touchy, baby boy?"

He was beginning to feel really self-conscious. Peter always told him the scars were hardly noticeable, but Keller found them instantly. He didn't like his body because it felt defiled, but he appreciated that Peter liked his body. Thoughts about Peter kissing his skin all over, tracing bullet scars and other scars with his lips made him feel warm inside. Peter was so gentle and kind whilst this man before him right now was neither of those things. "Don't touch me," Neal hissed. "I want answers. Tell me why my friend was killed. Tell me why Vincent is out of prison."

"Hypothetically, your 'friend' was killed because she was looking into Vincent. And, once again with the hypothetical, daddy is out of prison because he was having withdrawal problems—since he hasn't been able to fuck you in so long."

"Neal isn't a sex toy, Keller."

Keller raised an eyebrow at Mozzie. "Oh, yeah? Look at 'im. Tell me that feminine masculinity wouldn't attract a whole lot of sex? After all, he was raped by not only one but _two_ men." Mozzie glared while Neal tried to blink away tears before they could form. He told himself he could confront Keller and now he realized how wrong he was. He'd considered seeing Craig to get answers from him, but Keller was killing him inside. If seeing Keller hurt this badly, he needed to avoid Craig at all costs. "Fortunately, you can't accuse me of raping you because you _wanted_ my dick inside of you."

"You were my boyfriend at the time," Neal whispered. "I could easily find something in our sexual past to screw you over with."

Keller laughed, sounding far too amused for Neal's comfort. "Oh. Are you willing to divulge all of the things you let me do to you? You'd tell your friends and your husband that you let me shove a—"

Neal's heart clenched and he didn't realize he'd whimpered until Mozzie was ushering him out of the area and Keller was being restricted into the room. "Mozzie," Neal whispered brokenly.

"Neal, don't worry."

Neal did worry. He didn't want Peter or _anyone_ to find out about the stupid things he'd done with Keller. He hadn't liked any of them, but he'd done it to please Keller since it was his first 'real' relationship even though he'd been toyed with from the start. "I…"

Mozzie took Neal's hand tentatively. "There's no need to explain. All I need to know, I already know. Your questionable, consensual bedroom activities are none of my business. When he was beating you, that was a different story."

The younger man nodded as he was led out of the penitentiary. Mozzie knew Neal wanted to see Craig, but he had a feeling that went out the window when Keller started messing with him. He was hardly lifelike when they got back to Neal's Corvette. Mozzie had to actually help Neal into the passenger seat because he was such a wreck.

Mozzie dug Neal's keys out of Neal's jeans pocket and started up the car. "Mozzie, don't tell Peter," Neal pleaded. "I need to be the one to tell him if anyone tells him at all."

"I wouldn't go behind your back, mon frère. My loyalty to you runs deeper than all else."

The two were quiet as Mozzie drove to the apartment at June's. Mozzie was living there and he needed to get Neal back on track before letting Neal head home. Peter would immediately ask what was wrong if he saw Neal in this state.

Upstairs, Neal sat down on the couch that used to be his own. Mozzie opted to keep everything but their bed when they moved out. Peter and Neal considered teasing him mercilessly about the couch, but decided against it. They cleaned the couch when they got around to it after making love on it. Mozzie probably assumed that they'd used the couch for their sexual purposes, but he chose to ignore it.

"Do you think Adler would hurt Nicky? Keller made that comment and it… It's killing me." Neal choked back a sob, leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. "I couldn't live if I let that happen to him," he whispered. "I can't… I just can't…"

Mozzie sat down beside him and rubbed his back. "We're all watching out for Nicky, Neal. Peter and I would never let anything happen to him—or to _you._ He and I are very protective of the two of you."

Neal gasped for breath quietly, shutting his eyes tightly. "I don't give a damn if something happens to me. It's when something happens to any of you that kills me inside. I can't stop thinking about how Adler and Craig could overwhelm Peter and force him to his knees. They would shove him down until he was on all fours and then—"

"Neal, Peter will be fine."

"Nicky couldn't do it. He'd be forced into it." Neal started sobbing as he imagined what those two would do to his son. His insides were on fire and his heart felt like it was breaking in the most painful way. "They'd throw him down and take him. They'd hurl insults as they did it and he'd never be able to live as normally as he does now. His whole life would be over. He—"

Mozzie stood up and moved to stand in front of Neal, gripping the younger man's shoulders. "Neal, stop. Nothing is going to happen to them. They're both going to be okay."

Neal shook his head. "You don't know that."

"Trust your husband," Mozzie said gently. "Peter will take care of all of you. He loves you too much to let anything happen to himself or to you and Nicky."

Neal felt miserable and he was hyperventilating. Mozzie tried to help him, but he was having a hard time. He didn't know everything Neal needed. He just wasn't Peter.

•◊•

"You've been really quiet," Peter said softly over dinner after Nicky left to go play in the game room. Peter finished his dinner as well, but Neal barely touched his food at all. "Are you feeling sick again, hon? You're not eating."

Neal looked up at him and Peter was taken aback by how sad and haunted his husband's eyes looked. "I need to talk to you." Peter nodded, sitting forward. He encouraged Neal to continue. "You need to promise me that you won't be mad."

Peter's brows drew together. "I have the feeling that this is something very bad." Neal didn't answer. "I won't get mad, hon."

"I…" Neal took a deep breath and moved his food away. "I went to see…Matthew today." Peter's eyes widened and he kept silent. "I needed answers and he wasn't giving them to me directly. I don't know what to—"

"Why did you go alone?" Peter interjected. Neal lowered his eyes. "You took Mozzie." The younger man nodded slowly. Peter slammed his fist on the table, startling Neal. "You lied to me _again._" Neal's gut twisted with guilt as Peter stood up and took his plate into the kitchen. He threw it into the sink and Neal jumped in his seat. He regretted bringing this up in the first place. When Peter came back, fury was in his eyes. "I can't believe you went to see him without asking me to go with you. You _know_ damn well that I'd support and protect you in any and every way, but you couldn't trust me with _this._ He has tried to _kill_ you, Neal!"

Neal looked up at his husband, frightened. "You promised you wouldn't get mad," Neal whispered.

"I'm not _mad._ I'm _pissed off._" Neal didn't know what to do or say. He never felt afraid of Peter when Peter was angry until now. He'd been pissed off when Neal confessed that he'd met with Craig and was planning to meet Adler, but Peter calmed down pretty quickly. "I don't understand you sometimes!" Neal couldn't make himself look at Peter. He was crying and knew that would probably piss Peter off more. "It's like you're begging them to just shove you against a wall and rape you," he growled.

Neal shook his head and rested his elbow on the dinner table, blocking his eyes with his knuckles. "I'm not begging for anything," he said.

"Could've fooled me!" Peter snapped. "I held you the other night after you nearly passed out. You told me how afraid you were and you couldn't even breathe when you were trying to wake me up. Now you're meeting with these bastards. I'm surprised you didn't just drop your pants and turn around for him while you were there."

Something in the younger man snapped. Neal finally stood up, shoving his chair back. He turned on Peter, facing his husband. "I'm not a God damn whore, Peter! He killed someone I love and I wanted answers! How is that asking for rape?"

"You keep seeing these bastards alone. Sure, you took Mozzie this time. He'd probably condone this kind of thing because he knows how you are." Peter was speaking without thinking and Neal was hurting. He didn't understand where this was coming from. He knew that going to see Matthew without Peter was wrong, but he wasn't expecting Peter to say _this._

"How I am?" he asked incredulously. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Peter wanted so badly to push Neal against the wall and make him understand how _afraid_ he was of the fact that Neal was inadvertently hurting himself. "You'd let Keller beat you to death. You'd let Vincent and Craig rape you. Hell, with how easy you are—"

"Go to hell!" Neal screamed. "Just go to fucking hell, Peter!"

Neal turned around and tried to storm off. Peter leapt forward and grabbed Neal's wrist roughly, pulling him back. Neal's fear spiked. His entire body felt cold and he wondered if Peter planned on beating him. It sure as hell looked like he had the intention of causing pain. "We _aren't_ done talking, Neal. Stop running from your problems!"

A sudden, small amount of force shoved Peter away from Neal and Peter was startled when he looked down to see Nicky defending Neal. That put a lot into perspective and he just realized how he'd treated his husband. Nicky was within earshot and they hadn't been very quiet—or rather _he_ hadn't been quiet. Neal was quiet up until Peter really struck a nerve. "Don't hurt dad!" Nicky yelled, trembling. He had a hand on his father's stomach as though he was telling him to stay back.

Peter looked up from Nicky's face and met Neal's eyes. He saw so much pain, fear, and betrayal in those beautiful blue eyes. Peter felt physically ill. He'd said so many things he shouldn't have and he was able to see that now. The damage was done though. He couldn't see Neal forgiving him for this. For one, he'd suggested Neal _wanted_ to be raped in the worst way possible. Adding the implication that Neal is a whore didn't make things any better. He had no idea why he'd said any of that to Neal. This was another instance in which he jumped the gun and upset Neal, but this was the first time he'd seen Neal truly frightened by him—and the first time he truly criticized Neal and his rapes. He realized he made it sound like Neal wanted it both times. "Neal…"

Neal shook his head, looking away from Peter. "I'm leaving." Neal gently moved Nicky and ran upstairs.

Nicky stared angrily at Peter. "Nicky, I—"

"You were telling dad he's a whore," Nicky said furiously. "He had sex with a lot of guys, but he was lonely. He loves you and you just hurt him a lot." Peter tried to speak and Nicky got louder. "Dad doesn't need that! Poppa, I love you, but you're hurting my daddy."

Nicky backed up towards the stairs as Neal was coming down. Neal was rubbing his eyes with his palm, a small overnight bag slung over his shoulder. "Neal, don't leave," Peter pleaded.

He stepped towards Neal and Neal scrambled to get further away from him. That was the first time he'd ever seen Neal react that way to him and it felt like he'd stabbed a dagger into his own heart. After all, this was his fault. He deserved Neal's reaction entirely. "I'm leaving. I want to be alone," Neal whispered. "I'm leaving Nicky here and I swear to God I will kill you if you fucking hurt him."

"I'd never hurt him," Peter whispered.

Nicky stared at his dad, upset that he was leaving alone. "Daddy," Nicky said sadly.

Neal looked down at him. "Poppa will take care of you. He'll take you to school in the morning and I'll pick you up." Nicky nodded slowly, lowering his gaze to the floor. Neal turned on Peter. "I'm not going to work, so don't expect reconciliation. I don't want to see or speak to you for a while."

"How long is a while?" Peter asked brokenly.

"Indefinitely," Neal whispered. "I don't want to be here right now. I can't deal with all of this and _you._ I wanted to talk and you flipped shit on me." Peter took a step forward and Neal darted for the door. "I'll see Nicky in the afternoon," he said hurriedly. "If there's so much as a mark on him, I'll come after you. I'm leaving him here because I want to come back, but I will put your ass behind bars _myself_ if you hurt him."

Peter was silent and nodded slowly. Nicky darted over to his father, hugging him tightly. Neal told him he loved him and Nicky said it back before Neal slipped out without telling Peter the same thing.

The older man figured that some shred of Neal didn't hate him right now if he was willing to leave Nicky at home with him. He walked over to the window and watched Neal throw his bag into the back of the Corvette before getting in himself. In only a matter of minutes, he was backing out and gone. Peter turned to face Nicky and was met with a cold glare. "Nicky, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt dad."

"You're supposed to be good to him," Nicky said quietly. "He trusts you and you turned on him."

Peter frowned. "I'll fix this, Nick. I don't know if he'll forgive me, but I'll apologize incessantly. I…" He swallowed hard, seeing so much of Neal in Nicky's expression. "I _will_ bring daddy home by tomorrow. I'm not going to let him isolate himself. I want him here."

"Prove it," Nicky challenged him. The teenager walked away and went upstairs to his bedroom. Peter stood in the living room, staring at the door. The only difference between the first time Peter accused Neal of being a whore and now was that Neal kept his ring. He did still love Peter and he was honest when he said he wanted to come back. Peter understood that Neal needed time away. Peter didn't think he'd sleep beside himself if he were Neal, so he couldn't blame his husband for leaving.

Peter thought for a moment and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He dialed Mozzie and waited. "_Suit._"

"Mozzie, please text me later if Neal shows up. We…fought. He left and I'm worried about him." Mozzie was silent on the other end and Peter knew he was pissed off. "I really hurt him and I'm going to admit that to you right now. I was an asshole, so believe him when he tells you that."

The other man whispered, "_Did you hit him?_"

"No. I swear I didn't hit him. The most I did to him physically was grab his wrist and pull him back to me." He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, Mozzie, but please take care of him until I can fix this. I want to bring him home tomorrow. I…can't live without him here."

There was a heavy sigh on the other end. "_You're lucky. If you hit him, I'd be en route to end you already._" Peter knew Mozzie wasn't kidding. He threatened to kill Keller so many times for Neal and he'd inferred repeatedly that he'd kill Peter if Peter ever hurt Neal. He was an asshole and hurt Neal emotionally, but he didn't think he could bring himself to hit Neal. He just couldn't see himself punching the man he loves on purpose. He couldn't see himself beating Neal until Neal was unconscious. He'd done it on a case once, but it hurt him to do it. Explaining that to everyone was a real joy. Mozzie nearly killed Peter on the spot. "_I'm not going to leave him on the streets. When he gets here, I'll help him as best I can. You need to stop being a jackass._"

"I know, Mozzie. Believe me. I _know._" He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to stop himself before he lost control of his breathing and started sobbing. It was taking a lot of effort to stay calm after his husband walked out on him. "He didn't deserve that and I'm sorry. Don't tell him I called you, please. Just…be there for him. I'll stop by after I drop Nicky off at school in the morning."

Mozzie grunted and hung up. Peter put his phone back into his pocket, but pulled it out again a moment later. He went to the couch and sat down, frowning at the happy image of Neal on his background. He always wanted Neal to look this way and now all he had in his mind was the expression of such pain on Neal's face. Peter's heart ached the more he thought about it. Mozzie and Neal might talk and Neal might end up asking for a divorce. Somewhere deep inside of him, he thought that was ridiculous. He was going for the worst case scenario right now and that was Neal leaving _permanently._ If Neal left, Nicky would leave as well. He'd be alone without the man he loves more than life and their son. The twins were a factor as well and he didn't know where they stood on that. Neal wouldn't leave for good if Nicky didn't go, too. Because Neal is that kind of father, he would probably take the twins with him once they were born and exclude Peter entirely. He'd protect his children before himself and he'd keep them away from Peter if he thought Peter was a threat.

Peter stroked Neal's lips on his phone as his eyes began to water.

•◊•

Neal tentatively knocked on the door to his old apartment, knowing he looked like hell. When Mozzie opened the door, it was obvious that Peter called. Mozzie was instantly concerned and let Neal in without question. "I'm sorry. I just came over unannounced and I didn't even ask for permission to stay the night," Neal stammered.

Mozzie shook his head and took Neal's bag. "You never need to ask, mon frère." Neal watched the older man take his bag over to the couch, setting it down carefully. There were already pillows and blankets on the couch for him and Neal smiled sadly at him. "Your doors were always open to me and I am returning that favor. You're always welcome, Neal."

"Thanks," Neal said, rubbing his eyes with both palms. He exhaled shakily as Mozzie went back over to him. "I told him I saw Keller and he flipped out. He was so pissed off and it scared me. _He_ scared me—my own husband scared me."

"Would you like me to send the Russian mafia after him?"

Neal laughed mirthlessly. "No, but thanks."

Mozzie led Neal over to the couch and sat on the coffee table across from Neal. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't even know where to start. He said so many awful things. I don't know if I really want to go back anytime soon and that's not fair to Nicky—or the twins for that matter. I was so sure that my marriage would survive longer than this because Peter's a good man. I keep fucking up is the problem." Mozzie rested a hand on Neal's knee, listening intently to the younger man who rarely opened himself up around Mozzie. "Why can't I do anything right? I love him. Dear God do I love him, but I fuck up at every turn. I don't know why he still loves me or if he really does love me. For all I fucking know, he's only stayed because he feels sorry for me. I couldn't hold down a God damn relationship if I tried. I'm just waiting for the divorce papers to show up and for someone to escort me to an asylum."

The older man kind of understood why Neal never opened up to him. He had no idea how to respond to this kind of…darkness. He didn't realize Neal truly thought he was crazy and deserving of entrance into an asylum. "Neal, you came clean. It's not like you kept pretending nothing happened. You were being honest with him. He's always told you that he wanted you to be honest. He's at fault here—not you."

"If I hadn't lied in the first place, no one would be at fault," Neal said bitterly. "I'm going to lose him. He's the only man I've ever loved more than anything—not nearly as much as I love my son, but damn near close. Those two mean the world to me. I don't want to lose Peter, Mozzie. I love him so damn much, but I don't know how to correct any of this." He shook his head and looked like he was on the verge of sobbing again. "He was telling me I went there because I wanted to get raped and he called me easy and—"

Mozzie cut him off immediately. "Don't you dare listen to any of that bullshit," Mozzie demanded. "He's an ass. You and I can both admit that. However, you know that Peter loves you more than his own life. He'd do anything and everything for you, Neal. He's not bullshitting you when he tells you he loves you."

Neal's lips parted as he tried so hard to stop himself from breaking down. "If he loves me, why did he hurt me? Why did he tell me I wanted to be raped? Does he really think I asked for this? I know I'm a _pretty boy_ and I've hated that for as long as I've lived. With this shitty 'attractiveness,' I probably am asking for rape. I bet you anything I could get raped in an instant if I walked outside right now."

"Neal," Mozzie snapped. "Stop this. He didn't mean any of that."

The younger man laughed as he began to fall to pieces. "If he didn't think it was true, he wouldn't have said it at all." He covered his face with his hands and sobbed as quietly as he could manage. Mozzie's heart wrenched at the sound. Neal sounded like he was in physical pain and Mozzie inferred that Neal's heart hurt a great deal. He knew how strongly Neal felt—especially when it came to Peter.

Mozzie didn't know how to help Neal calm down. This was Peter's area of expertise. He felt so helpless as he shifted onto the couch to sit beside Neal. Neal immediately responded when Mozzie gently pulled him close and Mozzie guessed that that was attributed to the fact that Peter always held him when he was upset.

It was a little while later before Neal quieted down. Mozzie felt ridiculous rocking back and forth slowly while rubbing Neal's back. Neal wasn't an infant, but he realized that it helped him calm down. When Neal sat up and wiped his face off, he whispered an apology. "Don't ever be sorry for that," Mozzie said softly. "Go use the bathroom to wash your face off and then I want you to get some rest. Does that sound okay?" Neal nodded, doing as Mozzie asked.

Mozzie hated Peter for all of two seconds before attempting to reach out to Peter's mind. He knew it wouldn't work, but he wished he could beg Peter to come over. It wasn't that he wanted to get Neal and all of Neal's rampant emotions out of the apartment. He didn't know how to help Neal end the pain quickly and painlessly. He hated listening to Neal cry because it made him want to cry. Neal's pain became his pain once he found out about Neal's situation. He never realized how many shadows his little brother had looming over him.

Neal came back a few minutes later, sniffling. Mozzie got up from the couch and let Neal sit down on it. "Moz…" he whispered, glancing up at his best friend. "Thank you. I'm such a pain in the ass sometimes, but thank you for…for helping me."

The older man smiled, leaning forward to kiss Neal's forehead gently. "You're my brother," he said softly. "No matter what happens, you'll always have me, Neal."

After Mozzie crawled into bed and Neal got himself under the blankets Mozzie provided, Neal checked his phone. He had two text messages from Peter. Frowning, he read them and realized it was one long message. "_Neal, this is a terrible way to go about apologizing to you, but I want you to know I'm deeply sorry for everything I said to you tonight. I wouldn't blame you if you left me for good. I was an awful husband and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. I love you to pieces, but I shouldn't have cut you into pieces the way I did. I hope you sleep well. I hope we'll talk soon._"

Neal closed his eyes and breathed heavily. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how he felt. Obviously, he was upset. He didn't know what to do about their marriage. If Peter believed everything he'd thrown at Neal earlier, then their marriage may as well be over already.

Neal exhaled shakily and opened his eyes, hitting the reply button. "I don't want to leave for good. I love you, but I need to clear my head. If you aren't happy, you don't have to stay. I'll never force you to stay. If you leave me, I'll survive. Don't feel guilty about it. I want you to be happy."

He set his phone down beside him and pulled the blanket closer around himself. It wasn't very long before his phone buzzed. He hesitantly opened the text. "_Baby, you're everything to me. I don't want to leave you at all. I was an asshole and I abused you. That's all I feel guilty about. Believe it or not, you make me happy. Living without you hurts too much._"

"Then stop hurting me." He almost hit the send button, but he stopped himself. He didn't want to sound like a dick, so he added, "I trusted you with everything that's ever happened to me and you threw it all back at me. That hurt more than anything you've ever done before. You made so many promises to me over the last four years and broke them all in less than ten minutes. I don't know when I'm going back home."

It took a little bit longer for Peter to respond this time. "_I will do everything I can to show you how sorry I am. I know better and I shouldn't have used that against you. I've never seen you in that light nor have I believed you were anything but my Neal because of it. I won't beg you to come home right now. I understand why you left and I probably would've left myself if I were you. I'll give you some space until you're ready to come home. Just please take care of yourself._"

Neal blinked quickly, clearing tears before they could fall. He quickly texted back: "I love you to death. I promise we'll talk in person soon. I need space like you said. I don't hate you. I can't hate you. You're my husband. I'm not leaving you forever. You're my everything, too, Peter. I love you and I love you with Nick. I don't want to lose what we have, but I don't want to be around you if you think I'm asking to be raped. I don't want to be around you if you think I'm a prostitute either."

Peter must be extremely sorry, Neal assumed, because he was replying to Neal's text message quickly. "_I will never say those things to you again. They're so untrue. I told you I'm an asshole and I want you to say it to me when we're together again. I want you here, baby. I want to kiss and hold you. I don't want this separation. It's getting late, so please try to get some sleep. I love you, Neal George. I love you so fucking much and I'm going to prove it to you if you let me._"

The younger man smiled sadly at his phone. "I love you just as much," was all he replied before setting his phone on the coffee table. He laid on the couch uncomfortably, but forced himself to endure it. He missed sleeping with his husband already and it hadn't even been more than two hours since he left home. He'd think about a few things before asking Peter to meet with him, but he didn't want to be gone long. Nicky's birthday is next week and he wanted to have everything settled between them before that. He'd like to be home with his husband for their son's fourteenth birthday. Neal couldn't hate Peter even after he'd said all of those awful things because Peter is the only man who ever gave him a chance and truly put effort into their relationship. He's the only one who loved Neal purely as he was rather than as sex appeal.

He didn't want their marriage to end. Peter means so much to him and his world would feel empty without the older man. Even now, only two hours later and twenty or so minutes away from home, he wanted so desperately to be in bed with Peter's arms around him.


	13. Chapter 13

"He's still asleep…" Mozzie whispered as he let Peter into the apartment. He'd approved this only because he wanted Neal to be all right and Peter seemed to have the answer to that when he thought with his brain. "If you think you can handle a friendly confrontation with your husband, I have a few errands to run." He gave Peter a leveled glare. "If you think all you're going to do by being here is upset him, then let me know now so I can grab the tissues and replace everything fragile beforehand."

Peter sighed. "I'll behave," he said quietly. "I don't want to make things worse. I'm lucky that he still loves me."

"Indeed," Mozzie said sarcastically as he glanced over at his best friend. "His mother betrayed his love and trust, Suit, and look at their relationship. If you continuously hurt him as you did last night, you may end up in that same situation—except for the fact that he'll struggle to hate you. I won't struggle to convince him if it comes to that."

Peter frowned, watching Neal as he slept. "I hate myself and I kind of wish part of him hated me, too. I was such a dick and he deserves so much better than that from me—or whoever he's with for that matter."

Mozzie returned his gaze to Peter. "He's under the impression that you two will work through this, I think. You should consider yourself a very lucky man because he never wanted to get married or have more children prior to you."

"I know how lucky I am," Peter said fiercely. "I could have lost him so many times or I could never have gotten him at all. I think about those things, Mozzie. The fact that he married me and that he's willing and excited to add to our family means so much to me." He rubbed his wedding ring, telling himself he could fix this. "He's a beautiful man beneath his pain. None of what I said to him was justified and I want to thank you for being with him at least."

There was a long silence following that until Mozzie said, "If he ever tells me that you implied that he's a whore or prostitute or whatever terminology is relevant _or_ that you called him _easy_ and accuse him of _wanting_ to be raped, I will do so much more than just threaten your life, Peter." Since Mozzie used his name, he knew the short man wasn't messing around. "I love him—not in the same way you do, but I love him nonetheless. He's important to me and I don't want to watch him fall apart or consider ending his life." He paused. "I don't want him to succeed in ending his life because you made him feel horrible about himself. I guided him through his breakup with Keller and he barely made it through that because he was in so much emotional pain." Peter's eyes watered as he let Mozzie's words sink in. "He's head over heels in love with you. If you break his heart, I don't know if I'll be able to save him this time. You damn well better fix this, Peter, because I can't let you destroy him when he's worked hard to get himself to this point."

Peter nodded slowly, reaching up to rub his eyes. "He's incredible," Peter whispered. "I would do anything to fix this and he knows that. I'll never hurt him the way Keller did. I can't lie to Neal. I can't hit him or push him around." He closed his eyes and listened to Neal's soft snoring. "I'd rather end my own life before even considering breaking him to the point where I'm the reason he wants to kill himself. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I did that to him."

Mozzie left shortly thereafter with the promise that he'd be back soon to check on them. Peter sat down on the coffee table and watched his husband sleep. His hair was a mess and Peter thought he looked gorgeous. He was wearing his sweatpants with one of Peter's white shirts. Peter loved that Neal was so comfortable. He appreciated the fact that Neal wore his clothes even after they fought. They'd be okay in the end, but he wouldn't let that be the end of it. He'd gone too far this time and Neal _did_ spend the night away from him. He hurt his husband more than he truly realized and he wanted nothing more than to be able to hold Neal against him with the knowledge that Neal loves him and that Neal _might_ forgive him.

About twenty minutes later, Neal began to stir. Peter smiled sadly at him, hoping he wouldn't make things worse by being here. "Peter," he whispered sleepily. Peter's heart leapt into his throat. Neal moaned and nuzzled his face against the pillow. When Neal froze, he knew Neal remembered he wasn't at home in his bed with his husband. The next time he said, "Peter," he sounded broken, like he was going to cry.

Peter thought about letting Neal wake up a little more, but he felt terrible as it was. He didn't want Neal to hurt more. He got onto his knees in front of the couch and tentatively stroked the younger man's hair until Neal's eyes finally opened. His eyes were watering and he looked startled to see Peter. "I'm right here," he whispered.

Neal reached out to take Peter's other hand in his, squeezing it tightly. "You're really here."

"Yes, angel. I…don't know if you want me here, but I came to see you."

The younger man sat up and pulled Peter close, hugging him. He buried his face in the crook of Peter's neck, whispering, "You're my husband. I always want you wherever I go."

Peter rubbed Neal's back, kissing Neal's hair. "That's a relief," Peter murmured. "I couldn't sleep without you."

Neal pulled back to look at Peter, concerned. "You didn't sleep?" Peter shook his head, glancing away from Neal. He felt like an idiot for admitting that to Neal, but he didn't realize Neal felt like a dick for being able to sleep while Peter couldn't. Even though his night hadn't been all that much better, he did get to sleep off and on, which was still more than what Peter got apparently. "Are you…going to work today?"

"If you don't want me to, then no."

Neal bit his lip. He didn't know what to do. Mozzie would probably hate him if he went right back to Peter after all that he'd said. Neal knew Mozzie wouldn't hesitate to beat the shit out of Peter if he had the chance to—especially since Peter said all of those awful things. The thing is, he realized that line of thought was ridiculous. Mozzie was trying to convince him that Peter didn't mean all of those horrible things he spat at Neal last night. If his best friend was trying to push him in the direction of making things better with his husband and if he'd willingly let Peter into the apartment, then Mozzie must be all right with the situation. That relieved Neal because he wouldn't have to convince Mozzie to leave Peter alone. "Stay with me," Neal whispered. "We'll… We'll go home and talk. If all goes well and we're okay, we can get some sleep together."

Peter pecked Neal's lips. "I like the sound of that, baby."

Neal grabbed his things and was getting ready to leave while Peter waited patiently by the door. Neal paused at the dining room table before turning to face Peter. The older man gave him a concerned look the moment he turned towards him. "If at any point you plan on making me feel better or feel like making it up to me, I am going to tell you right now: no sex." Peter nodded. "I'm not saying we're never having sex again. I just don't want makeup sex. We're talking this out. I don't want to fuck our problems away because they'll fester until we can't stand each other anymore."

"I wouldn't feel comfortable making love to you if we're tense anyway, angel," Peter whispered. "There's no point in doing it if we aren't relaxed and able to enjoy it with each other for what it is. I'm entirely with you when you say we're going to talk about this. I…bet you have a lot to say to me."

The younger man sighed. "I'm really hurt, but I'm not a dick, Peter. We both piss each other off at times. Last night, I just happened to piss you off more than any other time."

Peter shook his head vehemently, stepping towards Neal quickly. "That doesn't give me the right to make you run away," he said fiercely. "I've never seen you so afraid of _me_ before last night and that was incredibly painful in itself. I can't imagine how I made you feel." He took Neal's hands in his and stared into his husband's eyes. "I love you so damn much, Neal, and last night showed you that I'm such an asshole. I don't know why you still want to be with me after everything I said. Those were the worst things I could have _ever_ said to you."

"I married you," Neal whispered, frowning. "You're my husband. I want to spend my life with you. If I didn't want to commit myself to this for good, I wouldn't have gone through with it." Peter knew that. Neal didn't see a future for himself because of his past relationships and then Peter gave him all the right reasons to reconsider. "I'm not divorcing you because you called me a whore who wants to be raped." Peter cringed, feeling like a major jackass. "I didn't want to be around you after that, but that doesn't mean I'm not in love with you. I love you a hell of a lot, Peter. If this is going to work, we need to talk through this. I want to understand why you said all that you did. I want to know why you kept hurting me and why you brought everything that could ever hurt me up."

The older man nodded, closing his eyes. "I'm not going to make excuses. You want honesty and I'll give it to you. After last night, you deserve that and then some." He opened his eyes and saw the sadness in Neal's. "I don't want you to leave me, Neal."

"I'd leave for the night. I'm not leaving _you._"

"I would deserve it if you chose to," Peter murmured.

Neal pulled his hands away from Peter's and lifted them to caress the sides of Peter's face. "I love you so much, Peter. I don't want to leave unless you tell me you don't love me. We're not going to have that perfect marriage they used to show on television. We're not always going to be happy with each other and all enthusiastic about damn near everything." He rubbed Peter's cheekbones slowly with his thumbs. "You and I are Peter and Neal. We're not the Brady Bunch. I'll get mad at you and you'll get mad at me. We're functional because we realize we're human—that we both make mistakes. I'm not afraid to admit to you that I fuck up. I know I fucked up last night and—"

"No. You did nothing wrong." Neal looked like he didn't believe Peter. "I wish you would have asked me to go with you when you went to see Keller, but what's done is done. _I_ fucked up the moment I mentioned rape."

The younger man sighed. "I want to go home. Can we finish this there?" Peter nodded and Neal lowered his hands, taking Peter's right hand in his left. He glanced up at his husband and tentatively leaned towards him until Peter realized what he wanted and closed the distance between them, kissing him gently.

•◊•

Neal and Peter sat at their dining room table across from each other as usual. They didn't know where to start, so it was just awkward silence at the moment. Peter kept glancing at his husband warily, expecting Neal to give up and leave him again. Neal looked really sad and Peter didn't know what to say that would immediately change that. He took a silent, deep breath. Upon exhaling, he murmured, "I'm sorry for everything." Neal finally looked at him and Peter was relieved to see some light spark in Neal's eyes. "In all honesty, I don't know what was wrong with me last night. I was really pissed at you and then I just started spewing all of these awful things that I never should have thought about or said aloud."

"Tell me what was going through your mind," Neal whispered.

Peter sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a moment. "I didn't and still don't understand why you went to see him without me. You didn't even attempt to ask me." He opened his eyes and frowned. "I love you and I know what he's done to you in the past. He never did to you what Vincent and Craig did, but he still hurt you and I hate him." Neal gave him a sad smile that Peter wanted to kiss until it became a real smile. "You're my husband and I don't like when you're hurt. You broke down when you found out Vincent was out of prison. I don't want you to put yourself in a position where you're confronting your past and coming out of it worse than you were when you went in." He paused and then stammered, "That's not my way of saying you're weak. God, no. I'm just… I'm trying to say that you're sensitive to your past. Matthew beat the hell out of you one too many times and he played with your heart and mind when you were with him. I hate that you wanted to see him. He broke your heart and sent you spiraling into a depression you had a hard time pulling yourself out of. He's the reason all of your relationships were mostly for sexual purposes." Neal's lips parted and Peter noticed. He assumed he was saying all of the wrong things, but he kept going because Neal wanted his honesty now. "You were afraid to trust and give your heart to another man because of him. They all used you and it was _his_ fault."

Neal was quiet for a few moments and then he nodded slowly. "I understand," Neal said quietly. "I'm sorry, Peter. I should've known better than to confront him when I was already vulnerable." He wasn't sure if he even wanted to mention that he'd planned on seeing Craig as well. That would probably spark holy hell in his husband. "Do you think I can't handle my past without you at my side?" he asked softly.

"I think you could," Peter said. "After all, you survived sixteen years following the day you ran away from home and I was never there for you then." He sighed and rested his elbow on the table, palming his forehead. "I never wanted to smother you and I realize I'm doing that to you a lot. I completely took over your life when you came out of the hell that Craig put you through. I've been too pushy with you, but I've been afraid to pretend everything's fine." He met Neal's eyes and pleaded with him silently. "I was afraid of where our relationship was headed when you tried to kill yourself. Neal, I don't know if I make you happy enough to _want_ to live."

The younger man reached across the table to hold Peter's other hand. "I'm happy with you and I appreciate everything you did for me after what happened with Craig. I don't think I could have survived that alone and I'm truly sorry for what I put you through." He rubbed Peter's wedding ring before closing his eyes, bowing his head. "I know I'm messed up and—"

Peter immediately cut him off. "There's nothing wrong with you," he said tightly. "You're the best husband a man could ever ask for, Neal. You love me unconditionally, respect me, and make me smile… You're a wonderful human being and I'm proud to call you mine." He squeezed Neal's hand, waiting for Neal's head to lift up. When he didn't raise his head, Peter continued. "What they did to you was horrible. Neal, I can't tell you how I'd feel if I were in your position because I honestly have no idea. I can't read your mind, baby, but I know you're suffering even when you don't show it. I blame Vincent because he was the first to hurt you. His demon-child spawned directly from hell went after you because of him."

"What you don't understand is that my relationship wasn't all bad with Matthew," Neal whispered. "It was nice at first. He took me on dates and we did a lot of things together. I don't know when the evil kicked in, but it was like that for a while. He started beating me when he came home drunk one night and accused me of fucking someone I didn't even know." Neal breathed shakily and lifted his head. His eyes were watering and Peter's heart clenched. "After that first time, he just beat me whenever he was pissed off. He said I was cheating on him repeatedly and told me I was good for nothing. He didn't need drinks to spark his need. He just took one look at me and thought 'whore' before grabbing me." Peter intertwined his fingers with Neal's, listening to his husband. He didn't know _everything_ about Neal and Matthew, but he knew Matthew was a bastard. Neal started crying and Peter didn't know what to do. "He forced me into sex a few times. I feel disgusting to admit this to you, but he…made me play with his toys. He was rough and I didn't like it."

The older man had more reason to hate Keller now. Even after all this time, the thought of what Keller had done was enough to make his husband cry. "Neal, you don't have to tell me this if it upsets you," Peter whispered.

Neal shook his head. "You know I was a whore. He used objects I'm not going to tell you about. There was one night when he brought another man home with him and they wanted to have a threesome." Peter's eyes widened and Neal's fingers clenched around Peter's. "I'm fucking stupid. I let it happen because Matthew wanted it. They both fucked me and it was awful."

"At the same time?" Peter asked tentatively. Neal nodded, his lips trembling. "Neal, it's okay. It's in the past. That will never happen to you again, baby. You're the only man I ever want to make love to and I don't want to bring anyone else into our bed."

"I feel sick," Neal said, choking back a sob. "I'm so disgusting and stupid. I'm a horrible person, Peter. I had my son with me by this point and I was letting two men fuck me. What kind of God damn role model was I?"

Peter gently pulled Neal's hand when Neal tried to get up and leave. "He was a baby during all of this, Neal. He will never know about this," Peter whispered. "What you're telling me will stay between _us._"

"The sick fuck told me he was talking to Vincent and Craig about me in prison. It was disgusting and I had a sick dream about it." Peter's heart hurt so much as he watched his husband sob. "I'm married and I had a dream about all three of them fucking me, Peter. What the hell is wrong with me?"

This time, he wrenched his hand out of Peter's and backed his chair up. He stood and briskly walked into the living room with Peter following him. Peter touched Neal's back before wrapping his arms around his husband's torso. He closed his eyes and breathed against Neal's hair. "Neal, relax, honey."

Neal grabbed Peter's arms and held onto them, breathing heavily. "The dream made it look like I wanted it. Like you said last night. I wanted them to rape me." Neal shut his eyes tightly. "I don't want to be raped," he whispered brokenly. "I don't want them to hurt me like that. I don't want any of them to touch me again."

"I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen to you, angel." He kissed the back of Neal's neck, gently squeezing his husband. "Neal, I don't think you're disgusting. Keller and I put these thoughts into your head with all of the shitty things we said to you. I never meant to hurt you like that. Keller doesn't give two shits about you, so he probably wanted you to imagine it and suffer."

"Were you pissed at me because you're as afraid as I am?" Neal asked, gasping for breath as he cried.

Peter nodded. "Yes," he said fiercely. "What he did to you broke your heart, your self-esteem, and made you feel terrified to trust someone else. I'm afraid that you're going to look at yourself in the mirror one day and see yourself doing those things again. Neal, I thought you were hurting yourself by seeing him and I know that you'll try to kill yourself if you hurt yourself enough. You beat yourself up emotionally until you come to the conclusion that you're so unworthy of living and of being loved by someone unconditionally."

Neal turned his head slightly and Peter nuzzled his face against Neal's. "I'm in love with you—you're my husband, my soulmate. You're my safe haven," he whispered. "Everything that happened last night hurt so much only because you've always treated me like I'm normal. Last night, you made me feel anything but normal."

"Baby, you're the love of my life," Peter murmured, kissing Neal's temple. "You've always been my Neal. I don't care about your past _that_ way. I can't look at you and be disgusted because of how those monsters mistreated you. You were never at fault." Neal opened his eyes a little, his lips still parted as he tried to calm himself down. "Keller played with you, Neal. You were in love with him and he stabbed you in the back. Vincent used and abused you for being young and vulnerable. He used your mother as a way to coerce you into sex. And Craig… That monster used _me_ to hurt you." He shuddered as he hugged Neal tighter. "I never wanted him to hurt you. I would have taken it for you, Neal. I'd let him hurt me because you've been hurt enough."

"I can't bear the thought of him raping you," Neal whispered. "It's awful. I hate myself and struggle almost every single day to find one thing I like about myself. I have wanted to die so many times because I feel so broken and useless. Craig made me bleed and I thought he was doing so much damage to me inside because he was relentless. He laughed at me when I screamed and begged him to stop. It only encouraged him." Peter could feel Neal trembling against him. "I was raped before. I never want you to experience that. I never want you to feel like you aren't good enough for me. I'm a broken toy that could be easily replaced, Peter. You're that one person who saves his broken things because he wants to fix them up and play with them again."

Peter kissed Neal's cheek repeatedly, shutting his eyes to keep himself from crying. "I couldn't let you go if I tried," he whispered fiercely. "I've never wanted to fix you. I've wanted to help you and heal you. They hurt you and I want to make you feel better about yourself. You could have left me forever because I abused you in ways that were comparable to what they'd done to you. Everything I said to you was _emotional_ rape. I said what I wanted to say and hurt you. They had sex with you because they wanted it and they left you behind when they were done with you." Neal turned in Peter's arms, pressing his hands against Peter's chest. Peter's arms wrapped around him and held him close. "I'm never going to be done with you," he whispered. "I want you in my life, Neal. I want to love you and I want you to believe me when I tell you I love you. The last thing I've ever wanted to do was become one of them and I may as well have become all three of them because I scared you, made you cry, and made you run away."

•◊•

Peter snuggled closer to Neal, ghosting his fingers over Neal's abdomen. Neal's fingers were tangled in his hair and he was able to listen to the younger man's heart beat. They were all right now. Neal vented some and so did Peter. It was a good compromise between the two of them that helped a lot. They made each other understand their points of view.

They'd finished their conversation two hours ago and they spent forty-five minutes making love with each other afterwards. Neal seemed reluctant, but he'd initiated it. "Are you okay?" Peter asked softly.

"Yeah," Neal whispered, cradling the back of Peter's head. "I'm just…thinking." He glanced to his left to look at Peter's nightstand, seeing pictures Peter took with the addition of a wedding picture Jon had taken. He loved Peter's pictures of the two of them because it reminded him that the good outweighed the bad in their relationship. Neal realized how happy he looked in those pictures and he saw it in Peter as well.

Peter looked up at him. "Do you want to talk about it or would you rather not?"

Neal sighed, stroking Peter's hair. "I'm concerned now. Are we going to be stable enough to take care of the twins when they're born? I mean, we just had sex, but… That doesn't necessarily mean we're out of the woods yet."

"I think we'll be okay if I think before going off on you," Peter whispered. "We'll make it through this, hon. I told you that." Peter rubbed Neal's stomach slowly. "I need to talk to Nicky and make sure he knows we're okay. He was pissed at me last night and I tried to promise him that I'd have you home today. Fortunately, you made sure I wasn't a liar."

The younger man chuckled. "Nicky loves you, Peter. He defended me because he's my baby. He feels the way I feel sometimes and vice versa." Peter laid his head on Neal's chest again. "You're his poppa. He'll forgive you when he sees that I've forgiven you. You didn't do anything to me that would make him hate you. He was just as upset as I was."

Peter pushed himself up and Neal felt like Peter was going to leave until Peter shifted to lay on top of Neal, kissing Neal's jaw. "I wasn't upset that he took your side. You're his daddy. You're the one he'll always side with and I'm okay with that. He made me realize how much of a dick I was to you before and after you left. He wouldn't talk to me this morning."

"We'll all sit down together when he gets home, okay?"

"Yes, angel."

They laid together quietly for a while. Neal kept thinking about things. He tried to tell himself Peter would never hurt him that badly ever again and he was beginning to believe himself. If Nicky still wouldn't talk to Peter, he'd fix the bond between them. He didn't want Nicky to avoid Peter like the plague when everything was fine. Neal confided in Peter all of the sexual abuse he'd undergone while with Keller that he'd failed to mention before because he'd been afraid to do so. Peter was nothing but supportive and reassuring. No matter what Neal said to his husband, Peter wasn't running away.

By the time two o'clock rolled around, Peter was asleep and Neal was slipping out of bed to get dressed. He quickly got himself ready to go and left to head down to Nicky's school to grab him. He sat in the Corvette and waited for the bell to ring so he could head over and pick his son up. For the time being, he was distracting himself by playing Angry Birds on his phone.

He startled when someone knocked on the window. He glanced up and his heart nearly stopped. He thanked God for car door locks in that moment. Adler was standing beside the car, smirking at him. He glanced away and Neal quickly reached into the backseat to grab his gun. He subtly held it as he rolled the window down a bit—enough to hear and speak to Adler. "Hey, baby," Adler said seductively. "What do you say to coming home with me tonight?"

"Um, how does 'go fuck yourself' sound?"

"Sounds like you want your baby boy to suffer through some really rough sex."

Neal's anger flared and he unlocked the car door, opening it to slam it against Vincent. He twisted himself at an angle to hide his gun from the school's view, but made damn sure Vincent saw it. "You touch my boy and I will kill you," Neal hissed. "Isn't it enough to know you fucked me? What good will it do to threaten me and consider fucking my son?"

Adler shrugged. "Because he's as pretty as you were," he whispered. "I'd love to kiss those lips of his and suck at his neck." Adler moaned and Neal felt physically ill. "I'd love to shove my cock in him so deep that he—"

Neal didn't give a fuck anymore. He didn't even hesitate to shoot Vincent then. In that moment, he truly didn't care if he killed him or not. Unfortunately, he didn't die. He fell to his knees, clutching his side while hissing painfully. "I have several bullets left if you'd like to keep going." Vincent glared up at Neal. "I'm an FBI agent. I'm legally permitted to have this gun and I can proclaim self-defense as well as the defense of unarmed children and school faculty since we're in a school zone. You don't need to be armed to go back to prison. You're a God damn pedophile, you son of a bitch."

"Bet your husband loves that kind of talk in bed," Vincent said, grunting in pain.

"Don't even try to tell me you know my husband," Neal snapped. "Peter's a thousand times the man you are."

Vincent laughed bitterly. "He certainly was when he watched Craig escort you upstairs to fuck you ruthlessly." Neal grit his teeth and placed his gun right against Vincent's temple, barely refraining from pulling the trigger. "You love me, Neal. Admit it. You can't kill me."

Neal stared at the man who'd raped him as a teenager, who'd stolen his innocence and his childhood from him, who'd turned his mother against him. He felt no remorse when he considered shooting Vincent. The only thing that stopped him was that he knew he wasn't that guy. He wasn't going to murder someone because he'd been hurt. There was no justice in that. "I _hate_ you," Neal said fiercely. He spat at Vincent and reached into the car to grab his handcuffs. Vincent was sitting against the car, staring up at Neal.

"Your mother would hate you if you killed me."

"Like I give a damn," Neal said, laughing mirthlessly. "My mother is dead to me. I could honestly care less if she hates me. She's your whore instead of my mother and that's how it's been since you came into our lives, you bastard. You took my mother from me. You made her a druggie and an alcoholic. You made her give less than a fuck about me. You forced her to give you permission to rape me. The mother I had as a kid before you came into my life is gone. She left the day she met you and was replaced by a woman I can't recognize."

"She never loved you."

Neal knelt down and grabbed Vincent's wrists, forcing him roughly to twist. He pulled Vincent's arms behind him and handcuffed him. "She did once," he said quietly. "Then you came along." He pulled Vincent up and shoved him against the Corvette. "Huh," he said, laughing. "This is kind of funny considering the first time you fucked me. Remember pinning my arms behind me, threatening me that you'd kill my mother if I screamed?" Vincent didn't respond. "I know you'll never forget every moment you stole from me. Savor the fact that I'm not going to kill you today." He pulled his phone out of his pocket, clutching his gun tightly in the other and made a call. "Jones, I need you to bring a small team to Ascension—my son's school. I have Vincent Adler in custody." Jones was telling Neal that he was nearby and would be over in less than five minutes. "Fantastic. I'll be here."

"Too much of a little bitch to have your husband come get me?"

Neal laughed. "Nah. I know he'd rip you to shreds in an instant." Vincent shut up then. He feared Neal's husband more than Neal himself. "I'd prefer it if you were locked up, honestly. You can rot in hell and wither away."

"You're going to hell, you little gay bastard."

"Aren't you gay? I mean, last I knew, fucking a boy or a man _as_ a man is considered an act of homosexuality." Adler was silent. He had no words to say to that. He could claim to be heterosexual all he wanted and Neal would still suggest Adler was homosexual because of what he'd done. Neal was able to do this without panicking because he knew Nicky would be safe and he had Adler handcuffed at gunpoint. Talking to Peter, admitting to everything he'd done with Adler's son, helped him. The fact that Peter made love to him as sweetly as he always did after all of that made him realize he was truly loved. He could tell Peter about anything and Peter wouldn't leave him. With Peter at his side, he felt stronger. His wedding ring felt like the Green Lantern's ring in a way and he rolled his eyes at himself mentally because he'd been watching too many episodes of _Justice League_ with Nicky.

When Jones showed up, his team grabbed Vincent and threw him into the back of a cruiser. Neal watched as Adler was taken away and he was proud of himself. He'd refrained from killing the bastard and becoming someone he wasn't. He'd faced his fear of Adler and shot him enough to incapacitate him and then he'd even gone so far as to cuff him until Jones arrived. "Neal," Jones breathed. "Are you all right? Where's Peter?"

"Peter's at home," Neal said quietly. "I'm just fine, Jones. I was sitting in the car since Nicky gets out soon and the son of a bitch knocked on the window." He shook his head. "I want him locked up elsewhere. Don't put him back with Matthew Keller and Craig Laird. They're all conspiring together."

Jones nodded. "I'll make sure he's isolated." The school bell rang and Jones glanced over for a moment before returning his gaze to Neal. "I'll let you get your son. I'm glad you're all right, kid."

Neal smiled at the other agent. "Thanks." He crossed the street as Jones and his team left. He waited outside of the school with the other parents for the kids to come out and found Trent's mom. He talked to her for a few minutes until Nicky came out and barreled into him. "Hey, kiddo," Neal said, chuckling as he stroked Nicky's hair.

"Daddy," he said softly. Trenton walked over to his mother and smiled at Nicky. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

Nicky backed up and met his father's eyes. "Am I going with you back to Uncle Mozzie's apartment?"

Neal shook his head. "Poppa and I spent the day together. We talked and everything's okay, Nicky. I went home and I'm gonna take you home."

The teenager grinned, thrilled to hear that. He glanced back at Trent before looking at Neal again. "Can I have Trent over for my birthday, dad?" As Neal was about to say that'd be fine, Nicky added, "Maybe a sleepover?"

"If his mother's okay with it," he said, glancing at Trent's mom. She smiled and nodded. "I'm fine with it. I can pick you both up after school if you want to bring your things to school, Trent, or I can take you home to get your stuff and then take you to our house."

Trent grinned. "I can bring my stuff to school and go home with you, Mister Burke."

Neal smiled wryly at the teenager. "Just call me Neal, goofy kid. I told you before to call me Neal. No 'Mister' anything, 'kay?" Trent nodded, smiling at Neal.

Nicky was so excited now and Neal was happy to see that. They discussed party plans for the two of them and Neal and Peter. Nicky didn't want anybody else to come over, which Neal decided was fine. If Nicky ended up falling in love with Trent down the road, he'd force Nicky to make a few more friends, but he'd understand not wanting anyone else to intrude on their plans. He and Peter were the same way.

They were about to split up and head to their respective homes, but Trent reached out for Neal's hand and looked up at him fearfully. Neal smiled at him, trying to figure out what Trent wanted. "Neal, can I ask you something?" he whispered.

Neal nodded. "Sure." He glanced at Nicky. "If you want to go wait in the car, it's unlocked, baby." Nicky nodded and carefully crossed the street with Neal watching. "What's up, Trent?" he asked once he returned his gaze to his son's best friend.

"Would it be…weird if I called you my dad?" Neal looked a little confused. "You're always nice to me and I'm with Nicky a lot. You bought me some really cool presents for my birthday and… You're just an awesome dad. I'm kinda jealous that you're Nicky's."

Neal was touched by that. "I don't see a problem with that," he said softly. Trent stepped closer and hugged Neal. Neal stroked Trent's hair, smiling down at the boy. "You're always welcome to our house, Trent. You're practically like a son to me as it is—causing havoc when you play in the game room with Nicky." Trent giggled as he stepped back. "You're a great kid, Trent. I'm glad you and Nicky are close. You're part of the family, kiddo."

They finally parted and Neal smiled as he made his way over to his son. He'd never expected that from Trent, but it was really sweet. He liked the kid a lot and had a feeling he'd be around for a long time, so he may as well let Trent call him whatever he felt comfortable with. It wasn't like he didn't already feel like Trent's dad. He usually took Trent and Nicky wherever they wanted to go. Trent may as well be his son sometimes. He knew Trent's mom appreciated that Trent had him and Peter every now and then—proper father figures. He really didn't mind if Trent wanted to call him dad.

When he got into the car, Nicky talked about his day at school and explained how he'd been upset with Peter for saying such cruel things to Neal. Neal reached over and stroked Nicky's hair as he talked about how he'd ignored Peter after Neal left as well as this morning. He hadn't even said bye to Peter after he'd gotten dropped off because he'd been so upset. He was sad that he'd ignored his poppa, but he was excited that his fathers were okay now. "Poppa's not mad at me, right?"

"God, no, baby. He has no reason to be mad at you. He's mad at himself, but everything's okay now." When they got home, Neal was surprised that Peter was still asleep. He decided to help Nicky with his homework and then get dinner started so it'd be ready by the time Peter woke up. He smiled as he listened to Nicky talk to him. He was happy to be home even though he knew he hadn't been gone long. He missed his baby and his husband. Glancing at Nicky, he was thrilled that the teenager was happier now. Last night was rough for all of them. Peter and Neal turned on each other and Nicky turned on Peter. The family relationship could have easily been compromised if Neal and Peter hadn't worked things out, so he was glad the two of them spent the day together trying to work through their problems. They needed each other more than they realized at times, especially since they wanted to raise a family together. Without the other, the family wouldn't feel complete.


	14. Chapter 14

"You _what?_"

Neal shrugged. "I shot him."

Peter looked incredulous, wishing he'd been there to see Neal in action. "Baby... Wow." Neal's brows furrowed. He didn't understand why Peter was so surprised. "I'm very proud of you. I wish I could have seen it myself, honestly."

Neal's face heated up. He smiled at Peter shyly. Hearing that Peter was proud of him always made him feel better about himself. Part of him didn't want to believe that he needed Peter to approve his actions, but he realized how much he really did need Peter to be proud of him. Even Nicky was grinning at him. "He was making sick comments that got to me. The only way to make him shut up was to shoot him."

Nicky went over to his father and hugged him. "Daddy, can I borrow your phone to call Trent?"

Neal groaned quietly. "I suppose." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked his phone, handing it to his son. "Half an hour, Nick—forty-five minutes at the latest. You have a project to work on since you didn't want to start before dinner." Nicky took off, grinning, to head down to the game room so he could call Trent.

Peter reached across the table and rubbed Neal's knuckles. "I'm glad you're all right," he whispered.

The younger man smiled at his husband for a moment before it faltered. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Nicky closed the basement door before turning back to his husband. "He was threatening to hurt Nick," he whispered. There was a moment of silence before Neal shook his head. "_Hurt_ is putting it mildly."

"Neal," Peter whispered.

"You don't realize how painful it is to hear a bastard like him tell you he wants to fuck your son," Neal said brokenly. "He had the guts to say it to me and I pulled my gun on him. It was probably not the best way of going about things, but I injured him and cuffed him." He met Peter's eyes and swallowed hard. "I'm weak," he whispered, "but I won't hesitate to defend my family."

Peter intertwined his fingers with Neal's. "You're not weak," he muttered. "I love you, Neal. I love how protective you are even if it's harmful to yourself. You—"

"I'd let myself be raped time and time again if it meant you were safe," he whispered fiercely. Peter didn't know what to say. "If I fell to pieces and cracked enough to be legally defined as insane, I wouldn't give a damn. I'd go down in flames knowing I protected you. You're not the only one who'd do anything for his husband."

The older man got up from his seat and fear flashed across Neal's expression for a brief moment. "Hon," he said gently, raising his hands to chest level. Neal swallowed and nodded, looking away from his husband. When Peter came around to stand beside him, Neal looked up at him again. "Neal, you are the most beautiful man I know," he whispered, stroking Neal's hair. "As much as it's killed me to watch you live your life with the burden of—"

"Peter, don't," Neal whispered. "You're my one true love. You're not a burden. Saving you wasn't a burden."

Peter dragged Nicky's chair closer and sat in it, taking Neal's hand in both of his. "You did something for me that I will never be able to thank you for," Peter said sadly. "You will truly do anything to protect the people you love and I know that. I have never doubted that. Honey, you don't deserve that… I understand why you did it and I'm not going to tell you that it meant nothing to me." He saw pain in Neal's eyes, but pressed on. "What you did for me… Neal, you're my hero. I would have taken anything from him if it saved your life. I never wanted him to hurt you and he almost took you from me forever."

Neal smiled sadly at his husband. "When Vincent raped me, I let it happen because he threatened my mother. I learned from that experience that I shouldn't do something to hurt myself if the person I was trying to save didn't give a damn about me," he whispered. "When Craig taunted me, I knew I couldn't let him hurt you. Peter, you're a fantastic man and an excellent father. I knew you loved me for who I am and I think some small part of me knew you'd help me. I saved you from the physical abuse he put me through and _you_ saved my life before he could take it." He leaned forward and kissed Peter, closing his eyes. When they parted, he whispered, "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you or Nicky. If I thought Nicky was going to suffer, I'd give my body up in an instant to protect him. I did it for you, Peter, and I don't regret it. I hurt myself by doing that and it was well worth it in the end because you're still the wonderful man you were the day I made that decision."

"It isn't fair," Peter said petulantly. "He could have killed you. Losing you would have destroyed me, Neal. Don't risk your life for me because you don't want me to change. I'd be just fine. You don't deserve that kind of pain, baby."

"You wouldn't be just fine," Neal insisted. "Having your insides torn up by a monster who _wants_ you to bleed would change you. You saw what it did to me. Peter, you're stronger than I am and I know you're strong enough to help me. You got me through all of that. I know that if I gave myself up for you or for Nicky that you'd come for me and that you'd help me because I know you love me."

Peter shook his head. "You'd be able to help me if our positions were reversed."

"Maybe," Neal whispered. He took his left hand away from Peter's hands and lifted it to stroke Peter's cheek. "But I don't want you to know how it feels and I hope to God I can protect both of you from that. I don't want you to change, Peter. I love you as you are and seeing you as damaged as I am wouldn't just kill me. It would _murder_ me to see you in such extensive pain and misery."

"You think I didn't feel that way?" Peter asked incredulously, his eyes widening.

Neal was quick to recover. "I do think you felt that way. I just… Peter." Peter's brows drew together in concern as Neal just stared at him sadly. "Nothing I say to you will ever give you reason to justify what I did for you. Telling you I did it to save you won't ease your own pain. Don't fight me on this. Just listen to me and accept that I wouldn't hesitate to let someone hurt me if it kept my husband and son safe from harm."

Peter nodded reluctantly, glancing away from Neal for a few moments until Neal rose from his seat and planted a gentle kiss against his husband's forehead. The two cleared off the dining room table and did dishes together before heading into the living room to sit on the couch together. Neal's head was in Peter's lap and Peter was stroking Neal's hair. "Do you mind if I bring up something completely irrelevant to our previous discussion?" Peter whispered. Neal shook his head, giving Peter a small smile. "We haven't discussed this at all, but… We should probably start thinking about names for the babies. They'll be here soon and all we have right now is Boy and Girl."

Neal chuckled and nodded. "Okay. You choose the boy's first name and I'll choose his middle name. I'll choose the girl's first name and you choose her middle name. What do you think?"

"Joseph," Peter said instantly. "We can call him Joey for short."

Neal smiled at the older man. "Joey Jon Burke," he said quietly. Peter gave him such an affectionate smile that Neal understood. "I love your dad. I feel like it's only fair to give him a little more credit."

Peter laughed quietly, resting his hand on Neal's chest just above his heart. "All right. I like it, baby. Any thoughts for the girl's name?"

"Gabriella." He rested his hand above Peter's hand. "It's what I would have named Nicky if I'd known about him in the first place and if he'd turned out to be a daughter rather than a son."

"It's beautiful." Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal's chest, thinking about the middle name for their daughter. "Gabriella Lynn Burke." Neal grinned at him and Peter took that as a good thing. "We could call her Gabby if she talks too much—or Brie. Either way, Gabriella is beautiful."

Neal laughed and Peter's heart fluttered at the sound of it. Neal's laugh warmed his heart. Peter watched his husband sit up and scoot back a bit until Peter decided to grab Neal and pull him into his lap, wrapping his arms around Neal's waist. "That wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. It honestly took me longer to name Nicky."

Peter kissed Neal's jaw. "Joey Jon and Gabby Lynn."

"Alternatively, Joey Jon and Brie Lynn," Neal commented, laughing quietly. "Wow. You know, it's so much nicer to have a partner to discuss this with. It took me a few days to think up Nicolas James. For one, I had no idea what his first name should've been. His middle name was dedicated to my father, but I didn't know what kind of man my father was at that point—not that he's a terrible person now, but he did kill someone."

Peter nodded. "Understandable. Where did Nicolas come from?"

Neal's cheeks heated up. "Honestly, I'm gonna sound really childish. I was inspired by Santa Claus—Saint Nick. Granted, I used the French variation of Nicholas. I like how Nicolas looks without the 'h' in it."

"That's cute," Peter said, awed.

The younger man laughed lightly. "I told him stories about Santa Claus when he turned four up until he turned eight and he really loved it. He liked that I named him after Santa."

Peter kissed Neal's lips this time, kissing him passionately. He loved Neal even more. He hadn't realized the innocent and sweet meaning behind Nicky's name and he loved it. Even at twenty-two, nearly twenty-three, Neal was children oriented. Neal's descriptions of Christmas prior to running away from home were vague, empty, and rather disappointing. Peter loved that Neal encouraged the child's imagination. At thirteen almost fourteen, Nicky still believed in Santa. Unfortunately, Neal knew it was coming to an end. Trent and Nicky believed in Santa, but other kids were hinting to them both that their parents were behind all of the presents Santa left at Christmas. Until Nicky asked him about it, he decided to let Nicky believe what he wanted to believe.

He found out too early and it was a big letdown. That was one other thing Vincent ruined for him and he was determined to let his own son imagine something he wished he'd been able to believe in longer. Peter found out when he'd found a receipt on the kitchen counter one morning when he was twelve. It hadn't bothered him at all. If anything, he was thrilled to ask for realistic presents rather than asking Santa to craft something that didn't exist. "God, I love you," Peter whispered against Neal's lips when they parted briefly. "You're such a damn kid deep down and I _love_ it."

Neal smiled. "Really?" Peter kissed him again and Neal took that as a yes. Giggling when he pulled away from Peter, he whispered, "I always liked the idea of Santa and his reindeer. I used to draw stuff like that when I was a kid and I did a few drawings for Nicky as he was growing up that probably ended up getting thrown away at some point, but he was always thrilled. In turn, his excitement excited me. He's a happy kid and I wanted to make damn sure I kept him happy."

"Do you think you could do that for the twins?" Peter asked tentatively.

The light in Neal's eyes made Peter's heart skip a beat. "I'd love to," he said enthusiastically. "I'm all for anything that makes the kids happy. I did a lot of ridiculous things when Nicky was little because they made him laugh." He leaned closer to Peter and closed his eyes as Peter's arms rubbed him gently. "I love hearing my baby laugh," he whispered, "and I hope I can do the same with the twins. I really like being a dad even though it was difficult when I was alone and when I'd just gotten Nicky. He was like the trial run and I think I did an okay job with him."

"Okay is an understatement, baby. You've heard what he's said about the kids' at school's dads. None of them sound like _you_ and I know Nicky admires you because you're a great daddy." He kissed the corner of Neal's mouth. "You're fantastic with children, honey. I highly doubt you're incapable of making children laugh. You did a great job with Nick and I trust that you'll be the best daddy ever for Joey and Gabby."

"That means a lot coming from you," Neal whispered. "I love kids. I love having a kid even though he's a pain in the ass sometimes. I mean, hell, I guess I did something right if he jumped to protect me on the spot."

Peter nodded. "I agree. If he didn't love you so much, he wouldn't have tried to keep you safe from me when I was being an ass. You _are_ a great daddy, hon. Nicky's the proof of that. You raised a good boy and he truly loves you."

•◊•

Neal woke up early Thursday morning and, after kissing his sleeping husband, went down into the kitchen to start baking a cake for his son. He felt strangely awake at three-thirty in the morning, so he got up. His son was turning fourteen today and he was happy for several reasons. His baby will smile when he sees the birthday presents he and Peter bought Nicky, he and Peter are taking Nicky and Trent out for dinner, and Nicky made it past his thirteenth birthday without problems Neal spent the whole year worrying about.

He had his headphones in while he was working, so he had no idea Peter was standing in the archway leading to the kitchen. He was leaning against the arch, smiling as he watched his husband. Neal was singing quietly and Peter loved it. He couldn't help snickering a bit when Neal got into a particularly upbeat song and started dancing in front of the counter he was working on. This was a side of Neal he wanted to see more often. This carefree man who sang and danced just because he was happy to do so was someone he cherished.

Neal turned as he was dancing and jumped when he saw Peter smiling at him. He exhaled heavily, closing his eyes for a moment as he took his headphones off. "Jesus Christ. Give a guy a little bit of a warning, will ya?"

"Where's the fun in that, my love?"

The younger man rolled his eyes. "_Fun._ You must enjoy giving me heart attacks then, darling." Peter straightened up and walked over to his husband as he was bent over, putting the cake into the oven. Before Neal could get up, Peter pressed himself against his husband's ass and slid his hands up Neal's back, eliciting a shiver and a moan from his husband. "Is this another kink of yours?"

"I like watching you cook," Peter murmured. "You tend to bend over a lot."

Neal smirked. "Well, we have time to make a little love while we wait for the cake if you'd like." Peter moaned, loving how that sounded. Neal straightened up and turned towards Peter and Peter immediately lifted Neal up onto the countertop as Neal initiated a deep kiss. He was so thankful to only have a robe on, but he wanted to get Neal out of his sweatpants and lingerie. Neal wrapped his legs around the older man, crossing his ankles behind Peter, resting his hands on Peter's shoulders.

When Peter pulled away to take a breather, he whispered, "Are you against letting me fuck you on either the countertop or the floor?"

Neal shivered and shook his head. "Let's do countertop. Floor's too cold—hence the reason I'm wearing socks. I don't want my back and ass on that right now."

Peter chuckled and nodded. "I'm telling you that I'm about to give you a blowjob and I _want_ you to come in my mouth," he said seductively. "No buts, baby." Neal rolled his eyes. "Mm. Please?"

"Fine." He brushed Peter's hair back and kissed his lover's forehead just before Peter bent to shift Neal's pants and underwear down. He slid them down enough to allow himself access to his husband's cock and immediately took him in. "Jesus," Neal whispered, gripping Peter's hair gently. The things Peter could do with his tongue never failed to impress Neal. As they were getting into their rhythm and Neal was nearing his orgasm, he heard the floor above them creak and his heart skipped a beat. He tugged on Peter's hair and hurriedly whispered, "Nicky's up." Peter didn't stop and Neal sighed even though he wanted to keep going. "Babe, our son is up and moving. Stop sucking my dick or he's gonna come down and see you doing it."

Peter lifted his head and glared playfully at Neal. "I know you were so damn close," he muttered. "You owe me some come, baby."

"Okay. I'll write up an IOU. Now, can you seriously back up so I can get down and pull my pants up?" Peter helped him down and Neal quickly fixed his clothing moments before Nicky came around the corner. "Hey, birthday boy," Neal said, smiling at his tired son. Nicky was rubbing his eyes. "You're up early, kiddo." Nicky didn't answer. He walked straight over to Neal and barreled into his father's chest, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Neal cradled Nicky's head, looking down at his son concernedly. "You okay, Nicky?"

Nicky shook his head and murmured, "I had a nightmare."

Neal glanced at Peter before answering his son. "Do you want to talk about it?"

The teenager nodded. "If it's okay, can I just talk to you, dad?" Peter nodded at Neal and mouthed that he'd watch the cake timer that Neal set out. Neal thanked him with a small smile before gently moving his son back. He took Nicky's hand and led him out into the living room. He sat down on the couch and was surprised when Nicky climbed onto his lap rather than sitting beside him.

"What's wrong, Nicky?" Neal asked gently, stroking Nicky's hair.

"I had a nightmare about you," he whispered. Neal's heart nearly stopped as terror gripped him. He immediately jumped to the conclusion that Nicky dreamt about his father being raped and he was, unfortunately, correct. "Daddy, I saw Vincent. He was hurting you."

Neal pulled Nicky closer, holding him gently. He didn't like this nightmare one bit. He'd do anything to save his family from experiencing it, but he apparently couldn't stop his son's imagination. "I'm okay, Nicky. Vincent's in prison again."

Nicky nuzzled his father's chest. "I went into your room to find you and you scared me because you weren't in there," he whispered.

"Oh, baby…" He kissed Nicky's hair, rocking him gently. "I'm sorry, Nicky. I promise I'm okay though. I just woke up kinda early and came downstairs—and poppa followed me."

"I love you, daddy. I don't want anything to take you away from me," Nicky said sadly. The teenager held onto his father tightly, closing his eyes. Neal looked up as Peter came to check on them. He looked concerned as Neal essentially rocked his son back to sleep.

Neal looked down at Nicky again and whispered, "I love you, Nicolas. I'm not gonna leave you—ever." When Nicky was asleep, Neal carefully got up from the couch, shifting Nicky in his arms to carry him a little more comfortably since Nicky was still moderately light enough for him to carry. Peter offered to take him, but Neal shook his head. "I've got him, babe. I'll tuck him in and come right back."

Peter nodded, heading back into the kitchen while Neal went upstairs. He heard Neal coming down the stairs a few minutes later and waited until his husband came into the kitchen to turn around. "Everything okay?"

The younger man frowned. "He had a nightmare about Vincent and me." Peter's expression was comparable to one of heartbreak. "I scared him because I wasn't in our room. He was afraid and tried to find me. Of course, neither of us were in bed when he went to find me, so…"

Peter crossed the kitchen to stand in front of his husband, holding his hips. "Is he all right now though?"

"I think so. He was really scared though." Peter nodded, kissing Neal's forehead. "He didn't want to let me go. When I put him into bed, he woke up and grabbed me."

"He loves you, Neal. He's afraid to lose you." Peter pressed his forehead against Neal's and closed his eyes, adding, "As much as I am," quietly. Neal nodded slowly, looking up at his husband as Peter backed up a bit. He lifted his hands to caress Neal's cheeks. "It's okay though. We'll take his mind off of it later tonight. Trent's staying over and we're going to have a lot of fun."

Neal smiled weakly at the older man. "Damn right," he whispered. "It's my baby's birthday. I'm not gonna let some nightmare mess it up for him."

After Neal finished up decorating the cake, it was about six-thirty. He and Peter went back up to bed together and cuddled. They figured they weren't going to get any sleep, but they might as well spend some time together. Peter lazily kissed Neal, his right arm curled beneath Neal's waist and his left hand resting on Neal's hip. Neal's hands were on Peter's chest. Both of them closed their eyes and moaned quietly occasionally.

Peter rolled over enthusiastically, hovering above his husband. The younger man lifted his hips, grinding against Peter. Peter broke the kiss briefly and breathed hot puffs of air against Neal's neck, kissing his skin erratically. "God. I love you," he whispered, leaning up to nibble at Neal's jaw.

Neal's lips parted in a silent moan and his arms wrapped around Peter's neck, sliding over to his shoulders. "I love you," he said breathlessly. "So much, Peter." He bent his legs at Peter's sides, keeping his husband in place.

Their door abruptly opened and Neal gasped as he gently shoved Peter off of him. Peter laid on his side and glanced at the doorway, finding their son staring at them sadly. "Nicky?" Neal pushed himself up, glancing worriedly at his son. "Kiddo, do you want to come in? Dad and I are dressed if that's why you're hesitating."

Neal smacked Peter's chest, glaring slightly at him. His face heated up as he turned his focus towards his son. Nicky nodded warily and Neal shifted over, putting space between him and Peter. He patted the bed and whispered, "C'mere, baby." Nicky got onto their bed and crawled across it, getting beneath the blanket to lay down between his fathers. He looked up at Neal sleepily. "Another nightmare?" Neal asked gently, stroking Nicky's hair.

Nicky shook his head. "Didn't wanna sleep away from you," he whispered. "Dad, can I have a sick day today?"

Peter shrugged when Neal glanced at him. "I guess that's fine. Poppa and I can take the day off, too. We've got a bunch of reports we could work on from home." Nicky turned onto his side and curled up against his father. "Do you want me to call Reese this time?"

The older man shook his head, murmuring, "He's okay if we call off as long as we're able to come in if needed and work on reports we were assigned."

Neal nodded and opted to go back to sleep since Nicky was with them. When Nicky fell asleep, Neal shifted his son around until Nicky was lying in front of him and he was between Nicky and Peter. Peter spooned him, kissing the back of his neck slowly while rubbing small circles on Neal's hip. His arm was draped over Nicky, hopefully protecting him from other nightmares.

•◊•

"Hey, dad!" Trent said enthusiastically when he saw Neal waiting for him outside of school. "I wasn't sure if you were still coming to get me since Nicky didn't come to school today."

Neal grinned at the teen, offering to take Trent's bags. He carried them back to the Corvette while Trent walked beside him. "Nicky had a rough night. He wasn't feeling all that great this morning, so we kept him home." He unlocked the car and put Trent's things into the back while Trent got into the passenger side seat. Once he was done, he got in and buckled himself up, glancing over at his son's best friend. "He'd be disappointed if I cancelled your sleepover—not that I can—and I'm sure you'll thrill him by being there."

Trent smiled. "I missed him today. I hope he's feeling better."

"Don't worry. He'll be happy to see you, Trent. He missed you, too."

He drove back to the house and once again took Trent's bags. He led Trent into the house and went up into Nicky's room to put Trent's things there. He looked at it all before leaving the room and was worried that it wouldn't be enough for the next several days. Trent's mom had a business trip planned the following day until Monday and Neal offered to babysit. She was relieved by that because she'd been frantic, worrying about what she was going to do about Trent. She didn't want to leave him home alone for several days.

"Honey," Peter called up to him.

He straightened up and walked out into the hallway. "Yes?"

"Can you grab my phone? I left it on the nightstand."

Neal smiled. "Sure thing, babe. I'll be right down." He went into his bedroom and circled the bed until he was on Peter's side. He picked Peter's phone up and saw a picture sticking out from beneath a few papers. Curious, he slid the papers aside and looked at the picture. It was another man who looked very attractive and Neal's jealousy flared in an instant. He turned the picture over and found no information whatsoever on it, so he had no idea who this man was or why Peter had a picture of him in _their_ bedroom.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a few moments. He didn't want to believe that Peter _might_ be having an affair because Peter definitely wasn't the type to cheat as far as he knew. After all, he hadn't started dating Neal officially until he'd broken things off with Elizabeth. When he opened his eyes, he set the picture back down and covered it up again the way it had been before.

Upon walking into the kitchen, Peter whistled. Neal raised an eyebrow, a little confused. "Well, hello, my sexy husband," he murmured, smiling at Neal.

Neal's jealousy still lingered, but he shoved it down for now. He'd ask Peter about it later _calmly_ since he didn't want to start an argument, especially on Nicky's birthday. "Hey," he whispered when Peter walked over to him and kissed his forehead.

He handed Peter the phone and Peter pecked Neal's lips. "Think we'll be able to finish what we started this morning since the kids will be distracted?" Peter asked quietly.

"God," Neal said as he rolled his eyes, "you must be extremely horny right now." Peter raised an eyebrow, challenging Neal. He wanted Neal to tell him that he wasn't attractive, thus coming to the conclusion that Peter shouldn't be turned on by him. "Mm," Neal moaned quietly. "I'm up for finishing."

Peter kissed Neal sweetly before shifting around Neal to grab the candles for the cake that he'd gotten a couple days ago. "I'm going to make such sweet love to you tonight," he whispered seductively, making Neal shiver. "I'm assuming I do that every night, but I want to make sure I do it tonight."

Neal chuckled. "Sweet and slow sounds good to me," he said, leaning forward to kiss Peter's jaw. "You're not…you know."

The older man was confused. "What?"

"We're still going to have a nice dinner date with the kids, right?"

"Of course." Peter kissed him on the lips for a moment. "I've been looking forward to being out with the three of you." He gazed into Neal's eyes for a few seconds before realization dawned on him. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry." He interrupted Neal before Neal could even speak. "I didn't mean to make it seem like all I've wanted from you today is sex," he said quietly. "We'll have a nice date and watch a movie with the kids while we eat cake when we get home. If you're not up for making love tonight, I totally understand. You didn't sleep all that much." Neal started to protest and Peter hushed him. "Hey. Honey, you're not a sex object. I've always told you that we can find an alternative way to make our time together nice." Neal's cheeks heated up and Peter smiled at him. "I love you," he said as he pecked Neal's lips again. "Anytime with you is time well spent."

Later in the evening, Neal drove the four of them out to McDonalds to eat in the restaurant. It was what Nicky wanted and Trent was thrilled. Both boys were excited that there was a play area in this particular McDonalds and Neal had to lay down the rules: dinner first, then play.

Mozzie met them there and sat with both teenagers across from Peter and Neal. "How does fourteen feel?" Mozzie asked him.

Nicky shrugged. "It kind of feels the same." He glanced at his father warily even though Neal wasn't looking. "Better though." Neal looked up then and met Nicky's eyes. He straightened up, understanding what his son wasn't saying. "The presents were awesome. Dad, I'm gonna torment you with the helicopter."

"I'm going to torment your poppa because he bought the thing," he muttered, glaring at his husband who leaned closer to kiss him. "You're lucky I love you," he whispered to his husband. "I don't buy remote controlled things because the kid knows he can fly or roll them right into me when I least expect it." Returning his gaze to his son, he raised an eyebrow. "Like your fifth birthday. Do you remember?"

Nicky giggled, nodding. "You were _so_ mad at Uncle Mozzie."

"Well, flying that helicopter into my head while I was on the phone wasn't particularly _nice,_ baby boy. Hence the reason you didn't see it again after several months. The car though… I nearly killed Uncle Mozzie for that one."

"I've been curious to know," Mozzie interjected, leaning forward. "What did happen to that car? It looked pretty smashed up when I saw it. Almost like it'd been run over by an actual car."

Neal's face flushed as he looked away. "I'm not sure what happened to it." He glanced up at Peter, who immediately understood. He chuckled, rubbing Neal's hand on the tabletop.

Nicky smiled at his father. "You're not going to throw this one out, are you?"

"It depends. If you play with it, I'll let you keep it." He playfully glared at Peter. "If I end up getting hit in the head again, someone's gonna be in a _lot_ of trouble." He nodded at Peter.

The boys finished their food and Neal let them go play for a little while. Mozzie scooted over into the middle of the bench and leaned back. "How goes things with the Burkes?"

"Pretty good," Neal answered. "This morning was…a little intense for Nicky, but he seems okay now." Mozzie gave his best friend a concerned look. "It's nothing serious, Moz. He had a nightmare is all."

Mozzie nodded, glancing at Peter. "He stayed home today with us. He was having nightmares about Neal," Peter said tentatively, earning a smack to the arm from the younger man. "Ouch," he muttered. Neal rolled his eyes.

"Karen texted me earlier to tell me the twins could be born anytime within the next two weeks." Mozzie smiled at them, happy to hear that their babies were going to be born very soon. "The doctor said everything looks good and healthy and suggested that she should be able to deliver without a caesarean," Neal said quietly. He glanced at Peter now, biting his lip. "She asked me to be in the delivery room with her."

Peter paled instantly and Neal took Peter's hand, instantly concerned. "Better you than me," Peter said, sounding like he was about to get sick.

Neal's brows furrowed. "Wow," he whispered. "You are so not allowed into the room as they're being born. If you're this pale at just the mention of it, you probably shouldn't be in there."

"It's not that," Peter muttered. "I…wanted Elizabeth to have a baby with me when we were together. I would have been there with her during the delivery. I just… I don't feel comfortable being there to watch a minor deliver."

Neal nodded. "Understandable," he said quietly. "I'm not going to be looking, if you're concerned about that. I'll be there just to support her and I'll call you in the moment everything's all right."

Mozzie watched the couple, intrigued by their responses. He knew Neal didn't mind at all. If anything, Neal was excited to be there for the births. He'd missed Nicky's birth because Kate kept it from him and that's really bothered him for a long time. Peter though, Mozzie understood completely. Peter was quite the paranoid FBI agent. He didn't want to be in uncomfortable situations where one thing can lead to a bad thing.

The moment Mozzie left to use the restroom, Peter kissed Neal's temple. "Thank you," he whispered. Neal gave him a questioning look. "You've been amazing throughout Karen's pregnancy. I'm not the best person to go to when it comes to this, but you've helped her through a lot and she trusts you. She really likes you if she wants you to be there when she has the babies."

Neal smiled at his husband. "This is for _us_ and I want to be there when our babies are born." He glanced towards the play area to watch his son and Trent. "I missed his birth. I'm sometimes not sure if that's a bad thing though. I would have had to watch Kate die as she gave me my son."

Peter nodded, keeping his eyes on Neal's face. "She would have been proud of you for stepping up," he said quietly. "She obviously wanted you to have some connection to him in the end and he's grateful. You know what it's like to grow up without a father. You wouldn't have done that to Nicky and that's one thing I love about you. Some fathers wouldn't even try to claim their baby if they never knew about it. _You_ took responsibility for him the moment you found out about him."

"Look at him," Neal said as he nodded towards the play area. Nicky and Trent were messing around, laughing as they played. "I would have missed out on this if Kate lived. Making Nicky happy, seeing him laugh… It's all I wanted since the first time I held him. I was nervous when I first saw him and I didn't know what to do, but it all seemed to fall into place when he was in my arms."

The older man smiled as he watched the boys and as he returned his gaze to his husband. "Neal, I love you," he whispered. Neal looked at Peter and gave him a small smile that touched his eyes. Peter leaned closer to kiss Neal sweetly. "You're amazing. You've kept your son happy for fourteen years and counting. I know that you're the only daddy he would ever want in his life, Neal, because I can see how much he loves you when he's with you." He intertwined their fingers on the tabletop and rubbed his thumb over Neal's skin. "There's never been a moment where you didn't love him. I know all he's wanted from you is your love and you've given him that and so much more because you made a tremendous effort to do everything you could for him."

"I'd do anything to make him smile," Neal whispered. "It always hurt me when he cried and it still does, but you know what?" Peter was listening intently to the younger man, loving the way Neal's smile widened. "He always came to me. He always wanted me to hold him and to kiss him. I remember being woken up in the middle of the night when he was three or four repeatedly over the course of several nights because he was scared. He always came to me crying and he settled down as soon as I held him against me." Neal's eyes watered a bit as he laughed lightly. "He loved sleeping next to me when he was little. I think he knew I'd protect him, even if it was just from the darkness of the night. That means the world to me, Peter, and I hope you get to experience that with the twins when they're here. Raising Nicky was fantastic despite its ups and downs. That boy is my everything and he always has been." Neal found himself lost in thought as he whispered, "He always will be."

Peter smiled softly at the love of his life, draping his arm around Neal's shoulders. "I'm so glad we met, Neal. If I hadn't gone down to see you after you made a mess, I'm not sure if I ever would have fallen in love with you. If I hadn't fallen in love with you, I never would have been blessed with you and Nicky—now, you and Nicky and the twins." Neal leaned against Peter, closing his eyes. "We're going to raise all three of them to be good kids. I know we're going to love them all death, Neal, and I'm excited. I'm lucky to have such an amazing husband to raise children with," he whispered as he kissed his husband gently. Their kiss was lengthy, but sweet and conveyed all of their excitement and love.


	15. Chapter 15

"Peter, where's the paint?"

Peter came into the room with two cans of paint and Neal grinned at him. "Here ya go, baby," Peter said quietly as he set them on the floor. "Excited?"

"Uh, hell yeah. We already have everything in one of the extra rooms, so all we've got to do is paint, wait for it to dry, and then move everything into here and set it all up." Peter pulled Neal close for a hug, kissing the younger man's neck. "Boys," he called out over Peter's shoulder. Nicky and Trent came running in clothes they wouldn't mind getting paint on. "All set?"

The four of them were excited and immediately set to work once Peter finished prepping the paint, subsequently filling a few trays Neal brought into the room with the paint, and Neal handed out paintbrushes.

Nicky's brand new phone that he'd gotten for his birthday was playing Disney music since he didn't want his parents to hear the kind of music he'd been getting into because of the other kids at school. He had the feeling that Neal may not approve, so he played Disney to please his father. Trent and Nicky were painting the lower portions of the wall while Peter and Neal painted the upper portions. "How artsy are you planning on getting, my love?" Peter asked his husband.

Neal chuckled. "The boys are painting the green grass and we're doing the blue sky. The yellow for the sun and dandelions is downstairs just waiting to be used and I'm debating on whether or not I'd like to draw a few trees and birds."

Peter stopped what he was doing and admired the younger man as he worked until Neal glanced over at him. "You're so cute," Peter whispered. He lifted his hand and stroked Neal's cheek, initially trying to be sweet, but then he realized he'd gotten paint on Neal's cheekbone. He tried not to look like Neal would kill him, but he failed and Neal asked him what was wrong. "You're looking a little blue today," Peter muttered, his cheeks heating up. He hadn't meant to get paint on Neal's cheek and hoped Neal wouldn't be upset with him for wasting a little.

The younger man just laughed and shook his head before going back to work. Peter stared at him incredulously, unable to understand how Neal wasn't upset. Paint, if not on a canvas or palette, was a waste elsewhere and Neal hated wasting paint. Neal glanced sideways at the older man and rolled his eyes. "A little paint won't kill me, Peter Michael," he murmured.

"I was waiting for your artist's wrath."

Neal rolled his eyes again. "You'll get to see my wrath when you're washing any paint you get on me _off_ in the shower later," Neal whispered seductively, immediately turning Peter on. Neal glanced at his husband and added, "That doesn't mean you _should_ get paint all over me."

Peter moaned quietly. "Just a little bit." Neal smiled at him.

The four of them spent two hours painting all four walls in basic blue and green the way Neal outlined it for them. He was thrilled when they all sat in the middle of the room with the windows open to air out the room and dry the paint.

Peter's arms were around Neal and Neal's body was between Peter's legs, his back against Peter's chest. "It looks great, guys," Neal said, glancing at the teenagers. "You both did a better job at keeping each other clean," he added, pointedly looking up at Peter. Neal's shirt, arms, thighs, cheek, ass, and throat had paint spattered across them when Peter got overly playful. Peter's nose, jaw, arms, and the back of his shirt were covered in blue paint. Neal hadn't been as touchy-feely as his husband was and their pants were the proof of that. Peter's were just fine. Neal's definitely showed that Peter had one thing on their mind when they were goofing around. "I'm just grateful poppa didn't get any in my hair."

"Oh, God. I've learned not to get anything in your hair, honey."

Neal's eyes widened and he elbowed Peter's chest, fiercely whispering, "The kids are _right_ there!" Peter laughed when Neal's cheeks heated up. He just kissed Neal's temple and let his husband pout. Nicky and Trent were a little lost, but they giggled nonetheless and that only added to Neal's embarrassment. "Somebody's not getting any ass tonight," he muttered as he turned in Peter's arms.

"My name is all over your ass," Peter whispered as the kids left the room to change and play for a little bit. "I love kissing, licking, touching—"

"Could you be any more obscene in front of the boys?" Neal asked, raising an eyebrow.

Peter shrugged. "They aren't in the room at the moment."

Neal sighed. "_At the moment._ Peter, you might as well have said, 'oh, I know you told me not to jizz all over your hair.' That might've been a little more innocent than your tactless comment."

The older man moved sideways until he was able to lay on his side, twisting Neal to lay him down in front of him. He shifted them again and hovered over his husband, kissing his jaw. "I don't think they understood what we were talking about."

"Oh, sure, because teenage boys have no idea what sperm is?" Peter rolled his eyes, gently gripping Neal's wrists to lift them over Neal's head. Neal looked intrigued. "Are we playing on the floor?"

Peter moaned quietly near Neal's ear. "Only if you want to."

Neal moved Peter a bit and sat up. "Can we play in the bedroom? For one, I don't feel comfortable making love in the babies' room. Second, I'd prefer a locked door so the kids can't walk in on you doing whatever you're planning on doing to me."

Peter just chuckled as he kissed Neal's lips a few times. "But I like you right where you are."

"Please?" Neal whined. Peter sighed and shook his head, kissing Neal one more time before getting to his feet. He extended his hand towards Neal and helped the younger man up. "Quite the gentleman," he said sarcastically.

"Oh, hush."

As soon as they fell into bed together, Peter's hands were roaming all over Neal's body. He was sliding Neal's pants down, rubbing Neal's ass as he did so. Just as Peter was pulling Neal's pants off, Neal's phone started vibrating. "Let it go," Neal murmured. Peter conceded and tossed Neal's pants onto the floor, rubbing Neal's bare thighs as he kissed Neal's clothed chest. His phone vibrated a few more times before it was quiet and Neal was relieved. Just when they thought they were out of the woods, Peter's phone began to ring annoyingly. Peter groaned and kissed Neal's chest once more before shifting to grab his phone out of his jeans pocket. "Peter, put it away," Neal whined.

"It's Mozzie." Peter's brows furrowed as he answered. "Hey, Moz. What's up?" Neal stared up at Peter, wanting Peter off the phone right now. He was stroking Peter's abdomen slowly, grinning. "_What?_ When?" Peter's other hand grabbed Neal's and forced him to stop. That concerned Neal and his attention went right to the sound of Peter's voice. Peter breathed shakily, worrying Neal, as he whispered, "Thanks, Mozzie." He hung up and tossed the phone across the bed, abruptly backing away from Neal.

Neal sat up and scooted closer to Peter. "What's wrong?" Peter was silent, throwing his legs over the side of the bed as he arched forward to hold his head in his hands. "Peter, what is it?" Neal asked urgently, getting onto his knees behind Peter, resting his hands on Peter's shoulders.

"They're out," Peter whispered brokenly. "I don't know how, but they are."

Neal's grip on Peter's shoulders tightened. "Who?"

Peter got up from the bed and walked a few feet away, one hand on his hip while the other gripped his hair furiously. Neal was still on his knees on the bed, watching his husband. "Both of them, Neal. They're both out."

"You're doing that thing where you're vague and scaring me," Neal whispered as he slid off of the bed to walk over to Peter. "Tell me what—"

"Vincent and Craig," Peter growled. Neal's heart stopped and his lips parted, his eyes widening simultaneously. "Craig escaped last night and Vincent was broken out this morning." Neal felt like he couldn't breathe as he stumbled back a bit. He felt really light-headed and his vision blurred a bit. Peter turned to face him and gasped, lurching forward to pull Neal close. "Neal, it's okay," he whispered. Neal started hyperventilating, gripping Peter's shirt tightly. Peter cradled his head with one hand while keeping the other on his back—both in an attempt to help Neal. "Neal, say something," he begged when Neal's breathing became even more erratic.

Neal's legs gave out and Peter quickly compensated, holding him upright. His mind immediately threw him back at the memories of both rapes and he whimpered painfully. He knew Peter was talking to him, but he wasn't hearing Peter. It was all muffled by his echoing mental screams. His cries and screams during what Craig did to him were far worse and so much more intense than they had been while he was with Vincent. He didn't truly fear Vincent anymore after Craig, but _both_ of them together scared the living hell out of him.

He tried to rip himself out of Peter's grip, but Peter wasn't letting go. Neal panicked and forgot that he was with Peter for an instant. He screamed and pleaded to be let go as he fought to get away. "Let me go!" he yelled, finally regaining his footing. Adrenaline kicked in and he finally broke away from the vice-like grip, stumbling forward to fall to his hands and knees. He didn't stop, he tried to get away and Peter was lost. He didn't want to scare Neal, but he didn't want to abandon him either.

There was pounding on the bedroom door and Neal screamed again, covering his ears. He fell onto his side and his body was trembling. "Nicky, stop!" Peter begged as he darted over to the door. He knew Nicky was on the other side. "Nicky, go back downstairs with Trent."

"What are you doing to him?" Nicky cried.

"I'm not doing anything! Just, _please,_ go downstairs. Go to the game room. _Please._"

Neal gasped while he struggled to move again and part of him was relieved as he got into the bathroom. He grabbed the sink countertop and pulled himself up, shaking as he staggered forward. This felt like being drunk, but with an unbearable amount of pain on top of it.

Peter moved to stand in the bathroom doorway, watching his husband struggle to get into the corner of the bathroom where he dropped down to the floor and curled against the wall. "Stay away," he whispered repeatedly, sounding hysterical. He kept holding his stomach and Peter was really concerned.

"Baby," Peter tried gently. He cautiously stepped into the bathroom, leaving the door open. "Neal, it's Peter. Honey, you're okay." Neal shook his head, gasping for breath. "Neal, it's Peter," he repeated as he got closer.

"You took me from Peter!" he screeched. When he looked at Peter, he saw Craig smiling viciously at him. It was nothing Peter was doing. Neal was delusional at the moment. "You sick bastard! Just leave me alone! I gave you what you wanted!"

Peter's heart broke on his face. "Neal, you're safe. They aren't here to hurt you."

Neal was sobbing, shutting his eyes tightly. "Don't lie to me," he whispered. "Peter's not here. Peter's gone. I'm all alone and you're going to kill me." Peter moved too quickly and Neal flinched, lifting his hands away from his stomach to cover his face as he screamed again. "Please, no! Please!"

The older man dropped to his knees in front of Neal. He couldn't let this continue. He needed to find some way to pull his husband out of this. "Neal, baby, you're home. You're okay—I promise. Honey, are you able to hear me?"

As Peter drew closer, Neal slowly opened his eyes and Craig's face was slowly becoming Peter's once again. He saw how concerned Peter was, but the image of Craig's cruelty still lingered. His insides felt like they were burning. He trembled as Peter pulled him carefully, holding him against his chest. "Peter," Neal whimpered, clutching his husband's shirt.

Something dawned on Peter just then. He took Neal's hand and slid it beneath his shirt, making Neal touch the scar on his chest. The last time Neal was in this much distress, touching Peter's scar brought him back to reality and he was able to believe that he wasn't dreaming Peter up. He rubbed Neal's fingers over the scar until Neal started doing it on his own. "Honey?" Peter whispered.

Neal breathed shakily, staring up at Peter while blinking quickly. "Peter," he whispered this time. "Peter." He stroked the scar repeatedly, proving to himself that this was his husband rather than one of those monsters. He swallowed hard, raking his fingernails gently over Peter's skin. "Peter," he breathed, looking and sounding relieved.

"You're all right, baby. You're home with me and I promise you're safe." The younger man nodded, closing his eyes. Peter warily shifted Neal until he could lift his husband in his arms. Neal held onto him as he took Neal back into the bedroom. "I want you to stay in bed and relax," Peter pleaded. "Don't leave. I will be right back."

"Where are you going?" Neal asked, his eyes flying open as he went into a panic as soon as he sat on the bed.

Peter kissed his forehead. "Downstairs for two seconds. I promise I'll be right back, baby."

"Okay," Neal whispered, letting go of Peter. "Come back quickly," he said quietly, his lips trembling.

Peter nodded and left the room, heading downstairs. He was trying to think of some way to explain this to their son without divulging information Neal may not want Nicky to know at the moment. But in an instant, Nicky was fighting him as soon as he stepped off of the stairs. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nicky!" he whispered, trying to get his son under control. He grabbed Nicky's wrists and held them firmly, waiting until Nicky gave up. "Nicky, everything's okay."

Nicky was crying as he tried to hit Peter's chest. "You hurt my dad! Let go of me! I need him!"

"I didn't hurt him," Peter said tightly. "If you calm down, I'll explain." Nicky kept struggling until Peter finally got frustrated and backed Nicky towards the couch and shoved him down onto it. "Listen to me, damn it," he snapped. "I didn't hurt dad." Nicky's eyes were wide as Peter straightened up and exhaled shakily while his heart pounded in his chest. Trent was standing in the dining room, hiding behind Peter's chair as he watched Peter and Nicky. "Nicky, something really bad happened and dad… Dad panicked. He's okay now. He needs to relax, all right?" The teenager was breathing heavily as he stared at his poppa silently. That was the first time Peter was ever _really_ violent with Nicky and it scared him. Peter hadn't done anything to intentionally hurt Nicky, but he'd shoved Nicky down nonetheless and Nicky immediately wondered if this was how his father felt when he'd been alone with Vincent and Craig.

Nicky swallowed hard and Peter moved to sit beside him on the couch. "No!" Peter startled and moved backwards. "You pushed me! How can I believe that you didn't hurt him? He's too quiet to be okay!"

Peter gaped at his son. "Nicolas, I swear dad's okay. I'm sorry for pushing you, but you… You wouldn't stop hitting me. I needed you to listen and—"

Nicky's eyes flew to the stairway as Neal came down—with his pants on now so he could attempt to be around his family. Peter spun to face him and he saw anger flash across his husband's face. "You pushed him? You pushed him onto the couch?" he growled. Peter didn't know what to do here. He didn't want to lose these two because he'd tried to settle the house down, but he was being cornered by both of them. "Get the hell away from my baby!" Neal snarled, darting towards the couch. Nicky sat up just as Neal pulled him close, holding him as though he were protecting him.

"Neal, I swear to you I didn't intend to—"

"Dad," Trent whimpered as he stared at Neal. "Nicky was hitting Peter when he came downstairs. Peter didn't do anything wrong," he whispered. Neal's entire face was pale as he stared at his son's best friend. "Peter asked him to stop and Nicky wouldn't stop. He got away from Nicky as soon as Nicky was on the couch."

Neal looked up at Peter and then down at Nicky. "Trent's right, daddy," Nicky whispered. He pulled away from Neal's tight grip and stared at Peter. "Poppa, I'm sorry."

Peter kept his eyes on Neal. Neal's reaction was the only one that mattered in this situation. Neal's eyes met Peter's and he quickly got to his feet, moving quickly to throw himself at Peter's chest, wrapping his arms around the older man as he breathed heavily. "I told you I'd never hurt him," Peter said as he kissed Neal's hair.

"I'm sorry that I thought you'd…you'd…."

"No. Don't apologize," Peter demanded. "You have every right to react this way. I don't blame you and I won't criticize you for it. It's human—you're human, honey." He rubbed Neal's back, listening to the younger man's labored breathing. Everything was quiet for the moment as Peter tried to help Neal calm down without speaking. He cradled the back of Neal's head while continuing to rub Neal's back. Neal's hands were clasped together behind Peter and his head was beneath Peter's chin.

Peter glanced at Nicky apologetically. He hadn't meant to upset Nicky, which in turn infuriated Neal. "Daddy, are you okay?" Nicky's question was tentative as he slid towards the edge of the couch. He wanted to go to his father, but he had no idea what was going on right now.

Neal inhaled shakily, whispering, "I don't want to talk about it right now."

Nicky frowned, but nodded. Nicky took Trent down to the game room and Peter helped Neal back upstairs to their bedroom. Neal wasn't responding normally at all. If anything, he seemed almost robotic. "Neal?" he said quietly as Neal sat down on their bed. Neal's eyes slowly moved to meet Peter's. "Honey, everything's okay. You—"

"I accused you of wanting to rape him," Neal whispered. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, shuddering. "What kind of husband am I if I could immediately jump to that conclusion after almost three years of marriage and five years together?"

Peter shook his head, sitting beside Neal. "Baby, I understand. I'm not angry or upset because you were thinking that way." He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Neal's temple. "My sweetheart, you seem to forget that I've been with you through all of this. I understand you and your thoughts. What we just went through downstairs was something I—"

Neal's eyes opened and Peter was shocked to see that he was crying. "You expect me to accuse you of preying on our son?" His voice was so quiet and steady that it scared Peter. "What are you getting out of this marriage, Peter? Be realistic and honest."

"I love you, Neal. Don't start telling yourself I pity you. I have never pitied you. I feel bad for being unable to help at times, but I don't pity you and I'm not with you because I pity you. I'm with you because I want to be yours," he whispered. "I wanted you the moment I met you. I'm forming an attachment, a bond, with you. Our marriage and our relationship in general is _not_ based around our sex life, Neal George."

"What is it based around then?"

Peter frowned, taking Neal's hand in his. "We were friends first," he whispered. "I was married to someone very wrong for me and you were a single parent with ghosts and shadows looming overhead." He kissed Neal's jaw, closing his own eyes. "You were my partner on cases before you became _my_ partner. I got to know bits and pieces of you that you felt comfortable sharing with me. The moment I came to you, telling you Elizabeth and I were mutually splitting up, you welcomed me into your home without hesitation." Neal turned his head a bit, bumping his nose against Peter's. "I held you in my arms every night and you eventually began to trust me. I think you knew I was serious about you—and I still am very serious about this. Honey, you trusted me enough to tell me about Vincent. You were afraid of the way I'd react to you and I showed you that I'm in love with you. I stayed with you because I loved you and I'm still with you because I still love you. Nothing he did and nothing anyone else has done to you will ever change the way I feel about you."

Neal breathed erratically. "Peter, how can you love me?" he whispered. "My body is disgusting and defiled. I have scars—"

"—that show how strong you are, my love," Peter interjected. "I've never believed you were weak. You survived the pain they put you through to give you those scars, Neal." Peter backed up enough to look at his husband. He stroked Neal's jaw with his thumb, stroking the scar that'd been left there by Keller as well as a few he knew by heart: the two on Neal's right thigh, one a little below Neal's left shoulder, one below Neal's ribs, and the two little ones he remembered seeing down near Neal's lower back. He ghosted his fingers over the long scar on Neal's back that he'd gotten when Martins beat him with a crowbar and whatever else he'd used before Peter came back for him. The last place he touched was Neal's throat and he gently planted kisses across his skin. "I love you," he whispered as he continued to kiss Neal's throat. "You survived all of this, Neal, and you're here with me and Nicky—and soon the twins."

Tears streaked down Neal's cheeks as he let Peter touch him. He hated his scars and he hated that Peter knew how to make him feel better about them. "Peter…" he whispered.

Peter sat back to stare at his husband lovingly. "You are not disgusting and you haven't been defiled. I've never once looked at you and thought you were either of those things." He kissed Neal's cheek before rubbing his tears away. "Don't cry, beautiful," he whispered. "Your body isn't a selling point for me. I would have been fine with just holding you if you never trusted me enough to let me make love to you. Believe it or not, your personality, brain, and heart matter more to me than your physical appearance. You're gorgeous, but I'm not with you because of that. You're a sweet, smart man. The only thing I _know_ I needed was a brunette with beautiful blue eyes. _That_ was a selling point because I love looking into your eyes, honey." He stroked Neal's abdomen slowly, giving him a teasing smile in the hopes that Neal might find some amusement in what he'd said. "I love seeing _you_ in your eyes, Neal. Hell, even if you had brown or hazel eyes, I'm certain I'd have fallen in love with you, baby. There's nothing about you that I don't like." Neal leaned closer to him and Peter chuckled for a moment. "Actually, there is _one_ thing. I absolutely loathe your low self-esteem, hon. I wish you'd give yourself more credit and I wish you'd learn to love yourself the way I love you. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

Neal started sobbing and Peter held him close. "I can't see any of these things," he whispered miserably. "I see so much failure and weakness." He rubbed his eyes and gasped quietly. "You can't possibly love any of those things about me. You can't love my scars or my body or—"

"But I do, sweetheart," Peter whispered fiercely. "I love you for who you are. I love all that you are. If I didn't, do you think I would be here, holding and kissing and talking to you?" Before Neal could respond, Peter continued. "Do you think I would spend my days and nights with you if I didn't love you as you are? Would I have spent as much money as I did on an engagement ring and a wedding ring if I didn't want to commit to this and spend the rest of my life with you? Would I have tried my damnedest to make you happy and help you through all of this?"

"I get it," Neal whispered.

Peter nudged Neal a bit until Neal sat up and looked at him. Peter simply stared at his husband for a moment. "Do you really?" Neal nodded slowly. "Tell me. Summarize what I just said so I know you understand."

Neal's eyes hardened for a moment. "I'm not a child, Peter." Peter raised one eyebrow and Neal sighed. His heart started pounding and he became even more anxious than he was before. Peter wanted him to comprehend and _believe_ everything he'd just told Neal. Neal didn't know what to say to please his husband, but he'd try because he didn't want to lose Peter. "You love me for me and you wish I'd stop degrading myself because you want me to love myself. You think my body is fine the way it is, but you don't value my body more than anything. You value my brain, heart, and personality." Neal breathed shakily as he lifted his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. "You don't think I'm repulsive, so you want me to believe you. You want me to believe that you are with me because you love me and you want to be with me, not because you pity me."

The older man cracked a small smile and Neal relaxed. "Do you believe any of that?"

"Yes," Neal whispered after a few moments. He still thought he wasn't deserving of Peter's love, but he could see the honesty in his husband's face. "I don't know why I'm always so down on myself and I'm sorry. I should listen to you more. If I do that, everyone will be happy and—"

Peter interrupted him. "_No._ Don't you dare agree with anything I say because you want _me_ to be happy. Neal, make yourself happy before anyone else, damn it." Neal flinched at the harsh tone in Peter's voice. "I don't want you to demoralize yourself to the point where you only nod and agree when you think it's what I want to hear. _Don't_ start doing that."

Neal frowned. "Do you ever look at me and tell yourself that you've invested too much of your time in trying to fix me?"

He knew he'd said the wrong thing when Peter's entire expression changed. "I am _not_ trying to _fix_ you, Neal George. You are my husband and I love you more than life itself. There's nothing to fix because you _aren't_ broken. I've told you so many times that you're hurting. Hurting and broken aren't the same thing. Broken would mean your entire being shattered and not a single shred of yourself is left. Hurt is something we can mend. _We,_ Neal. I'm here to _heal_ you." He touched Neal's throat, stroking the scars there again. "I feel responsible for all of this, Neal. If I fought harder, I could have saved you before he did this to you." Neal shook his head and closed his eyes, gritting his teeth. "I see nothing wrong with you. There's nothing about you that needs to change. I'm just trying to restore the pieces of you that they tortured. I'm trying to help you build the life _you_ want to live and be the man _you_ want to be. You're the only one in control of your life. I'm just here to support you in every single way I can. I'm going to help you through this and I hope there's a day when you'll finally believe that I'm not looking at you and salivating like a dog because I want to get inside of you."

"Peter, I love you," Neal said fiercely as he exhaled and opened his eyes. "I love you so damn much and I know you feel that way about me, too. I'm so stupid sometimes." He saw the warning in Peter's eyes, but kept going. "I've been with you for nearly half a decade, Peter. By this point, I should believe everything you tell me because I should know you're telling me the truth and nothing but the truth."

The older man caressed his husband's cheeks, smiling weakly. "You know how you always say you belong to me?" he whispered. Neal nodded, watching his husband's eyes. Peter leaned towards Neal and kissed him passionately. When he pulled away, he added, "Well, I belong to you, Neal. I always will."

•◊•

Nicky glanced up at Peter as Peter walked through the living room after coming downstairs. He and Trent were curled up on the couch watching a movie together in the darkness while Neal and Peter did a few more things in the babies' room. "Poppa," Nicky whispered, making Peter stop just before he went into the dining room. Nicky hopped up off of the couch after sliding the popcorn bowl into Trent's lap. He took Peter's hand and led him into the kitchen. "How's dad?"

Peter smiled a little at his son. "Dad's doing better. He's still painting. I came down to get a drink for him, but… You could try talking to him again if you want."

"Do you think he'll talk to me?"

There was a moment of hesitation. "I'm not sure if he'll tell you everything. It doesn't hurt to ask though," Peter said quietly. "Dad's… I just got him into a good mindset, Nick. He's a little happier now."

Nicky nodded. "Can I take his drink up to him then?" Peter nodded and filled a glass of water for Nicky to take upstairs to Neal. As soon as Nicky stepped into the room, the smell of paint overwhelmed him and he was really impressed by what Neal had done in the span of a couple hours. "Daddy," he whispered.

Neal turned and smiled weakly at him. "Hey, baby boy." The teenager walked closer to his father and handed him the glass of water. Neal rolled his eyes, but took the glass. "I told poppa I was fine. Stubborn jerk," he muttered as he lifted the glass to take a drink. Nicky giggled and watched his father. When Neal was finished drinking, he just stared down at his son silently. "I bet you want to ask about earlier, don't you?" Nicky bit his lip and Neal laughed lightly. "I'm okay, Nick, and poppa did nothing to hurt me. He tried so hard to help me."

"Why were you screaming? It scared me."

"C'mere," Neal whispered, motioning for his son to follow him towards one of the dry walls. Neal sat down and waited until Nicky sat beside him. He glanced down at his son. "I have a lot of emotional problems, Nick. You know parts of the story, but not…everything."

Nicky's brows furrowed. "Why can't you tell me everything? Do you not trust me?"

Neal closed his eyes and breathed heavily for a moment. "It's not that," he whispered. When he opened his eyes, Nicky could see the pain in them. "I'm trying to protect you from me. Vincent really hurt me and he was the first one to hurt me, but… There was a second guy and his name is Craig. The things he did to me were so much worse." He shuddered and Nicky leaned against Neal's arm. "Uncle Mozzie called poppa and told him that…that Vincent and Craig aren't in prison anymore. They both escaped."

"Daddy, we need to leave," Nicky said hurriedly. "They might try to take you away again and I don't want them to hurt you. I don't want them to kill you."

Neal couldn't remember ever seeing his son so frightened and frantic before now. He set his glass of water down on the floor and wrapped his arms around his son. "Nicky, it's okay. Poppa's going to keep us safe."

Nicky shook his head and gripped his father's arms. "Daddy, I don't want to lose you."

"You won't," Neal whispered. Nicky climbed onto Neal's lap and Neal just held him tightly. "Nicky, I'm going to be okay. Poppa and I talked for a while earlier and he helped me through my anxiety. I'm sorry that I scared you, baby, but this…is something I'm going to live with for the rest of my life." He kissed Nicky's hair and closed his eyes. "Things will trigger my memories and nightmares. I'm likely to fall apart when I hear certain things, but you know what?" Nicky looked up at him with tears in his eyes. "I have poppa to get me through the problem, but there's something else I have." He playfully poked Nicky's stomach and proceeded to tickle him until he writhed around and giggled. "I have my baby boy to brighten my day just by walking into the room. You, poppa, and the twins are the reason I'm happy."

The teenager rubbed his father's chest, nodding. "Are you going to try to kill yourself again?" Neal's eyes widened and his lips parted as he stared in shock at his son. "I know you tried to drown yourself, dad."

"How—?"

"I…overheard a conversation I think poppa was having with Auntie El. It's when poppa was with you and I was with her. She was crying and asking how close you were to ending your life before someone pulled you out of the water." Neal's heart ached. He never knew that Nicky was aware of his suicide attempt. He'd tried to keep it from his son. "You aren't going to try that again, are you?"

Neal was stunned into silence for a few moments. When he cleared his throat and shook his head, he firmly said, "No. I don't want to kill myself, Nick." He rocked a little, holding his son tightly. "I have reasons to live, baby, and you're one of them. Don't worry about this kind of thing. I love you so much, Nicky. I told you I'm not leaving you."

Nicky let his father get up to work on painting the walls again and he just watched the older man work. He remembered all of the things Neal drew for him as he was growing up and they were just as beautiful as his painting on the wall. "Daddy, I just want to tell you I love you," Nicky whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Neal smiled at his son. "You know I love you, too, kiddo." He glanced at the wall, the paint, and then back at his son. "I don't know if you remember this or not, but you got into some paint when you were little and your handprints were all over the walls until I painted over them," Neal said quietly. "Feel like putting your handprint on the wall?"

"Like a family thing?"

"Like a family thing," Neal said, chuckling. "I'll put my handprint up and I'll force poppa to. When the babies are a little older, we can put their handprints up as well."

Nicky giggled as he jumped up. He held his right hand out and Neal grinned as he swiped the paintbrush over his son's hand and then his own left hand. Nicky put his print up on the wall a little bit away from the tree Neal painted. Neal twisted his hand a bit and linked his thumb with Nicky's. "That looks awesome," Nicky said, awed. Nicky turned and realized Peter was standing in the doorway silently, watching Neal. "Poppa! Come here."

Neal turned and smiled warmly at his husband as Peter stepped into the room. "Put your hand up on the wall with us?" Neal asked.

"Of course, my love," Peter replied, kissing Neal's shoulder. He held his left hand out and Neal swiped the brush over it. Peter pressed his hand against the wall, linking his and Nicky's pinkies. Nicky giggled before taking off, leaving his fathers alone in the babies' room. "Doing okay, Neal?"

Neal nodded. "Yeah. Feeling a lot better. I talked to Nicky." Peter was glad to hear that, at least until Neal said: "He knows I tried to kill myself a couple years ago."

Peter stared at his husband, his eyes widened. "What did he say?"

"He asked if I was going to try again." Peter gave him a concerned look and Neal shook his head. "I'm not going to try again, Peter. My family is too important to me," he whispered.

Peter kissed his forehead, snaking his arm around Neal's waist. "You're important to us, baby."

Peter complimented Neal's artwork on the wall, which thrilled the younger man. Peter told him it was incredible and then he'd kissed Neal passionately. Before they shut down for the night to relax, the two men played with the paint a little more. Neal pressed his left hand onto the wall in a different spot and Peter pressed his right onto the wall, linking their thumbs together. Neal pulled his marker out that he'd used earlier to separate the colors of the wall and elegantly wrote: _Neal & Peter—March 2014._

Even though paint was on their hands, Peter held Neal's hips and Neal's arms wound around Peter's neck as they lazily kissed each other in the open room. Neal was so thankful for his husband. Earlier had been chaotic and hurt Peter a lot, but Peter pulled him through. Without Peter, Neal wasn't sure if he'd be able to come out of that terror. After they parted, Peter held Neal against him and they rocked each other slowly. "I love you," Neal whispered.

"I will always love you, Neal George," Peter said as he kissed just below Neal's ear—that sensitive spot he loved. Neal hugged his husband tighter, believing him. In that moment, there wasn't even the slightest doubt in his mind that Peter loved him and he hoped he could keep believing that.


	16. Chapter 16

Saturday morning, two weeks following Nicky's fourteenth birthday, Neal woke up to his phone ringing and vibrating on the nightstand. He barely opened his eyes to check the time and it was a little after four. He leaned forward as best he could with Peter's arm curling around him and grabbed his phone. "Karen," he said as he answered, rubbing his eyes. "Everything okay?"

"_Neal, I think I'm going into labor._"

She sounded panicked and he sat upright quickly, rolling off of the bed. "Did your water break?" Peter sat up a little, rubbing his eyes as Neal turned the nightstand lamp on so he could find his clothes. She was telling him what was going on and he was trying to get her to relax. "Karen, it's okay. Breathe and I'll be over as soon as I can, all right?"

He got off of the phone a few moments later and started pulling clothes on quickly. "Is she okay?" Peter asked, concerned.

"She's in pain and having strong contractions and it sounds like her water did break. She's too afraid to wake her parents up to ask for a ride, so I'm going over to help her." He turned towards the bed after pulling his shirt on and frowned. "I'm sorry for waking you up and for having to leave. I—"

"Do you want me to go with you?"

Neal bit his lip. "I don't know. You know I'd love it if you came with me, but I don't want Nicky to be home alone."

Peter threw the blanket back and nodded. Neal, if he weren't in a rush to get ready to leave, would have watched his husband walk around the room naked. He was trying to figure things out with Peter quickly so they had a plan in place. "Taurus is first in the driveway," he said as he threw Neal the keys from atop his dresser. "Take it and go. I'll call Mozzie or Mike to see if one of them can come over. Once someone's here, I'll go to the hospital."

Neal nodded and crossed the room quickly, getting a quick kiss from his husband. "See you soon then. Love you."

"Love you, baby."

He was downstairs and out the door in less than a minute. He took the Taurus and drove quickly to get to Karen's house, making sure he took the quickest route. He'd planned this part out _just in case,_ but he hadn't really expected Karen calling to ask him to take her to the hospital.

When he finally arrived at the house, he was grateful to have an extra key. He quietly went inside and found Karen sitting on the living room floor. She was crying and he made his way over to her quickly. "Hey," he whispered, crouching beside her. She gripped his hand tightly and he helped her up. She was still crying as he helped her into the Taurus. As soon as he was in the driver's seat, he shifted the car into drive and started speeding a bit. He had the bag of Karen's things in the car already since they'd prepared ahead of time. There were a few changes of clothing and some other things she wanted as well as Neal's insurance card and FBI identification—because he knew he would be speeding—and Karen's own identification. He had the paperwork she needed and he told her not to worry about it because he'd be there with her to help out.

"I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I didn't want to wake you up, but it was really hurting. I waited as long as I could."

He hushed her, reaching over to cradle the back of her head, stroking her hair slowly. "Don't worry about it. I'm glad you called."

She frowned, holding her stomach. "Where's Peter?"

"At home. He got up when I did and he's trying to get someone to babysit Nick for a little while," he said quietly. "I'm not sure if Peter can stay the whole time, but he'll try. I'll be with you through all of it."

"He still doesn't want to be with us when I'm giving birth?"

He chuckled quietly. "My husband is still as paranoid as he was when I first discussed it with him." She laughed a little and then groaned. He glanced over briefly, trusting Peter's car to take control when it needed to. "How bad is it?"

"When I was timing the contractions, they were still about ten minutes apart."

Upon arriving at the hospital, he spoke to someone in the emergency room and got a wheelchair for Karen. One of the women behind the desk showed them to the elevators and told him to head up to the sixth floor where Karen would be taken care of. He got them into a private room and a few nurses helped him get Karen comfortable as well as into maternity clothing she'd be wearing for the birth.

The nurses were taking care of her as Neal was working out all of the paperwork. It took him a few minutes, but he'd gotten everything set. As soon as he went back into Karen's room, she was relieved to see him. "Hey," he said gently, walking over to stand beside the hospital bed she was propped up on. "How ya doing?"

"Hurting," she whispered.

He gave her a soft smile, taking her hand. "Well, you've got two beautiful babies inside of you. I don't doubt you're hurting." She only smiled because he did. "Do you want to get up and walk around with me for a few minutes or is there anything I can do for you right now?"

She sighed heavily and tried to get off of the bed. He helped her down and kept her balanced. "Thanks," she said gratefully. He wrapped his arm around her and let her lead him around. "I can feel them both moving, Neal." She grabbed his other hand and placed it on her stomach, hoping he could feel something. One look at his face told her that he did feel something. He looked so awed. The look of pure happiness and excitement on his face was enough to inspire her to keep going. She knew her babies would have amazing parents. She knew Neal would undoubtedly love them with all of his heart.

Several hours passed and Neal left the room to get himself and Karen some food from the vending machine. So far, Peter was having a rough time getting a hold of Mike and Mozzie. His phone buzzed as he was about to bend down and grab the Pepsi he bought. He groaned and shoved the bags of chips he'd already bought into his pocket before he pulled his phone out, glancing at it. Upon answering, Peter said, "_Honey, how's everything there?_"

"It's like you knew I was bending over," Neal answered instead. Peter laughed on the other end and Neal smiled. "She's a little tired. Still in pain and having contractions. The doctor told me she could have them anytime today or it might not happen until several days from now." He knelt to grab his Pepsi and stood up. "I don't know how he came to the conclusion that she won't be having the babies today. She's definitely in labor and her water is broken. It's just a matter of time now, honestly."

Peter made a thoughtful noise on the other end. "_I finally got Mike on the phone and he'll be here shortly. After he gets here, I'll head over to the hospital to see you and Karen._" Peter was quiet for a moment. "_I really miss you, baby._"

Neal smiled shyly even though Peter wasn't there to see it. "I miss you just as much, my love," he whispered. He started heading over to the elevator when he heard Mike talking to Peter on the other end. After a few moments, he heard keys jingling. "I take it you're on your way here?"

"_Yes, hon._"

"Awesome. Do you want me to wait for you in the lobby or just meet you on the floor?"

"_You head back up to Karen to keep her calm. I'll let you know when I get there and have you stand outside the room to get me in._"

Neal nodded. "Sounds good, babe. Sixth floor." He glanced at the Pepsi in his other hand and asked, "Do you want me to buy you anything while I'm at the vending machine?"

Peter made a small noise. "_Nah. I'm okay, baby. Thank you though._"

"Anytime," Neal said softly as he hit the button for the elevator. "I'll see you soon, Peter. Love you so much."

The other man chuckled. "_See you soon, honey, and you know I love you just as much._"

They hung up and he smiled just as the elevator doors opened. He stepped in and went up to the sixth floor. After several minutes of people getting on and off on multiple floors, he finally got there. "Oh, God. Neal, I'm so glad you're back," Karen moaned when he came into the room. He glanced at her, his brows furrowing. "Neal, the doctor said it's time."

He set his drink and snacks down, immediately heading over to her. "We're going to take her into the delivery room. Are you the father?"

Neal froze for a moment. He hadn't discussed any of this with the doctor before. "He's adopting the babies," Karen said, groaning in pain. "He didn't get me pregnant, but he's their father." The doctor was starting to say that Neal wouldn't be allowed into the room with her, but she protested. "He _is_ coming into the room. I don't give a damn. I'm having two babies for him, so he deserves to be in the room!" Neal's brows rose to his hairline as she began to breathe heavily. "If Neal can't go in with me, I want a different doctor who _will_ let him in."

The doctor gave in. As soon as they were in the delivery room, Neal was standing at Karen's bedside, holding her hand. The doctor was talking to a nurse and Neal was trying to distract Karen because she was extremely nervous. He was so excited and he'd really been looking forward to this, but she was terrified. "Hey," he said quietly, waiting until she looked at him. When she did, he stroked her hair out of her face with his other hand. "Everything's going to be just fine. I'll be right here with you through it all, okay?"

She nodded. "Is Peter here?"

"No. He's on his—_shit._" She gave him a confused look. "I should probably let him know that we aren't in the room…" He pulled his phone out with the hand she wasn't holding and unlocked his phone, quickly shooting a text to Peter. "In delivery room. Not sure if you want to wait in the room for us. It's two-twenty-six."

Peter replied a few moments later. "_I'm on the floor. Do you think it's too late for me to ask to be in the room with you?_"

He glanced at Karen. "Peter's here. He's asking if he can come in."

Karen smiled up at him. "Definitely. If he's comfortable, then definitely."

Neal let Peter know and went to get him really quick. As soon as Peter met his husband outside the room, he pulled Neal close and kissed his neck. "What made you change your mind?" Neal asked softly, rubbing Peter's back.

"I want to share this with you," he whispered. "These are our babies. I _should_ be there with you." Peter held onto Neal tightly, breathing him in. "What kind of father and husband am I if I miss my children's birth?"

Neal smiled as they backed away from each other. "That means a lot to me," he said quietly, taking his husband's hand. He led Peter into the room and Karen greeted them both despite the pain she was in. The younger man stood directly at Karen's bedside, taking her hand, and Peter stood behind him with his hands on Neal's shoulders. The doctor announced that he could see the first baby's head. Neal couldn't contain his excitement very well even as Karen breathed heavily while pushing. She was crushing his hand, but he was all right with that. It was worth the slight pain. After all, she was going through _so_ much more pain than he was. "You're doing great," Neal said, encouraging her.

Joseph was the first one to be born and his sister, Gabriella, was born fifteen minutes later. In the aftermath, Karen smiled up at the two men while they held one baby each. "Congratulations," she whispered to them.

Neal turned a bit and leaned towards her, kissing her forehead. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "You don't know how much this means to us." She was beyond exhausted after giving birth to two children, so Neal and Peter asked her to get some rest and she did that without complaint. The couple stayed in the room as the doctors were making sure everything was fine. "They're so beautiful," Neal whispered to his husband, looking up at him.

Peter leaned forward and kissed the younger man deeply. When they parted, they smiled at each other. "They are," Peter agreed. Peter gave their son to the doctor so they could go through with a circumcision. He stood behind his husband, arms wrapped around his waist and his chin on Neal's shoulder. "I'm so glad I came in," he whispered. "I would have missed the look on your face as soon as Gabriella was put into your arms."

"Watching you hold Joey was just as precious," Neal countered, tilting his head a bit to rub his skin against Peter's.

"When are we able to take them home?"

"I think we can take them home tomorrow after the doctor checks them and makes sure they're okay. If they need additional care, they'll probably have to stay longer." He paused for a moment. "I'm going to stay overnight for Karen—if that's okay."

Peter nodded, kissing Neal's jaw. "I'll go home with Nicky and bring him with me in the morning. He's going to be so excited."

When Joey was brought back into the room, he was given to Peter again while whimpering a bit in pain. Neal was grinning at his daughter, talking to her quietly, telling her that he's her daddy and that he loves her very much. Peter was just awestruck as he watched his husband. The way he cradled her in his arms was so natural and he just looked so _happy._ It was so strange to look at his husband and see different sides to him. Two weeks ago, Neal went into hysterics when Peter told him that the two monsters who'd raped him were out of prison. He watched his husband sob in the corner of the bathroom on the floor and now he was watching him grin at their daughter while he held her.

"You're so beautiful," Neal whispered to her.

Peter was absolutely speechless for the moment. This man could fall to pieces in an instant upon hearing something that triggered his worst nightmares, but he could pull himself together and enjoy life afterwards. "You deserve this," Peter said quietly, his eyes still on Neal. Neal looked up and over at Peter, question in his expression. "You deserve this happiness. You're smiling, Neal. I haven't seen you smile quite like this in a while." Neal cracked another smile for his husband and it touched his eyes. "I love you, Neal, and I'm so lucky to be here with you."

Neal crossed the room to stand in front of the older man. "You're the only one I'd want here with me," he whispered. He held Gabriella up a little and laughed lightly. "Look. We have these two beautiful children. They're _ours,_ Peter—and we have a fourteen year old at home." Peter kissed Neal and smiled warmly at him. "I wouldn't have all of this if I didn't have you, Peter. You made me believe I'm a good daddy and I wanted to do it all over again—with you."

•◊•

Karen was moved back into her room overnight and Neal stayed with her, sleeping in one of the chairs. When Peter walked in with Nicky the next morning, Neal was still asleep and Karen was breastfeeding the babies. Nicky didn't seem to care about what Karen was doing. He saw his little brother and sister and was immediately excited. His eyes flew over to his sleeping father and he smiled. Nicky crossed the room and went to wake Neal up gently while Peter stood with his hands in his jeans pockets, watching them. "Don't wake him," Karen whispered, watching Nicky. The fourteen year old turned to her and raised an eyebrow. "He just got to sleep. He was up all night with the babies."

"Sounds like my husband," Peter said, chuckling. He stepped closer to the bed and glanced at Karen. "How are they?"

She grinned. "They're good. The doctors said they're doing just fine and you guys should be able to take them home today."

Peter's lips parted. "Really?"

"Yep. I've been able to feed them and I've discussed this with Neal." She glanced over at the sleeping man when Nicky sat down in the chair beside him. "I told him I can pump milk for you guys that you can store for a while."

The older man's brows furrowed. "I didn't realize you could do that."

She smiled at him. "Well, they're your babies, Peter. I can't be in their life. If I get attached to them, I'll try to find ways of supporting them and I can't do that. I need to give you all space to form your bonds without interfering."

"That's very mature of you," he said.

Karen nodded slowly, glancing down at the babies. "They're so cute, but there's nothing I can do for them. If I take them from you two, they'll be miserable. Fortunately, I can't come after you two for the babies if I change my mind in the future. I have completely severed my rights to them both." Peter nodded. He remembered sitting in a room with her, their lawyers, and Neal as they all discussed the implications of this. She understood that she would have no rights to them. As soon as she, Neal, and Peter signed, she'd officially given her rights to them. "Neal filled out paperwork during the night. He's such a sweetheart. He told me he wanted me to get some sleep and said not to worry about anything." She looked concerned when she gazed up at Peter. "I'm worried about how much this is going to cost you guys. Having babies isn't cheap…"

Peter shook his head. "Neal and I have them on our insurance, for starters, and we've taken care of payments. Everything Neal filled out last night already went through a couple hours ago." She looked confused and he laughed lightly. "We have a joint bank account—and we have had it for quite some time actually. We talked about it after we got engaged and I thought it would work nicely. The only downside to sharing the account with him is that I can't hide gifts I've bought for him. He checks it as often as I do—FBI paranoia and all."

"He can't hide his gifts from you either," she teased.

"Oh. He hides it. He uses his friend's account around my birthday and Christmas. He pays said friend back, of course." She giggled as Peter took a seat near the bedside. "He's a little more sensitive to getting things for me though. Our first Christmas together, I bought him a bottle of very old, expensive wine. He told me he wanted something special for a special day and I made a promise to him when I gave him that bottle that I was going to be the one to marry him."

"That's so sweet!"

He grinned wryly. "Unless you're Neal, it is. He was upset, but he got over it. Thank God."

"Jerk," a soft voice whispered across the room. Peter glanced over to see his husband rubbing his eyes as he slowly woke up. "You're so mean when you think I'm sleeping."

Peter laughed and got up, walking over to his husband. He immediately placed his hands on both armrests and leaned forward to kiss Neal. "Good morning, baby."

"Good morning, jerk." Neal chased Peter's lips for a few more kisses before Peter straightened up and rested his hand on Neal's head, stroking his hair. "How're they doing?" he asked Karen, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

She smiled at him. "They're just fine, Neal. They slept when you finally got to sleep. Gabriella woke up a little bit after that because she was hungry."

Neal glanced to his left and saw his son sitting there eagerly. "Hey, stranger," he murmured, leaning over to kiss Nicky's forehead, making his son giggle. "I missed you, kid."

Nicky got up and moved around to hug Neal. "I missed you, daddy."

"Did you see your brother and sister?" He nodded and Neal focused on Karen again. "Would he be able to hold one of them?" She told him that would definitely be fine and Neal got up. "Which one do you want to hold, kiddo?"

"My little sister." Neal smiled and leaned over Karen, carefully taking Gabriella from Karen. Neal showed Nicky how to hold her and Nicky held his arms the way Neal told him to. When Neal set Gabriella in Nicky's arms, Nicky's eyes widened and his lips parted. "She's so little," he whispered.

Neal chuckled. "You were that little once. The first time I held you, I thought the same thing about you, baby boy."

Karen handed Joey off to Neal and he smiled at his other baby boy, walking towards Peter. "This is your poppa," he whispered. "He's awesome. He'll get you into baseball and football when you're older."

Peter smiled at his husband. "Definitely," he said quietly. He moved the small blanket a bit to look at his son and then he glanced at Neal. The amount of love and adoration on Neal's face was just beautiful and Peter loved that he looked that way with _all_ of their kids. "Your daddy is pretty awesome, too," Peter added. "He'll teach you how to cook some _amazing_ foods that I can't pronounce." Peter pecked Neal's temple before muttering, "Maybe you'll be better at it than I am someday. That'll make your daddy very proud."

Neal rolled his eyes. "I'm very proud of my husband even though his pronunciations of foods need work. That'll come in time, darling."

"Daddy." Neal glanced over at Nicky. "Her eyes are opening." His father grinned as Nicky looked awed. Nicky moved closer to his fathers and Peter looked down at the baby girl he was holding. Nicky looked up at Neal and then at Peter. "What're their names, dad?"

"That's Gabriella—Gabby or Brie. This is Joseph—Joey."

Peter chuckled, nodding towards Nicky. "That's Nicolas—Nicky." Neal gave Peter a look that screamed 'you are such a smartass.'

Shortly after seven in the evening, Neal and Peter took Karen to her home and took the babies back home with them. Karen's parents were worried about her and she said she was perfectly fine. Neal only left when he made her promise to text or call him if she needed anything.

The couple stood in the babies' room after putting them both into their cribs. Nicky was downstairs on his phone talking to Trent about his baby siblings while eating dinner with his Uncle Mike. "He's a lot more excited than I ever thought he'd be," Neal admitted to Peter. "If he'd told me early on that he wanted siblings, I'm not sure how I would have responded. When he mentioned after you came into the picture, I knew you would be here for us if we went through with this."

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal's waist, kissing his neck. "There's no place I'd rather be than here with my beautiful family," he said softly. Neal was glad they had all of this set up a couple weeks in advance. They'd even gotten an intercom system so they could hear the babies through a monitor from their bedroom. It was really convenient, he thought. They left the babies' room shortly thereafter and Neal led Peter to their bedroom. "Are we…?"

"If you want to," Neal said, stopping before he pushed their bedroom door open. Peter smirked at him and Neal rolled his eyes. "You'd never turn down sex."

"I've turned you down before," Peter teased.

Again, Neal rolled his eyes. "Well, when you turn me down, I know it's for a good and legitimate reason."

In a matter of moments, Peter dropped Neal down onto the bed and hovered above the younger man. "I love you," Peter said quietly.

Neal was pulling Peter's shirt up, whispering, "And I love you." Neal surged forward and kissed Peter's chest, grabbing Peter's hips. "Move up," he murmured against Peter's skin. Peter raised an eyebrow and did as Neal asked. Neal's tongue slid over his abdomen and he shivered. When Neal started unbuttoning and unzipping Peter's jeans, Neal moaned as he continued kissing and licking his husband.

"Hey," Peter said suddenly. "I'm not thrusting into your mouth." Neal smiled at him, appreciating that. "Do you want to suck me?"

"Kinda. Lay on your back?" Peter nodded and shifted, laying on his back with Neal above him now. Neal was quick to remove his husband's clothing, eager for some time alone. They'd hardly seen each other for twenty-four hours and he was craving this man. Before he was allowed to do anything else, Peter wanted Neal's clothes off as well and Neal complied without complaint. He took Peter's cock passionately and Peter stroked Neal's hair as Neal's head bobbed up and down.

Peter closed his eyes for a few seconds to take in the sensations Neal's mouth on his skin elicited. He knew Neal liked being watched and Peter wouldn't deny that he liked watching his husband suck on him. "God," he moaned. "Baby, I love your mouth so much."

Neal laughed throatily, sending a tremendous amount of pleasure through the older man. Peter was trying so hard not to thrust into his husband's mouth. Right now, he'd love to hear his husband gag a little. That thought made him physically ill. He watched Neal and believed he was as perverted as the men who'd raped his husband if he _wanted_ Neal to gag while blowing him. Neal took Peter in as far as he could comfortably and Peter never wanted to take Neal out of his comfort zone.

Neal teased the slit with his tongue for a moment before pulling back, breathing heavily. "Want me to keep going?" he asked breathlessly.

Peter raised an eyebrow. "My love, you never have to ask me what I want. You know I love being with you in any and every way."

The younger man smiled lovingly at his husband. "Well, are you against being inside of me?" Peter laughed and Neal rolled his eyes. "I knew that was a dumb question the moment I thought about it. All right. Get the lube, babe."

Peter didn't hesitate to sit up and open the nightstand drawer to grab the small bottle. Neal wouldn't let Peter go in if they didn't use lube. They'd never had that issue, but Neal hated how it felt and Peter completely understood. He respected Neal and cared about Neal's body more than Vincent and Craig did. They wanted Neal's body for entertainment and Peter just wanted to worship his husband. "You choose the position," Peter suggested. "I know you're tired."

"I'll probably participate a little more tomorrow," he murmured. He flipped over to lay on his back, resting his head on Peter's pillow.

"I don't care if I do all the work," Peter said, hovering over Neal. He pressed soft kisses along the column of Neal's neck. "I'll do anything I can to please you, Neal. If you're up to topping in the bottom-sense, then you know I won't object. I won't object to you bottoming it either."

Neal rolled his eyes. "Either way, I'm bottoming. The one just includes a bit more bouncing on the bed than the second." Peter smiled as he opened the bottle of lube. He slicked his index and middle finger as usual and watched Neal's eyes.

He thought Neal looked excited, but he also swore he saw something else there. It was gone too fast for him to fully discover what he'd seen, but he trusted his husband to talk to him if there were problems of any kind. He positioned himself between Neal's legs and tentatively slid his hand towards Neal's ass. When Neal didn't object, he slid his middle finger into his husband and gently probed him. Neal moaned, closing his eyes. So far, Neal was seemingly all right. Peter kissed Neal's chest when he inserted a second finger into his husband. Neal made a small noise and Peter lifted his head. "Neal?"

"I'm okay," Neal said quickly. "I'm okay."

Peter was cautious as he continued pumping his hand back and forth, ghosting his fingers over Neal's prostate. He knew when Neal was ready, but something seemed off when he pulled his fingers out of Neal and positioned his cock outside of Neal. "Honey, is something wrong?"

Neal shook his head, breathing shakily. "No, Peter. I'm all right. Make love to me," he whispered. The older man didn't know if he should listen to Neal or not. His gut was telling him that this wasn't right. Neal's brows furrowed as he glanced at Peter. "Unless you don't want to. I, uh…" He pushed himself up a bit and bit his lip.

"It's not that." Neal gave him a confused look. "Neal, are you okay?"

"Yes, love. I'm fine." He laid back and kept his eyes on Peter. "Can we…?"

Peter sighed and nodded. He lined himself up again, holding Neal's hips as he tentatively slid into him. His gaze flickered to the younger man's face and he saw fear as bright as day the moment he was buried to the hilt inside of Neal. Neal started hyperventilating and Peter tried to move away from him to end at least one part of the terror. He grabbed onto Peter and held him there. "Neal," Peter whispered. "Hon, let go of me so I can get out of you."

Neal shook his head. "Don't leave me," he whispered. Peter held him and chose not to move. He wanted to separate their bodies because he felt that this wasn't helping Neal in any way, shape, or form. Neal didn't want that separation. "Just wait. Please."

After several minutes of near silence, Neal relaxed and laid back, keeping his hands on Peter, who was concerned. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Neal muttered. "Just…make love to me, Peter."

Peter shook his head. "No. I'm not forcing this on you when—"

"I'm asking you to fuck me, Peter," he said exasperatedly.

The older man didn't say anything. He saw the pain and fear in Neal's eyes and he wanted to know _why_ it was there. "Neal George, I am _not_ doing anything unless you tell me what just happened. I refuse to put you in a position you're not comfortable with." Neal's jaw set firmly and he pushed Peter off of him, hissing when Peter slipped out of him. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and got up, immediately heading towards the door to grab his robe. "Where are you going?"

Neal was tying his robe as he said, "I'm going to go masturbate because my husband refuses to touch me."

Peter lurched off of the bed and gripped Neal's shoulder, forcing him to turn to face him. "Don't turn this around on me," Peter whispered. "I love you and something's bothering you. I can see it in your eyes, damn it."

"You always assume something's wrong with me, Peter. I am totally fucked in the head, all right? You knew that several years ago. As soon as I told you I was raped, you knew I was hopeless. There's nothing remotely—"

The older man lost it for a moment and shoved Neal against the door. Neal's eyes widened. "I'm really tired of this, Neal. How many times do I need to tell you that there's nothing wrong with _you?_ How many times do I have to tell you I love you and I care about you before you finally believe me? Our talk two weeks ago did _nothing_ for you apparently. You heard what you wanted to hear and said what you think I wanted you to say." Neal's throat felt constricted and his entire body tensed. Peter was gripping his forearms tightly and he looked really pissed. "I've never tried to hurt you. I'm worried about you, Neal. When I looked at you as you laid beneath me, I saw _fear_ in your eyes. You were seeing them, weren't you? You were feeling what they did to you."

"Peter, I don't want to talk about it," Neal whispered, his voice shaking. Peter growled angrily as he roughly let go of Neal's arms.

"Fine. I can't make you talk to me," he said fiercely. "Don't you dare leave this house, Neal George. You are _not_ running away from me when I'm trying to help you." Neal nodded silently, lowering his gaze to the floor while blinking back tears. Peter moved and Neal flinched. He knew Peter saw it, but Peter moved away from him. He went back to their bed and got underneath the blanket. He wasn't entirely surprised when Peter turned their television on and flipped to a Yankees game. He wanted to run away, to just leave and clear his head without worrying that he'd make Peter angrier, but he knew Peter would only worry about him if he took off. Peter didn't deserve that. Neal slid down the door and sat on the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest. He loves his husband, but he didn't feel comfortable getting into bed with him with all of this unresolved tension between them. He estimated that at least ten minutes passed before Peter muted the game and sighed. "Are you really just going to sit on the floor for the rest of the night or are you going to come to bed with me?" he whispered.

Neal rubbed his right wrist, frowning. "I didn't know if you wanted me in bed."

Peter rolled onto his side to look at Neal. "I'm a little upset, but I still love you to death. I don't want you to sit there. I'd really prefer it if you got up here and curled up with me." Neal slowly pushed himself to his feet, knowing Peter's eyes were following his every move. "You're not a slave, Neal, and I'm not Matthew. I won't ask you to sleep on the floor. You're more than welcome to join me, but that's your decision." Neal nodded, slowly untying his robe. Peter made him stop as he said, "Leave it on if you feel comfortable like that."

"You aren't dressed…"

"And that's my choice. I'm fine without my clothes on." He sighed. "Neal, you have so many reasons to keep yourself hidden from me. I'm not going to sit here and beg you or order you to take your clothes off. That's not who I am."

Neal nodded and hesitated before he continued untying his robe. He slid it off of his shoulders and hung it up on the back of the door. Peter was still watching him as he neared the bed and his heart fluttered a bit when Peter lifted the blanket for him to slide in. Neal sat beside Peter, frowning down at his hands. "You were right," he whispered. Peter glanced at him for a moment before he continued. "It was Craig and Vincent. Again." Peter rested his hand on Neal's left hand, curling his fingers around Neal's gently. "Don't yell at me, please," he pleaded. "I'm really sorry that I keep seeing them. I wish I wasn't seeing them. They're ruining our sex life."

"You and I make love quite often, Neal. A lapse in our sex schedule here and there won't kill us."

"You don't get it," Neal whispered. "You're completely fine with my inability to lay down and let you screw me. It really pisses me off, Peter. I want you really badly and I can't have you because I'm so scared. They scare me to death, Peter. I'm afraid they're going to find me and take me from all of you. I'm afraid they'll kill me this time."

Peter grabbed the remote and shut the television off. Neal sighed and looked away from Peter. "You're more important than people who don't know I exist," Peter said quietly, taking Neal's hand to intertwine their fingers. "Honey, I've told you that I understand. I understand as much as I possibly can and I'm sorry that there are times when I really have no clue. I've tried to listen to you and I've tried to feel the way you feel, but I have no idea how you're feeling or what you're really thinking sometimes. You're not a sex toy. You aren't required to crawl into bed and immediately lie down so I can fuck you." Peter's jaw set firmly for a few moments and his eyes hardened when he looked away from his husband. "_No._ There will never be a moment when I tell you I'm going to fuck you whether you like it or not. _Never._" He looked directly at Neal now and fiercely stated, "I will admit to you that I'm an ass at times, Neal, but I am _not_ a monster. I will never take advantage of you. It's why I couldn't make love to you when you told me to. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't go further. I'm not hungry for sex like _they_ are. I don't look at you and immediately want to shove myself into you. Jokingly, there are times when I do want you that badly, but I'd never act on it unless I knew you were absolutely fine with that. You're my soulmate. I love you. I'm supposed to care for you, Neal."

Neal whispered brokenly, "I'm always going to think I'm a broken toy because of what they did to me."

"I will never tell you to cowboy up and face your fear of them. I haven't been raped, so I can't imagine what you're thinking at times. The only thing I can do is tell you you're loved and that you have family here who will never abandon you." He scooted down the bed a bit and leaned closer to Neal, resting his head against Neal's chest. "You'll be afraid of them until I kill them. The moment they approach you, I'm aiming for the heart or their brain." He paused and lifted Neal's hand to kiss his knuckles. "If they had a heart and a brain, it would be simple. I'll kill them, Neal. I promise you that. They both hurt you once already. I can't let them take you from me, from our children. They need their daddy and I need my husband." He nuzzled his face against Neal's bare chest and sighed heavily. "You will always carry this pain, honey, but you aren't broken because of it. I've told you that repeatedly. You're not broken."

The younger man closed his eyes, lifting his free hand to stroke Peter's hair. "Promise me that we'll work together to bring them down, Peter. I'm afraid to die, but I'm even more afraid of taking you with me."

Peter kissed Neal's skin. "We're a team, Neal, and we work well together. We're partners in every sense of the word, so we're going to put all of our resources together to find these bastards. I'm not going to let them get to us." He was mentally vowing that he wouldn't let either of them touch Neal. After all of this time, Neal needed a get out of jail free card when it came to Vincent and Craig. Neal didn't want to run, but Peter wouldn't stand around and wait for them to surface and take Neal. He would find them before they had the chance to look at Neal and consider doing _one_ thing to him. No matter where he went, he'd take his gun with a full magazine ready to go. He was hellbent on protecting the man beside him because he was too afraid to even consider living without him.


	17. Chapter 17

Around noon Monday morning, Neal was staring at his computer clock and his phone alternatively. The moment his phone rang, he answered. "Hey, Moz."

"_Holy hell. You answered fast._" Neal bit his lip. He didn't like making it seem as though he needed to know every hour on the hour how the babies were doing, but he was overly worried. Mozzie offered to help him and Peter since they needed to go to work and Mozzie had plenty of free time. "_A little obsessive, daddy?_" Neal groaned and palmed his forehead. "_You seem to forget I was with you when Nicky was a baby, mon frère. You worry over the simplest of things when it comes to your children._"

Neal smiled a little. "_Because_ they're my children," he said. "I panicked for thirteen years. As soon as Nick turned fourteen, I honestly felt relieved. I believe Adler and Craig won't go after Gabriella, but now I'm concerned about Joey. I'm going to spend the next thirteen years of my life living stressfully until he's fourteen."

Mozzie sighed on the other end. "_Your husband is doing all that he can to help you. He doesn't like this any more than you do, mon frère. He loves the four of you and I know he'll do anything to protect you._" There was a brief pause before he added, "_Territorial Suit that he is and all, I know this for fact._"

"That's my hubby," Neal said, chuckling. "I love him and I love that he loves me and our kids. Speaking of which, how are the little ones?"

"_They're doing fantastic. Gabriella seems like she'll be the stubborn type down the road—beware overly protective fathers who refuse to let their daughters act like girls in this modern day and age._"

Neal rolled his eyes just as Peter was coming down the stairs from his office. "My daughter is going to be well-mannered and she'll know not to sell her body for money or other material items. I'm going to teach her to respect herself."

Mozzie snorted and Neal raised an eyebrow. "_Quite the hypocrisy from one who respects himself very little._"

"On the phone with Mozzie again?" Neal glanced up at his husband and nodded.

He turned a bit and muttered, "Moz, go fuck yourself. It's different when it's my kid." Peter gave Neal a curious look and Neal mouthed that he'd explain later. Mozzie was laughing on the other end and Neal was glad Mozzie was at least amused by the comment rather than pissed off.

Mozzie sighed, laughing quietly. "_Oh, mon frère… You are such an excellent father, but a horrible self-promoter._"

"Wow. I feel like I have two husbands now," Neal said sarcastically. Mozzie guffawed and Neal rolled his eyes once more. "All right, you little pain in the ass. I have to get back to work. If anything comes up, my phone is on-hand at all times now."

Mozzie made a sound of acknowledgment before hanging up. "Well, what was that all about?"

"He told me Brie was being stubborn and suggested that she'll act like girls _today,_ to which I replied that I'd teach her to respect herself and you know where this is going." Peter smiled at his husband. "Anyway," he said as he nodded towards a file Peter had in his hand. "What's that?"

Peter moved to stand at Neal's side, setting the file down on the desk. "Our next case." Neal looked intrigued as he skimmed it. "It's only a suspicion at the moment. We have nothing concrete as evidence yet, so we've got our work cut out for us."

Neal chuckled. "Like that's ever been a problem for us before."

The older man stroked Neal's hair, nodding. "How are you feeling, baby?" Neal shrugged a bit. "Neal, don't hold out on me, hon."

"Chest hurts a little and I'm feeling anxious," he said quietly. "I think I might talk to a doctor about getting some medications going because it's been really out of control."

Peter's brows furrowed. "What kinds of medications are we talking?"

"Well, anti-anxiety, obviously. I might ask about antidepressants while I'm there."

Neal glanced up as Peter got quiet. "I'm not against it, but do you think you really need it? I mean, this only happens to you when, you know, bad things happen."

The younger man sighed. "I don't know. I should probably get some antidepressants regardless. Even when I'm happy, I still have this empty feeling and I hate it."

"You never told me that," Peter said quietly.

"It's not as bad as it sounds. I mean, I hate the feeling, but it isn't severe. I love you with all of my heart and I love our children just as much. My chest just feels hollow sometimes." Peter kept stroking Neal's hair, keeping his eyes on his husband. "I should have gotten medications several years ago, honestly. I definitely could have used anti-anxiety medications when Nicky came into my life. I never feared for myself as much as I feared for him."

Peter nodded. "If it helps you feel better, I'm all for it, honey. I don't want you to live like this when you could get help, but I don't want you to get addicted to them and rely on them. I mean…"

Neal understood. "My mom. Yeah, I know." He palmed his forehead again and sighed. "And my little lapse of judgment, too, for that matter. I wasn't experimental—I was stupid. I didn't like what I was taking."

"These things happened before I came into your life," Peter said gently. "You know I don't hold anything against you. I understand how stressful things were for you when you were doing drugs. I don't condone it under normal circumstances, but you had…" Neal looked up at him critically, a mild glare on his face. "Let's just end that at 'I don't hold anything against you.'"

The younger man sighed again. "The drugs weren't as frequent or as bad as the alcohol consumption and I was drinking for several years. I only started up with the drugs about a month before I found out about Nick."

Peter cradled the back of Neal's head now. "The important thing is that you stopped and you're okay," he whispered as he leaned forward to kiss the crown of Neal's head. "I'm proud of you, Neal, but you already know that—or at least I hope you know that." Neal nodded, closing his eyes. He relaxed while Peter stroked his hair. He really didn't like talking about things that happened before Peter because he was embarrassed to admit he'd fallen over the edge quite a few times and he didn't want to scare his husband into worrying excessively. He didn't want to think of his little failures in life or the fact that two rapists were running around freely out there. He needed to work as much as he could and he figured spending time with his kids would help, too.

•◊•

"I'm surprised to see that you aren't having a heart attack," Neal murmured. He was, once again, undercover as a male prostitute, but he was with Peter this time. He played the part a bit more naturally only because this was someone he knew and trusted. He was straddling Peter's lap and Peter's arms were around his waist, holding him so that they were chest to chest.

Peter rubbed Neal's right side. "You're with me instead of some crazy bastard. As long as I've got you, I know you're okay." He was tugging on Peter's shirt collar, occasionally leaning forward to suck on Peter's neck or jaw. "You know, you're pretty good at this…"

Neal chuckled, licking Peter's jaw line. "It's easier to get into the part in public with you. I don't have to worry about you thinking I'm cheating on you or stuff like that."

The older man slid his hands down to Neal's ass and pulled him closer. Neal smirked at him when Peter didn't move his hands away. "This place smells like sex and it's going to be all over our clothes when we leave."

"We're definitely changing before we get Nicky. I can't walk up to his school dressed like a hooker." Peter smiled, stroking Neal's bare abdomen with one hand while his other hand was still on Neal's ass. Neal glanced over Peter's shoulder for a brief moment, whispering, "Peter." Peter made a sound of acknowledgement. "He's here."

Peter nodded, pretending he was kissing Neal's chest while Neal's hands rested on his shoulders. "Is he armed?" he murmured.

"Doesn't look like it." Neal carefully watched the man they were supposed to be observing while moaning occasionally and stroking Peter's hair. Peter did plant the occasional kiss on Neal's chest, but he was mostly using Neal as a front. "He's talking to some woman," Neal whispered. He was attempting to read their lips. Mozzie taught him a few things, but Mozzie was better at this than he was. "If I read them correctly, there's a transfer at six tonight."

"Transfer of what?"

"Automatic weapons," Neal said quietly.

Just as Peter was about to ask Neal another question a man come up behind Neal and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and gave the man a look of question and Peter sat up to glare at the other man. "I'll give you a Benjamin Franklin for him."

Peter's hands gripped Neal protectively. "He's my sub for the duration of the night," Peter growled. The man raised an eyebrow. "That means fuck off, kid. He's worth more than a Benjamin Franklin." Much to Neal's surprise, the man had the guts to grab Neal's chain from between himself and Peter and dragged Neal off of Peter's lap, effectively knocking him to the floor to land on his right side. He grit his teeth, wishing he'd told Diana he wasn't up to wearing a collar again. Before the man could tug at Neal's chain again, Peter was wrenching it out of his hands. "He's checked out for the night, asshole. Go find another whore to satisfy yourself with."

Neal stayed on the floor, knowing the role he was playing. He got onto his knees in front of Peter's legs, glancing up at the other man. "His ass is mine the moment you let him off his leash."

Peter scoffed. "Keep telling yourself that, buddy." The man walked away and Peter gently told Neal to get up. He dusted Neal off, keeping his eyes locked onto Neal's. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

"What a dick," Peter growled, wrapping his arms around Neal's waist while standing with him. "And I hope you know damn well that the only reason I called you a—"

Neal gave him a small smile. "I know, Peter. We're like actors and this is our stage. You can say every demeaning thing possible to me and I'll know you don't mean it." Peter lifted his hand to stroke the side of Neal's face slowly. "You're keeping our cover, babe, and I know you love me."

The older man sighed heavily. "You better keep that frame of mind if I have to say shit like that about you," he said brokenly. "I don't want to take you home tonight in a bad mood because of something I said to you here."

Neal's left hand slid over Peter's pants pocket, rubbing his wedding ring in said pocket. "The moment I put that back on, I'm not a hooker and you're not a dominant asshole anymore. We're husbands and fathers again as soon as my ring is on."

Peter nodded and let Neal start sucking on his neck while he kept an eye on their target now. Neal was acting the same way he acts when they're in bed together and that was very arousing in itself if Neal's clothes didn't do the trick—and they definitely did the trick for Peter. "Fuck. He's leaving," Peter whispered.

"Go," Neal said quietly. "I'll go stand with Jones for a couple minutes. Please, don't get yourself shot up or I'll really hate you." Peter pecked Neal's lips before nodding and heading towards their mark. Neal turned and his heart pounded when he didn't see Jones in his designated spot. Jones was supposed to stay close in case Peter needed to follow their mark. Neal had to stay inside if he wanted to keep his cover.

In an instant, there was a hand covering his mouth and he was being dragged away from the bar. He tried to fight back, but there were two other men. The one kept his hand over Neal's mouth while one grabbed Neal's legs and the other grabbed Neal's arms. He went into a full panic. Peter was outside of the building and he had no idea where Jones was. He didn't have reception in the rooms and he was being dragged into one at that very moment. Unfortunately, this was all too common for a place like this, so no one even paid attention to the fact that he was being taken into a room with three men against his will.

He thrashed around until he was thrown down on a bed and then he scrambled to get off of it. One of the men grabbed his chain and yanked on it, making Neal gasp in pain. "Where's your master, pretty boy?"

"Fuck you," Neal growled.

The man who'd tried to buy him from Peter not too long ago knelt in front of him and slapped him hard enough to leave a hand print on his cheek. He hissed, glaring at the other man. "You're the sub, whore. You don't speak unless we expressly tell you to speak."

His heart pounded faster and he was waiting for it to fly out of his chest at warp speed. The one holding his chain tugged him back to choke him a bit and the other knelt beside him and started tying his hands. He broke out of the rope before it was tied and he tried to get up and run, but he was yanked back. The air was knocked out of him when his back hit the hard floor. He still kept trying to put up a fight as two of them worked to restrain him and eventually succeeded in tying his arms behind his back. This brought back so many terrors in his mind and he desperately wanted Peter to save him.

He got his breath back shortly after they tied him and he struggled against the hold one man had on his head while the other inserted a spider gag into his mouth and his eyes watered as his mouth was forced open. His jaw was aching and the man with the chain shortened the length he was holding Neal at. He was much closer now, so he was able to pull Neal backwards faster.

Despite the humiliation of it, he started pleading as best he could for them to reconsider. The man from earlier unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out, smiling at Neal. "Take it like a man," the one holding his chain hissed, tugging him back to rub against _his_ cock and Neal thanked God that his was still in his pants. He kept his eyes on the man in front of him, continuously pleading even as the man stroked himself and spat on Neal's face. Neal flinched and shut his eyes tightly. He kept making noises in the hopes that Peter might come back and hear him.

He truly hated himself for telling Peter to leave him in this hellhole alone. The moment he couldn't find Jones, he should've darted off after Peter. He didn't and that's what landed him in this position. He kept his eyes closed and was silently praying incessantly that Peter would come back for him. He choked when the man forced his cock through the ring holding his mouth open. The back of his head was against the man behind him and the man in front of him gripped his hair, fucking his mouth roughly. He gagged repeatedly and tried to scream for help despite the obstruction in his mouth.

When tears started sliding down his cheeks, a gun went off twice. "Get the fuck away from him!" Neal opened his eyes when the man pulled his cock out of his mouth and he stared up at his husband in fear. His chain clattered against the floor and, though his hands were tied behind him, he managed to get himself into a standing position and ran to Peter. Peter wrapped an arm around him and snarled, "Get the hell out of my sight!" Neal breathed heavily, wishing he could remove the gag himself because he definitely didn't want Peter to end up doing it. He wanted it off immediately so he could close his mouth. Neal startled when Peter's gun fired again and the man who'd forced himself on Neal howled in pain. "Sick bastard," he hissed. The man dragged himself out of the room and Peter yelled, "Be grateful that I didn't kill you, you sick fuck!" The moment Peter and Neal were alone, Neal broke down. He wished he'd gone with Peter instead of opting to stay behind. It was such a stupid and thoughtless idea and he hated himself for it. "Hon. Honey," Peter whispered, both of his hands behind Neal to free Neal's tied hands. "I've got you. You're okay. I'm gonna keep you safe."

As soon as Neal's hands were freed, he wrenched himself out of Peter's hold and reached up to undo the gag, ripping it away from his face to throw across the room. He backed away from Peter, afraid that Peter would think he _wanted_ Peter to leave so he could blow that man. Peter moved towards him and Neal pleaded, "No! Don't!"

"Neal, it's just us." He held his hands up to chest level and cautiously moved closer to his husband when Neal backed himself into a wall. "Angel, come here, please," he whispered.

Neal sank to his knees and sobbed. "Please don't hurt me," he whispered miserably, covering his face in his hands.

Peter darted over to Neal and dropped to his own knees, pulling Neal against him. "Baby, I will never hurt you. What they did to you wasn't your fault," he said hurriedly. He rubbed Neal's back with one hand and cradled Neal's head with the other. "Jesus Christ. Neal, I am so sorry." He kissed Neal's shoulder repeatedly, whispering, "Honey, please look at me." Neal's entire body shook as he declined. He didn't want to look his husband in the eyes after what just happened. "Neal George, _please._"

The younger man gasped as he lowered his hands and stared at his husband who looked blurry and watery in his vision. "Peter," he said, sounding terrified.

"Honey, I'm not mad at you. I'm at fault for this. I should've fucking known he'd go after you the moment I left you." Neal's lips trembled even as Peter stroked his hair and rubbed his thumb over Neal's neck. "Where the fuck was Jones?" he growled.

"I-I don't know," Neal whispered. "I d-didn't see him b-before they _grabbed_ me." Peter's left hand moved away from Neal's neck and Neal flinched, begging, "Please don't!"

Peter's heart broke on his face as Neal threw his hands up to protect himself from the blow he thought Peter was going to punish him with. "Baby, stop," he whispered, his voice thick. He reached into his pocket and pulled Neal's wedding ring out. "Sweetheart," he said as he took Neal's left hand. He held the ring up when Neal's eyes finally looked at his hand. "Let me put this on you, Neal. Please." Neal breathed shakily and, for the first time since Peter came into the room, he met Peter's eyes directly. He stared critically at his husband, looking at him to decide whether or not Peter was disgusted. His heart fluttered when he saw the pain in Peter's eyes. He wasn't disgusted because of _Neal._ Neal could see that. Swallowing hard and sniffling, Neal nodded, lifting his right hand to wipe his face off. Peter slowly slid Neal's wedding ring onto Neal's finger, intertwining their fingers the second it was on. "I'm not going to hurt you. If I'm going to hurt anyone, it's going to be that son of a bitch. Not _you._ _You_ did nothing wrong."

Neal breathed erratically as he stared at his husband. "I tried to fight them. I tried, Peter. I tried…" He kept repeating that he'd tried until Peter kissed him fiercely, caressing his cheeks while he moved his lips against Neal's.

The moment he broke away from the kiss, he hushed Neal. "Baby, stop. It's okay. _We're_ okay—I swear." Jones darted into the room a moment later and Peter turned to look at him. "Where the hell were you?" he snapped.

"I was told there was something going on outside and I thought it might be our target," Jones said, confused by Peter's hostility until he looked past Peter and saw Neal. "Peter, is—?"

"He was almost raped because you weren't there to watch him while I ran after the target. Diana has him in custody with his weapons. They were in a car he unlocked." Jones stared sorrowfully at Neal and Neal forced himself to keep his eyes on the floor. "_Three_ men dragged him in here. God only knows what they'd have done to him if I hadn't come back as quickly as I did. Those sons of bitches—" Neal trembled as he looked at Peter and touched Peter's chest. The older man held Neal's hand where it was and focused on him for a moment. Jones saw the gag in the corner of the room and knew right away that it could have escalated to rape if, as Peter said, Peter hadn't come back fast enough. Neal was silently pleading with Peter to calm down because his anxiety levels were off the charts right now just watching Peter blow up on Jones. "Christ," he muttered. He brushed Neal's hair back and leaned forward to kiss Neal's forehead. "Do you want me to take you home?"

Neal shook his head. "I'm fine. They didn't…didn't…" Peter's eyes were full of so much pain and it hurt Neal's heart. "Please don't make me go home, Peter."

Peter nodded slowly and rose to his feet, extending his hand towards his husband. Neal grasped Peter's hand firmly and let Peter pull him up. "What do you want me to do?" he asked softly, still holding Neal's hand.

"Take me back to work so we can do some reports together," Neal said quietly. Neal glanced at Jones and Jones ducked out, leaving the couple alone. Peter rested his other hand on Neal's hip. "Peter, he didn't _rape_ me," Neal whispered.

"He could have. Bastard still forced sex on you. I'll have an ID on that asshole as soon as I get to the bureau and he's getting a God damn lawsuit against his ass for sexually assaulting you."

Neal's hands flew to Peter's shoulders. "No. Please. I don't want this to go on record," Neal begged. "If these sexual assaults keep piling up, I'm going to be sidelined. I'm fine. He shoved his dick in my mouth. I'd rather he do _that_ than shove it up my ass."

Peter was grinding his teeth. He wanted so desperately to go after the man who forced his husband onto his knees, but Neal didn't want him to. Neal was afraid that he'd be taken off cases because he was a liability and he didn't want to be labeled as such. "This stays between us and Jones—if he knows the story. I'm only doing this because it's what you want. If I ever see him again, I will kill him, Neal."

"Save the killing for Vincent and Craig," Neal whispered, looking away from Peter's face. "They deserve it more than that lowlife. He's just a prick who wanted a blowjob."

"And he brought two of his buddies in to help him subdue you," Peter growled. "That bastard had his cock in your mouth and the other one fucking held you there by the collar."

Neal crashed against Peter's chest silently, wrapping his arms around his husband tightly. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. Peter was getting really upset and that would, in turn, upset him. He wanted to forget this ever happened and he needed to start by rinsing his mouth with any and all forms of items meant for oral cleansing. Peter sighed against him, holding him as he always did in bed. Peter was being extremely gentle with him now and he wanted to keep Peter moderately calm as long as he could.

•◊•

Peter woke up in the middle of the night. He thought Neal rolled away from him, so he reached over to try to find Neal and was met with chilled bed sheets. In a panic, Peter untwisted himself from the sheets and leapt out of bed. He only grabbed his robe before darting out into the hallway. He was about to run downstairs, but he heard Neal singing quietly and it sounded like it was coming from the twins' room. He moved down the hall a bit to listen closer. "Baby, you're all that I want when you're lying here in my arms," he was whispering. "I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart." Neal sounded like he was crying while he was singing and it was really pulling at Peter's heartstrings despite how beautiful he sounded. "It isn't too hard to see, we're in heaven." He heard Joey making small noises as Neal kept singing softly. "Oh, once in your life you find someone who will turn your world around, bring you up when you're feeling down." Peter knew Neal was _definitely_ crying because Neal's voice sounded thicker now. "Yeah, nothing can change what you mean to me. Oh, there's lots that I could say, but just hold me now—'cause our love will light the way…"

Peter gently pushed the door open and Neal looked up from their son to meet Peter's gaze. "Are you okay?" Peter asked softly, moving further into the room. Neal was standing in the center of the room while feeding Joey and there were tear trails down both sides of his face.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

The older man sighed lightly before moving closer to Neal. He wiped Neal's tears away gently. Neal gave him a small, appreciative smile. "Is there anything I can do?"

Neal nodded slowly. "Just… You heard the lyrics."

"I'll hold you close, honey," Peter promised. He moved to stand behind Neal and slid his arms around Neal's waist, just below his arms. "How long have you been up with him?" "Brie woke me up an hour and a half ago, I think. She took twenty minutes to calm down and then Joey started crying just as I was going to head back to bed." He leaned his head back to nuzzle his face against Peter's. "Honestly, I needed to hold them tonight—more than ever." Joey's tiny hands were up against Neal's chest and Peter understood. Neal needed to find his reasons to relax and holding his babies—Nicky or the twins—helped. Neal felt so weak after the men dominated him earlier in the day. With his children in his arms, Neal felt that he could actually protect them even if he couldn't protect himself—in his logic. He could just feel how relaxed and content the babies were in his arms and they curled up to him, seeking safety and security from his body alone.

Peter nodded, kissing Neal's shoulder. "I'm here for you, baby," he whispered. "If you need to talk or cry or just want me to hold you, I'm here for all of that. I'm here for you no matter what and I hope you know that you can wake me up in the middle of the night at any point if you need me."

"I don't like waking you up during the night," Neal said solemnly.

"Neal George," he whispered. "I don't care what time it is. I promised you I'd always be here for you. If I'm asleep, you wake me up, hon. It's as simple as that. You're so damned important to me, Neal, and I can't sleep while you're suffering."

The younger man nodded and removed the bottle from Joey's mouth, making sure his son was asleep. Peter took the bottle when Neal held it out and then Neal carefully laid Joey down in the crib, pulling the blanket over him. Peter watched his husband, truly loving this man because of his heart. Neal held so much love inside of him despite his past and Peter was overjoyed to see that love extending to all three of their babies. "Do you mind if we talk for a couple minutes or would you rather go back to sleep? Either way, I'm fine."

Peter held his hand out and Neal moved to take it, intertwining their fingers. "I'm willing to stay up, baby. I'm all yours no matter what time it is."

Neal nodded and led them to their bedroom after nearly shutting the door. He still had a habit of leaving the door slightly open because he'd done it for Nicky for a very long time. Neal took his sleep pants off and tossed them onto a chair in the corner of the room before crawling back into bed. Peter took his robe off and joined his husband, keeping his eyes on him. "I never thanked you for earlier."

"Don't," Peter whispered. "I love you. I heard you and I ran in as quickly as I could. Obviously, I wasn't fast enough."

"Peter," Neal pleaded, leaning against the older man. "You know what's already happened to me. You saved me before it could become _that._ You have no idea how grateful I am." He grabbed Peter and laid down on his back, dragging Peter down with him. Peter laid on his side and rested his hand on Neal's stomach. The older man really didn't know how grateful Neal was. To him, he'd failed to save Neal before it became sexual at all and he felt horrible. "Peter, there were three of them. If all I had to do was suck on that guy for a few seconds, I'm beyond grateful. It could've been so much worse. I told you I know how it feels to have two men inside of me, but I can't imagine having a third—if it's possible."

Peter couldn't bring himself to accept Neal's graciousness. "He still made you suck his dick. You had no choice. You couldn't even close your mouth with that _disgusting_ thing they put on you." Neal frowned up at his husband and Peter just felt guilty overall. He couldn't forgive himself for leaving his husband after that man tried to buy Neal off of him. "I should have known, Neal. I should have known he'd try to grab you."

Neal gave him an exasperated look. "Peter, I don't like this any more than you do. It happened. You saved me before something really bad could've happened."

"God knows what diseases that fucker had. For all we know, he probably gave you some oral STD."

The younger man cringed. "Peter, stop. Don't tell me things like _that._" Peter sighed heavily and Neal rolled over, giving his back to his husband. "Don't kiss me or touch me anymore until we find out," he whispered.

Peter stared at his husband, saddened by this sudden change in behavior. "Neal, I'm sorry. That was really cruel of me." He scooted closer to Neal, kissing the back of his neck.

"I'll drive down to get checked in a few hours so I can get to work at a decent hour tomorrow."

Peter knew that the drive down to DC was about four hours. Back and forth, Neal would be gone for eight to nine hours. It all really depended on traffic and how quickly his doctor worked with him. Peter sometimes wished Neal found a doctor in their area, but he understood Neal's loyalty. After all, he'd been lied to by a professional about his AIDS diagnosis. His current doctor has been his doctor for twenty years and has never once lied to him. Peter knew Neal worked through trust that way, which kept him from looking for another doctor. "Honey, I—"

Neal shrugged him off. "Just go to sleep, Peter." Peter was really disappointed in himself. He was hurting his husband when Neal needed his comfort.

Peter waited a few minutes before pressing himself against Neal's back. He tentatively slid his arm over Neal's waist and was relieved when Neal's hand touched his for a few moments. Neal didn't tell him to back off nor did he shove him off. That was always a good thing.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: The slightly explicit scene in this chapter has been edited out, but is present in the version I've posted on AO3.**

Peter watched Neal from his office. They'd drifted apart for a few days after Neal drove himself down to DC to get himself tested and then Neal's results came in. When Neal read them, the first thing he did was show Peter. Everything was, fortunately, just fine and they were both relieved. In the two weeks that passed since Neal was sexually assaulted on one of their cases, Neal seemed very unstable at times. He was having more nightmares and he'd had one full-fledged panic attack in that time. Peter felt responsible for all of this. It didn't help that Neal was being stubborn. He'd been losing a lot of sleep. Balancing a regular sex schedule with Peter and spending hours during the night trying to calm the twins down was wearing him down, but he wasn't asking for help. The few times Peter woke up to the twins, he'd shut the intercom system in their bedroom off so Neal wouldn't wake up while he was putting them back to sleep.

Neal looked downright exhausted and it was worrying Peter. Neal wasn't talking very much about his problems, fears, or worries. He knew he needed to do something or Neal might go off the deep end. He didn't want that to happen. The only thing Neal really talked about anymore was their kids. He brought up his occasional irritation with Jones, too. Jones felt really bad about what happened to Neal during their case and he was trying to make it up to Neal by offering rather frequently to take over some cases for him or just ask if he could help in any way. It bothered Neal because it felt like Jones pitied him.

"Boss?" Peter startled and glanced at the doorway to see Diana. She came in and shut the door, walking closer to his desk. "Everything all right?"

Peter sighed, glancing at Neal again. "Just worrying about him," he said quietly. He briefly described to Diana what happened and made her swear she wouldn't act like she knew while she was around Neal. "I don't know what to do for him. He's really closed himself up to me and I hate it. I tell him I love him and he says it back at times. Other times, it's just a simple _yeah._"

She nodded slowly, thinking. "Have you outright asked him why he's not talking?"

"No. I don't want him to sink deeper into this pit because he thinks I'm pressuring him. I've told him that he can always talk to me." He watched as Neal walked over to the break area to fill his coffee mug. "That's his fourth refill," he muttered. "We've only been here for two hours and he's going through coffee like mad. I'm seriously tempted to buy a water bottle and give it to him with the suggestion that he lay off on the coffee for a while." He jumped up when Neal dropped his coffee mug and it shattered on the floor. He staggered a bit and gripped the countertop. Peter didn't hesitate to pull the office door open and dart down into the break area. He immediately had a firm grip on Neal's left bicep and placed his right hand on the small of Neal's back. "Are you all right?" he asked, concerned. Neal wasn't responding at all, but he looked terrified. "Honey, come with me," he whispered. He was surprised that Neal complied. He led Neal away from the break area and took him into the back near the interrogation room. They were out of sight and Peter turned to look at his husband when Neal stopped abruptly and crashed against the wall. "Jesus Christ. Neal, what the hell is going on?"

Neal shut his eyes tightly. "I thought I heard him," he whispered, looking like he was in physical pain. "I swore he was here. I swore he was going to kill me."

"Neal," Peter said gently, resting his hands on Neal's chest, rubbing small patterns over his husband's vest. "He isn't here. You know I won't let him touch you." He wasn't sure which _him_ was being referred to, but it didn't matter because Neal was frightened nonetheless. Neal opened his eyes and stared at his husband's face, exasperated. "Neal, I think you need a day off, honey. You need to get some sleep." He bit his lip, whispering, "No offense, but you look like hell, angel."

The younger man nodded. "I know I do. I avoid the mirrors as much as possible, but it's unavoidable at times. I know I look like shit right now and it's okay. You're right."

Peter shook his head. "That isn't what I meant. Neal, you're exhausting yourself. You're running on vapors right now."

Neal frowned. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You need a stress day, hon. Between everything going on here and at home, you need one full day to just sleep. Please listen to me. Will you take a day off?"

He looked away from Peter. "I've taken off a lot of time already."

"If I threaten to put you in solitary confinement, will you take a day off?" Neal bowed his head and murmured something that sounded like a yes to Peter. Peter gently gripped Neal's chin and lifted his husband's head, smiling softly at him. "I love you. I'm worried about you, Neal."

"I've been such an asshole at home," Neal whispered. "I'm really sorry for not telling you I love you as much as I used to. One of these days, you're gonna walk out on me and—"

Peter shook his head, flattening his hands against Neal's chest. "I'm never walking out on you, Neal. I belong to you. You know I don't want to be anywhere else but here." He got a small smile out of the younger man and it warmed his heart. "I have a beautiful family and an exceptional husband. I don't want to be with anyone else. I love being with you. I love when you laugh, smile, hold the kids… I love watching you, Neal. Being around you makes me happy."

Neal leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Peter, resting his head on Peter's shoulder. "I love you," he whispered. "I don't want to live without you. I wouldn't know what to do if you left me, Peter."

"Then it's a damn good thing I'm not leaving," Peter said sincerely, rubbing Neal's back. "You're stuck with me, buddy. I love you to death and I really hope I show you that on a daily basis."

"You do," Neal said, his voice sounding stronger. "I know I doubt myself and the ability to keep you in my life, but I do know you love me, Peter."

Peter smiled. "I love you so much more than I could ever tell you."

The two returned to the main area and Neal immediately set to cleaning up the shattered mug, but it was already taken care of. He glanced over at Jones and saw him dumping the glass into the trash. "Jones," he said exasperatedly. "You don't have to keep doing things for me."

"It's not a problem at all," Jones replied smoothly.

It really bothered Neal and he didn't know how to say that without coming off as a dick. Peter probably encouraged what Jones was doing because he still blamed Jones for what happened to Neal. "What do you want to do, hon?" Peter asked quietly, resting his hand on Neal's back.

Neal frowned. "I just want things to go back to normal." He left Peter with that and went back to his desk and work. Peter was hovering slightly from a distance and Neal noticed. He felt so tired physically and emotionally. His body ached a little from their very rigorous sex on occasion and his brain was on overload. He's been so paranoid since that man forced sex on him and it's kept him looking left and right for reports regarding Adler or Craig. He wanted to stay on top of things, so he kept looking to see if they were making any moves. With Mozzie home to take care of the twins, Neal had to rely on the agents Peter assigned to watch Nicky's school. It scared the hell out of him because his son had been kidnapped from school once before. The fact that it happened means it could happen again.

He wanted to make sure it _didn't_ happen again. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to save his son with a trade this time. "Are you okay?" Neal startled and glanced up to see Diana. She looked concerned. Now that he was paying attention, he realized Peter was back in his office and he looked a little dejected as he typed away on his computer.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Just tired."

"If you need to talk…" He just nodded and she took that as a dismissal, heading over to her desk to return to her work.

His email pinged when he opened his browser and he clicked on the tab, checking it. It was from Peter. "_Hey. I know it's ridiculous to email you because you're right in my line of sight, but I want you to read this._" Neal smiled a little. "_Things between us lately have been shaky and I'm sorry. I haven't been the best husband and I realize that. We haven't had a whole lot of time to spend together and I miss you. Making love to you is beautiful, but I love talking to you and making you smile or laugh. You're such a beautiful man. Someone as beautiful as you shouldn't be crying or frowning and I want to help you find the sun._ He laughed lightly. He truly loved this man even though he's been very unlike himself. It wasn't Peter's fault that he'd closed up. He was afraid to talk to Peter because he wasn't sure if there would be something on his mind that would turn Peter off to him entirely. He didn't want Peter to leave him, so he kept to himself. "_Will you have a date night with me in our bedroom? I'm not asking for sex, just so you know. I have some thoughts in mind and I want to know if you're okay with doing that. I want to surprise you if you're interested. Let me know. I love you, baby._"

He hit the reply button and typed, "I'm up for whatever you've got in mind. I miss spending a lot of time with you and I hope you realize you make me happy even when I seem like I'm not happy. I love you and we really need some alone time to relax together. You're the sun, babe, so that's one thing taken care of." He added a smiley face at the end and hit send. He glanced over at his husband and, almost as if on cue, Peter looked up. Neal smiled at him warmly, appreciatively. The older man returned the smile and it made Neal's heart flutter. He'd been feeling so empty lately. It was the small things that made him _feel_ though. Peter's small smile was enough to send sparks flying between them. He loves Peter's smile and he'd rarely seen it as of late. The ringing of his desk phone startled him and he nodded at the phone while glancing at Peter. Peter nodded in response and Neal grabbed the phone. "Special Agent Neal Burke."

"_Hello, Neal._"

Neal's eyes widened. "Craig," he whispered.

There was a soft chuckle on the other end. "_I figured you'd answer your work phone, so I thought it may be wise to call you this way. I have something you want, Neal._"

His heart was throbbing and he felt like he was in physical pain. "What do you have?" he asked tentatively. He heard Craig talking to someone in a muffled tone and then there was a bit of rustling.

"_Daddy._"

Neal's heart could have shattered that very moment. "Nicolas," he said, pained. "Please tell me they haven't hurt you," he pleaded. There was a moment of silence on the other end and he panicked. "Nick. Nick, talk to me."

"_They haven't hurt me,_" he whispered.

"Okay. Don't fight them, Nicky. They'll hurt you if you do and I don't want that. I will do anything I can to get you the hell out of there," he whispered. The last thing he needed was for someone to overhear him and get Peter involved. Granted, he wanted Peter's help, but Nicky's life was on the line here. There was no response on the other end and his lips parted. "Nicky?"

Craig chuckled again. "_How touching. You'd do anything for your kid, Neal, and that's the fun of it. Vincent says hello._"

Neal swallowed hard. "What do I have to do to get you to let him go?"

"_Stonewall. Half an hour. If you come with the FBI, your son will die._"

Before Neal could respond, the line went dead. He glanced in Peter's direction and was relieved to see Reese talking to Peter. He could sneak out this way and he did. He leapt up from his seat and tried to casually grab his coat and walk to the elevator. He knew he was failing miserably, but he was terrified.

Inside the elevator, he nearly broke down. He shot a text to Peter's email from his phone and told him he was doing something. He said he'd be back soon, but he really had no idea if he would be. He made damn sure he told Peter he loved him a _lot_ in case he _didn't_ come back from this. He knew his life was pretty much over once he gave himself up for Nicky. If Nicky got out alive and okay, it was worth it. The pain of abandoning his children and his husband was horrible. He didn't want any of them to get hurt, but he'd never see them again. His children would grow up without him, but they would have Peter and Peter was a good dad. Neal had faith in him.

He hailed a taxi once he was outside and asked to be taken to Stonewall. He left the Taurus so Peter could get home, but then he thought about it and realized Peter would figure things out once he went to pick up Nicky and they told him Nicky was gone. He glanced at his phone when it buzzed and Peter said, "_Okay, baby. I love you very much, too. More than you'll ever know._"

It killed him inside. He loves Peter so damn much. He'd never feel Peter's skin against his or his sweet kisses. He'd never make love with his husband again. Essentially, he'd never live his life again. He'd be a toy for Vincent and Craig. There would be no lovemaking, no tender touches, and certainly no sweet endearments from them. They'd rape him over and over, batter and bruise him, and more than likely call him a whore repeatedly. He wished he'd gotten one last kiss from his husband before leaving, but all he could do now was regret everything he hadn't done and would never do again.

Upon arriving at Stonewall, his eyes started watering. He paid the driver and got out, heading inside immediately. He heard someone whistle and turned to see those two monsters with his son. Nicky looked terrified. "I'm here," he said as he approached them. "Let him go."

Craig lurched out of the booth and gripped Neal's jaw. "You have no power here, child," he hissed. "You do as we say or your son is dead."

Neal glanced at Nicky. He didn't want his son with these bastards. It was one thing for him to live his life in misery. Nicky didn't deserve it, too. "I won't run. I want my son to leave." Neal was enraged when Vincent stroked Nicky's jaw and muttered something about him being really cute. He snarled and shoved past Craig. Nicky jumped forward and fell into Neal's arms, holding onto his father tightly. "Don't touch him," Neal growled.

"He isn't leaving. We don't want anyone knowing we've got you, darling," Vincent said sweetly. Neal's eyes widened. He held onto Nicky tighter. "You have two options, my dear," he said to Neal. "Craig and I will alternate between fucking you and your son or _you_ take _both_ of us at the same time every single time."

Neal didn't hesitate to say, "Double penetrate me. I don't give a damn. I don't want you touching him."

Vincent grinned and Neal felt sick. This is what he really wanted. He was just using Nicky as leverage to get Neal to comply. Craig laughed lightly. "You'll get to see your daddy become such a whore, kiddo. Unfortunately for you, you're biologically related. Once your daddy dies, I'm sure you'll be just as pretty as him."

Nicky buried his face against his father's chest, sobbing. "Don't scare him," Neal hissed. "I'm going to let you do whatever the hell you want to me. Just leave him alone." He stroked Nicky's hair, keeping both hands on his son. "I'll be your whore. I'll be your God damn fuck-toy if you leave my son alone."

Craig pulled a gun out subtly and Neal's lips parted. He turned in an attempt to protect Nicky from them if they planned on shooting. "Outside. Get into the damn car, Neal."

Neal rubbed Nicky's shoulder, gently pushing him in front. He didn't want Nicky behind him. He knew they'd shoot Nicky. Vincent pushed Nicky into the back of the car and Neal got in beside him. Both of the older men got into the front seats. Craig sat in the passenger seat with his gun directed towards the other two. Neal took Nicky's hand, intertwining their fingers. Nicky was trembling and crying as he leaned towards Neal. "Daddy, don't let them hurt you," he whispered.

"I'll be okay, baby," Neal whispered back. "I'm going to protect you."

"Shut the hell up," Craig snapped.

Neal had no idea how long it'd been since they got into the car, but it'd been at least an hour. He just held Nicky against him, stroking his hair while he cried. Neal couldn't fall apart right now. Not with Nicky going into hysterics. He needed to protect his son before all else.

They drove up to what looked like an abandoned farmhouse. Nicky held onto his father tighter, afraid. "As soon as we get inside, undress yourself, Neal," Vincent said quietly. "If you listen, we may consider leaving your son alone."

"I want you to guarantee he'll be unharmed," Neal whispered.

"I can't guarantee you anything. It depends on how well you perform for us." Neal warily watched Craig as Craig exited the vehicle. As soon as his door opened, he could see the gun waving him out. He slid out of the car and Nicky came out with him, their hands tightly intertwined. Neal made sure he kept Nicky away from Craig as best he could. He'd take a shot for Nicky if it came to that, but he knew they'd shoot Nicky regardless. As soon as Neal walked inside, his stomach lurched. This was absolutely disgusting and morbid. The bed in the far corner was simply a worn mattress on the floor with blankets and a few pillows. He couldn't find a clean spot in the entire area. "Clothes off, Neal."

Neal turned to face Adler. "I don't want my son to watch this," he snapped. Nicky stood behind Neal, holding his father's hand tightly. "He's a kid. I don't want him watching."

"It's not like we can take him into another room," Vincent said, gesturing around at the open space. "What would you like me to do? Take him outside and shoot him? He can't watch if he's dead."

Neal breathed shakily, looking down at his son. "Go into a corner," he whispered. "Close your eyes and cover your ears, Nicolas." Nicky stared up at him in horror. The teenager was hesitating. He didn't want them to hurt his dad. If he had to look away and cover his ears, he realized Neal already knew how bad this was going to be. Craig cocked the gun and Neal's eyes widened. His pressed his palm against Nicky's chest, gently pushing him back. "Nicky, please. I can't protect you if you don't listen to me."

Nicky's lips trembled and he nodded. He let go of Neal's hand and moved aside, looking up at Neal with tears in his eyes. "I love you, dad," he whispered.

"I love you." Neal watched Nicky walk towards a corner of the farmhouse and his heart nearly leapt out of his chest when Craig charged Nicky. "No!" he screamed. Vincent pulled his own gun out and aimed it at Neal. Nicky screamed in terror as his arms were pulled behind his back and he was handcuffed. "Let go of him!" Neal cried, his heart wrenching at the sight of the pure terror on Nicky's face. Craig shoved Nicky forward and Neal gasped when Nicky hit the floor. "Nicky!" He darted towards his son, but Craig stopped him in his tracks when he leaned over a bit with the gun, aiming it directly at Nicky.

Neal was frozen. He couldn't move and have them kill his son. Nicky got onto his knees and managed to move towards the corner, turning slightly to look at his father. Neal breathed a little easier when he didn't see any blood. "Clothes off now," Craig snarled.

Neal realized as he was about to take his vest off that Nicky couldn't cover his ears with his hands cuffed behind his back. "No. If he can hear this, I won't do it. He's just a kid, damn you. Don't ruin his innocence any more than you already have."

Craig stormed over to Neal and hit him with the gun, cracking it against Neal's temple. Neal cried out and fell to his knees, covering the area with his hand. He glanced at Nicky and realized Nicky turned away, but he was trembling again. "We let your son walk away. We won't touch him unless you decide that you'd prefer one or the other."

"I said I'd take both of you," Neal said bitterly. "Do whatever you want to me, but leave him out of this."

"Take your fucking clothes off then."

Neal forced himself to get up despite the pain shooting through his skull. "Nicolas, try your damnedest not to listen," he pleaded as he unbuttoned his vest and let it fall to the floor. He kept his eyes on Craig's gun as he continued undressing himself. As soon as he was fully undressed, he kicked his clothing aside.

Craig tucked the gun into his pocket and practically charged Neal, gripping his hips as he forced a rough kiss on Neal. Vincent was behind him, rubbing his clothed cock against Neal's ass. "Which of us would you prefer to look at?" Craig asked after breaking the kiss.

He felt disgusting when he said, "Vincent." He could handle Vincent. He didn't want to look at the monster. He watched Craig undress himself, averting his eyes before Craig lowered his pants. Vincent's clothes rustled behind Neal and Neal once again glanced in the direction of his son. He was glad Nicky wasn't looking. Craig grabbed Neal's shoulders and shoved him down to his knees, gripping his hair tightly.

"You know what to do. Pretend we're your loving husband. Make us as happy as you supposedly make him." Neal closed his eyes. He didn't want to look at this bastard. He didn't want to be near these bastards. He'd rather be at home with his husband and children. Nicky would never look at him the same after this was over—assuming they both made it out of this alive if at all.

•◊•

Peter stood in his office at quarter to two, calling his husband's personal phone repeatedly. He left several voicemail messages and hasn't received a call yet. "_This is Neal Burke. I'm unavailable at the moment, but feel free to leave a message. Thanks._" It beeped and Peter hung up.

He left his office and overlooked the bullpen. "Has _anyone_ seen Neal?" he asked, his voice booming enough to gain every agent's attention. "He's been gone for at least two hours now. Has anyone heard from or seen him?"

No one answered. Diana and Jones were deeply concerned though. It wasn't like Neal to just run off without talking to Peter. "Boss?" Diana said as she walked up the stairs.

Peter shook his head and dialed Ascension, waiting for someone to pick up. "Hi. I'm Peter Burke. My son, Nicolas, is in the eighth grade right now. Would you be able to find him and get him on the phone, please?" He waited while the secretary on the other end went to find Nicky. A few minutes later, the woman returned to tell him that he'd been picked up by his uncle earlier in the day. "What? Mike grabbed him?"

"_No, sir. This must be his other uncle. Craig Laird. He said—_"

Peter hung up and went into panic mode, darting to the elevator, calling out, "Craig Laird and more than likely Vincent Adler has my son and my husband. I want teams mobile now!" Diana followed him into the elevator and went with him to the security floor. "Jesus. God only knows what he's done to Nicky. That sick bastard—"

"Peter, calm down. If you act irrational, you won't use your best judgment and we won't be able to save either of them."

He demanded to be shown the security footage from two to three hours ago and watched closely as Neal crossed the first floor looking anxious and nervous as well as afraid. "He knew. That son of a bitch knew Nicky was taken and he didn't tell me." He slammed his hand down on the desk and growled in fury.

Diana watched the footage as Neal stepped outside of the bureau. He waited on the side of the street until a taxi pulled up and then he climbed in. "Boss. He took a taxi." Peter looked at the screen again and memorized the plate number so he could make a few calls and hopefully figure out where the cabbie took his husband.

After two hours of back and forth bullshit, Peter found himself standing inside Stonewall again. "Adler is definitely in play," he hissed with Diana at his side. "He used this spot with Neal to meet initially and this is where they met to make arrangements for the tradeoff between Neal and Nicky." He interrogated the man at the bar and scared the kid shitless.

In the end, they found nothing helpful at all at Stonewall. The car they'd seen Neal and Nicky get into with those two bastards was an unmarked vehicle. "Boss, we'll find them," Diana said softly.

"No. You don't understand. There's no trade this time. They're not only going to hurt my husband. My _son_ is going to suffer." He was so pissed off—mostly with Neal. He didn't understand why Neal wouldn't have gone to him for help. "They've probably already been raped. God knows what's been done to them or if they're even alive right now."

He searched well into the night after making a phone call to Mozzie to tell him he'd be home late. He tracked down any and every possible lead that seemed moderately linked to either of those monsters and came up blank every time.

By three in the morning, he was exhausted. He'd exhausted his team as well and asked them all to go home. He himself went home to see his children, but he realized belatedly upon walking into the house that _one_ of his children was missing.

Mozzie met him at the bottom of the stairs. "Peter," he said sorrowfully. "I just heard." Peter nodded silently, finding himself unable to look at Mozzie. After all of the times he'd promised Neal nothing would happen to him, he'd failed. He wanted to blame Neal for running, but he understood Neal's mind after almost five years together. The only reason Neal would have run without telling him is that Nicky was being used against him. He assumed one of the two threatened to kill Nicky if Neal brought help, so Neal went alone. "Are you okay?"

Peter finally looked at Mozzie and he just _snapped._ "Do you think I'm okay?" he yelled. "My husband and my son are missing! Two rapists kidnapped them and I don't even know if they're alive anymore!" Mozzie was stunned into silence. He himself was upset, but Peter was falling apart. Peter didn't realize he was sobbing until he was stammering to say, "I can't live without them. I need them." He crumbled to his knees, covering his face with one hand as he fell to pieces right in front of Mozzie. "I've lost them," he whispered brokenly. "I failed Neal. He won't come back from this. Nicky never stood a chance. Those sick bastards tortured my boy. Nicky's probably dead."

"Peter. I think you'd know if they were dead."

"I don't need your damned theories and conspiracies, Moz!"

Mozzie glared. "What I meant is that you and Neal are connected. You two have such a strong relationship. I think you'd just _know_ if he were dead. You truly love Nicky as well and I believe the same can be said about whether or not you'd know if Nicky were dead."

Peter shook his head. "Mozzie, they both raped Neal. Craig almost killed him—and he kidnapped Nicky from school. He probably killed Nicky early on before he even called Neal."

The shorter man grabbed Peter by the shoulders and gently shook him. "Neal isn't dead, Peter. I don't think Nicky is either. They want Neal and Neal will only do as they say if Nicky's alive." Peter just cried silently with Mozzie sitting in front of him. "I don't believe Neal would let them kill Nicky. Neal will fight to the bitter end to protect his loved ones—and we all know how dearly he loves that boy of his." Peter nodded, rubbing his face raw. "You saved mon frère several times, Peter. You saved him before Adler could hurt him again and you saved him after Laird raped him. He knows you'll come for him. He loves you, Peter, so much. Stop being so damn pessimistic. Neal and Nicky need you, Peter, and you're the only one who can find them. You have such a strong connection to your husband. For once, I think love will conquer."

Peter knew that Mozzie never believed in any of this, calling it a bunch of mythological hypocrisies. Mozzie doesn't believe in true love, but he must when it comes to Neal and Peter. Peter didn't feel dead inside. He was afraid and hurting, but he didn't feel empty yet. He hoped to God that Neal and Nicky were still alive—and prayed to the God he didn't believe in that they'd still be alive when he found them.


	19. Chapter 19

In the middle of the night, Nicky moved across the farmhouse floor. He'd been waiting for Vincent and Craig to leave and was relieved when they finally did. His father's been too quiet for his liking and he wanted to go check on him to see if he were still breathing. He was pulling the blanket the older men left for him over to his father. The teenager assumed they hadn't given his father the luxuries he'd been given since they were only caring for him to keep his father here and active. "Daddy?" he whispered as he neared where he remembered Neal being. Chains moved across the floor and he heard the quiet grunts of his father's pain. "Daddy, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Neal said hoarsely.

"Did they give you a blanket?"

Neal groaned and whispered, "No."

Nicky frowned. He knew his father was naked and the floor was really cold. "I have one we can share, dad."

He forced himself up a bit, tentatively reaching out for Nicky. He found Nicky's leg and he gently patted it. "Lay down and I'll cover you up, baby." Nicky got onto his knees with Neal's help since he was still cuffed. Neal was only limited in where he could go. He could move his hands freely, but he was chained against the wall. He stretched his arm out as best he could so Nicky could use it as a pillow. "I blacked out earlier," Neal said, pained. "Did they hurt you?"

"No. Craig fed me some chicken and fries."

"Bastard is actually a human being somewhere in that deep, dark black hole of his heart," Neal said, sounding surprised.

Nicky snuggled up to his father, feeling stickiness on his father's chest. Nicky knew it was blood and it made his stomach lurch. "Daddy, don't let them hurt you anymore. I don't like this."

Neal sighed heavily, using his right hand to stroke Nicky's hair. "They won't hurt you as long as I do what they tell me to," Neal whispered. "You're more important to me."

The teenager closed his eyes, crying silently against his father. "You're important to me. You don't deserve this, daddy. You've suffered enough. Poppa needs to find us."

"He will, Nicky. He won't spend a single moment not trying to find us. Until he's here to take us home, I'm going to do everything I can to keep you safe." He draped his arm over his son, holding him close. "You're my baby, Nick. I can't let them hurt you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they hurt you when I was able to do something to prevent it."

Nicky started sobbing and Neal was hushing him gently. "I don't want to lose you," he whispered brokenly. "You're my dad. If I don't have you, I'm alone. My mom's dead. I don't want my dad to die, too."

"You'd have poppa, baby."

"Daddy, I love poppa so much, but it's not the same. He's my poppa and I'd never ask for another guy to be my poppa. He's always cared about me and he took care of me. You're my biological daddy. I have no mom. Please don't make me lose my dad, too."

Neal started crying, too, but he was silent. He just held Nicky close, rubbing his son's back. "I'll fight, Nicky. I promise I'll fight. I won't leave you here alone." Nicky cried a little while longer and Neal held him and kissed his forehead. Neal gently held Nicky's hand and Nicky felt so relieved to be able to hold his father's hand again. If he weren't handcuffed, he'd have his hands on his father. It gave him a sense of safety and security.

"I love you, dad," Nicky said when he was sniffling and hiccupping. "I love you so much."

Neal kissed Nicky's forehead again, whispering, "I've loved you always. There's never been a moment where I felt otherwise." He kept Nicky's hand in his even when Nicky finally fell asleep. He listened to his son breathe and adjusted the blanket over them both. He tucked the blanket in around Nicky when Nicky shivered a little.

He didn't know that a full hour passed when he heard the door unlocking. He panicked, wishing he'd had more time. He hadn't recovered from what they did to him earlier and Nicky was in need of some sleep. "Neal, are you awake?" Adler asked to the darkness when he opened the door, letting the moonlight in.

"Yes," he whispered.

Adler came in further and Neal tried not to go into hysterics. "Here," he said, setting a plate and glass on the floor. Neal stared up at Vincent, confused. "Don't mistake this for compassion. You're still entertaining us."

Neal nodded, carefully disentangling himself from his son. "Can his hands be cuffed in front of him? He can't feed himself or use that makeshift bathroom across the room. Are you expecting us to just piss all over the place?"

"When you boys need to use the bathroom, I'll take you there."

"You stay away from my son," Neal hissed. "He's old enough to go on his own and so am I. We have no means of escaping or going home, so it's not like we can run."

Adler simply stared at him in silence for a moment. "Eat your damned dinner, Neal. Craig and I are going to be coming back shortly. You'll need your strength for what we've got in store for you, darling."

He left, leaving Neal in the darkness. Neal glanced down at his son and bit his lip. He knew he should probably get something to eat, but his son was more important to him. He gently shook Nicky until the teenager startled. "It's okay. It's just me, baby," Neal whispered reassuringly. "I have food. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah," Nicky whispered. "He didn't give me very much earlier. Do you have enough to eat, daddy?"

"Yes." He dragged the plate closer and picked up the piece of bread with butter on it. Nicky couldn't feed himself, so Neal had to help. Neal smiled wryly as he fed his son. "This reminds me of when you were a baby. I fed you just like this." Nicky cried a little as he laughed and Neal felt really shitty. He was pissed off only because they'd essentially forced Nicky to listen as they raped Neal. "Baby, do you want to talk?" he asked tentatively.

Nicky rested his head against his father's chest, breathing shakily. "I'm scared, daddy. My arms and wrists hurt. They hurt you so much earlier and I'm afraid that they're going to kill you." He started sobbing harder and Neal set the plate down, wrapping Nicky up in his arms. He hushed his son gently, wishing he could be a little more reassuring than that. "If they kill you, I'm gonna die, too."

Neal shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly. "They won't kill me. I won't let that happen. Nicolas, you are my world. I'll live with all of this pain to keep you safe." His chains rattled around as he reached up to rub his own eyes. "You're my baby. I'll do everything I can to protect you. If it comes down to it, I'll do my damnedest to kill them—or at least stun them temporarily—before they have the chance to make a pass at you."

After Neal finished feeding Nicky the remainder of the food he'd been given, he curled up with Nicky again, holding him close. He wished Nicky had been let go, but it was kind of nice to not be alone during all of this. He had Nicky to snuggle with and Nicky kept telling him that he loved him. Neal felt like dirt after all that Craig and Vincent put him through, but Nicky's love gave him strength. Nicky was relying on him for protection and he couldn't fail Nicky this time.

•◊•

In the two days that passed since Neal and Nicky went missing, Peter was becoming an increasingly concerning subject. Mozzie and Diana were trying to help him and they'd even gone so far as to call in the parents. Jon and Hannah came down to New York to 'visit' Peter and the twins. Peter knew why they were really there and part of him was thankful while the other wanted to crawl into a hole and sob.

Peter was sitting on the couch with Joey in his arms, feeding him. Hannah was feeding Gabriella while Jon stared between both twins in awe. "Dad," Peter said quietly, getting his father's attention. Jon looked up from the twins to focus on his son. "If Neal and Nicky make it back alive, I don't know what condition they'll be in. Neal is going to be extremely volatile. I…I'll admit that I'm going to need a lot of help." He blinked quickly, clearing tears before they could form. "He'll be a major suicide risk."

Jon shook his head. "You know we'll take care of him, Peter. There's never been a need to ask for our help." He reached over to pat Peter's knee. "I love your boys. If there's anything I can do to help you bring them home, I was in the police force before."

Peter smiled weakly. "Yeah. What, fifteen years ago?"

The older man smiled wryly at his son. "Yes, Peter Michael. I still know how to handle a hostage or kidnapping situation." He thought for a moment. "Neal has a gun. I haven't had one in quite some time, but I'll use his if that's okay with you."

"Honestly, the more the merrier, dad. I'd rather not put you in danger, but I know you'll just fight me on this. I want them back so badly right now."

Jon rubbed Joey's tiny leg and smiled. "I know, Peter," he whispered. "We'll bring your husband and your baby home."

Peter laughed sadly. "They're both my babies."

After both twins were fed and burped, Peter laid them down on the couch, sitting in front of it to watch over them. He's been so nervous about leaving them alone in their room and he was nervous enough to keep them in bed with him. He had Neal's same fear of crushing them while he was sleeping, but it seemed fine thus far. "You're such a good dad," Hannah said, smiling sweetly at her son.

"I learned from two wonderful fathers," Peter replied quietly, giving his dad a small smile. "I look at them and I know I can't go over the edge. Neal wouldn't want me to abandon the babies to save him, but I want to be out there searching for him so desperately." He adjusted the blanket covering the twins. "Neal would want me to take care of them. He's such a beautiful man, always putting his children before himself," he whispered. "He tried to save Nicky from those sons of bitches. He'd give his life for all of our babies. I just know he's so much more sensitive to Nicky because that's _his_ baby—in every way. He made Nicky and he's cared for Nicky for fourteen years. Most of that time was by himself."

Jon rubbed Peter's shoulder. "You've got one hell of a husband, son, and we're going to find him. If I know that boy as well as I think I do, I know damn well he won't let them hurt Nicky."

Peter nodded. "I know and that makes me worry about him. He was an extreme suicide risk after Craig raped him the first time. He's…tried to leave a couple times, too, but that's mostly my fault." His parents gave him a confused look. "Neal and I have had issues between us in recent months. I've almost lost him a few times because I didn't know when to shut up and I made the mistake of talking about his rapes during one fight we had. _That_ could have been the very end of our marriage and I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving."

"Obviously you've made up since then," Hannah said quietly. Peter nodded slowly. "He's a good man, sweetie, and I know you are as well. I won't ask about your fights because that's between you two, but I know you're a good man even if you say the wrong things, honey."

Gabriella kicked out randomly and Peter's attention flickered to her immediately. She looked okay as far as he could tell. "I'm lucky to have him with me," Peter whispered. "He could have walked away because I was an ass and he'd have all three of our children."

Hannah took the babies up to their bedroom, leaving Jon to talk to Peter. The two men were in the kitchen while Peter was doing the dishes he'd let pile up. "I can't imagine how you're feeling right now," Jon said gently. "To be honest, I felt so hollow as soon as you told me. That man has suffered enough. Because I know you so well, I know you'll go right after those two bastards. I want to let you know that I'm right here at your side, Peter. I won't hesitate to help you kill them. Neal is as much my son as you are and I love him to pieces."

"Do you think mom would be opposed to staying home with the twins and Mozzie—wherever the hell that short enigma has gone—for a little while? I really want to be out there. I can't sit here and wait for a call. I don't want them to tell me my husband and son are alive over the phone. I want to be there to pull them into my arms."

Jon smiled softly at his son. "Peter, she wants them home as much as you and I do. Nicky's her grandson and Neal's her son, too. He and Nicky are part of our family, Peter. Neal's not just the son-in-law and I have never once considered Nicky my step-grandson." He tentatively pulled Peter close for a hug and was relieved when Peter returned the embrace. "Neal likes when I call him my boy," he said, chuckling.

"He really looks up to you, dad. His father was never there and his stepfather… I _wish_ he'd never been there. You actually love Neal and you helped him through a very rough and dark point in his life."

The older man felt tears pricking at his eyes. "I'd do anything for any of you. My children and grandchildren are my life. That husband of yours makes you happy, Peter, and he's so sweet."

Peter nodded, squeezing his father. "I want him home," he whispered brokenly. "I want him here so I can cuddle him. I want to kiss him and tell him I love him. I just want to _see_ him." Tears slid down his cheeks slowly. "Lying in bed without him just isn't the same. I can't sleep without him, dad, and I can't sleep knowing my son is hurting just as much."

"Let's get out there and help then," Jon said gently. "I bet he's missing you as much as you miss him."

The two said they'd be back soon when Hannah came downstairs and they left the house. Peter was driving with the police scanner on. He followed a few leads he made, but they ended up leading him straight to a dead end. While he was stopped at a light, he saw a man carrying a child on the sidewalk and it reminded him of Neal.

A car honked behind him and he sighed, driving on. He could just imagine how much pain Neal was going through right now. He'd seen Neal after all that Craig put him through and that wasn't pretty. Neal was roughed up and hardly conscious when Peter rescued him then and that was _only_ Craig. This time, it was Craig and Vincent. There was no telling what they'd do to Neal. He just hoped to God he had the strength to keep Neal from killing himself. He knew he needed to show Neal how much he loves him afterwards because Neal will think Peter's disgusted with him. Peter always hated when Neal said things like that. He never blamed Neal for what happened. He'd been a teenager trying to protect his mother when Vincent raped him and he'd been protecting Peter when Craig raped him. This time, he'd willingly gone to those monsters, but it was for his son. As much as Peter wanted to hate his husband for doing something so foolish, he understood. He knows Neal and Neal would never leave his son in those monsters' hands.

Nicky, if he hadn't been raped or tortured because Neal came willingly, may be okay in the end. He didn't want to count on that though. Neal was going to need a lot of help. His emotions would be in utter chaos. His body will be in so much pain and _Neal_ would be revolted by himself. He hoped his parents would stay in town long enough to show Neal how loved he really is, how worthwhile his life is. Part of him believed he couldn't raise three children without Neal and he really didn't want to find out which part of him was correct.

•◊•

Neal didn't even move when Craig dragged him back to the wall. He didn't want to tell himself he was going to be stuck here forever. He had Nicky to consider and Nicky needed to believe Peter would come for them. Craig chained Neal to the wall again and patted his head, muttering, "Good boy," before leaving. Neal thought the phrase was suitable considering the fact that they chained him like an animal and treated him like anything but a human being.

After Craig and Vincent left them, Nicky brought the blanket over to his father with food he'd saved. Vincent listened to Neal's request that Nicky's hands be cuffed in front of him rather than behind and Neal knew that Nicky was extremely grateful. "Daddy," he whispered, touching Neal's bicep. "Daddy, I have food for you."

The older man breathed shakily, looking up at his son. He didn't want to move. His body ached horribly. Vincent and Craig were finding new ways to hurt him and they made it more and more painful each time they came back to relieve themselves using his body. "Eat, Nick," he whispered. "I'm fine."

"You're getting too skinny," Nicky said concernedly. "You lied to me when you said you were eating, didn't you?" Neal swallowed hard and closed his eyes. His mouth was dry and he was really, _really_ hungry, but he made sure Nicky was taken care of. The last thing he wanted to do was watch his son starve. "Dad, please."

Neal shuddered, whispering, "Is there water?"

Nicky got up and went to grab the glass of water, bringing it back to his father. "Here," Nicky said gently. He set the glass down and tried to help his father get into a sitting position against the wall. Neal made pained sounds, but did his best. Nicky moved the blanket over his father, covering him up. He was worried about his dad. Neal's been naked, bleeding, and cold over the last couple of days. Nicky was still dressed and he'd been cuddling against Neal to stay warm. Neal was breathing heavily as Nicky tentatively pressed the glass against his father's lips. He was relieved when Neal took a drink.

Neal stopped drinking abruptly and Nicky _knew_ that wasn't enough to help his father. "You need it more than I do," Neal said quietly.

"If you keep doing this, you'll die," Nicky said angrily. "If you die, what do you think they're going to do to me?" The older man's lips parted and Nicky saw so much pain in his eyes when they flew open. He didn't like having to say that kind of thing to his dad, but Neal, in his selflessness, was inadvertently killing himself. By giving all of the food and water to Nicky, he was becoming weaker and fatigued. "You don't want them to hurt me, right?" Neal nodded, his lips trembling while he stared at his son. "Then listen to me. You're taking care of me even though you're the one who's being hurt. Dad, I love you and I don't want you to die. You _need_ to eat and drink."

He nodded. "Can I have a little more then?" Nicky smiled a bit, holding the glass up for his father. He knew Neal could do it if he pushed himself enough, but he knew Neal was in a lot of pain and he wanted to help his dad. At one point, Nicky accidentally turned to look at his father because things had gotten quiet. He saw Neal trying to hold himself up on shaky arms as he was forced to take it from Craig while sucking on Vincent. If he wasn't so worried about Nicky, he could have just collapsed on the spot.

Nicky rubbed his dad's temple when Neal was done taking a long drink. "You're bleeding all over," he whispered, pressing his palm against the wound. "Is this from when he hit you with the gun?" Neal nodded, watching his son's eyes trace each and every wound Craig inflicted on him. Vincent didn't want to take part in the bloodshed, but Craig had no problem with it. Nicky saw dry and fresh blood on Neal's body. There were a few wounds that looked as though they may be infected and Nicky only imagined how much more painful that made things.

"Nick, just stop looking," Neal pleaded. "I'm not sorry for protecting you, but I don't want you to look at all of the disgusting—"

"Dad, stop. Poppa's told you that you're not disgusting. You're my daddy. I love you and I'm _worried._" Neal just looked miserable and Nicky wanted to cry. He decided to distract them both and grabbed the bread from the plate, holding it for his father to eat it. Neal tried to take it, but Nicky glared at him. "Let me help you, dad. You fed me when my arms were behind my back. You're hurting and I'm going to feed you."

Neal didn't really have anything to say to that, so he just let Nicky feed him. He ate the bread slowly, trying not to hurt his jaw. As he was chewing, he looked at his son's face. "Do you know how much I love you?" he asked him after swallowing. Nicky just smiled a little. "Nicolas, you're a great kid. You're so sweet and helpful." He groaned as he lifted his hand to stroke Nicky's cheek. "I'm so proud of you."

"Can I hug you or will that hurt you?"

Neal laughed lightly. "Get over here."

Nicky set the plate down and crawled closer to his father, leaning against his chest. Neal wrapped his arms around his son's waist, looking down at him. This was the best they could do for a hug. Nicky kept his hands flat against Neal's chest and closed his eyes. "I love you, too, dad. I'm lucky to have such an awesome dad." He opened his eyes and looked up at Neal lovingly. "I'm so lucky to be your baby," he whispered. "Nobody else can be you, dad."

Neal's eyes watered as he smiled. He rubbed Nicky's back gently for a moment before resting his arms on his son again. "Thank you, Nicky," he whispered. "That means a lot to me." Nicky sat up just enough to kiss his father before lowering himself to rest against Neal's chest again.

The two sat quietly against the wall. Neal was trying not to fall asleep and Nicky noticed. He knew Neal hadn't gotten much sleep since he was so afraid of what could happen to Nicky in that time. Neal startled awake when his head dropped a bit. "Dad, just go to sleep," Nicky said softly. "I'll stay right here with you." He moved around a bit until he was able to get under the blanket with Neal. Nicky helped Neal lay down on the floor and smiled at his father. "I love you. Get some rest."

"You're growing up too fast," Neal whispered, closing his eyes.

Nicky was relieved the moment he heard Neal snoring. The teenager pressed his hands against wounds he could feel blood pooling out of in an attempt to stop it. His dad's lost a lot of blood in the last couple of days and Nicky didn't want him to lose much more if he could help it. Neal's skin was chilled and bruising. Nicky knew Peter was going to be severely pissed off the moment he saw Neal. Nicky was pissed, but Peter was extremely protective of Neal and Neal's well-being. It was extreme enough for him to go to great lengths to actually kill Vincent and Craig.

He traced a few of the wounds to test how deep they were and it really hurt his heart when he realized there were several deep cuts. Nicky didn't care about seeing his father's body bloody or naked, so he shifted the blanket a little bit, keeping it on his father as much as he could, and observed the wounds on Neal's thigh. He traced the letters Craig etched into Neal's skin and frowned as tears welled up in his eyes. He knew most of Neal's wounds would heal and some may scar, but he wondered how Peter was going to react to seeing _this._ Craig didn't leave it alone. Every time he cut Neal, he redid the letters just to see them bleed and that made them deeper.

He adjusted the blanket so that it was completely covering his father again and he just observed the older man. It was really heart wrenching to look at him in such a broken state when he'd been Nicky's hero for fourteen years. Neal took care of Nicky and all of his needs without ever really having to think about it. Nicky found it strange to see someone who'd dedicated his life to his children and family destroyed like this. He wasn't sure if his dad would ever recover from this and it scared him. He didn't want Peter to lock Neal away because he was a suicide risk and he didn't want his father to commit suicide.

Neal's breathing quickened for a few moments and scared Nicky. He thought something severe was happening to his father, so his hands were all over. Because they were cuffed together, he settled for stroking his father's hair, watching his expression shift from pain to absolute agony. "Daddy," Nicky said urgently. He scooted over a bit and started to gently shake Neal. "Dad, wake up." Neal's eyes flew open and his lips parted in a silent scream. Nicky stared at him in horror, wishing he could do _something_ to help. "Dad," he whispered, resting his hands on his father's heaving chest.

His eyes slowly moved to meet Nicky's. "I'm sorry," he said brokenly before he started sobbing.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Neal covered his face and Nicky pried his hands away with some difficulty. "Daddy," he pleaded. "I'm here. You're not alone."

"I should be," he whispered. "I never should have let this happen to you. You should be home with poppa and the babies, not here with _me._"

Nicky stroked Neal's hair, whispering, "Dad, I'm here with you. I'm okay. You're taking care of me. You're my daddy and I want to be with you."

Neal shook his head, gasping for breath. "No. This isn't how you're going to live your life, Nicolas. I can't let them hurt you. I just can't."

The teenager pulled Neal close, nuzzling his face against Neal's chest. He was crying now. He really had no idea how to help his dad. Peter always managed this part of Neal's life and Neal tried to keep Nicky out of it, so it scared Nicky because he felt so helpless. "Daddy, I love you," he mumbled against Neal.

The older man's breathing started to even out as he lifted one hand to cradle the back of Nicky's head. His other arm slid around Nicky's torso and he exhaled heavily. "I love you, too," he said hoarsely. "I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm okay."

"Don't lie to me. I'm old enough to understand now, dad." He closed his eyes and listened to Neal's quick heartbeat. "I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm fourteen. I know about what happened in the past and I've been here during all of this. I can't blame you for getting scared, dad."

Neal laughed sadly. "You're too damn smart sometimes, kiddo," he whispered. "I was having a nightmare. Thank you for waking me up, Nicky."

Nicky rubbed his father's chest with his face. "I don't like when you're scared, dad. There's got to be a way to get out of here."

"I don't know where we are. If I had a clue, I could help you find a way out and give you directions to the nearest place with a phone to call poppa."

His son gave him the worst glare he ever saw from the teen. It kind of shocked him. "Dad, I wouldn't leave without you. You're my daddy. If I leave, so do you."

Neal smiled down at his son. "I'll figure something out. I don't know where Vincent and Craig go when they aren't in here. That's another problem."

Nicky nodded, looking thoughtful. "I could go to the window when they leave and see where they go," he said before pausing to give his father a pained look. Neal looked at him in question. "I don't want to watch them leave while you freeze on the floor."

"Nicolas, don't worry about me. If you can tell me which way they go or how far they might be, we could try to find a way to escape. Getting out of these chains is going to be difficult. If we managed to find a way to unlock them, I could take your handcuffs off and break us out of here."

The teenager sighed. "We'll get out of here, daddy. I just want to leave before they really hurt you." Neal nodded, holding his son close. He was tired of being hurt repeatedly. All he had between fucks was a few hours to recuperate with Nicky at his side before they scared the living hell out of Nicky and took Neal to the mattress across the room. He knew Peter was trying to find them and he knew Peter wouldn't stop until he did. Even if Neal died before Peter got here, he hoped to God Peter was close enough to get Nicky the hell out of here before anything happened to Nicky.

•◊•

Peter sat on his bed with a picture of Neal and Nicky in hand. Tears were sliding down the sides of his face. He missed them so damn much and wished he could find _something_ to help him find them. He wanted to hold his son and make him feel safe—to kiss Neal and remind him that love does exist and it's more potent than cruelty.

He was trying to imagine the pain Neal was in and make himself feel that way. He wished he were in his husband's place. Neal didn't deserve this. No one deserved this. That's why Peter would murder those two bastards. Nicky was absolutely innocent in all of this and Neal was only trying to protect his son. Peter didn't resent Neal for making that decision. He just wished he'd known so he could have tried to help in some way.

The door slowly opened and Hannah glanced into the bedroom when Peter finally looked up. "Hey, sweetie."

"Hi, mom," Peter whispered, reaching up to rub his eyes.

She came in and sat on the bed, giving him a sad smile. "We're going to find them, sweetheart. You've saved him before." She patted his thigh before rubbing it slowly. "I'm sure he's okay, honey. He'll be so happy to see you the moment you break into wherever he is."

He nodded slowly, looking at the picture in his hands again. "I just wonder if he'll ever look like this again," he said as he showed his mom the picture. "He's so happy here. It took a long time to get him to smile like this after Craig kidnapped him the first time. I don't know what kind of state either of them are in and that's what's killing me."

"Honey, you're an amazing man. Neal will just need your love more than ever and I know you'll convince him that he's worth it," she whispered. "You'll get him through this. You did it before, hon. Neal truly loves you and I think he'll put the effort into trying to get past all that he's gone through. He has a loving husband and three beautiful children who need him."

Peter laughed lightly as tears slid down his cheeks again. He stroked the sides of Neal and Nicky's faces, wishing he could feel their soft skin rather than the glass of the frame. "I hope I can save them," he whispered brokenly. "I love my husband so damned much. I don't want to lose him. And if I lose Nicky, I don't know what I'll do. None of our children are biologically mine, but I love them as if they were. They're my babies and they're my world—same as Neal. If I lose one or both of them… I'm nothing without them." He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes as he pressed the picture against his chest. "I need them here where I can hold them. I need some clue as to where they've gone. So far, we haven't found a single trace of them. Vincent and Craig covered their tracks too well this time…"

Hannah scooted across the bed and pulled Peter close. He let himself feel vulnerable and leaned against his mother. "Both of those beautiful boys will be coming home, Peter. You and your father are nothing if not determined. He loves that man as much as you do and Nicky is as much our baby as he is yours. I know neither of you still stop until they're home."

Peter cried silently against his mother. He wished he could just spend twenty-four hours out there trying to find them, but he was exhausted. He slept when he could, but he hardly slept when he did. Every hour Neal and Nicky were gone was another hour of pure torture for them both. That thought was eating him alive. Neal survived three years of rape that seemed like nothing to Neal now as well as a week of hell that Craig put him through. If Vincent had Neal, he wouldn't be this petrified by the thought of what could be happening to them. It was the fact that Craig was involved. Craig was vicious when he raped Neal—vicious to the point where Neal nearly died and he was scarred.

He wanted to save them before it was too late.


	20. Chapter 20

Neal startled awake when the door of the farmhouse opened abruptly and slammed against the wall. He shifted Nicky protectively, but sincerely hoped this was just an angry visit to call him a whore and a slut who didn't deserve to live. Craig stormed in and that was disconcerting only because Vincent wasn't trailing behind him. "Nicky," Neal whispered urgently, gently shaking his son. "Nick, wake up," he pleaded.

Nicky woke up and Neal moved away from him, so he scrambled towards the wall at the far end of the room. "You little bastard," Craig growled. As soon as he was close enough, he gripped Neal's hair roughly and dragged him back against the wall. Neal cried out in pain, wishing he knew what the hell was going on. "Your God damn husband found my safe house, you whore. His agents are swarming all over the place and I hope you know what the implications of that are for you and your boy." Neal's eyes flickered over to his son who was curled in on himself against the wall, trembling as he cried quietly. "If he finds this place, you might as well say goodbye to your kiddo over there."

"No! Please, don't!" Neal pleaded. "I'll do anything. Please don't hurt him."

Craig raised an eyebrow. "You'd prefer to die?"

"If my options are to save his life or mine, it'll always be his," Neal whispered.

The older man looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose I should make good use of you until then." He unzipped his jeans and pulled his cock out. Neal knew what was coming before it came, so his mouth was already open when Craig shoved in. He kept his grip on Neal's hair and thrust into the younger man's mouth quickly, gagging him with each thrust against the back of his throat. Neal shut his eyes tightly and just took it. He had nowhere to go since he was still chained up. "You're such a good whore," Craig said endearingly as he held Neal's head in place, his cock gagging Neal.

Neal was trying to breathe and he was pleading with Craig even though he couldn't speak. Craig just held him in place and pushing against Craig's hips was futile. Tears were sliding down his cheeks and drool was dripping from his mouth. He couldn't breathe and he seriously wondered if this was how Craig planned on killing him—suffocation during a blowjob. "Let him go!" Nicky cried desperately. Neal's eyes flew open when Nicky charged Craig and tried to pull him away. "You're going to kill him!" he screeched.

Craig suddenly shoved Neal aside. Neal gasped for breath, coughing as he spat on the floor. "Nicky!" he cried out when he looked up to see Craig advancing on his son. "Don't touch him! Fuck me! Fuck me now!"

Craig turned to face the younger man, raising an eyebrow. "You'd let me do that to you to keep me from assaulting the child?"

Neal's voice shook as his fiercely said, "Fuck me as hard as you can. Right now."

Craig grinned, moving away from Nicky. Nicky was sobbing against another wall, watching Craig lower his pants as he neared Neal. "Hands and knees, baby."

Neal complied, meeting his son's eyes for a moment. He gave Nicky a very quick, sad smile before turning himself for Craig. He lowered his head to rest on his arms and kept his ass up like Craig wanted him to when he took Neal alone. Nicky had to look away when Craig started raping his father. Neal tried not to scream unless the pain was so unbearable. He knew his screaming scared the hell out of Nicky and he didn't like that, so he'd been trying to keep himself quiet.

Nicky gasped when he heard Neal scream more painfully than he had before. When he looked up, his father's back was arched and he was gritting his teeth, his eyes shut tightly. That was when he saw Craig's blade sliding down his father's right side. Craig didn't even care.

This went on for quite some time. When Craig was finally finished with Neal, there was blood all over the floor. He'd cut Neal's chest, down his right arm, and his left cheek. He curled into himself when Craig moved away from him. Craig laughed at him and spat on him before giving Nicky one long look. Nicky met Craig's eyes and was afraid Craig would go after him even though Neal took so much abuse from him. Craig just walked out and locked the door.

The teenager got up from where he was and ran to Neal, immediately dropping to his knees beside the shaking man. "Daddy. Daddy, are you okay?" Neal tried to play his pain down a bit, but he cried out, clutching his side. Nicky looked around the room and tried to find something to clean his father with. They'd taken Neal's clothes long ago. He took his shirt off and pressed it against Neal's side, firmly keeping it in place. Neal tried to get him to stop, mumbling something about Nicky staying warm. "Dad, you're bleeding out!" he cried. "Don't fight me! I'm trying to save you!"

Neal just closed his eyes and let his son help him. Nicky was taking care of him as best he could. They both needed a very long shower or bath if they were rescued. Neal was feeling sick and he thought it might be a result of so much blood loss. "Nick," Neal said hoarsely. Nicky looked up at his father's face. "Thank you."

"I love you," Nicky whispered as he began to cry. "You need to hold on, daddy. Poppa's got to save us soon and then you can get help." Neal smiled a little. Nicky wiped away the fresh blood that covered his father's skin. He used the blanket as a semi-tourniquet.

It took a little while for Nicky to get Neal's bleeding under control. It hadn't completely stopped, but it was close. Either way, he was wrapped up in Nicky's shirt and the blanket. Nicky got up and walked over to the window to make sure Vincent and Craig weren't coming back to hurt his father after he'd just gotten him to relax.

He was really tired of this. Neal was being tortured because he willingly gave his body to these men to protect Nicky. Nicky wished Neal wouldn't have done that. He was selling his body to those bastards to protect his son, but Nicky would rather see Neal healthy and unused. Instead of that wonderful imagery, he was seeing his father beaten and broken down. Things were beginning to seem hopeless once Neal's strength began to wane at a rapid pace.

Much to his surprise, he saw some older woman nearing the farmhouse and his heart skipped a few beats. He looked around the room and decided to grab what he assumed at first glance was a vibrator. He didn't know or care if this was used on his father. He threw the damn thing through the window and startled the woman outside. He started screaming for help and she darted over to the window. "What're you doing in there, young man?"

"My daddy and I were kidnapped. Please, you need to help us before they come back."

She nodded, seeing the state of the room in her line of sight. It looked horrible and Nicky looked dirty with blood on him. "Where's your father?"

"He needs an ambulance. I don't know if he can move. He's in a lot of pain and he's been bleeding for several days. Do you have a phone?" She nodded, trying to look around for a way to get Neal out. "Can I please use your phone? I need to call my poppa. He's with the FBI." Her eyes widened and she nodded, fishing the phone out of her pocket with shaky hands. She handed it to him after unlocking it and he immediately entered Peter's cell phone number.

He waited as it rang until it finally picked up. "_Peter Burke speaking._"

Nicky heaved a sigh of relief. "Poppa, daddy and I are alive. Dad needs a lot of help though."

"_Nicky? Nicky, holy shit. Where are you?_"

Nicky glanced at the woman. "Where are we?" She gave him a location and directions that he relayed to Peter.

Peter was breathing shakily, sounding like he was crying. "_I'll be out there as fast as I can, Nick. Auntie Di called an ambulance and it's en route. Stay where you are and stay away from Vincent and Craig if you can, kiddo._"

Nicky returned the phone to the woman and thanked her. "He's coming and so is an ambulance. I just hope they get here before those guys come back for us."

The woman took her jacket off and wrapped it around Nicky, smiling at him. "How old are you, little one?"

"I'm fourteen." He glanced inside the farmhouse. "I need to get back in there to tell my dad help's on the way. Can you watch for my poppa?"

She nodded. "I'll watch. Don't worry."

Nicky dove in and ran to his father, kneeling beside him. "Dad," he said as he gently shook Neal awake. When Neal groaned, Nicky smiled a bit. "Daddy, poppa's coming. There was a woman outside. She let me call poppa."

Neal's eyes flew open and he looked like he wasn't seeing very well or he was seeing too much of one thing. Nicky couldn't tell. "He's coming?"

"Yes," Nicky whispered. Neal pushed himself up, gasping in pain as he did so. "Daddy, she's watching for poppa. Relax until he gets here."

"I need to get out of here. I-I… Nicky."

"Dad, everything's gonna be okay."

Nicky held onto Neal for a while to keep him calm even though he was anxious to get out of this hell—until the woman leaned into the window and called out, "The FBI and police are here."

Neal felt so relieved as he gripped his son's hand tightly. Nicky rubbed Neal's hand with his thumb and listened as the FBI and NYPD called out to each other. As soon as they barreled through the door, Neal knew everything was going to be okay. He had no idea how long it'd been, but it'd been far too long since he slept in Peter's arms. "Neal! Nicky!" Peter darted through the doorway and stopped as soon as he saw them. Tears pricked at his eyes as he looked Neal over from across the room. He could see blood on the floor and on the mattress in the corner of the room. Peter ran to them, dropping to his knees. First, he held Nicky in his arms, whispering, "You're safe now, Nicky. Auntie Di is outside. Go see her and she'll get your handcuffs off. I'll get daddy into the ambulance—and I want you in there, too."

"I don't need the ambulance. They never hurt me, poppa. Let me stay with you."

Peter nodded and gently urged Nicky to head outside to get his cuffs removed. As soon as he turned to look at Neal, he moved so tentatively. He had no idea how much pain his husband was in. "Baby," he whispered as Neal started to cry quietly.

"Peter," he said miserably. "I don't want to move. Please come here." Peter nodded and moved closer to his husband. Despite how dirty and bloody he was, Peter still kissed him passionately. He wouldn't let anything stop him from kissing his husband. They'd been separated for two weeks. He was beyond lucky that Neal was still alive. Neal tried to hold Peter, but his arms ached too much. "I'm so glad you came," he sobbed. "I knew you would."

The older man nodded, stroking Neal's greasy, sweaty hair. "I would never stop looking for you," Peter said sincerely. He turned a little and called out, "Get me some bolt cutters. He's chained to the wall with no key nearby."

As soon as Peter looked at him again, Neal smiled a little. It wasn't much, but it made Peter's heart pound in his chest. "I'm gonna tell you right now that you won't like what you see under the blanket, Peter. I'm warning you because I don't want you to be…to be disgusted. It…isn't pretty."

"Do you still have your beautiful dick?" Peter whispered. Neal chuckled painfully, coughing as he nodded. Though he knew he wouldn't be in the mood for lovemaking for a while, he really appreciated Peter's sense of humor in that moment. He'd been chained like an animal and raped continuously and there was nothing humorous in that. It was truly morbid and Neal was absolutely depressed. Now, he felt a little better. His mood was better because his husband came to his rescue and was trying to make the situation less of a problem than it really was. He wasn't doing it to undermine the problem. He was doing it for Neal's sake and Neal realized that. "Then no worries. As long as every part of you is intact, you have nothing to worry about. We'll get through this, Neal."

Neal nodded as Diana came in with the bolt cutters and Peter held his hand out for them. She looked Neal over for a brief moment and it made her stomach lurch. She'd never seen Neal so beaten and bloody before. He looked so weak and fragile in her mind and that wasn't the Neal she wanted to see. She liked his lively smile, the way his eyes lit up when Peter came into the room, and how he laughed so easily.

Peter gently cut through the chains before pulling his husband into an actual hug. "You're gonna help me?" Neal whispered near Peter's ear.

"You know damn well I'll be right here at your side," Peter replied, kissing Neal's cheek. "I don't want to hurt you, honey, but I'm going to have to pick you up." Neal nodded and wrapped his arms around Peter's neck, letting Peter lift him. He shuddered against his husband as pain coursed through his body, but Peter held him in a way Neal almost forgot existed.

He could feel Peter carrying him, Peter's heart beating against him, and voices all around him. The only voice he wanted to hear right now was the clearest of them all—and it was Peter telling Neal he loves him.

•◊•

Peter and Jon stood at Neal's bedside after they were finally allowed in. Hannah was watching over the kids, knowing Peter needed to be with Neal or he'd go insane. "He looks a hell of a lot better than he did earlier," Jon said gently, resting his hand on his son's shoulder. "They cleaned him up and disinfected his wounds. He almost looks like he did before he was taken away."

"He acted like there was something horribly wrong with him when he talked to me about the cuts on the way here. I think he might've been a bit delirious, but he kept moving my hand away from his thigh." Peter frowned thoughtfully at his husband before glancing as his dad. "Would it be wrong of me to look at him while he's unconscious?"

Jon looked uncertain. "I'd recommend waiting for him to wake up. He'll probably show you himself when he's ready, Peter. Don't push him. You just saved him from that fiery pit of hell they threw him into."

Peter nodded, reaching over to stroke Neal's hair. "I'm just glad he's still breathing," he whispered. "I don't know what I'd do without him. This is the love of my life, dad, and he means everything to me." Neal shifted a little, his brows drawing together. Peter was silent as he watched Neal.

"He's here now," Jon said softly. "Don't think about him not being here. You brought him back and saved him from those monsters." Peter nodded slowly, stroking Neal's cheek now. He was trying to avoid touching the cuts on Neal's body. "When you find any leads on those bastards, I'll help you bring them down, Peter. They aren't getting away with this." Jon took Neal's right hand, holding it carefully. "They damn near killed him. Neither of them deserves to live after torturing him like this."

"I'll hunt them to the ends of the earth," Peter growled. "They could have taken this beautiful man from me. I never would have heard Neal's voice or laughter… I'd never see him smile again. I'd never be able to watch him get better and help him through this. I want them to die for what they did and I know it's wrong of me to want revenge."

"You and I are part of the law enforcement, Peter. I'm condoning this. I look at Neal and see someone who didn't deserve to be starved, beaten, and raped. It's not revenge if they deserve it." He gently squeezed Neal's hand. "I love him as much as you do. I'd do anything for him, Peter, and I want them to suffer the way they made him suffer."

Both men talked for a little while, discussing plots to bring Craig and Vincent down. If Vincent got away, so be it. Peter wanted Craig _dead._ He knew Craig did most if not all of this damage to Neal.

As the evening wore on, Jon went back to the house to keep Hannah and the children company. Thus far, Nicky was just fine and that relieved Peter to no end. He decided he was going to spend the night with Neal just to be there if Neal needed him. He sat in the chair beside the bed and watched his husband's face. He assumed this was probably the most sleep Neal got in the past two weeks.

Peter read a few things on his phone's browser before he became a little tired. He was drifting in and out of sleep until he felt someone gently tugging on his fingers. He opened his eyes a bit to see his husband looking desperate with tears streaming down the sides of his face. Peter immediately jumped up and whispered, "What is it? I'm right here, angel."

"Hurts," Neal said brokenly. "Everything hurts and I don't know what to do."

"I'll get a nurse. You just stay—"

"No. No, please. Please don't leave me," he pleaded, both of his hands clasping Peter's left hand. "I'll deal with it. Just please don't leave."

Peter shook his head, sighing quietly. "Honey, you know I won't leave you."

Neal gasped shakily, trying to get himself under control. "I'm gonna be sick. Please help me."

The older man carefully helped Neal off of the bed and he lifted his husband, hating how light he was, and took him into the bathroom where he started dry heaving into the sink. Peter stayed with him, hushing him while rubbing his back slowly. "You're safe, honey."

Neal turned the sink on and leaned a little closer to rinse his mouth, spitting into the sink. In that moment, he looked down at himself and whispered, horrified, "Did you dress me?"

"No. The doctors did that after they cleaned you up, hon." Peter watched Neal shudder as though he were in pain. "Neal, tell me what I can do. I'm here for you."

Peter wasn't exactly expecting Neal to grab the waistband of the sweatpants Peter brought for him and shove them down, but Neal seemed like he needed this. He stepped out of the pants and kicked them aside, pulling Peter close. Peter didn't understand what was going on. He just rubbed Neal's back tentatively. "I need to know," he whispered. "I can't hide from you. If you want to leave me, I'll understand."

"Neal George, none of this will make me leave you. Nothing could ever make me leave you. Take it easy, baby. We don't have to talk about any of this right now. There's plenty of time for that la—"

The younger man pushed Peter back a bit before continuing to back up. His palm was covering his thigh and Peter cautiously glanced down at Neal's hand. He moved his hand and Peter's heart cracked. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at the monster's name that was embedded into his husband's skin. He didn't realize Craig had done this initially. "Are you disgusted?" Neal whispered. He was trembling and barely able to hold himself up against the sink countertop and the bar on the wall behind his back.

Peter met Neal's eyes. "Yes. He did this to you and I want to murder him," Peter hissed. He moved closer to Neal and had to quickly grab his husband as his legs gave out. "It's okay," he whispered as Neal whimpered. He helped Neal down to the floor and held him close, glancing sideways at the letters etched into Neal's thigh. "I'm not going to leave you. You didn't do this to yourself, Neal. He… God. He's a fucking monster. _He_ disgusts me—not _you._"

Neal's eyes were on Peter and he breathed heavily. "I believe you," he said, swallowing hard. Peter looked a little surprised. "I don't want to fall apart," Neal said miserably. "I've put you and our family through enough. I'm safe with you again."

"Honey, I'm not going to tell you that you can or can't fall apart. Just let yourself feel however you're feeling with the knowledge that I'm staying at your side through all of this." He stroked Neal's arm gently, lowering his gaze to Neal's thigh. That name looked like it was permanently etched into Neal's skin and Peter was only assuming that based on how deep the letters seemed to go. "Do you want to put your pants back on, angel?"

Neal nodded frantically. "I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on right now," he whispered. Peter nodded and carefully slid away from Neal to retrieve the sweatpants. He helped Neal pull them on before lifting his husband into his arms to carry him back into the room with the bed. "Peter?" Peter made a sound of acknowledgement as he laid Neal down on the bed and covered him up. "How's Nicky? I can't remember much after you carried me outside."

Peter smiled at the younger man. "He's just fine, hon. I left him home with mom and dad." Neal's brows furrowed in confusion. "We'll discuss that another time, honey. I just want you to focus on feeling better."

"If I talk, will you freak out and leave me?"

Peter shook his head. "No, baby. I'm staying right here with you. I promise, Neal."

Neal swallowed hard, closing his eyes. "I'm so thankful," he whispered brokenly, "to be anywhere but there. The things they did to me… I'm disgusted with myself, but I saved my son's life by letting them rape me. Peter, I… Do you think I wanted this?"

The older man took Neal's left hand and kissed his knuckles. "Nicky is alive and well because of you, honey, and no. I don't think you wanted this. I know you didn't want this." He glanced at all of the cleaned cuts across his husband's arms and cheek since they were visible. "You were protecting your baby and I'm proud of you even though you suffered." He intertwined their fingers and smiled softly as Neal opened his eyes. "We don't need to talk about this right now, Neal. You just got out of that hellhole. Focus on recuperating your strength. You're malnourished, Neal."

"I couldn't let them starve Nicky," he said, sounding like he wanted to sob.

Peter nodded, hushing his husband gently. "I understand, Neal. I'm just telling you that you need to focus on getting physically better. You are definitely not going to work and that's an order from your superior—even though you're my husband. I'm not allowing you to work in your current condition." Neal looked pained and Peter shook his head. "Neal, you're weakened. You haven't eaten or slept as much as you should. I'm going to help you regulate your meals and sleep schedule again. It'll help you feel a little better over time."

Neal exhaled, nodding. "I'm gonna be okay," he said. "I know you'll help me. I trust you."

Peter leaned closer, tentatively pressing his lips against Neal's. He was really surprised that Neal returned the kiss. He wasn't as passionate as he was before, but it was a good start. "Every step of the way," Peter promised. "I'll be right here with you. I will _never_ look at you in disgust, Neal. Please believe me when I tell you I love you."

"I do," Neal whispered, staring into Peter's eyes. "I love you, too. After everything, I'm so lucky to have your love."

The older man shook his head, murmuring, "I love you because you're a beautiful man—inside and out. I understand why you did what you did and I love you. You're such a sweetheart even though you were really hurt in the end."

Neal tentatively reached up to touch the side of Peter's face. "All the pain was worth it if my family is safe," he whispered.

•◊•

Neal went home three weeks after he'd been rescued. He'd lost a lot of blood and he'd gotten ill in the final days before the rescue, so the doctors were doing all that they could to help him. He'd requested tests for STDs and they came back quickly considering the fact that he knew he'd waited at least a week to get his results before. These results came back in a matter of hours and he assumed it was because of how injured he was. He'd sobbed against Peter when he came back with _two_ STDs, but he wasn't entirely surprised. He would've been shocked if he'd come out with nothing. Similar to the first time he'd been raped by Vincent, he came out of the whole ordeal with Chlamydia once again. He was also in the early stages of syphilis. After a week and a half, he'd gotten results for HIV and was relieved to see that he didn't have it. He started up antibiotics for both STDs two weeks ago and Peter was extremely supportive and reassuring through it all.

He was sitting on the couch at home with Peter's arm around him and Peter's parents on the other couch. Neal and Peter were holding one of the twins each and Nicky sat with his grandparents. "It's good to have you back home and safe, sweetheart," Hannah said softly, smiling at Neal.

"I'm thankful to be home," he whispered. "Thank you all for your support. I don't think any of you realize how much it means to me to have such a closely-knit family like this."

Neal's eyes met Nicky's and Nicky just smiled at his father. He was happy that Neal came home that day. Peter spent a lot of his time taking care of Neal at the hospital while Hannah and Jon took care of the twins and Nicky. Now that they were both home, they would resume their responsibilities as the parents.

Hannah kissed Nicky's hair as Jon said, "Neal, all we wanted was for you to come home. Peter was the most determined of us all."

Neal smiled a little at his husband as Peter kissed his temple. "I figured," he whispered.

Peter went to start dinner shortly thereafter and Neal brought the twins down to the carpeted floor, laying them down beside him. He laid on his side despite Peter's insistency that he _didn't._ He was smiling at the babies and playing with their lips and cheeks. Nicky giggled as he watched his father. Hannah absolutely adored watching Neal relax with the babies. It seemed so natural to him and he could just ease right into his happy place with them.

Peter and Jon stood in the dining room while Peter waited for the oven to heat up. He watched his husband and smiled. Neal was still having difficulty moving around, but he was really trying and he was definitely improving.

Nicky brought a couple of the babies' stuffed animals downstairs and handed them to Neal, watching Neal play with them animatedly near the babies to get a reaction out of them. Joey absolutely loved the little puppy Neal was playing with while Brie was disinterested entirely. She preferred playing with Neal's wedding ring, liking how cool it felt. He laughed when Brie tried to suck on his wedding ring and he found her a binky instead.

"It's amazing," Peter whispered to his father, "to see how happy he can be. I wish it would stay like this."

Jon nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "You and I will bring those rapists to justice," he said firmly, glancing at Peter. "Once they're gone, Neal won't have a reason to be afraid. He'll be safe and he can be happy."

Peter kept watching Neal silently. He'd seen Neal cry a lot over the last couple of weeks and it was heart wrenching. Now that Neal was home, he felt comfortable. With his children, Neal was easily excited. He'd spent two weeks in captivity with Nicky, but that wasn't the same. Now that he and Nicky were both safe, he could hug and kiss his son in relief. He could play with his new babies that he hasn't seen in several weeks, much to his dismay. He'd really missed the babies. "He's so beautiful," Peter said, awed.

It was obvious that Neal was daddy material when he started making baby sounds at the twins, smiling at them. They giggled at him and he let Brie tug at his hair a bit. Lying on his stomach was painful, but he was playing with his children and his pain just faded into the background. He didn't even think about being shoved to his knees or forced to back himself into a wall. There was no room for Vincent and Craig when his children were at the forefront of his thoughts. He just smiled and made baby sounds while peppering kisses over both of their faces.

Nicky laid down next to Neal and watched his dad, loving how happy he looked. Jon sighed contentedly in the dining room with his son. "He'll make it through this, Peter. He has so much to live for and I think he's realized that already."

Peter laughed quietly when Neal made the twins giggle. "I think he has, too. He was so distant when he'd come home after the first incident with Craig. This…is quite the opposite and it's fantastic."

Neal settled down after a few minutes and just smiled at the twins, watching Brie play with his ring and Joey attempt to suck on Neal's fingers alternatively. Neal remembered when Nicky did both of those things. Granted, the ring he'd been wearing at the time was decorative and in no way represented an engagement or marriage. He'd gotten his college class ring and Nicky had a blast with it. He'd gotten that ring a little over a year after Nicky was born, but he loved that ring because of his son. It was nice to prove to himself that he'd actually accomplished some form of graduation, but it meant more to watch Nicky play with it—and now that ring belonged to Peter. His class of two-thousand-one college ring was Peter's and Peter gave him his class of ninety-five ring. They were being a little silly about it and pretended they'd dated in college even though they'd graduated six years apart. Neal wished he'd been with Peter through it all, so Peter gave him his ring in exchange for Neal's. It was kind of like giving a boyfriend or girlfriend their high school class ring. Peter hadn't been dating in high school and Neal wasn't in high school very long to have gotten the opportunity.

Peter tried to make up for all of the little things Neal missed when he was younger. He bought Neal a high school class ring even though he knew Neal wouldn't wear it. Neal still kept it in his nightstand with other things Peter gave him that he treasured. Peter gave him a makeshift prom for their first marriage anniversary and Neal loved it. Peter invited their friends—and Nicky—and they had a blast with actual punch rather than spiked punch. With Nicky around, they were careful and it was still fun either way.

Peter loved seeing Neal so happy. Those little things he'd done for Neal meant a lot to the younger man. The fact that Neal helped him come out of the closet and married him meant the world to Peter. Neal gave him a son right off the bat, which proved he trusted Peter a great deal. Now they were raising three children together. He'd do anything to make Neal smile.

In light of recent events, he'd do _everything_ to make his husband happy. Watching Neal play with the twins gave him a little insight as to how he'd raised Nicky when Nicky was that little and it was almost as if Neal let him into various parts of his life that Peter hadn't been there for. Peter felt welcome into Neal's life, so he returned the favor when he had the chance. The first thing he'd do when Neal was settled back in at home was celebrate Neal's thirty-seventh birthday. He'd been rescued three days after his birthday and Peter still wanted to do something for him to make it special—to make _Neal_ special.

When dinner was in the oven and heating up, Peter went into the living room to join his family. He laid beside Neal, watching his husband act like a child. He loved that innocence in Neal because it was pretty much the only innocence he had. After being raped three separate times over the course of his life, Neal was still able to love his family wholeheartedly.

Kissing Neal's shoulder, Peter realized that Neal was going to do much better this time around. He had the twins to keep him preoccupied and he seemed to trust Peter's words. He reciprocated Peter's love whenever Peter said it to him and he was really trying to keep them on an intimate level. Though they weren't having sex and wouldn't be for a little while, they could make this work. Peter loves Neal for the man he is—and watching Neal become this tenderhearted man who played so beautifully with his children really inspired Peter.


	21. Chapter 21

Peter woke up when he heard his bedroom door squeak as it opened. The first thing he considered was that Neal had gotten out of bed, but Neal was asleep right in front of him. His arm was draped over Neal's waist and Neal's leg kicked out every now and then. Peter assumed that might be something he'd have to deal with. If Neal kicked him in the middle of the night, then oh well. He could handle that. Neal was safe with him and that's all that matters. The only thing that kind of bothered him was that it was the same leg in which Craig scarred Neal's thigh. The kicking out made him wonder if there was nerve damage.

"Poppa?" Peter turned a bit to blearily see his son. "Can you come with me?" He sounded like he'd been crying, so Peter carefully slid away from Neal, sliding off of the bed. He walked across the room to join Nicky and gently touched Nicky's back to lead him out of the bedroom. He shut the door and Nicky started heading back into his bedroom, so Peter followed him.

Nicky sat down on the bed and waited for Peter to join him. "Everything okay, Nicky?" he asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

"I had a nightmare," he whispered. Peter was alert now. It'd been a week since Neal came home and Neal had night-terrors at least every other day or so.

Peter nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Nicky scooted closer to Peter until Peter pulled him into his lap and wrapped his arms around him. "I didn't want to wake daddy up," he said sadly. "It was about him. Poppa, we've been saved for a month now, but I keep seeing what they did to him. It scares me because I can hear his screams and cries."

The older man kissed Nicky's hair, whispering, "Everything will be okay eventually, Nicky. Daddy's safe now and no one is going to hurt him again."

"Poppa, will daddy's scar ever go away?"

"They're healing right n—"

"Craig's name," Nicky clarified as tears slid down his face.

Peter was quiet for a few moments. "I honestly don't know, Nicky. Daddy doesn't like that scar any more than you or I do. It looks like it's the only one that might not heal properly."

Nicky started crying and Peter tried to hush him gently, rubbing his back. "That name is going to be on daddy's body for the rest of his life. He's never going to forget about what happened because the proof of it is right there in front of him all the time."

"Daddy will be okay," Peter said softly. "He knows I love him even with that scar, so he really has no reason to worry about it. He knows you love him." He stroked Nicky's hair and closed his eyes. "Eventually, I think daddy won't be as affected by it as he is right now. He'll be okay though because I'm going to help daddy through this." Nicky nodded against Peter, rubbing his own eyes. "Thank you for waking me up, kiddo. I don't want you to go through this alone either."

The teenager sniffled a bit. "I don't want to be alone. I want you to help me because I'm afraid of making things worse for dad."

"I completely understand," he whispered. "I'm here for both of you. You can always pull me aside or wake me up if you need me and I'll be right here."

He listened as Nicky described his dream. He could understand why it scared the hell out of Nicky. It scared the hell out of him to hear all of this. In the weeks that followed rescuing his husband and son, Peter was afraid to even begin imagining all that they went through. It was really easy to get lost in Neal's own nightmare when he looked at Neal's body. He helped Neal frequently clean his cuts because Neal was paranoid about getting them infected again, which Peter was completely fine with. He wouldn't say no to anything Neal asked of him because he believed Neal knew what would help him get through this. Peter can't read his mind, so he relies on Neal to talk to him when he feels afraid or horrified.

It had to have been at least half an hour since Nicky woke him up before Nicky finally decided he wanted to go back to sleep. Peter kissed his hair and tucked the blanket in around him before leaving his son's bedroom. He was pulling the door to a slight close when he heard vomiting.

He darted back to his own bedroom and went into the bathroom to find Neal hunched over the toilet. Part of him wondered if Neal was doing this on purpose subconsciously because he hates his body. Neal was barely putting on some weight and it was starting to scare Peter. He was concerned about Neal's health and wondered if he needed to get Neal to see a professional about what was beginning to seem like an eating disorder to him.

Peter knelt beside him, rubbing his back. He wasn't sure what to say because he didn't know what the problem or cause was. Neal rested his head against his forearm while he breathed heavily. Peter gave him a few minutes to calm down a bit. "I wasn't feeling too well," Neal whispered. "Obviously." He gestured at the toilet with his other hand before sighing.

"Don't worry," Peter said softly. "I'm concerned though. Can I ask if you're doing this purposely or is your body reacting to things you're thinking about?"

Neal breathed raggedly as he sat back and closed his eyes. "I'm forcing it. I feel like my body isn't adequate enough for you and I want to look nice when—"

"Dear, God, baby. Don't do this," he pleaded. "I can see your ribs, Neal. Stop doing this to yourself. Your body is beautiful to me. I just… I _need_ to see you put some weight on so you can get back to looking healthy, which means you need to stop forcing all of the food out when you think you're not good enough." He kissed Neal's shoulder and whispered, "You've always been so much more than _enough._"

The younger man frowned. "You want me to be fat?"

"Neal, you're thirty-seven and you weigh almost _less_ than one hundred pounds." Neal swallowed hard. "You should have a lot more than that, Neal George, and I wish you would put that weight on. You are so unhealthily _thin_ and it really hurts me to think you believed you needed to be some perfect supermodel." Neal's mouth opened and then closed a few moments later as he looked at Peter warily. "Neal, I love you, but I don't want to see your ribs nearly poking through your skin. I love you when you're healthy looking, honey."

"So you want me to be fat," Neal said tightly.

Peter sighed heavily, giving his husband an exasperated look. "Yeah. If that's what you think healthy is, then yes. Please put some weight on, Neal, and stop forcing your food out like this."

"I need to look good for you. I'm not good enough with all of these scars and disgusting marks. I don't know how you can even stand sleeping beside—"

"I am going to walk away from you and go downstairs to sleep on the couch alone if you don't stop right now," Peter said firmly. "You want to look good for me? At least get yourself to one hundred and fifty pounds. That'll look good for me—so much better than the skeletal look you seem to think I find attractive." He rested his hand on Neal's head, frowning at the younger man. "Don't tell yourself I want a paper-thin husband, Neal. I've never once told you to lose weight because I want you to look _good._ You're gorgeous the way you've always been, honey, and I want you to gain some weight before you get sick. You suffered and I understand that, but you're safe and at home now, so please take better care of yourself. Throwing up like this isn't something I like. Seeing your ribs isn't something I like. Neal, looking like you're dying isn't something I like."

Neal was quiet for a few moments, nodding slowly. "Okay," he whispered.

Peter sighed heavily, shaking his head. "I love you to death, but I don't want you to look like death." Neal leaned against him and nodded again. "I'm not trying to criticize you, honey. I just don't want to see you do this to yourself."

"I'll try," Neal murmured.

"That's all I'm asking of you, baby," Peter said, giving Neal a gentle hug.

•◊•

Peter saw a great deal of progress in Neal's weight over the next few days following their conversation. He was eating dinner regularly when Peter made it every day and Peter was relieved by the fact that he wasn't waking up to Neal getting sick in the middle of the night. Nicky kept waking him up and that was all right. He was getting pretty tired, but Neal was sleeping through the night—much to his surprise.

Hannah and Jon were staying with them for a little while longer. They were both concerned and wanted to make sure Neal was being taken care of properly. Jon kept warning Peter that something was going to make Neal snap at some point. He's been too calm and relaxed since coming home and he didn't think Neal could keep his pain, disgust, and anger holed up inside of himself forever.

Peter was just finishing up with the laundry he'd pulled out to fold when he heard a thud in his and Neal's bedroom bathroom. He immediately panicked, darting to the door. He knocked on it. "Neal, are you okay?" Neal wanted to take a shower, so Peter told him to go ahead and take his time. He could hear Neal trying to keep himself from crying and it twisted his heart. "Baby, can I come in?"

"Yes," Neal said hoarsely.

The older man opened the door to find his husband on the floor. The water was still running and Neal was holding his thigh, gasping for breath. "Jesus Christ." Peter darted over to him and knelt in front of him, resting a hand on his shoulder. "What happened?" Neal miserably whispered, "I tried to get out and lost my balance. My leg hurts—and it's not from falling. It hurt before that."

"Do you want me to take a look at it?" Neal nodded, trying to push himself up a bit. "Relax, hon. I can move."

"So can I," Neal said pointedly. Peter raised his hands to chest level and Neal shifted around painfully. Peter glanced at Neal's leg and saw how bruised his thigh was. He gave Neal a questioning glance because it certainly hadn't been like that last night when Neal was getting into his sleep pants. "Just never mind. I'm okay."

He tried to move his leg away from his husband and that's when Peter realized what was going on. "Are you cutting yourself?" he asked incredulously, seeing faint traces of blood on Neal's skin and the letters looked freshly opened. "Neal, what the hell?" Neal pushed himself up from the floor, gasping as his body ached with his every move. He turned the water off and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist. He didn't want to answer Peter, which immediately told Peter that Neal was cutting himself. "Neal, you—"

"Just leave me alone!" Neal cried out, his eyes watering as he faced the older man. Peter was silently staring up at Neal, wishing he could help somehow. "You don't understand and you never will. You don't know what it's like to wake up every morning to see _this_—a reminder that I'm a God damn weakling who allowed myself to be raped for, what, two weeks? I didn't even try to fight them!" Peter didn't move or speak. This was really eating at Neal and Peter could see that. "Did you know that I _begged_ them to fuck me so they wouldn't touch Nicky? I just offered my ass to them without even thinking about what it would do to _us_ and I let them brutally fuck me enough to make me bleed. You saw all of the evidence of—"

"Why do you keep torturing yourself?" Peter asked quietly, frowning at Neal. "Have I said something to make you think that everything you did was wrong or that you wanted everything they did to you?"

"Why are you such a fucking idiot?" Neal yelled. "What the hell keeps you here? Why the hell do you even try to take care of me, Peter? I'm fucking insane. Look at me. I let them rape me _together_ for two weeks. They cut into me, scarred me, made me scream and cry… How in the name of God can you possibly want to be with me? I'm such a whore who's just full of STDs." Peter's eyes watered as he listened to his husband. Neal sounded so angry and bitter, which he understood, but he didn't like it. "Hell, you should just start calling me a slut and I'll respond to it like a dog. You should get one of your guy friends to come over and we can have a God damn threesome. You—" Peter shook his head and pushed himself up, turning to leave the room. He couldn't handle this. He couldn't listen to Neal degrade himself like this because Neal wouldn't understand him if he tried to tell Neal he loves him. "Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you!"

Peter didn't listen. He left the bathroom and went to their bed, crawling onto it. He sat cross-legged above the blanket, waiting for Neal to yell some more. He wasn't surprised when Neal did just that. Neal accused Peter of wanting to rape him because, to Neal, why else would Peter want to be with him? He tried his best not to listen to this and take it to heart. Neal had no idea how much pain he was unleashing on the older man and Peter wasn't sure if he had the heart to tell Neal to shut up and listen to him for once. He wanted Neal to stop yelling, sit down, and listen as Peter listed all of his reasons for loving Neal, but he just couldn't bring himself to asking Neal to do that. He couldn't force Neal to submit to him like that and he never wanted to do that. All Peter could say was, "Is this your way of telling me you want a divorce?" Neal immediately stopped speaking as he stared at Peter in horror. "If it's what you want, I'll do it, Neal. I love you, but I don't want to sit here and make you miserable." Neal was speechless and Peter closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the pain on Neal's face. "Get dressed, Neal. I'll head downstairs to—"

"Peter, I'm so sorry," he choked out. Peter's eyes flew open when Neal collapsed to his knees, covering his face with his hands as he hyperventilated and sobbed simultaneously. "I don't understand why I'm acting this way. I have no right to say those things to you," he whispered quickly. Peter slid off the bed to comfort the younger man and Neal lowered his hands to see that. "No! Don't come near me," he pleaded. Peter immediately backed up. "I can't stand myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to slit my throat and I can't listen to myself speak without wanting to strangle myself to death. I hate myself, Peter. My body feels so… I don't think I'm in the right body. I don't feel like I deserve to live."

The older man wished he could break down in that moment. "Neal, I hate when you say things like this," he said sadly. "You did nothing wrong. You protected your baby boy. Neal, he was never hurt once because you—"

Neal's entire expression became angry with despair. "Because I whored myself?" He laughed mirthlessly, shutting his eyes tightly as he sobbed. "It's been weeks and I still feel so afraid. I feel like he's going to come in and threaten to hurt my son. My body just feels like it's being violated repeatedly even though you haven't fucked me. I still feel like they're pounding into me. It hurts so much, Peter." Peter shifted, carefully nearing the younger man. He knelt in front of Neal, watching his face. "I cut myself because I can feel him cutting me when it's not happening and I end up doing it myself because he did it to me every single time he raped me. Every time. It didn't matter how many times in a day because he did it _every fucking time._" Before Peter could try to say something reassuring, Neal continued. "If that isn't hard enough to live with as it is," he said, opening his tear-filled eyes as he gestured to the hallway, "I have someone who witnessed the whole damn thing. He was there, Peter. He heard them rape me. He _saw_ them rape me. He saw everything they did to me and you know what? He tried to fucking help me. My son. My fourteen year old son. What kind of God damn father am I if I can't keep him innocent? He knew I was raped before. Now he knows what it's like to hear me scream and cry when they fucked me."

"Neal, he's been so damn afraid of this," Peter whispered, tentatively taking Neal's left hand in his right. "I didn't tell you, but he's been waking me up in the middle of the night over the past few nights. I held him as he cried, Neal, because he's afraid you're going to kill yourself." He intertwined their fingers and Neal clutched his tightly. "He knows how painful this was for you. He isn't revolted by the sight of you. He understands, Neal. If you went into his room right now to talk to him, he'd tell you the same thing. He was so afraid that they'd kill you. Now that you're home, he's afraid you're going to do it yourself. I'm scared, too. I love you beyond comprehension and I don't want our children to grow up without you. They haven't had the chance to get to know their daddy yet. If you end your life, you're not only hurting yourself. You're hurting everyone who loves you."

The younger man sobbed against his husband who held onto him gently. Peter hushed him and rubbed his back, making sure he stayed away from cuts that affected Neal.

Not too long after that, Neal went into Nicky's room to talk to his son while Peter went downstairs to be with his parents. He kept the monitor in hand in case the babies decided to wake up. "Is he okay?" Hannah asked concernedly. Peter gave them a very brief, vaguely detailed overview of what happened upstairs because they heard Neal raise his voice.

"For now," Peter whispered, glancing at the stairway. He turned his attention to his father who looked like he felt guilty. "Dad?"

Jon sighed and shook his head. "I feel like this is my fault because I just assumed this would happen. Maybe I haven't been as loving and supportive as Neal needs me to—"

"Dad, stop. It's bad enough to hear him degrade himself. Don't you start, too." Jon nodded, giving his son a saddened look. "You're helping, dad. He admitted that to me. The other night, he sat out here alone while I was working on some files. You came out here and talked to him, dad, and he leaned into you for comfort. You held him close and made him feel loved. He needs to understand that I'm not the only one who loves him. Even then, sometimes he doesn't think I love him. I need you both here and I think he does, too."

"That boy is so…" Jon trailed off, trying to think about what he wanted to say. "Neal deserves all the unconditional love the world can offer him. He has his children who will always love him. The twins already love him and it's evident when he's playing with them. He knows you're in love with him. If he didn't, I'm fairly certain he wouldn't want to be in bed with you every night." He glanced at his wife and shared a small smile with her. "We're trying to make him feel loved by us, Peter. I look at that boy and his frown kills me. I love when he smiles as much as you do."

"And that means everything to me," a saddened voice whispered from the stairway. Everyone glanced at Neal as Neal finished coming downstairs. Peter was afraid to move. He didn't want to upset or startle Neal, so he waited to see what Neal wanted to do. He was a little surprised when Neal stopped right in front of him and glanced at him like he was afraid he'd piss Peter off.

Peter just gave him a small smile and Neal lowered himself until he was sitting on Peter's lap. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and brushed his lips against Neal's. "You mean everything to us," Peter whispered.

Neal closed his eyes and relaxed in Peter's arms, thankful to have someone hold him like they cherished him. Peter's body felt so warm against his. It felt nice. He didn't need to be naked or chained up to be relevant. Peter just wanted to be with him as he is. "I'm sorry about what I said to you earlier," Neal whispered quietly enough for only Peter to hear him.

Peter held him like a child, smiling softly at him. "I love you, Neal. Don't worry about it—you're my husband and the love of my life." Neal opened his eyes for a brief moment, closing them again as he leaned towards Peter for a kiss. Peter kissed him gently, trying to convey how honest he was being with Neal.

Hannah and Jon smiled at the boys, intertwining their fingers as they watched them. As soon as they parted for a breather, Neal fiercely whispered, "I love you, Peter Michael Burke. Thank you for being my one true love."

Peter grinned, rubbing Neal's back as he gazed into Neal's eyes. "You're mine. I figured I should return the favor since you've given me something I thought I'd never have."

"What's that?"

The older man kissed his husband again. "You've given me family, happiness, and yourself. The most important is _you._ Without you, I wouldn't have a family of my own. Without you, I wouldn't be happy. I'm in love with you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You're the first man I've fallen for, and you're certainly the last."

Neal smiled as his eyes watered. He rubbed Peter's chest slowly, silently thanking Peter. He was only slightly aware of the fact that Hannah and Jon were watching them, but their presence didn't bother him. They know exactly how Peter and Neal interact, so it wasn't like they were putting on a front for their parents. They knew Peter took care of Neal and that Neal was deeply in love with their son. "I love you," Neal whispered. "Even when I'm acting so unlike myself, I love you."

"I love you—always," Peter said quietly.

The couple went into the kitchen to work on dinner together. Peter watched Neal move like he was in pain. He glanced at Neal's ass and knew that was the source of his pain. They'd taken him bare and roughly. He knew they'd really hurt Neal. They made him bleed, which meant they'd obviously injured him. Even though Neal's body was on the mend, Peter didn't doubt that Neal felt the phantom pains of what they'd done to him. "Since we're alone, I'd really like to apologize for what I said," Neal said quietly, glancing at Peter warily. "Accusing you of wanting to rape me… That was very wrong of me. We've been together for almost five years. For me to accuse you of wanting that, I must really be going insane. There was no justifiable reason for that accusation and I feel terrible about it."

Peter shook his head. "Neal, it's all right. I know you didn't mean it and I understand why you said it." Neal frowned, turning away from his husband. "Hon, listen," he said gently. "Everything between us is just fine. I'm not upset with you or hurt by what you said. I can't imagine what you went through and what you're still going through. I've tried to understand, but you were right when you told me I can't and won't understand."

"That was also wrong of me to—"

"No. You were right, Neal. I don't know how you feel or how you felt. I haven't been through that. All I've done is watch you suffer. It hurts to see you so upset and miserable, but I know my pain is nothing in comparison to yours."

Neal glanced at Peter again. "That isn't true. Your pain isn't meaningless. It means a lot to me and I'm sorry that I haven't focused on you—at all. I'm such an attention whore," he whispered.

Peter gave him an incredulous look. "Uh, you were kidnapped and raped while trying to save our son." Neal bowed his head and Peter moved towards him, gently lifting Neal's chin until Neal's eyes met his. "I'm never going to tell you that I'm tired of this—of you. I'd be so empty without you. I was empty without you here, Neal. You're everything to me."

The younger man gave his husband a weak smile. "I'm lucky to have you," Neal whispered. "If you were Keller, Fowler…_Dan._ If you were any of them, they'd never care. Keller would have told me to suck it up and then probably tell me to get into bed so we could fuck. Fowler wanted Craig to rape me, so he'd probably ignore the fact that it happened. Dan would think I wanted to fuck him to make myself feel better." Peter kissed Neal's forehead, knowing how true all of this was. "With you, you're gentle. You hold me when I'm crying and kiss my neck or face while whispering how much you love me. You don't get upset and tell me to lay down and deal with it. You haven't once tried to advance on me sexually and that means a lot to me, Peter. I don't feel like I'm being pressured by you."

"Because I'm not that kind of man," Peter said quietly, lifting his hands to caress the sides of Neal's face. "I may not understand or know how you feel, but I know you. I know how much you hurt yourself because of them." He tentatively brushed his lips against Neal's for a moment. "I don't want to add to your pain. I want to lessen it, honey. I love when you're happy, baby, and they keep stealing your happiness from you."

Dinner was quick and quiet. Nicky played with his food while watching his father nervously. Jon and Hannah sat across from Neal and Peter. Neal could feel Nicky's and Jon's eyes on him and his heart started to race. He could feel himself breaking into a cold sweat. "Dad?" Nicky said quietly. He noticed that his father was acting strange all of a sudden and Peter's attention immediately flew to the younger man. "Daddy, are you okay?"

Neal swallowed hard and shut his eyes tightly, dropping his fork onto his plate abruptly. His hands were trembling and the feeling was beginning to spread through the rest of his body. "Neal?"

Neal gasped quietly and slid his chair back. His eyes flew open and he unseeingly darted out of the dining room. Peter could see the terror in Neal's expression and he immediately jumped up to follow his husband. Neal didn't get far. He'd managed to get halfway up the stairs to the landing before he slipped and crashed against the steps. Peter ran up after him and rested his hand on Neal's back. "Get me out of here," Neal pleaded with him.

He was clutching the rug of the stairs tightly. Peter nodded and helped Neal stand. He took Neal upstairs and Neal steered them in the direction of their bedroom. It was almost as if he didn't know whether or not he was stuck between illusion and reality. Peter sat Neal down on the bed. "Put your head between your knees, honey. I'll get a washcloth to wipe your face and neck down." Neal did as Peter told him to, breathing heavily while leaning forward. He could hear the water running in the bathroom. When it turned off, Peter was wringing the water out of the cloth and then he returned to the bedroom. Peter knelt in front of Neal, gently lifting Neal's head before rubbing the cool cloth over his face gently. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Neal shuddered and whispered, "I felt uncomfortable." Peter's brows drew together and Neal sighed shakily. "I felt like I was being scrutinized. Don't tell dad, please. It isn't his fault."

"What did dad do to make you uncomfortable?"

"He was just…staring at me, watching me."

Peter nodded, rubbing Neal's neck slowly with the cloth. "It's okay, Neal. You know dad won't hurt you. He loves you too damn much to do a single thing to hurt you."

"I know. I just…don't want to be watched. It scares me." Peter was quiet as he sat back a bit to meet his husband's eyes. "Vincent watched me suck Craig's dick or he watched Craig fuck me. He watched Craig cut into me repeatedly."

"Honey," he whispered, hushing the younger man. "Don't do this. You're only going to hurt yourself if you talk about it."

"I'm going to hurt myself more if I don't talk!" Neal cried. "I'm trying to keep it all bottled up inside, but it's beginning to overflow and I can't compensate for it."

Peter gave his husband a long look before nodding, gesturing for Neal to scoot back on the bed. He crawled across it and sat beside Neal in the center of the bed. "All right. If you need to talk, are you comfortable talking to me or would you like me to set something up with your group or a psychologist?"

Neal rested his forehead in his palm and Peter rubbed Neal's back. "I'm afraid to talk to you."

"Why?"

"Because of everything I did. We're married and I did so many things… Peter, I don't want to lose you," he said, looking up at Peter with tears in his eyes.

Peter smiled sadly at Neal. "Angel, I'm not leaving. I'm staying right where I am because I'm happy with you." He took Neal's hands in his. "You never need to be afraid to talk to me. Like you said: we're married. I married you because I love you. If I didn't love every bit of you, I wouldn't be able to stay, Neal. I'm here for you regardless of whether or not the situation is good or bad."

Neal nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on Peter. "Can… Can I talk to you then?" Peter nodded, lifting Neal's hands to kiss his knuckles. "They watched the other one fuck me. I felt more like an object than a person—like an animal." He started making frantic gestures with his hands even though he kept his grip on Peter's. "The first time they raped me, they raped me together. I tried to get Nicky out of this all beforehand, but they didn't listen. I told Nicky to…to go into a corner, close his eyes, and cover his ears. They cuffed his hands behind his back and made him listen." He was beginning to cry and Peter tried his best to make sure Neal knew he wasn't judging him. "Craig never got me ready for him. He just shoved in when he wanted to and it _hurt._ I had to look at Vincent's face every time and he tried kissing me when my arms nearly gave out."

Neal tried to pull his hands away from Peter's and Peter hushed him softly. "Neal, don't try to run from me. I love you, so please trust me."

The younger man looked warily at his husband before shutting his eyes tightly. "Craig made me come every time. He forced me to and it made me feel shitty. Nicky knows I came during it. He's not stupid and he's certainly not innocent anymore. He knew exactly what they were doing to me just by the sounds I made."

"He told you this?"

Neal nodded. "Peter, I feel so weak. When Craig took me alone, he shoved me down on the floor sometimes. He'd wrap the chains around my arms to bind them in front of me and get…get…" Neal swallowed harder. "He _plugged_ me when he did it the first few times so he could mess with it and make me suck his dick." Peter felt horrified. Trying to imagine how all of this must've felt to Neal was severely painful. "It fucking hurt. And then he'd leave me like that after he came in my mouth. I hid it from Nicky because I sure as hell didn't want him to try to help me get it out. I was disgusted. Asking him to get that damn thing out of my ass would've made me feel so much worse. I don't know how he can still bear to look at me."

Peter squeezed Neal's hands, wanting to kiss his husband all over. "You're his daddy. He doesn't think you're weird or weak or _whatever._ He wanted to help you, Neal. You were saving his life while they nearly took yours. He loves you to death because you were so dedicated to protecting him."

"Fine. He was grateful to me for doing that. How can _you_ look at me after hearing this?"

"You didn't want any of this. I know what kind of man you are when it comes to your heart and your body. You asked if we could try to use a few toys over the last couple of years and we did try, but we stopped as soon as you became uncomfortable. I know you're not into that at all." Neal frowned at him. "Neal, I'm not going to fall out of love with you. You can tell me everything they did to you. It fuels my hatred of them and makes me love you more. You suffered so immensely, but you're still here with me and our children." Neal rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands, nodding silently. "You're beautiful, Neal. I love you and so do our children. Nicky has always loved you and the twins are just beginning to show you they love you, too."

Neal blinked a few times before tentatively moving. Their hands disconnected and Neal climbed into Peter's lap, resting his head on Peter's shoulder. "I'm sorry that this keeps happening. I'm really trying to keep all of this in, but I…can't handle it. I really need you, Peter."

Peter kissed Neal's hair, smiling sadly at the younger man. "I'll always be right here when you need me. Always. I love you with all of my heart and I'm never leaving your side." Neal held the arm Peter wrapped around him and sniffled. "You never need to be afraid to talk to me about any of this. There will never be a moment when I tell you to stop talking because I don't want to listen or because I don't understand. I'm trying to understand—and I've been trying to feel the way they made you feel." Neal's fingers slid over Peter's arm slowly. He sincerely trusted everything Peter was telling him. "I will drop everything I'm doing for you, Neal. I don't like watching you cry or suffer in silence. I'm your husband, so let me help you."

"I love you," Neal whispered, sounding like he was on the verge of crying.

Peter laughed lightly, rubbing Neal's back with his hand that he'd draped around Neal's waist. "I love you, baby. I will _always_ love you." Neal was trying to believe that. He'd believed Peter before all of this and he wanted their relationship to go back to the way it's always been. He wanted to someday be able to face his fears and make love with Peter again. He knew not to even consider asking. He was very much aware of the fact that he was nowhere near ready to get into bed and make love with his husband. Peter would never say yes to him unless he was sure Neal would be all right. Neal was thankful for Peter's respect because he sure as hell hadn't received any respect while he was gone for two weeks. He really wished they'd killed him at times, but Peter made him feel like he was worth living. Peter was so damn good at reminding Neal that Neal isn't alone anymore. Neal knew he needed to listen to his husband and his loved ones. Jon and Hannah were there to show him they love him as much as Peter does. Their children were conveying all of their love for him when he was around. The twins giggled a bit and were eager to play with him while Nicky wanted to cuddle up with Neal on the couch to watch a movie or he'd ask Neal to stay in bed with him for a while until he could get to sleep.

Neal was so afraid of everything that happened to him because he knew it could happen again. Even with Peter's promises that he'd find those sick bastards, Neal feared for his and his family's life. His fears were able to melt away when Peter held him close like this. It was something Neal really appreciated because Peter knew how to convey his love and respect on a very intimate level without physical means. That meant so much to him and he sincerely hoped he could overcome all of this like he'd done in the past. Even though this was so much more severe and frightening than his first two instances of rape, he believed he'd break through the darkened barriers of his mind with Peter's parents, Peter himself, and their children. "Thank you so much," Neal whispered sincerely, holding onto the older man. He was glad he'd gotten over his aversion to marriage because he certainly wouldn't have been able to survive this without Peter. He didn't think he was that brave on his own. Peter always found ways of making him feel a little stronger though and he was really relying on his husband to get him through this when he felt like he was going to slip into the depths of his despair. Peter, as he always did, would save him before things became so unbearable for him.

He knew Peter would show him the meaning of true love when he began to doubt that he was deserving of love and life. Peter _will_ help him through this. He wholeheartedly believed his husband loved him enough to want to see this through and bring him back to the light where he could smile and laugh freely like he'd done before.


	22. Chapter 22

Neal sat down at his desk and planted his palms atop it, closing his eyes as he breathed deeply. "Special Agent Burke," a deep voice said, sounding slightly amused. Neal opened his eyes and gave the owner of that voice a small smile. "How does it feel to be in the bureau again?"

Peter sat down on the edge of Neal's desk. "It's been almost three months since the last time I was here," Neal said quietly. "I feel really out of place, but I think I'll adapt."

"Just keep in mind that I'm at your beck and call," Peter said softly.

The younger man chuckled. "When aren't you, my loving and very overprotective husband?"

Peter rested his hand on Neal's, sighing quietly. "It's good to see you behind the desk again."

"I'd rather be here than stay at home with the bedroom door locked," Neal murmured. "When you go to work and I'm home alone, I don't feel safe. I know that I'm okay while I'm here with you."

"I know, hon." Neal glanced down at their hands before returning his gaze to his husband. "You all right?"

Neal nodded. "Yeah. Just…" He gave Peter a half smile. "I'm thinking about…us."

"I'm intrigued," Peter said, raising an eyebrow. Neal laughed lightly, shaking his head. "Oh, come on, honey. I'd love to know what you're thinking." Part of him kept wondering if Neal was putting on a front for him. He wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. Neal's been surprisingly _fine_ for the past few weeks. Peter always woke up when Neal slid out of bed after what Peter assumed was a nightmare, but Neal just smiled and crawled back into bed after spending a few minutes alone in their bedroom bathroom. He was so concerned about Neal that he was doing routine checks to see if Neal was cutting himself or not and he was pleasantly surprised to discover that Neal wasn't cutting himself anymore.

"I know you and dad have been up to something," Neal said quietly. Peter's throat felt like it was constricting. He'd been trying his damnedest to keep Neal out of the loop because he knew Neal would react horribly to the fact that Peter was determined to _murder_ the monsters who'd raped Neal. "You can keep lying to me if you'd like," he added, "or you can count me in." Peter looked away from Neal then. He didn't want Neal to get involved. "You don't trust me anymore."

Peter stood up and shook his head. "It's not a matter of whether I trust you or not."

"You don't think I can handle this."

"Don't start, Neal. I'm not going to argue with you over this."

Neal rose to his feet as well, staring at his husband fiercely. "I'm not a little bitch," he hissed quietly. "I want in. I want to be there when they die. I want to be there more than you do and I'm generally not a very violent person." Peter was about to tell Neal that he wasn't going to allow him to join him, but Neal seemed to sense that. "I'm your husband and I'm the victim. I'm the one who was raped by them, Peter. If you deny me this…" He laughed mirthlessly. "If you deny me this, then you'll lose me." Peter's eyes widened and his heart broke on his face. "The ultimate revenge for each time they violated my body," he growled quietly, "would be killing them. If you take that away from me, you don't give a damn about me."

"Leave me then," Peter bit out. "I don't want you anywhere near this, damn it."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because they raped you!" Neal's face flushed as other agents turned their attention to their conversation. He breathed heavily as he stared angrily at his husband. "I don't trust your ability to do this the right way, Neal."

Neal scoffed at him. "There's a right way to murder someone?"

"This conversation is over right now. We are not discussing this here."

The younger man invaded Peter's space, hissing, "This conversation is far from over," before shoving past Peter to head to the elevator. Peter tried to follow him, but Neal whirled on him. "I'm going to do this my way, Peter, whether you like it or not. Do your thing and we'll see who gets there first."

"This isn't a God damn competition, Neal."

Neal shook his head. "It wasn't until _you_ made it one."

The elevator door opened and Peter knew something horrible was going to happen. "Neal, don't you dare step into that elevator."

"Try to stop me," Neal snapped as he got in and jammed the close door button. He was so fed up with Peter trying to control everything. He understood that Peter wanted to protect him, but he wanted to be able to participate in this nonetheless. He's the victim, so he should be involved in the takedown.

•◊•

"Funny seeing you here. How's that ass of yours holding up?"

Neal's teeth ground together as he stood with his arms crossed over his chest. "You know where they are, damn you. If you help me, I'll work out some kind of agreement to lessen your sentence."

"I highly doubt your doting husband would go for that."

"I don't need his permission," Neal growled. "I'm not a child, Matthew. He's not my master. He is my husband, but I'm in control of my life. Whether or not you help me doesn't affect me in the slightest bit."

Keller shrugged. "Tell me more about this agreement."

Neal uncrossed his arms and took a seat across from Keller. "I can't free you for good, Matthew. You're going to serve your sentence, but I'm offering you a way out of prison with a leash." Keller raised an eyebrow. "If you work for the FBI, you—"

"Oh. I help you bring down daddy and his bitch…just so I can become _your_ bitch?"

"If you'd let me finish," Neal said tightly, clenching his fists. "No. You won't become my bitch. You can work as a criminal informant, Matthew. I know you have connections. You and I did a lot of illegal things together before my son came into the picture. I know you can reach out and help our investigations. Is that such a bad price to pay to get the hell out of here? I mean, you're pretty damn close to becoming a rape victim here already. I know Johnson's got his eye on you. He's a family man and he seems to have quite the affinity for you and the abuse you put your son through."

Keller laughed at his ex-boyfriend. "It's so like you to bring our children into this."

"Trent is more mine than he is yours," Neal snapped. "He calls me his dad. He never really talks about you anymore, Matthew."

That seemed to hit something in Keller. "I may be a jackass, but he's still my son. I do love him."

"If you loved him, you wouldn't have beaten him until he was scared to death of you."

"Sorry that not all of us daddies out there can be daddy of the year like you, Caffrey."

"_Burke,_" Neal snarled. "And I'm far from being daddy of the year. You talk to Vincent, so you already know what happened."

Matthew chuckled, nodding slowly. "We frequently discuss how nice it is to fuck you, Neal. It's part of our father and son bond—sexing you up on a platter." Neal was grinding his teeth again. His jaw was set firmly as he tried his best to keep himself calm. "I bet you have a lot of beauties on your body now. Craig described a few of them to me, especially the mark he left on you."

Neal swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a brief moment. "Take my offer or leave it. I'm not going to waste my time here."

"I'll be _your_ consultant and I'll help you if you let me inside."

"That's not up for discussion," Neal hissed. "My body belongs to my husband, Matthew."

Matthew grinned at the younger man. "Do you want my help?" Neal didn't answer. "We'll fuck one last time for good measure and I'll be a good partner. I'll show you the way to our daddy and his bitch while you keep a tight grip on my leash."

"You want me to cheat on my husband," Neal said. Matthew just kept grinning and Neal hit the table as he stood. "Sex isn't part of this agreement. He understands that I was raped against my will. If I let you fuck me, I'm cheating on him and I refuse to do that to him after everything he's done for me." Matthew shrugged. "You can rot in hell for all I care. You're a piece of shit, Matthew. I'm not fucking up my marriage just so you'll help me. I'm perfectly capable of ruining my marriage without your involvement."

"You seriously won't let me shove you against a wall or down on a bed and make sweet love to you? Is _that_ such a bad price to pay to get what you want?"

Neal laughed at his ex-boyfriend. "You and making love do not equate in the slightest, Matthew. You forced me into a threesome on multiple occasions. How is that making love when two of you are fucking me? I haven't let my husband make love to me since he rescued me. What the hell makes you think I'll let you touch me like that before I let my husband touch me?"

"You told me yourself that he isn't involving you. What kind of husband is he? He—"

"That man loves me more than you've ever loved _yourself._ He knows my sexual past and he's still devoted his life and heart to me. If he doesn't involve me, I'll involve myself forcefully. I certainly don't need you." He turned to face the guard, silently nodding to let the guard know he wanted out. "No one is 'making love' to me unless he's my husband, Matthew, so that point is moot. If you change your mind, by all means, do contact me. Otherwise, rot in hell. Become a rape victim and finally understand the hell I'm currently living."

The guard opened the door for Neal and Neal was about to step out. "When can I become this informant of yours?"

Neal turned slightly, giving his ex-boyfriend a curious look. "I need time to put paperwork and such in. You'll get a tracking anklet with this little agreement, too, just so you know."

"Put all of this together and we'll talk, Neal."

The younger man nodded, finally stepping out.

•◊•

Peter stared up at Neal after reading the file Neal dropped onto his desk. "Why?" he asked brokenly.

"Because," Neal responded quietly. "You're keeping me out of this and I can't do this alone."

"So you're turning to Keller?"

Neal glared. "Well, my husband isn't on my side." Peter looked down at his desk and Neal sighed quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm being an ass and there's really no excuse."

"If you want in, I'll let you in," Peter whispered. "I didn't want to involve you because I'm afraid of what it'll do to you. On the flipside, I'm more afraid of them finally killing you if you do this on your own—or with Keller, for that matter." He met Neal's gaze sadly. "I love you too much, Neal. I wish you'd understand that I'm trying to protect you."

The younger man sat down in the chair in front of Peter's desk. He leaned forward and rested his hands atop Peter's. "I do understand. I just don't want you pushing me away. They hurt me, Peter. I want to be there when they're destroyed."

Peter flipped his hands to hold Neal's. "I'm afraid of the way you'll look at me. Neal, all I've wanted to do since you first told me Vincent raped you was kill him. When I saw what Craig did to you, I wanted him dead as well. This time, I truly plan on killing them." He glanced down at their hands and closed his eyes. "I shouldn't want to kill them, but putting them behind bars isn't sufficient enough. Vincent stole your innocence and forced you to submit to him in fear. Craig is just a monster. I never want them to hurt you again and I know I failed you when I told you I'd never let them touch you again. Neal, I promised I'd protect you and—"

"—I ran off on my own. You didn't break your promise to me, Peter." Peter shook his head, telling himself that it was his fault that Neal had been raped again. "Peter, I know you would've protected me if I'd told you what was going on. It's my own fault."

"Do you understand—?"

"Do _you_ understand _me?_" Neal interjected. Peter stared long and hard at his husband before nodding. He blamed himself for both Neal's second and third rape, but Neal would never admit that it was Peter's fault. Neal didn't want Peter to hold that over his own head. "You have been nothing but reassuring, supportive, and loving since Nicky and I came back. You're not at fault for what happened and I'd never even try to pin this on you. I made a decision and the consequences of that were _my_ fault."

Neal gave his husband a small smile that Peter couldn't resist. "All right, hon. I believe you."

"Thank you," Neal whispered. "Don't hurt yourself because I did something reckless. If I brought you in, they might've killed Nicky. I was too afraid to tell you for that reason alone, Peter. That's my baby and I don't want to be responsible for his premature death." Neal's heart hurt just talking about this. He always hated thinking that there may be an instance in which he'd survive his son's life. He couldn't even imagine how painful burying his son would be and he prayed he'd never have to go through that. In all honesty, he believed that was so much worse than being raped. "He hasn't had the chance to find his true love and make a life for himself. Whether he's gay or straight, I want grandchildren from him. He needs to live past his teenage years and I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself if he died."

Peter lifted Neal's left hand and kissed his wedding ring. "He'll live to find his love and have children of his own because of you, Neal. No one ever said you needed to give yourself up to them. You're the kind of father who would give his life for his children and that's something I really love about you." Neal's eyes were watering as he smiled sadly at his husband. "Nicky loves you so much, Neal. You've always been there to protect him. He's alive right now because of you and I know he'll never forget what you put yourself through to ensure he lived." Neal lowered his head a bit and shut his eyes tightly as tears slid down his face. "I know I'll never forget what you did for me," Peter whispered. "We weren't even engaged when you gave yourself up for me. You are the most loving man I have ever met, Neal, and you've been through so much that could have changed you forever. You would have let them kill you to save me or Nicky. Both of us love you dearly, Neal George, and we're both very grateful to you because you're the reason we're alive."

Neal got up and Peter felt for a brief moment that he'd said something to piss Neal off, but he was surprised when Neal came around the desk and pulled him up, subsequently pulling him into a tight hug. "I love you both so damned much. If I lost you, I know I'd never find another man to love me the way you do." Peter rubbed Neal's back and kissed his neck gently as Neal held onto the back of his suit jacket tightly. "After being raped as a teenager and going through so many shitty relationships, you showed me love does exist out there. Not only did you fall in love with me, but you fell in love with my son. No one else would have been able to do that. No one else would have stayed with me once they saw him. Nicky is my life and you accepted him and loved him like he was your own son. From the moment you came into our lives and showed us both that you loved us, I knew there would never be anyone else. I knew we would stay together and I'm so thankful that I was right. I'd give my life for my family because I love you and our children so damn much. Giving up my body is worthwhile if I don't have to forfeit your lives."

"You're a damn good man," Peter whispered, closing his eyes.

•◊•

Neal stood by the door with his arms crossed over his chest as he waited. Nicky was in the living room playing with the twins and he was smiling to himself as he listened to the three of them. As soon as the doorbell rang, Neal was pulling the door open. "Hey, big bro."

Michael and Neal both laughed as they hugged in the doorway. "Hey, kid," he whispered to his brother before they separated. He glanced over Michael's shoulder and smiled. "Hey, Mel. Good to see you again."

"You, too, Neal," she said with a smile.

Neal motioned for them to both come in. "Peter," Neal called out. Peter made a sound of acknowledgement from the kitchen. "Mike and Mel are here."

Peter came out a few moments after the three stepped into the living room. Michael and Peter hugged briefly, exchanging greetings. Peter hugged Mel afterwards and smiled at her when they parted. "We've missed you guys around here."

"That's what happens when my little jerk of a brother decides he wants to move," Neal murmured.

Michael chuckled. "I told you that was temporary. We're both back here now."

"Oh, my God. Are those the twins?" Mel asked, sounding awed as she saw Joey and Brie. Peter smiled as she walked over to them and knelt beside Nicky to smile at the babies. The older man followed her, leaving Neal and Michael.

Michael glanced sideways at his older brother. "Haven't heard from you very much," Michael said quietly. "I mean, we've emailed a bit, but you never really talk about _you._ It's always Peter or the kids."

Neal smiled sadly. "Things with me haven't been all that great, but they're…getting better." Michael gave him a concerned look. "I'm all right. Did Peter tell you?" The younger man nodded slowly, taking his brother's right hand in his. "My body's healed since then, which is nice. Everything with my body is pretty much back to normal now."

"And your sex life is…still on hold?" Neal raised an eyebrow at his brother. "I'm just asking. I know how abstinent you were when this happened before. I've been worried about you, but I'm glad you're looking better than Peter initially described."

"Peter's just as amazing as he was after all that I went through with Craig. He's taking care of me and making sure I know he loves me and he's done everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable with him. Honestly, he doesn't have to try all that hard. He's my husband, so it's not like I'm going to run away from him."

Michael shrugged a bit. "You tend to do that when you're afraid," Michael said tentatively. Neal nodded, knowing that was true. "I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You're the main reason I wanted to come home." Neal's brows furrowed as he stared at his brother. "First of all, I missed seeing all of you. Secondly, I know you're going through a really rough time and I wanted to be here to help out even though Jon and Hannah have been in town."

"I appreciate that, Mike," he said quietly. "Your texts, emails, and our occasional phone calls have helped just so you know."

The younger man pulled Neal into a gentle hug. "I love you, Neal. I'm really sorry that I haven't reached out to you as much as I want to. I'm a pretty bad brother, aren't I?"

Neal chuckled, rubbing Michael's back. "Nah. You've got your life with Mel to focus on. Things here are okay. I've got a wonderful hubby with our wonderful children here. Jon and Hannah are extremely sweet for staying with us thing long." Michael squeezed Neal, resting his chin on Neal's shoulder. "I'll be fine eventually. Peter's been asking me if I want to go back to my group therapy again and I'm considering a different route that I can involve Nicky in."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," Neal said quietly. "He… He was there with me when it happened." Michael's eyes widened as he pulled back to stare at his brother sympathetically. "They didn't do anything to him, but he's still traumatized. His nightmares are always about me and he's been having pretty bad separation anxiety. It's so bad that I've had to get him out of school early because he's having a panic attack." Michael glanced at his nephew who looked anything but traumatized at the moment. He knew from his experience with Neal that traumatized people don't always act as such. "I want to start a support group for children who've witnessed or experienced some sort of abuse. Watching him suffer makes me realize that I do wish I'd had a support group when I was his age and I want him to know he's not alone. Trent's been trying to help him as much as he can, but there's only so much that can be done."

"God," Michael whispered. "Poor kid." He glanced at his brother again, finding the older man's gaze focusing sorrowfully on his son. "He's got you, Peter, and Trent. I see where you're coming from though. Knowing there are other kids out there who went through something similar might help him come to terms with what happened."

Neal nodded slowly. "And I just want to offer support for kids who need it," he whispered. "Trent was abused by his father before. He's been okay since befriending Nicky, but he's always afraid whenever Matthew is mentioned by his mother." Michael knew something was really bothering Neal the moment he saw a tear slide down his brother's face. "I never meant for Nicky to be hurt like this. I tried to protect him and he was still hurt. Every time he looks at me, I know he wants to cry."

"Neal, don't punish yourself," Michael quietly pleaded. "You're both alive. He doesn't have to live without his dad and you don't have to live without your son. You've gotten better before and I know you're strong enough to pull through."

"How much did Peter tell you?"

"He told me Vincent and Craig were involved. I can't imagine how scary it was to wait for one of them to come after you every time."

Neal tensed. "You think it was always individually?" Michael gave him another concerned look. "Sometimes it was. Most of the time, they were both… You know what I'm getting at, right?"

Michael looked horrified. "Holy shit," he said quietly, shocked. "Jesus Christ. You've really survived something truly terrible, Neal."

"I know," Neal whispered. Peter looked back at Neal and there was worry in his eyes. Neal gave him a small smile and tried to reassure Peter that he was all right. Peter kept his eyes on Neal a few moments longer before nodding, turning his attention back to their children. Neal turned to his brother and sighed. "I wouldn't have been able to survive this without Peter," he admitted. "I've been really afraid to talk to him about what happened, but he's…" Neal sighed and smiled. "He's one in a million, Mike. I'm not sure if there's anyone else out there who'd stay with me after all of this. I don't want to find out though. Peter's been great. I feel bad that we haven't done anything in bed together in a few months, but he's… He's never once brought up sex. Peter won't pressure me or guilt me into wanting to do something."

"You certainly grabbed that perfect one," Michael said softly. "I'm really glad he's your husband. I can't see him leaving you at any point and that's fantastic. You deserve someone who's dedicated to you and you've found that in Peter."

Michael and Neal sat down on the couch. Neal watched his husband play with the twins and Nicky. His lips twitched into a slight smile when Peter tickled Nicky. Hearing his son giggle like that made his heart flutter. He was thrilled because Peter was the one making Nicky giggle. "Poppa!" Nicky cried out through his giggles.

Peter chuckled, letting up. He leaned over Nicky and kissed the teenager's forehead. "I love your laugh, buddy," Peter whispered. He poked Nicky's stomach playfully. "I'm gonna get you to laugh at least once a day if I have to. If you don't want me to tickle you every day, you better find something amusing," he teased.

Nicky smiled lovingly at Peter and Neal caught it. The love he saw between them made him want to cry. He truly loved this. Peter was just perfect when it came to Nicky. He had the slightly strict edge about him, but he loved Nicky as much as Neal does. "I like when you tickle me," Nicky said, grinning. "All you do now is play with the babies."

"I didn't think you'd want to play with your old man anymore," Peter said, raising an eyebrow.

The teenager swatted Peter's arm and Neal chuckled. "You're my poppa. I'm still a kid. I want to play with you."

Neal's heart nearly leapt out of his chest when Peter jumped at Nicky and started kissing his face while tickling him mercilessly. Nicky's laughter was contagious and the adults around him soon joined in. The last time Peter was this playful with Nicky had to have been a couple years ago. Nicky, as he grew up, wanted to be treated like a young man rather than a kid, but he was still a kid deep down and he admitted that to Peter.

When Peter broke away to let Nicky catch his breath while laughing, Peter turned a bit to meet Neal's loving gaze. Peter looked like his heart stopped when he took in the sight of Neal's soft smile and the light in his blue eyes. He pushed himself up from the floor and moved closer to Neal, kneeling in front of the younger man. He rested his hands on Neal's thighs and Neal caressed Peter's cheeks before kissing his husband gently.

Not too long thereafter, Peter and Neal put the twins to bed together. Neal tucked Joey into his crib and smiled a little as Joey made a small sound while turning in his sleep. He wasn't entirely surprised when Peter's arms slid around his waist. "Thank you," he whispered, resting his hands atop Peter's, "for making Nicky laugh like that. It's been too long since he was able to do that and I really appreciate that you were the one to do it."

Peter kissed Neal's cheek. "He's our baby," Peter said softly. "I want to make him happy as much as I want to make you happy, honey."

"You did a very good job at that," Neal commented. The older man tentatively kissed Neal's neck, gently sucking on his skin. Neal moaned quietly at first and then he felt Vincent's dry, chapped lips instead of Peter's soft lips. He shuddered and pleaded, "Stop."

Peter backed off immediately, resting his hands on Neal's waist. "I'm so sorry," Peter said hurriedly. "I didn't mean—"

Neal breathed quickly as he whispered, "Just wait." He closed his eyes and turned to face his husband. Neal opened his eyes a bit to look into his husband's eyes and he slid his hands down Peter's torso, gently lifting his shirt to slide his hands up Peter's abdomen, up to his chest where he could feel Peter's scar. Peter didn't say a word as Neal grounded himself to reality. Peter knew Neal needed to do this part on his own. "Okay," Neal whispered after sliding his fingers over the scar a few times.

"I'm really sorry, angel. I didn't mean to throw you back to that."

Neal shook his head, wrapping his arms around Peter. "It's not your fault. You're just being you and I'm…just being me."

Peter kissed Neal's jaw, rubbing the younger man's back. "Don't ever worry about this," Peter said firmly. "I'm relieved that you told me to stop. I never want to push you out of your comfort zone and I'm glad you let me know when I did."

"This isn't fair," Neal said petulantly. "They keep ruining this—everything romantic with you. We haven't had sex in a while and now you can't even kiss my neck without sending me spiraling backwards."

"Neal, baby, it's honestly okay. I know it'll take time for you to recover and I'll be here through it all. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. I'm perfectly content with the love of my life and our beautiful family." Neal sighed and Peter squeezed his husband. "If you don't want me to blame myself, then you damn well better not pin the blame on yourself either, my love."

"I know it isn't my fault—kind of." Peter was grinding his teeth a bit, wishing he could finally convince Neal that he wasn't at fault for this. Neal was only doing what he thought was right. Protecting his son came before all else and he'd done that at his own risk. Peter would never tell Neal that he was at fault because he willingly gave those monsters his body. No, Peter would always blame them for being monsters who craved Neal's pain and suffering. They craved the destruction of Neal's body and willpower. They loved to see him fall apart and they loved to rip him apart from the inside out. Peter despised them for wanting to hurt someone who'd never deserved any of this. Even if Neal wasn't the man he is right now, he still wouldn't deserve this. Peter didn't think anybody deserved to be raped time and time again against their will for the rapists' entertainment.

Peter wished that someone would rape Vincent and Craig to make them feel the way they made Neal feel. He'd pay to watch them endure rape and he'd enjoy it. Thinking like this made him ill at ease. He isn't supposed to want revenge and he certainly isn't the kind of man to wish something as truly terrible as rape on someone else. He isn't like Fowler. He wouldn't hire someone to rape the people he wanted revenge against. Neal would never be able to look at him the same if he ever did that, even if it was done to the bastards who abused Neal's body repeatedly. Neal loved that Peter was a kind, gentle, sweet man. If Peter became the kind of man who hired rapists for revenge, Neal would leave him. He would have become as much of a monster as Vincent and Craig and that thought made him sick. Losing Neal was a hard enough thought as it was. Becoming that kind of sick monster twisted his stomach entirely.

"You're innocent," Peter whispered in Neal's ear. "Never tell yourself otherwise, Neal."

Both men returned to the living room downstairs to sit with Nicky, Michael, and Mel. Neal intertwined his fingers with Peter's as a result of their conversation upstairs following tucking the twins into their cribs. He really needed to hear Peter tell him he was innocent in all of this because he really doubted that. Sometimes, he told himself he was just begging for this to happen again. "Uncle Mikey said he's gonna be living with Auntie June and Uncle Mozzie again," Nicky announced happily after his fathers got comfortable on the couch.

"Fortunately, June loves you and Mozzie has learned to at least mildly like you," Peter teased. "It's nice to be able to come back to town with the promise of a roof over your head. June is a beautiful woman."

The conversation in the living room was light, even as Nicky switched couches and laid himself on his father. His head rested on Neal's chest and Neal's arms wound around him protectively. Peter stroked Nicky's hair until Nicky fell asleep on top of Neal. "He's pretty clingy to you," Michael commented after watching his brother and nephew. He understood why Nicky wanted to be so close to Neal though.

"For good reason," Peter answered, meeting Neal's eyes. "I'd act the same way if I were him. You're a very easy man to love, Neal." Neal gave his husband a small smile, his cheeks heating up. "He loves Neal a hell of a lot, especially after all they went through together," Peter added quietly.

Mel curled up against Michael's side, hoping that she and Michael could have a bond as strong as what Neal and Peter seemed to have.

Neal ended up carrying Nicky upstairs haphazardly around two in the morning. Michael and Peter started drinking and Neal really wasn't in the mood to watch his husband and brother act like drunken idiots, so he decided to put his son to bed. "Dad?" Nicky whispered as Neal was laying him down. Neal glanced at Nicky's face. "I love you a lot."

"I love you, too, kiddo," Neal whispered. "More than you'll ever know." He kissed Nicky's forehead and left, heading back to his own bedroom to wait for his husband to drunkenly stumble up the stairs. Reaching over towards his nightstand, he pulled a book out and decided to occupy himself while he was alone for the moment.

He had no idea how much time had passed between opening his book and waking up to feel Peter crawl into bed with him. He didn't move, but Peter startled him when he pressed his front against Neal's back. He gripped Neal's hip and grinded against the younger man. Neal's eyes flew open and his heart started racing. Peter's hand slid over his chest, down towards his abdomen. "Mm," Peter moaned.

Neal wasn't entirely sure how to react. "Peter, stop," he pleaded. Peter didn't listen and he tried to tell himself and convince himself that it was because Peter was intoxicated. Otherwise, Peter would _never_ do this. He grabbed Peter's hand and pried it away from him, shoving him back. "Peter, I said stop," he whispered shakily. Peter stared up at him blearily in the dim lighting. He shoved Peter's body backwards as well and Peter looked a little surprised. He leaned forward and tried to kiss Neal, but Neal dodged him, rolling out of bed. "You're scaring me," he admitted as beads of sweat formed on his neck and chest.

"I'm sorry," Peter slurred, rubbing his forehead. "I didn't wanna scare you." Peter held the blanket up. "Come back, honey?" The younger man tentatively stepped closer to the bed. Once he was sure Peter wouldn't advance on him again, he sat down and threw his legs up onto the mattress. Peter tucked the blanket in around him and scooted closer to him, resting his head on Neal's chest. "I wanna be close to you again."

"Sexually?" Neal asked quietly. He felt Peter nodding against him. "Maybe soon, Peter. I still need some time."

Peter nodded again, holding Neal's hip gently while nuzzling Neal's chest. "I'll always wait for you," he whispered, yawning slightly before sighing contentedly.

"Am I really worth the wait? I mean, you could have anyone in the world and make love to them on a daily basis. With me—"

"You're always worth it," Peter said slowly, trying to form clear words. "I don't wanna make love to anybody but you. I don't want anyone else but you." He threw his leg over Neal's and whispered, "You're mine. Not gonna give you up."

Neal chuckled quietly, rubbing Peter's arm slowly. "You always make me feel like I belong here," he said softly. "Even when your ass is drunk, I still know I'm meant to be with you."

"Not as drunk as you think I am," Peter murmured. "Stupid, but not completely drunk."

Again, Neal chuckled. "All right. You're a brilliant man, Peter Michael Burke. Go to sleep. You're going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning like _always._"

Peter nodded, snuggling closer to Neal's body to absorb his husband's warmth. He may be the bigger and bulkier of the two, but Neal was always so damn warm and Peter loved that. Even in his mixed up, confused state, he knew he'd misstepped his boundaries with Neal in bed for a brief moment. He could recognize that in his addled mind. Neal means the world to him and seeing Neal afraid of him for that very brief time made realization dawn on him. He needed to be more careful. Drunk or not, there was no excuse to pressure his husband in even the most subtle of ways. "Love you, Neal," Peter said quietly, smiling as he spoke. Neal chuckled for the third time, smiling to himself as well while he told Peter he loved him just as much. Neal was all right because he knew Peter respected him regardless of the state one or both of them was in. He believed Peter was an idiot for getting drunk or at least slightly intoxicated, but Peter was still a gentleman after Neal went into a slight panic.

The older man knew he needed to take Neal's feelings and fears into consideration. It was tough to make Neal trust him routinely, but it would be even harder with the addition of alcohol. Fortunately, Peter wasn't an alcoholic. This was just a brief lapse in his judgment because Michael came in and wanted to drink a bit. As his head rose and fell with Neal's even breaths during the night, he found himself determined to keep them both on the straight and narrow. No alcohol for either of them, especially Neal. Cutting himself was bad enough—so was the forced vomiting—and Peter didn't want Neal to turn to alcohol to solve his problems or at least help them fade into the background a bit.

He needed to take care of Neal. Neal and their children are his first priority. A little fun on the side with alcohol should never have become a factor and he promised himself he'd abstain from drinking until he and Neal could celebrate the deaths of those two bastards who didn't deserve to live another day. When they were gone, he and Neal would be just fine. There would be no looking over their shoulders to see if anyone were following them and there would be no more mysterious calls leading Neal into a situation in which his body was abused.

Peter whispered his love for Neal once more before falling asleep to the sound of Neal's beating heart.


	23. Chapter 23

Peter slid his arms around Neal, holding him close. The feeling of Neal's bare skin against his was something he'd truly missed. Neal sat between his legs with bubbles surrounding them. "It's been a while since we did this," Neal whispered, closing his eyes as he turned his head to the side a bit. "I figured this is one step in the right direction regarding our lovemaking even if we're not doing something just yet."

The older man gave the back of his husband's head a very stern glare. "Neal George Burke," he said firmly. Neal's back tensed as he turned a bit to look up at Peter. He immediately bit his lip when he saw the expression on Peter's face. "Don't you dare think we have to have sex anytime soon. I'm lucky to have you here with me right now. Hugging, kissing, and sleeping beside you satisfy me."

"What if I want to have sex with you?"

Peter raised an eyebrow. "I've been with you for almost five years. If you think I don't know you by now, you're crazy. That slight tremor in your voice is also very telling." He kissed Neal's jaw. "Taking a bath with you is nice, but that doesn't mean we have to start having sex again."

"Our marriage is going to suffer if we don't," Neal said miserably.

"Do you really think I'm that starved for sex?" Peter asked incredulously. He watched his husband practically shrink in either embarrassment or guilt and it made Peter sigh. "I just love being with you, Neal. I love looking at you and talking to you. I'm perfectly fine with immediately going to sleep with you when we're in bed." He rubbed Neal's abdomen slowly. "I won't lie and tell you that I'm not interested in making love to you ever again. I really do want to make love to you again someday, but I'm able to wait. Seeing you alive and in front of me is the best thing in the world, Neal. We aren't physically intimate right now, but you're alive. Because you're alive, we have time to make love together again. I don't care how long it takes. I'll never order you to get on your back or mount yourself on top of me so I can get off. Baby, you and your body are important to me. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin again and I want you to just relax." Neal nodded slowly, meeting Peter's eyes now. "In case you forgot, I'm Peter. I'm the one who'll never pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or something that makes you uncomfortable. I'm the one who _loves_ you for your heart and personality above all else."

Neal nodded. "I know. I'm sorry, Peter." Peter rubbed bubbles over Neal's chest as Neal whispered, "I know you're my Peter. I just… You know me."

"I do," Peter agreed. "I know how high you set expectations for yourself, my love. Don't reach for heights you can't manage right now. When the time is right, I'll be right at your side and I'll personally lift you to reach what's just out of range."

Neal chuckled. "Somehow, I found a sex pun in that."

Peter swatted Neal's stomach playfully. Neal leaned back against him and Peter nuzzled his cheek against Neal's head. His hands were resting on Neal's stomach and Neal lifted his hands to place them over Peter's. The younger man's eyes were closed and he was smiling. "It's nice to be this close to you," Peter whispered. "We're close in bed, but you haven't…felt comfortable without your clothes. I like skin to skin contact with you because you're so warm."

"You've seen me naked since I came back."

"When you're dressing yourself after taking a shower alone," Peter murmured. "All that lingerie you haven't worn in months… Those poor things are missing your beautiful manliness and that sweet ass of yours."

Neal chuckled, nodding. "Yeah. Well, I'll get back into them soon just for you."

Peter kissed Neal's wet hair. "Don't get me wrong. Boxers are sexy on you, but I really like how the lingerie looks." He paused deliberately, smiling as he added, "Pretty much everything is sexy on you, darling."

"I'll feel comfortable soon, babe. I mean, I could probably start tonight."

"There's really no rush. I'm just messing with you, honey," Peter said hurriedly.

Neal rolled his eyes. "I'll honestly admit that I'm not one hundred percent comfortable going to bed naked just yet, but I can go to bed in my underwear and I'll probably be okay."

Peter kissed just below Neal's ear. "I won't push you to do anything you're not ready to do."

They got out twenty minutes later when the water started to chill them. Neither of them worried about walking around naked since it was so late at night and they were a very short distance from their bed. Neal guided Peter out of the bathroom and jumped just as he opened the door, finding his son sleeping in their bed. "Jesus," Neal whispered as he relaxed. "Good thing I decided I'm still wearing _something_ to bed," he added as he headed over to his dresser to grab his lingerie. Peter smirked at his husband, grabbing briefs from his own dresser. When they were both in their underwear, they met at the end of the bed. Neal wrapped his arms around Peter's neck and Peter smiled lovingly at the younger man, holding his hips.

Peter leaned forward to press his lips against Neal's softly, murmuring, "I love you, Neal."

Neal smiled. "I love you."

The older man pulled Neal onto the bed with him, watching his face to make sure he wasn't afraid to crawl into bed with hardly any of his clothes on. He'd completely understand if Neal wanted to get a shirt and some pants. He waited until Neal plopped down onto the middle of the mattress before lying down behind him. Peter draped his arm over Neal's waist and Neal held Nicky close. "Sleep well, baby," Peter whispered, kissing Neal's shoulder as Neal started to drift off.

•◊•

Neal dropped down into his chair and rolled closer to his desk phone, picking it up. "Special Agent Neal Burke speaking," he answered.

"_Hi, Mister Burke. This is a call from Ascension regarding your son, Nicolas._"

His eyes widened a bit. "Is my son okay?"

The woman on the other end hesitated. "_He and another student got into a physical fight during the lunch period today and were both suspended. He's a bit bruised and specifically told me to call you. The other boy's parents are on their way here if you're able to join us as well._"

Neal mouthed 'son of a bitch' as he dropped his forehead into his palm. "Yeah. I'll be there soon." The call ended and he sighed heavily, opening his email. Peter was on the phone and he didn't want to interrupt, so he sent him a quick email. "Hey, love. Sounds like Nick got into trouble at school. Principal called and asked me to head over. Promise you I'm only going to the school for this and then I'll come back."

While Neal was grabbing his jacket and slipping his phone into his pocket, his email pinged and he opened Peter's message. "_Okay, hon. I want lunch with you when you get back. Sound good? I love you, baby. Hope everything with Nicky's okay._"

Neal glanced up at his husband's office and smiled at him. Peter returned the smile and nodded at Neal. The younger man closed the browser and headed over to the elevators. He waited until the doors opened before stepping in and headed down to the first floor. He headed to the lot to grab the Taurus, flipping through his keys to grab the right one. He unlocked the door and slid in, locking the doors while he slid the key into the ignition.

Upon arriving at Ascension, Neal glanced around and saw that everything here seemed calm. As he neared the office, however, that wasn't the case. He could hear Nicky raising his voice, so he sped up, barging through the door as soon as he could. Nicky froze and met his father's eyes fearfully. Neal's brows furrowed and he glanced at the other boy's parents and the principal. "Daddy, I—"

"I don't want apologies, Nick," he said quietly. "I want to know what's going on."

The boy's mother angrily spat, "Your _child_ says my son was acting homophobic. My baby would never say anything cruel about another person."

Neal scoffed. "And my son wouldn't act this way unless your baby was saying homophobic things."

"I don't even know who's homosexual," she said, rolling her eyes.

"That would be me and my husband," Neal stated firmly. She looked at him blankly. "Nick, what was he saying to you?"

"Can I say it?" Neal looked confused, but nodded. "He called you a fag, dad. He said you're making me gay just because I'm always with Trent." Nicky glared at the other boy. "He said you're a bad dad because you and poppa sleep together."

Neal was floored as he stared at his son. The other boy's father looked just as stunned. "Is this true, Derek?"

The boy, Derek, looked at Neal and laughed. "Look at him. He looks like a girl." Neal didn't say anything to that. He really didn't feel the need because he'd been told repeatedly through his life that he had feminine characteristics to his appearance and he really didn't care anymore. "Heard a teacher say Dicky was kept out because you got screwed."

"Excuse me?" he said, raising his voice a bit. "That is _not_ my son's name and I really don't care what you think of me. Nick was kept out of school for personal reasons that aren't any of your concern."

"He wasn't screwed!" Nicky cried. "My daddy got raped and you're a jerk! He's not a bad dad!"

Neal's eyes widened as he stared at Nicky again. He felt so embarrassed. His cheeks were heating up immensely under the scrutiny of the boy's parents. The father looked sympathetic, but the mother looked like she wouldn't touch Neal with a ten foot pole. "Nicolas James Burke," he hissed. "You are _not_ allowed to discuss things that happened to me while you're here."

Nicky pleaded with Neal. "But he was saying those things about you and he thought you wanted it just because it was another guy and you're gay!"

"Let him think that then," Neal bit out. "You know better, Nicolas—or at least I thought you did." Nicky frowned as Neal turned to the principal. She immediately apologized to him. "I'm sorry for my son's actions. I'll see to it that he learns not to act like this anymore."

"Damn right," the mother muttered.

Neal's teeth were grinding, but he patted Nicky's shoulder. "C'mon, Nick."

Nicky pouted as he stood up and took Neal's hand, intertwining their fingers. "Look at the little fag," Neal heard the boy say while chuckling.

Nicky was immediately enraged and Neal actually struggled to hold him back. "Nicolas, stop," Neal demanded. "It's not worth fighting about."

"Yeah. Listen to your mommy."

Neal tensed as he finally got a tight grip around his son's torso. Nicky still fought against Neal, but Neal wasn't letting go. "I really hope that kid is getting suspended a lot longer than my son is," Neal growled as he forced Nicky to move away from the kid. He tugged Nicky through the office doorway and was relieved that Nicky simmered down after the boy was out of sight. "Jesus Christ, Nick. You don't need to start fights because some idiot insulted me."

"You have no idea how it feels to listen to that!" Nicky cried, staring up at Neal with tears in his eyes. "There are like one or two kids who accuse you of making me gay or molesting me or whatever they're saying. A lot of them were trying to get Derek to shut up, but he kept going on and on about you like he knows you." Neal bit his lip, hating how he could really do nothing but listen to his son and watch him cry simultaneously. "You and poppa love each other so damn much and nobody understands that you're not some bastard trying to—"

Neal immediately interjected, "I get that you're mad, but that's no excuse to swear at me, Nicolas James." Nicky lowered his gaze from Neal's face and nodded. "Talk to me like you always do. Don't stoop to his level and turn on me after trying to protect me. I'm your father and I really thought I raised you properly, so speak to me properly."

Nicky nodded again. "Sorry, dad," he whispered. "You just have no idea how much it hurts to hear someone say such cruel things about you. Nobody knows what we went through together, dad. They just assume everything wrong with me is your fault because you're gay. I love you, daddy, and I'm proud of the fact that you're my gay daddy. You're gay and happy and you love me, poppa, and the babies."

"Listen," Neal said gently as he moved back towards the wall to get out of the walkway. He knelt in front of Nicky, holding his son's hands. "You know all that stuff about me, Nick. You're right when you say no one else does and so what? I love you to death and I'd do anything for you just like any good father would." He smiled a little at Nicky. "Don't listen to that crap, okay? You're a good kid. Don't let him pull you down because he knows what buttons to push. You're such a smart boy and I know you're sweet. You're really protective of me and I appreciate that, but these kids don't know me, so it shouldn't matter that they assume the wrong things."

"But it does matter," Nicky said petulantly. "Trent was at my side defending you, too."

Neal smiled a little wider at that. "I love you both for doing that for me, but it isn't worth getting suspended over, Nick." Nicky kept frowning, his gaze staying away from his father's face. Neal squeezed his son's hands, whispering, "Look at me, baby." His smile was softer now that Nicky was looking at him. "I love you so much, Nicky, and I'm always happy to see that you love me just as much. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me, okay? I've got you, poppa, and the little ones. That's all I've ever needed. What one or two kids think of me shouldn't matter. I'm gay and I certainly hope you don't believe what he said about me influencing you that way. I've never once tried to make you something you're not."

"I know that, dad. You told me before that you'll love me if I like girls and you'll love me if I like boys." Neal nodded. "I don't like that people think they can just insult you."

Neal sighed, giving his son a sad smile. "Unfortunately, poppa's not gonna like hearing about this."

"Don't tell him, daddy," Nicky pleaded.

"He already knows you got into trouble. I'm just warning you now that you're probably going to have to talk to poppa one-on-one after dinner tonight." Nicky looked away from Neal again. "He's not going to be really mad, kiddo. You know poppa won't yell at you or hit you or anything like that over this. He'll _talk_ to you. You listen to him when he's talking to you and he makes a lot of sense to you."

"You think you can't talk to me now?"

"I didn't say that," Neal said quickly. "Poppa's a little better with the strictness we need in the house. I've always been really lenient on you. Poppa is better at scolding you and making you think about whatever you did wrong." Neal pushed himself up to his full height and took Nicky's hand. "There's no reason to be afraid of poppa, kiddo. He loves you just as much as I do."

•◊•

Neal's gaze kept flickering between his husband and son over the dinner table. He'd cooked and cleaned because Peter was _pissed._ Peter's eyes were closed and Neal was starting to worry that he was going to explode. He was preparing to throw himself between them when Peter finally opened his eyes and breathed heavily. "I don't condone what you did or said, Nicolas," Peter said gently. "I appreciate that you stood up for your father, but suspensions get put on your record. There was no reason to lash out at him physically."

Nicky frowned. "He hit me first."

"That doesn't give you an excuse to hit him back," Peter said a little more firmly. "Nicky, daddy raised you differently than that boy was raised. You respect daddy and that's great, but dad doesn't want you getting into any more fights at school."

The teenager shook his head. "Poppa, you would've done the same thing at work if someone insulted daddy because he's gay."

Neal gave his husband a wary glance, knowing that was a very touchy subject for Peter because he was easily aggravated if someone made a comment about Neal on the basis of his sexuality. "I _have_ protected daddy at work when someone said something I didn't like, but I never hit anyone because of it. You're smarter than that kid is, Nick. You know what dad and I expect of you."

"Be a good, little boy and pretend like nothing matters at all," Nicky muttered under his breath.

Neal's lips parted as Peter's frustration rose. "That is _not_ what we expect," he snapped. "Dad taught you to have manners and respect others. I'm not going to tell you that this doesn't matter because I know it does. I'm not happy about what was said about daddy either." Nicky opened his mouth to speak, but Peter kept going. "We both know you're going to have your moments when you're angry at someone for something they did or said, but you don't need to be like them when you're angry. You don't need to resort to swearing or fighting. That's abasing the young man you are, Nicolas. The school year is almost over and this isn't a good way to end the year. You're going into high school next year, kiddo."

Nicky crossed his arms over his chest and Neal took over before Peter could get even more aggravated. "Listen to poppa," Neal said gently. "We both know you're a very bright and sweet kid. You've gotten accepted into one of the better high schools in the area, Nick, and I'm really proud of you for that. You know Derek won't be going there. All you needed to do was walk away from the issue."

"Of course. Your solution to everything is to just walk away," Nicky said bitterly.

"Don't turn against me," Neal pleaded. "We're trying to talk to—"

"You're trying to control me."

"Nicolas James," Peter snapped.

Neal sat back and watched his son and husband argue back and forth and it was really getting on his nerves. They were both raising their voices and that was when Neal heard the babies crying through the intercom. "Knock it off," Neal said loudly. "Brie and Joey are awake. Are you going to help me or are you staying here to bitch at each other back and forth?"

Nicky looked surprised by his father's words and how harsh he sounded as he stared at Peter. "You know I'll help you," Peter whispered, pushing his chair back.

Neal slid his chair back and got up. "Nick, start your homework. We're gonna take care of the twins and then we'll be back down here." He glanced at Peter. "Get their bottles. I'll see you upstairs." Peter nodded, heading into the kitchen. Nicky went into the living room to grab his backpack as Neal headed upstairs. He managed to grab both babies and held them against him, rocking them gently while shushing them. "Daddy's got you," he whispered. He could feel Brie's fingers rubbing the fabric of his shirt while Joey lazily laid against him. "Poppa will be up in a sec." Brie was wailing a moment later and Joey joined in. He was desperately trying to get them to settle down and it wasn't working out very well since his usual tactic to calm them down was hindered due to the fact he was holding both of them simultaneously.

"Here," Peter whispered, holding his arms out. Neal nodded and slid Brie into Peter's arms, taking one of the bottles from his husband. He shifted Joey in his arms and rubbed the nipple of the bottle against his son's lips until Joey started sucking on it. He heaved a quiet sigh of relief when the room was quiet. He watched Joey raptly, loving the feeling of holding _his_ baby in his arms. Every time he held one of them, he was thrown back to his baby days with Nicky. He smiled when he remembered how little he knew about raising a child on his own because he looked at his life in its current state and realized he knew so much more and he was no longer raising a child on his own. He was raising three children with his loving, devoted husband. Even if Peter was a bit on edge at times, Peter still loves all of their kids. "I'm sorry," Peter finally said after several minutes of silence between them. "I shouldn't have started arguing with Nicky. That was very childish of me and I know it upset you."

"It's okay," Neal said quietly. "I just don't like hearing you two argue."

Once both of the twins' diapers were changed and they were in their cribs, Neal led Peter out of the babies' room and nearly shut the door. "Neal, I—"

"Don't say anything. Just come with me," Neal said quietly, nodding in the direction of their bedroom. Peter followed his husband into their bedroom and took a seat at the foot of the bed when Neal motioned for him to sit down. "I think you need to tone it down a bit when you're scolding him," Neal said. "You were being snippy and I understand both of your points of view. He… I didn't tell you this when you got home, but he blatantly announced that I was raped in front of the boy, his parents, and the principal. It was so humiliating being looked at like I was some kind of freak." He combed his fingers through his hair and breathed shakily. "He's been trying to protect me since we were both kidnapped, Peter. I know he feels a little guilty and responsible for what happened to me, so he is easily angered when someone says something about me. You two are very alike in that aspect and that means a lot to me. I just wish you would both relax. What happened to me shouldn't be this big of a deal and it certainly shouldn't extend into our lives outside of this house. It shouldn't hurt us at home either."

Peter's lips parted as he watched his husband start to crack. He immediately stood up and rested his hands on Neal's hips just as Neal started to cry quietly. "Honey, I'm really sorry," he whispered, sliding his arms around Neal's back to hold him close. "I didn't mean to upset you and I definitely don't want you to upset yourself over this."

"He told them what happened," Neal said in between sobbing gasps. "No one is supposed to know. I don't trust them. I don't know what they'll do with that information and I don't know what'll happen to me and Nicky because Nicky was there and he saw what could be considered a lot of porn right in front of him."

The older man rubbed Neal's back, kissing his neck. "Neal, don't tell yourself it was porn. That doesn't make it any easier." He breathed heavily, wishing he could help Neal a lot more than this. "They can't and won't do anything to you. I'll make damn sure of that. It wasn't your fault and you tried to protect Nicky. They forced him to listen and see it all. You didn't ask him to watch what they did to you. Neal, they can't hold this against you because you had nothing to do with this. You tried your damnedest to protect our baby and they—"

Neal shook his head, sobbing into Peter's shoulder. "You don't get it. I should've been able to protect myself. I should've been able to stop this from happening. Nicky shouldn't have been there and he wouldn't have been if I'd even tried to act like a God damn man. I let him down and he's suffering because of it. He's having nightmares because of me. He's—"

"Baby, stop," Peter pleaded as his eyes watered. "You can't do this to yourself, Neal. Don't blame yourself or try to tell yourself that this wouldn't have happened if you'd 'tried harder.' For all you know, lashing out at them as a form of self-defense might've gotten you and Nicky both killed." Neal breathed heavily against the older man. "You're both home and safe now. Don't let this hurt you. What they did was painful enough. Inflicting pain on yourself will only make things worse."

The younger man lifted his head enough to rub his eyes. "You're right," he whispered as he sniffled. Peter kissed his temple and slid his hands up and down Neal's back soothingly. "You're always right."

•◊•

Peter tapped the edge of Neal's desk, startling his husband. "Hey, sleeping beauty," Peter teased. Neal rubbed his eyes and gave Peter a small smile. "Feel like helping me with a case or would you like to go back to sleep?"

"All of this paperwork is killing me. Please get me out of here."

The older man chuckled. "We all know how much you _love_ paperwork." He nodded towards the elevators. "C'mon, baby."

Neal stacked his paperwork neatly before jumping up from his seat. "What's this one entail?" he asked as they started heading for the elevators together.

Peter pressed the down button, grinning at Neal. "You'll see."

Neal was a bit surprised when they got into the Taurus only to have Peter hand him a blindfold. "Why do I feel like you're taking me on some sexual field trip?"

All he got in response was a chuckle. "Put it on. I'm gonna surprise you." Neal raised an eyebrow, but did as Peter asked. He tied the blindfold over his eyes and Peter took his hand, intertwining their fingers while he drove. They drove for about fifteen minutes and Neal spent the entirety of that time trying to prod hints out of his husband. When the car stopped, his curiosity was piqued. "I'm gonna come around and open the door to help you out. Don't you dare lower the blindfold, my love." Neal waited as Peter got out, shut his door, and came around to Neal's side. He pulled Neal's door open and gently took Neal's hand, helping him step out of the car. Once Neal was far enough away from the car, Peter shut the door and proceeded to lead his husband forward.

"I still feel like you're taking me somewhere to do some sexual stuff. The only time we've ever used blindfolds was for sex."

Peter laughed. "Get your mind out of bed, baby," he said, amused. Peter led him several feet across pavement before he gently stopped Neal with a hand on his chest. "All right. Honey, I took the liberty of doing something for you as a very belated birthday gift to you because I know this is something you really wanted." Neal smiled a little at that, loving how sweet Peter was even though he had no idea what Peter was talking about. "On three, take the blindfold off." Neal nodded. "One." Peter squeezed Neal's hand, his heart beating wildly as he stared at the building in front of them. "Two." The anticipation and curiosity was beginning to kill Neal. He was dying to know what his husband did. After all, he'd covered it up by calling it a case. "Three."

Neal lifted his hands to untie the blindfold, but Peter did it for him. He blinked a few times to refocus his vision, but looked up at the building in front of him in awe. "Peter Michael," he said, sounding stunned. In front of him stood a building with the banner _Neal's Net_ on its front in rainbow text.

Peter worried his lip as he watched his husband's face. He wasn't entirely sure if this was what Neal had in mind, but he'd tried desperately to find something he thought Neal would like. "I know it's not the best I could do, but I think it's—"

"Perfect," Neal said wistfully. He looked at his husband and grinned like a child on Christmas morning. "Peter, this is perfect. How in the hell did you find it so fast?"

"I found a one floor building that had enough room for a bunch of couches and some cabinets for snacks like you talked about. Thanks to several people I called for recommendations, I was shown your options very quickly and this was honestly the best of the bunch. It's also great because you've gotten a couple hits already and two of them are in wheelchairs, so it's easily accessible by them without a ramp or too much strain to get into the building." Neal looked at Peter like he could just love the man to bits on the spot. "You really like it?"

Neal smacked Peter's chest playfully. "Peter, I love it. This is fantastic. Like, I didn't even know there was an empty building I could use in the area. How did you get hits already? This is a new thing entirely."

Peter smiled lovingly at the younger man. "You told me you were sure there were plenty of kids out there who needed help emotionally because they were involved in some instance of abuse. As it turns out, you were right. Several parents emailed the account I made for you. You'll have to figure out the specifics and such, but I've got a telephone number and email account all set up for you, baby. Also, I've gotten you a very lovely, willing woman to assist you as your receptionist and co-group member." Neal raised an eyebrow. "I pitched the idea to June initially and she was very enthusiastic about supporting you and your idea, so… I hope you don't mind, but I offered her a position. She was actually one of the people who recommended you for this."

"God. That's perfect!" Neal looked so thrilled and it warmed Peter's heart. He watched Neal's eyes roam over the building. "I'll be here for two hours a night between Monday and Friday, then I can do up to three hours on Saturday and Sunday." He turned to Peter again. "As long as that's okay. I mean, we have our own kids to take care of and I don't want to abandon you while—"

"This is yours to run with," Peter said softly. "I gave you the push you needed. Time limits are what you want them to be. And Nicky will be here with you during sessions as long as he feels up to going. I think I can handle the twins for a few hours while you're spending that time helping a bunch of kids who sincerely need you."

Neal nodded, pulling Peter close for a hug as they both kept their eyes on the building. "It's going to be non-profitable. I don't want money for this."

Peter kissed Neal's hair. "I figured you'd say that. I plan on helping you pay for the utilities here because you're doing this for a good cause, hon."

The younger man closed his eyes for a moment before pulling away. He slid his arms around Peter's neck, clasping his hands behind Peter. "Thank you so much," he whispered. "This means more than you know to me, Peter."

Peter rubbed Neal's lower back, smiling at him. He leaned forward to kiss his husband softly, whispering, "Happy belated birthday, my love."


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: There's a sex scene in this chapter. I left it in only because **_**I **_**thought it was relevant. If you'd like to skip that part, it's between asterisks.**

"Hey, Burkey. Smile, my friend."

Peter was grinding his teeth as he kept his eyes on his husband. "I really hope you know what you're doing," he muttered as he leaned over to get closer to the paperwork Neal was filling out. Neal glanced sideways at him for a moment, giving him a look that Peter recognized as the 'we will talk later' look. Ever since they'd arrived at the penitentiary earlier in the morning, Keller's done nothing but taunt Peter and Peter was about ready to call it quits and drag Neal out whilst leaving Keller to rot in hell. "I don't understand why you're releasing him after all that he did to Trent—and to you, for that matter."

"He's going to help _us_ find Adler and Laird," Neal said, sighing. Peter rested his hand on Neal's lower back when he noticed Keller leering at Neal's ass. Neal glanced up at him again and found all the signs of his jealousy. His lips twitched into a small smile for a split second before he refocused on signing the papers. When he straightened up, he held the pen towards Peter. The older man simply stared at Neal without taking it from him. "I need you to sign this," Neal whispered, his eyes pleading with his husband.

Peter looked at Keller once before meeting Neal's eyes. "I'm only doing this for you," he said firmly as he took the pen. He looked at Keller again and growled, "This is in no way supporting you, Keller. You're a bastard and I'll put you right back in this cell of yours if you so much as sexually harass my husband."

Keller chuckled as Peter signed his name on the forms. "Awe, Burkey is all protective of his little guy." Neal heard the way Keller said 'guy' and knew Keller was going to say something along the lines of 'slut' or 'whore' initially, but he seemed to take Peter's threat seriously.

"Here," Peter said bitterly as he picked up the stack of papers and pressed it against Neal's chest. Neal bit his lip as he took the papers from Peter's grip. Peter glanced at the Marshals who'd been waiting for them to finish their paperwork. "Take him to get fitted for his anklet. Make damn sure it can't be removed." Keller was led away, leaving Neal and Peter by themselves. Neal was worried about Peter's temper. "You realize you've got a horny dog on a leash now, right?" Neal flinched at how angry Peter sounded and Peter noticed. "Sorry," he said with a sigh. "I really don't like the idea of him following you around all the time now."

"He's your parolee, too, Peter. You co-signed his work release forms."

"I feel like something should be said about him being like a slave here," Peter said quietly.

Neal shook his head. "Peter, don't act like this. I know you're pissed off—at me more than anyone else, I think." He moved closer to Peter, leaning against Peter's chest while wrapping his arms around his husband's torso. "You aren't a slave driver, so don't act like that."

Peter sighed again, staring down at the younger man. He finally returned the embrace, rubbing Neal's back. "I love you, which is the only reason I'd ever do this. You asked it of me and I'd do anything for you, my love."

"I appreciate it," Neal said softly. "I'm sorry for asking for favors and for being inattentive to you once again. You've been nothing but helpful, Peter. You're right there to hold me when I wake up from a nightmare and you're there for Nicky when he needs you and now you're doing this for me." He shook his head and frowned. "I owe you so much more than I'm giving you."

The older man put a bit of distance between the two of them and stared into Neal's eyes. "You give me your heart every single day, Neal. You're so stressed out and you could easily pack up and leave me, especially when I cause problems between us. The fact that you're still here, standing with me, means a great deal to me."

Neal lowered his gaze to the dusty floor. "That isn't good enough, Peter. You deserve like a year of my servitude for all that I've asked of you and my inattentiveness. I'm really a terrible husband and I'm sorry."

"Wow. If I didn't love and respect you as much as I do, I think I honestly would have slapped you for saying all of that." Neal's brows furrowed as his frown deepened. "I will never treat you like a servant, Neal George. You're a wonderful husband, so stop telling yourself otherwise. I live with you and I love you, so I should know if you're wonderful or not, right?"

"Peter, I'm always so depressing and taking the spotlight. You barely talk about yourself unless I prod you enough."

The Marshals led Keller back into the room and Peter whispered, "We'll talk. I promise." He glared at Neal's ex-boyfriend and stepbrother. Matthew Keller was someone he could truly despise. He'd beaten Neal, emotionally abused him, sexually abused him, and lied directly to him. He could just imagine Neal's pain upon seeing Matthew walk into wherever they'd been living at the time with another man. Neal wanted monogamy. He never once thought about cheating on his partner no matter what the circumstances were nor did he want to have multiple partners at the same time. He truly sympathized for his husband because of all that he put himself through for being loyal and in love. "Let's see it."

Keller pulled his pant leg up to reveal the black anklet. "Happy, Burkey?" he asked petulantly as the Marshals handed Neal the key to the anklet's lock.

"Sure," Peter said firmly. He turned towards Neal and grabbed Neal's hand, intertwining their fingers immediately. He led the three of them out of the penitentiary and to the Taurus. He slammed the door on Keller once Keller was inside and Neal just stood beside the passenger door, biting his lip. "I'll calm down."

"Give me the keys, Peter."

"I'll—"

"Give me the keys, _Peter._" He held his hand out and Peter made a frustrated sound as he pulled his keys out of his pocket and placed them in his husband's hands. "Thank you," he whispered. He wanted a kiss from Peter, but he was afraid to even try for one. He went back to biting his lip. Within a few seconds, he averted his gaze from Peter's face and was going to head around to the driver's side, but Peter's hand on his shoulder stopped him. He glanced up at his husband and Peter leaned a bit, kissing him gently.

He hadn't been expecting Peter to kiss him, but it felt nice considering it was Peter who initiated it. He held Peter's hips while they kissed and it felt wonderful. He loved being kissed by Peter. "I love you so much, Neal," he whispered when they parted. "I'm in a pretty bad mood right now, but you don't deserve to be shot down because of it. You're so cute and I honestly can't help but kiss you when you bite your lip in that way that I love."

Neal chuckled quietly. "Glad I still have the ability to be cute when you're pissed at me."

Peter let Neal head over to the driver's seat and got into the passenger seat himself. He watched Neal get situated and put the key into the ignition. "Wow. When did you get your license, baby?"

Peter gripped the armrest tightly and Neal rested his hand on top of Peter's hand, squeezing his fingers gently as he backed out of the parking space. "I've had it for a couple years," Neal answered. He kept his hold on Peter's hand, rubbing Peter's skin with his thumb in the hopes of keeping him from unbuckling his seatbelt to turn around and strangle Keller in the backseat. "Peter taught me a lot better than you tried to," he added. "It also helped that Peter didn't _yell_ at me when he thought I was going to get us killed—not that I was ever close to doing so with either of you."

The older man glanced at his husband curiously. Keller laughed at his ex-boyfriend, commenting, "You thought you knew what you were doing and you really didn't."

Neal sighed as he shook his head. "I knew what I was doing. I just didn't do things the same way you did. I'm not a jackass. I actually look behind me to see if someone's coming up on my ass as I'm backing up." Peter turned his hand in Neal's, holding it. "All Peter really had to do was hone the skills I had."

"You always thought you were perfect," Keller muttered, looking out of the windows to watch traffic pass them by.

The younger man scoffed. "Right. Matthew, I'm anything but perfect. I am the furthest thing from perfect."

Keller chuckled. "Perfect sub in bed."

"Don't you dare reference what you did to my husband in bed. I'll count that as sexual harassment and I'll have Neal turn this damn car around right now to throw your ass behind bars again." Keller made a sound of laughter and shook his head. "While you're with Neal, you are _not_ to mention your previous sex life. If I find out—and he will tell me—then I won't hesitate to drag your ass right back to the penitentiary."

"Looks like I'm not the only one on a leash."

"Matthew, shut the hell up," Neal snapped. "You're going to piss him off and he isn't kidding when he says I'll turn the car around. I will turn this damn thing around and I'll let him manhandle you back into your cell."

The couple was surprised when Keller was suddenly very quiet.

•◊•

Neal dropped down onto the couch upon arriving at home. They'd dropped Keller off in a very shitty motel that would work with his work release payments, but Neal was mentally and emotionally taxed. Peter and Matthew argued as soon as Matthew complained about his living arrangements. Peter essentially gave him the big 'fuck you' and told him to cowboy up. All Neal wanted upon coming home was a way to relax that hopefully involved Peter. They'd come home late, so Mozzie already put Nicky and the twins to bed. The twins would definitely be up soon, but Neal figured they had some time to spend together beforehand.

Peter came in after gathering up his papers from the bureau. He immediately glanced at his husband before shutting the door. "Honey, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Neal said quietly, glancing up at Peter. Peter set his papers down on the coffee table and turned to face Neal, leaning over him. He kissed Neal tentatively, knowing he'd helped a little once Neal rested his hands on Peter's chest. He was surprised when Neal got a little anxious. He abruptly broke their kiss and leaned sideways while twisting to lay on his back, pulling Peter with him.

The older man gave his husband a curious look. His left foot was on the floor and his right leg was bent between Neal's. Neal had a firm, yet gentle, grip on Peter's tie and was staring up at him. "What is it?" Peter asked softly.

"I want to know what you think," he whispered. "Do you think we can make love again or should we wait a little longer?"

Peter's brows furrowed. "Honey, that all depends on you. If you're comfortable and all right, then I suppose we'd be fine. If the very thought of me being inside of you frightens you, then we should wait."

"I want to try. It's been too long," Neal whispered. "It's been almost five months since the last time we made love."

"If you're afraid for even a split second, you will tell me, Neal George. Promise me that."

Neal nodded. "I promise, Peter."

Peter backed up, tugging Neal up from the couch with him. The two made their way upstairs, hand in hand, and Neal locked the door behind them once they'd gotten into the bedroom. Peter waited until Neal made a move before even considering doing anything. He didn't want to initiate this if Neal were frightened to go through with it. Neal swallowed hard and smiled up at Peter as he unbuttoned Peter's shirt. His hands were trembling and Peter watched Neal's face. He saw determination in his husband's expression. Moments later, Neal was sliding Peter's suit jacket and shirt off simultaneously. He tossed both articles of clothing onto a chair in the corner of their room before setting to work on Peter's belt. The leather belt was easily pulled through the loops of Peter's dress pants and Neal tossed it to the floor, leaning forward to plant kisses on Peter's bare chest. "How're you doing?"

"I'm all right," Neal said softly. Peter heard a slight tremor in Neal's voice, but Neal gave him a look of sincerity. Peter carefully removed Neal's suit jacket. He slowly worked on removing Neal's dress shirt in case Neal wanted to suddenly pull it back on. Once it was off and Neal's chest was bared for him to see, he figured things would be okay to start off.

He caressed Neal's face, combing his fingers through Neal's hair. "I love you," he whispered, leaning forward to kiss his husband's soft lips.

"I love you, too," Neal replied, giving the older man a small smile.

Moments later, Neal was gently sucking at Peter's skin, tentatively licking him. Peter weaved his fingers in Neal's hair, hoping Neal was actually into this rather than feeling like he needed to do this. He was surprised when Neal suddenly dropped to his knees. At first, he wondered if Neal was having a panic attack and he was about ready to call this whole thing off and redress Neal to calm him down, but then Neal was unzipping his pants, sliding them down his legs. Peter watched as Neal undressed him and he made sure he was paying attention to how badly Neal was shaking, which didn't seem too bad.

Neal pulled Peter's shoes and socks off, gently urging Peter to step out of the pants. He took care of everything he'd removed and looked up at Peter before reaching for Peter's briefs. Peter rested his hand on Neal's, whispering, "Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable." He hoped Neal knew that meant Neal didn't have to give him a blowjob to start them off. He was aware of how horribly Neal had been gagged by Vincent and Craig—mostly Craig. Neal was afraid that he'd suffocate a few times during his time in captivity because Craig enjoyed teasing him that way. Peter didn't want to see Neal fall back into that and hurt himself in the process.

The younger man nodded and pulled Peter's briefs down, moving them once Peter stepped out of them. "I'll admit to you that I'm scared, but I want to do this," Neal said so quietly that Peter almost didn't hear him.

"Neal…"

"I'm going to be slow," Neal said sadly. "I'm doing this, but I need to take my time. I can't…can't do this as quickly as I did before. Is that okay?"

Peter slid his fingertips over Neal's cheekbone. "You do whatever you're comfortable doing. You control the pace and you tell me if you need to stop. I'm not judging you based on how well you perform, Neal. I've never done that to you and I'm not about to start now." Neal nodded, leaning into Peter's palm once Peter opened it. "I love you and I'm perfectly content with whatever you do as long as you're not forcing yourself to do this. If we don't finish, then we don't finish. I don't want to hurt you—emotionally or physically, my love."

"All right," Neal whispered. "If you can, can you make noises or say things so I can hear you?"

"Of course." He completely understood that Neal needed to be given reminders as to who he was with during all of this. He didn't know how Neal felt, but he knew Neal might believe he was back in that farmhouse with Vincent and Craig shoving themselves down his throat or shoving into him together. Peter's heart hurt just thinking about what they'd done to Neal, but he knew Neal was suffering so much more than he let on.

Neal tentatively leaned closer to Peter, licking the tip of Peter's cock. He glanced up at Peter to find the older man giving him a soft smile. Returning his focus to his husband's cock, he gripped Peter's hips and slowly took Peter into his mouth. He didn't move for a few moments as he listened to Peter tell him everything was okay and that he could stop at any point. After several seconds, Neal bobbed his head back and forth slowly, keeping his eyes on Peter's face. He needed to see Peter's smile.

Peter moaned quietly and Neal knew they were real moans of pleasure. He was stroking Neal's hair slowly, carding his fingers through the strands as though they were delicate. Peter loved touching Neal's hair, so he always treated Neal's hair like it was special—because it was to him.

Several minutes passed before Neal sat back. Peter's cock bounced, erecting itself against Peter's stomach. "Can you open me up for you?" Neal asked quietly, looking up at Peter warily.

"Always," Peter said as he helped Neal up from the floor. He kissed Neal passionately, rubbing his thumbs over the waistband of Neal's pants. "First things first," he murmured as he broke away. He slid Neal's belt off and tossed it down beside his own discarded belt, subsequently unbuttoning and unzipping Neal's pants. He kept his eyes on Neal as he slid down to his knees, dragging Neal's pants and lingerie down with his movements. Neal voluntarily toed his shoes off and stepped out of his pants. With his husband standing in front of him in all his glory, his breath was taken away. The only thing that hampered the spell his husband put upon him was that disgusting scar Craig forced into Neal's skin. His eyes didn't linger on the scar long. He wanted to make damn sure he helped Neal differentiate lovemaking and rape. Even if Neal were still haunted for years to come, Peter silently promised him that he would always show him what true love is. As Peter took Neal's socks off, he chuckled at the goofy smile Neal was giving him. "You're so cute."

Neal laughed lightly as Peter returned to his full height. "I know I criticize myself _all_ the time, but… I really like when you say things like that about me."

Peter took Neal by surprise, lifting him up a bit. Neal's legs were around Peter's waist and his arms were around Peter's neck. "I know you like when I kiss you against things," he whispered as he carefully placed Neal against the wall, kissing him slowly.

The younger man's hands traveled up to Peter's hair. He stroked Peter's hair lovingly as he quietly moaned into their kiss. He was still afraid of what was happening between them, but he knew he could trust Peter because Peter would never purposely inflict pain upon him. "I have since the very first night you spent with me," Neal whispered breathlessly, staring into Peter's eyes.

The older man smiled at Neal. He remembered lunging at Neal, kissing him heatedly. He'd eventually pressed Neal up against a wall and grinded against him until they both came, then they'd showered and gone to bed together. That was the night before Nicky's ninth birthday. Part of him thought it was kind of funny, reflecting on how Neal hadn't expected him to stay with him that night. Peter just knew when he'd looked at Neal that first night together that they were going to be together. Whether or not they stayed together, he wasn't sure. He hadn't realized in that exact moment that he'd been watching his future husband sleep peacefully beside him that night. "It's so…bizarre to go back four years ago and look at how our relationship started. You were that shy, little probie who dropped every single mug he'd filled and you were the incubus who stole my heart at that very moment."

Neal burst into a fit of laughter. "_Incubus?_" he said incredulously, laughing as he leaned forward against Peter. "That's definitely a new one. I like it."

Peter nuzzled his face against Neal's, chuckling with him. "I love you, Neal. I've loved you since the very first time I laid eyes on you."

"I'll admit that I was afraid to love you when I met you," Neal whispered, kissing Peter's nose. "You seemed so perfect and it felt too good to be true. Sometimes, I think it still is. I can't believe I won your heart, Peter, only because I know I wouldn't want to be with me if I were you."

"That, my love, is the difference between us," Peter murmured.

"I'd be with you if our positions were reversed," Neal added. "Honestly, I wouldn't care about your past once I got to know the loving man you are inside."

Peter raised an eyebrow. "Now why can't you believe me when I tell you that, you dork?"

"Stubborn," Neal muttered, smiling wryly at Peter. He was really nervous about all of this, so the little teasing remarks between them truly helped him relax.

The older man rolled his eyes, kissing his husband once again. "Are you doing all right so far?" Neal nodded, then asked Peter to take him to their bed. He carried Neal and set him down on the mattress gently, hovering over him to smile down at him. "My beautiful, beautiful man…" he whispered, leaning forward to capture Neal's lips passionately. Their eyes slid to a close as they gave themselves over to their sensations rather than their sights.

Neal held Peter's shoulders as they kissed. When they parted for breath, Neal opened his eyes to meet Peter's. "Make love to me," he whispered.

Peter was as gentle as he always was while opening Neal. He made sure he was extra gentle because he was afraid Neal would be frightened. And the moment Neal was ready for Peter, Peter hesitated. He hesitated until Neal gave him a small smile and kissed the corner of his mouth. He slid into his husband slowly, watching his expression. Neal's eyes closed and his lips parted.

There was a brief moment of silence and stillness. He let Neal adjust and was giving him the opportunity to change his mind if he needed to. "Neal?" he said softly, reaching up to stroke Neal's hair.

Neal panted for a moment and Peter was horrified by the thought that he was giving his husband a panic attack. "I'm ready," Neal said as he opened his eyes a bit. "I'm okay." He rubbed Peter's chest, tracing the scar. Peter gave him more time to relax, which was still an opening for Neal to change his mind. Peter would be just fine if Neal didn't want to do this. This was the first time he'd been inside of his husband in months and he'd honestly missed it, but he'd give it up if it meant Neal was okay. "All right," he whispered, arching up to kiss Peter's jaw. "I know where I am and I know who I'm with. You can move, love."

He wasn't sure if he should. He didn't see any distress in Neal's eyes, but Neal was getting better at deceiving him with his eyes lately. If he were terrified, he let it show. Neal gave him a very soft smile that touched his eyes and Peter arched towards him, kissing him lovingly as he slowly rocked back and forth. At first, Neal made a couple of pained sounds and Peter almost decided to stop entirely because he wasn't sure if Neal were really hurting or if he'd fallen back into his nightmares, but then Neal began to moan.

They broke away to breathe and Neal reached up to tangle his fingers in Peter's hair. "I love you, Neal," Peter said, pecking Neal's lips a few times.

"Peter," Neal whispered. He sounded desperate—or afraid. Peter wasn't sure how Neal felt, but he wished he did. "Oh, my God," he breathed. "I love you." He kept repeating that he loved Peter until Peter sped up a bit. He wanted to test Neal's limits to see what Neal wanted or didn't want right now. He was a bit surprised when Neal's legs bent at his sides, but that was good. Peter inferred that Neal wanted to be a little tighter or that Neal wanted to rub his skin against Peter's. Either way, it was good because Neal was making decisions. "Harder, please," Neal said breathlessly.

The older man didn't want to pound into Neal. He knew that was a terrible idea. "Baby…"

"Please," Neal begged.

Peter's eyes roamed over Neal's chest. He glistened with sweat and they were sliding against each other when Neal shifted himself to get closer. Hesitating seemed to bother Neal, so he acquiesced to an extent. He wasn't thrusting into Neal as hard as he'd thrust into him when they wanted to be a little rough. That was before Neal had been raped by both of those monsters. Now, Peter wasn't sure if Neal wanted to go back to that anytime soon. "You _will_ tell me to stop if you need to," he ordered as Neal gripped his shoulders, digging his fingernails into Peter's skin. Neal nodded, pleading for Peter to slam into him harder.

Neal's breathing accelerated, but he wasn't asking Peter to stop. Peter thought he probably should, but, in reality, Neal did want this. Peter doubted that Neal wanted to make love this way and it was bothering him. "Peter," he said fiercely, wrapping his arms around Peter's neck as he lurched forward. Peter's arm wrapped around him, holding him close, and he kissed Neal's neck. Neal moaned his husband's name repeatedly until he tensed and quietly cried out.

Peter felt Neal's come on his stomach and Neal was trembling against him. "I'll stop right—"

"No," Neal whispered shakily. "I want you to come inside of me."

The older man was slightly slower in his thrusts now. He was on the brink of coming and Neal was trying to keep himself tensed to help Peter. It didn't take very long before Peter filled Neal with his sticky warmth.

Peter lowered Neal until Neal was resting on the mattress, breathing heavily. He was going to pull out of Neal so he could clean them off, but Neal begged him to stay where he was. Part of him considered laying down on Neal because he was spent, but he didn't want to put Neal beneath him.

Flipping over to lay on his back, Peter pulled Neal on top of him, wrapping his arms around the younger man's torso. Neal looked so relaxed as he laid his head on Peter's shoulder and rubbed Peter's neck. "Was that okay?" Peter asked tentatively.

"More than okay," Neal breathed. "I wasn't sure if I could do it and I didn't want to disappoint you." Peter's lips parted as he stared at his husband. "I didn't want to disappoint myself. I've really wanted to be intimate with you—especially since you gave me _Neal's Net._ That meant so much to me, Peter Michael."

"I knew how dedicated you were to your idea, Neal. I wanted to encourage you."

Neal smiled, resting his palm on Peter's chest. "And you certainly did," he whispered. "You had all of the couches and cabinets ready for me and I didn't know that at first. When you showed me the inside… Peter, you're like a god."

"I just try to keep you happy, darling, and I'll never discourage you. You want to help children in need and I think that's very kind of you."

The younger man slid his fingers over Peter's skin slowly. "I love kids. Watching Nicky suffer kills me, so I can't imagine how many other children are out there in situations similar to what happened to us."

Peter stroked Neal's sweaty hair back, resting his other hand atop Neal's. "I love you so much and I've always said I'd do anything for you, Neal."

•◊•

Saturday morning, Neal and Nicky were at _Neal's Net_ to set a few things up. Neal bought paintings and other things to hang up on the walls that he thought might help relax the kids when they came in. They had a few hours to go yet, but Peter all but shoved Neal out of the house while wishing him good luck. "Dad, where do you want me to put the cookies?"

"Any of the cabinets, Nick. Just make sure you keep the cookies with the cookies and chips with the chips. It'll make things easier for the younger kids so they don't get lost trying to find something to eat."

Nicky was stocking up the cabinets for Neal and June was preparing paperwork for the parents bringing their children in. Neal raced around to make sure everything was perfect. He wanted enough room for the children in wheelchairs and made sure they'd have room to store their wheelchairs in the case that they wanted to get out of it and onto the couch.

He made sure the bathroom was equipped properly for the children in wheelchairs and felt like he desperately owed Peter because Peter personally installed bars in the bathroom to help the kids. He and Peter came in Friday night after dinner and worked on any issues they found that might hinder movements and such. They tested doorways to make sure wheelchairs could fit through and Neal found it fun because Peter pushed him around in the wheelchair they were using. It felt like they were racing around between doorways.

Nearly two hours later, Neal stood in the entranceway and examined the main room they'd all be gathered in. "It looks great, daddy," Nicky said as he hugged Neal.

Neal smiled down at him. "Thanks, baby." Nicky pulled him into the kitchen to show him how he'd organized the cabinets and Neal was impressed. "You were very thorough." Nicky sorted by foods like Neal wanted, but he'd also sorted by brands as well. "Great job, kiddo," he said as he ruffled Nicky's hair. Nicky giggled and took Neal's hand as they went back to the entrance to wait for the kids to show up.

The very first girl who showed up walked up the sidewalk nervously. Neal opened the door for her and gave her a soft smile. Nicky stood slightly behind his father with his arms around Neal's waist. "Here, my dear," June said politely as the mother came in. June guided her to the desk to have her fill paperwork out. It made sure the parents understood that Neal was volunteering to do this. He made it known that he refused to take money from anyone who came in and anything that was discussed in the building was confidential. All the parents had to do was sign that they understood Neal's involvement and the essential workings of what he wanted to do. Additional paperwork was about their kids. It was all pretty basic stuff. Neal just needed to have any allergies or special conditions on a file so he could make sure he accommodated anyone who needed something specific.

"I'm Kayli," the girl whispered as she stood behind her mother while staring up at Neal.

Neal kept smiling at her. "I'm Neal and this is my son, Nicky." She smiled a little and Neal motioned for her to follow him. "We've got some snacks back here if you ever want anything. Water bottles are in the small refrigerator in the corner."

She went into the cabinets and smiled wider when she saw small bags of chocolate chip cookies. "I love these," she said quietly as she reached in for it. "Mommy can't afford stuff that isn't healthy."

"You're always welcome to have some," Neal said softly. "I'll even let you take one home if you want." She looked thrilled by that and Neal was glad he'd thought about this.

This process repeated ten more times and he had thirteen kids altogether—one kid came in with his little brother and he had ten individual kids come in plus his son. He waited for everyone to finish getting snacks and water bottles before leading them all into the main room with the couches. "Dad," Nicky whispered, getting Neal's attention. "Did Trent say he was coming?"

"Not to this one, kiddo. He and his mom went to visit his grandma this weekend, but he'll be here throughout the week and next weekend." Nicky nodded and took a seat beside his father while the other kids sat down on the couches. Neal had a very small loveseat that he and Nicky fit onto, but he didn't want to make it his permanent seat. "Hi, everybody," he said softly. "My name's Neal."

"Like on the outside of the house," one of the kids said.

Neal chuckled and nodded. "Yep." He gestured at Nicky. "This is my son, Nicky. He's fourteen." He smiled at his son who looked really shy all of a sudden. "Do you guys feel like introducing yourselves?"

"I'm Tommy," one of the boys said. "I'm twelve."

The kids went around in a circle of introductions after that. Maria and Kayli are six, Nichole is seven, Annabelle and Adam are eight, Ted is nine and he's Adam's brother, Tony and Kristen are ten, Jessie and Phil are eleven, Tommy is twelve, and David is thirteen. Annabelle and Tommy were the two in wheelchairs that Peter mentioned. "How old are you, Mister Neal?" Maria asked in the cutest way Neal ever heard.

"I just turned thirty-seven in March." The younger kids—especially the girls—looked awed by him. Tommy and David, oldest second and third to Nicky, looked like they'd been forced to come. "All right, kiddos. Welcome to _Neal's Net._ This is somewhere you can go when you need help or when you need someone to talk to. I'd love it if you all treated each other like a family because I really want each of you to be able to rely on the other or go to each other. This is meant to be a safe place for all of you for a little while."

David crossed his arms over his chest. "Why did you call this place _Neal's Net?_"

Neal smiled a little at him. "Like I said, I want this to be a safe place for you. I kind of think of this place as a safety net. And my name is Neal. My husband thought the Ns at the beginning of the words were cute."

He watched Maria get up and walk over to him. He kept his eyes on her curiously. She grabbed his left hand and pointed at his ring. "What is this for?"

That wasn't a question he'd ever thought he'd hear from anyone five years or older, but he didn't let it show. "I'm married," he said with a smile. "My husband gave it to me as a promise that he'll always love me and want to be with me."

"My daddy didn't give mommy one of these."

He wasn't sure how to respond to that at first, but he smiled nonetheless. "Well, people can still love each other very much without rings. I didn't have one when I started dating my husband."

She nodded and played with his ring. "My daddy's never around. He only comes home to yell at mommy." This was the start to getting kids to open up to him. He wouldn't push them to talk unless they volunteered to do so. He understood that some people—kids included—need time before they can open up to someone they don't know very well. After all, he knew that firsthand because he hadn't mentioned that he'd been raped to Peter at first. "He hits me sometimes when I want him to get me a snack."

Neal's lips parted at that. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. She started tearing up and it pulled at his heartstrings. She leapt at him and didn't even hesitate to hug him and cry against him. "It's okay, Maria," he whispered, rubbing her back. He glanced at the doorway to see Maria's mother standing there with a sad smile on her face. She backed up a little bit later and rubbed her eyes. He brushed her hair out of her face and smiled at her when she looked at him again. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" he asked. She grinned at him and giggled even though she both looked and sounded miserable. "Has anyone ever called you a princess before?" She shook her head. "Well, you're a little princess, Maria. And you know what? If you come back tomorrow or anytime during the week, I'll have a little princess crown for you."

She looked so excited by that. "You mean it?" He nodded, loving how her green eyes lit up. "Oh, thank you, Mister Neal!"

"No problem, princess," he whispered when she hugged him again. He stroked her blonde hair slowly, smiling sadly as he thought about what she must be going through. He looked at her and wondered if his own daughter would grow up to look like this—or similar. He imagined his daughter in place of Maria and hoped to God he could save her and Joey from having to deal with all of his problems. By the time they were older, he was hoping he and Peter would have killed Vincent and Craig already. It was hard enough to try to calm Nicky down and tell him things were fine. He hadn't even been hurt and he was traumatized just by what was done to his father in his presence. Neal felt terrible for that, which is why he wanted to do his best to keep the twins from having to suffer. Exposing Peter and Nicky to this was enough.

He listened to all of the kids who felt comfortable talking. Only about five of them didn't feel like sharing and Nicky was one of them.

By the time their three hours were up, the kids were heading over to the cabinets to grab one last bag of snacks to take home with them. The parents came into the room to talk to him and they said very sweet things to him, telling him he should get paid because he was so kind and attentive to the children. Maria's mother gave him the most flattery. She even hugged him as she thanked him.

Nicky just watched his father interact with the parents and he wondered if Neal were pretending to be happy and excited. He himself felt depressed after listening to the stories the other kids told his father. They'd been abused or abandoned by the parents and there was one case of sexual abuse, but Neal was only slightly thankful to hear that it hadn't been as invasive as the sexual abuse he suffered. The child hadn't been raped like he was. He wasn't entirely sure what he'd do if he had to help a child who'd gone through the same thing he did.

After all of the parents and children left, Neal set to cleaning up the room. He didn't care that some of the kids left their garbage lying around. They came here with enough to worry about as it was and he believed the least he could do was throw their trash away. "You were amazing, daddy," Nicky said quietly. Neal smiled at him, shifting all of the garbage into one hand so he could ruffle Nicky's hair with the other.

"It meant a lot to me that you wanted to come to this, Nick."

"I'd do anything for you, daddy," he whispered. Neal froze and tensed instantly. He didn't like the underlying implication of his son's words. "After what you did for me…"

Neal shook his head and whispered, "You're my baby boy. I love you to death. Let's leave it at that for right now, okay?"

Nicky's eyes watered and Neal's lips parted when he saw that. He quickly set the garbage down on the nearest table and knelt in front of his son. "Listening to them tell you how cruel their parents were to them makes me so grateful to have _you_ as my dad. You let them hurt you really badly to keep me safe and I can't stop thinking about that."

Neal pulled Nicky close and hugged him tightly. "Hey. I'm just fine. Poppa saved us, Nick." He paused for a moment. "Actually, poppa saved us thanks to _you._ If you hadn't made that phone call to him, he never would have found us."

The teenager wrapped his arms around his father, shutting his eyes tightly. He kept crying a little longer and Neal only tried to relax him. He'd never snap at Nicky for crying, especially over this. Some of the children who talked during their three hours told him that things only got worse for them when they cried. Neal took everything they said to heart and he was sincerely proud of himself for being able to take care of Nicky the way he should. He wished he could do something for the other kids, but he had three kids of his own to care for.

"Thanks, daddy," Nicky whispered as he backed up to rub his eyes. Neal gave him a small smile and his heart skipped a beat when Nicky returned that smile. "When I come here with you, do I have to talk to the other kids about what happened to us?"

Neal shook his head. "You don't have to do anything if you don't want to, Nick. I wasn't very sociable when I started my group therapy a couple years ago, but I found a certain level of comfort in knowing that there are other people who have suffered or still are suffering." He rubbed his son's side gently. "That group feels like a family to me because we've all gotten to know each other and we know everyone's story. It took time for me to feel like that and, who knows? It may be the same for you. Whether you want to talk or not, that's your decision to make." He leaned forward and kissed his son's forehead. "You know you can always talk to me if you need to. I'll never force you to talk, baby. I know how it feels to want to shrink away from everybody. You can trust me, Nicky."

Nicky laughed a little. "You're the only person I've always trusted, daddy." Neal smiled softly, appreciating that. "Thank you. I'm alive for several reasons right now and they all have to do with you."

"I plan to keep you alive," Neal whispered. He pushed himself up and Nicky hugged him, closing his eyes as he pressed his face against Neal's chest. "I love you, baby boy." Nicky nuzzled his father's chest. His dad always felt so warm when he hugged him and Nicky loved that. He loves _Neal._ "All right," he said quietly, ruffling Nicky's hair again. "Let's finish up here so we can get home to the babies and poppa." Nicky nodded, backing up just enough to put distance between them, and took Neal's hand for only a moment before helping him clean up the trash. Every time he looked at Neal, he saw his lifelong hero.


	25. Chapter 25

"I'm sorry, Neal, but this is where it ends." Neal's expression was drawn in pain as he turned his face away and held his left side while gasping quietly. Keller gulled a pistol out of his suit jacket's pocket and immediately cocked it, aiming it at his helpless prey before him. Neal had nowhere to run. He was injured and he'd been backed into a corner. Before Peter could get inside, the gun went off.

Peter's eyes flew open as the gunshot echoed in his mind and he gasped loudly while his chest heaved. He was sweating and he was disoriented because he'd woken to pure darkness. In a panic, he twisted in the sheets until he could feel Neal's bare skin against his. The last thing he wanted to do was wake Neal out of a peaceful sleep, but he needed to talk to him. He pushed himself up onto his elbow and gently shook Neal's arm. "Neal, please wake up."

Neal groaned and turned over in his sleep, opening his eyes just enough to see Peter. "You okay?" he asked groggily. The older man reached over Neal and turned the lamp on. He didn't want to turn his lamp on because he didn't want to totally blind Neal. The first thing he did once the light illuminated Neal's beautiful face was kiss him fiercely. "Wow. I like being woken up that way," Neal whispered breathlessly with a smile.

"I love you," Peter said sincerely, "with all of my heart and soul, Neal."

Neal looked his husband over now that his vision was clearer and his brows furrowed. "You're sweating and breathing heavily." He met Peter's eyes. "You're afraid." He pushed himself up a bit to wake himself up a little more so he could listen to Peter. Obviously something was wrong if Peter woke him up. "What is it?"

"I had a horrible nightmare," Peter whispered. Neal looked concerned and Peter just pressed his hand against Neal's chest to feel his beating heart. "I have no idea where this came from," he started. After a moment, he shook his head. "No, I know where it came from. This bullshit with Keller is getting to me."

"What does that ass have to do with this? If he did or said something to you when I wasn't around, I—"

"I saw him kill you," Peter admitted brokenly, immediately stunning the younger man into silence. "I don't know why. You were bleeding and he had you at gunpoint. He just…shot you. He killed you in cold-blood."

Neal shook his head and rested his hand over Peter's hand that was on his chest. "That _won't_ happen, Peter. I promise he won't kill me. I've survived too much to have that bastard kill me with a God damn bullet." Peter paled at that and Neal bit his lip, toning it down a bit. "I know you're watching him like a hawk, so I'm not worried."

Peter looked doubtful of himself and Neal noted that. Neal gave his husband a small smile, leaning closer to kiss him. As Neal was moving to pull away, he was surprised when Peter shoved him down onto his back and started kissing him passionately. He caressed Neal's jaw with his left hand and took Neal's left hand in his right. He intertwined their fingers and pinned Neal's hand up at shoulder level as he continued to kiss the younger man. Neal had no complaints, but he knew desperation and fear very well and recognized that in the way Peter was kissing him.

Part of Neal was only _slightly_ afraid that Peter would take advantage of the situation. The majority of his mind knew Peter would _never_ take advantage of him regardless of feelings or situations. He felt completely powerless beneath his husband, but he was all right with this instance of feeling powerless. If he wanted, he could easily have Peter back off.

Their kiss became a very heated one as Peter shifted, straddling his husband. Neal wasn't used to him doing that unless he was giving Peter a blowjob. Even then, that was a very rare position for Peter. Peter was completely passionate as he squeezed Neal's hand and eventually broke away from him so they could breathe. Neal opened his eyes to see tears in Peter's. "I don't want to lose you," he said, sounding like he was in physical pain. "I feel so empty without you here and I don't think I could live without you in my life."

Neal reached up to gently wipe Peter's tears away. "Everything is going to be okay, Peter. I'm not going to let my guard down around him," he promised. "I can't leave you or our babies. I love all four of you so much. I _swear_ I'll be careful."

Peter was trying to convince himself that Neal would be all right, but he had no idea. A man who should've been like a father to Neal had been anything but a father, that man's monster of a 'friend' preyed on a very young Neal and damaged him almost irreparably, and Neal's very first love abused and betrayed him. Nobody in Neal's past was trustworthy as far as Peter was concerned. Vincent and Craig targeted Neal more than once and Peter would be damned if he let Keller do the same thing. Neal hadn't been able to hide his initial conversation with Keller from Peter. He felt terrible and admitted that Keller wanted to have sex with him as part of the deal Neal was trying to make. Peter had been furious until Neal swore to him that sex was involved in no way whatsoever. Because of Neal's confession, Peter had all the more reason to be wary around Neal's ex-boyfriend. He tried to consider Keller one of Neal's past boyfriends only because it was disturbing to think of Keller as Neal's stepbrother who'd screwed him figuratively and literally.

"I hope you know that I'm not letting you out of my sight for even a second," Peter whispered fiercely.

Neal nodded. "I do know that. I know my husband and I know he loves me enough to want to keep me all to himself, which means a lot to me."

•◊•

Neal stared up at Peter's office, watching Peter argue with Keller. It pissed him off that Peter sent him out of the room, but he didn't want to redirect Peter's rage at himself. Now that he thought about it, it might've been better to do that. "How long have they been in there?"

He glanced up at Diana and frowned. "At least twenty minutes. I'm debating on whether or not I should get in there and separate them."

"Do you know what they're fighting about?"

Neal lowered his gaze to the floor. "Me, unfortunately." Diana gave him a sympathetic look even though he wasn't glancing at her anymore. "Peter was actually being pretty civil while we discussed potential safe house locations for Adler and Laird until Keller had to snap at me and call me a—and I quote—'disgusting whore full of diseases.'" Her lips parted when he finally looked at her again. "Somehow, those two knew what they gave me and they obviously told Keller. He started making very unnecessary, crude comments and Peter just flipped shit. I asked him to calm down and he pretty much told me to get the hell out."

She looked surprised. "He said that to you?" Neal nodded slowly, looking up at his husband's office again. Peter was pacing as he unleashed his rage on Keller. Keller was sitting down while enjoying that he'd gotten a rise out of Peter. "He's got a very big overprotective-jealousy complex with the additional 'my dick is bigger than yours' thing."

"Um, I hope to God that they aren't comparing that," he said, embarrassed. "Peter's jealous and he makes it known that I'm his. I don't think it's a matter of who's big and who's not. Peter just wants Keller to go to hell."

Diana decided to tease Neal a bit in an attempt to lighten his solemn mood. "Which one is bigger?"

Neal gave her a wry smile. "I'm being completely honest when I say Peter. Matthew barely has half of what Peter does, which is why sex with Peter is so much better."

She chuckled. "Elizabeth and I occasionally tease each other about how your sex must be. She really liked—"

"God. Please spare me of this," he pleaded. "El and I have talked a little bit about our sex with Peter, but not in depth and I'd prefer if it stayed that way. What she and Peter did together isn't the same as what Peter and I do together." She was going to make a comment that would have embarrassed the hell out of Neal, but the door to Peter's office flew open in that moment. Neal saw where her eyes traveled and glanced in that direction once again as Peter did the finger-point at him, beckoning him back to the room. In that moment, he couldn't determine if that was a good or bad thing. He excused himself and headed up to the office. Peter didn't move out of the doorway when he'd gotten there. "Peter?"

"I need you to stop me," Peter said angrily. "I want to murder him, but that would be really wrong of me. The temptation is too fucking much for me right now."

Neal nodded, his eyes widening a bit. "Tell me what I can do."

Peter pulled his gun out of his harness beneath his suit jacket and held it out for Neal. "If you have this, the chances of killing him are lower."

The younger man took the gun and gasped. "Holy shit, Peter. The God damn safety isn't on," he said as he readjusted the gun. Peter's eyes widened as he stared at his husband. He hadn't realized that the safety was off and he'd given it to his husband. Without intending for it to happen, he could have killed Neal. "Jesus. It's a damn good thing you aren't keeping this."

"I am so sorry," he whispered slowly.

Neal sighed heavily. "All right. Tell me what I can do about Keller. I don't want you to get into trouble or kill anyone." He rested his hand on Peter's chest and gave him a sad smile. "I can't do this on my own."

"Shove a God damn brick down his throat." Neal swallowed hard, his eyes never leaving his husband's. "I'm two seconds away from throwing him through the window for the Marshals."

Neal gently pushed Peter back and stepped into the office. Peter shut the door and his hand rested on Neal's back. "Awe. Calling your little bitch, Burkey?"

Peter was surprised when Neal surged forward and grabbed the collar of Keller's shirt. "Knock this bullshit off, Matthew. You're out of prison with a two mile radius. The least you could do is pretend you're grateful." Keller did the very last thing that could set Peter off—he grabbed Neal's ass. Neal was quick to force Keller's hand away and he turned towards Peter as Peter barreled towards them. He was going to beat the living hell out of Keller for _touching_ his husband. "Peter, no!"

As Peter was about to throw the punch at Keller, Neal got in the way. He'd taken a rough one to his left cheekbone and dropped to his knees. He knew he'd get hit. That was the least of his worries. Hitting Keller might've ended Peter's career or at least suspended him and Neal didn't want that. "Neal, why the hell did you protect him?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm protecting you, Peter," he whispered.

"Speak up, God damn it."

Neal glared. "I'm protecting you! This is the same damn thing as what Nicky did at school with that kid. Look at you, Peter." He rubbed his cheekbone as he pushed himself up and got back on his feet. "He got suspended for hitting the other kid. What the hell is the difference between him hitting that kid and you hitting this stupid son of a bitch? Is it really worth losing your _job?_" Peter listened to what Neal said and heard how desperate Neal sounded. He wasn't sure how to answer Neal. If he said it was worth losing his job, Neal would be pissed off and he'd go down the 'I am not worth this' route. On the other hand, if he told Neal it wasn't worth losing his job, he wondered if Neal would feel like he wasn't adequate or important enough. "Keller, get out," Neal snapped as he breathed heavily.

Keller didn't hesitate to get up and leave. He shut the door behind him and Peter immediately said, "Neal, I'm sorry."

"Sure. All right."

"What can I do to prove that I'm sorry?" he asked, stepping closer to Neal.

Neal gave sighed in frustration. "Nothing, Peter." Peter tried to move Neal's hand away from Neal's cheek, but Neal backed up. "You always boss me around when things go to hell. This time, I'm gonna make a demand. You _will_ sit your ass down and do whatever the hell you need to do." Peter was frowning as he let his husband speak. "You are not to leave this God damn office unless you need to go to the restroom or get some coffee because you're working hard. _I_ am taking Keller out to do some recon."

"No," Peter said fiercely. "You are not—"

Neal threw his hand out and interjected, "I am thirty-seven years old, Peter Michael. You're only about four years older than me. You are _not_ my father, so stop treating _me_ like a _kid._" Peter tried to say something and Neal shushed him. "Conversation is done. You're going to listen to me and do as I asked or you're sleeping alone for the unforeseeable future." Peter's lips parted. That was one threat Neal would certainly go through with. It would hurt them both, but it would hurt Neal more if Peter didn't listen to him when he was trying to protect the overly jealous and defensive man.

"All right," Peter acquiesced. Neal nodded and started for the door, but Peter stood in his way. "Neal, I'm sorry," he whispered, pleading with his eyes.

"It's fine as long as you listen," Neal said quietly. "I am not worth the trouble here, Peter. I'm getting tired of all of this. Nick gets into trouble at school because things are said about me. You're going to get yourself into trouble if you keep letting him taunt you. _You_ are letting him bait you, Peter Michael, and I know you're smarter than this. You know when someone's fucking with you."

"I'm acting this way only because I love you and I can't stand hearing such negative things—"

"If you truly love me, please do what I've asked. I'll call you if we find anything." Peter nodded slowly, resting his hands on Neal's hips. Neal finally lowered his hand and Peter glanced at his cheekbone. It was definitely going to bruise and he hated himself for that. "Peter, it's not like you purposely aimed to hit me. Stop beating yourself up."

Peter frowned and slid his arms around Neal's waist, pulling the younger man closer for a tight hug. "I love you, my Neal," he whispered in Neal's ear. Neal smiled a little. "I know." He rubbed Peter's back until they mutually parted. "I'll be careful. If I need help, you know you're the first person I'll call."

He let Neal leave with Keller. He couldn't take his eyes off of his husband until he'd stepped into the elevator and then his heart began to hurt. Every time Neal wasn't with him, he had this horrible fear that something would happen. Neal had been taken from him twice already and he wasn't entirely sure if Keller would keep Neal alive if he decided to take a shot at kidnapping him, too.

Diana came up to Peter's office and she gave him a simple look, to which he responded with a nod.

•◊•

Neal ignored Keller as he drove into Brooklyn. Keller was trying to bait him as well by making comments about how fired up Peter had been and he was implying that Peter would enjoy abusing Neal after that hit in the office. Neal knew better than to believe that. "I have a gun," Neal commented as he stopped at a red light. "So it would be in your best interest to shut up."

"I'm surprised your watchdog let you out of the pound." Neal's jaw clenched as he focused on the light and traffic. "He's always behind you, taking you doggie style," Keller said as he laughed.

"Peter loves dogs, but he's not a fan of doggie style and he knows I'm certainly not a fan either."

"Never stopped me when we were together," Keller said, reaching over to touch Neal's hand. Neal pulled away instantly. "Tell me. Does your husband ever take you from behind? I find that position to be the most…invasive. All of my partners loved when I took them that way."

Neal was trying to stay calm. The last thing he needed was for Keller to really piss him off, which would more than likely make him swerve and get them both killed. "Great. I'm so proud of you for being unable to look your partners in the eyes when you fuck them. Really intimate there, Matthew."

"You're afraid to take it from behind, aren't you? Especially after Craig spent quality time with you a couple years ago. He showed me videos."

The younger man's heart leapt up into his throat and his eyes watered against his will. He felt like a fool for going out with Keller without Peter. "I'm not going to talk about how I was raped and I certainly won't tell you how I felt or how I'm feeling lately. My personal life is none of your business."

"I think it is," Keller said wistfully.

He saw the first safe house they were going to look at and he pulled over. As he glanced at his rearview mirror, he saw a sleek, black car that had been trailing him since shortly before he'd crossed over from Manhattan into Brooklyn.

Leave it to Peter to find a loophole…

•◊•

Peter looked up when he heard the door open. He'd been pleading with whatever God existed that Neal was all right. He hadn't gotten any calls or text messages throughout the evening and it scared the hell out of him. "Angel," he breathed, standing immediately. When Neal turned to look at him, Peter was surprised. Neal looked like hell. The bruise on Neal's cheek was Peter's fault, but Neal looked like he'd been roughed up a bit. "Dear God. What happened to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Neal whispered. "Where are the kids?"

"Nicky was getting ready for you to take him to _Neal's Net._ He's upstairs with the twins." Peter shook his head, darting over to Neal to rest his hands on the younger man's shoulders. "Are you okay?" Neal nodded silently. Peter was looking at Neal's face for signs of distress or something that might help him understand what happened. "Did he…?"

Neal shook his head. "Vincent had a few men in the safe house we found. I had two of them on me." Peter immediately worried about his husband. "Nothing sexual happened. They just roughed me up a little. It's nothing major." He tentatively leaned closer to peck Peter's lips, whispering, "I'm gonna get ready to head over. I promised the kids I'd be there because they wanted to talk about some stuff."

Peter watched Neal limp towards the stairs. His brows furrowed up until Neal collapsed on the stairs, making pained sounds. "Neal!" Peter darted over to him and pulled him close, holding him. He moved Neal's suit jacket aside and saw that Neal had what looked like two stab wounds in his right side. "Nicky, call nine-one-one!"

Two hours later, Neal stirred in a hospital bed. He woke up to his husband and son's voices. "June was okay with taking over tonight?"

"Yeah," Peter said quietly. "I don't think dad's going to be able to go in for a couple nights, so June may have to do it a little longer." Nicky nodded, leaning against Peter. He'd slipped his hand into both of Peter's earlier and cried against him. "Are you okay, Nicky?"

Nicky sniffled a bit and Neal forced his eyes to open. He glanced over at them and blearily saw Peter looking at their son with concern coloring his expression. Nicky was crying again. "Why does this keep happening to dad? He always gets hurt."

"Dad will be just fine," Peter reassured him. "He lost a bit of blood and got light-headed. He wasn't dying." Peter had to make sure he clarified that bit of information. "All the moving around dad did afterwards is what hurt him."

Peter hushed Nicky when Nicky's crying got a little louder. He kissed Nicky's hair and whispered that Neal would be completely fine. "I'm sorry," Neal whispered. Peter's attention flew over to his husband's voice and Nicky sat up straighter with tears in his eyes.

The older man got up, with Nicky trailing behind him, and walked over to Neal's bedside. "I'm glad you're okay," he said breathlessly, stroking Neal's hair.

"Am I able to go home with you?"

"I'll ask the doctor. You aren't as white as a ghost anymore, the bleeding stopped, and your heart rate is normal again."

Neal gave him a small smile. "Look at you being all doctor-like." Peter returned the smile and leaned over to kiss Neal's forehead and then Neal's lips. Neal reached up to stroke Peter's jaw. "I'm sorry for scaring you—both of you." He glanced around Peter to see his son. "You okay, baby boy?"

Nicky nodded. "If you are."

Peter gently urged Nicky to step closer to the medical bed. "I'll go find the doctor and ask if you can be released."

Both Neal and Nicky watched Peter leave and then Nicky turned back to his father. "I'm glad you're okay, too, dad." Neal chuckled quietly. "Can you tell me what happened? I know you got stabbed, but I'm wondering how."

"Dad tried roundhouse-kicking the bad guys and didn't realize they were loaded with knives." Nicky stared at his father in horror. "I'm all right though, Nick." He saw his son eyeing the mattress and he forced himself to scoot over. "Come on up," he whispered. Nicky did without needing to be told twice. He curled up to Neal, resting his head on Neal's shoulder and his hand on Neal's chest. "I'm sorry that I wasn't as careful as I promised poppa I would be."

"You're still alive," Nicky said as he rubbed his eyes. "I forgive you, but be careful next time, daddy."

Peter came back a few minutes later with discharge papers. "Are you able to get out of bed?" he asked. Nicky slid off and Peter moved to take his place at Neal's bedside in case Neal felt faint. Neal pushed himself up and turned, swaying a bit. "Honey, I can go get a wheelchair and take you out to the car if you want."

Neal shook his head and that did nothing to help the existing dizziness. "If I can't walk to the car, how am I going to be able to get to bed with you tonight?" The older man warily watched his husband move around. He'd leap to catch Neal without having to think about it, but all Neal let him do was hold his hand.

The moment they reached the car, Neal was sweating. "Honey?" Nicky waited behind them to make sure his dad was okay before he got into the car. Peter started wiping Neal's sweat from his face and neck, his brows drawing together in concern. "Neal, are you—?"

"Yeah. I'm good," he whispered. He pulled the door open and struggled to get into the car, but he did get in on his own. Nicky got into the back and Peter went around to the driver's seat. As soon as he was in and buckled, he glanced over at his husband. Neal was panting heavily, sweating just as profusely. He started the car and started driving before taking Neal's hand in his. Neal, much to his delight, intertwined their fingers and squeezed Peter's hand.

Upon walking through their door at home, Neal felt instantly relieved. He wasn't in a hospital setting again and hoped to God he didn't have to be in one ever again. He was really starting to hate hospitals. He hated lying in the beds, feeling weak and useless, and he didn't like the idea of being in the hospital for any of his loved ones. It felt like his world was crashing down on him when he'd spent quite a while in waiting rooms after Peter had been shot. Seeing his husband alive and well was wonderful, but it was the waiting that nearly destroyed him. He couldn't bear that and imagined that Peter probably hated hospitals more than he did because _he_ was the one who spent so much time waiting to hear about Neal's condition.

It took him a few moments longer to get upstairs, but Peter was at his side the whole time. "Mon frère," Mozzie breathed when Neal reached the top of the stairway. "It's good to see you looking like part of the living once more."

Neal gave him a wry smile. "I don't die very easily," he said quietly. Peter rubbed Neal's back slowly. "Thanks for coming over, Moz. It means a lot to have you watch the twins at pretty much any time."

"Hey. You let Nicky call me _Uncle Mozzie._ The least I could do is watch your children." Neal gave his friend a genuine smile. Mozzie always had his back when he really needed someone. Neither Neal nor Mozzie ever considered children as a factor in their friendship when they'd met, but the two of them welcomed Nicky into their very small family.

"You're my big brother," Neal whispered. "If anyone deserves the Uncle title, it's you, Moz." He wasn't saying that to exclude his half-brother. Mozzie was there for him through a lot, including times when Neal really needed him to watch Nicky.

Mozzie stepped forward and hugged Neal gently. "Get some sleep, Neal. You'll feel a hell of a lot better by morning."

Neal nodded, glancing up at Peter. "I suppose that's our cue then, baby." Peter gave Mozzie a hug after thanking him for watching the babies and then Mozzie was out the door and on his way home. Peter and Neal made their way into the bedroom and Neal didn't even bother to undress, which was totally fine in Peter's opinion. Neal laid on his back and rubbed where the doctors bandaged him. "Don't touch it, hon." He gently touched Neal's knuckles and Neal moved his hand away from the wounds like Peter wanted him to. "Does it hurt?"

"Not as bad as it did when they stabbed me." He glanced up at Peter, seeing pain in his husband's eyes. "Believe me when I say I've had worse. During my worst, I blacked out repeatedly. This was nothing."

"That really doesn't make me feel any better," Peter whispered. "Where the hell was Keller in all of this?" Neal bit his lip and Peter sat up straighter. He repeated a bit firmer, "Where the _hell_ was Keller in all of this?"

"He…took off."

Peter incredulously cried, "That son of a bitch left you there _alone?_ Oh, that mother fucking—"

Neal breathed shakily. "Peter, don't. I checked when I got back to the car and his anklet is still on and functioning."

He was immediately terrified when Peter twisted away from him and leapt off of the bed. He'd seen Peter enraged before and this was another one of those moments. "I am _so_ fed up with all of this _bullshit._" Neal's eyes watered. He thought Peter was talking about _him._ "All these bastards know how to do is cause suffering and pain. Your stepfather is a cruel, disgusting son of a bitch. That asshole, Craig, is an absolute animal that needs to be put down. And now Keller—Keller is a God damn coward." He turned back to Neal, looking him over critically in search of other wounds or scrapes Neal might have. "You could have died and Keller wouldn't have given a single fuck about you and that _really_ pisses me off."

"Peter, relax," Neal pleaded. The older man turned away from Neal and was going into a blind rage over this. He started ranting about how Neal was so mistreated by everyone in his life and told Neal that Neal deserved so much more than Peter had to offer him. Neal got up from the bed despite the slight discomfort he felt. "Peter." He tried to reach out for Peter, but Peter spun and grabbed him roughly. Neal's eyes widened as Peter forced him onto the bed. "Peter, stop!" When he saw the look in Peter's eyes, he knew Peter was seeing someone entirely different, so he had to be quick if he didn't want Peter to maul him. "Peter, it's Neal! Snap out of this, please! _Peter, please!_" Just before the first blow had a chance to connect with Neal's face, Peter froze. Neal's hands were thrown up as an act of defense and he was trembling. He couldn't open his eyes and watch Peter beat him. He'd done it once, but that was different.

When the older man backed off, Neal opened his eyes. Peter backed himself up against his dresser, covering his mouth in horror upon realizing what he'd almost done. Neal's chest was heaving as he sat up and stared at Peter. "Neal…"

He saw the fight-or-flight kick in and tried to move quickly as soon as Peter made a move towards the door. "Please, don't run!" he begged. "Peter!" Peter stopped when Neal cried out and fell to the floor with his hand on his side. He immediately went to his husband's side and tried his best to ease the pain. "Peter," he whispered breathlessly. "Please, don't run from me."

Peter looked at the bruise on Neal's cheek and frowned. "I could have hurt you so much," he whispered solemnly. "I was so pissed off and I might have beaten you if you hadn't begged me to stop."

"You _didn't_ hit me. I'm fine."

"I shoved you onto the bed against your will, Neal!" The younger man flinched at how brutal Peter's voice sounded. "I may not have hit you and that's all great and fine. It's not the physical damage that concerns me, damn it." He knelt beside Neal on the floor and tapped Neal's temple. "I'm concerned about what goes on in here. Neal, you're a rape victim and traumatized beyond my comprehension. You do _not_ need _me_ attempting to assault you. I'm mentally and emotionally abusing you. I can't do that to you anymore. My temper is too damn much for you."

Neal's anger flared. It was partially Peter's fault. No, it was pretty much Peter's fault. Peter woke the babies by raising his voice. "You know what? Fine. You stay here and mope all night." Hurt flickered across Peter's expression. "I have kids I need to put back to sleep. Get in bed. I'll get the twins and then I'm sleeping in the guestroom." Peter stood when Neal did and he tried to keep Neal from leaving the room. "Peter, you must be deaf or something. The twins are awake. I'm telling you to go to bed so I can go take care of them."

"They're my babies, too," Peter whispered. Neal turned on his heels and walked out of the bedroom. He could hear Peter following him for a few moments before Peter's route changed and he headed downstairs. Neal closed his eyes as he made his way down the hallway and pushed the babies' door open.

Neal picked Brie up since Joey seemed to occupy himself with his binky. He held her in his arms and whispered, "Poppa's getting your bottle, Brie." She quieted down when she gripped his thumb in her tiny hand. The little things like this were what touched his heart the most. He loved children and they were all beautiful babies. Brie, Joey, and Nicky were no exception to that. He loved his son with all of his heart from day one and he loves his twins just as much now.

Peter came in and rested his hand on Neal's lower back, glancing at him as soon as Neal looked up at him. He handed the bottle to Neal and waited until Neal started feeding their daughter. As soon as Neal looked relaxed, he pressed a gentle kiss against Neal's temple. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I love you so much, Neal. I hate arguing or fighting with you and I know this was my fault. If I'd just… If I listened to you and calmed down, I never would have come close to doing one of two things I swore I'd never do to you."

The younger man stared into his husband's eyes for a long moment. "It's fine. If you'd hit me, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. You stopped yourself and I'm grateful for that."

Neal was a little surprised when Peter didn't look satisfied with his comment. "Neal, I love you. I don't want to lose you and, lately, I've been doing a lot of stupid things to push you further and further away from me." He kissed Neal's temple again, pressing his forehead against Neal's head moments later. "I found myself stuck in a world where those…monsters lived on after taking your life." Neal shivered, nodding slowly. "It wasn't fair. They don't deserve to live. You do, Neal. I saw them and their smiles just pissed me off. I refuse to let anyone who's ever hurt you get away."

"Peter," Neal said softly. "We're all right. I'm not leaving you—not by an unexpected death or any other logical reason." He tilted his face up a bit and Peter leaned closer, kissing his husband. He really loved Neal for giving him chance upon chance after hurting Neal emotionally. Neal chased Peter's lips for several, short kisses. The moment they parted for breath, Neal added, "I love you too much to consider a life without you in it. I've told you many times that we'll piss each other off on occasion and that's how relationships work, Peter. It isn't always going to be perfect and I'm not looking for perfection. I tried to find a perfect relationship before and look where that got me."

"What do you mean?"

Neal gave him a sad smile. "I went through at least four real relationships and several one nightstands with men I was too drunk to recognize as well as Kate before I met you. Looking for perfection got me _nowhere._ I stopped looking and then you came into my life." He leaned closer to Peter. "I thought you were going to yell at me when you came down to help me clean up the mess I made in the break area. I was attracted to you in that moment—same as you were attracted to me."

"Love at first sight," Peter said quietly.

The younger man nodded, glancing down at his daughter as the bottle emptied slowly. "The moment I stopped looking for perfection, I found it," he whispered. "I found the perfect man for me and my son. I found the one man I wanted to settle down and raise a family with. Before you, I never wanted to get married or have more than just Nicky and Mozzie." He turned a bit and kissed Peter's jaw, breathing shakily. "You've always been here for me and you've always made me feel like I belong with you. There have been and will be moments when I feel like I need to leave, but you just know how to pull me right back to you. You're the light that I, as a moth, am drawn to. No matter how hard I want or try to resist, I just need that light." A single tear slid down the left side of his face. "No matter how hard things get between us, there's no one I want to be with more than you. I could never find another man like you. Even if you tell me I could, I don't want to find someone else because you're the only Peter Burke for me. You're the only man I've ever loved this much and I continue to love you more and more each day."

Peter nodded, seeing that Neal was getting a bit emotional. He understood, so he held his arms out for Brie. Neal slid her into his arms and rubbed his eye, watching Peter put their daughter back into her crib. "I'm not ignoring anything you just said. Quick question: what are we doing about Joey?"

"He'll probably get up soon. I'll just stay up and wait."

Peter held his hand out towards Neal. "Will you come to bed with me?" Neal nodded, taking Peter's hand. As soon as they were in their bedroom, both men removed their shirts and sat in the middle of the mattress. "Honey, I'm really sorry for all of the stupid things I've been doing. I'm really sorry for hurting you and for seemingly pushing you away. I don't want to hurt _us_ anymore."

"Our biggest problem right now is me," Neal whispered. "My past is hurting us and all I want right now is for all of this to end. I'm going to push Keller—"

"—with my help this time."

Neal nodded slowly. "With your help, we'll get Keller to give us the answers we're looking for and then we will take Craig and Vincent down together."

Peter agreed with that. "As long as you let me fight alongside you, you know I've got your back." And his father would have their backs as well. Peter suggested that Jon wasn't far away from them if they ever needed him and Neal brushed it off because he assumed Jon and Hannah went home. He didn't know that Jon was waiting for the call from Peter to tell him the game is on. Jon, as much as Peter, wants at the very _least_ Craig's body six feet under. Vincent wasn't as horrible as Craig was. Vincent could threaten Neal, but Peter didn't think he'd ever abuse Neal the way Craig did. That wasn't his way of letting Adler off the hook. If he caught them together, they'd die together. He just wanted to make damn sure he took Craig out regardless.

Neal leaned against Peter and closed his eyes, breathing slowly. He loved his husband for always being there for him. He never doubted Peter's ability to protect him. It was just a matter of whether or not Neal allowed him to carry out that protection. "We're partners in every sense of the word, Peter," he whispered. "I'll always want to be at your side no matter what."


	26. Chapter 26

Peter looked up from his computer screen when Neal knocked on his door. "Hey, hon. What's up?"

Neal held up a folder. "Can I show this to you?" The older man nodded and waved Neal in. Neal shut the door before crossing the room. He didn't take the seat in front of Peter's desk. He went around and stood beside his husband, setting the folder down. Peter read over it when Neal opened it. "This is an eyewitness report, Peter," Neal said as a summary. "They have proof that Keller killed Ellen."

Ellen's been dead for a few months, so Peter was surprised that Neal still looked into this from time to time. He figured it shouldn't be much of a surprise considering _she_ was the woman who'd raised Neal and tried to protect him. Even when he was thirty-some years old, she still had the instinct to protect him. "They have a recording," Peter said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm curious though. Why wasn't this provided initially? It's been months."

"The family residing there hasn't been in that house for months. They have the perfect security system for their long vacations and they went to look over their recordings. As soon as they found this, they looked Ellen up in the news, then they made a call to me." Peter gave him a confused look, wondering why Neal had been called specifically rather than through the FBI. "I'm her next of kin, Peter. She put my name into a lot of important documents and referred to me as her son, so… They called me."

Peter nodded. "All right. We can easily convict Keller for murder with this." He gave his husband a wary look. "Though I'm absolutely in love with the idea of putting him behind bars again, this conflicts with why we released him into our custody. He's 'helping' us track down Adler and Laird. If this happened months ago, can we send him back once he's finished what we needed him for?"

"I think so," Neal said quietly. "It wasn't proven that it was him to begin with. All we had as evidence was a bunch of hearsay. This is hard proof."

"All right. So, we need to get our asses in gear if we want to get those two monsters and lock Keller up simultaneously?" Neal nodded and Peter lifted his hand to rest it on Neal's lower back. "Keller's supposed to be here in half an hour. As soon as he gets here, we'll force him to give us answers."

Neal closed the folder and leaned closer to kiss Peter's temple. "He knows where they are. I feel like he's tipping them off in some way, which is probably why Adler was nowhere to be found when we went to that safe house a week ago. You already burned one of them when you were looking for me, so that's two of their known safe houses down."

The two discussed how they were going to force this out of Keller. "He won't turn easily. We need to give him motivation to flip." Neal had the folder in his lap now and was sitting on the edge of Peter's desk. He held up the folder and waved it around a bit. "I think that's a good idea, but… Are we going to tell him we're throwing him back behind bars for what he did?"

"That can be left open-ended. I don't plan on telling him. I do plan on watching you cuff him and drag his ass to prison though because I know you really want to."

Peter nodded slowly. "Well, we could hang out by your desk and pretend we're still pretty clueless. He doesn't know that we know it was him and that we have proof. We could just allude to the fact that we're looking into it again."

They decided to go with that. Neal was sitting in his chair at his desk, pulling up past case files he and Peter solved that would coincide with the evidence they had on Keller. The moment Keller stepped off of the elevator and came through the glass doors, they initiated their plan. "All right. We know it was a knife wound," Neal said. "We'll have to talk to people in the neighborhood and see if she had any enemies."

"I agree. Ellen was a very likable person."

Keller looked at them immediately. "I don't know how anyone can sleep at night with the knowledge that they're the reason someone was stabbed to death," Neal said bitterly.

Peter rubbed Neal's shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Hey, Burkes," Keller said as he walked over to them. Both Neal and Peter gave him a very disinterested look. "Wow. You guys must not have had sex before work this morning."

"We're busy, Keller," Peter said firmly.

"Yeah. We're narrowing down a list of suspects for the murder of someone I know."

Keller shrugged. "All right. Am I useful today or should I just head home?"

Peter rested both hands on Neal's shoulders now, keeping a firm grip on his husband so he wouldn't kill Keller for acting so indifferently about a woman both he and Neal loved. "We could use your help. You know what it's like to kill people," Neal said tightly.

"Allegedly. It's never been proven."

Neal rolled his eyes. "We're looking into a stabbing that took place several months ago. What are your thoughts on this?"

Keller came around to stand at Neal's side, which made Peter furious. He was reading through files Neal had displayed. They were very ambiguous when it came to any suspects or parties involved, but that was the point. Peter watched the other man closely, seeing a little bit of fear in his eyes. He knew no criminal ever wanted to get caught. Murder would get him a few more years than domestic abuse would and he knew that. "I don't have a clue," he said. "Why don't we go work on our current issue?"

"That depends," Peter growled. Neal tensed a bit, knowing Peter was hardly able to contain his anger around Keller. Neal did a good job at keeping the two separate over the last week and he'd tried to put distance between himself and Keller as well. "Are you planning on giving us intel that's actually _worth_ something or are you going to attempt to kill Neal indirectly again?"

"Peter," Neal whispered in warning.

Keller just smirked at the older man. "Awe. C'mon, Burkey. It's just a little bit of harmless fun."

Peter looked at him incredulously. "You call two—I repeat _two_—stab wounds to my husband's body _fun?_ And harmless at that? What kind of drugs are you on?" Neal reached up and gripped his husband's left hand tightly. He'd been trying to get Peter to relax a little more when Keller was around, but that was damn near impossible. He himself hated his ex-boyfriend, but Peter's hatred of the man flared every single time he laid eyes on him. Peter couldn't stand seeing anyone who'd hurt Neal and Keller knew what buttons to push each and every time.

When Peter heaved a heavy sigh of relief, Neal knew he'd gotten his point across. "Are you going to lead us somewhere where only bodyguards are waiting for us or are you planning on finally leading us to where your father and Laird are?"

Keller's eyes flickered to the screen with evidence of what he'd done. It didn't clearly say it was him, but he knew Neal and Peter would figure it out sooner or later, so he figured he may be able to earn their good graces if he helped them out. "I know exactly where they are right now."

Neal nodded and looked up at Peter. "If your information isn't accurate when we arrive, I'm doing one of two things depending on how quickly Neal can stop me. I will either put a bullet right here," he said as he pointed at the center of his own forehead, "or I will throw you behind bars to rot there forever. Do you like those alternatives? If you lie, I can definitely make them possible."

Peter was definitely putting fear into Keller with all that he was saying. "I'll show you where they are, Burkey."

Peter drove them out to where Keller told them to go and he was anxious. He was eagerly anticipating putting a bullet in Craig, ending his life once and for all. He would love to kill Vincent—two birds with one stone—and he decided he'd track that bastard down later if he got away. Neither of them deserved to live. They were a threat to Neal as well as other children out there. Neal told him at one point that Vincent had targeted other children, but those cases closed without convictions.

Upon arriving at their destination, they found a farmhouse. "T-This is it?" Neal asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He _knew_ this wasn't the same farmhouse he and Nicky had been taken to, but it brought back everything they'd done to him as though it were a fresh horror.

"Honey," Peter said softly, reaching over to stroke Neal's hair. He understood what was going on and how it was affecting his husband. "You're all right and I promise you'll _be_ all right. I won't let anything happen to you, my love."

Neal swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah. This is the place," Keller confirmed.

All three of them exited the car and Neal froze at the nose of the car. He stared in horror at the farmhouse because it was identical to the other one. "Neal, I'm here," Peter whispered, kissing his temple while he wrapped an arm around Neal's waist. "You're _not_ alone."

Keller watched Neal, curious. He'd never seen Neal freeze up in his nightmares like this. He knew he could make Neal cry by bringing up certain things, but he'd never seen Neal so afraid. For once, he didn't even feel the need to make a comment. He pitied Neal. At one point, he had loved Neal, but that was before he'd been told by his father that Neal was his stepbrother. Vincent said Neal allegedly had an affair while Matthew was out one night and that instantly sparked rage in Keller. He'd gone out to drink and came home to find his boyfriend reading a book on their shitty couch. The moment Neal looked up at him, he'd smiled and Keller believed that was a very fake smile, so he'd hurt Neal the way Neal hurt him and decided to hurt him at every turn once he'd started. Nothing could have made him stop. Knowing Neal would just take it all made him feel good, like he had power over Neal, and he firmly believed he did possess that kind of power over the younger man.

He'd never seen an actual relationship where both people were truly in love with the other. He and Neal started off that way, but it wasn't meant to be. Watching Peter with Neal made his stomach lurch because he _wanted_ Neal. Keller desperately wanted to push Peter out of the picture so he could have his Neal back. He hadn't had a decent dom-sub relationship since Neal and Neal was a very good sub.

Neal swallowed hard and nodded. "All right. I can do this," he whispered, leaning into Peter for support. Peter rubbed Neal's back, kissing his cheek. Neal reached into his suit jacket and pulled his gun out of his harness and Peter did the same. Keller stayed behind them, knowing exactly what they were going to find inside. He and his father talked plenty since he'd escaped prison with Craig. He realized how close of a partnership the couple had in front of him as Peter and Neal moved to stand on either side of the door, looking at each other. The older man was waiting for Neal to give him the go ahead because he wanted to make sure Neal was absolutely all right with this.

The moment the younger man nodded, they burst through the door. Peter kicked it in and Neal was the first to enter. "FBI!" they both called out, holding their guns in front of them.

Neal's eyes widened as soon as he realized what was happening. "Neal, wait. You'll—"

Neal was hit by so many flashbacks that made his heart race and he fired his gun without giving it so much as even a first thought, instantly killing the man who'd first raped him. His hands shook as soon as Vincent dropped. He was completely naked and his back was to the trio in the doorway. Neal tried to keep himself from focusing on the fact that he'd just killed someone. He dropped his gun and ran across the nearly empty room, shoving Vincent's motionless body aside. "You're okay. You're okay," he whispered, pulling a frightened teenager up into his arms. He was stroking the boy's hair, silently crying as he stared at the blood on the floor that was definitely Vincent's. He shut his eyes as the teenager wrapped his arms around him. The boy had no idea who Neal was, but he did know that he'd been saved by Neal's shot. Peter watched his husband try to soothe the boy who'd been underneath Vincent as Vincent raped him.

The moment they'd barged in and saw Vincent naked on the floor, he believed he should've known what was transpiring. Neal didn't hesitate to kill Vincent in that moment because he knew how it felt to be young and pressured. Neal was instantly revolted and pained the moment he realized Vincent was treating another boy the same way he'd been treated as a very frightened thirteen year old. "Neal," Peter whispered.

Neal glanced over his shoulder and Peter saw how badly this was affecting his husband. He returned his focus to the teenager and put space between them long enough to take his suit jacket off and wrap it around the boy. "Do you think you can move?" Neal asked softly, though Peter could hear the tremor in his voice.

"Yeah," the boy whispered hoarsely.

Neal helped the teenager stand on wobbly legs. He kept his hands on the teenager just in case the teen suddenly felt faint. "How old are you?"

The boy swallowed hard. "Thirteen." Neal's heart broke in that moment. "My name is Neil."

Peter snarled, "That sick bastard."

Neil glanced at Peter and looked afraid, but Neal said, "It's okay. That's my husband. His name's Peter and my… My name is also Neal." Neil nodded, clinging to Neal. "We're gonna take you to the bureau and try to sort things out." Neal looked at his husband and added, "We'll get you some clothes to put on first though." He knew exactly how it felt to be forced to remain naked while his body was abused time and time again, even in the interludes. It was very cold and made him feel disgusting, so he could only imagine that the teen in his arms felt the same way to an extent.

Peter called Jones and asked him to bring a crew that would clean Vincent up. He was looking around the room while Neal took care of the boy. Everything he saw disgusted him and it was obvious that the boy had been here for several days. He registered Keller standing behind him with his hands in his pockets. "Did you know about the kid?" Peter asked firmly. Keller gave him a confused look and Peter growled, "Did you know he was raping the kid when you brought us here?"

"Yes."

Before Peter had the chance to strangle Keller, Neal called out, "Peter, the team is here. We can leave now."

Peter would have loved to shoot Keller and leave his body for the cleanup crew, but he knew how that might look to both his frightened husband and the teenager they'd rescued. He couldn't lose it while they were vulnerable. Keller was the least of his worries. First and foremost, he needed to take care of his husband and the boy. "Get your ass in the car, _Keller._"

The two made their way back to the car and Neal was cleaning the teenager's face and neck with a towel he found in the car's trunk and water he found outside of the farmhouse via a waterspout. "How did you find me?" Neil asked quietly, staring up at Neal.

Neal frowned. "Unfortunately, we were going after him because of something similar to what he was doing to you," Neal whispered. "He was my stepfather and he…did _that_ to me when I was thirteen as well." Neil stared up at him in horror. "I didn't have the intention of killing him until I saw you and I'm really sorry for scaring you when I shot him."

"You got him away from me," the teen said softly. "I wanted him to die when he started taking my clothes off. I tried to resist and he…ripped my clothes to shreds. I don't know where my family is, but he kept telling me to shut up and threatened to hurt my mom if I—"

"Neil, I know exactly what you went through." Neal's eyes watered as he looked into the boy's blue eyes. For all intents and purposes, this boy was almost exactly like Neal had been at his age. Brunette, blue eyes, same name, same age. "He did the same thing to me, but he tried not to hurt me because he had to live with me. He didn't rip my clothes the way he ripped yours."

The teenager nodded as he looked down to watch Neal clean his hands. "You were crying when you moved him," Neil commented quietly, giving Neal a curious look. Neal looked at the boy's face again without answering. He could see a haunted look in the boy's eyes that he remembered seeing in his own eyes as a teenager. He'd looked into mirrors and was disgusted by what he saw and he always looked like he was on the brink of death. As he got older, he stayed as far away from mirrors as possible unless he really needed to use one. When Peter came into his life, he always wanted to look good, so he really tried to control himself with mirrors. "Are you scared?"

Peter stepped closer to the two, keeping an eye on his husband. "I was. I'm afraid of confronting people from my past." He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing heavily. "He raped me for almost three years before I ran away from home." He decided he wasn't going to go into further detail. For one, he knew he'd get lost in that nightmare full of flashbacks and he wasn't sure if he could handle it or if Peter could handle him on top of a vulnerable teenager. Since Craig wasn't around, he didn't want to bring that monster up and scare the hell out of the poor kid.

Neal looked up and saw Peter watching him. The younger man gave his husband a soft smile. "You guys okay?" he asked as he moved close enough to rest a hand on Neal's lower back.

Neil nodded up at the older men. He couldn't look at Peter and Peter wondered why. "He'll be all right once we can get him home," Neal said gently, rubbing the kid's shoulders.

"I live on the streets," Neil whispered.

Neal's lips parted as he looked at the teenager. He met Peter's eyes a moment later and Peter knew exactly what his husband was thinking. "Would you feel comfortable living with Neal and me until we can figure something out for you?"

Peter was concerned when the boy started trembling, leaning closer to Neal for comfort. Neal noticed and he gave his husband an apologetic look. Peter knew he'd explain later because he seemed to know what the problem was. "It isn't just us," Neal said hurriedly. "We have three kids. Our oldest son is fourteen and our youngest are twins—one girl and one boy—and they're both about six months old now. You'd have a guestroom all to yourself."

"Geez, Neal. I think you should considering registering as a sex offender. All you've ever done when you find stray children is offer to take them home with you and keep them like pets."

Neal's teeth were grinding as he looked at Keller. "I don't pick them up and bring them in like animals. Trent needed somewhere to stay after everything you put him through and we welcomed him. He and Nicky bonded, you ass." He gestured at Neil and growled, "If you think I'm abandoning him after everything he just went through, you're just as sick as your father."

Keller didn't say another word as the couple led Neil to the car. Much to Peter's dismay, Neal opted to sit in the backseat with Neil, which meant Keller was shotgun. The teenager seemed to trust Neal immensely and Peter knew that his husband was a very compassionate man when it came to children. He never wanted to let anything happen to a child. It always hurt him to see a kid in need.

Peter took them to a nearby store so Neal could head in and buy some clothes for the kid. He was better with judging clothes sizes when it came to kids. All Peter did was agree as to whether or not it was appropriate or something Nicky might like. As Neal was opening the door, Neil grabbed his hand. "Can I please go with you?" he pleaded.

"Kiddo, I'm not sure if that's a good idea. All you're wearing is my suit jacket. I mean, you don't even have shoes." He frowned at the boy, seeing how desperate he was for Neal to take him along.

"Take your badge and just tell them you rescued him if anyone questions you," Peter suggested. He understood to an extent that the boy was traumatized. He just wondered why he was so against staying in the car to wait for Neal to come back.

Neal nodded, leaning forward to kiss Peter's cheek. "Behave yourself," he warned. "I love you and I'll be back soon."

"Love you, angel," Peter said softly as Neal ushered Neil out of the car.

"Hey. Hang on," Neal said. He sat down on the car seat and took his shoes off, followed by his socks. "It isn't much, but it's better than walking directly on the ground. I'm sorry that I don't have much else to give you."

Neal pulled his shoes back on while the kid put Neal's socks on. He would have given his shoes to Neil as well if they weren't so oversized on him. "Thank you," the boy whispered when Neal finally climbed out of the car.

He shut the door and smiled as Neil took his hand. "I'm here to help. Do yourself a favor and don't look at price tags. I'll buy anything you want and then we'll head into the bathroom so you can get dressed."

Both of them went into the store and Neal tried his best to shield the teenager. Every time he looked down at the boy, he saw fear and embarrassment. Neal squeezed his hand gently, trying to give him a little bit of support. The moment they got into the section that would best fit Neil, a security guard decided to stop them. "Excuse me, sir, but—"

Neal pulled his badge out of his pants pocket. "Agent Neal Burke of the FBI—White Collar division," he said quietly. "I know what this looks like, but I just rescued this boy from a very severe situation." The guard gave Neil a sympathetic look. Neil was oblivious to what was going on behind him. He was trying to find clothes he liked. "I'm buying him new clothing since his clothes were nowhere to be found upon my arrival."

The security guard nodded. "If anyone gives you trouble, come find me." He was watching the teenager carefully. "Is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah. I'm taking him back to the bureau after this and I'm going to try to locate any family he might have. He told me he doesn't have a home, but his parents or some family members have to be out there somewhere." The guard didn't linger in their area, but he gave Neal his number in case Neal got stopped elsewhere in the store. He glanced up from his phone when Neil came to him with a nice shirt, jeans, socks, and underwear. Neal gave him a small smile. "All right, kiddo. Let's go get you some shoes and then we'll head over to the checkout."

On the way over, Neal decided to grab some baby wipes so he could help the kid clean off any of the grime or blood he couldn't reach himself. "Neal, are these okay?"

Neal went over and rested a hand between Neil's shoulder blades. "Don't worry about anything. Just pick something comfortable. I'm taking care of you for the time being." Neil gave him a very small, appreciative smile. "Believe me. I spoiled the heck out of my son as he was growing up. I really don't mind buying stuff for you." Neil nodded and the older man had a very sudden thought considering his own recent captivity. "Were you fed at all?"

"No," Neil whispered.

"After you're all cleaned up and dressed, we'll come back out and I'll buy you whatever you want to eat and drink. I'm not sure about your background or anything, but I'm not buying any alcohol."

Neil's eyes widened as he shook his head. "I don't do illegal things. Honest," he whispered.

"I wasn't saying you did," Neal added softly. "I'm concerned about you. I went through the same thing you're going through, but I don't want you to get through it the exact same way I did. I'm only an FBI agent who got you out of a tough situation, but I care about you."

The teenager picked a pair of shoes and turned to face Neal. "That means a lot to me. I don't know where my parents went or if they're even looking for me." They went to the checkout shortly thereafter and Neal paid for everything with his credit card. He was thankful to have such an understanding husband because he spent almost one hundred dollars on the boy. Peter wouldn't even bat an eye at Neal once he looked at their bank account. He knew that Keller would beat him senseless if they were still together. It was times like these where he loved that he'd married someone truly wonderful.

Neal was relieved that no one made any tactless comments about Neil on the way to the checkout or as they went into the bathroom with everything they'd just bought. Neal handed the bag of clothing to Neil and held the baby wipes out in his other hand for the kid to take. He noticed the nervousness on the boy's face. "You okay?"

"I know this is probably wrong to ask, but can you help me?"

"I don't want to hurt you," Neal said cautiously. "I don't want to scare you either."

Neil shook his head. "You aren't scary. I trust you."

Neal didn't feel all that awkward while he helped Neil clean off in one of the stalls. He had his fourteen year old that he'd spent so much time giving baths and such to and he has twins he's given baths to. It was a little different with someone who wasn't his kid, but he treated Neil like his own son. He took on a very fatherly persona with Neil and made sure he was taken care of properly. He even helped Neil get dressed because Neil's muscles were weaker than they should have been. Neil revealed that he'd been held captive for at least a week if not longer and Neal completely understood. After all, he'd been pretty weakened after two weeks.

The older man threw the used baby wipes into the garbage and folded his suit jacket, tucking it into the bag with the remainder of the baby wipes. He figured he could take them home to use for the twins. "All right. Let's go get you something to eat."

In the snacks aisle, Neil felt strange. He watched Neal lead him down the aisle, talking a little bit about the foods and commenting on how much his son loved certain snacks. He hadn't said anything in a while as he listened to Neal talk, but he blurted, "I love you." Neal paused and looked at him, giving him a look that resembled one close to emotional torture. "You don't even know me, but you're treating me like you treat your son. I love you like a father."

Neal's expression shifted and he gave the boy a soft smile. "I'm glad to hear you feel that comfortable with me." He wasn't sure if he should reciprocate that love. Neil might distort those feelings and he wasn't entirely sure if that would get him into trouble or not.

He bought Neil a few bags of Doritos and Cheetos, and then they headed over to get some bottles of flavored water. Neil seemed happy to have the opportunity to make choices for himself. However, Neal was surprised when the teenager suddenly stumbled a bit and started crying on the way to the checkout. He gently gripped him and led him somewhere that was a little less crowded so no one would make fun of him or give him looks that hurt him emotionally. "I'm scared," Neil admitted through tears.

"Of what?" Neal asked softly, kneeling in front of the boy.

"Don't make me go back to the car," he pleaded. Neal gave him a confused look. "They scare me. Those guys."

Neal rubbed Neil's arms slowly. "Peter's my husband. He's the sweetest guy you'll ever meet." Neal smiled a bit as he thought about how sweet his husband is. "I'll admit that Peter scared me a bit at first, too. I know he's a little intimidating at first, but he's a big teddy bear, kiddo. He's never once hit me or our kids. There's no reason at all to be afraid of him." Unless Peter was beyond pissed off. That was the only time Peter scared him. He'd been terrified the night he told Peter he'd gone to see Keller. Peter had looked like he wanted to cause pain that night and something as little as a step closer made him nearly jump out of his skin. "He's not like the guy who hurt you. I promise. I love Peter a lot. If he were like that guy, I wouldn't love him."

Neil nodded, looking at the floor. "He still kinda scares me."

"He's a wonderful man, Neil. You'll see. He'd jump to protect you—same as I would." He'd never tell Neil that he had such terrible flashbacks that made him see Vincent or Craig instead of Peter. It was only because he really hoped Neil wouldn't have those problems. It'd only been a week and the boy hadn't looked like he'd been hurt very much aside from the obvious. He'd been dirty from having to lay on the floor and he'd bled between his legs, but he was otherwise physically all right. "Peter's going to take care of you. He'd never do anything to hurt you."

Upon checking out of the store with all of the food and water he bought Neil, his phone began to ring. Neil startled and whispered, "What's that?"

Neal stroked his hair. "It's my cell phone." He pulled it out of his pocket. "Peter's calling me." He answered and held the phone up to his ear. "Hey, babe. We're on our way back to the car now."

"_I'm glad to hear that, baby,_" Peter said softly. "_I was starting to worry about you, so…_"

Neal smiled as he and Neil headed towards the car. "We're just fine. I bought him clothes, so he's dressed, and I got him a few snacks and bottles of water until we can get him some dinner." He glanced down at Neil who was holding onto his free hand tightly. "We're almost at the car, love, so I'm gonna get off the phone now."

"_Love you, hon._"

"Love you, Superman."

He hung up and smiled as he slid his phone back into his pocket. "Superman?" Neil asked.

Neal chuckled. "When Peter and I first started dating almost five years ago, I told him a lot of things about me that really hurt me and he… He was—and still is to this day—very supportive and he helped me through a lot." He squeezed Neil's hand. "He's been my rock and I love him for that. I started calling him Superman because he's always been so strong and he's my hero. When I was younger, a woman who was so much like a mother to me bought me comics that I still have in my closet in case my son ever got interested. Superman was my childhood hero and Peter saved me so many times, so… It fit him."

The boy smiled as they neared the car. "What does he call you?"

"A lot of things," Neal said, laughing lightly. "They're all really sweet things and he changes it up every now and then. I know he loves me when he uses those sweet words."

Neal and Neil finally arrived at the car and Neal opened the door to let the boy slide in first before getting in himself. Peter turned a bit to smile back at him and he leaned forward to kiss Peter. "Welcome back, hon," Peter said softly.

The younger man saw a small fire of frustration in his husband's eyes and knew immediately that they were taking Keller to his shitty motel before heading back to the bureau to sort things out with Neil. Peter couldn't deal with Keller's shit anymore and he was trying to stay in a good mood because he knew what his husband and the teenager were going through. If he lashed out at Keller, he'd probably scare both Neal and Neil.

Peter watched Keller walk into the motel before driving off. "I take it he wasn't polite in the slightest," Neal said quietly.

"He's lucky that I'm in love with you, Neal, because I'd love to rid the world of him. I know you're against that at this particular moment, but he really pisses me off when he says such…promiscuous things about you that aren't true—and even if they are, I don't give a damn about what you and he used to do together. You're my husband now—not his—and I love you with all of my heart and soul."

Neal reached out to rub Peter's shoulder. "And I love you with all of mine," he said softly. "I'm sorry that you have to listen to that crap. I really wish he'd take a hint sometimes and just shut up."

Peter sighed. "At least I know about the things he's talked about. I'd rather hear them from you first because I know you're not going to be lewd about it."

"I regret my past with him," Neal whispered. "If I hadn't tried to settle down with him, things would be different."

Peter briefly glanced back at his husband in the rearview mirror. "I don't know if we would have met under different circumstances," Peter said sadly. "Would you have applied for the FBI if you never met him?"

"I…maybe. I did a lot of retail and restaurant work beforehand and that sucked. I'm not letting Nick work in either of those types of jobs when he's ready to work. I hate dealing with people who can't look past the fact that I have no idea what they're talking about because I'm not the same employee they spoke to on the phone."

The older man smiled wryly for a moment. He didn't want to depress his husband or the teenager sitting with his husband, so he decided to tease his lover. "I bet your fiery side is what got you fired."

"I'll admit to that," Neal said, chuckling. "I always tried to be pleasant at first, but I got fed up with it and they went over my head and reported me to my boss, which then ended up with the _you're fired_ speech in his office."

Neal stroked Neil's hair gently, smiling at his husband. "Regardless of your past, I'm happy to be in your present," Peter said softly.

The younger man would have kissed Peter if he'd been able to. "You're in my future as well, Peter."

He leaned over a bit to kiss Peter's shoulder. "Thank you," Peter whispered. Neal met his husband's eyes in the rearview mirror and smiled at him.

As soon as they pulled up at the bureau, Neal ushered Neil out of the car once again and Peter got out simultaneously. Peter stopped moving the moment Neil tugged on his suit jacket. He gave the teen a curious look. "Neal said a lot of good things about you," he whispered. "I didn't know if I should believe what he said, but…listening to you guys definitely made me believe him. You're not a scary guy."

Peter smiled, catching Neal's eye as Neal stepped onto the sidewalk to wait for them. "I try not to scare people off," Peter said teasingly. "I'm glad you don't think I'm scary though," he said as he returned his gaze to Neil. He found it so odd and wondered how the hell he was going to talk to both of them at home individually if they'd both respond to the same name. He'd have to figure something out with the two of them to make it easier. Shaking his head, he led Neil onto the sidewalk where Neal was waiting. The first thing he did was pull Neal close for a soft kiss. "I love you, Neal George," he said with a small smile. Neal returned the smile and took Peter's hand in his. Neil tentatively took Peter's other hand as he was led into the FBI building without knowing exactly how his life would change because the two agents cared so much about him. It really surprised him because he wasn't used to that level of compassion. It gave him hope—something he could see in Neal's eyes when Neal looked at Peter. He knew he'd be okay in the end because these two men would do their best for him. They'd saved him and taken care of him already, so they'd definitely earned his trust. Knowing Neal knew what he was going through helped a great deal because he didn't have to worry about talking to someone who didn't understand.

Neil figured that if Neal could manage a married life with kids, he'd be okay.


	27. Chapter 27

Neal glanced at the doorway when his husband came through. They'd taken Neil to the hospital after trying to find some information about his parents. They found nothing helpful and it was almost as if they'd disappeared off the face of the earth. Neil was looking at Neal, thankful to have Neal at his side. Neal whispered, "Anything new?"

Peter gestured at the hallway. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

The younger man glanced at Neil. "I'll be right back," he said, patting Neil's hand gently. Neil nodded and his eyes followed Neal as Neal left the room with his husband. "I get the feeling this isn't good."

"Jones tried to call a few people he thought may be connected to Neil's parents. No dice," Peter said, sounding disappointed. "He's a minor. I don't know if we're allowed to ask for tests and such without his parents' permission."

"It sure would be a hell of a lot easier if we could get their permission, but, as they have been unavailable for contact, we may just have to go with 'fuck it' and take over. I don't want him sitting there for hours upon hours without hearing anything." He glanced back into the room, his eyes displaying a deep pain Peter knew Neal was suffering. "We could sign as his guardians and just tell the staff we can't find his parents."

Peter nodded, resting his hand on Neal's shoulder to regain his husband's attention. "Are _you_ okay?"

Neal sighed heavily. "I'm worried about him. Vincent gave me Chlamydia _twice._ This isn't fair. That kid is thirteen and he should never have been dragged into all of this bullshit."

"Honey, this is hitting you close to home," he said quietly.

"Really?" Neal asked sarcastically. "I feel like I'm looking at myself in a hospital bed, but I didn't have this when I was thirteen. I had a stepfather who woke me up early some mornings to fuck me before he took me to school and then he'd take me somewhere after school to fuck me some more." He gestured between himself and Peter when he said, "I didn't have _this,_ people who actually give a damn. There's only so much I can help him with, Peter. It's not like I can guide him through living with an STD that can _hopefully_ go away with antibiotics. I don't know how much damage has been done because he hasn't said anything about any of the pain. He was bleeding at some point during his captivity, so there was obviously some internal damage done, but I don't know _how much._"

Peter tentatively stepped closer to his husband, hugging him. Neal sighed and returned the embrace. "I understand, Neal. I've been with you long enough to understand your feelings and point of view on these kinds of situations." He kissed Neal's temple. "You've been wonderful with him. He might be okay since he's got you."

Neal shook his head, burying his face into his husband's neck as he breathed shakily. "There's never going to be a moment where he's completely okay, Peter. You know that. I'm thirty-seven and I'm still fucked up from—"

"Point taken," Peter interjected, rubbing Neal's back. "The difference is that you didn't have anyone to talk to who would believe you or take care of you for almost twenty years, Neal," he whispered. "When you first told someone about it, you were thirty-two and it was me." He could feel Neal's tears soaking through his shirt and he held his husband a little tighter. "You've been very proactive since we found him and I wish you would have had that yourself. You're such a beautiful man, Neal."

Neal mumbled, "He said he loves me," against Peter and Peter gave his husband a questioning look even though Neal wasn't looking at the older man. "When we were in the store together," he clarified, straightening up to rub his eyes. "He said he loves me because I was acting like a father and treating him like my own son."

Peter kissed Neal's forehead, whispering, "See what I mean about you being a wonderful father?" The younger man laughed lightly and Peter gave him a small smile, lifting his own hands to rub his husband's tears away. "You head back in there to keep him company and I'll go find a doctor, okay? I'll explain the situation and I'll start threatening people if they won't test him without his parents' signatures."

"Thank you," Neal whispered, smiling sadly at his husband.

The older man kissed Neal softly, murmuring, "There's nothing I won't do for you, my love."

Neal was still rubbing his eyes when he went back into the room with Neil. "What happened?" he asked in a panic upon seeing Neal. "Why are you crying? What's wrong with me?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Neal said quickly, darting across the room as Neil started hyperventilating. "Nothing's wrong with you, kiddo." He began to stroke Neil's hair, taking his hand to hold gently. "Peter's figuring things out and I'm crying because I got emotional when I was talking to him. Everything's okay, Neil."

Neil stared up at Neal desperately. "Am I going to have diseases from what he did to me?"

"I don't know. We're trying to get you tested, Neil, but finding your parents for their permission has been such a pain. Peter was telling me that we still can't find them and I suggested that we just sign as your guardians since they're not coming forward to take care of you. I do _not_ want you stuck here, worrying about things you don't know because you can't find out."

Peter came back almost ten minutes later with a doctor. Neal turned to look at his husband. "You two are signing as his guardians from what Mister Burke has told me," the doctor said.

"Yeah. It'll be easy to track us down later if needed since we live together," Neal said. The doctor gave him a confused look and Neal held up his left hand. Peter could tell that Neal was irritated, so he figured they should probably get things moving before Neal flipped out.

Neal stayed with Neil at Neil's request through everything the doctor did. It was nothing he hadn't seen before. He'd done tests like these so many times since he was sixteen, so it didn't bother him at all. Neil felt more comfortable with him in the room anyway. He didn't want to be alone with someone he doesn't know and Neal wondered how Neil felt comfortable with _him._ "Your STD and STI results should be back within the next few hours at your guardian's urgency," the doctor said as he finished, glancing at Neal warily. Neal's strong connection to this made him want everything done right and done quickly. "There is some tearing, which explains the bleeding you spoke of, Mister Burke." Neil gave Neal a frightened look and Neal stroked Neil's hair while looking at the doctor. "The fissures should heal quickly as they don't look very severe. We can provide him with stool softeners that should help speed along his healing and relieve itself in a matter of days. If nothing has changed within a week, I would suggest bringing him back here."

"Thank you," Neal said graciously.

Peter came in when Neal sent him a text that everything was done. "I gave the paperwork to the receptionist," Peter said to the doctor. He glanced at Neal. "I put him on our insurance." Neal nodded, giving his husband an appreciative smile. Glancing at his watch, he asked, "Are we able to take him home with us or do we have to wait? One of us has to leave to get our son if he can't go home yet."

"I'll get your discharge papers. We'll have his test results shortly and a phone call will be made. If antibiotics are required, they'll be provided."

Peter did more paperwork while Neal helped Neil get dressed and got the stool softeners prescribed for the fissures Neil had. It came with instructions so Neal could give it to Neil properly and Neal was glad he didn't have to look this up because he hadn't gotten this kind of treatment for his own fissures before.

Neal and Neil met Peter in the hallway and Peter slid his arm around Neal's waist, kissing Neal's cheek. Neal smiled at his husband. "We have to give this to him before he goes to bed starting tonight," he told Peter, showing him the little bag the medication came in.

As soon as they all got into the Taurus, Peter drove them to Nicky's school. He'd started up high school and was attending Stuyvesant. The nice thing about that was that both Nicky and Trent had been accepted. Neal was very proud of both of them and he'd cooked dinner as well as baked a cake for them to show them that. They offered to take Trent home with them for a few hours until his mother could pick him up since she was working during their pickup time.

"Neil," Peter said gently as he drove, "our son, Nicky, and his friend are going to be squeezing into the backseat with you. Is that okay or would you like Neal to sit in the back with you and either Nicky or Trent?"

"I'll be okay with Nicky and Trent."

Peter nodded as he pulled up in the normal spot they picked the kids up at. Neal pulled his phone out and Peter glanced over at him. "If you tell me you've logged into Facebook, I'm kicking you out of the car."

Neal chuckled. "I'm looking at pictures Tara posted of her son—and El's pictures of her daughter. They're both so cute." Neil unbuckled and scooted up a bit, wanting to see. Neal took the hint and turned his phone. "This is my friend's son. His name is Logan." Neil smiled at the pictures of the infant. After a few moments, Neal switched over to El's profile and showed him pictures of a baby girl. "This is another friend's daughter. Her name's Elsa."

"I still think that's a ridiculous name," Peter muttered.

"If you'd watch Frozen with me and Nicky, you jerk, you'd understand," Neal countered, raising an eyebrow. Peter rolled his eyes and Neal smiled back at Neil. "Tara's son is about a month and a half older than our twins. El's daughter is two months younger."

"Wow. That sounds like an instant group of friends."

Neal chuckled, nodding. "It is really funny how that happened."

"Here come the brats," Peter said as he unlocked the doors. Neal smacked Peter's arm and glanced out the window as Nicky and Trent walked across the street.

Nicky opened the back door and stared at the boy sitting in the backseat. "Uh, dad, we have a kid sitting in the car."

"Get in, kiddo," Peter said.

Nicky gave Neil a cautious look before climbing in so Trent could get in beside him. "This is our son, Nicky," Neal said, gesturing at his son. "That's Trent," he said as he nodded in Trent's direction. "Boys, this is Neil." Their son gave Neal an incredulous look. "Nick, he's gonna be living with us for a little while."

"Uh, okay." Neal gave his son a look and Nicky muttered, "Trent and I play on the Wii downstairs when we're done with homework. Do you want to play, too?"

Neil looked a little intimidated and Peter glanced back in the rearview mirror as he drove off. "Boys, dad and I are expecting you to make Neil feel welcome."

As soon as they all got back to the Burkes' house, Neil was even more intimidated. He watched them all get into their normal after school and work routine. Nicky and Trent headed over to the dinner table and started pulling out their homework. Peter was going through the mail, tossing a few things into the garbage and other things onto the coffee table for Neal. Neal headed upstairs to check on Mozzie and the twins and he was planning on fixing up the guestroom for Neil as well. All he had to do was pull out a blanket and some pillows. He'd also have to go shopping to buy some clothes for Neil, which undoubtedly meant he'd be buying for a very jealous Nicky as well.

"Neal." Neal darted out into the hallway upon hearing his name said in such a broken way. He met Neil halfway down the stairway and Neil hugged him tightly, crying against him.

"Hey," he whispered softly. "It's okay. You're somewhere safe." He stroked Neil's hair. "It's okay, Neil."

Neil shook his head. "I don't fit in. I don't go to school or do anything important like you all do."

Neal caught his husband standing at the bottom of the stairs concernedly. He nodded upstairs and Peter quietly came up after them as Neal led Neil into the guestroom. He sat him down on the bed and sat beside him just as Peter came in and shut the door. "Don't worry about school. We'll figure things out, Neil. Trent and Nicky went to a pretty good school. We could probably get you enrolled if you want," Peter said gently.

"I used to go to Ascension. One of the street moms was paying for me to go, but she left a couple months ago and I can't pay for it."

Neal and Peter shared a quick look. "I'll take care of that," Neal promised him. "While you're here, just take it easy. Our son and Trent are good kids."

Neal pulled a blanket and two pillows out and set the bed up for Neil before giving the teen a little bit of space that seemed necessary. Peter grabbed Neal's hand and tugged on it. The younger man turned, raising an eyebrow. "Please tell me I can make love to you," Peter whispered huskily. Neal shivered, stepping closer to his husband. "Watching you today… Neal, I love you so much."

"We may have to settle for a quickie for right now. Neil may need us and we're waiting on a phone call. We also have to start dinner." Peter looked hungry with desire as he stared into Neal's eyes. Neal smiled and wrapped his arms around Peter's neck. That was Peter's cue. He leaned forward and yanked Neal's legs up, pulling them around his waist. Neal chuckled as Peter carried him into their bedroom, kicking the door closed. He left the lock to Neal and Neal quickly locked the door.

In an instant, Neal was on his back on their bed with Peter hovering over him, kissing him fiercely. "I love you," Peter said in between kisses. "You're so beautiful." He began to strip his husband, removing his shirt first so he could pepper kisses across his chest. Neal moaned quietly. He was always happy to know he could make love with his husband on a whim like this. They'd been making love as often as they can and Peter's been nothing but loving each and every time. That was the only reason Neal felt comfortable now. Unfortunately, they weren't even given the chance. The babies started crying through the intercom and Peter stopped, sighing heavily. "I swear they know when we're trying to do it during the afternoon."

"That seems to extend into the night, too," Neal added breathlessly. Peter backed off of the bed, pulling Neal with him. Neal didn't bother to pull his shirt back on and Peter loved that. They went into the twins' room and Neal grabbed Brie while Peter picked up Joey. "Hey, baby girl," Neal whispered, tapping her nose gently. "Daddy and poppa are home now. Uncle Mozzie won't tell you any more conspiracy theories today."

Peter smiled at Neal and then down at their son. "I can't imagine how much he tortures them when we aren't here."

"You may want to consider turning off the intercom system," Mozzie called up to them.

Neal and Peter snickered a bit and Neal moved closer to his husband, tilting his head for a kiss, which was given to him almost immediately. "We could probably feed them when we're eating dinner." They carried the babies downstairs and Neal called out, "Neil, we're heading downstairs if you want to join us."

He waited a moment before Neil came out of the guestroom just to make sure Neil was okay. Neal was moving to set Brie down on the couch so he could go cook dinner, but Peter made a noise that forced Neal to pause. "You did enough today, lover. You sit out here and relax with the twins. _I_ will cook dinner tonight." Neal rolled his eyes, but nodded, sitting on the floor. He set Brie between his legs against him and held his hands out for Joey. He scooted Brie a bit so he could set Joey down beside her. "Moz, are you staying for dinner?"

Mozzie was down in the basement with the boys, declaring, "I shouldn't, but I will."

Peter knelt just enough to kiss his husband's forehead before heading into the kitchen. Neal was making quiet baby noises to mimic the twins as he reached over to grab a couple of their toys. He watched them lean on his leg to turn themselves a bit. He shook the rattle and both babies were alert, staring at it. He chuckled as Brie tried to move towards it. She was doing pretty well in his opinion. Brie liked to be active and was beginning to attempt standing more often. Joey wanted the rattle, but he didn't want to move towards it. "What did you say their names are?" Neil asked as he sat a little ways away from Neal to give him and the babies plenty of space to play on the floor.

"This lazy, little guy here is Joey." He glanced at Brie as Brie struggled, but managed to crawl. "This is Brie. Her full name is Gabriella and we're waiting until she's older to decide whether or not we're sticking with Brie or calling her Gabby."

Neal set the rattle down and shifted Joey to lay Joey on his back. He flipped over to lay on his stomach and Neil saw Neal's back. His eyes widened as he stared at one of Neal's more prominent scars—his biggest scar. "Honey, where did you put the rice?"

"You put the rice away, Peter," Neal replied as he teased Joey with his hand, trying to get Joey to grab at him and move around a bit more.

"Did not." After a few moments, he swore he heard Peter mutter, "Fuck. I did..."

Neal kissed Joey's belly, playfully saying, "Poppa's a dork sometimes. He loses stuff a _lot._" Joey laughed really loud and Neal pretended to be surprised by that as he smiled at his son, his eyes a little wider and his mouth slightly open. "Oh. Are we trying to talk, little guy?" He poked Joey's stomach gently and elicited a giggle from his son.

Neil kept staring at Neal's scars. There were several minor scars across his shoulders and lower back, but he was focused on the scar that started at Neal's right shoulder blade and scarred diagonally over to his lower left side. "What happened to your back?"

The older man's eyes slowly traveled over to where Neil was sitting. He saw how scared the teenager looked and bit his lip. "Stuff." He pushed himself up. "Can you make sure they don't eat anything on the floor? I'm gonna get a shirt."

"Neal, you don't have to cover it up just because I asked about it," Neil said miserably. "I won't ask again."

"It's okay. I should probably get a shirt on anyway. I'm being really insensitive," he whispered. He stood up and headed towards the stairway. He was startled when Neil grabbed at his pants over his right thigh and it instantly hurt him even though he knew he wasn't feeling real pain. He'd stopped cutting himself when Peter caught him. His breathing accelerated and he felt himself heating up. He probably could have made it to the stairs and up to the bathroom on his own, but he felt really light-headed all of a sudden. "Peter," he said, sounding strangled.

He shut his eyes tightly as he heard Peter race into the living room. Peter saw the part of Neal's body that Neil was touching and his eyes widened. "Neil," he whispered, gently moving the boy away from his husband. Neil was staring up at Neal in horror, not knowing what he'd done. "Angel, listen to me," Peter urged as he caressed his husband's face. "Everything's okay. I promise you're safe." Neal's hands shook as he grabbed Peter's hips tightly, frantically. "Honey, can you walk into the kitchen with me so I can get you some water?"

Neal shook his head, swallowing hard. "I'm gonna fall," he said brokenly moments before his legs gave out. Peter held onto him, watching as Neal moved his hand closer to his right thigh. He looked like he was trying to scratch the material of his pants away so he could mess with his scar.

Peter carefully shifted Neal over to the couch, gently setting him down on it. "Honey," he whispered as he positioned himself between Neal's legs. "Tell me what I can do. I'm going into the kitchen to grab you some water. What else do you need?"

"Water," he said hoarsely. "Shirt—please."

The older man nodded. "Yes, darling." He kissed Neal's knee before getting up. He darted into the kitchen and filled a glass of cool water, bringing it out to his perspiring husband. Neal's hands were shaking too terribly and Peter didn't trust that he could hold the drink without spilling it all over himself, so he helped Neal take a drink. He set the glass down on the table when Neal pushed his hand away. "I'm getting your shirt now. I will be _right back._" Neal nodded, breathing heavily. He felt like he was being cut, like they were penetrating him brutally. His body ached and he hated that he could feel those phantom aches. His eyes opened as soon as he heard Peter coming down the stairs with one of his own shirts that he'd let Neal wear. "I couldn't find a shirt that wouldn't stick to your skin, so I grabbed one of mine. I hope it's okay," Peter said hurriedly as he helped Neal lean forward. He helped Neal put the Le Moyne College shirt on before helping Neal sit back against the back of the couch.

Neal's eyes were barely open when he whispered, "Thank you."

His fingers were clawing at his pants above the scar Craig left behind. "You know I'm always here," Peter whispered, gently pulling Neal's hand away from his thigh. He stroked Neal's sweaty hair, his brows drawing together in concern. He looked over his shoulder to see their twins lying on their backs, kicking out playfully as they made quiet giggling noises. Neil was standing by the wall with his hands covering his mouth. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face and Peter sympathized for the boy. "Neil, come here," he said softly.

Neil shook his head, rushing to say, "Please don't make me leave. I don't have anywhere to go. I'm so sorry for whatever I did to him. I didn't mean it!"

Peter gently set his husband's hand down on the couch before getting up, standing at his full height. Neil crouched, burying his face in his hands. "Neil," he said, carefully stepping closer to the boy. "Neil, it's okay. He's all right."

"I didn't mean to hurt him!" Neil sobbed.

Neal forced himself to get up despite how shitty he felt. He knelt in front of Neil, touching his knees gently. "I'm okay, kiddo. You didn't hurt me."

Nicky and Trent came upstairs to see what was going on. As soon as Nicky saw Neil taking all of his father's attention, his jealousy flared. He had no idea why Neil was there or why he was staying with them, but he didn't want Neil to take his dad away. Trent gripped his shoulder, knowing Nicky was jealous of anybody who took Neal's attention. He'd never been jealous of his siblings or of Peter because they're family, but this kid wasn't part of their family as far as he was concerned.

"I'm so sorry," Neil whispered. Neal gently pried Neil's hands away from his face. "Please don't send me away. I'm so sorry."

"You're not going anywhere," Neal promised him. "Everything's fine."

"What did you do to my dad?" Nicky asked, sounding very accusatory.

Neal turned his head to stare at his son. "He didn't do anything, Nick."

Nicky shrugged Trent off and stormed over to where Neal and Neil were until Peter's arm stopped him. "Listen to your father, Nicolas."

Neal jumped up to become a blockade as Nicky reacted very strongly and shoved Peter's arm out of the way. "My dad's been hurt enough!" he screeched. Neal was trying to get him away from Neil. "You don't know him or anything he's been through! You don't deserve to be here if all you're gonna do is hurt him!"

"God damn it, Nicolas," Neal snapped. "He didn't do anything to me." He strong-armed his son into the dining room and Nicky shoved him away. "You calm the hell down right now or you're grounded."

Peter crouched near Neil. "Neal's okay. He just… He's hurting a little bit. He's not mad at you and neither am I." Neil looked at Peter with tears in his eyes, glancing at the entranceway to the dining room. Trent was standing on the other side, watching his best friend and the man he considered a father.

The twins were wailing and Peter moved to comfort them once he was positive Neil wasn't going to run off. "Look at what you did," Neal said angrily. "You scared your little brother and sister by yelling the way you did." Nicky glared up at his father. "Do I look like I'm hurt, Nick?" He waited until Nicky actually looked him over and Nicky shook his head. "Then listen to me. Neil didn't hurt me. I'm _fine._ I had a moment where I couldn't help myself, but it wasn't Neil's fault, all right?" Nicky's expression softened a bit and Neal heaved a sigh of relief once he realized his son was calmer. "I _know_ you're very sensitive to anything and everything that happens to me, Nick. That doesn't mean you should immediately attack someone you think is a threat to me."

"I'm sorry, dad," the teenager whispered, stepping forward to gently hug his father. Neal returned the embrace without hesitation. Nicky glanced behind Neal and saw Neil standing behind Peter, looking very frightened and apologetic.

"I think you need to apologize to Neil, too, Nick."

Peter looked up at their son after getting the babies to calm down. He glanced over his shoulder to see Neil balling his hands into fists, trembling in fear. "Neil, Nicky isn't going to hurt you."

Nicky stopped on the other side of the coffee table across from Neil. "I'm sorry for accusing you of hurting my dad. Can you forgive me?" He felt genuinely sorry when he looked at Neil. He could see _something_ in the way the kid was acting. He glanced at his poppa for a moment and caught the way Peter was looking at Neil. In that moment, he had a theory as to _why_ Neil was staying with him and it made him think about the times his father went into hysterics. He may not have witnessed certain things, but he'd heard Neal become hysterical with Peter in their bedroom on occasion. Neil acted the same way as his father, so he immediately assumed Neil was beaten, raped, or forced to listen to one or the other.

"Yeah," Neil whispered.

Neal glanced over at Mozzie who stood beside Trent. He gave Mozzie a look that explained Neil's situation and Mozzie understood. "Come here," Nicky said softly, moving around the table. Neil flinched when Nicky stood in front of him. He looked so afraid of the other teenager even as Nicky slowly pulled him in for a hug.

Peter and Neal shared a small smile then.

•◊•

Neal was struggling to stay awake as he laid his head on his husband's thigh. Peter's arm was draped over him, holding his hand and he was so warm. They were watching a movie with the teens after putting the twins to bed. He'd fed them pieces of bananas and then he and Peter played with them for a little while after dinner. Peter got Brie to stand up a couple times and they both hoped that sparked some incentive in Joey. After all of the hype died down a bit, Neal took the three teenagers out. He bought them all some new clothes—Trent just for the hell of it—and then dropped Trent off at home before taking the other two home with him.

He glanced at the other couch, smiling a little. Nicky and Trent were being very kind to Neil now. They had him sitting between them and Nicky had his arm around Neil. He chuckled a bit when Peter messed with his hair. "Glad you woke up, sleeping beauty," he whispered. Neal closed his eyes, letting himself feel only Peter's hands.

"What time is it?" he asked quietly.

"Quarter to ten, honey."

Neal moaned and rubbed his eyes. "I think it's time for bed, boys." He pushed himself up and was startled by a sudden kiss from Peter—pleasantly startled. "Mm. I want some more kisses when we get to bed," he whispered. Peter smiled at him. The older man knew they weren't going to make love, but that didn't mean they couldn't make out. Neal was exhausted and Peter understood. Neal taxed himself emotionally after all of the day's events. Killing Vincent, rescuing and caring for Neil, coming home… He really couldn't blame Neal for being tired and he was glad Neal called June to ask her to take over _Neal's Net_ for the evening, promising her that he'd be there tomorrow.

Neil and Nicky didn't move. Nicky was genuinely stubborn when he didn't want to go to bed and Neil was just following his lead because he wanted Nicky to like him. "Nick, listen to dad." Nicky sighed and rolled his eyes as he leaned forward to grab the remote. "I saw that," Peter said, warning in his tone. Nicky's cheeks heated up as he turned the movie off. "Go get ready for bed. I think dad took Neil's toothbrush upstairs and put it in the bathroom already." He glanced at Neil. "You heading up with him or do you need a few minutes to yourself?"

Nicky knew for sure that something was going on with the other boy just by how his parents were treating him. "I'll head up." Peter nodded, watching Neil jump off of the couch to follow Nicky upstairs.

"How are _you_ doing, my love?"

"I'm okay. I need you to help me with something before we go to bed if that's okay."

Peter gave his husband a sad smile. "I've already pulled the alcohol and cotton balls out, hon."

Neal laughed lightly. "You know me so damn well."

The older man kissed his husband's hair, pushing himself off of the couch a moment later. He helped Neal up and they both went through the downstairs making sure everything was cleaned up and that all of the lights were off—including the game system downstairs since Nicky frequently forgot to save his games and turn it off.

As both of the older men were heading upstairs to tuck the boys in, Peter's phone rang. "Shit," he whispered.

"Go answer it, love. I'll put the boys to bed." He kissed Peter and let Peter rush back downstairs to grab his phone. He didn't linger on the stairway, giving his husband a little bit of privacy. Peter was trustworthy. He always told Neal about the phone calls and he'd even explained the picture of the man Neal found in their bedroom long ago. That man was someone he'd suspected in one of his cases and it turned out to be a false suspicion, so he'd gotten rid of the picture and Neal questioned him about it upon seeing him toss it into the trash.

"Hey, daddy," Nicky said happily when Neal walked into his room.

Neal smiled. "Hey, baby." Nicky was just pulling his pajama shirt on as Neal sat down on Nicky's bed. "Thank you for being nice to Neil. He's really scared and he's really going to need you. I'm sorry for putting this on you, but you're pretty good at making friends with other kids."

Nicky nodded. "What happened to him? Why is he so scared?"

His father frowned, looking at him warily. "We found him with Vincent earlier today." Nicky's eyes widened. "He thinks he was there for at least a week."

"Oh, my God. Dad, why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Because I know he doesn't want all of the attention. He's the same way as I am. I don't want to put the spotlight on him and make him uncomfortable, Nick."

Nicky nodded. "I guess that makes sense. I'm curious though. Why is he with us instead of his family?"

"We tried to find them earlier. Obviously, we had no luck. You know I wouldn't put him out on the streets."

The teenager scooted closer to his father, hugging him. "You're everyone's dad," he whispered, "because you care about kids so much even if they aren't yours." Neal smiled, rubbing his son's back. "You may be everyone's dad, but you're _my_ daddy. My and the babies' daddy."

Neal chuckled, kissing his son's hair. "I'll always be your daddy just like you'll always be my baby."

Nicky kissed his father before playfully kicking Neal to get him off of the bed. Neal laughed and got up, pulling the blanket back so he could tuck Nicky in. "Will you always tuck me in, dad?"

"If you want me to, you know I'm happy to." Nicky nodded, smiling up at Neal as Neal tucked the blanket in around him like he always did. He met his son's eyes and Nicky gave him a silly smile. Neal chuckled. "What?"

"You're just really awesome. I know I'm lucky to have you." Neal's lips parted. "I could have a dad who doesn't care about me or a dad who hates me and wants to abuse me. Some of my friends have dads like that, but I got lucky. I have a dad who loves me a lot."

Neal bent over to kiss Nicky's forehead, stroking the side of his face for a moment while smiling softly at his son. "I'll always love you a lot, kiddo. Poppa's my husband, but you're my first love," he said with a wink. Nicky grinned at him, knowing what his father meant. "Get some sleep, baby boy. I love you."

"Night, daddy. Tell poppa I said good night."

"Poppa will come in here and say good night himself," Neal teased. He glanced over at the doorway and whispered, "He really loves that you kiss and hug him before letting him go to bed, too. That means a lot to him, Nick." Nicky smiled. He liked making his fathers happy and he especially liked making Peter happy because Peter keeps Neal happy.

Neal stepped out after exchanging another 'good night' with his son. He headed into the guestroom to find Peter standing in the room already. Peter turned to look at him, looking excited for whatever reason. Neal knew Peter would tell him why. Neil was sitting on the bed, looking up at the two men. "Now that you're finally here, I have great news." Neal glanced at the teenager and then back at his husband who nodded. Peter turned to Neil and said, "You're completely clean, Neil."

The younger man grinned as Neil jumped off of the bed and ran over to Peter, hugging him tightly. "No diseases or any of that stuff?"

"Nope," Peter confirmed. "You're completely clean, kiddo, which is really lucky." He met Neal's eyes and gave the younger man a sympathetic look. Neal shook his head and Peter looked down as Neil moved away and turned to hug Neal. "You can rest easy tonight."

"Oh, crap." Peter looked at Neal concernedly. "I have to get your medicine. One sec." He gently separated himself and Neil before heading downstairs to grab the prescription bag. He took it into the kitchen and measured out the exact dosage the doctor told him to give Neil and mixed it in with some water. Feeling more and more tired by the second, he went back upstairs quickly. "Here ya—" Peter was holding Neil and Neil was crying against him. Peter looked at him and mouthed 'needed to let all the fear out.' Neal nodded and let his husband soothe the teen. He knew he took over when it came to children, so he let Peter have the torch for once.

"Neal brought your medicine upstairs. Is it okay if I give it to you?"

Neil nodded and sat back to rub his eyes a bit. Neal handed the glass to Peter and Peter gave it to Neil with a small smile on his face as he did so. Neil drank the whole glass before handing it back to Neal. "Thank you both," he whispered. "You're both awesome dads. Kind of wish I didn't have to leave you guys someday."

Neal and Peter shared a sad look that Neil didn't see because he'd been rubbing his eyes. Neal didn't want to see Neil out on the streets one day. He knew how that felt, too. Before finding Mozzie, Neal had been on the streets for roughly a year and a half.

Both of the older men tucked Neil in and Peter went to say good night to their son before heading into their bedroom together. Neal stripped down to his lingerie as soon as he closed the door and headed into their bathroom. Peter followed him and helped him clean the scar on his thigh because he knew how paranoid Neal was about it. Afterwards, Neal climbed into their bed and laid on his stomach. Peter crawled over to him after stripping down to his briefs. He straddled Neal's waist and rubbed the younger man's back, leaning forward to plant occasional kisses between Neal's shoulder blades and up the back of Neal's neck. He tentatively touched Neal's scar while rubbing Neal's skin. "God. If this were anyone else, they wouldn't be allowed to sit on my ass and rub me." Peter snickered, kissing Neal's left shoulder. "It feels really good and it's even better knowing that it's you."

"I'll always love you properly. I know how afraid you are of having anyone behind you."

Neal smiled, closing his eyes. "You've never been like that," he whispered. "I trust you in every single way."

Peter was touched by that. He slid his hands across Neal's broad shoulders and then down his arms until he was able to grasp Neal's hands. "If you don't like things I'm trying out on you, you'll tell me, right?" Neal nodded. "I want to hear you say that."

"If I don't like things you're doing to me, I _will_ tell you, Peter Michael," he said, his voice sounding sure and strong. Peter accepted that and tentatively pulled Neal's left arm back, bending it over Neal's back. He glanced at his husband's face before leaning forward to kiss his way up Neal's arm starting with his palm. He went sideways to Neal's elbow and up to his shoulder. Neal's brows furrowed a bit as he wondered what Peter was doing. He kept his eyes closed so he could just _feel,_ but he had no idea what Peter had in mind. He'd been fine up until Peter decided to pull his right arm back as well. His eyes flew open and he wrenched his arms out of Peter's grip in a panic, gasping for breath. "Don't do that."

Peter's eyes widened and he apologized, leaning forward to kiss Neal's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

Neal nodded, glancing over his shoulder. Peter looked like he felt terrible and Neal sighed. "I get that you're into the 'worship my husband's body like a god' thing, but don't ever pull both of my arms behind me like that."

"It'll never happen again," Peter said sincerely. He slid off of Neal and laid on his stomach beside him. "That was pretty selfish of me. I shouldn't have done that." Neal gave him a small smile and Peter frowned. "I should've thought about what I was doing and looked at the repercussions of it. This was an obvious mistake on my part and I'm truly sorry."

"It's okay. I know you won't do something twice if I tell you to stop," Neal said softly. "Don't beat yourself up about it." Peter was quiet for a few moments and Neal shifted over, laying his head on Peter's chest. He draped his arm over Peter's torso and pulled the blanket up to cover them before closing his eyes. "I've told you that I trust you with my heart, my life, my body, and my son. You earned my trust, Peter. I know you aren't sadistic. If I ask you to stop, you don't even hesitate to move away from me or immediately stop what you're doing. I appreciate that more than you know."

Peter pulled Neal closer and kissed his hair. "I love you too much to keep doing something that hurts you," he whispered. "You're my priority. Sexual urges or other things similar to that are nothing in comparison to how important you are to me."

They whispered their love for each other before cuddling. Neal absently stroked Peter's chest and Peter traced the scar on Neal's back. This amongst Neal's other scars was the reminder that Neal was delicate and should be treasured. He'd been hurt too much over the course of his life and Peter didn't want to add any lasting physical or emotional scars to Neal. Neal's heart and body suffered through everything he was forced to do. Peter could help those things, but scarring Neal's mind would be different. If he hurt Neal so badly that Neal was instinctively afraid of him, he knew he'd never be able to mend that.

He kissed Neal's hair again and thanked Neal's God for creating Neal. He believed that God was cruel for letting so many horrible things happen to Neal, but he made Neal and helped him survive. If Neal hadn't been born or if he'd been killed, Peter realized he never would have met his soulmate. He didn't want to imagine living without this man and their family. He didn't want to change anything about this life for either of them because who knows if they'd be together if things were different? He didn't want to find out if he'd have met his husband under different circumstances or not. He's perfectly content with his life and Neal seems like he is, too, so Peter figured he's been doing _something_ right and he wanted it to stay that way.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: There is a brief minor/adult sexual encounter. It is **_**not**_** explicit, but it's there.**

Neal glanced over his shoulder to briefly look at the man writing down everything that was being said word for word. He was being drilled by their superiors for his actions when they'd rescued Neil several days ago. "On what grounds do you believe you were justified in immediately murdering the assailant without making an attempt to arrest him?"

He leaned forward so he could speak clearly to the investigators in front of him. "Vincent Adler was my stepfather. He's a registered and known sex offender and that was proven a few years ago when I testified against him in court. He was convicted of raping me as a minor as well as abusing my son who was also a minor at the time of his kidnapping. As soon as I, Agent Peter Burke, and our CI entered the building, he was raping the teenager in front of us." Neal inhaled sharply, clasping his hands together tightly. "I will admit that my actions were wrong. I acted impulsively and went against protocol."

"You tampered with physical evidence."

"I know," Neal said firmly. "But if you'd seen him—"

He was cut off immediately. "As a member of the law enforcement, you should know how to properly go about situations like this." Neal's jaw clenched as he nodded. "Because of your impeccable reputation amongst the White Collar division and recommendations from your direct superiors in your division, all you are being given is a five week suspension." Neal closed his eyes, wishing he'd thought with his brain instead of his heart. He changed his mind and wished _they_ would think with their hearts. Damn the law, he figured, for damning him while he tried to help the kid who was still being raped the moment he'd barged into the farmhouse. "You are to give your badge and gun to your Assistant Special Agent-in-charge, you are not permitted to take part in open investigations, and you are forbidden from entering or nearing the premises of the FBI building for the duration of your suspension. Any violations of your suspension may result in more severe consequences."

They went on to tell him that his mental and emotional stability was being questioned as well as his ability to follow the rules. All he did was nod. He disliked these men because they seemed so cold and heartless. He assumed none of them were fathers and figured none of them would actually understand what it's like to deal with a teenager, and a teenage rape victim at that. He knew he should have followed protocol. Peter always did when it came to Neal, but Neal hadn't thought about his job. He thought about his duty to protect the teenager. Children, regardless of age, always came first in his book.

Peter hadn't been let into the room when they told him Neal was being interrogated. It scared the hell out of him to see that his husband was being surrounded by Reese's bosses and, the moment Neal came out of the interrogation room, Peter was there. "What'd they say?"

"I'm suspended for five weeks," Neal said angrily. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

Peter bit his lip. He hadn't been thinking properly either, but everything had been pinned on Neal because he'd directly interacted with Neil and he'd killed Vincent. There was no arguing that Neal was the shooter because it had been his gun and his bullet. "Neal, they have to understand to some extent that you—"

"I'm emotionally unstable is what they declared and I've been recommended to a psychologist that I _have_ to see twice a week for the next five weeks." Peter didn't know what to say to that. "I'm about ready to hand everything over and just walk away from this job. What kind of bullshit is this? They weren't there to see how much pain he was in and how disgusted he was with himself." He turned and gestured at the room the investigators were still sitting in even though he couldn't see them anymore. "I'm tempted to walk back in there and ask if they'd like pictures taken of them after being raped."

The older man had no intention of turning on his husband, but he knew they were going to have a full-fledged argument at some point over this. "Neal, we should have taken pictures for proof. You were…emotionally invested in—"

"_You're_ turning against _me?_" Neal asked incredulously. "God damn it, Peter." He pulled his gun out of the harness beneath his suit jacket and unclipped his badge from his belt and shoved them at his husband. "Give them to Reese. I'll have my resignation for you to take to him in the morning. I'm fed up with this federal bullshit."

"Neal, think about this before you do something impulsive," Peter warned.

"I'm already impulsive, Peter! I don't belong here. All I am is a liability. The only thing I'm good for here is taking the brunt of the damage. I'm a perfect whore for our marks, too." He gritted his teeth, breathing heavily. "I'm resigning whether you like it or not. I know you're bound by the law, but I can't follow in your footsteps. I couldn't just wait for them to take pictures of him. Do you know how much _worse_ that would have made things? Peter, if I'd had pictures taken of me after I'd been raped—at any point in my life—I know I would resent people who allowed or took pictures. Who the hell wants to look at someone bruised, battered, dirty, and violated?" Peter frowned at his husband. Neal wanted answers from Peter, but he knew Peter wasn't going to give him anything, so he shook his head, sighing exasperatedly. "I'm going home. Do me a favor and clean out my desk when you get back to the bureau. I'm done. I'll find a different job that doesn't involve fucking my morals for the law's sake."

"Neal, please," Peter pleaded, reaching out for Neal's arm.

Neal wrenched himself away from Peter. "Go to the bureau. I know you'd rather be there than with some dumb fuck who completely disregarded everything we were taught during college and at Quantico. Some top-class agent I am, huh? Bet you're wishing you'd never met me or asked to promote me past probie, aren't you?"

Peter shook his head and tried to kiss his husband, but Neal shoved him away. He didn't want to lose his husband over this, but Neal was very hostile and would be for a while. There was no way he'd stop Neal from leaving the FBI if that was what Neal wanted, but he didn't know how else Neal would get a job. Peter assumed that this case went on his record and he wasn't sure if that affected _Neal Burke_ or _Special Agent Neal Burke._ "Damn it, Neal," he said brokenly.

"I don't even want to look at you right now for siding with _them._" He waved dismissively at Peter as he took his leave without giving Peter the opportunity to say anything else. Peter felt horrible for abandoning his husband, but the men who'd interrogated Neal knew that Neal acted wrongly and Peter knew that as well. _Neal_ knew that.

He just hoped that the younger man calmed down and had a chance to think things over before doing something self-destructive.

•◊•

Neal threw his suit jacket onto the couch the moment he walked through the doorway to his home. "Emotionally invested," he muttered under his breath. "Go fuck yourself." He threw his empty Espresso across the room and just growled in fury, sitting on the coffee table with his head in his hands.

"Neal?"

"Yeah?" he said, trying to calm himself down. He wasn't doing a very good job of it and he'd frightened Neil.

Neil swallowed hard. "What's wrong?"

Neal shook his head. "Nothing. I just did some stupid things that got me into a lot of trouble. I'm quitting my job." Neil looked surprised when Neal lifted his head. "It's nothing you need to worry about, Neil. I just royally fu—" He cleared his throat. "I screwed up really badly and Peter agrees with them."

"Is it because of me?" Neal hesitated. He wasn't _blaming_ Neil. It wasn't Neil's fault. It was his own fault for acting irrationally. "You can tell me. I heard you and Peter kinda arguing this morning before you left for work."

"It isn't _because_ of you. I didn't act the way I was supposed to when I rescued you. There were things I should have done that I didn't do and things I did, but shouldn't have done. I'm a murderer according to them because I killed _him_ without justification—whatever the _fuck_ their definition of justification is in this instance."

Neil bit his lip. "If it's any consolation, Vincent had pictures." Neal's attention snapped directly to the teenager who was now standing in front of him. "He…said he was going to photoshop someone into them later. Now that I know your story, he was probably talking about you."

Neal waved it off, sighing. He shuddered at the thought that Vincent kept thinking about him for over twenty years. Neal never once loved that man and he wasn't sure if Vincent was capable of love after the way he'd treated his stepson and wife. "It's too late for me to do anything now. I don't have a badge for the next five weeks."

Neil gave the older man a bit of space, knowing Neal was in a terrible mood and definitely needed time alone. He felt so guilty, feeling like he'd just destroyed Neal's career. Neal was so good at it in his opinion and he worked hard for nothing.

The house was quiet since the babies were napping and Neil assumed Neal went to sleep as well. Sleeping was a decent escape from reality as far as Neil was concerned and he wouldn't be surprised if Neal thought it would work now. Neil felt like he needed to make up for messing up Neal's life, so he went upstairs to find the older man.

The teenager cautiously pushed Neal's bedroom door open to find Neal sleeping on his side on his bed. The intercom to the babies' room was on the mattress beside him and he was snoring quietly. "I'm so sorry," Neil whispered more to himself than to Neal. He felt disgusting, but decided he was going to go through with his apology. His apology wasn't going to be verbal and he sincerely hoped he'd make up for _some_ of his guilty conscious and Neal's rage.

He crawled onto Neal's bed and stared at Neal's face, biting his lip. He was hesitating because he wasn't sure what was good for Neal. Instead of waking Neal up and getting caught by just sitting there, he decided to act. Neil gently rolled Neal onto his back and moved to straddle the older man's waist. He was trembling as he leaned forward and pressed frantic kisses against Neal's face, focusing more so on kissing Neal's lips.

Neal was too unaware to know what was going on and Neil hoped it stayed that way. He wanted to make Neal feel better physically. Neil slid his own shirt off and tossed it down onto the bed beside Neal before carefully lifting himself to slide his new jeans off. His underwear came next and tears slid down his cheeks as he fumbled to unbutton and unzip Neal's pants. He had no idea what Neal was wearing for underwear, but he didn't care. He moved the fabric aside and slid down Neal's leg a bit.

Neil briefly looked up at the sleeping man before pulling Neal's cock out of his lingerie. He started sucking on the older man vigorously, hoping he was making a difference even if it were just a dream to Neal. After a few moments, Neal moaned, "Peter…" He kept moaning his husband's name until his eyes slowly started to open. Neil was licking the slit of Neal's cock just as Neal looked down at him. It took Neal a moment to realize what was happening. "Holy fuck!" he cried, moving away from the teenager quickly. He rolled right off of the bed and was fixing his clothing in a frantic rush. He turned once his pants were readjusted and stared at the teen incredulously, "Why in the holy fuck were you just doing that?"

"I owed you since I ruined your job," Neil whispered.

Neal shook his head. "Get your damn clothes on. Holy shit, Neil." He rushed out of his own bedroom and only made it halfway down the stairway before he sank to the floor and covered his mouth in horror while tears streamed down his face. That was _not_ something he ever wanted, willing or unwilling, and he had no idea why Neil felt compelled to make it up to him in _that_ way.

He looked down at himself and was immediately repulsed. He'd just gotten a blowjob from a thirteen year old and he'd _almost_ ejaculated only because he thought it was his husband. "Neal," Neil whispered a little ways behind the older man. "Are you okay?"

"Dear, God. What the hell makes you think I'm okay? I somehow managed to guilt you into giving me a God damn blowjob. That's like asking my _son_ to blow me." He shuddered and tried to think about something else. "I can't stay here now. I can't live with this. I just raped you while I was sleeping."

Neil shook his head. "You didn't do anything. It isn't like you had sex with me."

"Oral sex is still sex," Neal said bitterly. "I'm a rapist," he said brokenly, covering his face with his hands. He was beginning to hyperventilate. All of this seemed and felt so wrong to him. Even now, he didn't want to make Neil finish what he'd started. Part of him questioned his own declaration that he was a rapist because he felt nothing but remorse for acting childish to make Neil feel guilty. He hadn't intended on making Neil feel that way and he honestly didn't even realize that he had. He didn't think he could ever ejaculate again after this because it would feel sick. "I'm so sorry, Neil," he said as he began to sob.

Neal got up suddenly and raced down the stairs, grabbing his phone. "What are you doing?"

"I'm reporting myself. I'm not going to—"

"No! Don't!" Neil pleaded. "Neal, please. You didn't do anything. You didn't even move subconsciously."

He lunged at Neal, grabbing the phone before Neal could make his call. "Neil, stop!"

"You stop!"

In the end, Neal's repulsion got the best of him and he let Neil win while he rushed into the kitchen to empty his stomach. He'd never wanted this to happen and it did. He just sat on the floor, holding his stomach with one arm while covering his mouth with his other hand. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. He hadn't known who to go to when he'd been raped as a teenager and he didn't know what to do now that _he_ had raped a teenager. Neil didn't see it that way, but _Neal_ did.

He had no idea how to even begin explaining this to his husband without Peter giving him such a look of disgust. Peter never looked at him that way before, but that was well before Neal had a teenager suck his dick.

•◊•

Peter went home around lunchtime to see if he could make amends with his husband. He'd been expecting things to be quiet, but he heard Neil sobbing upstairs. His brows furrowed and he began to wonder where his husband was. Neal's Corvette was in the driveway and he was always very attentive when it came to children. Peter knew he wouldn't neglect Neil and Neal had the twins here, too. He was responsible for all three of the kids since Mozzie left mere moments after Neal came home. "Neil?"

"Peter," Neil said, running out of the guestroom to meet Peter at the stairs. "You need to go in your room and see if he's okay. I'm afraid to go in." He started rubbing his eyes. "He's been in there for a long time.

His heart raced as he finished climbing the stairs and immediately ran into his bedroom. The genuine fear in Neil's eyes and voice scared the hell out of him. What the hell happened in the hour and a half Neal had been home alone?

He stared in horror as his eyes followed a trail of blood that started at the foot of their bed and continued into the bathroom. He felt sick and part of him was beginning to consider that Neal killed himself. His stomach wanted to lurch at the sight of the trail, but he heard a faint noise coming from their bathroom. If Neal killed himself, he hoped to God Neal hadn't hung or strangled himself in the bathroom. It was very possible and he didn't know if he could stomach that sight.

The moment he pushed the bathroom door open, he could hear Neal's quiet sobs. For a split second, he was relieved. Then he looked down at the floor and his heart ached. Neal was sitting in their bathtub, surrounded by his own blood. He held a razor in his right hand and began cutting into his hip. "Neal!" he pleaded, reaching over in an attempt to take the razor. Neal screeched at him as Peter removed the razor from his husband's hand. Peter threw the razor across the room and got into the bathtub with his husband.

Neal had reopened Craig's name on his thigh and added 'rapist' to his lower leg. He prayed that that wouldn't be embedded into Neal's skin and was relieved when he realized it wasn't deep enough to scar. "I raped him," Neal murmured repeatedly, sounding like he was stuck in a loop.

"Neal, you didn't rape anyone." Neil hadn't said anything about that. He was just concerned about Neal and he seemed too afraid to consider checking on the older man himself. Peter understood that part, but he didn't understand _this._

Neal's eyes slowly moved to meet Peter's. "He was sucking my dick," he hissed. "I almost came in his fucking mouth, Peter."

Peter shivered at how hardened Neal's eyes were. "Who?"

"Neil." Peter stared at his husband in surprise. "I went to take a nap because I was pissed off with you and the bureau and the law and I was dreaming about you sucking on me. I thought you were doing it because it felt so damn real, so I managed to wake up and there he was. He was completely naked and sucking me. I raped him."

Peter shook his head. "Honey, no. You didn't rape him," Peter whispered. He looked down at his husband's naked body and panicked as blood began to soak through the knees of his own dress pants. "Jesus Christ. Neal, you're going to kill yourself." Neal nodded slowly and Peter was absolutely stunned. He stared at his husband incredulously and his heart felt like it was breaking. "Don't you dare leave me!" Peter whispered fiercely. "You promised me you wouldn't leave me alone, Neal."

Neal was shaking his head, sobbing simultaneously. "Please kill me," he pleaded. "I'm a monster."

The older man pulled Neal close, cradling his head. He kissed Neal's forehead as tears slid down his own face. "Neal, no. I need to get you to a hospital before you bleed out and die."

"I could have killed myself quickly," Neal said, gasping for breath. "I looked up where to cut to kill myself, but I deserve this. I need to suffer for what I did."

Peter tried begging Neal to calm down and he tried to persuade Neal to go to the hospital with him. As soon as he realized Neal passed out, he ran out and grabbed a blanket, heading back into the bathroom to wrap his husband up in it. "Neil, I'm taking him to the hospital. I'll call Mozzie from the car. Please, promise me you won't hurt yourself or leave."

Neil stared in horror at Neal's body. He couldn't see all of the damage, but seeing the blood on Neal's neck and face as well as Peter's clothing was enough.

Six hours after taking Neal to the hospital, Peter was let into Neal's room. They told him Neal was awake and asking for him. The long wait nearly gave him a stroke because he didn't know if he'd go in to find his husband in bandages or if he'd see him in a body bag. He hoped he'd never have to see the latter of the two. "Peter," Neal breathed when his husband came into the room.

"I'm so pissed at you right now," Peter said as another tidal wave of tears came over him. "How could you do this to yourself? To our family? To _me?_" He swallowed hard, staring at his husband angrily. He should have been happy to see Neal looking a hell of a lot better than he had looked earlier, but he wished he'd gone home to find his husband sitting on the couch or laying down in their bed angrily, not sitting in a pool of his own blood in their bathtub.

Neal nodded as Peter stopped a few feet away from the bed. "I overreacted," Neal whispered, "and I am so sorry. I'm not going to beg for your forgiveness because I don't deserve it." Peter glared as he rubbed his eyes. "Peter, try to imagine how I felt when I woke up to find Neil blowing me. After everything I've been through—everything he's been through, seeing him like that was wrong. It felt like you at first. When I opened my eyes…"

Peter crossed his arms over his chest. "So you tried to end your life?"

Neal gave him a pleading look. "You should understand," he whispered brokenly. "You know what I've endured. I was thirteen when Vincent coerced me into letting him fuck me. When he started forcing me to blow him, I hadn't wanted or liked it." He shuddered and tears pricked at his eyes. "Neil didn't like what he was doing, but he felt like he had to do it and that's the part that's killing me right now, Peter." Peter gave him a confused look. "I was so furious when I went home and he blamed himself. His guilt made him do what he did."

"You know how much I love you," Peter said angrily, "but I have never wanted to hit you until now. You're a God damn fool." Neal's eyes watered and he nodded. "You should have known you weren't at fault for what he did, yet you nearly killed yourself. What if I hadn't come home until later? I wouldn't have gone home for at least four more hours if I didn't stop by to have lunch with you."

The younger man breathed shakily. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know I'm stupid. I know what _I_ did was wrong."

"And now you're under suicide watch for the remainder of this week." Neal gave him a stunned look. "I don't give a fuck if you don't like it. You're the love of my life and our children's daddy. How the hell could you, in your right mind, make such an impulsive decision to leave our _three_ kids? Do you know how hard it would be to explain to them that you committed suicide? Do you know what they would think, Neal? They would blame themselves even though they never had the chance to get to know you." Neal was frightened the moment Peter surged forward and gripped the arm on the side of the bed tightly. Peter's knuckles were white and Neal was glad Peter wasn't touching him. "How could they believe that you loved them if you killed yourself? You'd abandon Nick and our babies, Neal. God damn you for being so inconsiderate of their feelings. Nick would be heartbroken and lost without you in his life, Neal. You're his father—his _real_ father. The twins wouldn't have been able to spend time with you like Nick did. They'd look at him and see how destroyed he is and they'd wonder why he looked that way. _Nick_ would feel like he was at fault. Even after all of these months, he still blames himself for what happened in that farmhouse when you were both taken away."

Neal was sobbing quietly as he stared at his husband. He heard and understood everything the older man said to him and he knew every word of it was true. "P-Peter," he whispered brokenly.

Peter shook his head and he looked like he wanted to grab Neal's throat and strangle him. Part of him felt like hitting Neal at least once, but his rational side realized that that was uncharacteristic of himself. He'd seen Neal at his best and his worst and he'd stayed with Neal all of this time, through everything. Despite being as angry as he is, he could never bring himself to hit Neal. Not even once. "And fuck you, Neal George, for promising me you wouldn't leave me. Doing this broke that promise."

Peter knew he was being brutal, but he was angry and hoped to God Neal was getting the point. Neal's hands shook as his right hand covered his left for a moment. Peter looked down to see Neal holding his wedding ring out for him to take. "I don't deserve you," Neal whispered, his lips trembling. "Leave me and take them. I don't deserve you or our kids. I'm such a bastard."

The older man sighed heavily and shook his head. He took Neal's wedding ring and then Neal's left hand. He slid the ring back onto Neal's finger and intertwined their fingers. "I am so pissed off and I'm going to be pissed off for a while, but I need you, Neal. Call me a fool for wanting you, but I want you. When you aren't like _this,_ you're such a beautiful man." He saw the regret in Neal's eyes. "If you die, I'm nothing but a shell of myself. I can't live without you here, Neal. I can't father our kids alone. You are _so_ much better at this parenting thing than I am."

"Obviously not," Neal said, gesturing at himself.

Peter shut his eyes tightly and kissed Neal's knuckles. "You are, Neal. I promise you we'll work through this. I'm _not_ letting you leave us."

•◊•

Peter brought Neal, Nicky, and Neil home after spending a couple of hours at _Neal's Net._ The older man compromised with the doctors at the hospital and said Neal could be under suicide watch in their own home. Mozzie was the first to offer to watch him and Peter was grateful to the short man. Peter had no idea how Neal could be such a destroyed man who'd planned on committing suicide one moment and a man who guided children through their struggles after listening to them tell their whole story without interruption.

"Are you going to talk to me?" Neal whispered, looking at his husband after they'd gotten into their home. Peter hadn't said very much to Neal since getting him discharged. Nicky and Neil noticed the tension between them and Nicky caught Neal staying a distance away from Neil now.

"You gave me such a fantastic night for my birthday and for our anniversary not too long ago," Peter said quietly. "Were you putting on a show then and for the kids tonight?"

Neal's eyes widened and filled with pain. "No. I genuinely felt the way I did and acted like myself. I wouldn't lie to you, especially not on your birthday or our anniversary, and I wouldn't mislead the kids."

"Prove it to me then, Neal. Show me that you actually want to be here. Whether it's being here with me or with our kids, that doesn't matter. Just show me that you want to be alive."

The younger man nodded. "I will, Peter." He tentatively stepped closer to his husband, seeing the hostility in Peter's eyes. Shutting his own eyes, he took the last few steps and slid his arms around his husband's torso. "I have a very poor way of expressing my love for you," he whispered, "but I love you so much, Peter. I want to be here with you." He was relieved when Peter's arms enveloped him and Peter kissed his neck. "If not for you, I wouldn't have a home to call my own or a family to cherish. I'd have Nicky and Moz, but I'd have no one to love me the way you love me." He buried his face into the crook of Peter's neck and breathed heavily. "I meant it when I said I don't deserve you. I'm truly fortunate to have you, Peter Michael."

"Do you remember the vows we made to each other on our wedding day?" Neal nodded against Peter and Peter rested his hands on Neal's lower back. "I promised to protect and love you, Neal, and I intend on doing so even if I have to protect you from yourself. I promised you I'd faithfully stand at your side, Neal."

Neal nodded and breathed shakily as he said, "I promised I'd never leave your side." Peter kissed Neal's cheek, nuzzling their noses a moment later.

The two went upstairs and closed their bedroom door. Nicky was a little lost and Neil was a wreck that Nicky was trying to console. He wouldn't tell Nicky what was wrong, so Nicky tried to take his mind off of it. He knew his parents went upstairs, so he'd keep Neil away from them for a little bit because they seemed like they needed space.

Peter stared at his husband as Neal stood in the doorway of the bathroom. Peter had managed to clean up the bloodstains in their bedroom area, but he left the bathroom as it was so _Neal_ could see the damage he'd done from Peter's perspective. "Neal," he said quietly.

He'd been hoping Neal might just clean it up instead of lingering on the sight of it. "Just…give me a minute," Neal whispered. Peter wasn't trying to torture his husband with this and he realized that he'd done just that. Neal's guilt was eating him alive like it always did when he angered or upset Peter.

Peter shook his head and crossed the room. He wrapped his arms around Neal and kissed the nape of his neck. "For as frustrating and concerning as our relationship is at times, I love you more than life," Peter told him.

"Sometimes, I really wish you didn't. Like right now. I'm looking at my own blood as it's drying or draining in the bathtub. The floor is a disaster and—oh, look. He moved away from Peter and found the razor he'd used, holding it up for Peter to see. "This is bloody and my skin is in the blade." He threw it into the garbage and sighed heavily. "Maybe we should just split up. I'm doing destructive things for destructive reasons and I can't live with myself knowing I'm dragging you and the kids down."

"Going it alone is more destructive than anything you could do here," Peter said fiercely. "I can come home to you and try to help you or take care of you. If you're alone, I can't—"

"We're both grown men," Neal snapped. "Looking at this mess makes me question myself. I truly believe I'm insane or on the brink of becoming insane. How the hell can anybody love me?" He slid his sleeves up his arms, looking at them critically. "I'm never going to be able to sleep beside you and feel comfortable in my skin because I'm constantly destroying it. Yeah, I know there are some scars that aren't my fault entirely, but these… These are self-inflicted. I can't walk around with my shirt off or with a short-sleeved shirt now because I don't want Nicky to know that I did this to myself."

Peter shook his head. "These will heal if you leave them alone," Peter said softly.

He unintentionally found himself staring at Neal's clothed thigh and Neal caught his gaze, following it to figure out what was on Peter's mind. "I'm branded with Craig's name, Peter. That's never going to go away. It's so painful even when it's healing. Now that I've reopened it, it'll hurt a hell of a lot more." Neal closed his eyes and Peter wanted nothing more than to cross the room and pull Neal into his arms tightly. "They both branded me. Craig's is physical and able to be seen. Vincent left scars that you can't see."

"Then let me leave my mark on you," Peter whispered. Neal opened his eyes and gave his husband a look of question. "We need something special that's us. I haven't thought about it much, but… Around my birthday, I considered going out to get a tattoo." Neal raised an eyebrow. He never thought he'd see the day where Peter Burke wanted a tattoo. "I want your name on my body. There's never going to be another man in my life if you leave me. _You_ are the one I'm in love with and I'll always be in love with you." Neal was giving him such a sad look and it was hurting his heart to see that on the younger man's face. "No one is perfect, Neal. You have your own set of flaws—same as I do. What makes you perfect to _me_ is that you accept them. You live with your flaws and I know you'll work to overcome and overwhelm them."

Neal shook his head. "Nothing—not a single thing—about me is perfect. My body is scarred, my mind is beyond fucked, and I'm not sure if I'm even meant to be this person. What if I'm not meant to be—?"

"I don't care," Peter said painfully. "You can think whatever you like and make yourself believe you're worth nothing. If you were worth nothing, why do I care so much about you? Why do I love you so much?" He moved towards the younger man and was surprised when Neal allowed him to caress his face. "You're my Neal," he whispered. "I'm happy with you." Neal started to mutter something about Peter having a distorted illusion of what happiness is and Peter silenced him. "If you look beyond moments where you've hurt yourself, where I've hurt you, or where you've hurt me, then you should see the moments where we express our love for each other openly. Neal, I see so much good in you. When you're with kids, you are the most caring man I have ever seen. You've always put their needs above yours."

"And look where that got me. I'm quitting my job because I'm such a '_good_' person."

"No. You're quitting because you're an idiot," Peter said, sighing. Neal felt like he should be slightly offended by that, but Peter wasn't being bitter and he wasn't angry when he said it. "Neal, you're human. So you didn't follow protocol… Neal, you've changed a boy's life."

Neal shook his head. "Yeah and I got a free blowjob that I didn't even want out of it," he muttered. "I should just become a stay-at-home kind of dad and shut the world out."

Peter gripped Neal's shoulders firmly. "No. That's not the kind of man you are." Neal frowned. "I'm going to get you through this whether you want me to or not. I am not abandoning you—not even after everything I said to you at the hospital." Neal stared into his husband eyes, seeing the truth in his chocolaty orbs. "Your life is not set in stone. Don't damn yourself for things you did or didn't do. Please, help me help you." The younger man's eyes drifted away from his husband's for a moment. As soon as he focused on the older man again, he nodded. "You and I," he said, gesturing between the two of them, "will talk to Neil. We aren't going to let this fester because I know you'll bottle things up until you overflow. I don't know how he is, but I'd prefer not to find out. I want us to fix this."

"Nothing can fix this," Neal whispered.

"With that attitude, you're right," Peter snapped. Neal seemed to shrink into himself and Peter sighed. "I know you're not the kind of man to just give up when things get rough. Honey, you've pulled through so much. I'm pretty sure we can handle talking to a teenager." He rubbed Neal's shoulders, staring into his husband's pained eyes. "Stop doubting yourself and everything around you," Peter begged him. "I _am_ in love with you and I _always_ will be. You _are_ a strong man. You _are_ a sweetheart. If you can't believe me when I say those things, I'm going to show you that _I'm_ right."

Neal tentatively rested his hands on his husband's hips. "Okay," he whispered, keeping his eyes locked onto his husband's. Peter gently pressed his forehead against Neal's and closed his eyes. He slid his arms around Neal's neck, holding him like this for a change. "I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong—and not just today," he added softly. "I know I can do better than this and I'm going to try."

"For me or for yourself?" Peter asked. That was a critical question. If Neal answered that it was for Peter, Peter may actually smack Neal upside the head and walk away from him. If Neal said he was doing this for himself, Peter would be proud of him and he'd encourage it.

"Myself," Neal said warily. Peter pecked Neal's lips and nodded. "Thank you, Peter, for staying with me. I know I've put you through—_still am_ putting you through hell, but it means so much to me that you're that in love with me."

Peter smiled a little. "Neal, I'll never call a moment I've spent with you '_hell._' I have voluntarily spent time with you for the past five years and I want to spend so many more years with you." Neal hugged Peter, holding onto him tightly. It didn't matter that his body was in pain because he'd done it to himself. He'd hurt Peter a lot more than himself and he owed Peter so very much. He breathed heavily as he kissed Peter's jaw. He knew he really fucked up and he planned on fixing this and his work situation.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: In case you're interested, the visual representation of the tattoo on Neal's back is on my deviantART page. The title of the image is "To Finally Be Free" and it, as of this moment, should be on the front of my page. I have a link to my page on my profile here.**

Neal raised an eyebrow as Peter made pained sounds. "Regretting this yet?"

The older man glared at his husband. "Never."

Peter was getting his tattoo done a month following his comment to Neal about it. The more thought he gave to it, the more he wanted to do it, so he managed to convince Neal to go with him. Neal was going to get two for himself and Peter knew one was going to be much more painful than the single tattoo Peter was getting.

He sucked it up while staring at his husband. This was absolutely worth it and he felt that they needed this. He was getting _NG_ tattooed on the left side of his chest and Neal was planning on getting _PM_ on the left side of his chest as well. Neal's second tattoo was symbolic of how far he'd come since he was thirteen. He'd drawn it himself earlier in the week and Peter loved it. It was a withering feather with small birds flying away from it as though they'd come out of it. He believed he'd freed himself partway by killing Vincent, so he felt inspired—even if the ramifications of it weren't all that wonderful.

By the time they were done with their tattoos, almost two and a half hours had passed. The initials on their chests were moderately quick. It was Neal's second tattoo that was taking longer. He was getting it on the left side of his back starting around the middle and curving up towards his left shoulder blade. He didn't want to get it over his scar, so he'd curved it a bit. Peter was watching the man put the tattoo into his husband's skin and it looked painful as hell.

Neal was rubbing his wedding ring in an attempt to keep himself relaxed. He didn't want to mess up what the artist behind him was doing. "Hey, Peter?" The older man made a sound of acknowledgement. "Do you think I deserve to get my badge back next week?"

Peter smiled a little. "Yeah, I do. It'll be nice to call you my Special Agent for Thanksgiving."

Neal rolled his eyes even though Peter couldn't see him doing it. "Are we hosting for your parents, heading up to your parents' place, or should I ask my dad if he wants to join us?"

This was the first time in a while that Neal acknowledged his father's existence and presence in their lives. "I think mom and dad said they wanted to come down to visit. Do you want to ask your dad to come over anyway?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to him since before…"

Peter nodded slowly. "I understand. He did stop by on your birthday. He said he had something for you, but he wanted to give it to you himself, so he has to come back at some point." Peter shrugged. "Maybe you should give him a call and see how he's doing. Our parents haven't seen each other in a long time."

"My _mother_ is not coming to Thanksgiving dinner," Neal said tightly.

"I didn't even think about asking her over," Peter said softly. "I know how you feel about her and I won't make you miserable. She's your mother. If you don't want her over, that's your choice and I respect it." He moved around to stand in front of his husband, giving him a wry smile. "And you know I feel the same way you do."

Neal nodded. "I do know that."

"James talked about Christmas last year and he seemed excited, so… Are you okay with having him over then?"

Neal's eyes widened. "Holy shit. I haven't told him about the twins." If the man behind him hadn't been tattooing him, he would have palmed his face and hunched over. "Wow. Some son I am. I didn't even tell my father that we had twins in March."

Peter gave him a sympathetic smile. "Well, you were kind of preoccupied."

The younger man scoffed. "That's one way of putting it."

Both men were quiet for a short while after that discussion and Peter understood why Neal had gotten quiet. Two days after the twins had been born, he and Nicky were taken. For two weeks, he suffered to protect his son. Upon coming back, he spent three weeks in a hospital bed. That was at the forefront of Neal's thoughts and concerns for quite some time and Peter neglected to mention Neal's birthday gift since he hadn't even been home for his birthday to begin with and he was far too concerned about Neal to even give the gift a second thought at the time.

When Neal's tattoo was finally completed, he felt relieved. The man gave them both care cream and told them how to take care of the tattoos for a little while since they were brand new before they paid him and he let them head out. "I bet you're glad we're together," Peter teased as he and Neal walked down the sidewalk to get to the Taurus. They'd parked a block away since there hadn't been any closer parking. "I'd like to see you take care of that on your own."

Neal rolled his eyes. "Oh, yes. I married you just so you'd be here to help me clean my tattoo every single day for the next few weeks," he said sarcastically.

Peter stopped them both and turned to face his husband. "You're beautiful, even when you're sarcastic." He gently pulled Neal's face towards his and kissed the younger man. Neal pressed himself against Peter, resting his hands on Peter's hips. Peter moaned a bit when Neal's hands slid around to the back and started rubbing his ass. The younger man raised an eyebrow while they were kissing.

When they parted, Neal whispered, "I didn't think you'd like me touching your ass."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't hesitate to try new things. You've always been good with your hands, baby." Neal chuckled. "All right. Let's head home, sweetheart. I feel really bad about leaving Mozzie with the twins and Neil so much."

Neal was quiet for a moment. "Moz doesn't mind watching Brie and Joey. He's their uncle and I know he loved watching Nicky when Nicky was little."

Peter nodded, taking his husband's hand. They continued walking down the sidewalk quietly until Peter asked, "Have you talked to Neil at all recently? You both apologized to each other, but you're still distancing yourself from him."

"I've already been accused of statutory rape once. I'd prefer to keep it that way." Peter was confused until Neal expanded. "I'm afraid that I'm going to do something that makes him snap. If he reports me to the police, only God knows how he could possibly twist everything that happened. No, I didn't participate because I was sleeping. No, it wasn't my fault. People won't care about what I have to say though."

"That isn't true."

"I'm an adult and he's a minor. He'd win against me especially because of the past accusation."

Peter unlocked the car on the passenger side and Neal got in. He went around to the other side and got in, inserting the key into the ignition. "You've never felt this way about kids before. Do you think he'd really twist this to blame you?"

Neal shrugged. "Trent was the prime example of that. Granted, he was being abused if he didn't listen to his father, but still. His word carried more weight than mine did. I'd never been around Trent before his fight with Nick and I definitely hadn't been around him until we arrived in court that day."

"Neal, I don't think he'd do that to you. You saved him from Vincent. He knows that you got into trouble for it, but he still looks up to you."

Peter was surprised by the distasteful sound Neal made. "Don't use that terminology. He was looking up at me while performing oral sex on me. I woke up and he was looking up at me."

"Wow. I didn't even look at it that way," Peter said quietly. "I'm sorry, honey."

"I think about things like this. They bother me, Peter," Neal whispered. "I haven't let you go down on me or even stroke me because I feel like I might come and believe he was the only reason I did."

Peter reached over to rub Neal's shoulder while he pulled out of their parking spot. "Neal, it's been weeks since all of this happened."

"It took months for me to let you make love to me again," Neal snapped. "It's hard for me to come back from something like this quickly. I still feel horrible."

"When we're making love?"

"No," Neal said, rubbing his eyes. He felt like crying and he didn't even know why. "I'm fine when we're together. I just… I see Neil and it's worrying me that I may be developing some kind of fetish for teenage blowjobs. I don't know what to do about it."

Peter's brows furrowed. "You're seeing him blow you?" Neal nodded. "If you enjoy what he does to you, then we may have a problem. What are you feeling when you're seeing him?"

Neal closed his eyes and sighed shakily. "I feel like a monster, Peter. I spent almost twenty years telling myself Vincent was a monster. At the time, he was." Peter slid his hand down Neal's arm until he was able to intertwine their fingers. "Craig is a demon and a monster combined. I'd rather have Vincent rape me than Craig because Vincent never hurt me externally. Occasionally, I bruised because I hit something by accident or I'd cut my lower lip by trying to break away from his kisses, but he took care of me while he was raping me." Peter squeezed Neal's hand. He wanted to say something to soothe his husband, but he realized this wasn't the right moment to do so. "He, like Craig, called me a slut or a whore and made other sexual comments. The difference is that Vincent wanted to kiss me while he was doing it and Craig never wanted that. Craig would bite me if I resisted. Vincent didn't rip my clothing to shreds. He kept them intact and even helped me dress myself when there were nights where I felt really drained or light-headed because of how often he wanted me and the fact that I wasn't getting enough sleep."

Peter looked at his husband when he stopped at a red light. Neal looked haunted and Peter wasn't sure if he should let Neal continue to reflect on his past this way. He knew that the rapes between Vincent and Craig were completely different in nature, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with allowing Neal to throw himself back to those times. "Honey, I understand," he said softly.

The younger man shook his head. Just as he began speaking again, the light changed. "I don't know what it was, but it felt different. I'm going to sound twisted when I say having sex with Vincent was better than Craig, but it's true. Craig didn't give a damn if he hurt me internally. I think he was addicted to making me bleed." Peter caught him rubbing his right thigh and wished Neal didn't have to live with this. "In some really sick and sadistic way, I think Vincent was being honest when he told me he loved me. He forced me to have sex with him, but he wasn't intent on killing me or inflicting excruciating pain. He actually acted like a lover would at times. There were some days when he was really pissed off and I could always tell because he thrust harder and he pinned my arms behind my back."

The older man nodded slowly. "Are you trying to compare yourself to them?"

"Yes," Neal admitted. "In addition to that, I never really…talked about what went on when all of this was happening. You know the basics and you saw the damage." Neal squeezed Peter's hand now, knowing his husband was sensitive to things that hurt Neal. "Twenty-four years ago, Vincent took my virginity from me. He scared me and it hurt a _lot._ Now that I actually took the time to reflect on it, I realize he never meant to brutally take me. No, he didn't use any lube, but he was still sympathetic. The first time he raped me, he made me look at him and he kissed me repeatedly, going so far as to kiss my tears away." Peter felt sick listening to this. He didn't want to imagine someone thirty or so years older than Neal loving Neal.

"He's still a monster," Peter whispered.

Neal nodded. "I'm not trying to say otherwise. He took something I could have given to you if he hadn't forced himself on me and if I hadn't been so desperate for love afterwards. Vincent was still rough with me sometimes, but he tried to be careful. He liked when I screamed or cried out and he…made me yell his name if I came." Neal shuddered, reliving those moments. "He jerked me until I came and it was humiliating. That bastard thought I enjoyed it. My body enjoyed it and responded to his stimulation, but _I_ didn't like it." Neal laughed mirthlessly. He was quiet for a few moments, losing himself in his reflections. "Wow. I just realized he actually did give a damn about me."

"What do you mean?"

"When Nicky and I were their captives, Vincent was the one who brought me something to eat and drink. I always gave it to Nick, but Vincent brought it to me. I don't think Craig knew about it because Craig liked that I was suffering. He fed Nicky only because I was doing what he wanted." Neal smiled sadly. "I don't know if he wanted to rape me and Nicky," he whispered. "He always made that threat that he'd rape my son if I didn't go willingly, but I don't think he'd ever actually do it. He knows that would hurt me and he didn't like doing that. When I was forced into sex with both of them, I was always looking at him and he was always kissing me or stroking my hair. Sometimes, when he was trying to please Craig, he'd bite my lip or tug on my hair roughly, but he didn't _want_ to hurt me."

Peter was really surprised by this. He hated Vincent for raping his husband as a teenager and as an adult, but what Neal was telling him made a little bit of sense to him. "Do you think he would have made you his lover if you'd stayed instead of running away?"

Neal shrugged. "I don't know. He might have." He rubbed his thumb over Peter's skin. "I think there were times when he considered freeing me because I caught him staring at me like he was in actual pain. He was putting on a show for Craig, but I think he was actually hurt deep down in that black hole he had for a heart." Neal glanced at Peter with tears in his eyes. "I wonder if he would have freed me at some point because he didn't like how brutal Craig was."

"I'm glad we didn't have to wait to see if he would have or not," Peter said, his voice sounding sad with a tinge of anger. "He hesitated for two weeks, Neal. I don't know if he would have sprung you out of there. For all we know, you might've died beforehand. You were very close when we came for you."

"I know."

•◊•

Peter kept his eyes on Neal as they ate dinner. Nicky and Neil were quiet while Neal fed Joey and Brie. Peter offered to help him, but Neal was adamant when he said he could do it himself. After earlier, Peter assumed Neal needed to do something to make himself feel better and taking care of his children was usually one of the answers. "Dad?" Neal glanced at Nicky. "After dinner, can I see your tattoo?"

"It's just poppa's initials," Neal said quietly.

"No. I mean the one on your back. You didn't show me the design before you went today."

Neal nodded slowly. "Yeah. I guess I could do that." His cuts were still healing, but he looked so much better now. Peter made sure Neal stopped messing with them if he caught Neal doing just that. Neal had a nervous habit of picking at his arms and Peter gently tried to let him know that he was hurting himself.

After Peter finished eating, he gathered up the boys' plates and his own. He asked Neal if Neal wanted to eat and was thrilled when Neal said he would. "I'll be right back," he said, leaning over to kiss Neal's temple before heading into the kitchen. He started rinsing the dishes and realized that Nicky had followed him into the kitchen. "Hey, buddy. What's up?"

"What's wrong with dad? Why is he being so distant?" Peter was quiet and Nicky knew what that meant. "Did he hurt himself?"

"No," Peter said softly. "He… He's just having a hard time coping with everything. His doesn't know if he wants to go back to the FBI next week or not." He reached out to stroke Nicky's hair. "Dad and I have been having some problems of our own that we're trying to work through when dad's cooperative. You know about what happened between him and Neil, right?"

Before Nicky could comment, Neal called out, "Love, can you get me a towel or something, please?" Peter's brows furrowed as he grabbed one of the towels they kept downstairs in their kitchen. As he walked into the dining room, he felt bad for his husband. Neal was covered in Brie's dinner after she'd already eaten it. "Thanks," he murmured, using it to wipe Brie's face off first since she'd spit up on herself as well.

"Honey, I can clean up down here if you want to change your clothes."

Neal smiled wryly. "Oh, no. I've learned not to change my clothes until they're _both_ done." Peter chuckled as Neal glanced up at him. "When Nick was a baby, he'd throw up twice on occasion." Nicky's face heated up as Neal smirked at him. Peter ruffled Nicky's hair. "I know what I'm doing," he teased.

Peter moved closer to kiss Neal's temple, whispering, "I've never doubted that."

After everyone finished eating, dinner was cleaned up, and the dishes were done, everyone went out into the living room. Nicky and Neil were on the couches and Peter and Neal sat on the floor. Neal was balancing Brie while she gripped one finger on each of his hands. She wobbled a bit, but she seemed like she was getting stronger. Joey was just being a lazy, little guy with Peter. "Is she gonna walk soon, daddy?"

"Maybe. You were walking around eight months, too." He kissed Brie's cheek. "Hey, little princess." She laughed beautifully and Peter knew Neal loved that. He got onto his knees and stood up a moment later, holding Brie's hands gently. "Let's see if we can make it over to poppa," he said animatedly.

Peter watched Neal as Neal leaned over their daughter a bit to help her slowly take steps towards him. Joey was watching his sister and started throwing a fit when Brie was actually coming closer to Peter. She stumbled a bit and Peter's hands reflexively flew out as if he were trying to catch her. Neal had her though and he caught the look Neal gave him. Peter always saw love in Neal's eyes when they were looking at each other, but he saw absolute adoration in Neal's eyes now. "C'mon, baby girl," Peter encouraged, holding his hands out as she came closer. Once she was within reach, Neal carefully let go of her and Peter picked her up, holding her in the air. "Look at you, big girl! You walked all the way over here with daddy!"

Neal's eyes lit up while he kept his gaze on his husband. Brie was giggling at Peter and both men couldn't help laughing when she drooled all over him. "Bet that was yummy," Neal said as he chuckled.

"I'm getting used to being drooled on. After all, I _do_ sleep beside a drool machine."

The younger man raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I do not drool that much."

Peter smiled a bit as he set Brie down on his lap. He started making baby sounds back at her like Neal always did. "Neal." Neal's heart leapt into his throat for a moment as he turned a bit to look at the teenager sitting beside his son and Peter rested a hand on Neal's stomach, keeping his eyes on the younger man. "Can I talk to you? Alone?"

"Go ahead, honey," Peter encouraged. Neal gave him a pained look. "Baby, you'll be fine," he added quietly.

Neal swallowed hard and glanced at Neil, nodding slowly. He got up and motioned for Neil to join him in the dining room. It was close enough to Peter and he felt moderately comfortable with that distance. If something were to happen, Peter would be able to act quickly and that relieved him. "What's up?" he asked as he took a seat. Neil sat in the seat beside him, looking up at him.

"Are we okay? I mean, I still think of you like a dad to me." Neal smiled weakly, feeling miserable. "I'm still really sorry…"

"No. Don't be sorry," Neal said quietly. The last time Neil had been sorry, he'd thrown Neal over the edge unintentionally. He sighed. "Neil, we're okay. I don't mind having you here or being around you. I'm just jumpy and nervous."

"And afraid of me," Neil whispered. Neal was about to deny that. "I talked with Nicky and he agrees with me. He told me more about what happened with you and Trent before." Neal glared into the living room for a moment. "You were always afraid that Trent would call someone and report you or find some way to hurt you." Neil reached over and grabbed Neal's hand, holding his fingers with tears in his eyes. "I would never do that to you. You got into a lot of trouble because you saved me, but you saved me anyway. If you'd let him live, I don't know how long that would have gone on for." Neal wanted to reach over and wipe Neil's tears away, but the kid was right in saying Neal was afraid. "You told me about going against him in court and how terrified you were. You saved me from having to go through that. I know killing him on the spot wasn't right when it comes to your job, but it meant a lot to me and you're my hero."

Neal shook his head. "I'm not a hero," he whispered.

"Please, stop feeling so guilty, Neal. You and Trent are okay now after everything that happened there."

"There was no sexual act between me and Trent," he snapped. Neil flinched, retracting his hand. Neal could hear Peter shifting in the living room. "Stay there, Peter. I'm fine," he said, sighing. He lowered his head to his palm and closed his eyes. "I never had any kind of sex with Trent. What happened between us was still oral sex to me and I'm disgusted with myself."

Neil frowned. "What can I do to help you feel better about yourself?"

"You've done _enough," Neal said firmly._

•◊•

After the family came home from spending a couple hours at _Neal's Net,_ Neal tucked the twins and Nicky in before heading into his bedroom bathroom. Peter said he'd join Neal for a shower in a few minutes. He was sitting in Neil's room, smiling sadly at the teenager who was crying in front of him. "I don't know what to do to fix this. He's never gonna treat me like his son again because he thinks he took advantage of me."

"Give him time," Peter whispered. "It's taken Neal months to recover from sexual assaults or situations that don't involve him and me. There have been times where Neal had a hard time being around me because he wanted to have sex with me because he thought I wanted it." Every single time he found himself discussing sex with a teenager, he felt awkward, but he didn't know how to sugarcoat this. That was Neal's area of expertise, but it wouldn't work in this particular instance. "In your case, he's having a hard time being around you because you're vulnerable and he… He feels very strongly when it comes to children. He won't treat you like some random kid. He's distanced himself from you only because that's his way of keeping you safe, but he'll warm up to you again eventually."

"He said it felt like he was asking his son to do that to him," Neil whispered.

Peter nodded, understanding. "The way Neal rationalizes things is different than how I rationalize things sometimes. I'll never call him mentally unstable because he's a brilliant man, but he is traumatized. He's been raped three individual times over the course of his life. The first two varied in length and included only one man. His third included both of those monsters." Neil leaned towards him and he draped an arm over Neil's shoulders. "He's always tried to save children and they've always done something to show him how grateful they are. One kid gave him a rock and called him King Aqua. It was the cutest thing I ever saw between him and a kid who wasn't ours." He rubbed Neil's arm gently. "He feels sick because he feels like he's the cause for what happened. He believes he made you feel guilty, which in turn made you…do what you did. My husband, being the way he is with children and coming from a situation in which he was violated at a very young age, never wanted to be thanked the way you tried to thank him."

"I know he tried to kill himself," Neil said, raising a hand to rub his eyes. "I felt so horrible when you took him to the hospital. I've had nightmares about him dying because of what I did. If Neal died, I don't know what I'd do. It would have been my fault."

Peter spent twenty more minutes trying to calm the teenager and reassure him that things would eventually be okay and he told Neil not to worry about Neal because he was going to take care of his husband. Neil eventually began to agree with him and then he'd gotten tired, so Peter said good night and stepped out. Immediately upon pulling the door nearly to a close, he came face to face with his husband and startled. "Jesus Christ. Don't sneak up on me like that." Neal was frowning at him. "How long have you been out here?"

Neal looked at the door. "I heard everything," he whispered. "I need to stop being such an asshole to him. It's fine if I make myself feel like shit, but you know how much I hate doing that to others—especially kids."

The older man caressed Neal's cheeks, sighing. "Honey, you need to take your time and come to terms with—"

"It took me twenty years to tell someone I truly trusted about what Vincent did to me. I was fine after that until he kidnapped my son. When Nicky was rescued, I was fine. Then Craig came into the picture and kidnapped us. He used you as leverage and I gave myself up for you because I love you." Peter knew the younger man was going to end up crying shortly, but he knew Neal might need it since he hadn't cried or spoken about this topic much in the last few weeks. "What he did to me changed me, Peter. I'm not who I was before. Before Craig, I was actually beginning to calm down. The moment I did that, that fucker had to ruin everything."

"Honey, let's take this into our room," Peter pleaded quietly.

"I was with him for a week and I came out of _that_ as a complete disaster. It took months for me to even feel comfortable with you, for me to even want to motivate myself and want to make love with you again. Vincent raped me for three years and I was able to let random men fuck me senseless and abuse the hell out of me." He was breathing shakily as tears slid down his cheeks. "After a week with Craig, I couldn't even look at you and have sex with you."

Peter cautiously grabbed Neal and began to lead him into their room. They were too close to the kids and he didn't want them to overhear Neal having a breakdown. "Honey, it's okay now. You—"

The moment he closed the door, Neal grabbed the waistband of his own pants and shoved them down. "Then _this_ happened," he said bitterly, referring to the scar on his thigh. He stared at Peter critically. "This is two weeks worth of hell. Craig cut me up and bled me until I could barely help Nicky let alone myself. I gave Nicky all of our food so he could stay strong and I was dying, Peter." Neal was stumbling as he backed towards the bed, so Peter wasn't surprised when Neal fell to the floor. He tried to stop it, but Neal covered his face and bent his knees. "I was raped and double penetrated for two weeks," he said hysterically. "I was shown how much of a piece of shit I am in that time and now I've really done it. I'm fucking all of this up at home. I totally screwed myself out of my job by saving Neil and look. I got a blowjob and suspension for it. I should be in an asylum or a prison cell right now."

The older man knelt in front of his husband. "Neal, stop this. Stop hurting yourself." He tentatively touched Neal's bare knees. "What they did to you hasn't ruined you or anything here at home. You still have the love of your children. You still have me and—"

"Maybe you should be in an asylum, too," Neal growled. "You see me every single day in every single state I could possibly be in. I know I'm losing it and I can't control it. I've broken your trust and I'm hurting us. My kids will grow up to resent me because I know I'm going to commit suicide one of these days and you won't be there to save me."

"Don't you dare say that," Peter yelled quietly at him, scaring Neal. "God damn it, Neal. I won't tell you to suck it up and shut up because I know you're hurting so damn much, but stop telling yourself I'm going to leave you. Stop telling yourself that you're worth nothing. You're my God damn husband, Neal. Our marriage is meant to work for the rest of our lives and it means a lot to _me._ Don't you dare cut your life short. I want you until you're old and gray."

"I'm not going to make it that far," Neal whispered.

It took everything in Peter to keep himself from either hitting his husband or shoving him onto the floor in frustration. He just moved away from Neal because he didn't want to hurt the traumatized man more. "Sometimes, I feel like you want me to hate you. You want to get away from me and from this life. Do you hate me and our children so much that you'd go to extremes to kill yourself?"

"I don't hate any of you."

He surged closer to Neal and gripped his biceps firmly. "Then knock this the fuck off!" he snapped. Neal's eyes widened and his lips parted in shock. "You're a brother, father, and husband. You have Mozzie and Michael to consider. You have Nick, Brie, and Joey to consider. If you hate me and can't consider me, so be it, but don't do this to them. If you're happier without me in your life, you know I'll never force you to stay with me. I love you beyond words, but I'll never force you to do anything that makes you unhappy."

"I want to be with you," Neal said with tears in his eyes.

"Then show me that," Peter pleaded. "All of this makes me feel like I'm causing your misery just by existing in your life. I feel like a failure because I can't even give you reason to live." Neal was sobbing then and Peter felt terrible for hurting Neal emotionally like this, but he was being honest with him about all of this. "If you kill yourself, I'll blame myself. I wouldn't have been able to save you and I would hate myself for the rest of my life because I lost you when I could have done something." He wrapped his arms around Neal's neck, holding onto him as though he were frightened by the idea of Neal disappearing in the blink of an eye.

Two hours later, Neal was staring up at Peter while breathing heavily beneath their blankets. "This wasn't makeup sex," Neal stated firmly. "I want you to know that I'm happy even when I'm being such a dick to you."

Peter was still inside of his husband and he shook his head, lowering it to press his forehead against Neal's bare chest. "Sex will never show me that you're happy," he whispered. "Not in the way I'm looking for anyway. I know I've made you physically happy, but I'll never be able to tell if I've even done anything to help you emotionally."

Neal gently lifted Peter's head by his chin and searched his husband's eyes for a moment before gently moving away from Peter. "Stay here."

"Where are you going?" Neal slid off of the bed and moved across the room, crouching to pull something out of Peter's dress pants. "Neal, what the hell are you doing?" The moment he heard the small clattering noises, his heart leapt into his throat. Neal turned to face him and cuffed his hands behind his back. "Neal, what the hell—?"

"Fuck me like this," Neal said fiercely. "Get me out of this God damn funk where I'm so damned afraid to be with you because I feel them. Fuck me while I'm chained up."

"No."

"Do it, Peter."

"No," Peter repeated firmly.

Neal growled in frustration. "Then I'll go outside and have someone else do it."

Peter scared the hell out of Neal when he threw the blankets back and leapt off of the bed, moving towards Neal to shove him against the wall. "What the hell are you trying to do to us? You know I'll never abuse you—not this way or any other way. I love you, damn it."

He was staring into Peter's eyes, seeing the genuine anger in his husband's brown eyes. "Don't abuse me then," he whispered. "I want to get onto the bed on my knees and have you make love to me behind me."

"What good will that do?" Peter asked incredulously.

Neal sighed shakily. "I read about this," he whispered. "Please, help me relive the—" Peter knew what Neal didn't say because he knew Neal hated the word '_trauma._' "If I relive it with you, I can control it. I can take control of myself and I-I…" He swallowed hard. "I can change the events of what happened by doing this with you."

"That doesn't make me want to do this."

"It's psychoanalytical," Neal said quietly.

Peter shook his head. "No. I'm not doing this to you." Neal began to plead and Peter was losing his control. Soon, he was sure he'd give in to Neal's request and he'd hate himself for it. "Don't make me hurt you," Peter pleaded in response. "I've told you I'm never going to make love to you if I can't look at your face. I refuse to stand or kneel or _whatever_ behind you."

"It'll help me."

The older man saw the desperation in Neal's eyes. "You know I'll do anything for you," Peter said tightly, "but this is one thing I can't do. I can't hurt you sexually. Not on purpose. Don't make me do this, Neal."

Neal, having forgotten he'd cuffed himself, tried to move his arms to hold Peter's hips, but he realized he couldn't do that. "Will you pretend then? Put your briefs and my lingerie back on and try this with me?"

"No."

"Peter, please."

"I'm not doing this to you!" Peter cried exasperatedly. "You're making me feel guilty, damn it. You know I want to help you, but not this way, angel." Neal was silent and Peter sighed, moving towards his husband. He grabbed the key to the cuffs and stood behind Neal, unlocking the cuffs. He tossed the handcuffs aside and wrapped his arms around Neal's torso. "I love you too much to hurt you to help you feel better. If there's any other way I can help you through this, I'll do it. I refuse to make you relive the sexual abuse. If I did that to you, I don't think I could stay with you." Neal choked back a sob and Peter kissed his shoulder. "I wouldn't be able to look at you and have the genuine feeling that you love me. I don't want to become one or both of them, Neal. This is scaring me more than I'm letting on and I'm concerned."

Neal turned in Peter's arms and Peter held him close as he sobbed against Peter. "Peter," he whispered miserably.

Peter kissed his husband's hair. "We're going to get through this. Someday, I'm going to help you live the life you want without all of this being at the forefront of your mind," he whispered. "I'm not leaving you, Neal, honey." He kissed Neal's temple and rubbed Neal's back. "Mom and dad will come down for Thanksgiving. They'll prove to you that you're worth loving. You're special to them, honey, and they have a closer connection to you than they do to Cara's husband. They've never called him their son the way they do with you." Neal nodded, remembering that Peter told him that before. "You're not an in-law. You're their son.

"I'm so thankful for you and our family," Neal said as he sobbed. "You've all been so damn understanding and I don't know how."

Peter closed his eyes, nuzzling the side of his face against Neal's. "You're worth it," he whispered fiercely. "You've always been worth it whether you believed me or not, Neal. We all want you to know we love you." He squeezed Neal gently. "Mom and dad adore you. Our babies love you with all of their hearts. Mike and Moz will do anything for you." Squeezing his husband a little tighter before rubbing his back slowly, Peter whispered, "You know I'll burn the whole world down for you. I'd go to the ends of the earth to find you and to save your life. You are the only man I gave myself the chance to fall in love with, Neal, and you're the only man I'll ever love this much." Tears slid down his own cheeks as Neal's chest shook against his. "Please, let me help you through this. Please, let me love you." He inhaled sharply, fiercely pleading, "Let me love you."

Neal nodded quickly, resting his hands on Peter's shoulder blades, exhaling heavily. "I will. I will, Peter," he said breathlessly as he sniffled.

"We'll make it through this one step at a time," Peter promised. "And I'll be right at your side during every one of those steps."


	30. Chapter 30

Lightning cracked like a whip and thunder boomed like a drum, immediately waking Neal out of a dead sleep. He sat up and glanced at the window, watching the rain slide down the glass. A moment later, he heard the babies crying. "Peter," he whispered, nudging his husband. "Peter, wake up." Peter groaned and Neal rolled his eyes. "Babe, wake up. The kids need us."

Peter groggily sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Ah. Thunderstorm," he muttered.

Both men slid out of bed and pulled their underwear on. Peter raised an eyebrow at the lingerie that barely covered his husband. "I'll put a robe on," Neal said defensively as he crossed the room to grab said robe. Peter chuckled and headed out of the room, knowing Neal would be right behind him in a moment.

Peter picked Brie up, hushing her as she wailed. Neal came into the room very quickly after that and went to grab his son. He held Joey and pressed kisses all over Joey's face, whispering that everything was just fine. Within moments, Joey was calmer. Brie was still wailing and Peter had no idea how Neal did it. Even after eight months, he was still trying to figure out how to calm his children. He just watched Neal and tried to mimic him. He figured he was doing something wrong when he tried to copy his husband because Brie was still wailing. The moment he pressed her against his chest and had her head on his shoulder, she began to settle. "Nice hair," Peter murmured when he looked at his husband a little longer.

Neal smiled at Peter. It'd been a couple days since his major breakdown, but things were okay again. The morning following Neal's proposition to Peter, Peter found Neal in their bathroom with the razor in hand. He'd checked Neal after taking the razor away from him and was surprised to see that Neal hadn't hurt himself. Neal wanted to try harder. Peter's angry outburst made him realize how horrible he'd been to his husband. Neal didn't like seeing Peter so pissed off at him. The fact that he'd shoved Neal against a wall spoke volumes to Neal. Under normal circumstances, Peter never would have done that.

The two put the babies back into their cribs and stood between the cribs for a few moments. Peter stood behind Neal with his arms around Neal's torso, his chin on Neal's shoulder. "I love you," Neal said as he turned his head a bit. Peter kissed him gently, rubbing over Neal's stomach with his thumbs. When they parted, Neal's eyes searched Peter's. "Thank you," he whispered.

Peter knew this had very little to do with them being parents. He knew Neal was still troubled when it came to what happened between them the other night. "Good or bad," he whispered, "I'm not leaving your side."

"That means so much to me," Neal said as he rested his hands atop Peter's.

They left their children's room and stood in the hallway outside of their bedroom. "You know… I'm not all that tired anymore." Neal gave him a small smile. "I mean, we could go in there and make some sparks, but…"

"Yeah," Neal said quietly. "We could go downstairs and get some coffee. The kids will probably be up soon." Peter nodded and they went into their bedroom to make themselves look decent in case any of the kids woke up. They were both shirtless and in their sleep pants. Peter pulled on some socks and Neal opted to go barefoot.

"Mom and dad are coming in tonight," Peter said. "Just to remind you."

Neal nodded. "My dad will be here tomorrow. He's in Pennsylvania for something today, but he'll drive here tomorrow morning."

"Are we housing him?"

"No. He said he'll travel back and forth for visits. He knows mom and dad are coming in and I told him about Neil. I told him we have a little surprise for him when he gets here. We'll introduce our babies to their other grandfather."

Peter nodded and took his husband's hand, leading him downstairs. "Are you going to let me help you make Thanksgiving dinner this year?"

Neal grinned at him. "I haven't let you make it in any of the four years we were together prior to this."

"I know I told you I burned the turkey once, but that was only because I didn't have someone to supervise. This time, I'll have the most gorgeous supervisor ever." Neal rolled his eyes. "Please, hon? You or you and mom do it every time. I want _us_ to do it this year."

The younger man tugged on his husband's hand. He stepped closer to Peter and kissed him softly. "We can do it this year. It'll give your mom a break for once."

"You know she loves cooking with you." Neal chuckled. "You actually know how to measure things out the way she tells you to. I seriously suck with food."

"Damn good thing you didn't strive to become a cook."

They went into the kitchen and Neal started up the coffeemaker while Peter searched the fridge for something to eat. He glanced at Neal for a moment and found himself staring at his husband's ass. He was pissed at Neal for tempting him with the handcuff play the other night. If Neal wanted to do it for reasons that didn't include revisiting painful experiences, he might have considered going through with it to an extent. He still would have refused to take Neal from behind because that isn't his style.

Even when he'd been with El, he wanted to look at her face. With Neal, he was truly in love. He wanted to see his husband's face—or his boyfriend at the time since they hadn't been married before they made love. Either way, he loved looking at Neal.

Closing the refrigerator, Peter moved towards his husband. He slid his arms around Neal's waist, clasping his hands together in front of Neal's stomach. He rested his head against the back of Neal's, closing his eyes. Neal touched Peter's hands gently, rubbing Peter's skin with his thumb. "I love you so much," he whispered, his voice thickened as his emotions took a rollercoaster ride. He'd seen Neal in so many different ways over the last five years and he still found himself very fortunate to have the man in front of him.

"I love you just as much," Neal said quietly, "even if I suck at proving that to you."

Peter smiled weakly, kissing the nape of Neal's neck. "Every day that you live, you prove to me you love me," he whispered. "If you can look at me and see a reason to stay alive, then I know you love me."

Neal turned in Peter's arms, wrapping his arms around Peter's neck. "I know I'm not a very good husband, father, or _person._ I'm sorry that I've put you through so much hell since—"

Peter surprised Neal by lifting him up onto the countertop. "I'm still here, aren't I?" Neal frowned and Peter leaned forward to kiss him, rubbing Neal's left thigh. He was trying to stay away from Neal's right thigh as much as he could. "We don't have a _normal_ relationship and that's fine, Neal. You're still my lovely husband despite what's been done to you. I love you with all of my heart and I want to get you through this." Neal nodded, resting his hands on Peter's shoulders. "I know you feel so alone sometimes, honey, but you're far from being alone. You've got me, our three babies, my parents, your dad, Moz, Mike… I can keep going."

The younger man smiled weakly. "I know that," he whispered. "I'm not the brightest bulb sometimes." He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Peter's. "I know you're going to help me and that means a lot to me. I could have lost you so many times, Peter. You could've walked away from me and I wouldn't be able to blame you."

"When you feel alone," Peter whispered, taking Neal's hands from his shoulders to hold them in his own hands, "tell yourself to believe that I'll never leave you, Neal. No matter what happens between us, I don't want to be away from you, lover." He laughed lightly, pecking Neal's lips. "I know you're trying as hard as you can, baby. Just… Just remember that you have a family. Your parents are…questionable family members and—"

"My mother is dead to me," Neal whispered.

Peter nodded, closing his eyes. "But you've got three children and you are the biological father to one of them. That boy would be lost without you in his life, Neal."

Neal's eyes watered as he nodded. The farmhouse came back to him in flashes. Nicky's fearful expressions, Nicky's tears, Nicky trying to keep him warm. "_Daddy, don't let them hurt you anymore._" He closed his eyes as Nicky's voice pulled at his heartstrings. "_Please don't make me lose my dad, too._" He didn't even register Peter's voice or hands as Peter tried to drag him out of his flashback. "_Dad, I love you and I don't want you to die… I'm so lucky to be your baby… I'm here. You're not alone._"

The older man had no idea what was happening to his husband, but he was beyond concerned. Neal wasn't responding to him. He was conscious, but Peter didn't think he was seeing or hearing anything in reality. "Honey, can you hear me?"

"_Dad, I wouldn't leave without you… Don't fight me! I'm trying to save you!_" Neal sobbed and he didn't even realize he was doing it. Every time he heard his son's voice, his chest hurt a little more. "_Daddy, poppa's coming… Dad, everything's gonna be okay…_"

He gasped and his eyes opened. His vision was completely blurred, but he knew Peter was in front of him. "Baby, what is it?"

Shuddering, Neal whispered, "I'm so sorry." Peter held onto him, kissing his hair. He wasn't entirely sure why Neal was apologizing to him, but he wanted to comfort him nonetheless. Neal's chest was heaving and he was breathing heavily. "I'm so God damn selfish," he whispered fiercely. Before Peter could ask him to clarify, he continued. "Nicky did so much for me to get me out of that hellhole and this is how I'm repaying him," he said bitterly. "He tried his damnedest to keep me alive and I'm doing everything I possibly can to kill myself."

"Honey," Peter said softly, leaning back. He caressed Neal's cheeks, staring into those beautifully blue eyes. "You're still here with him. You haven't killed yourself—and I'm so thankful for that." He kissed Neal's nose. "He doesn't even know that you…you know. Everything's okay, baby. You're here, we love you, Nicky saved you, and everything's okay now."

Nicky and Neil went downstairs almost an hour later. Nicky was surprised to hear the television on downstairs and even more surprised when he saw his fathers on the couch together. Peter was lying on his back with Neal asleep on top of him. He was stroking Neal's hair slowly as he watched a quiet baseball game. "Morning, poppa," Nicky said quietly.

Peter smiled up at his son. "Good morning, you two."

The two teenagers came downstairs and took up the other couch. Nicky kept his eyes on his father, whispering, "What's wrong with dad?"

"Nothing's wrong with him. We were up really early and he exhausted himself." Nicky nodded, glancing at the baseball game before looking at his poppa again. He could see that Nicky knew something happened and Nicky was trying to figure it out. "Daddy's fine," Peter whispered.

Peter watched Nicky and Neil on the other couch. He wasn't sure where Neil was at in his friendship or relationship with Nicky, but he didn't want something to happen to Nicky. He understood his husband's irrationality and impulsiveness better than anyone and Neil was nearly the same way. It made him wonder if Neil would latch onto Nicky the way Neal latched onto him five years ago. Granted, Peter hadn't known what to do for Neal early on, but it was essentially the same. Nicky, after watching his fathers, understood a little more.

He was a little concerned that Nicky and Neil were getting too close only because Nicky hadn't talked about Trent very much in recent weeks. Those two were nearly inseparable and Nicky only spoke about him once or twice and hadn't asked for a sleepover at all. He or Neal would probably end up talking to Trent's mother to figure out what was going on between their sons. The last thing Peter wanted Nicky to do was phase Trent out of his life because of their houseguest. "Poppa, I was texting Trent before I came downstairs." Peter startled a bit, wondering how the hell Nicky could have picked up on that line of thought. "Do you think we could have him over? His mom's going out of town for work during Thanksgiving and he was asking if he could spend it with us."

"I don't think that'll be a problem at all," Peter said softly. "Grandma and grandpa are coming in tonight. He'll have to stay in your room since the guestrooms will be filled, kiddo." Nicky smiled and that relieved Peter.

"Hey. Is dad's dad coming over this year?"

Peter nodded. "Daddy talked to his dad not too long ago and he'll be here." He found it strange that they didn't have an actual term to use for James yet. Hannah and Jon were grandma and grandpa from the start and Maryann, for however brief a time, had been his 'grandmommy.' James didn't seem to care all that much because he just enjoyed being around his family. Neal even slipped a few times and used his father's name rather than 'dad.' "He's excited to see you again—and he'll meet the twins for the first time. Daddy and I were talking not too long ago and we're going to surprise him with the twins."

"Um. Poppa, they're almost a year old and you still haven't told him about them?"

Peter's eyes flickered down to Neal before refocusing on Nicky and Nicky immediately understood.

•◊•

"Grandma! Grandpa!" Nicky barreled into his grandparents the moment Neal let them in. He chuckled as Jon pulled Nicky into a bear hug, tickling him after Hannah gently hugged him. He loved when Jon tickled Nicky because it made Nicky laugh crazily.

Jon eventually kissed Nicky's temple, poking his ribs. "Hey, Nicky boy!" He ruffled Nicky's hair before moving in to hug Neal tightly. "Hey, son," he whispered, kissing Neal's neck.

Neal smiled. "Hey, dad."

"Where's that hubby of yours?"

"Right here." Peter was coming downstairs with both twins in his arms. Neal immediately reached out for one of them. He knew Peter felt like he couldn't hold both of them at the same time, so he chose to relax Peter. The older man was always worried that he'd drop one of them and he'd hate himself for that. Brie tugged on Neal's shirt collar as he held her against him. "Hey, guys," he said as he half-hugged them both.

Neal went into the living room with Hannah and Nicky. Peter handed Joey to his mother before helping his father take their things up to the guestroom. "How have you been, sweetheart?" Hannah asked Neal as they got relaxed. She sat on the couch, holding Joey on her lap, Nicky beside her, and Neal sat on the floor with his daughter.

He met Hannah's gaze and gave her a small smile. "Better." He and Peter both spoke about what's been going on around the house as of late. Jon was always sweet when it came to Neal and Neal really looked up to him for guidance, especially when he and Peter were having problems and he was trying to figure out what he could do to work things through with his husband. He knew Peter pretty well, intimately and otherwise, but he still had his moments where he didn't know what to do to help the situation. "Peter's opened my eyes to reality a little more," he said quietly as he helped Brie stand in front of him.

Hannah gave him a soft smile. "He loves you, sweetheart—as do the rest of us."

Brie giggled in front of him, stumbling a bit as she gripped Neal's index fingers tightly. "I know that," he whispered. "I have a lot to live for. I have a beautiful and wonderful family." He glanced at Nicky and was thrilled to see his son smiling.

Upstairs, Peter and Jon were getting the other guestroom set up. Neil was keeping to himself even though both Peter and Neal said he was welcome downstairs. "How's he been, Peter?"

"He's doing very well. I think his sessions with the kids at _Neal's Net_ really helps sometimes." He laughed lightly as he added, "He's been very happy with Brie's walking and Nicky's grades."

Jon smiled. "How have you both been?"

Peter glanced at his father as he helped unpack his parents' clothing. "It's still rough occasionally, but we're working through this. I've caught him zoning out a few times and he hesitated to talk about it at first. He usually freezes up when we're in bed together because he finds himself focusing on the bathroom door." Peter refolded a shirt before setting it into the drawer. "He regrets what he did and I'm proud of him for admitting that to me. He hasn't cut himself once since and the only thing I'm seeing him do on a daily basis is mess with his thigh. He was doing that during a game we were watching last night."

"Has he had any anxiety attacks because of it?"

"No, surprisingly. He's cried a few times, but he's been pretty calm. We had a…major problem not too long ago." Jon paused to look at his son. "He really hurt me—emotionally. I…don't know if I want to explain because it was just so not-Neal."

"The handcuffs?" Peter gave his father an incredulous look. He didn't realize his father knew nor did he realize Neal told him. He found himself wishing for once that he was the extremely jealous type that went so far as to go through his partner's email, but he didn't think Neal would particularly like that. Neal left his email open with Peter around, so it didn't seem like he had anything to hide. He never switched tabs or closed the tab out when Peter stood behind him. "Neal and I spoke about it on the phone the other night. He told me you were sleeping and he was afraid to wake you." Peter wondered when Neal would have called his father to talk about this because he usually woke up when Neal was on the phone anyway. He wished it'd been through email so he could read the conversation, but he supposed his husband needed a voice to talk to instead of a screen.

Peter's lips parted. "What did he say?"

Jon took a seat on the bed and stared up at his son. "I'll be honest with you. He was sobbing so much that it was hard to understand what he was saying until I managed to get him to relax. When he finally calmed down, he told me he felt really 'stupid and weak.'" Peter shook his head, wishing Neal hadn't felt so afraid to come to him. He realized he'd probably scared the hell out of Neal that night, so it made a little bit of sense. "He just needed someone to talk to about you. I know you were angry with him." At the look on Peter's face, Jon added, "He didn't say anything cruel. He sounded like he understood why you were angry, Peter."

"I was under the impression that he was being completely open with me," Peter whispered, taking a seat beside his father.

"As far as I know, this is the one thing he needed to talk to someone else about. I told him he needed to talk to you, Peter. He was afraid of saying the wrong thing is all." He patted Peter's thigh. "He loves you very deeply, Peter."

Peter and Jon both glanced at the doorway as Nicky came up to it. "Hey, kiddo," Peter said with a smile.

"Dad wants to know if you're coming back down, poppa."

"Yeah, Nick. We'll be right down." Nicky came in and Peter held his arms out. The teenager hugged his poppa and Peter knew Nicky was trying to butt into their conversation. "You know," he said playfully as he kissed Nicky's hair, "dad has always been pretty accurate in calling you his little brat." Nicky giggled when Peter squeezed him. "C'mon, kid." He gently moved Nicky back and stood in front of him. Meeting Nicky's eyes, he could see concern. He ruffled his son's hair and took his hand, intertwining their fingers as he led him downstairs.

The biggest thing Peter loved about Nicky was that Nicky had a huge heart. He was a very sensitive, compassionate young man—more so when it came to his father. After all that Neal and Nicky had gone through together, Peter loved their son so much more. Hearing that Nicky took care of his father warmed his heart despite the circumstances.

As soon as the living room was about to come into view, Peter could hear Neal laughing. "C'mon, baby girl." Peter stopped as his husband came into view and he watched Neal stand a very short distance ahead of their daughter. She was walking towards him and his hands were out to catch her in case she fell. He was grinning even as she collapsed against his chest. He laughed beautifully and excitedly said, "That's my little girl." He lifted her up a bit—just enough to make her giggle—and smiled up at her. "Daddy's so proud of you, baby."

Peter's breath was taken away. He could imagine a twenty-three year old Neal acting like this as he parented Nicky on his own. During the early parts in their relationship, he always commented that he'd love to see Neal in action and he did love seeing it.

Jon stopped behind Peter and rested a hand on his son's shoulder, smiling. Nicky tugged on Peter's hand until the trio finally moved down the stairs again.

The moment Neal stood, holding Brie on his hip, and turned, Peter was right there and he immediately kissed his husband, caressing his cheeks. Neal's hands were both on Brie, but his eyes closed as Peter's lips moved against his. "You are such a beautiful man," Peter whispered when he parted for breath. Neal's face was flushed as he smiled. "You got her to walk without holding onto anything."

"I knew she could do it," Neal said enthusiastically, kissing Brie's nose. "Now we've just got to work on her brother."

Peter sat on the floor across from his husband after Neal and Hannah switched babies. He was helping Joey stand in front of him before meeting Peter's eyes. "Can I do it?" Peter asked tentatively.

Neal gave him a small smile, picking Joey up as he got onto his knees. He scooted forward a bit and handed Joey to the older man. "He's as much your son as he is mine, babe," he whispered. The two shared a brief kiss before Neal sat back. Joey wobbled a bit in front of Peter and Neal laughed lightly.

The younger man realized his husband was nervous. He felt bad because he'd gotten Brie to walk pretty well very quickly, which meant Peter felt that he had to live up to that. It was just different for Neal because he'd spent so much time with his son. He didn't have a life of his own when Nicky was very little, so all he ever did was focus on Nicky.

With Peter's parents in the room, Neal figured Peter was extremely nervous. He wanted to be a good father and severely doubted his abilities even though Neal told him he was doing everything perfectly. Whatever Peter did moderately wrong, Neal showed Peter how to do it properly—like holding the babies while feeding them and changing their diapers. Peter was totally lost until Neal helped him.

The very first time Peter changed Joey's diaper, he'd done it backwards. Needless to say, he felt embarrassed. Neal just kissed him and told him he'd be a pro in no time. He'd shown Peter how to do it on Brie and watched Peter fix the diaper on Joey. Since then, he had no problem at all with changing one or the other.

As for feeding the babies and holding them simultaneously, Peter's biggest fear was that he'd drop the baby. He and Neal had the babies in their bed with them a few times when they were very restless and neither of the two knew what to do about it. Both men were afraid of crushing the babies, but they hadn't had any problems. Once Neal showed Peter that Peter wasn't going to drop the baby, Peter relaxed considerably. The fact that he'd been tense while holding Brie at the time didn't help her relax. She'd cried in his arms until Neal came back from putting Joey back into his crib. Getting Peter to calm down was key to getting Brie to as well.

Joey was holding onto Peter's index fingers tightly as he continuously wobbled. Peter helped him turn around and tried to encourage him to walk towards Neal, but he started wailing. Neal saw the distressed look in his husband's expression. "Neal," he whispered.

"Just hold him for a few seconds," Neal said quietly. Peter did that and Joey calmed down almost immediately. Neal could see how his husband's entire demeanor changed and he smiled sadly at the older man. "Peter, you're doing just fine."

Peter ignored him and Hannah sat forward to rub Neal's shoulder. After a few moments, Peter shifted and handed Joey back to Neal. "You're better at this than I am."

He started to get up and Neal immediately said, "Sit your ass down." Peter froze and looked at him. "Excuse the language," he added quietly. "Sit down, Peter Michael." Peter frowned and did as Neal asked. Neal moved to put Joey back into Peter's arms. "I am not letting you give up. I'm not better than you. I have experience from raising Nicky alone, but that doesn't make me better. There are times when I don't know what to do, Peter. You're a first-time father with the twins because Nicky was a little older when you met me, but I know damn well you can do this."

The older man frowned as he glanced down at his son and then back at his husband. "Neal, I don't know how to get him to walk. It looked so easy when you did it with Brie."

"It takes time and patience, Peter." He smiled at his husband and then looked down at their son in Peter's arms. "Joey's just a lazy boy," he said endearingly.

Peter sighed. He wasn't really feeling up to trying again because he felt like he wasn't doing anything right. He knows Nicky loves him to death, but he felt like he was messing up left and right when it came to the twins. "We'll try again later," he said. He put Joey in Neal's lap and got up to go start dinner.

Neal frowned before getting up with Joey. "Poppa loves you, little guy," he whispered to Joey. "We're gonna make him play with us later."

He stayed in the living room with Hannah and Jon and gave his silent permission to Nicky to go see Peter. Nicky wanted to go right after Peter walked away, but he was afraid he'd upset Peter more. Once Neal realized Nicky wanted to go into the kitchen, he just smiled and nodded towards the room. "Poppa?" Nicky said quietly as he went into the kitchen. "You okay?"

Peter turned enough to look at Nicky, smiling weakly. "Yeah. I'm all right. Did dad send you in here?"

Nicky shook his head. "I wanted to see you," he whispered. Peter was a little surprised when Nicky walked right up to him and hugged him tightly. "You're a great poppa. I hope you know that." Nicky closed his eyes when Peter stroked his hair. "I love you a lot and the babies are gonna love you just as much, poppa."

"Thanks, Nick," Peter whispered. "I love you, too—and I really appreciate that. You're such a sweet kid."

The teenager kept his head against Peter's chest a little longer. "Can I ask you something, poppa?"

"Of course," Peter said instantly.

Nicky squeezed Peter a little as he asked, "Have you and dad been okay?" Peter's brows furrowed and his hand stilled on Nicky's head. "I don't mean in bed either. I just noticed that he's always a little different when you guys are together now."

All Peter could see in that moment was himself shoving Neal against their bedroom wall roughly. He'd hurt his husband physically that night and Neal tried to hide it with long sleeves, but Peter knew that trick. He'd bruised Neal's wrists since Neal's hands had been cuffed behind his back. He could see the fear in Neal's eyes as he yelled in Neal's face. "We're…" And then he thought back to a day or two after that night and envisioned himself making love to his husband. He'd held Neal's wrists up and kissed the bruises lightly, apologizing simultaneously. Even then, he'd seen apprehension in Neal's eyes when they crawled into bed together after undressing. Peter waited to see if Neal initiated things and he'd done just that, but Neal's movements that night weren't as easygoing or comfortable as they were before.

"We're just fine." Peter glanced over his shoulder to see his husband holding Joey. Nicky backed up to look at his father a little sheepishly. Neither of them realized Neal had been right there. "Nothing to worry about, baby," he said as he walked closer to the two. He stroked Nicky's hair while looking at his husband's face, searching his eyes.

Peter was apologetic. He knew Neal was nervous around him, but he didn't realize the extent to which Neal was nervous. Perhaps he'd decidedly ignored Neal's anxiety when they were alone because he didn't want to believe he'd affected his husband that way. If that were the case, he felt extremely guilty. Nicky slipped out quietly, leaving his fathers in the kitchen. "Neal…"

Neal shook his head. "Babe," he pleaded. "I was the one who messed up. If I hadn't been stupid, you wouldn't have hurt me," he whispered. "I—" Joey began to drool on Neal's shoulder and Neal rolled his eyes as he glanced down at his son. He figured that was going to happen sooner or later. "I cuffed myself, Peter."

"I hurt you," Peter whispered. "I didn't need to shove you."

"Actually, you did. Peter, I was being an idiot. The things I was asking of you were ridiculous," Neal said softly. "I know you'd never do any of that to me, but I'd nearly lost you because I was asking for something you won't give—for good reason."

Peter stepped closer to his husband, kissing his forehead. He cradled their son's head with one hand, sliding his other arm around Neal's waist. "I love you, honey," Peter whispered.

Neal closed his eyes as he kissed his husband's lips. "I love you, too."

"Are you afraid of me?" Peter asked as he backed up only slightly.

The younger man shook his head, staring up at his husband as their son rubbed Neal's neck. "No. I was in the moment," he admitted. "But I've given that night a lot of thought and I know what I was doing to you was wrong—entirely wrong."

Peter rested his hands on Joey's back and Neal's arm. "I'm afraid of losing you," Peter whispered. "I know I would have lost you if I'd…" Neal gave him a small smile and Peter shook his head, kissing his husband again. "Don't ask me to do things that hurt you, Neal." Neal nodded silently. "I did that to you once and I hated myself for a long time. I still do when I think about it." Flashes of the op he'd beaten his husband during crossed his mind. He heard Neal's painful sounds, saw Neal go unconscious. The hand on Neal's arm slid up to caress the side of Neal's face. "I hate when you're in pain and I hate it more if I'm the one who caused your pain."

Neal briefly glanced at the stove before looking back at his husband. "Not shoving this conversation aside purposely. Babe, dinner's burning."

Peter's eyes widened as he turned towards the stove. "Fuck," he muttered as he shifted the pot over to another burner that wasn't on. "God damn it." Neal's free hand rested on Peter's back and Peter sighed in frustration. "I can't even do dinner right. What a piece of good for nothing sh—"

"Peter, shut up." The older man glanced back at his husband. "Relax, okay? I'm gonna tell you right now: you are a wonderful and loving father, we're fine, and you're not a piece of sugar-honey-iced-tea because you burned dinner a bit."

The older man laughed and Neal was relieved. They'd all recently watched _Madagascar_ and Nicky had no idea why his fathers were laughing during the scene where Alex and Marty were running in slow motion towards each other moments before Alex chased Marty around. "You know," Peter said quietly, smiling softly at his husband, "I'm glad you were a dad before I met you because you're so _damnare_ cute."

"Ooh. Someone's trying to teach himself Latin?"

Peter smiled. "Well, you occasionally put Latin things into your art, so I've been trying to learn a little."

Neal shook his head, chuckling. "I think dinner is still salvageable," he commented. "Get the burnt rice off of the bottom and try again, babe." Peter nodded and did as Neal suggested.

Peter was relieved that dinner was still edible by the time he'd finished with it and no one complained or died of food poisoning. He and Neal were slowly introducing the twins to their foods since they were getting older. Rice seemed like a decent start because it wasn't hard to chew.

After dinner, Neal and Peter worked on attempting to get Joey to walk. The two sat across from each other and Joey was standing in front of Peter. "Joey, walk to daddy," Peter encouraged his son. Joey was definitely nervous about doing so until Peter got onto his knees and moved towards Neal with Joey. Neal grinned as two of the loves of his life came towards him. Brie was sitting in front of him, drooling on herself while she messed with the fabric of Neal's jeans. "That's it," Peter said excitedly when Joey tried to walk quicker. He stumbled and Peter's right hand immediately flew around him, holding him up. Joey whimpered a bit as Peter helped him stand again. "Poppa's always gonna catch you," he whispered.

"That's what Superman does," Neal said softly, staring directly at his husband with a small smile on his face. Peter was able to get Joey to walk all the way over to Neal this time and he was thrilled because he'd finally done something helpful—in his opinion. "Look at you, big boy!" Neal said animatedly as he held his hands out for Joey. Peter carefully let him go and Neal brought him closer. "You're going to be big and strong just like your poppa someday, kiddo. You'll be Superboy."

"That's me, dad."

Neal chuckled, glancing at his oldest son. "True." He grinned at Joey again and gently tickled him. "Your brother is Superboy, so I'm gonna call you Superbaby."

"God. You're such a dork," Peter murmured.

Hannah and Jon smiled as they watched the couple in front of them. They were always happy to see Neal in a good, teasing mood. Even when he wasn't, they still loved him as much as they loved him now. "You love me anyway," Neal teased.

Peter waited until Neal sat Joey down beside Brie before surging forward to kiss his husband. "I love my Batman." Neal raised an eyebrow, amused. He was fairly certain that was the first time Peter used a superhero reference for him. "I like dark and brooding," he murmured, pecking Neal's lips again.

"Of course you do," Neal teased, rolling his eyes. "Partners in every sense of the word," he whispered to his husband.

Peter nodded, seating himself beside his husband. The twins were between Neal's legs, sitting against the insides of his thighs, and Nicky was on the couch behind Neal. Sitting in this room with his parents and four of his most cherished loved ones, he realized that he and Neal _are_ partners in every way. "Partners in every sense of the word," he agreed as he leaned over to kiss Neal as Neal simultaneously leaned towards him for the same reason. They had their moments and issues, but, in the end, they were always loyal to each other and depended on each other. They could overcome anything as long as their relationship always included those two aspects in companionship with unconditional love.

In Neal and with their children, Peter found every aspect of 'partnership.' Whether they were Neal and Peter or Batman and Superman, they knew they'd always have the other's back. Peter nuzzled his face against his husband's, loving the way Neal laughed quietly. In their darkest moments and in their brightest moments, they would definitely have each other. They could pull themselves through problems together as Peter always promised Neal they would and he would see to it that he helped Neal overcome his past.

For the love of his life and for their children, he wanted to _become_ Superman.


	31. Chapter 31

Neal sat on his bed with his badge in hand. His gun was back in his nightstand and he'd been granted permission to work for the bureau again. Meeting with Reese's bosses wasn't thrilling despite knowing he was getting his badge back. They still reprimanded him and made comments about what the psychologist had to say about him during their sessions. He'd been as cooperative as he could be without divulging too much of his personal life. He was fine with talking to Peter or his group about his problems, but he absolutely would not tell the heartless, soulless man the FBI directors forced him to talk to. Anything Neal said to him went in one ear and out the other and always came back to make it sound like something was critically wrong with Neal as a person.

Telling the psychologist he'd only done what he felt was best for the child came back in translation as: "You claimed to be assisting the child, but you were only proceeding in a way that was selfish in nature." Neal asked him what the hell that meant and the man went on to explain to Neal. "You believed you were helping the child, but you put him on the spot. It was your selfish inclination that led you to make your decisions. You gave the child no alternative option."

The night Neal went home from that, Peter had been beyond pissed off. "What a load of shit!" he'd yelled. Neal had to frantically get him to calm down before Nicky or Peter's parents came up to see what was going on. The twins had also been sleeping at the time. "That bastard doesn't know a damn thing about you," he'd gone on, growling angrily.

Neal smiled a little as he rubbed his thumb over the badge. "I don't know if I deserve you," he whispered.

"I hope you're talking about the badge and not me," a deep voice whispered from the doorway. Neal glanced up at Peter and Peter walked further into the room, sitting beside his husband. "You're a good man, Neal. You deserve that badge." He kissed Neal's cheek and Neal chuckled. "And you deserve me, too," he whispered. "Nothing about you makes you undeserving."

The younger man nodded. "Thank you, Peter," he said quietly.

Peter smiled, patting Neal's left thigh. "C'mon, baby. Your dad will be here shortly. We've got dinner to work on—and I did start the turkey if you want to go make sure I did it right."

"If it's wrong, I can put you on mashed potato duty," Neal teased, setting his badge down on the bed as he stood up with Peter. Peter swatted his ass and made Neal yelp quietly. "What was that for?"

"I love your ass," Peter whispered. He kissed Neal's jaw line, resting his hand on his husband's ass. Neal turned completely, pressing himself against his husband. Both of Peter's hands were on Neal's ass and Peter took the opportunity to kiss the younger man sweetly while rubbing Neal. Neal moaned into the kiss and Peter's heart skipped a beat. He could feel Neal's erection while Neal was grinding against him.

Neal moaned into the kiss, murmuring, "We're having sex later."

Peter nodded, mumbling, "Mhm."

They managed to get themselves under control for the most part before heading downstairs to be with their family. "Dad! Dad!"

Neal sped up a bit, heading into the kitchen to see what Nicky needed him for. "Nick?"

He found Nicky making pie with Hannah, grinning up at him. "Look what grandma and I made."

"Wow. That looks _really_ good, baby." Peter was sitting in the living room with the twins and his father. Hannah glanced at Neal and he saw that she had something on her mind. He moved towards her, resting a hand on her lower back as he stood beside her. "Everything all right?"

She nodded. "He isn't allergic to anything, is he?"

"No, mom. Nicky can eat pretty much anything unless Peter makes it." He winked at his son as Nicky giggled.

Heaving a sigh of relief, she said, "Oh, good. I know you don't like pumpkin pie, so—"

Neal burst into laughter. "Oh, _I_ don't like pumpkin pie?" he said loudly, leaning out of the kitchen doorway. "Peter Michael Burke." He heard Peter mutter something he couldn't make out and rolled his eyes. "He's the one who doesn't like it. Big liar." He kissed Hannah's cheek. "I love your pies. Doesn't even matter what it is. It's always really good."

Hannah laughed, circling an arm around Neal's waist. "You're a sweetheart," she said as she leaned against him. "Nicky said apple pie is your favorite, so I made sure we have plenty of that."

Neal grinned at his son. "That's my boy." He met Nicky's fist- bump halfway and then Nicky sidled up to him, nuzzling his chest. Neal's phone chose to vibrate in that moment. "Ah. One sec, baby boy—mom." He separated himself from the two of them and pulled his phone out. "Sh—_sugar,_" he whispered, answering. "Hey, kiddo. I'm on my way right now. Are you all packed up?"

"_Yep, dad. My mom's leaving in a couple minutes._"

He nodded, heading out to grab his car keys and jacket. "All right, Trent. I'll be right there—ten minutes tops."

"Baby?" Peter glanced up as Neal moved around quickly, grabbing his keys and jacket. "Where are you going?" He sounded worried and wondered what he'd done to make Neal run away from him this time.

"I totally forgot that I needed to go get Trent." Peter's eyes widened. "Exactly. I'm gonna grab him and come right back." He darted over to the couch and pecked Peter's lips. "Back in a few. Love you." Neal was out the door, in the car, and pulling out of the driveway in less than two minutes. He drove into Manhattan, wishing they hadn't decided to move to Brooklyn when they left the apartment. He loves their house, but it's so inconvenient.

He pulled up at Trent's house and jumped out, heading up the sidewalk. Trent's mom's car was gone, so he rang the doorbell. The door opened a minute later and Trent smiled up at him. "Hey, dad."

Neal ruffled Trent's hair. "Hey, you. It's been a while since you've been over." Trent laughed lightly, agreeing. He let Neal in so Neal could help him grab his things. "Pretty soon, we're just gonna end up putting another bed in Nicky's room. The whole sleeping bag thing has to be getting pretty old for you guys."

Trent shrugged. "I don't mind. Did you stop using sleeping bags when you were my age?"

Neal hesitated as he picked up Trent's sleeping bag and backpack full of clothes and such. "I never had sleepovers," he said quietly. "My, uh, social life was kinda limited."

"Oh, right…" Trent's face heated up as he took Neal's hand in his. "I keep forgetting. I'm sorry."

"I'd prefer it if you kept forgetting. No worries, kiddo." He squeezed Trent's hand gently after Trent locked the front door. "I live through my son," he teased. "Things I didn't get to do at your age, I get to see him do it."

Trent nodded as Neal led him to the Taurus. "Nick said you didn't graduate."

Neal made a mental note to smack his son when he got home. "I didn't." He opened the door for Trent and Trent got into the car. While Trent was buckling himself in, Neal tossed the sleeping bag and backpack into the backseat. He went around to get into the driver's seat and buckled himself in. "You know about my stepfather. I ran away when I was sixteen. With everything that was going on, I really didn't have any friends at the time."

"When Nick and I graduate, you should graduate with us." Neal raised an eyebrow. "Peter could make a diploma and give it to you and he could hand ours to us—kinda like a little family thing." Neal smiled at his son's best friend. "You had a prom. We should give you a graduation, too."

"God. You and Nicky—you're both so sweet." He leaned over and kissed Trent's hair, making the teenager laugh lightly. "If you and Nicky end up together someday, at least your in-laws already love you," he teased.

Trent was quiet after that and Neal wondered if that became sensitive between Trent and Nicky somehow. En route to his house, Neal let the silence loom over them. "Nicky doesn't like that other kid more than me? Neil?"

Neal made an incredulous face as he stopped at a light. "No way. You're his best friend, Trent. Nobody is _ever_ going to replace you."

"We kinda had a fight about him." Neal's brows furrowed. He remembered that there had been a moment when Nicky was really down and pissed off when Neal tried to talk to him. "I asked him why he wasn't spending time with me anymore and he said he was doing family stuff with you guys and the twins, so I asked about Neil. He got defensive and asked me why I even cared." Trent frowned, glancing at Neal. "I know you said we have to wait, but I want to be with Nicky, dad. I don't like fighting with him and I've missed him a lot."

The moment he brought Trent into the house, Nicky was there and he barreled right into his best friend, hugging him tightly. Neal just smiled as he closed the door, locked it, and took Trent's things up to Nicky's room. "Hi," Nicky whispered, staring at Trent as they stood very close together.

"Hey," Trent said quietly. "Thanks for letting me come over."

Peter watched his son and Trent curiously. He could see a bit of a possessive nature to the way Nicky kept his hands on Trent. "I wanted you to come over sometime anyway. I just didn't know if you'd want to after…"

Trent smiled. "We're okay, Nick."

Neal came back a few minutes later with Neil. Neil took a seat on the couch where Peter's parents were while Neal went to sit with his husband and the twins on the other couch. "When we have a minute to ourselves, I want to talk to you," Neal whispered. Peter's brows furrowed as he stared at his husband. "It's about those two," he added, nodding towards Trent and Nicky. Trent, Nicky, and Neil went downstairs into the game room for a little while after Trent arrived. Neal and Peter took the twins upstairs to lay them down for a nap and Peter was getting a bit anxious, wondering what Neal had to talk to him about. "So…?" he prompted as they stood in between the cribs together.

"Trent's in love with Nick," he whispered. "He knows he is without a doubt." He glanced at his husband and Peter saw something like pain in Neal's eyes. "I don't know how Nicky really feels. I know he's argued with me about this whole thing, but I can't tell. I don't want to tell him to be gay if he's not and I don't want him to be straight if he's not."

Peter rubbed Neal's chest. "Let them figure it out," he said softly. "You're his father—"

"We're his fathers," Neal corrected.

The older man smiled and nodded. "We can't make the decision for them, honey." Peter wrapped his arms around his husband, kissing his temple. "The most you and I can do is support them, Neal. We can't push them one way or the other." He kissed Neal's cheek now. "I know how hard this is on you, hon, but we need to let things play out. Nicky will figure himself out in time. You and I both went through this when we were their age. We had to find out ourselves."

"I didn't have an influence despite what my mother said," Neal whispered. "My biggest fear right now is that _I_ am influencing his decision. He's always wanted to be just like me and I'm afraid he'll think he's gay because I am."

Peter shook his head, squeezing Neal gently. "No one can influence him, honey. He's growing up in a gay household, but we have straight influences in his life as well. It's balanced for him." Neal frowned and Peter noticed. "You told me once before that you weren't sure if you really were gay, so you tried asking a girl out."

"I knew I was gay," Neal murmured. "I never asked that girl out because I knew I wasn't going to fall in love with her. When the downstairs doesn't connect with the upstairs, it's kinda obvious."

Peter chuckled, kissing Neal's neck. "I love when your downstairs and upstairs connect."

Neal's eyes widened. "We do have the intercom off right now, don't we?" Peter tensed for a moment before letting go of Neal to check. He picked up the monitor and sighed in relief. "Thank God," Neal whispered.

"Yeah. That would have been lovely for my parents and the children to hear." Peter laughed lightly as he turned it on and headed back over to his husband. "Let's head downstairs, angel." Neal nodded and they both left the twins' room quietly.

•◊•

"Neal, they're beautiful." Neal smiled at his father. He'd taken James up to the twins' room as soon as James arrived. "How old are they?"

"They'll be nine months around the beginning of December," he whispered. He watched his father smile at the twins and it made his heart hurt. When he'd been growing up, he resented all that his father stood for and he resented his father for abandoning him. Watching him now, all he could do was blame his mother for never giving James a second chance. James absolutely loved the twins. "I'm really sorry for not telling you, dad. I…was going through a lot at the time."

James turned towards him, giving him a small smile. "Neal, you never have to explain anything to me. You're my boy." He reached over to rub Neal's arm. "I'm not trying to smother you. You're letting me see my grandbabies now and I'm ecstatic."

"Our daughter is Gabriella and our son is Joseph." James nodded, taking a few moments longer to just admire his grandchildren. He knew they were adopted, but that meant nothing. They were Neal and Peter's children, thus making them his grandchildren. He never would have shunned them for being adopted. In fact, he truly admired Peter because Peter adopted Nicky as his own son though they had no blood ties to each other. This was essentially the same thing.

James took Neal's hand and led him out of the bedroom, whispering, "Beautiful babies with beautiful names."

"Thank you," Neal whispered.

"Honey?" Neal moved towards the stairway to look at his husband. "Time to eat. You and dad coming down?"

Neal glanced at James and James nodded. "Yeah. We'll be right down, lover." Peter smiled before heading back to the dining room. Neal walked over to one of the guestrooms and knocked on the door. "Time to eat, Neil." He waited until the teenager came out of the room before going further down the hall to his son's room. He opened the door and was surprised to see Nicky and Trent drawing on one of Neal's canvases. He was a little irritated at first because Nicky hadn't asked to borrow it and he'd been doing that quite frequently, but he saw what Nicky was drawing and it made his heart stop.

"My dad will kill me if he finds out I'm doing this," Nicky said quietly. "Can you go see how much longer it'll be until dinner?"

Trent nodded and turned to see Neal. He froze instantly. "Um… Nick."

"Trent, go check on—" He turned and his eyes widened. "Daddy."

Neal walked into the room and stood in front of his son, staring at the canvas. "You drew this?" He glanced at his son and Nicky nodded. "Freehand?" Again, Nicky nodded. Neal pulled Nicky against him. "Baby boy…" he whispered.

Nicky murmured, "It was gonna be a surprise," against Neal's chest. Neal was just awestruck. He didn't realize Nicky was practicing. His drawings were much more detailed than they had been in the past, but this was phenomenal. He kept every artwork Nicky made for him since Nicky was about three or four, but this was breathtaking. "What do you think?"

"It's amazing," Neal said sincerely.

The teenager pulled away from his dad long enough to grab the picture he was using as a reference. It was a picture of Neal and Peter on their wedding day. Peter's arms were around Neal and they both looked so happy. "I was going to give it to you for Christmas, but you ruined the surprise, dad."

"Hey. This is a work in progress, Nicky. The finished work will be perfect and it'll be a surprise to both me and poppa." He leaned down and kissed Nicky's hair. "Keep the canvas, baby. And honestly, just take it whenever you want it." Despite his irritation minutes ago, he decided he'd rather encourage than inhibit his son's creativity.

The three of them and James headed downstairs after Neal promised he wouldn't tell Peter about the drawing. Neal immediately went into the kitchen to help Peter take everything into the dining room. Michael and Mel came over shortly before James did and Neal was thrilled to have family to share this with now. He'd gotten so used to little get-togethers, so this was amazing. Peter, their children and Trent, Peter's parents, James, Mike and Mel, and Mozzie were his family. The only thing that brought Neal down was the realization that Ellen wouldn't be joining them.

"Are you opening up dinner up with a prayer, baby?" Peter asked Neal quietly as Neal picked up the pot with gravy in it. "I mean, I could do it…"

"It's up to you, love. You know I don't mind doing it and I know you don't really believe in God. Are you comfortable or not? If not, I can do it."

Peter shrugged. "It's just a prayer," he muttered. "And you're my husband. I respect you and your beliefs, so I'd be happy to do it this year." Neal grinned at him. "Go set that down before you burn yourself."

Neal rolled his eyes. "Potholder, dork," he murmured as he walked out into the dining room. "Nick, stop messing with the bread." Nicky giggled and sat down beside Trent. As usual, he sat across from his father, off to Peter's left. "Anyone need drinks while Peter and I are up?"

"Wine, mon frère."

"Get it yourself," Neal teased, winking at his best friend. Mozzie chuckled. Hannah and Mel wanted wine as well, so he decided he'd bring the bottle out momentarily. Heading back into the kitchen, he went straight for the refrigerator. "I know you've got beer in here somewhere," he said to Peter.

Peter laughed lightly. "Bottom right drawer, angel. Wine is in the back. Juice boxes in the bottom left drawer."

Neal glanced at his husband before grabbing all of the drinks. "God. You're so helpful," he said sincerely. "Thanks, love."

The older man moved to stand behind Neal as Neal bent over to grab the case of beer. Peter's hands were on his hips and Neal glanced over his shoulder, staring up at him. "Have I told you that you're beautiful today?" Neal smiled and shook his head. "Good." He waited for Neal to pull the drinks out before taking them from him. He set them down on the countertop and hugged Neal, kissing his neck. "You are the most gorgeous man in the world," he whispered. "One of my greatest blessings in life is you."

Neal blinked back tears as he rubbed Peter's back. "I love you, Peter."

"I love you more," Peter whispered. They shared a brief kiss before taking the drinks out to their family. Peter set a bottle of wine at each end of the table and gave the three teenagers juice boxes. Neal set a beer bottle down beside Peter's dishes before heading down the table to hand bottles to James, Jon, and Mike. Peter stood behind his chair, watching his husband with a small smile on his face. The moment Neal was heading to his own seat, Peter moved and pulled Neal's seat back. Neal froze and raised an eyebrow. "Allow me," Peter said quietly.

"Mm. You know I love a gentleman," Neal whispered. He pecked Peter's lips before taking a seat. Peter helped him scoot forward before taking his own seat, immediately intertwining his fingers with his husband's.

He kissed Neal's knuckles before exhaling heavily. "You guys all know how much I suck at giving speeches, but I'm going to try to say Neal's annual prayer as well as he does." The adults chuckled and Peter smiled at Neal. They all joined hands and Peter was thrilled to have his son's and his husband's hands. "Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful family we have been given." He emphasized his thanks by squeezing Neal and Nicky's hands gently. Neal, though his head was bowed, smiled sideways at Peter with one eye open for a moment. "We give thanks for the food we have been blessed with and for the lives we have been given. Amen." He told himself that was terrible, but Neal squeezed his hand as soon as they all said 'amen.'

Peter and Neal filled up the teenagers' plates first and then Peter snagged Neal's plate. He wanted his husband to have plenty of food before he took some for himself. Neal, being Neal, would never give himself as much food as Peter took, so Peter took advantage of Neal's habit of feeding the kids first. "Thank you," Neal whispered when Peter set the plate down in front of him. It was fuller than he usually had it, but he knew Peter was trying to be a sweetheart and that meant a lot to him.

Peter leaned towards Neal and Neal leaned towards him. They shared a quick kiss before making sure everyone had their food. "Nicky, you're in high school now, right?" James asked. Nicky smiled and nodded. "How's that been? Your dad tells me you've got some really nice grades."

Nicky flashed a broad grin at his grandfather. "I like high school. The students there are a lot more mature than the kids I was with in elementary and middle school. The classes are fun, too." He glanced at Neal for a moment before refocusing on James. "I signed up for an art course because of dad and I really like it. The teachers I have are great."

James smiled. "I'm really glad to hear that."

"Dad wanted to do something artsy when he was in high school, but then he got into all the law stuff. I want to open my own art gallery someday so I can share it with him." Neal's eyes watered and Peter squeezed Neal's fingers. "Dad's art is awesome and I want to put his work up where people can appreciate it and his talent."

Peter was just as awed by Nicky's statement as Neal was. "Nicky," Neal said, sounding like he was about to cry. Nicky stared at his father with a soft smile on his face. "Thank you," he whispered.

Dinner was filled with idle chitchat until the doorbell rang. Neal glanced at Peter in question and Peter shrugged. They both slid their chairs back simultaneously and Peter rested a hand on Neal's shoulder before heading out into the living room. Neal followed him. As soon as Peter opened the door, Neal's eyes widened. "Neal."

Peter glanced back at his husband, his brows furrowed. "Robert, Donna," he whispered. He glanced at Peter in a slight panic and Peter moved to step outside. Neal stood with him, closing the door behind them. "It's been….almost fifteen years," Neal whispered. "Peter, they're Kate's parents."

"Oh. The ones who wanted nothing to do with their grandson?" Neal turned to look at Peter incredulously. "You're fifteen years late. He'll have no idea who either of you are. His grandparents are sitting in that house with him already."

"I don't know who you are," Robert said bitterly, "but I want to be in my grandson's life."

Neal rubbed Peter's arm gently. "No," he whispered. "I went to you almost fifteen years ago and gave you the chance to be his grandparents. You called me a faggot and told me to get the hell away from you because I killed Kate."

"Things have changed."

"Really," Neal said sarcastically. "Like my husband said. You're fifteen years late. I don't want either of you in his life anymore. He has my father and my husband's parents. There's no need for either of you."

"Why don't you let us see him before we take drastic measures?"

Neal looked at them like they were insane. "What the hell are you gonna do? He's my son."

Robert shoved Neal back against the door and Peter reacted quickly, shoving Robert away from his husband. "Don't you dare hit him," Peter hissed. "He tried to bring you into Nick's life. Neither of you deserve to be in it."

"We're going to fight to become his legal guardians."

Neal's heart cracked in his chest and all of his breath rushed out of him. "On what grounds? Neal and I don't abuse him. He has a good home and education. He—"

"He was sexually abused."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Robert already hated Peter. "I was told that he'd been raped by two older men and, allegedly, one of them was Neal."

Neal's eyes watered. "That's not true. He's never been abused by us," Neal stammered. "He has a good life here. Peter and I—we love him."

"You love molesting him," Robert interjected. "I want that boy in our custody, Neal."

"Go fuck yourselves," Peter snarled. "Nick has never been sexually or physically abused by either of us. Get your shit straight before making bullshit claims." Neal gripped the back of Peter's shirt and Peter knew Neal was going to have a panic attack. "Go to hell," he growled. "You have no legitimate reason—with proof—to take custody of our son. Doing this because Neal is gay is unjustified. You can claim that he killed Kate, but she knew the risks she was taking when she decided to go through with the pregnancy."

Robert bristled at that. "You're blaming my daughter for this? It took his sperm to make that boy."

Neal began to hyperventilate and Peter turned to him in concern, resting a hand on his chest. "Honey, go inside. I'll be right there." Neal shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly. "Hon," he pleaded.

Before anyone had the opportunity to open the door, it opened on its own. Jon stepped out and looked at the older couple before glancing at his son, then at Neal. The moment he looked at Neal, he knew something was wrong. "What the hell is going on here?"

"They're trying to take Nick from me," Neal said hoarsely.

"Dad, get him in the house. _Please._"

Robert shook his head. "You're emotionally and mentally unstable, Neal. You're unfit to be his guardian."

"Oh, bullshit," Peter snapped. "Neal raised Nick alone for eight years prior to meeting me. You don't know what he went through to keep his son happy and healthy. Neal struggled and pulled through on his own." Jon grabbed his son before Peter could consider throwing a punch at Robert. "Where the hell were you when he needed help?"

"Peter Michael," Jon said firmly. "Take your husband into the house and calm down." He turned to look at Robert and Donna. "Get the hell off of their property. You have no right to be here."

Peter hesitated before doing as his father asked. He led Neal back into the house and immediately sat Neal on the couch. Neal couldn't help the fact that he was crying now and Jon came back in a moment later, slamming the door. "Dad?" Nicky asked concernedly as he shoved his chair back.

Jon stood beside the couch and rested his hand on Neal's shoulder. "Neal, everything's going to be fine."

Nicky darted into the room with Hannah and Michael on his tail. He saw that his father was crying and immediately ran to him, pulling him into a hug. "Daddy, what's wrong?" Neal held onto his son tightly.

Peter sat beside Neal. He almost rested his hand on Neal's right thigh, but he quickly retracted his hand and rested it on Neal's lower back instead. "Peter, who were they?"

"Kate's parents."

Jon nodded in understanding. "Nicky, I need to talk to you," Neal said as he rubbed his eyes with his palm.

Nicky backed up and nodded. Neal pushed himself off of the couch and took his son's hand, leading him towards the stairs. Peter watched them sadly before glancing at his father. "Those assholes had no right coming here. How they found us is beyond me. Neal and I moved out of the apartment a year ago and they haven't spoken to Neal in almost fifteen years like he said."

"Maryann."

Peter's head snapped up and focused on the dining room as James stepped out. "What?"

"Maryann called them. I didn't realize they were Kate's parents. I thought she was talking to a friend about another friend. I didn't realize she was referring to you." James shook his head angrily. "That bitch. I should have realized she was spewing lies about my son."

Michael's eyes were on Peter. He didn't know what to do for them and Neal seemed like he was falling to pieces even as he took Nicky upstairs to talk to him. "They can't legally take Nicky, can they?"

Peter shook his head at his brother-in-law. "No. They have no proof of anything." He stood up. "I'm gonna go check on them." He headed upstairs to hear their son crying exasperatedly at Neal.

"They don't deserve anything from you!" Nicky shouted. "I don't want to leave you or poppa, dad. I'll prove to whoever they have involved that you never hurt me. You've never even tried to hurt me before!"

"Nicky," Neal stammered. "Calm down, please."

"No, dad. This is a bunch of crap. I don't know them and I don't want to know them. They may be my mom's parents, but they never loved me the way grandma and grandpa do. They aren't even biologically connected to me and they love me."

Peter stood in the doorway of his bedroom, watching Neal and Nicky. "Poppa's parents love you like their own grandson. They'll always think of you like that, Nick. They love you to death."

"Don't let mom's parents get to you, dad. I'm old enough to make my own decision. I'm not leaving you." He hugged Neal, burying his face into the crook of Neal's neck. "I'm never leaving you."

Neal kissed his son's cheek, whispering, "I love you, Nicky. I'll never let anyone take you from me forever." Nicky whispered that he loved Neal more than anyone and promised he'd never want to leave. He told Neal he's happy where he is and the small laugh that Neal made in response warmed Peter's heart. "I've always tried to give you the best things in life, Nicky, and I'm really glad you love me as much as I love you."

Peter watched Neal's gaze shift over to him and he gave the younger man a small smile. "You and poppa are my heroes," Nicky whispered. "They can't take me away from you."

"Dad and I won't let them take you," Peter promised, rubbing Nicky's back as he stopped behind their son. Nicky backed away from his father to smile at his poppa. There were fresh tears in Nicky's eyes and Peter wiped them away before leaning forward to kiss Nicky's forehead. "You know we'll do everything we can for you, Nick. Dad will never let anyone take you away from him."

Nicky nodded, hugging Peter. "Make daddy feel better," he whispered. He turned back to his father, kissing Neal's forehead before heading out of the bedroom to go back downstairs with the rest of his family.

Peter sat beside Neal, taking his right hand to intertwine their fingers. "No one will take him away, Neal. I refuse to let anyone, especially them, fight for him. He's _our_ baby." Neal nodded, leaning against Peter for support. Peter squeezed his hand, kissing his husband's hair. "Maryann gave them this bullshit story, honey," he whispered. Neal tensed against the older man. "James didn't realize she was talking about us, but he told me as soon as I made a comment."

"Where's my damn phone?" Neal snarled as he sat up.

"Honey, don't. You're upset enough as it is," Peter pleaded. "I'm pissed off, too, but you need to relax."

Neal shook his head. "If they find some bullshit proof, I could go to jail for allegedly abusing my son sexually. That mother fucker—"

"Neal, stop," Peter begged, grabbing Neal's hips after Neal lurched off of the bed. "I will take care of this, Neal. No one can do anything to us. They can do all the background checks in the world and they'll find nothing because there is nothing."

The younger man gripped his husband's hands roughly, but he didn't shove them away. "I can't believe this. Of all of the things that bitch could do, why this? What the hell would she even get out of this?"

"She wants to see Nick," Peter guessed. "You know she loves hurting you, Neal."

Neal sighed in frustration. "I don't care," he snapped. "This is Thanksgiving and I want to spend it with my family. Those three dipshits are no family of mine."

Peter nodded, kissing Neal's jaw. Within moments, Neal's shoulders slumped as he heard the twins wailing down the hall. "Damn it," Peter whispered. "I'll grab them if you want to go get the highchairs."

"Yeah. I can do that," Neal whispered.

Peter went to the twins' room and Neal headed downstairs to drag two highchairs out of the kitchen, setting them beside his and Peter's chairs. After he'd finished setting up the second highchair, Jon rested a hand on Neal's back. "You okay, son?"

Neal smiled weakly at the man he considered a father. "Yeah. I'm fine. I explained things to Nicky and talked to Peter. I'm really pissed off with my mother."

"As am I," Jon said. "She has no right to lie to them in order to wreck your life. That was a very low blow and just goes to show that she has nothing better to do with her life than to hurt you. It's pathetic."

"Thanks, dad," he whispered, straightening up to hug the older man. "I really appreciate you and mom. I hope you both know that. You've been…tremendous grandparents. You've both spoiled that boy more than I ever could have dreamed…"

Jon kissed Neal's cheek. "He's my grandson. I spoiled Cara's children as they grew up. Damn right I'm going to spoil my other grandchildren. Nicky and the twins will be spoiled rotten. I've got years to make up for with Nicky."

Neal laughed lightly. "Dad, you've done more than enough for him."

Peter came downstairs and the rest of the family returned to the dining room, taking their seats. Peter set Joey in the highchair beside Neal's seat and Brie in the highchair beside his own. "Dad loves buying kid stuff," Peter commented. "Should've seen our Christmases," he whispered so only his father and Neal could hear him. The three teenagers weren't paying attention to them, which was fortunate. "Birthdays were just as 'wow.'"

Neal smiled. He always loved to hear stories about Peter's childhood, especially birthdays and Christmases. He didn't have very many stories to share in those areas, but hearing Peter's made him feel like he'd been there to share the experience. "Dad, I really appreciate everything you've done for the kids—and me, for that matter. I don't know how to thank you for being such an incredible influence in our lives."

Jon pulled Neal close for a tight hug. "I love you boys and my grandchildren. I'll always do anything I can for any of you."

Neal took his seat once again and met Mozzie's eyes. The shorter man was a little ways down the table, but Neal could practically feel the concern emanating off of his best friend. He gave Mozzie a small smile and Mozzie nodded. Peter watched his husband cut up food on his plate to give to the twins. He spooned some mashed potatoes into Joey's mouth, watching his son eat. Peter tried to mimic him, believing Neal was better at this than he was.

Peter smiled when Brie ate enthusiastically. He wanted to laugh when he watched Neal pretend he was eating the food he was giving to Joey to show Joey how to eat it. It was so adorable and precious in Peter's mind. In fact, he decided he'd like to mess with Neal. With a spoonful of potatoes in hand, he waited for the perfect moment and spooned said potatoes into his husband's mouth. Neal had to cover his mouth as he laughed. He was afraid potatoes would spray all over his son until he swallowed them. Peter was in awe as he saw the happiness touch Neal's eyes. "Just you wait, Mister Burke," Neal whispered to his husband as he wiped the corner of his mouth. "I'm gonna spoon you some nice food later." Peter grinned at the younger man. He knew exactly what that meant and he was eager to get into bed with his husband. The innuendo immediately had him hard as he imagined the look of ecstasy on his husband's face after he'd give Neal a blowjob.

"Boys, not at the table," Jon admonished teasingly. Both Neal's and Peter's faces flushed in that moment as the two of them shared a little smile. Hannah was about to set her hand down on Neal's thigh, but she came to the same conclusion Peter had come to earlier. She rubbed his arm gently instead. She loved when Peter affected Neal like this. Neal is a very beautiful man in her opinion and she believes he should smile a hell of a lot more.

As soon as the twins were fed, Peter whispered, "Will you please let me feed you?" Neal raised an eyebrow, amused. "Innocently—for once."

"Seriously?" Peter nodded. Neal just stared at his husband's face before sliding his plate towards Peter. "Just this once because you asked so politely."

Nicky giggled as he watched Peter feed Neal. It seemed so innocent, but their eyes were telling a different story. Peter leaned close enough to kiss his husband after giving him a spoonful of mashed potatoes and used his tongue to give some of it to himself. Neal was very aroused and his eyes were closed as they shared the mashed potatoes. This was something they'd never done before, but he liked it. Michael and Mozzie sighed at the other end of the table. "Don't you dare copy that," Mozzie threatened Michael and Mel quietly.

After dinner, the teenagers and Mel headed downstairs to play in the game room. Peter and Neal brought the twins into the living room, handing them off to Jon and James so they could clear the dining room table and store any extra food properly. "Thanks for letting me be obscene," Peter said, sounding a little timid as he glanced at his husband. Neal was gathering up the plates and silverware to put into the sink while Peter grabbed the turkey.

"It was different and interesting," Neal whispered. "Probably not appropriate for dinnertime every night, but I liked it enough to want to do it again sometime. It's like a sexed up version of Lady and the Tramp sharing spaghetti."

Peter chuckled, nodding. "I wanted to kiss you and eat simultaneously, so it worked two-fold."

Neal set the plates into the sink and set the silverware on top of that pile before turning to face Peter again. He watched his husband wrap the turkey and sighed contentedly, getting Peter's attention. "You know… Sometimes, things really suck. Kate's parents coming over sucked and realizing my mother is still trying to fuck me over sucks." He moved towards Peter, wrapping his arms around the older man's waist. "In the end, I always have one gorgeous man to make me smile again." He initiated a kiss with Peter, murmuring, "And I love him to death," against Peter's lips. When they parted, he whispered, "Every time I look at you, I'm beyond thankful, Peter. You've been here with me through so much and you still love me as much as you did when we first started dating."

"You deserve nothing less," Peter whispered. "I love making you smile or laugh. Hell, making you horny over dinner is nice, too." He slid his hands up and down Neal's sides, smiling softly at him. "I'm thankful for you as well, my beautiful man. You're my everything and you've given me everything."

Neal whispered, "Because you deserve nothing less." He rested his head on Peter's shoulder, closing his eyes as Peter stroked his hair. "You've given me unconditional love, Peter, and that's more than I've ever wanted in my life. It's the most meaningful thing you've ever given to me and I've never had to ask for it."

Peter kissed Neal's hair. "My heart has been yours for over five years, Neal. All of my love belongs to you—and our family." He held Neal, rubbing the younger man's back while smiling. He was always happy to see Neal like this. Neal was brought down very easily and Peter did all that he could to bring him back up. In the end, he was almost always more than successful. The proof of that was in the way Neal's heart pounded against him.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: There's a brief sex scene in this chapter.**

"Drop your weapons!"

Neal stood in the doorway of a factory boiler room that was allegedly forging documents surrounding gun purchases. He'd been looking into it since shortly after Thanksgiving. The fact that he'd caught them in the act made it all the more exciting. That same day was the day the twins turned nine months old.

Peter came in behind him when the four men in the room didn't holster their guns. He'd come in with four agents and they had much better aim than the amateurs in the boiler room. "You're a bold one," Peter commented, resting a hand on Neal's lower back as the agents cuffed their criminals. "Glad to have you back, sweetheart."

"You know I love working alongside you," Neal said quietly, smiling at the older man. Peter nodded, pressing a quick kiss against Neal's cheek before leading him, the agents, and their criminals outside. The ride back to the bureau was quiet. Neal went with Peter while the agents drove the criminals in two separate cars.

Upon pulling up in front of the bureau building and exiting the cars, Peter told his agents, "I want them brought into the interrogation room one at a time. The other three will have a group of agents watching them in one of our empty offices."

Neal smirked at Peter as the two of them headed into the building first. "You know, I like when you're speaking with authority. It's really hot."

Peter chuckled. "I'm their boss—and yours, for that matter. Should I speak to you the same way if it's such a huge turn on for you?"

"Depends on what you're demanding from me," Neal said in response, hitting the elevator button. "Chicken or hot dogs for dinner tonight?" Peter gave him an amused look. "Nick wanted one or the other and he roped Trent and Neil into the decision, so I'm pulling you in for the final vote."

Peter gestured for Neal to get into the elevator first when the doors opened and then he pressed the button that would take them to the twenty-first floor. "Let's go with hot dogs. It's simple and quick. It'll be easy to feed to the twins."

Neal leaned against the bar embedded into the back of the elevator. "You just want to see me suck on a hot dog," he deadpanned. Peter smiled, his cheeks heating up. Neal's eyes flickered over to his husband's face and he grinned. "Don't I give you enough blowjobs to keep you satisfied? I've driven you to watching me give oral to food."

"It's sexy," Peter muttered as the elevator doors opened. Again, Peter gestured for Neal to lead the way. While Neal was taking his jacket off and hanging it on the back of his chair, Peter caught sight of Diana and she looked frantic, so he wandered over to her. "Di, is everything okay?" She turned towards Peter's office and he glanced up. Immediately, his blood ran cold. "Oh, Neal is going to be so pissed," he whispered. He glanced back at his husband to see that Neal already caught on. "Neal, wait," he stammered as Neal raced past him to get into Peter's office.

Peter chased Neal up into the office and shut the door, knowing this was about to get ugly very quickly. "What the hell are _you_ doing here?" he growled, staring at his mother. Fowler was sitting beside her in handcuffs. This was a slice of Neal's hell brought to life.

"What right did you have in killing my husband?" she said brokenly as she began to sob. Neal bristled at the sight and Peter had to rest a hand on his lower back to keep Neal from doing something he'd regret.

Neal almost snapped something at her, but he stopped himself and looked at Peter. "When Neal and I arrived, your _husband_ was in the process of raping a teenager, Maryann. Neal saved the teenager from that bastard."

"They aren't even giving him a proper funeral, you little asshole," she sneered at Neal. "I know you hated him, but that's no reason to kill him in cold blood."

"Did you _not_ hear my husband?" he asked incredulously. "Oh, wait. I forgot. I'm talking to you and you're the same person who knew Adler was going to rape me and just let it happen anyway." Neal was disgusted with his mother. He'd been fortunate enough to have evaded her for a little over two years, but the sight of her was just revolting. She is the very embodiment of all that he stands against regarding parenting. She'd done nothing to help him and she'd known the whole time.

Maryann stood up and Peter quickly put himself slightly in front of Neal. He wasn't going to let Maryann touch Neal. "You deserved to be raped," she hissed. "I mean, look at you. You provoked Vincent many times until he finally gave you what you were begging for, you whore." Neal's nostrils flared as his anger soared through the ceiling. "You can't even deny that you're a whore now, Neal George. You've called me a whore, but I never begged for double penetration."

Neal's eyes widened and his heart nearly leapt out of his chest. "How could you possibly—?" He stumbled back a bit as realization dawned on him. Vincent or Craig bragged about what they'd done, so she knew. Peter held onto him, concerned.

"You just offered yourself to them and then you killed Vincent."

"It isn't nearly as cold as that," Neal stammered. "I didn't kill him because of what he did to me."

Peter kissed Neal's temple before growling at Maryann, "If you've got nothing important to discuss, get the hell out. Calling my husband a whore is wasting our time."

Maryann laughed. "Your husband is a whore. You know that as well as I do, Peter. Open your eyes."

Neal blinked back tears. Part of him wondered if Peter would finally look at him and realize he'd made a mistake in marrying Neal. "You know _nothing_ about him. He is the furthest thing from a whore." He clutched Neal's hip tightly. "He did what you wouldn't. He gave himself up to protect our son, you bitch. Neal isn't selfish or a God damn whore. He's our son's hero."

"Your son wasn't involved at all. Neal's a whore, Peter."

Peter looked at her incredulously. "How could someone as stupid as you are make such a brilliant man?" he asked. "Those bastards kidnapped Nick, Maryann. They used Nick to get to Neal and Neal went because he wanted to save our son." Neal shut his eyes tightly as tears slid down the sides of his face. He could feel it all happening again. He felt both of them inside of him. His body felt like it was burning and aching in the worst way. "He's a fantastic father because he didn't hesitate to do whatever it took to save his son's life. Look at yourself, you bitch, and then look at what you did to _your_ son. You let that man destroy your son's innocence. How you can live with yourself is beyond me. Neal would have killed himself if he'd let that happen to Nick."

She stared at Neal, watching him fall apart as he leaned against his husband for support. Craig told her that Neal gave himself to them willingly. She'd believe her husband and her husband's friend over her liar of a son any day. "Say what you want, Peter. You're blind and lying to yourself if you can't see what's right in front of you."

"Get out," he snarled. He carefully led Neal to the chair in front of his desk and helped him sit down before opening the door. "Now or I'll call some God damn security in to remove you." She looked like she wanted to defy him, but he had murder glinting in his eyes. She was emotionally tormenting his husband and he wasn't going to allow it to continue, especially because she was arguing the truth. She walked out after glaring at her son. "Fowler, go sit in the conference room." Fowler didn't make a comment. In fact, he pitied Neal. What he'd put Neal through a couple years ago was nothing in comparison to what Maryann had described. "Neal…" Peter whispered the moment they were alone and the door was shut.

Neal was breathing erratically as Peter returned to his side. Peter knelt beside him, rubbing his left thigh. "I'm drowning," Neal whispered miserably.

Peter understood and silently offered his support. He reached up with his other hand to wipe Neal's tears away. "Everything's okay," he whispered to his husband. "You and I both know she's full of lies, Neal. Don't listen to a word she said to you." Neal bowed his head, breathing shakily. Peter just watched him. He didn't know what else to say, but Neal knew Peter was with him and he knew Peter wouldn't leave him.

"Peter," he whispered, sounding like he was pleading. Peter kept rubbing Neal's left thigh. Neal's stomach was doing flips and he could feel bile rising in his throat. He clenched his fists tightly, gritting his teeth. He knew he wasn't in that farmhouse, but he felt like he was there again. He felt chilled to the bone throughout most of his body, but he felt a very painful and uncomfortable fire burning inside of him. He couldn't help the fact that a sob ripped out of him. "I feel them," he said brokenly.

The older man nodded, taking Neal's left hand in his right while stroking Neal's left thigh with his left hand. "They're not here, Neal. You're with me and you're safe," he said gently. "I know you're hurting, honey." Neal's pain was obvious after Peter intertwined their fingers because Neal began to crush his hand. Peter chose to let Neal hold onto his hand as tightly as possible if only to keep Neal focused on the fact that he was holding Peter's hand. "Beautiful," he whispered. Neal's eyes glossed over and Peter's heart ached for him. "Neal, you're with Peter. I've got you and you're okay."

Neal failed to remember where they were, but he knew he was with Peter. He abruptly turned towards Peter and pulled Peter up enough to pull his shirt out of his pants, subsequently sliding his hands underneath the dress shirt to rub Peter's skin. He was panting breathlessly, desperately, as he felt for Peter's scar. Once he found it, he began to calm down. It was proof that he wasn't imagining his husband.

He blinked repeatedly until he was able to focus clearly on his husband. "Peter," he said softly, sounding relieved.

Peter smiled at him, gently pulling the younger man close for an embrace. "It's me, honey," he whispered near Neal's ear.

The younger man was beyond relieved. He hadn't had a severe panic attack, which thrilled him. He never really worried about embarrassing himself in front of Peter. The worst he's felt around Peter during and after a panic attack was attributed to the fact that he believed he could do better—that Peter could do _much_ better than him. "Thank you," he whispered. Peter kissed the sensitive spot near Neal's ear twice, rubbing his hand up and down Neal's back slowly. Neal trusted Peter and he allowed himself to fall to pieces in front of Peter because Peter never called him weak or useless. Peter tried to pull him out of his living nightmare rather than ask him to suck it up and get over it already. "God," he breathed, kissing the older man's throat. "_Thank you…_"

"There's no need to thank me," Peter said softly. "I do what I always do when you need me. I stay at your side until I know you're with me again."

Peter adjusted his clothing and gave his husband a few minutes to relax and pace around the office to ease his nerves before calling Fowler back into the office. Neal stood by the windowsill behind Peter's desk, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared at one of the men who'd tried to destroy him. "Agent Burke," he said as he addressed Peter. He glanced at Neal and raised an eyebrow, "And the other Agent Burke."

"What business did you have with my mother?" Peter glanced at Neal warily and Fowler refused to answer. "I had a moment to read a report when Peter was talking to you in the conference room prior to bringing you in here. My mother requested you and the Marshals conceded. What did she want?"

Fowler sighed. "She came to me because I assigned safe houses to your stepfather and Laird." Neal's eyes hardened and his entire body tensed. He didn't realize Fowler and Laird were that connected. He knew Fowler gave Laird the abandoned warehouse a few years ago and that was where he'd been raped by Laird at Fowler's request. "She wanted a list of safe house locations because she's trying to find him."

Peter's arm extended as Neal's arms uncrossed. "Why does she want Laird?"

"Damned if I know. I don't ask questions."

"You—" Peter glanced at the door as it opened. Diana came in holding a folder and gave Peter a nod, asking if she could speak to him alone. He turned towards Neal and whispered, "If he does or says anything to you that makes you uncomfortable, do not hesitate to get me, Neal."

Neal nodded silently at his husband before watching him leave the office with Diana. "You're looking good," Fowler said softly. Neal's eyes flickered back to Fowler and his jaw set firmly. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

"Because you exposed your plot to have me raped brutally by a bastard after making me a star in your own personal porno collection."

Fowler nodded and averted his eyes from the younger man. "If I'm allowed to ask, did you ever love me, Neal?"

The younger man was silent for several moments before whispering, "Yes." Fowler looked a bit surprised and Neal shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I wouldn't have stayed in DC regardless. Our relationship was falling apart the moment you initiated surveillance on me and bugged my phone."

"I wanted to know if you were lying to me," Fowler said quietly. "Weeks after you finally allowed sex, you were granted an opportunity to work for the bureau in New York." Neal nodded slowly. "You didn't tell me until you were packing. I know about your son and I'm assuming he's part of why you came back. Was he the reason you wouldn't stay with me in DC?"

"I'm not a politician, Garrett. I wouldn't have done a very good job working under you. I can't sit in an office and play receptionist for nine hours a day. I was borderline suicidal with all of the paperwork you kept throwing at me."

Fowler nodded. "You just didn't like the idea of working as a subordinate to me."

Neal sighed heavily. "No. You were trying to control me enough in your apartment—telling me when I could or couldn't go out or make a phone call. You handcuffed me to the inside of the closet and took my phone for twelve hours when you thought I was calling some random lover of mine." He closed his eyes and shook his head, whispering, "I did love you, but I wasn't going to subject myself to that kind of abuse. Keller physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me. You were psychologically abusing me and the fact that you didn't trust me in the slightest didn't do any good for our relationship."

"You were calling home to check in on your son?"

"Yes," Neal said firmly. "I knew I wasn't going to stay in DC. It was just a matter of whether or not we stayed together. You showed your true colors the day you hit me and accused me of cheating on you." He opened his eyes and looked directly at Fowler. "I went home to be with my son. I slept around after I broke things off with you, but I…" He glanced at Peter, watching him talk to Diana. "I never fell in love again until I met Peter."

Fowler frowned. "How is he any different than me? He's your superior as well."

"Peter makes me feel like his equal. When I was still a probie, he treated me like a Special Agent. He brought me along on high profile cases and really showed me the ropes of fieldwork." He smiled faintly as he continued to stare at his husband. "He's a very jealous and possessive man, but he's never abused me. We've gotten into fights, but he never once hit me. To this day, Peter hasn't hit me."

Watching Neal stare at his husband irritated Fowler. After everything he'd done to Neal, he still loved the younger man. "How long have you been with him?"

"Six years next August," Neal whispered. "And four of those years will be through marriage."

"You've changed since we were together."

Neal nodded, focusing on Fowler. "Peter was worth the effort. I grew up and he helped me through things I never trusted anyone with. He's been with me through hell and back." He was just beginning to wonder why the hell he was telling his ex-boyfriend all of this. After all, Fowler had been the one to set his second rape up with Craig. "He's husband material and was from the moment we got together. You and I had nothing in comparison to what I have with him."

Peter finally came back into the office and he immediately focused on Neal. "All of the safe houses Laird was given are cleared out," he said, sounding disappointed. Neal frowned as Peter neared him. Peter didn't care that Fowler was right there or that they were still in the bureau building. He slid his arms around Neal's waist and held him. "We're trying, baby," he whispered.

"I know, Peter." He rubbed Peter's arm slowly. "There's only so much we can do right now, love."

The older man nuzzled his face against his husband's for a brief moment before staring at Fowler. "Do you know where Craig is?"

Fowler shook his head. "I gave him five safe house locations."

"We cleared out all five of them," Peter said with a frown.

Neal kept his eyes on his husband. He understood how fiercely Peter wanted to bring Craig down. It wasn't a matter of bringing them to justice in Peter's mind. He wanted Craig to die a horrible, painful death for all that he'd done to Neal. Neal, though he'd been tortured, didn't want Peter to kill Craig. Peter isn't a murderer and he would certainly become one if he planned on killing Craig the way he'd spoken about before. He wasn't planning on putting a bullet in him and Neal was afraid of what this would do to Peter psychologically.

The younger man understood his husband's viewpoint. He'd be in the same animalistic position if he were Peter and if Peter were him. He could only imagine how hard things were on Peter. Peter had to take care of him with the addition of their three children. Neal felt more like a burden than a husband, but Peter would never entertain that thought.

•◊•

Neal breathed heavily against Peter's neck as Peter rocked into him repeatedly. The fingers of his left hand were tangled in Peter's hair and his right arm was wrapped around Peter's neck. Peter's lips were mouthing against Neal's shoulder, his right arm holding Neal's body against him while his left hand held Neal's right leg against his hip. Neal's legs were bent at Peter's sides and Peter was in the mood to feel as much of Neal's skin as he possibly could. "Oh, Neal…" Peter moaned against Neal's shoulder.

Peter brought them home after picking Nicky and Trent up. Trent was spending the weekend with them, so he, Nick, and Neil were all playing in the basement as usual. Before Neal and Peter left work, Peter had been full of pent up frustration after dealing with Maryann, Fowler, and the criminals they'd brought in from their case. Neal knew it would only be a matter of time before Peter snapped. He wanted so desperately to find Craig, but he was wearing himself thin because he never gave up on the search. Talking to Fowler proved to be unhelpful.

The moment they'd gotten home, the boys went down into the basement and Mozzie left to drink himself into oblivion for the night. The twins would be awake in roughly an hour, so Neal dragged Peter into their bedroom to see if he could help Peter relax. He'd gotten Peter to admit that he was stressed out even when he was supposed to be sleeping. Neal noticed when Peter wasn't in bed with him occasionally and he always found Peter on the couch with the laptop and his phone.

He'd been frustrated with the fact that they were covering so many bases and coming up with a whole lot of nothing. Neal was surprised by how blunt Peter was with him, but he appreciated it. Peter so rarely opened up to him and Neal felt bad about that. He was just relieved that Peter wasn't frustrated enough to _not_ want to talk to Neal.

The only unfortunate part about their conversation was that Peter threw his phone and a few other things in their bedroom. Neal spent almost fifteen minutes trying to get Peter to stop, but he eventually did and they'd cleaned the mess up together. It was a bunch of Peter's papers and folders, but Neal wanted to help his husband. It was the least he could do, he thought.

Falling into bed together hadn't initially been part of the plan, but Neal convinced Peter that it would help Peter. "Peter," he whispered as Peter's teeth grazed his skin. So far, things were going well. Peter was fast, but not fast enough to cause Neal pain or to scare Neal. He didn't bother to beg Peter to make love to him harder or faster because he wanted Peter to control the pace. "I love you," he said fiercely as tears formed and slid down the sides of his face.

"I love you," Peter breathed. He slid his hand up and down Neal's back for a few moments before going back to just holding him close. "God. I love you."

"God's glad to hear that."

Peter smacked Neal's leg playfully. "Smartass," he muttered moments before he kissed Neal fiercely. As he neared his climax, he thrust into his husband erratically, kissing him sloppily. "C'mon, baby," he pleaded. He always wanted Neal to finish before him and he was trying to figure out how close his husband was.

Neal cried out quietly as Peter thrust a little harder. It wasn't hurting him as far as Peter could tell, but it worked effectively. "Peter," he breathed as he came on both of their stomachs. Peter slid his hand away from Neal's leg and reached between them to make sure his husband's release was fulfilled, gently tugging at his lover's erection.

Once Neal was completely finished, Peter allowed himself the same release. He grunted against Neal's shoulder, trying his damnedest not to bite his husband for once. Neal's lips parted and his eyes shut as he took in the sensation of his husband's warm release inside of him. He loved the feeling so much when he _knew_ it was Peter.

They both breathed heavily without moving for several long moments. Peter shifted a bit and rubbed his fingers over Neal's stomach. Neal opened his eyes to watch his husband clean his fingers. Neal found it very arousing, especially because Peter liked the taste of Neal. "The essence of perfection," Peter whispered as he slipped out of his husband. Neal gasped quietly and then Peter helped him relax. Peter laid Neal's legs down on the bed and hovered over him, licking his stomach.

"That's really hot," Neal murmured, lifting his left hand to card his fingers through the older man's hair.

Peter smiled up at him. "Want a taste?" Neal nodded and Peter shifted, kissing his husband. He let Neal's tongue slide into his mouth and dance with Peter's tongue. Neal tongued his husband's mouth for a few moments before retracting his tongue, simply kissing his husband now. When they parted for breath, Peter couldn't help staring at the debauched angel beneath him. "You're so gorgeous," he whispered.

"I'm all sweaty and ugh."

The older man shrugged. "And your point is?"

Neal raised an eyebrow. "You like _this?_" he asked, nodding down at his glistening chest and abdomen. His hair was a mess as well, but he knew Peter loved that.

"I love you no matter what state you're in. I made you this way, so I love it even more," he murmured. He stared into his husband's eyes and remembered how weak and damaged Neal had been when he'd been rescued from the farmhouse. He'd been bloody, naked, malnourished, and looked exhausted. Anyone else might've been revolted by such a horrific sight, but not Peter. He'd kissed Neal as soon as he had the opportunity and he'd do it again. Seeing Neal like that hadn't been pleasant, but Neal needed Peter's love more than anything and Peter was beyond willing to show him that unconditional love.

Peter passionately kissed the younger man. Their eyes were closed and Neal's hands were caressing the sides of Peter's face. It was a truly beautiful, calm, and passionate moment for them both—until they heard their babies crying through the monitor on Neal's nightstand. "Shit," they both breathed against each other's lips.

"Well, at least they gave us enough time to finish," Neal muttered.

Peter sighed and rolled onto his side. Neal slid out of bed and pulled his lingerie back on. "I'm inclined to just lie here and stare at either your ass or dick for the duration of the night." Neal smirked at the older man. "Of course, I won't be able to do that because you'll cover yourself up for the night if I don't help you with the babies."

Neal made a small giggling sound as he went to find his sweatpants. "It's an effective threat. You like when I'm naked because we're warm and I like when you help me with the babies because it makes things less stressful." He shrugged after pulling his pants on. "Gets your ass in gear a little faster anyway."

The older man rolled his eyes as he forced himself to get out of bed. "I don't know how you can move around so easily," he muttered. "I didn't do much of anything and I'm spent."

Neal threw Peter's briefs at him. "C'mon, big guy," he encouraged, rubbing his husband's ass for a few seconds before grinning at him and leaving the room. He was admittedly really sore after spending forty-five minutes making love with the older man, but it was a good kind of sore.

"Oh, you are gonna get what's coming for you when we get back in our bedroom, sweet angel of mine," Peter said as he grabbed his pajama pants and quickly darted after Neal to catch up to him.

Neal picked Joey up and held him against his chest, whispering, "Hey, Superbaby. Daddy's got you." He hushed his son gently, rocking him for a few seconds. "Daddy and poppa are gonna start dinner in a minute and we're gonna feed you and Supergirl first."

"Fly down the stairway and get started, Batman." Neal smiled wryly at his husband. "I'll take Brie downstairs," he said once he'd gotten her to relax. "Do you want to sit with the babies in the living room or start dinner?"

"You've been doing dinner a lot lately, lover. I'll do it tonight."

Peter neared Neal and pecked his lips. "You seem to forget that you cooked most of our dinners for the last five years, darling. I am _more_ than happy to help out. I mean, you got me to do laundry properly."

"At least you knew how to iron beforehand," Neal teased.

The two went downstairs and Neal left Peter in the living room with the twins so he could start dinner. He knew hot dogs wouldn't take too long.

Moments later, Nicky came bounding up the stairway in a panic. Peter glanced at him in concern. "Nick, are you okay?"

"Dad," he said, sounding like he wanted to sob. "Where's dad?"

Neal came out of the kitchen when he heard Nicky asking for him. "I'm right here. What's—?" Nicky barreled into him, sobbing against his chest. "Jesus Christ," Neal said, shocked. "Baby, what's wrong?" Nicky wouldn't answer him even as Trent and Neil came upstairs. Neal gently moved Nicky away from him just enough so that he could kneel in front of his son. "Nicolas, what is it?"

Peter made sure the babies weren't going to roll off of the couch before getting up. He quickly made his way over to his son and husband, resting a hand on Nicky's back. Peter glanced at Trent, seeing concern in his son's best friend's eyes. "I'm so scared," Nicky said, his voice sounding so small. Neal was confused and really concerned. He didn't tear his gaze away from his son at any point, but he didn't know what to do.

"What are you afraid of?" Peter asked softly. Nicky shook his head and began to sob again. "Nicky, it's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay," he promised as he moved to stand at an angle that allowed him to see his son's face. "You came up asking for dad. What happened?"

"I can hear them!" he screeched, startling both of his fathers. He gripped Neal's hands tightly. "They're right there, cutting you up in front of me and I can hear you screaming!"

Neal's eyes widened. "Nick," he said hurriedly, "I'm fine. I'm home with you, poppa, and the babies."

Nicky shook his head and shrieked, sounding like he was in pain. The sounds Nicky made were scaring the twins and they were wailing on the couch now. "Neal, take him into our bedroom. I'll get the babies under control and I'll come right up."

"Come on," Neal said quickly, leading Nicky upstairs.

Peter's heart hurt as he listened to the sounds his son was making upstairs. He sounded terrified. "What the hell happened?" Peter asked Trent and Neil as he rocked the twins in his arms.

Trent stammered, "We were talking about Neil's parents," as he gestured at the teenager beside him. "He told us that his dad used to hurt his mom. Nicky was asking questions about Neil's mom and Neil—" He glanced at Neil apologetically. "—said his mom was hurt almost the same way dad was hurt by his stepfather."

Peter's lips parted as he let that sink in. "Okay. I need to get up there to help dad calm him down," he said frantically. "Can you boys please sit with the twins for a few minutes? Trent, go into the kitchen and turn the stove off. Dad had hot dogs in a pot and I don't want them to burn." Trent nodded, darting into the kitchen as Neil sat on the couch with the twins.

Peter raced up the stairway and heard Neal frantically speaking to their son. "Nicky, daddy's okay. I'm right here. I'm not hurting and we're not with them anymore. It's okay. I promise."

The agonized cries ripping out of Nicky were killing both men inside. Peter shut the bedroom door and crossed the room to stand at Neal's side. "Buddy, I promise daddy's okay. He's here with us. We're all at home."

"They're going to kill him!" Peter pressed a hand against Nicky's chest gently in the hopes of letting him feel that he was home, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. Nicky lunged at Peter and fought him as though he were Craig or Vincent.

"Nicky, stop!" Neal pleaded. He wrapped his arms around his son and tried to pull him away from Peter. "We're both safe!"

The teenager howled in fury as he let go of Peter and turned on Neal. He'd managed to trip his father and then he was straddling him, clawing at his chest. Peter was trying to stop Nicky without hurting him. He knew Nicky wasn't seeing reality right now and he understood. He'd gone through something similar to this with Neal before. "You're hitting dad!" Peter said frantically as Nicky started throwing punches towards Neal's face. Neal managed to get Nicky off of him and rolled to the side to get away after a few hits connected. He had no idea what to do because he'd never seen Nicky like this before—ever.

Peter grabbed Nicky before he could hurt Neal again and held Nicky against his chest, locking him there in a vice-like grip. Nicky fought against him, trying to break free, but Peter was stronger than he was. He kept the side of his face against Nicky's forehead and held Nicky's wrists together so he couldn't lash out physically. "Baby," Neal said brokenly as Nicky finally began to wear himself out. Peter watched the younger man and saw a great deal of pain in his expression. Neal was realizing that this was what Peter went through with him from time to time.

Nicky breathed heavily, burying his face into Peter's chest. "Poppa," he whispered. Peter heaved a heavy sigh of relief, cautiously relaxing his hold on their son. He stroked Nicky's hair as the teenager trembled against him.

"It's okay," Peter promised him. "Dad's okay. He's home and safe with you."

Neal moved closer to them, resting his hand on Nicky's leg. Nicky looked at his father for a second before sobbing again. Neal's lip was bleeding and he had a slight bruise forming on his cheekbone. "Oh, God," Neal whispered as he shifted his hand to gently stroke his son's hair. "Nicky, listen to poppa. We're all okay. They can't hurt us."

The three of them stayed in the older men's bedroom for fifteen more minutes before Nicky excused himself and went to wash his face in their bedroom bathroom. Neal's eyes were watering as he stared at the bathroom. "Honey," Peter whispered as he wrapped his arms around Neal. "This was triggered through a conversation the boys were having." Neal looked up at him, confused as tears slid down the sides of his face. "They were talking about Neil's parents. He mentioned that there was a bit of abuse between them at some point and it triggered this reaction in Nicky."

"Like when someone infers that I'm a whore?" Neal asked quietly, his eyes searching Peter's. "That's a trigger, right?"

Peter nodded. "That's exactly what it is, angel. The mention of a parent's abuse triggers Nicky in the same way that your panic attacks are triggered when someone says something sexually provocative or threatens you." Neal shuddered against his husband, praying silently that Nicky would be okay. "I promised you that I'll get you past all that's been done to you," Peter whispered. "I'm promising you that we'll get Nicky through this, too."

Neal blinked back tears as Nicky reemerged from the bathroom. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Neal sat up and shook his head, remembering how Peter treated him after similar things. He wasn't going to treat his son any differently. "Don't apologize," Neal pleaded. "Poppa and I are here for you. Don't hide this from us." Peter rested a hand on Neal's lower back. "We're going to get through this as a family, Nicolas. No one is alone."

Nicky went straight to both of his fathers and hugged them both tightly. "I love you guys," he whispered.

Peter kissed Nicky's cheek. "Like daddy said, no one is alone. We're all here for each other no matter what," Peter said softly. "Don't ever feel afraid of talking to us."

They all separated a bit and Nicky nodded as he rubbed his face. "Believe it or not, poppa is amazing," Neal whispered. "He's helped me through so much, Nick, and I know he can help you. You and poppa are both really strong boys."

Peter smacked Neal's ass gently. "Dad is strong, too," he said pointedly. "I know from being with dad for five years that things are rough and sometimes hard to overcome. Daddy has made so much progress. I know you don't see me helping him or see him helping me when I need him, but we take care of each other and you're our baby. We're going to take care of you, too."

Nicky looked at Neal and Neal added, "I am going to be here for you no matter what. I don't care what time it is or if I'm in the middle of something. I will wake up and stop everything I'm doing for you, Nicolas James." He took Nicky's right hand in his left and squeezed it gently. "You know about my relationship—or lack thereof—with my mother. She was a terrible parent and left me alone to suffer in silence and fend for myself." Nicky's eyes were locked directly onto Neal's as he listened to the sincerity in his father's voice. "I will _never_ make you go through something alone. Poppa is the same way I am. You can _always_ come to us and we'll always be here."

The three of them returned downstairs as soon as Nicky was completely comfortable with doing so. Trent hugged Nicky before Neal headed back into the kitchen to work on dinner again. Peter sat on the couch with the twins, glancing at his oldest son as Nicky curled up against him on the couch. "You okay, buddy?" Nicky nodded and moved Peter's arm until it was draped over Nicky's shoulders. Peter smiled softly at the teenager. "I love you, Nick."

"Love you, poppa," he whispered.

Peter helped Neal set up the highchairs a few minutes later and they had the twins sitting in them. Neal would feed Brie tonight while Peter fed Joey. Nicky sat on Neal's left, watching his father. Neal glanced at Nicky the moment Nicky focused on his food. His eyes slowly slid towards the corner of the table and his lips twitched into a small smile. Trent and Nicky were holding hands beneath the table.

Neal glanced in his husband's direction and Peter caught his eye before seeing exactly what Neal saw. The older man knew what Neal was thinking, too. The absolute, pure love in Neal's eyes proved his gratitude to his husband. Neal was thankful to have Peter in his life because Peter is his foundation, his support. Neal and Nicky were both so very much alike and they'd gone through something very traumatic together.

Peter gave his support and reassurances to his husband and son, but he understood that Nicky would want to have support that was a little more on the intimate side. It was innocent and, despite Neal's wish to have Nicky wait before considering dating his best friend, Neal encouraged them. What he and Peter had was very intimate, very personal, and affected Neal in every way. Peter took care of him and made sure he knew he was loved. Neal can't read Nicky's mind, but he had the feeling that Nicky needed his own Peter to help him.

Beneath the table, Peter took Neal's hand in much the same fashion. He squeezed his husband's hand before returning to feeding his son. Neal stared at Peter, watching him feed Joey. He was absolutely mesmerized when he watched Peter become a father to their three children. When he and Peter were alone, they were lovers, partners, and husbands, but Peter became a completely different man with their babies. He was playful, loving, and responsible.

Watching Peter and Nicky was always amazing, but seeing Peter's face light up as he continued to help Joey learn to walk made Neal's heart skip several beats. "I love you," he whispered as he leaned to press a kiss against his husband's shoulder.

"I love you, too," Peter said quietly over his shoulder, flashing a smile at his husband.

Imagining himself without this man was terrifying on so many levels, so he forced himself to stop thinking about it. He spent a lot of his young adult to middle aged adult life telling himself that he'd never find a lover like Peter. Peter was in his dreams and Neal thanked God for sending him a guardian angel. Peter meant that much to him and Neal knew that Trent and Nicky meant that much to each other as well. Both boys had their own issues that they brought to the table, but they bonded over them.

Nicky helped Trent overcome the abuse Matthew put him through and now Trent was helping Nicky overcome the abuse of his father that he'd witnessed. Neal's heart warmed at the thought that the two of them would grow to be as strong as he and Peter are. There would be ups and downs to their relationship just like Peter and Neal's marriage, but that's how they strengthen themselves.

Peter and Trent were their guardian angels respectively. After Neal finished feeding Brie and Peter finished feeding Joey, he leaned against Peter and closed his eyes. He let himself feel the warmth of his husband's love and body. He never wanted to lose what he has with Peter even though he's done so many destructive things to hurt them. He and Peter could make it through all of those things and Neal had the feeling the boys could make it, too.


	33. Chapter 33

"You're staying home and that's final." Peter stared at his husband helplessly and began to protest, but Neal wasn't having any of it this morning. "Peter Michael, your temperature is over a hundred degrees. You're sick. Just accept it."

Peter glared a bit. "I don't get sick."

Neal rolled his eyes. "I just took your temperature, Peter. The thermometer doesn't lie unless you're Nicky." Peter chuckled and laid down at his husband's insistence. Nicky tried to stay home sick a few times in the past by giving his father the thermometer he'd dipped into warm water. Neal knew better than that now after catching him doing it again. "You've got a fever and I'm telling you you're taking a sick day, my love."

"I'm well enough to work," he said petulantly before sneezing. "Last I checked, you didn't have a doctoral or nursing degree."

The younger man laughed. "Lay your ass down. I have to go get Nick ready for school. I'll call Moz when I get into the Taurus and let him know that you're home sick. He'll still come over to help with the twins." Peter watched Neal get dressed. He'd been happy with Neal taking care of him in the nude for the last twenty minutes or so, but Neal had to look appropriate outside of the bedroom.

When Neal neared the bed to put his reading glasses in his nightstand drawer since they'd found their way to the floor during the night, Peter grabbed his hand and kissed the back of it. "Stay in bed with me."

"Somebody's got to go to work," Neal murmured. "I'll bring you some lunch later, babe."

Peter moaned. "If I have to stay home sick, I want you here with me. You know I'm going to get cold sooner or later. Keep me warm, baby."

Neal laughed lightly. "After I pick Nicky up from school, I'll buy some ginger ale and stuff for you." He kissed Peter's forehead and murmured, "Your throat sounds scratchy, so it'll help."

The older man kept moaning and groaning as Neal continued to get himself ready for work. "Baby," he whined quietly while Neal fixed his tie in front of a mirror. "Stop getting dressed."

Neal chuckled as he glanced back at Peter. "I'll take it all off when I come home for lunch." He wandered out of the room and went down to Nicky's room. He knelt beside the bed and rubbed his son's back. "Hey, kiddo," he said softly. Nicky groaned as he began to wake up. "Time to get ready for school, Nick."

"Five more minutes, daddy?"

"Nope. The last time I gave you 'five more minutes,' it became 'twenty-five more minutes, daddy.'" Nicky opened his eyes a little to look at his father and he smiled. "C'mon. Poppa's sick today, so don't make me have him come in here and wake you up." Nicky finally got up and Neal went back into his bedroom to find his husband out of bed. "You pain in the ass," he said playfully. He could see that Peter grabbed a suit out of the closet. He threw the bathroom door open and startled Peter. "Go undress and get back into bed. I'll blow you before work if you promise me you'll get back into bed."

Peter raised an eyebrow. "I'm calling your bluff."

"Get your ass back into that bed."

Neal dragged Peter out of the bathroom and began undressing him himself. "Neal, I want you to stay home."

"I know you do, babe," he said as he made Peter sit on the bed. He took Peter's suit jacket and tie off and went to put them back. Peter was only wearing his briefs, so Neal was fortunate to not have to hang Peter's pants up. He wouldn't have minded taking them off of his husband though. "I'd stay home, but I've missed so much work since I started working for the bureau. Most of it was your fault though."

Peter scoffed. "I make you stay home for good reason. I'm your boss and I'm ordering you to stay home with me and let me cuddle you."

Neal made a small giggling sound as he moved back towards the bed. "Peter Michael," he whispered, shaking his head, "I love you so much, babe, but I have to go to work."

"Fine," Peter said as he laid down. He muttered, "Jerk," under his breath. The younger man rolled his eyes as he grabbed the blanket and laid it over his husband, tucking it in around him. Peter watched him with a small smile on his face, reaching up to stroke the side of Neal's face when Neal leaned over him. "I love you, too," he said as Neal nuzzled his face against Peter's palm.

The younger man smiled at his husband, whispering, "I'm gonna make sure Nicky's ready to go. Kiss goodbye now or before we leave?"

"Kiss me now _and_ before you leave."

Neal smirked and leaned down, kissing his husband. "Okay, love. I'll come back in before heading out." Peter nodded and Neal walked out of the room again. "Nicolas James, I hope you're ready to go," he said as he stopped in his son's bedroom doorway.

Nicky wasn't in his room and Neal hadn't heard him go downstairs. Confused, he backtracked. He went to the twins' room and didn't see his son there either. The next room he checked was Neil's. He knocked on the door and Neil came to open it. "Hey," Neil whispered.

"Hey, kid. Is Nicky in there?" Neil shook his head. "Can't find the brat."

Neil's brows furrowed. "Did you check the bathroom? I can go look downstairs." Neal nodded and the two went their separate ways. The bathroom door was closed and Neal sighed, getting ready to tell his son he wasn't sick and he was still going to school. He pushed the door open and opened his mouth to say something, but Nicky wasn't there either. "_Neal!_" Neil screeched from downstairs.

Neal broke into a sprint, darting down the stairway. He went to the kitchen and bumped into Neil who was standing in the doorway. Neil shifted and let him through and Nicky was lying on the floor with blood in front of him. This looked like his _worst_ nightmare come to life. His heart stopped and he slid across the floor, shaking his son. "Nick. Nicky. Nicolas," he pleaded. He breathed heavily and gathered his son in his arms. He held him bridal style and said to Neil shakily, "Go get Peter. I'm taking him to the ER."

He grabbed the keys off of the countertop and darted to the door. He didn't know how he managed to open the door and shut it without dropping his son, but he did it. Fumbling with the keys, he also got the door to the Taurus unlocked. He ducked and leaned into the car, laying his son down on the backseat. In the brief moment that he had to really look at him, he could see blood on Nicky's wrists that kept trickling out. His eyes watered as he took his suit jacket off and shifted his son to put it on him. He doubled up the cuffs and hoped it was enough to stop the bleeding.

Getting to the hospital was a miracle and he hoped to God Nicky would be okay.

•◊•

Peter showed up twenty-five minutes later to find his husband trembling and sobbing in a hospital waiting room chair. He felt like shit physically, but he could see that Neal was hurting mentally and emotionally. Nicky is _his_ baby. Whenever Nicky was put into some kind of threatening situation, Neal's entire being just reacted without thought. He didn't hesitate to do anything and everything for his son. "Baby," Peter whispered as he darted over to his husband. He sat beside him, resting a hand on his lower back. "Honey, I'm here now."

"He t-tried to kill himself," Neal stammered. "They got him to wake up and he told them he wanted to die." His entire body shook violently and Peter felt horrible. He didn't know what to say to his husband. "He tried to commit _suicide,_ Peter. I don't understand. He was fine when I woke him up."

The older man nodded and slid his hand up Neal's back, sliding it up to cup the back of Neal's head. "Honey, we're going to get answers and I'm sure he'll be fine. Did anyone tell you why he was unconscious?"

"They told me he passed out because of shock." Peter nodded and stroked his husband's hair, leaning over to kiss his temple. "Peter, I feel like this is my fault," he said miserably. "I haven't paid enough attention to him or taken care of him the way I should be. I'm so fucking selfish and blind that I can't even see my own son's pain." He doubled over and palmed his eyes as he sobbed.

Peter wanted to cry, too, but he knew he needed to help Neal. Falling apart would only hurt his lover more. "Neal, he's going to be okay. Neil told me it wasn't…terrible." He was trying to be careful with his wording because of Neal's most recent suicide attempt. The blood he'd shed in their bathroom that day was enough to make Peter nauseous if he thought about it after all of this time. "You've been helping him, honey. I don't know why he snapped like this, but we're going to take care of him—together. You aren't alone in this nor will you ever be again."

Neal leaned against Peter. He couldn't find his voice as he continued to cry. Peter just held onto him tightly, hushing him gently with promises that Nicky would be fine. The older man wished he'd seen Nicky beforehand to know whether or not he was lying to his husband. Then again, Neal nearly bled himself out and he'd survived. Based on what Neil told him at the house, Nicky hadn't done severe damage unless he'd cut a vein in his wrist. Rocking his husband made him realize that Neal and Nicky are both very vulnerable and occasionally volatile. Neal knew how to kill himself, but he tried to do it in the slowest, most painful of ways. As for Nicky, Peter couldn't recall their son ever trying to commit suicide before and it terrified him.

Around noon, almost four hours after arriving at the hospital, a nurse came out and immediately looked at Neal. She didn't know who he was, but the boy she'd taken care of told her to find a man who looked like him, but older. "Are you relatives of Nicolas Burke?"

Peter nodded, watching his husband's expression. "We're his fathers."

"Please tell me he's okay," Neal whispered brokenly. The nurse could see that he was suffering and she wanted to make this as painless as possible.

"He's okay, Mister Burke," she said softly, "but it was a suicide attempt. He just barely missed a critical vein. Do either of you have any idea as to why he would try to commit suicide?"

Peter shook his head, holding Neal's against him. "No. We're absolutely clueless," Peter whispered. "My husband said Nicky was fine this morning. We have no idea what happened."

She nodded. "Would you like to see him? He's conscious."

Neal jumped up immediately, startling the nurse. Peter wasn't surprised in the slightest. He took Neal's hand as he stood up and intertwined their fingers, squeezing his hand. The nurse led them down the long hallway and around a corner, showing them into the room Nicky was in. As soon as Neal and Nicky's eyes met, Neal took off like a bat out of hell. He ran to his son's bedside and pulled him into a tight hug, stroking his hair as though he wanted to be sure Nicky was alive. "Hi, daddy," Nicky whispered solemnly.

Neal couldn't even answer him. He just sobbed as he held onto the teenager. He didn't know how to deal with this because he never thought he'd have to. He knew he himself was destructive, but he didn't think it was hereditary.

Peter rested a hand on Neal's back, rubbing up and down his spine. Nicky looked up at Peter apologetically. "Honey," Peter said gently. He wanted Neal to back up a little so he could hug their son as well, but Neal wasn't budging. "Baby, can I—?"

"Daddy, I'm sorry."

Neal breathed heavily as he finally pulled away. His cheeks were tearstained and his eyes and nose were red. He sniffled as he looked down at his son's wrist that was wrapped in gauze. It looked like Nicky was still bleeding a little. "Tell me why you did this," he begged his son.

Nicky's lips trembled as Neal sat on the edge of the bed, taking his son's hands in his. He just stared at his father and shook his head. Neal's heart broke on his face. He just didn't understand any of this. He knew his reasons for his own suicide attempts. Nearly becoming a man he despised and making himself believe that he'd raped a teenager were severely concerning reasons, but he was able to reflect on his thought process now that he wasn't actively seeking death. "I wanna talk to poppa alone," Nicky said thickly.

Peter's lips parted and he swore he heard Neal's heart crack inside of his chest. "Okay," Neal whispered, getting up from the hospital bed.

Peter grabbed Neal's hips before he could brush past him. "Promise me you'll wait outside the room. Please promise me that you won't do something to hurt yourself."

The silence between them was very telling, but then Neal whispered, "I promise, Peter," before kissing his husband. He glanced back at Nicky for a moment, adding, "Please help him." He sounded like he was pleading. Neal knew damn well Peter could help Nicky because Peter pulled Neal through all kinds of shit. Neal wanted to die so very badly, but Peter managed to save him. "I love you," he whispered, shutting his eyes tightly before more tears could fall. He left the room after Peter told him that he loved him in return.

As soon as the door closed, Peter turned towards Nicky, his brows furrowed. "What is it, kiddo?"

Nicky shook his head. "I felt like I deserved to die. Daddy wouldn't have to deal with me plus his own suffering for once. He did that all my life, pretending that his life was just fine when it was in ruins."

"Nicolas James," Peter whispered brokenly. "Your father loves you to—beyond words." He realized the initial expression was very inappropriate considering the reasoning as to why they were in the hospital to begin with. "Tell me why you felt like you deserved to die."

Peter sat beside Nicky and kept his eyes on the teenager. He could see so much of Neal there. The way he was biting his lip was an occasional habit of Neal's when Neal knew he'd done something wrong or he was trying to hold back because he was afraid he'd end up doing something wrong if he hadn't already. The way his eyes were downcast reminded him of Neal's constant need to look away and try to break the tension. Nicky's entire body screamed misery to Peter and he'd seen Neal like this before. "I tried to go back to sleep when daddy left and I had a nightmare," he whispered. He glanced down at his wrist and frowned. "I dreamt that they were cutting dad and I wanted to take his pain away."

"You tried to protect him?" Nicky nodded slowly, reaching up to brush his hair back. "Oh, kiddo. He's just fine. Honestly, this has hurt him a hell of a lot more than anything else he'd ever experienced or probably ever will experience." He knew immediately that that was the wrong thing to say to his son when Nicky laid down and turned away from him to cry. Staring at him helplessly, he realized something. Nicky _is_ like Neal. He swung his legs up onto the hospital bed and laid down behind Nicky, spooning against him. He stroked his son's knuckles, whispering, "Dad and I love you dearly. If anything ever happened to you or took you from us permanently, we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves." He kissed Nicky's shoulder. "Daddy would die without you in his life, Nick. He really needs you." Nicky was quiet and Peter sighed internally. "You're his baby. I know I say this to you all the time and I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but daddy, for as hurt as he can be, would never want to give you up in an attempt to save himself from his suffering."

Nicky took Peter's hand in both of his, his lips trembling as he leaned back against his poppa. "I was thinking about how much pain daddy is always in," he whispered. "I know he tries to hide it from me. I don't want him to look at me and suffer." He sounded so vulnerable and small to Peter.

Peter kissed Nicky's shoulder again, whispering, "Daddy's been okay, Nicky. He doesn't blame you for anything that happened to him."

"But it was my fault," Nicky said thickly.

"No. It wasn't. You had no choice but to go with them when they took you. You could have gotten killed if you'd resisted." He rested his hand, though both of Nicky's hands were still holding it, on Nicky's chest, giving his son a small smile even though Nicky's back was to him. "You helped daddy survive, Nicky. I think you're the reason he's still alive. You saw daddy when he came back from what Craig did to him the first time." Nicky nodded, biting his lip. He carefully turned over and stared up at Peter. He knew he couldn't really hurt Peter the way he'd hurt Neal if he talked about these things, which is why he wanted Neal to leave the room. It wasn't a matter of him wanting to talk to Peter more. He was afraid of causing his father more pain. He just didn't realize that Peter wouldn't keep this a secret. Peter and Neal don't keep secrets like this from each other—especially when it came to their kids. "Nicky, he would have died without you. No amount of pain will ever make him forget that you're the reason he's alive."

Nicky watched as Peter's eyes glossed over. He didn't know all of the details, but Peter was lost in his regrets and sorrows. If he'd fought a little harder, he may have been able to save Neal from Craig the first time. Neal gave himself to Craig to save Peter and Nicky in both situations. Peter realized there was nothing that Nicky could have done to help his father, but he felt that he should have been able to help his then-boyfriend. "Poppa?"

Peter blinked, lifting his hand to wipe tears away before they could fall. "Yeah, kiddo?"

"I didn't know I was trying to kill myself until I looked at my wrist."

He nodded, knowing that Neal's done things blindly before. Peter didn't understand entirely because he never felt compelled to end his life. He also hadn't been raped or experienced the rape of a loved one first-hand. His lover and son were both traumatized and he knew he had to help them both. Neal was beginning to see things a little clearer as he watched his son suffer and Peter hoped that something would click in his husband. "It's okay, Nick. I'm just glad you didn't kill yourself—and daddy is, too. We don't want to live without you, Nicky."

After a few more minutes, Peter went to find his husband. His brows furrowed when he couldn't find him. Just as he was about to panic, Neal came around the corner with a bottle of Coca Cola. He sighed heavily in relief. "Shit," Neal whispered apologetically. "Did I scare you?"

Peter shook his head, walking towards his husband. He pulled him close for a hug. "I love you, baby," he whispered as he pressed a kiss against Neal's neck.

"I love you, too, Superman," Neal said softly. "Is he okay?"

The older man pulled away first and stared at Neal's face. "He is." Neal nodded, frowning. "The only reason he asked you to leave the room was because he didn't want to hurt you, honey. He…relapsed, honestly, without realizing it." The pain on Neal's face was unmistakable and it hurt Peter's heart. He pulled Neal closer to the wall and spoke to him in a hushed tone. "You blame yourself for what was done to you," he said, trying not to make Neal feel like he was at fault. "He's like you in every way, honey. He's blaming himself for what happened to you. This was him subconsciously telling himself that he didn't want you to suffer. Hon, he thinks you're hurting when you look at him."

"Does he know how incredibly ridiculous that is?" Neal asked as he blinked rapidly. Peter lifted his hands to stroke Neal's cheeks. "Peter, I love him so damn much. That's my little boy and I'm the reason he tried to commit suicide."

As Neal's lips trembled, Peter whispered, "No, honey. That's not true." He wrapped his left arm around his husband, holding him close. Neal held onto him tighter, wanting to sink right into his husband's warmth completely. "Don't you dare beat yourself up over this, sweetheart."

He made sure Neal was under control before they went back into Nicky's hospital room. Nicky frowned at his father, apologizing with his eyes. The teenager had the feeling that Peter already told Neal. They'd been out in the hall long enough. "Here," Neal whispered, holding the Coca Cola bottle out to his son. Nicky looked confused, but took the bottle. Neal wanted to say so many things, but he didn't know what to say first. "I'm…gonna go see if you can get discharged."

As Neal turned to leave, Peter gently gripped his arm. "Honey, I can do that."

"No. You stay with him." Peter's heart clenched as he let go of Neal and watched him walk out of the room.

"He's mad at me," Nicky said miserably.

Peter turned to their son. "Nick, he's not mad. I promise." He sat with Nicky until Neal came back several minutes later with discharge papers.

•◊•

Peter crawled across the bed and got onto his knees behind his husband who was sitting on the edge of their bed, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms. He rested his hands on Neal's shoulder, leaning forward to kiss the nape of Neal's neck. "Are you okay?" he whispered.

Neal inhaled sharply as he sat up straighter, pressing the back of his head against his husband's pectorals. "I never wanted this. I never wanted to see the day when my own son tried to take his life." Peter could understand that and he wanted to help Neal so badly. "I was fourteen the first time I thought about committing suicide. He's fourteen, too, Peter, and this is hurting me more than I'm letting on. I lived in fear for my mother and my own life during the three years that Vincent raped me. Once I escaped, I was so damned afraid that he'd find me for seven years after that. When Nicky was born, I was scared _shitless_ because I never wanted him to know about my past and I never wanted him to have to experience something like it." Peter gently rubbed Neal's shoulders, listening to him. He could hear the tremor in Neal's voice, a telling sign that he was afraid or in pain. "In reality, I've wanted to kill myself for over twenty years, but I never once thought I'd have to watch my son suffer this way, Peter."

"We're going to pull him through this."

"Stop being so damned optimistic," Neal snapped as tears began to slide down the sides of his face. Peter hated when Neal snapped at him, but he'd been with Neal long enough to know that Neal's snippiness was only due to the fact that he was terrified, angry, and hurting. "If he kills himself, I won't be able to function and I'm barely functional as it is. You know that."

Peter wanted to scream '_See?_' at his husband because Neal may actually understand how Peter feels when Neal tries to commit suicide, but he held back. The last thing Neal wanted right now was Peter's own snippiness. Peter couldn't bring himself to say that to his husband regardless. "Baby, you have come a long way since I met you. I know how compelling the idea of ending all of the pain is for you. You've tried several things, but you're still here with me. You're willing to recover, Neal, and I'm willing to hold your hand and pull you through this hell." Neal glanced up at Peter over his shoulder and Peter stroked his cheek, rubbing his tears away gently. "I love him as much as I love you. I want you both to live equally, Neal. No one in this house is going to give up on their lives if I have something to say about it and I will do my damnedest to help both of you."

"I'm not gonna try to kill myself anymore," Neal whispered. "The last time I tried, you yelled at me the moment you came into the hospital room. You made it very clear that I was being selfish and thoughtless." Peter wanted to tell Neal that he was sorry for being so cruel that day, but Neal kept speaking. "I can see how right you were—_are._ I have three children to raise and a husband who loves me for reasons only God knows to give my love to. The four of you are my life. If I end my life, I end yours as well and I don't want to do that to any of you."

The older man was speechless. He didn't realize Neal had given this some very serious thought since that evening. However, he did realize he'd been a major dick to his husband. "_How could you do this to yourself? To our family? To me?_"

"_You should understand. You know what I've endured._"

"_You know how much I love you, but I have never wanted to hit you until now. You're a God damn fool._" Even now, his own voice made him cringe. He wished he'd never said any of that to Neal, but he'd said it and it affected Neal. "_How could they believe that you loved them if you killed yourself? You'd abandon Nick and our babies, Neal. God damn you for being so inconsiderate of their feelings._" Peter could just see the brokenhearted look on Neal's face as he spat these things at him. "_Nick would be heartbroken and lost without you in his life, Neal. You're his father—his real father… And fuck you, Neal George, for promising me you wouldn't leave me._"

"_I don't deserve you._" Those four words Neal had spoken in response echoed in his mind, making him want to cry. Neal does deserve him. Peter believed that wholeheartedly. There were times when he wondered if he'd given Neal enough love and he strived to show him how much he does love him because he knows Neal deserves that kind of love. No matter what Neal does to himself or to the two of them, he will always love Neal. After everything, Neal deserved that kind of unconditional love and he didn't want anyone else to love Neal the way he loves him. He wanted to be the only one Neal loves because he knew he gave Neal all the reason in the world to believe Peter would take care of him and he knew Peter would never abuse him in ways he'd been abused in the past. "Peter, are you okay?"

Peter blinked rapidly, staring at his husband's concerned face. Neal could see the haunted look in Peter's eyes. He slid off of the bed and turned to face him, lifting his hands to caress Peter's cheeks. He leaned closer and kissed Peter tenderly. "I love you to death," Peter said fiercely. "Don't you ever leave me."

Neal's eyes widened a little. "I'm never leaving you, Peter Michael. I don't want to be that selfish bastard. You and our children are important to me and I need to consider all of your feelings." He rubbed his thumbs over Peter's cheekbones and gave Peter a small smile. "You've made me see that I have a lot to live for over the years," he whispered. "You've held me close when we've gone to bed together. The way you make love to me has always made me feel loved—like I matter and like I'm…beautiful." He sounded a little embarrassed, but Peter was able to smile at it. "I know you love me, Peter, and I know you're in this for the long run. You wanted to start a family with me. I came to you with my son and you accepted him as well as all of my personal baggage. You've treated him like your son and that makes me love you all the more. We're raising babies together in addition to our teenage son. If you hadn't come into my life, I might not have any or all of these things."

"If I can get you to see things like this after all that you've been through," Peter whispered, "then I believe we can help Nicky as a team."

The younger man smiled a bit, nodding slowly. "We can," he said softly before pressing another kiss against his husband's warm, soft lips. "I love you. He loves you. The twins love you."

"And I love the four of you," Peter told him sincerely.

They'd gone to bed together shortly thereafter. Around three in the morning, he'd stirred a bit and realized the babies were awake—or at least one of them was. He glanced down to his right to see his husband and oldest son sleeping together. Neal's arm was draped over Nicky's waist and Nicky's head was below Neal's chin. Peter smiled at them. He thought he should be the kind of guy to not want his kid in his bed by a certain age and he might have been under different circumstances. With these two, he considered them his beautiful babies. Neal is only a few years younger than him, but he's still Peter's baby.

Despite still feeling a little sick, Peter slid out of bed after making sure Neal was still covered up. He went into the twins' room and pulled Joey into his arms. All he had to do was change Joey's diaper and put him back into the crib. He stood between the cribs silently and looked at his other babies. He had his beautiful twins to raise with his beautiful husband and son. Even with all of the trauma he dealt with between Neal and Nicky both, Peter wouldn't change this for the world.

He crawled back into his bed not too long after he'd gotten Joey back to sleep and he curled up against Neal's back, kissing his shoulder. "Love you," Neal whispered.

Peter smiled when Neal's hand slid back. He intertwined their fingers and Neal squeezed his hand gently. "I love you, too," he said quietly. He slid his arm over Neal's waist and held Neal's hand all through the night.

No, he wouldn't change this at all.


	34. Chapter 34

Peter sat in a psychologist's office waiting room with Nicky's hand in his. Nicky was holding onto him tightly, practically sitting on Peter's lap since he was so close. "Everything's going to be fine, Nicky. If this doesn't work out well for you, then we'll try something else. This isn't our only option."

"Why didn't dad want to come?"

"I told him not to. He…has had a very bad experience with psychologists in recent years. You know how daddy gets when people who don't understand suggest things that he's either already tried or things he knows won't help him." Nicky nodded. "I didn't want dad to get frustrated and he wants to see if this helps you or not, so I told him I'd take you."

Nicky frowned and whispered, "I'm really sorry, poppa. I didn't mean to make things hard on you and dad."

Peter hushed him gently. "Dad and I are just fine, Nick. We just want to take care of you and we know that this is bigger than us, so we're trying to do all that we can." He leaned over and kissed Nicky's hair. Nicky just leaned against Peter, wanting his poppa's warmth and love.

"Nicolas Burke," a woman said softly. Nicky tensed against Peter, but Peter slid out of the chair. Nicky followed milliseconds later since his fingers were still intertwined with Peter's. "Hello, Nicolas," she greeted him. Glancing at Peter, she asked, "I assume you're his father?"

"That's correct."

She nodded. "I'm Doctor Sibyl, but you can call me Sheryl if it makes you more comfortable." She gestured for the two to follow her into her office and asked them to take a seat on either the couch or one of the plush armchairs. Nicky chose to sit beside Peter on the couch. He felt really uncomfortable and he knew Peter could tell. Sheryl shut the door and took a seat a short distance away from them with a notebook in hand. "Why don't you tell me a little about yourself, Nicolas?"

"You can just call me Nick," he said timidly, squeezing Peter's hand tightly. Sheryl smiled at him softly, silently encouraging him to speak. "I'm fourteen years old and my daddy and poppa are worried about me, so I'm here." Peter frowned, damning Neal for all of two seconds because his stubbornness _is_ hereditary.

Sheryl could see that Nicky was a bit jittery, so she said, "We don't have to discuss those reasons yet. I'm just trying to get a feel for the young man you are so I can determine ways in which I can help you."

Nicky scoffed quietly. "Yeah. Psychologists helped my daddy," he muttered. Peter stared at him incredulously. "Poppa, I don't want to do this."

Peter rubbed his thumb over Nicky's hand. "Just this once. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, but I'd like it if you gave this some actual effort."

"Dad knows this is a bunch of crap. That's why he doesn't see psychologists."

"We're not here to talk about dad," Peter said gently. "We're here to talk about you, Nick. Dad supports this entirely."

Nicky wrenched his hand away from Peter and crossed his arms over his chest. "I want to go home. This isn't going to help at all. It's never helped dad before because they don't understand anything." He closed his eyes and whispered, "I have you and dad to help me. I don't need anyone else."

"Nick, I told you that dad and I realize that this is out of our control."

The teenager flew off of the couch and spun to face Peter. "So you're giving up on me? You spent years helping dad with all of his stuff, but the second I get issues of my own, you're just dropping me on some person I don't know. What makes you think I'll even talk to her about any of this? You won't even let me talk to you or dad about it."

Peter's heart broke on his face. "Nicolas, stop," he pleaded. "Dad and I are doing this for your own good. We're not giving up on you. You know we'll be here for you no matter what. Now, please sit down and let's have a nice conversation with Sheryl, okay?"

"No, poppa. I'm not doing this. Dad knows this is a bunch of bullshit. It's never fucking helped him before!"

Peter stood up and startled Nicky. "You will _not_ use that kind of language, Nicolas James Burke. Your father has raised you better than that and he'd be really disappointed in you if he were here to hear what you just said." Nicky shrank into himself a bit, bowing his head. "Sit down, Nick. We're only going to be here for a little over an hour. If you don't try this, we'll never know if it'll actually help or not. Sheryl wants to help you and I want you to let her try to help."

Peter sat down again. He knew he could scare Nicky really easily. It was the same with Neal. All he had to do was look a little angry and stand up. Even after several years, Peter still had the ability to scare Neal on occasion. The fact that he towers over Nicky was enough to scare his son and it made his heart wrench, but he needed Nicky to try this.

Nicky took a seat beside him again, sitting as close to him as humanly possible. "Okay," he whispered. He looked up at Peter and was surprised to see the soft smile on his poppa's face. He leaned against the older man and whispered, "I'm only doing this because you asked me to."

Peter sighed and closed his eyes. Sheryl watched the two of them, analyzing them. Through their conversation, she discovered that Nicky has two fathers and it seemed that his other father was more than likely his biological father, which made Peter a second-parent. She had nothing against gay men, but she wondered if that may be an issue for Nicky. It seemed a little strange to her as she thought about it, but she wasn't sure. Children she's dealt with in the past have had mixed views on their upbringing if they lived in a homosexual household. She'd met children who were confused in life and resented either their set of mothers or set of fathers. On the opposite side of the spectrum, she'd met children who were perfectly fine with the way they were living. Those children didn't seem to be fazed at all by the fact that they were raised without either a mother or a father in their life.

She wasn't sure which side of that Nicky was on, but she would slowly try to pry that answer out of him if they were going to have future sessions following this one.

•◊•

Peter unlocked the front door to the house and Nicky stormed past him, toeing his shoes off before darting upstairs. Neal's lips parted as he watched his son and then he glanced at his husband who looked frustrated. He scooped Joey up into his arms and stood up from where he'd been sitting on the floor to play with him. "Things didn't go well?"

"I need a beer after that," Peter muttered as he took his own shoes off and stormed past Neal to get into the kitchen.

Neal's eyes widened and he quickly followed the older man. "Don't you dare drink that beer," he stammered as Peter pulled a bottle out of the pack. He glanced at Neal over his shoulder, slightly confused. "I don't want to see you become that kind of man, damn it," he whispered. "He's _our son._ I understand how frustrating being a dad is. I was a mostly-single father for almost nine years, but don't you dare start drinking incessantly because of this. I'll leave you right now if you plan on becoming an alcoholic."

Peter stared at him sadly for a moment before setting the beer down in the refrigerator. He closed the door and walked over to his husband, cupping his cheek before kissing him. "You're right," he whispered. "I'm sorry, honey."

The two went into the living room where Brie was sleeping on the couch. Neal sat down in front of the couch and tried to get Joey to stand in front of him. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked as he looked up at the older man.

Peter sat down across from him and sighed. "He resisted—a lot." Neal's brows furrowed. "I told him you had bad experiences with shrinks in the past and I think he tried very hard to have the same experience. He was very hostile and he was swearing occasionally."

"That's really not like him," Neal whispered.

"That's my point, darling." Joey bounced in front of Neal excitedly, giggling loudly as he clutched Neal's index fingers tightly. Neal smiled at his son as Peter kept talking to him. "I've never seen him like that before. It was like he was trying to sabotage the counseling session, so I don't know if this will actually help him or not. If he wants to go back, we'll go back next Saturday. If he doesn't, then you and I need to figure out how else we can try to help him."

Neal nodded even as he made faces at Joey to elicit giggles from the baby. "We should probably sit down just the three of us and talk this through." Peter smiled as he watched his husband act like a child while carrying out a mature, adult conversation. "He does try to be like me too much and I don't want him to shut this out because I did. My group therapy and my husband—" His eyes widened and he whispered, "Trent."

"Hon?" Peter asked, totally confused.

"If he's anything like me, he wants someone he can trust implicitly—someone he knows won't judge or ridicule him." Peter scooted closer to his husband and son, taking his son when Neal turned him around. "He noticed how miserable I'd been occasionally before you came into my life. Since you've been in our lives, he can see that I trust you with everything I've been through and more."

Peter nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow curiously. "So are you saying you want Trent and Nick to…get closer? Don't you think that's kind of forcing the—?"

"Trent loves Nicky and I'm starting to believe that Nicky reciprocates those feelings. I'm still going to be the jerk that doesn't let his son date until a certain age, but I've seen him with Trent. Sleepovers, for instance. They curl up in Nick's bed together in a way that practically mirrors you and me. Nicky spoons Trent and you spoon me."

"Do you think this would really help him? I mean, I think a professional might be a better route than having him experiment his sexuality while suffering trauma."

Peter flinched when he realized he'd absolutely insulted his husband. Without thinking, he'd criticized Neal's way of coping. Neal avoided professional counselors and wound up in relationships he never should have started. It wasn't _exactly_ the same as what Peter said, but it hurt Neal nonetheless. He gave the younger man an apologetic look. "I don't know, Peter," Neal said a little bitterly. "Why don't you tell me? Last I checked, Peter Burke didn't have a degree in psychology."

The older man sighed heavily and pulled his son onto his lap, staring at Neal directly. "Honey, I didn't think about that before—"

"Obviously—because we all know you've dealt with rape first-hand before." Peter gaped at the younger man as he pushed himself up from the floor and stormed away from Peter, more than likely heading up to their bedroom.

Peter looked down at Joey, watching his son play with the fabric of his shirt. "Poppa's an idiot," he whispered. "I really hope you're smarter than me, kid. Dad's mad at me because I'm a jerk and I'm thoughtless." Joey giggled and pulled at Peter's collar. "It's nice talking to you," he murmured. "You have no idea what I'm saying, but you laugh and smile at me anyway."

He went upstairs a few minutes later and tried to open his bedroom door, which was locked. He groaned and mentally slapped himself, glancing at his son in his arms. He knocked on the door gently. "Go away. I don't want to talk to you."

"Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to crit—"

"I said go away, damn it," he snapped, sounding like he was under the pillows and the blankets on their bed.

Peter sighed and went back downstairs. He sat on the couch Brie was sleeping on and gently bounced Joey on his thighs, loving the way the boy giggled and drooled as he smiled. "At least I can make you happy," he whispered. "Daddy will come back downstairs soon, I hope."

Neal kept himself locked in his bedroom for three hours and it was starting to hurt Peter about an hour and a half ago. He knew Neal was fine because he could hear him moving around and there was the occasional 'fuck off' when he went to check up on him as well. By the time Nicky came downstairs, Peter was just overflowing in his misery. "Poppa, are you okay?" he asked as he moved down the stairs quicker.

Peter nodded. "Yeah. I upset dad." Nicky's brows furrowed as he sat beside his poppa. "We're fine. I just said the wrong thing and it pissed him—" He paused and corrected himself, albeit too late at that point. "I made him pretty mad, but we'll be fine."

"Do you want me to go talk to him?"

"What do you want for dinner?" Both Peter and Nicky looked at the stairway as Neal came down. His hair was a mess and he looked exhausted. He didn't look at his husband or children as he passed through the living room and Peter's heart ached.

"Hamburgers, daddy?" Nicky asked softly, hoping to help his dad's mood a little.

"'Kay." He disappeared into the kitchen and Peter frowned, looking down at his youngest son.

Nicky watched Peter. He'd seen his fathers in so many situations. This was one of the rarer scenarios. Peter was pretty good at upsetting Neal, but Neal was usually damn near close to acting like himself when he came back. This time, he'd totally detached himself from his surroundings and essentially ghosted around the house. "Can you watch them for a few minutes?" Peter asked tentatively. "I want to talk to dad."

"Yeah. Sure, poppa." He held his arms out for Joey and Joey eagerly went to him. Brie was stirring behind them and Peter got up after making sure the kids would be okay.

The moment Peter walked into the kitchen, Neal said, "Feel free to take your shitty, judgmental comments elsewhere."

Peter sighed heavily, standing a short distance from his husband. "Neal, I'm really sorry. I should've thought before commenting and it really wasn't my place to say anything anyway."

"Yeah. You're right."

"I could do without the hostility, Neal. I'm trying to apologize and you're being really uncooperative."

Neal spun and looked at him critically. "Have I ever criticized you for marrying a woman before you met me?" Before Peter could answer, Neal continued. "Have I ever criticized the way you lived your life in a web of lies you told yourself?"

"No," Peter whispered, his cheeks heating up.

"Fuck you for criticizing my fuck-ups. At least I didn't delude myself and pretend I loved someone I could never possibly love. I didn't lie to people around me about my sexuality." Peter wanted to surge forward and grab Neal roughly and demand that he calm down so they could talk this through, but Neal was right. "I've admitted to you _repeatedly_ that I'm a whore and that I'm definitely not the brightest bulb in the bunch. No, I didn't seek professional help. I had no support system, Peter. My stepfather was raping me day-in and day-out. There was no fucking escape from that." Peter nodded slowly, his heart twisting at the anger in Neal's voice. "I had no one I could go to. My mom didn't believe me, I had no father, and Ellen couldn't be my mom because she had a life of her own to live and my birthmother is a self-centered bitch. I had no one to trust with any of that. I couldn't talk to anyone about it for twenty _years._"

"Honey—"

Neal threw the hamburger to the floor and Peter was grateful to see that it was still in its original packaging. "Nicky has it so much better than I did. I had no best friend. I had no boyfriend. Hell, I didn't have a girlfriend. My mother turned on me, my father was AWOL, and my stepfather spent about three years ravaging my innocence." Peter stepped closer to his husband and Neal snarled at him. "I didn't have parents who gave a damn. I didn't have a best friend to love and return that love. I spent years trying to get over what he did to me, Peter. I'm almost forty years old now and I still can't get past it. Then you have the God damn oh-holy-balls to hint that I'm an idiot because I didn't find a professional to help me instead of forcing my way into relationships that made me feel like I mattered even though I know damn well that I never mattered."

Peter finally made his move and gripped Neal's shoulders. "I'm proud of you for all that you've done, Neal. I never meant to insult you or hurt you."

"You and your holier-than-thou attitude can go have an affair in our bedroom because I'm not sleeping with an asshole who thinks his husband made all the wrong choices in life. Yeah, Peter, I did. Now I'm starting to question whether marrying you was one of my _few_ right choices in life or not." Peter stared at him, hurt beyond words. "Is there anything else you want to criticize? Do I make the wrong sounds when you fuck me? Do I dress myself wrong? Does the size of my dick disappoint you? C'mon, Peter. Have at it. Tell me what you really think of me now."

"Do you fucking realize that you're saying all of this bullshit with our son within earshot?" he asked incredulously. "You've always been the one to keep up the appropriate—"

"There you go. Come on, baby. Criticize me."

Peter wasn't sure what he wanted to do in that moment, but he grabbed Neal's biceps and shoved him against a nearby wall, growling, "Stop this right now. Nick is in the other room and I know you don't want him to hear all of this."

Neal laughed mirthlessly. "Like you give a damn. He's _my_ son and _you_ are criticizing the way _I_ want to raise him. I made a suggestion and you shot it down immediately. If you don't think Trent can help Nick, what the hell makes you think you can help me?"

"The fact that I love you with all of my heart and soul makes me think I can help you. You're not a fling or a test for my sexuality." Neal opened his mouth and Peter spoke over him. "I asked you to spend your life with me. I married you because I want to be with you. We're old enough to know what we want and how we feel. I don't know how you would have reacted if you'd had a friend when you were going through all of this." He shut his eyes tightly and gripped Neal's biceps tighter. "I _wish_ you'd had someone you could trust, Neal. I wish you had someone to love you and accept you and guide you. If I'd met you back then, I would have done everything I could to save you. You never deserved to go through this all on your own."

"Well, you weren't there," Neal whispered. "You weren't there to hold me when I woke up from a nightmare. You weren't there to tell me everything was okay when I couldn't get myself to sleep. You weren't there to protect me when he came into my bedroom and had sex with me."

"I wish I had been." He opened his eyes and wasn't entirely surprised to see that Neal was avoiding eye contact. "I'm sorry, Neal. I was really insensitive. I knew the moment it came out of my mouth that it was wrong. I know I hurt you and I'm sincerely sorry."

Neal blinked back tears as Peter slowly let go of him. "He has people in his life who love him and want to help him. I don't want to restrict that. I know how it feels to be alone."

Nicky was sitting in the living room, silently crying as Joey laid back against him and Brie sat down in front of him. He hated when his fathers argued. The things they said to each other made him want to go in there and yell at them, but he had a responsibility to his siblings. He knew his dad and poppa would be okay and he knew they could handle themselves. That didn't make it any less painful to hear them spew such cruel things at each other. Granted, Neal was the one doing most of the spewing, but it still hurt.

Peter kissed Neal's forehead and whispered, "I love you and he's _our_ son. You're not a single father anymore." He was surprised that Neal let him initiate a hug, but he welcomed it. "You're not alone now and you'll never be alone again. I should have shut up and let you express your suggestion. You're my husband. I'm not supposed to be judgmental or criticize you. That's not how our marriage is supposed to work and I'm truly sorry."

Before Neal could respond, he watched Peter bend over to pick up the hamburger package, setting it on the countertop. "I said a lot of stupid things," he whispered. "Too many to even begin asking—_begging_ for forgiveness."

"There's nothing to forgive. This is my fault and I accept that. You've been a father a lot longer than I have been, so I honestly have no idea what's best for Nicky and what's not."

The two quietly apologized and softly kissed each other before starting dinner together. Once they left the kitchen, they apologized to their son. Neal felt horrible because Peter was right. Nicky did hear everything he'd said. Nonetheless, Nicky told them he was happy that they were able to make up before a breakup. He admitted that he didn't want his two daddies to leave each other.

•◊•

Peter stroked Neal's spine slowly, kissing him passionately as they stilled their lovemaking. They were both in sitting positions, but Neal was in Peter's lap—for all intents and purposes. They'd started out as vanilla as ever and then they both shifted to bring themselves a lot closer. Neal's arms were wrapped around Peter's neck, Peter's hands were alternating between holding Neal's hips and stroking Neal's bare back, and Neal was finally shifting just enough to stretch his legs out. He'd bent them for a little too long and he was beginning to feel stiff. Peter only moaned quietly in response to Neal's movements and then Neal settled again. Peter's right hand slid over Neal's left thigh slowly, eliciting a shiver from the younger man.

"For the record," Peter whispered, "you make perfect sounds in bed, dress in a stunningly stylish professional or casual way, and the size of your dick is _very_ satisfactory." Neal laughed lightly, resting his forehead against the top of Peter's head. "I love you, Neal, and I'm sorry for starting an argument with you. I always say the stupidest things and I don't blame you for being pissed off. If I were you, I'd be pissed at me, too, honey."

Neal sighed, rubbing the nape of Peter's neck gently. "You're an idiot sometimes, but at least I can say you're _my_ idiot," he said playfully. "I'm sorry that I took it so personally. I know it's not what you meant."

"It hurt you nonetheless and I've never wanted you to pretend that you're fine when you're not." He reached up to stroke Neal's hair slowly, watching his husband's eyes slide to a close. "I don't blame you for the things that happened during, you know… I don't blame you for anything that happened afterwards either." He smiled softly at the younger man even though he wasn't looking. "After all, you had Nicky in that timeframe. You gave life to that little brat of ours and I'm so grateful to have you two. I'm grateful that you trusted me enough to ask me to drive you to Ascension that one day. Granted, the events of that were shitty as they unfolded, but you trusted _me_ and allowed me to meet that little ball of endless energy."

The younger man opened his eyes and a single tear slid down the right side of his face. "Thank you, Peter, for being here. You've kept me together and you've helped me raise my son—and now we're raising three children together." Peter gently wiped his tear away and kissed him softly. "You've gotten me through so much. I'm not suicidal anymore, Peter, and I have you to thank for that. You opened my eyes and gave me a really tall glass of _this is how it is._"

Peter chuckled. "You just needed a push in reality's direction, honey, and I'm glad I got through to you. I'm sorry for resorting to becoming a dick to get you there." Neal shrugged and Peter kissed him again. "I've never wanted to lose you—any of you. I love our kids as much as I love you. Without _one_ of you, I'm certain that I'd fall apart."

"None of us are going anywhere. I'm not leaving you—ever."

Neal watched Peter unwrap his arms from Peter's neck. He took Neal's left hand in his and kissed the back of his hand, his knuckles, and finally his wedding ring. "As long as you never give this back to me, I'm a very happy man." Neal nodded, taking Peter's left hand to rub his ring. "I love you, Neal George, and I'm really sorry for all of the stupid, ridiculous, hurtful things I've said to you over the years," he whispered. "Honey, the fact that you're still wearing your ring—still interested in me means so much more than I can tell you."

"Peter Michael," Neal said softly, intertwining the fingers of his right hand with the fingers of Peter's left. "You and I—our bond is extremely important to me. You were my friend, my partner, my _partner,_ and now you're my husband and the second father to our children."

Peter twisted them and managed to get Neal onto his back. He would have laid on his own back, but he knew Neal's legs were still stiff. "You are my one true love," Peter told him. "There's never been a moment where I haven't loved you. The first time I laid eyes on you, I loved you. I have loved you all this time and I will continue to love you for eternity."

"I—"

The knock on their door startled both men. Peter barely twisted enough to look at the door. "You did lock the door, right?" Neal glared at him. "Of course you did…" He cleared his throat. "Nick?"

"Neil's gone."

Peter looked down at his husband in surprise. "We'll be out in a sec," Neal called out. He closed his eyes and his jaw set firmly. "I want to finish this with you, but now I'm tense and God only knows where he went."

"Would I be an ass if I quickly helped you orgasm?" Peter whispered. Neal's eyes opened and he cocked an eyebrow. "Wrap your legs around my hips." Neal glanced at the door for a moment before doing just that. In a matter of minutes, they'd both finished. "Damn it. I always lose my God damn—"

"Right here, love," Neal said as he held out Peter's briefs. He was already in his lingerie and was moving to grab his sleep pants next. Peter watched him dress, mesmerized by the sight of his gorgeous husband. After earlier, he was lucky to have the younger man join him in bed. Neal was dressed first and, after making sure Peter looked at least half decent, he left the bedroom first, heading around the corner and down the hall to Neil's room. He pushed the door open and looked around.

Peter came in just as Neal moved towards a darkened corner behind the nightstand. "What is it?"

Neal pulled a paper out of the dark area and stood up, unfolding it repeatedly. He quickly read the note and frowned, turning it towards Peter. Nicky came in just then and asked, "He's not coming back, is he?"

"No," Peter whispered. "He left two hours ago."

"Why?"

Peter glanced at Neal. "He thanked us for taking care of him," Neal whispered. "He got in touch with his mother via email, I guess, and she came for him."

Nicky's eyes welled up with tears and Neal's heart clenched at the sight of it. "He's going to commit suicide, isn't he?"

"No. He left a phone number. I'm gonna call it." Neal took the paper from Peter and went into his bedroom, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He dialed the number and held the phone up to his ear just as Peter came into the room with Nicky. As soon as the phone picked up, he whispered, "Neil?"

"_Hey, Neal. Got my message, I see._"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

"_I'm sorry for not telling you in person, but… It would have been too hard to say goodbye to you guys. You're like family to me, which is why I'll be eternally grateful for everything you did for me, Neal._"

Neal smiled faintly. "Just promise me one thing." Neil made a sound of acknowledgement. "Call sometime—just to let us know how you're doing."

Neil laughed lightly and sighed. "_I will. I promise you I'm going to make a better life for myself, too. I know you guys have problems sometimes and I know I probably will, too, but I want to be able to live my life like you're trying to do._"

"It'll take time, kiddo." He turned and immediately focused on his husband, smiling softly at him. "Things will get better. You'll see."

"_You and Peter inspired me. I'm not gay, but I want to have a relationship like yours._" Neal could hear Neil crying quietly on the other end, which concerned him. "_I can't thank you enough for all that you and Peter did for me. My mom and I will either send or bring you something as a—_"

Neal shook his head, looking at his son now. "If you take care of yourself and _live,_ then that's enough of a repayment as I need, Neil." Neil sighed and sniffled. "I care about you. I'm not going to make you pay me something ridiculous for being myself. I would've done it for anyone, Neil. I'm glad we had the opportunity to meet, at least."

"_Me, too. Tell Nicky that maybe we can hang out someday. Mom and I are moving out of New York to get away from my dad, but I want to move back when I'm old enough to live on my own._"

"I'll tell him."

There was a brief pause on the other end and then Neil whispered, "_I love you. You aren't my real dad, but you're the closest thing I've had to a perfect dad. Thank you for making me feel welcome even though I didn't deserve it at all._"

"You're always welcome here," he said sincerely. He swallowed and added, "And I love you, too. You definitely felt like another son to me."

"_Thank you, Neal, so much. I have to go now, but I'll call you again sometime._"

Neal nodded. "All right, kid. Take care of yourself. I'm looking forward to that phone call." They said one last goodbye and then the call disconnected. Neal felt really hollow all of a sudden and he had to sit down on his bed or he'd fall to the floor. "God," he whispered as he leaned forward and practically put his head between his knees.

Peter was at his side in an instant. "Honey, are you okay?"

It took a few moments for Neal to regain his composure and then he nodded once again. "God. If I feel like this now, I can't imagine how much of a wreck I'll be when you move out, brat." Nicky snickered in the doorway and Peter smiled a bit.

Nicky asked if he could sleep with his fathers and both of them said it was fine, so Nicky crawled in with them, laying between the two older men. He stared at his dad's chest for a few moments before scooting over to hug him. Neal smiled and stroked Nicky's hair slowly. "I love you, daddy. I'm never gonna leave you."

"I know," Neal whispered. Nicky would move out someday, but he'd always be extremely attached to his father after all that they'd endured together. Though Nicky was severely traumatized from the whole experience, he and Neal had grown closer in ways they hadn't developed before. He understood his father's past a lot more now and he was able to understand why his father acted the way he did at times. "I love you so much," he said as he kissed Nicky's hair. "Get some sleep."

Peter rubbed Nicky's back until Nicky fell asleep and then he held Neal's hand on their pillows above Nicky's head. "My soulmate," he whispered with a small, soft smile. He lifted Neal's hand and kissed the back of it, closing his eyes as his lips lingered on his husband's warm skin. "I can't imagine my life without you in it. I don't want to imagine my life without you."

Neal pushed himself up just enough to lean over Nicky and kiss the older man. "You'll never have to live without me," Neal promised him. "I'm not going to lie to you and say that I'm recovered. I'm not. I can, however, tell you that my suicide attempts are over." He looked down at Nicky then and frowned. "Tomorrow, we're focusing on him, Peter." Peter nodded, squeezing Neal's fingers. "I know he trusts me and I know he'll open up to me, but this…is something we need outside help for. My trauma combined with his equates into a disaster."

"Oh, my God." Neal's brows furrowed in confusion. "You used the _T_ word."

The younger man rolled his eyes and reached over to smack Peter's ass. "Fuck you," he whispered teasingly. "I'm serious though. It's not a good combination. The fact that we were together for _his_ trauma won't help him. I know you'll do the best you can, but I'm not the right person to have as a guide."

"He's your son. He looks up to you for guidance."

"Yes, but I don't know if I can make things easier for him." Neal rubbed Peter's hip, closing his eyes. "I went through the torture, but he was forced to listen to it—and occasionally see it." Peter could see Neal's lips trembling. He pushed himself up immediately and reached over to stroke Neal's hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner. It usually worked in the past. "The most I can do is what you've always done for me," he whispered as he opened his eyes. "I can reassure him that everything is okay now, tell him I love him, and continuously remind him that none of this was his fault."

Peter nodded slowly, carding his fingers through his husband's hair. "Everything will be fine, hon. We'll get him help and he'll have us at all times no matter what." Neal nodded and glanced at his son again.

"Can I cuddle with you?" he asked, sounding like a small, frightened child.

"Of course." Peter scooted back just enough to let Neal shift over their son. He curled up against Peter, rubbing Peter's side. "We're all going to be just fine in the end, my love. I've kept you alive and moderately happy for—"

"Moderately happy my ass," Neal muttered. "You sell yourself short. Someday, you'll realize that I'm extremely ecstatic with you in my life."

Peter harrumphed quietly, laying his head down on the pillow as he held Neal close. "I'm still waiting for the day when you realize that I feel the same way."

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter's chest, whispering, "I believe you."

He kept stroking Neal's hair and Neal kept sliding his fingers over Peter's side until Neal was completely asleep. Peter just stared at him, watching him sleep. He wrapped his arms around Neal a little tighter, sighing contentedly. "You'll always be this close to my heart," he whispered. Neal was breathing warm puffs of air against Peter's chest, just over his heart. Closing his eyes, Peter kept his arms locked around his husband. He'd gotten Neal past so much and Neal went through a lot more than Nicky had. If he could help Neal and give Neal reason to live, both he and Neal—with the help of an outside counselor, hopefully—would be able to help him through all of this. The fear, anger, and pain would take time to overcome. He'd learned that with Neal, but he'd improved his tactics over the years, finding ways that helped Neal significantly. Nicky was in good hands even if Neal doubted that.

Having someone outside of their immediate family help Nicky might prove to be helpful. There was no way of knowing until they managed to get Nicky through an actual counseling session. Peter may just let Neal come along for the next one, assuming there's going to be a next one. If Neal could make it through the session with Nicky, then Nicky might be willing to accept outside help.

In time, things would get better. He and Neal were strong despite their occasional arguments. As fathers, he and Neal could certainly provide Nicky with all of the help he'd need. He planned on doing as much as he could if not more for their son. He'd pulled Neal through the darkness and he could pull Nicky through it, too. It would just take time, patience, and all of the unconditional love they could muster.


End file.
